Narcissistic Behavior: The Roadshow for Therapists
Christine Louis de Canonville
B.A. Hons; MIACP; MLBCAI; MUKGHE; MEAS, MATH, CMH; CHyp; MPNLP, MTCI.
Welcome to The Roadshow for Therapists. This site is concerned with the effects of Narcissistic Behavior, and the effects of that behavior on victims. The information is intended for Therapists, but victims of narcissistic abuse may also find the information helpful for understanding what happened to them while in a relationship with a narcissist. Reading the articles will guarantee that you will “Learn Powerful Secrets” about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and put you on the fast track to understanding Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Be ready to be amazed at what you will discover for yourself.
Attention all Readers!
When I first started this site, I did so specifically with the intention of educating Therapists about traits of narcissistic behavior, and how that behavior can traumatize victims in a way that may lead to a condition that I refer to as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome . However, amazingly I have been inundated with posts from victims of narcissistic abuse from all around the world (over 100 countries in fact). So from now on I would like to welcome everyone who drops in. Please browse at your leisure.
Attention all therapists!
It is official, to-day there is a rise of unhealthy narcissism prevalent in our culture. These narcissistic behavior traits are said to be reaching epidemic proportions, and as a result therapists can expect to see that reflected in the therapy room. What does Narcissistic Victim Syndrome mean to you? If your answer is “Nothing”, then please stay with me. Because, if you want to be at the cutting edge of this new syndrome, then you will need to learn all about Narcissistic Behavior in order to update your knowledge and skills, and become an effective therapist working in this area.
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome is a new diagnosis that is presenting itself in most therapy room’s to-day. But who are these clients? How did they get this syndrome? What is causing it? How would I treat it? More importantly, how would I recognize Narcissistic Victim Syndrome if it were to sit in front of me in my therapy room? What is the link between this new syndrome and pathological narcissistic behavior. The Roadshow for Therapists will answer all these questions and give you the necessary training to be an effective therapist in this area.
Narcissistic Victim Abuse is a subject that many therapists are unaware of, as it is not included on most Psychotherapy Training Courses in any great depth (if at all). However, what has been overlooked in the field of therapy, is that it is the therapists that have to deal with the victims of narcissistic behavior daily in their therapy rooms. But, by and large, the therapist, through no fault of their own, is generally ill equipped to identify this new syndrome (because of inadequate training in this area).
In order to fully understand Narcissistic Victim Abuse, one must first understand the traits of narcissistic behavior. Every narcissist, by their very nature, needs their victims (this is referred to as Narcissistic Supply). Narcissistic Supply is vital to the Narcissist, because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem. Victims can be male and female, young and old, from all walks of life. They are not only spouses; they can also be children, parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, and employees. So from the boardroom to the bedroom, narcissistic behavior is wrecking emotional havoc with people everywhere in the search for narcissistic supply, leading to physical as well as mental health care issues for all the victims.
For that reason it is vital that all therapists educate and familiarize themselves with the complexity of narcissistic behavior traits, gain a basic understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and learn to recognize the signs of narcissistic victim abuse that could go on to develop into Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS). Without this understanding it is almost impossible for any therapist to recognize this syndrome, and the destruction and long-term consequences that it inflicted on victims. Without the help and recovery from this form of abuse, the victim is very likely to experience re-victimization as they are unwittingly conditioned to be “the perfect partner” in the narcissist’s dance of destruction. So even when they do manage to escape from one abuser, they are likely to find themselves in the clutches of another narcissistic abuser, with no idea of how this has happened to them.
The benefit of visiting The Roadshow for Therapists is to:-
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Have instant access to information on narcissistic behavior and Narcissistic Victim Abuse.
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Learn about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
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Understand the “Illusionary world of the Narcissist”, which inevitably leads to Narcissistic Victim Abuse.
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Gain insights into the multi-addictions of the narcissistic personality.
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Recognize “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome” (also sometimes called “Echo Personality Disorder”, or “Narcissistic Victim Abuse”.
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Learn the “convoluted dance” that every victim must learn in order to survive.
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Understand the phenomenon of “re-victimization”, in order to “red flag narcissistic behavior” in future relationships.
The intention of this site is to educate by “spreading the word” (at all levels of understanding) about narcissistic behavior and its part in NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME, thus exposing the illusionary world of the Narcissistic Personality of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and to recognize the dance that takes place in the narcissist’s endless search for Narcissistic Supply (that leads to victims being abused).
