The Roadshow for Therapists

The Typical Narcissistic Woman As A Friend:

Christine — Sat, 19 May 2012 21:58:24 +0000

Narcissist: Friend or foe?

You are meant to be my best friend…….then humour me!

To the typical narcissistic woman, you are no more than an object of “secondary narcissistic supply” that provides her with whatever she wants or needs within the relationship. Typically, she mistakenly interprets her own narcissistic needs as “emotions”. These emotional needs that the narcissistic woman displays can easily be mistaken by another as vulnerability and openness on her part, and she milks this misunderstanding by constantly acting the victim. In dealing with such a relationship, you may well be forgiven for thinking that you are having a friendship with her. In her manipulation she may even fool you that she cares about you, but in reality you don’t count one bit, because she is at the centre of her own make belief world where she is Queen. Her world starts and stops with herself, but she goes out of her way to disguise that fact from everyone she comes into relationship with (her husband, boyfriend, children, parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues).

I mention friends, but in reality she does not understand what it means to be a friend, not in the normal sense of the word. What she surrounds herself with are acquaintances that she refers to as friends, and they come and go in her life with great regularity. The individual may think that they are friends for a while, but soon they become aware that they are in a one sided relationship devoted only to the narcissists needs. When the friend looks for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist female becomes bored very quickly, and the relationship comes to an abrupt and inexplicable end. The narcissistic female becomes cold, uninterested and remote, and the friendship is all but over to the bewilderment of the friend. What the friend generally fails to work out is that they have been experiencing a utilitarian relationship (an absence of mutual involvement between friends) – this is an inversion of the way the narcissist was treated by her own parents, especially the mother. Each loss the narcissistic female experiences is another narcissistic wound to her, and in order to cope, she explains her deficit away by rationalizing that friends always disappoint her.

When the relationship goes wrong, the narcissists typical and much used excuse is to say that her friend was “jealous and envious of her”; therefore she had to end the relationship. The truth of the matter is that without her investment in the other person, the relationship begins to fold, and this folding is experienced by her fragile ego as rejection (a reminder of unempathic and inconsistent early childhood interactions by her mother), which fills her with dread. So at the slightest whiff of rejection (real or imagined), the narcissists gives the so called “friendship’ the chop, in this way she is spared the intolerable feelings of abandonment that she cannot tolerate in any relationship. You need to understand that it is nothing that you have done; her acts are because she responds to some events with extreme fear of abandonment – events that would have little meaning to a healthy person. However, all of this leads to a lot of confusion for those unlucky enough to be in a committed relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Once she has decided that the friendship is coming to its end, she now goes on to hunt for another source of narcissistic supply to fill the gap of the so called friend, and so the cycle continues.

When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than a narcissistic woman. Her envy is actually a rage reaction whenever she is unable to control or possess something another person has. She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity ….or anything in fact). Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet. The root cause of her narcissistic envy can be traced, most likely, back to the serious inadequacies found in the mother/child relationship that she experienced. Sadly the dysfunctional relationship between the young child and her mother leads the child to experience a strong surges of aggression that manifest itself in the form of envy. Furthermore, when a child feels rejected by its mother because they are too needy, the child learns to experience their needs as shameful. In order to protect themselves from further shameful feelings, they convince themselves that they do not have to depend on anyone but themselves. In order to feel safe, the narcissistic personality strives for superiority, and the drive for perfectionism, grandiosity, and self-entitlement begins. Unfortunately, the narcissist’s superiority is juxtaposed to an “inferiority complex” that harbors unconscious feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy. So in order to maintain her superior position, she devalues other people who she imagines may have more prestige than herself. But before she does this, she will go out of her way to become like that person, to learn what she can from them, to model them so that she feels more powerful than them, and finally she discards that person by projecting “envy” on to them. It is through these methods of projection or projective identification, that the narcissist gets rid of her own painful envious emotions so that she can maintain her feeling of superiority. There are no rules as to how she achieves this, she will do this any way she can, for example by ruining the other person’s reputation, or breaking the person psychologically and financially etc. She then coolly moves on to the next cycle of hot pursuit, engorgement, and elimination which is endless.

The Four Components Of Narcissistic Grandiosity

Christine — Sun, 06 May 2012 15:06:56 +0000

There are four components to the narcissist’s grandiosity are:

1. Omnipotence (having unlimited power).

2. Omnivore (perfectionism and completeness)

3. Omniscience (having infinite knowledge).

4. Omnipresence (being everywhere simultaneously).

Omnipotence (having unlimited power): The narcissists grandiose fantasies serve to preserve his belief in his “God-like” omnipotence. Preserving this belief, he feels powerful in the knowledge that he can excel at anything he chooses to do; he will be a winner by applying his “Divine” mind to the task, whatever it is. Without this grandiosity he would have to face the reality of his own shortcomings (abilities, education, overwhelming fears), which he denies to himself fervently.

Omniscience (having infinite knowledge): The narcissist likes to present himself as “all knowing”. In his head he is the authority, the sage, the guru. He sets up his own cult following, with all his little devotees hanging on to his every word, and he is the Master. Obviously, he does not know everything, so when he is in any danger of being exposed, he lies and stretches the truth beyond recognition. Rather than admit that his knowledge escapes him, he will resort to lies in order to protect his false superiority, and will quote untruths to make himself look the expert. He is constantly transforming himself, like the magician, using slight of hand in order to manipulate objects around him. With age he may even metamorphose into a “Divine Being”, Avatar within his own territory.

Having not achieved academic achievements through conventional education, narcissists may become autodidacts at some point in their life. This self-teaching and self-directed learning is safer than leaving them open to scrutiny with their peers, and saving them from having to face examinations, and the fear of failing. Some will, according to their plan for learning, avail themselves of instruction from family members, friends, or other associates. The narcissist keeps re-inventing himself, adding new fields of knowledge as he goes because, at heart, he fancies himself as a “Renaissance Man” (who is skilled in multiple fields or multiple disciplines, and who has a broad base of knowledge).

Omnipresence (being everywhere simultaneously): The narcissist sets up his environment in such a way that he is at the centre of his Kingdom. Everything that happens there revolves around him, and he controls everything within it. According to him, without his presence, the Kingdom and everyone in it would soon disintegrate, and disappear forever. Everyone and everything depends on his being there as Captain, he is the brains that “keep the boat afloat”, in-fact, according to him, without him there would be no boat. His grandiosity makes him a powerful dictator of his little Kingdom, and all the power is his alone. Anything that happens there start and end with him, his word is law. Even outside of his Kingdom, when he attends meetings, he assumes the role of sage, and he expects to carry a special position in any decision making. If this does not happen, then he will no longer attend such meetings.

Omnivore (perfectionism and completeness): The narcissist is an omnivore. One striking behavioural characteristic of all omnivores is their opportunism. Omnivores must be prepared to switch rapidly from one supply resource that may be running out at the end of its ‘season’ to another as it becomes available. The narcissist gobbles up everything, devouring and digests all in his wake. What you have, he wants, whether it is achievements, knowledge, skills, ideas, experiences, work, things etc, and he will manipulate in any way he has to in order to get whatever it is that he wants. He is incapable of enjoying anything, because his one constant is the pursuit of perfection and completeness. The narcissist’s goal is to be the biggest and the best in absolutely everything he is interested in; the biggest house, the fastest car, the most money, the greatest power, be the most beautiful, and of course own the most successful business. They cannot delay gratification either, they live only in the “now”. Their greed and envy is such that they do not tolerate the word “no” in any make or shape. They have a “famine” mentality, and they do not suffer from survivor guilt. The narcissist cannot tolerate anybody having anything better than him, because it taps into his feelings of inferiority of not being good enough, not perfect enough, not smart enough, and this sends him into a rage. His outrageous grandiosity helps to shields him from the pain that he is not perfect. His over exaggerated stories makes him feel that he is “special”, and this boosts his ego, helping him to feel better and more important. His grandiosity also gets him attention, and this attention feeds his obsessional need for the adoration of his False Self, a False Self that is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnivore. In order to survive the illusion, his True Self is abandoned to the outer regions of the cosmos.

CAN WOMEN BE NARCISSISTIC?

Christine — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 21:53:39 +0000

NARCISSISTIC EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE

Can Narcissism Effect Women?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) effects both males and females alike, it is a fallacy to think that narcissistic traits belong only to the male population of society. Such an error in thinking is dangerous in that it denies the harm that women can do to their victims; female narcissists render their victims to just as much pain, humiliation, chaos and destruction as that wielded out by their male counterparts.