Will you or have you done any research on working relationship that have a built in power differential; employer/employee and the effect this has on a person? Is this identified in Human Resource Management Journals ? Thank you for your time.
Sorry Paulette, I have not written anything about the workplace “YET”. However, the presence of narcissism in the workplace is well established, I know because I have also been working in the corporate world for more than 10 years (as External Supervisor). A huge part of my work involves dealing with the constant barrage of problems that result from this type of personality. Most of the problems I have personally had to deal with did not come from those at the top of the ladder (those in leadership roles), the worst problems were coming from people at the lower levels of the organizations (who are ambitions to get to the top). These narcissistic personalities are like a “virus” in the company, they are disruptive to the productivity and the morale of the organization. They are the cause of a great amount of stress to others they share the space with (both employer and employees). Most of the time victims are reluctant to come forward and report their colleague for fear of further reprisals, so it tends to remain underground rotting away at working relationships. Because the narcissistic behaviour is so insidious, often the victim cannot work out what is happening, so they find it hard to make a complaint without the fear of looking silly.
According to research carried out by Bradley S. Wesner, victims use 5 strategies in response to the workplace narcissist: These are:-
1. non-responding,
2. quitting one’s job,
3. befriending the narcissist,
4. confronting the narcissist,
5. going to management.
Contrary to existing literature, only quitting one’s job or going to management were perceived by respondents as effective methods. Unfortunately, my findings are, even when management (or Boards of Management) are aware of the situation, they are so afraid of doing anything will result in the narcissist taking them to the Labour Courts, (which they are likely to do). So like the ostridge, the management resort to buring their heads in the proverbial sand. More often than not, the victim becomes so ill and stressed out that they feel their only course of action is to leave the job (for their sanity).
Sorry I can’t be of more help to you are present.
Warmest regards.
Christine
I cannot say for definate that Human Resource Management Journals don’t identify narcissism in the workplace. But so far, none of the companies that I have worked in have a bulls notion of what they are dealing with. I have occassion to inform the management of certain employees displaying narcissistic traits, but to be honest, if the company is not willing to familiar themselves with what this really means, then it is like swimming against the tide. Right now I am so busy working with victims in my private practice, that it leaves me little time to write. But I do intend to publish articles on “Narcissism in the Workplace” …… so watch this space.
I had a narcissistic mother and do not feel that I bonded in any sort of a “normal” or “healthy” way with her. Then I had a subsequent marriage to a narcissist/psychopath who I clearly trauma bonded with. I am left reeling from the Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD. After reading your articles on NVS and Stockholm Syndrome I am left wondering…how do I heal from this?
Hi Kelly, You have clearly been through a hard time, with your multiple narcissists. This re-victimization is very common, because once you have been conditioned to the narcissistic convoluted dance, you become very attractive to other narcissists. This is why it is now important to deal with the pain of all of this past. You need to understand the nature of your conditioning so that you don’t unconsciously create the same situation for yourself again in ignorance.
None of this is your fault, but I believe strongly that part of healing the trauma is to become informed about your own unconscious behaviour, because this is your own particular signature “dance” in responses to narcissistic behaviour. Without doing this work, your blind spot will remain hidden from you. Remember, this was a child living in a war zone with a narcissistic mother, you unconsciously went into survival mode…. this was really brilliant, because it kept you safe at some lever of yourself. But now as an adult, you need to understand your own behaviour, because what you understand you can change. Once you know this, are unlikely to become a victim again. You cannot change any narcissist, so don’t even try, BUT you can change how you behave around them. Once you have this information (know the narcissistic traits, and know your responses to those traits), you can then put new boundaries in place You are also in the position where you can begin to take the locus of control from inside yourself (and not be controlled from outside yourself). I consider this part of the work to be as important as the grieving process every victim needs to work through with a therapist. Although it is a difficult journey part of the way, it can also be the pilgrim’s journey, a fascinating one to discover who you are, your true self. You are amazing, how do I know, because you are a survivor, and you have come out of unconscious slumber, woken up and asking good questions. Once our eyes are wide open, we can see narcissistic behaviour from a mile away, and the Gaslighting Effect can no longer work against us. Take care.
I’ve just came across your site researching about narcissistic personalities as I believe i’ve been in a relationship with a narcissistic man for the past 6 years. Thank you so much for all this useful information, it gives some kind of explanation to what i just lived as I’m trying to make sense myself to his behaviour and start to realize it is not “my fault” like I’ve often heard from him.