American statistics would show that more men present with narcissistic traits then women, however the most up-to-date research also shows that there is a marked shift in the numbers of women presenting with narcissistic behaviors. In my own practice, working with victims of narcissistic abuse, I have found the ratio of male and female narcissistic abuse to be more in the region of about 50/50. What I have also found when listening to the victims is that narcissistic men and narcissistic women often employ different behaviours in order to achieve the same aim.

What is the cause of narcissism?

According to most experts, narcissism would seem to be related to a failure in empathic responding, usually by a mother, towards her child, and this seems to result equally in both males and females developing a deficient internalized structure of self as adults, which is acted out in different ways of behaviour (which seem to be related to gender differences).

What causes gender differences between male and female narcissistic behaviour?

I suspect that the reason for the difference between male and female behaviours may well be related to social structuring between the genders, and this creates a need for male and female narcissists to develop different psychological strategies to compensate for their deficiencies. For example, social western norms tend to accept dominance in males as “macho”, and therefore very acceptable, while dominance in female behaviour is decisively regarded as a “no no”, and therefore unacceptable by society at large. For that reason, narcissistic females (when in the public eye) are inclined to conform to the pressures of social constraints. Society likes to think that all women are sweet, caring, kind, nurturing good-mother’s etc, unfortunately they are not, at least not when they suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. For that reason I believe that narcissistic women are more likely to behave in a more subtle and indirect fashion than male narcissists do because society expect them to be “nice”, and they conform to cultural stereotypes, gender roles and social expectations. For that reason alone they are less likely to be recognized as narcissists by society at large. In short, you could say that females are forced to hide their less appealing narcissistic aspects because of gender expectations within society.

Are male narcissists more aggressive than female narcissists?

It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists. In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently. From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”. That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA). Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships. This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc). This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.

This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.

Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.

Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end. I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR?

Christine — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:41:28 +0000

“PEOPLE WILL BE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES” (St.Paul)

Narcissism is addressed in the Bible in Paul’s second pastoral epistle to Timothy (2 Timothy 3:1-7) in the fall of A.D.67. Paul seems to be concerned about the character and behavior of leaders within the church, so he warns Timothy to beware of those who act out of a “self love attitude”. He says, “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away.” Here Paul names many of the attributes associated (in psychology) to-day with the narcissistic personality we are all becoming so familiar with.

The Science of Psychology and Narcissism as a scholarly study is relatively young, barely more than a century old in fact. However, the term “Narcissism” is not confined to psychology alone, it is also seen through the lens of other disciplines, such as sociology (i.e. Narcissistic Culture); Political Science (i.e. Citizenship and Moral Narcissism); Criminology (i.e The Narcissist and Threatened Egotism); Theological Anthropology (i.e. Theism and Narcissism); Theology (i.e Hedonism and Narcissism).

In Psychology, the term “Narcissism” was first introduced by Alfred Binet (Sexologist) in 1887, however, its usage today has grown more from the notions of Freud’s work in 1914. Mankind has been interested in all aspects of mental processes and behaviour over many millennium, as far back as two thousand years ago the Ancient Greeks explored the meaning of the mind through the myth of Narcissus.

Contrasting the Bible with Psychology:

Let us take a few moments to contrast and compare what St.Paul says to Timothy almost two thousand years ago with today’s psychological understanding of what narcissism is:-

St. Paul says: “For men will be lovers of themselves”

Psychology says: The narcissist form of self love is not a healthy one, as they are really full of self-hatred and self-loathing, which they must disown. Unable to love their True Self, they fall in love with a reflection of themselves (False Self). It is through this projected image that a narcissist is able to generate the much needed Narcissistic Supply that they crave for their very survival. When I speak of “Narcissistic supply” I am referring to whatever feeds the appetites of the narcissistic defenses, whether that currency is Primary or Secondary Supply.

St. Paul says: “Lovers of money”

Psychology says: The narcissist needs money to maintain the false image and keep them on the pedestal they put their selves on. Money is the enabler that allows them to surround themselves with symbols of wealth; the flashy car, the big house, the clothes etc. Wealth to the narcissist portrays both psychological and financial power, putting them on a pedestal of “greatness” where they can be worshiped by everybody, including themselves. They are addicted to adoration and attention, money buys that for them. Because the narcissist grew up feeling deprived of love, they are always seeking love substitutes, and money represents that love that they constantly seek. Money, and their attitudes to it, affects all of the narcissist’s relationships. For example, it is a useful commodity for cajoling and seducing people as a source of future narcissistic supply.

The narcissist use their open display of money in order to get social approval, this often adds to their sense of entitlement. That sense of entitlement often leads them to feel that they are also entitled to other people’s money, they will use any means for extracting what money they can from others. Their grandiose fantasy leads them to believe that they have more money then they really have, and this often lends them to spend recklessly. Money is also useful when their frail ego takes a blow, when this happens they are likely to go on compulsive shopping sprees to comfort and calm themselves. Overstretched and in dept, they are always looking for ways of making more money, so they will hound people, or even commit financial crimes in order to get it.

St. Paul says: “Boasters”

Psychology says: Boasting is a key trait of narcissism. The narcissist boasts about everything, exaggerating their achievements, success, wealth, education, occupation, conquests, power etc, anything in fact that helps them to build a grandiose image. The narcissist suffers from jealousy and envy, anything another person has they want, so they set out to get it. They use their grandiose image as part of their art of seduction in order to attract others to them for their exploitation. However, once they extract what they want from this person they loose respect for them, they are then soon discarded in a terrible fashion, often ruining their reputation in the process. The truth is that narcissists have little or no self-esteem or self-worth of their own (no such ego functions), in fact their boasting implicitly implies a serious lack of self-worth. Boasting has many advantages for the narcissist; to start with, it acts as a defense mechanism against feeling inferior. In order to mask their underlying feelings of inferiority, not just to the world, but to their own self, the narcissist has to maintain their image of superiority, and boasting helps them do that. When you are in their favour, then you will have to be prepared to endure a pretty much one sided relationship, where they are the constant topic of conversation, with their “I”, “me”, “my” and “mine”. If you do manage to talk about yourself, you will soon see them become bored and impatient with the conversation, and somehow the conversation switches back to them, and once again they are in the limelight.

St. Paul says: “Proud”

Psychology says: The narcissists inflated pride convinces them that they are superior to everybody else. In such a place of pridefulness, the narcissist is overly sensitive to any form of actual or perceived criticism that could threaten their self-image and cause them shame. They will react harshly and haughtily to anybody who dares to threaten their false self and magical thinking; therefore threats will not be tolerated for an instant. As the narcissist is always right in their own mind, they will judge anybody in opposition to them immediately as being inferior to them, and therefore deserving of their rage and retribution for daring to attack or humiliation them.

Paul says: Blasphemers

Psychology says: Narcissists cannot handle being upstaged in any way; you must not be seen to be more powerful, more successful, more beautiful, more intelligent, in fact “more” anything. To do so renders you to becoming the narcissists arch enemy, an instant rival to be spoken of in an irreverent or impious manner. Narcissists are masters at using character assassination as a subtle railing tactic to undermine anybody who poses as a threat to their fragile self. Preoccupied with living in their fantasy of power and brilliance, their fragile ego is easily offended, and can often find offense where none is intended. Whether the threat is real or imagined, the aggressive, attacking and abusive narcissist will retaliate by setting out to expose and destroy any person who poses as a threat, and he will do it in any way possible; defame the person with lies and gossip without conscience, then happily by proxy, where they use others to become unwitting character assassins for them. Many narcissists operate through a “God Complex” that is so arrogant that they consider themselves as living Gods, and more than that, they are a god that does not submit to any mere mortal.

St. Paul says: Disobedient to parents.

Psychology says: In the context of the Bible, the parent represents “authority”. The narcissist does not bow to any authority; they see life in terms of self-entitlement in the pursuit of serving their own needs. For that reason, their inner drive is not driven by community values, actually they sneer at them. They do not respect an authority which endeavors to constrain them and make them accountable for their actions; on the contrary, they prefer to live by their own flexible laws and rules of engagement where they are the “authority”. They dedicate their waking time to the constant pursuit of acquiring their own personal authority, and this can be achieved by any means available to them: through their immediate family, the workplace, friends, collogues, peers etc. Indeed any type of relationship that guarantees their flow of Narcissistic Supply will suffice, and in the procurement of their much needed supply, the narcissist will gladly misuse their authority in order to reach their goal. Furthermore, the narcissist sees theirself as a guru, and therefore is inclined to encourage a personality cult following from all their relationships. Then like all cult leaders, they demand total obedience and control over their dominion.