However i just had a baby girl with this man and wonder what kind of parenting can I except from him or if he will ever be interested in her or if I should just keep my little girl away from her father?
Thank you for your response! You touched on something that I am looking at now – how do I discover my true self? I was never “allowed” to be anything but a puppet at the end of a narcissist’s string for my entire life (went straight from my parent’s home to my husband’s home). Now I’m left sitting at a crossroads with no idea how to proceed. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who I want to be. I can’t picture the future as anything more than raising my children to adulthood. I feel incredibly frustrated to not know where I’m going – I don’t see it as anything other than a scary blur floating in front of me.
When you’ve been piloted by someone else your entire life, what do you do when you’ve finally taken back the controls?
WOW….. to discover ones “True Self”, what an wondrous adventure to be on. The main thing is that now you are ready for self discovery, that is the best time to start such a journey. It requires self introspection, which is a conscious and purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one’s own thoughts, feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one’s soul. You can do this in a number of ways. Reading and informing yourself as you are already doing by reading up on narcissism. Doing some self-development workshops in order to become more self aware, your likes, dislikes, your dreams and aspirations etc. Probably the easiest and most direct way is by going into therapy. There you will have someone to help you explore, to deal with emotions (especially around the losses you have experienced), and to be your witness with you on the journey. I see every client as such an honour, afterall, they have chosen to take me on that journey with them. That way you will become your own navigator in life, and better still you will teach your children how to do the same, and not allow themselves to be controlled by anyone else.
Your reaction is one I get a lot…”what a blessing to get a second chance and the opportunity to discover your true self”. Its scary as hell!
I’ve been in therapy for the past 11 months. Dealing with the fallout of leaving him, custody/divorce, grieving the dream, trying to stay afloat…basically survival mode this past year. She has been invaluable to me and kept me reality-based throughout this process.
Now I’m ready to really start working on me. I’ve done thousands of hours of research on NPD, psychopathy, etc. I know what I am dealing with from him. But I don’t know how to begin to learn about a “self” that was never allowed to develop. My therapist gets frustrated when I say this because she feels I’m being stubborn and refusing to see the forest for the trees. She also says I’m angry at God and she may have a point there.
I’ve been living a day at a time for almost 1 year on my own…and day to day for the 3 years prior to that with xN/P…just getting thru each day sometimes minute by minute. This new stage just feels like more of the same and I’m tired of it. It’s wearing very thin.
Hello Kelly,
Yes, my response sounds a bit trite, but I don’t mean it to be. Getting through what you have been through is like climbing Mount Everest, with your hands tied behind your back. I know, I made that journey, but I promise you, that when you reach the summit, the view is well worth all the effort. Who knows, you may find your God there waiting for you. Take heart.
I am glad that you find the info useful. Keep learning as much as you can about this condition, and what you can about yourself. If you can, get yourself into therapy so that you can get the support you need as you deal with your pain. When you get stronger you will know what direction you need to go then. Whether this man will make a good Daddy for your little girl remains to be seen, I cannot say, it depends on many variables. Time will tell, the more you learn about what really happened within the abusive relationship, and your observations of him as a Dad around your daughter, the easier it will be for you to make your decision about your daughters future. Wishing you the best of luck in your recovery. Keep up your courage.
I have endured a Narcissistic neighbor for several six years now. I had sought professional advice – to learn that I am dealing with a Narcissistic and possible bi polar person. When they moved in six years ago- I introduced my child to their two children. These two children are under the influence of both parents – the father is out of town a lot.
The mother either loves us and thinks we are wonderful or totally ignores us – so much so that if she sees us driving down the street= will turn her back and grab the women she is talking to turn with her.
Its a simple or unknown reason why she shuns us.. most recently it has been after we have introduced her to a friend or acquaintance and she and her children completely swarm all over the new child. They act guarded until they ask enough questions about this person – then they drop my child- exclude him and have all the children in the neighborhood over to their house and play- the moment my child walks out the door to play with them.. they go inside or hide or even taunt him and say there he is “hide” – unfortunately that came from the kid we had introduced them to at our house. Her turn of mood came after we had to leave her childs birthday party for an event that was planned months ago.