St. Paul says: Unthankful:

Psychology says: Because of their immense sense and expectation of superior entitlement, narcissists are ungrateful and unthankful for whatever they have been given in life. Because they regard themselves as “special”, they seriously believe that they are entitled to have whatever they are given. Generally, with such an exaggerated sense of self importance, their actual levels of achievements are not in accord with their fantasy. Because the narcissist is addicted to excessive amounts of admiration, they come to expect preferential treatment when dealing with others. In short, they live in a world of fantasy, a world in which they are brilliant, powerful and successful in every way imaginable. They expect people to dance around then, so why should they be thankful for anything; actually, it is others who should be thankful to be in the service of such resplendence. If one is silly enough to tell them that they are “ungrateful”, they will defend their right to their entitlement to the very end. They will be outraged by your criticism, and they will insist on a full repayment from you before they will ever consider forgiving you, and if they don’t get it, they will hold a grudge on principle, their need for revenge will be high, and you are likely to be alienated.

St. Paul says: Unholy

Psychology says: The purpose of all human life is to become “Holy”, holy means to become “whole”. When we are whole we are grounded in a sense of our True Self, and the interconnectedness with all that is sacred. That interconnectedness is directed by the natural laws of love, wisdom, reverence and compassion, where we can be other centered. Narcissists, on the other hand, are solitary beings who are grounded in a False Self that renders them addicted to their own self-centeredness. Focused only on their own needs and wants, they become “unholy” predators cut off from all life (secular and sacred). They are at the centre of their universe, with little or no moral code they become intent on violating everything in their sights in order to get their needs meet. In doing so they have no consideration for any damage they cause to others. It is such evil intent that becomes the dualistic opposite of good, rendering the narcissist unholy.

St. Paul says: Unloving

Psychology says: Ego Psychology uses the term “Narcissism” to describe someone who is self-centered, and in love with their own image (as in the myth of Narcissus). Narcissists, by and large, grow up feeling unloved and abandoned. Without experiencing the mirroring of love from another, they lack the ability to love others, or even themselves. Freud spoke of “primary narcissism” as a necessary stage of infant development. He theorized that before a child could love others, it must first learn to love itself. A child devoid of love experiences intolerable painful feelings. In order to survive, they cut-off from these painful feelings and develop an idealized false-self mask that camouflages their suppressed inner feelings of being defective and unlovable. Suspicious and fearful of their own disowned feelings, they then become suspicious of any displays of affection toward them. They interpret these displays of feelings by others as a sign of weakness. This weakness in others then becomes a tool for the narcissist to exploit and manipulate for self gain. While cut off from their true feelings, they fail to develop true empathy for others. As a result, any so called love relationship the narcissist develops lacks true warmth of affection for the other person; rather it is a relationship that is totally focused on the narcissist’s self gain and self worship.

St. Paul says: Unforgiving

Psychology says: Due to their magical thinking, the narcissist False Self utterly believes that they are unique, omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), in short, perfect in every way. Because they strive for perfection, they cannot face their own shortcomings without it triggering personal shame, and shame causes them to experience narcissistic injury (a threat to self-esteem and self-worth). Their response to narcissistic injury is to invariably fly into a narcissistic rage (Kohut), their rage is a direct reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement. So anybody who dares to humiliate or reject them in any way (whether it be real or imagined) will not be forgiven, and the narcissist will develop an obsessive need for revenge against that person. You may think that you are offering them constructive criticism in a manner that may be helpful to them, but this will not be decoded as being helpful to the narcissist, but rather as a threatening act against them. When they feel threatened they feel like a caged animal, and this is sure to illicit an emotional volatile response from them. In their effort to build their damaged ego and escape from their intolerable narcissistic injury, the narcissist takes flight into an escape plan that involves powerful destructiveness. For such a transgression their escape plan involves punishing you, bringing you down and devaluing you without any mercy…….metaphorically “killing you off”, as it were.

St.Paul says: Slanderers

Psychology says: Narcissists build an inner shrine to themselves where they self-aggrandize to an extraordinary degree so that they can feel intrinsically superior to all others. Of course, their highly inflated view of themselves is an illusory false-self (a pathological ego) that becomes the basis for all future misinterpretations of their reality. Their feelings of being superior in everyway to everybody, becomes the source of much pain and envy for them when ever they feel outshined by anybody.

Pathological envy and jealousy is an integral part of narcissism (envy is a desire for what another person has, while jealousy is the fear that something can be taken away). Narcissists are envious of anything in others that they lack in themselves (i.e. beauty, possessions, knowledge, personal qualities, power, skills, achievements, qualifications, relationships, money etc. Their envy consumes them, and the list of their covetousness (“I want, I want”) is endless. Envy is a normal human feeling which can range from mild to severe, from healthy to unhealthy, from positive to negative. For example, “healthy envy” has positive qualities. Healthy envy acts as a valuable guide for your heart, leading you in the direction of what your soul requires, so in effect, the thing you desire acts as a mirror for personal growth. For example, if you envy the knowledge of your tutor in college, perhaps there is a part of your soul that yearns to become a teacher, or to be in a position where you can impart knowledge. Healthy envy is empowering because it brings you nearer to your life’s goal. Whereas, unhealthy envy is disempowering because it keeps you bound to a fantasy, making you blind to your own true nature. Because the narcissist acts out of a False Self, they suffer from a twisted heart, leaving them at the mercy of their “unhealthy envy”, and envy that can trigger their feelings of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing at any moment. Any of these feeling can result in narcissistic injury, to which the narcissist invariably react to with rage. In order to rid themselves of such emotional turmoil and recover their equilibrium, the narcissist projects those intolerable feelings outward onto the person of their envy. Once you become the object of the narcissists envy you are in serious trouble. In order to improve their own self image they are likely to do a character assassination on you. This is not innocent gossip, rather it is an intentional and premeditated smear campaigne of “projection and smearing” that is aimed at maligning you in order to tarnish your reputation and make them feel better about themselves. Be warned, they are cold, ruthless, and self-serving, and by the way, they take no prisoners.

St. Paul says: Without self-control

Psychology says: When we speak of the narcissist in relation to “control”, we find we are dealing with a paradox that is somewhat ironic. In truth, most people would consider narcissists to be “control freaks”, when the fact is they are constantly under the threat of loosing self-control. Due to some circumstance in their childhood, the narcissist would have experienced a loss of control that would have a devastating effect to their sense of self. With a poor sense of self they are left feeling very unsafe in all areas of life. The consequences of feeling so out of control, is that they as adults seek to dominate each and every interaction they have, whether it be with an individual or within a group, whether it be in the home, the workplace, or in social settings. This need to control makes them feel powerful. However, their power is not “power with”, but rather “power over”, and this becomes their springboard to verbal and emotional abuse in all their relationships. For the narcissist, power and control go hand in hand. Strangely enough, they see themselves as masters of power and control, however nothing is further from the truth. In reality the narcissist uses acts of control as a major defense against ALL that appears hostile in their eyes. Control is just one of their obsessive multi-addictions in an organized energy-system that they use to insulate their fragile ego from narcissistic injury, to counterbalance their mental peculiarity in their interpersonal connection with others, and to shield them from their constant feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

At first glance the narcissist appears to the unsuspecting onlooker as being full of self-control; they come across as charismatic, educated, confidant, charming, and sociable. However whenever the narcissist shows an interest in someone, it is not as innocent as it first appears. Because of their obsessive need for attention, the narcissist is on the constant lookout for the narcissistic supply that they crave. They are really good at making themselves appear attractive to others, they are willing to invest a great deal of energy in the beginning of any relationship so that the person feels safe and secure with them. What the unsuspecting victim does not realize is that they are being enticed to becoming a source of supply that the narcissist can control and manipulate. When this is achieved, the narcissist feels empowered and in control of everything within their sphere of influence (i.e. the where, the when, the why etc).

St. Paul says: Despisers of good

Psychology says: Most of mankind is motivated by self-interest, however most can exercise impulse control due to their personal core values. Narcissists on the other hand appear to be disconnected from their personal feelings, therefore lacking a personal value system. This lacking of a value system leads also to a lack of integrity, empathy and a social conscience. Operating from a primary impulse drive of self interest, they rationalize that morally wrong actions are justifiable where self glorification is the end goal. Bankrupt of moral obligation, their grandiose sense of entitlement is free to conclude that the world owes them everything, and that rules that apply to everybody else do not apply to them. They are lovers of good, but only when that good applies to them, because they are really true lovers of self. They resent “do gooders” as they trigger their shame. Of course they will deny this, even to themselves, as they boast that they are moral, and lovers of the common good. Their evil behaviour is a direct result of their “lack of the good”, and they will have no moral conscious about lying about their so called compassionate, righteous and generous nature, all of which is a deceptive camouflage.