The next day- all of the further invitations were canceled and the shunning began.. She had recently renewed her friendship with my next door neighbor (as they also spent the most money on her childs birthday gift)- and soon. The neighbor was parking in front of our house, hitting balls into the yard.. tennis , golf and soccer. and they were getting together and dining out and visiting each others home till late hours. We also knew she was building a wedge between us with rumors.. We knew what she said about them- so we did avoid them and they also were strangely alienating us
– needless to say.. it is terribly confusing to be liked one day then alienated the next.. It is worse that – she-her husband-and her children – go out of their way to not only alienate my child.. they purposely exclude and start tormenting him – and use our friends and neighbors to do it with.
We look ridiculous trying to join the group – when they know she is mad at us (who know why) and everyone guards her feelings. We have often thought about playing the same game back… but it all too exhausting and just doesn’t seem right.
It is our neighborhood.. we welcomed them and they take and then ruin it for us.
We are low key people and try to just be nice- to everyone – I do not know what she is saying or doing.. but somehow she has changed the neighborhood – She is the only person we have ever had a run in with- she acts like we are crazy – and makes us look that way – when we try to stick up for ourselves.
But – if she didn’t turn so abruptly on us.. we wouldn’t be so confused. Like hanging on a rope that breaks.. you keep looking for that hand – and there she is holding that knife that cut the rope.- and smiling. We have talked to the school couselor about the situation.. how it affects my child – and it has.. The counselor has said many times it is not us.. and to explain that to my child.. we try.. but it not only my child that she has affected but the other children.. they have been able to find our buttons to push.. they know how to hurt us.. thanks to her.
My son is now 10 and is finally seeing this for what it is. With previous advice we have informed him that it is not him – but the parents influence, its her ability to totally be all about you one day and then move on to the next person.. unfortunately- while she is doing that she tears down my child.. and he is hurt angry and his reaction to the taunting is like pushing his buttons – and then the group continues to make him appear as if he is the difficult one.
I understand not everyone has a great child hood.. but this is extreme if it is the true cause of why a parent would behave this way. We should not have to live like this and be so guarded – I feel so protective now and have to watch our back.. We go through weeks of – “she likes us today” to “just wait – she will turn.
The unfortunate part for me and my child… is how we lose friendships because of her.. she of course always tries to look perfect before she leaves the house. She will have long conversations with the people we introduce her too, on the phone and at lunches. She always seems to make comments about other people and what they are like– when she is mad at them- and the things she says are so far fetched – They would be appalled is she knew what she was saying – but no one seems to know she is doing this to cause dislike ..
Non of these people will stick up for us- non will ever say – yes she does cause all of us problems, non will dare say what she says about us.. but the worst part is – she ruins what ever friendship we had and they become her friends and we are left alone -even when she hates them they still run back to her.
We don’t know what she is telling them and no matter what– it seems to be working – I do not want anything to do with them anymore because – I cant trust them- if they believe and support her- and never tell me they are sorry for what she does to us and to them from time to time.
Only once did I hear a comment- and that said she said, I was obsessed with her… not!!
I do not want her around us..I am not obsessed with her – I am not sure what to do about her- so she cannot affect us.
I am frustrated that she switches gears like she does, I am hurt that she would totally ridicule my child in front of his friends and alienated him.
So many of these children have had this happen and know what it feels like, yet they still follow the bully.
I tried to ask a friend that I thought was mine for the past few years- as I had introduced them- and of course my neighbor sneakily did the secret invites and such and had many great conversations with the mother.. I tried to ask her to remember that this is the same person that puts us through so much hell.- She choose not to recall – I let her know that this neighbor had been stirring up problems – by telling us that my friends child was being mean to mine and that they will not have anything to do with him.. then the next day.. total alienation..
I tried to explain to my friend that this mother has encouraged her own child to taunt mine child – and vise versa and I requested that it is not the taunting from him that was bothersome .. but the person who is influencing it.
unfortunately – she called her the narc -and of course was told that there was no problem – and also said her son denied the taunting.. and she believes her son..and that I was causing trouble.. unfortunately – I looked like the problem – by asking for help = I looked like the person talking bad about someone- so in essence – I couldn’t build a team or retain a friend- nor should I have to go through that.
again – feel like I and my child have been made a fool of – we again lost a friend to her – again she somehow influenced them away from us…
Her actions are classic to everything I have read.. It took me a while to see the pattern — but I see it. I don’t grovel anymore trying to find out what happened.. and try to fix it.. but SHE still wears me out.
WE had dealt with her so long.. we knew she would turn on us.. we knew she would influence these children to behave the way they are and that these children would follow her..
She and her children go out of their way to see who is at our home as we live directly across the street. They try and expect us to share our friends with them – yet they wait to get my child after their guest / our old friend has left and there is no one to play with.
I at times I am now second guessing my self- I feel that she has made such a fool of me to my friends- that I have lost.
I have reached out and failed, I have moped and have been so frustrated.. I do not want to be a part of this- but I can’t get her to stop. I never knew someone could be so mean, deliberate and punishing. I tried to say as little as possible and never get sucked back into a good friend relationship with her.
I have tried to be kind to the neighbors that she has kept me from. – I have been told they will eventually see through her.. but – what has she done that – they won’t see who I am and not who she has made me out to be.
Are we like the children afraid to stand up.. I am not – but it has not helped me. Will I ever get fair treatment from her or the friends and neighbors I have lost.
Standing up to your narcissistic friend………… No, no, no, no.
First, this person is not your friend. And second, no point standing up to her in the hope of clearing the air (or whatever), you won’t. Best thing to do is to just have nothing more to do with her, be polite, nod “hello” to her in passing, but keep right on walking.
It is good that you have a name for what is wrong with your neighbour, most people don’t have any idea of what they are dealing with, they just know something is not right. You need now to accept how & what this person is, because she is never going to be what you want her to be….not possible, and her bad behaviour is not going to go away. What you describe is classical behaviour, and you are caught in her Narcissistic Web. You are deluding yourself if you think that she is going to respond in a compassionate way to you or your child. Narcissists lack compassion because they lack empathy.
Leaving her party early………..”Oh my God, sin of sins”.
You choose someone or something over her wonderful party, you will definitely have to be punished for such an evil act of “rejection” of her. However, isn’t it interesting, she seems to be hitting your rejection button too.
Our reactions to Narcs are often complexed. You are setting yourself up as a target because she can get a reaction out of you….. she knows you want to be accepted by her. This feeds into her grandiosity and omnipotence, giving her power to treat you as she chooses, which in your case is humiliation.
The price is too high to be in her Club….. it leaves you open to exploitation, shame, manipulation, put-downs etc……in effect you are the sacramental LAMB to the slaughter, and your child along with you. If you are not careful you will end up taking on her aggressive feelings she is projecting on to you……. if you allow that to continue you will end up looking pathetic to others. This of course is what your narc’ wants.
The question you need to ask yourself is “Why would you want a relationship with someone who clearly wants to make you feel so bad?”. You know, what she is doing to you is not even personal, this is the way she treats anybody who she feels is inferior to her. The fact she can cause you so much confusion tell her that you are inferior, so therefore you deserve it (in her eyes).
Consider what you are teaching your child. He needs to learn that he has a right to be treated with respect, and to expect to also have a reciprocal relationship with friends. If he is left feeling bad after being with this family, then clearly something is wrong with that picture. Friendships are about giving and taking, sounds as if he is giving and giving without much in return, then going back to give even more. He should be valued, not devalued by the friendship with these children. Help him to break away from those children, and encourage him to make new, healthier friends. Let him know that there is nothing wrong with him, build up his self-esteem.
The greatest revenge that you can have on this woman is to ignore her, she will hate that, she craves attention, whether that attention is good or bad does not really matter. Don’t feed her need for your blood, otherwise she is going to bleed you dry. If you choose to stay in this abusive relationship, then you can expect more of the same ……. DUMP HER!!!
THANKS,your site is such a great help,the help we all need so much!!
I finally had the courage to leave my 28 year relationship(26,5 years of marriage)Last Oktober.Only found out about Narcissism last December,now that was the eye-opener I needed.But I ended up in shock,you can imagine.Have been reading ever since,that’s what helps me on my way to find myself again.Haven’t found her yet,maybe its too soon,but I am trying hard.The pain is unbelievable,it just hurts 24/7.But finally I am getting all the answers to all the questions I had for so many years…it’s sad,but I want to know what happened to me,and why I ignored all the red flags!They were there,you bet,but now it’s like the puzzle is complete.And with the help of sites like yours I am sure that one day I will be back,stronger then ever before.Never realised how N’s operate, now I know,it makes me sick!!!Everything he did and said,was a lie…unbelievable,have been fooled from the beginning.Thank God I’m officially divorced since last week,now I can make a new start,and get rid of the N in my life!!What a relief. ;o)