St. Paul says: Traitors

Psychology says: A traitor is one who betrays another’s trust. So in what way does a narcissist betray trust? Narcissists are not interested in authentic relationships, that is why they betray people constantly. However, they do need people to boost their fragile ego, that is why they are always on the look out for their narcissistic supply. Once a narcissist identifies a person as their potential supply, they will be stalked as prey by their predator. Once the hunt commences, then every trick at seduction will be engaged until the person is truly hooked. Once a victim is hooked they are seen as fair game for total exploitation. Phase one is called the initial “Idealization Stage”, the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mould their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply. If their potential prey is part of a group, they will target them in such a way until they manage to separate them from all protective friends. For a while the narcissist will shower them with attention in their bid to glean all knowledge about them, their value system, their vulnerability, their interests, their needs and wants. They will then feign those same common interests in such a way that the unsuspecting victim believes that they have found their soul-mate, someone who understands them fully. The victim mistakes what is happening in the relationship as friendship, rather than being a victim who is being used to provide the narcissist with something that they lack. When the narcissist has what they want, they will move into The Devaluation Stage: Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The narcissist “gaslighting behaviour” has reached its peak, and they despise who their supply person has become (weak and worthlessly inferior). Having been devoured, the victim’s utility is exhausted, and the game enters into The Discarding Phase: Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the contest, and the fun is over and they go in for the kill without any remorse. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. It is this behaviour of setting out to find a victim to use, abuse, then annihilate that makes the narcissist such a traitor

St.Paul says: Headstrong

Psychology says: A person who is headstrong is one that is determined to have their own way, and often this is achieved through willfulness and obstinacy. Headstrong types are not easily restrained; they are ungovernable, obstinate and stubborn. Narcissists are driven by this type of impulsiveness, even though they do their best to hide behind a facade that helps them to look like they have a self that is controlled and micro managed. Truth is that their headstrong nature is neither controlled nor well managed. The narcissist lives in their heads, and their headstrong attribute can be detected in their magnetic eyes, which can be seductive one minute (when they want to get their way), or a raging monster the next (when they feel thwarted in reaching their goal). All narcissists have an inordinate fascination with themselves, and they expect this also of their narcissistic supply. So any act of opposition against them, whether it is real or imagined, is likely to make them become violent, obstinate, ungovernable, untractable, stubborn, unruly, and vengeful.

St.Paul says: haughty

Psychology says: To be haughty means to act with blatant arrogance or disdainful pride. The narcissist displays all of these characteristics in that they consider themselves to be better, more superior than those around them. The haughty narcissist basically has an overall attitude that causes them to scorn others, to see them as inferior, by so doing they set themselves above everybody else. This puts them at the centre of the Universe, with everything revolving around them. They have little or no concern for anybody else, preferring to live by their own rules. It is such pride that often brings them down with the law. Without humility of heart the narcissist has no proper perspective beyond himself. Their haughtiness gives way to grandiosity, an overwhelming need for admiration and entitlement, impaired ability to have empathy towards others, and a lack of commitment to others.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR?

Christine — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:29:22 +0000

PEOPLE WILL BE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES

Contrasting the Bible with Psychology:

Let us take a few moments to contrast and compare what St.Paul says to Timothy two thousand years ago with today’s psychological understanding of what narcissism is:-

St. Paul says: “For men will be lovers of themselves”

St. Paul says: “Lovers of money”

St. Paul says: “Boasters”

St. Paul says: “Proud”

Paul says: Blasphemers

St. Paul says: Disobedient to parents.

St. Paul says: Unthankful:

St. Paul says: Unholy

St. Paul says: Unloving

St. Paul says: Unforgiving

St.Paul says: Slanderers

Pathological envy and jealousy is an integral part of narcissism (envy is a desire for what another person has, while jealousy is the fear that what something can be taken away). Narcissists are envious of anything in others that they lack in themselves (i.e. beauty, possessions, knowledge, personal qualities, power, skills, achievements, qualifications, relationships, money etc. Their envy consumes them, and the list of their covetousness (“I want, I want”) is endless. Envy is a normal human feeling which can range from mild to severe, from healthy to unhealthy, from positive to negative. For example, “healthy envy” has positive qualities. Healthy envy acts as a valuable guide for your heart, leading you in the direction of what your soul requires, so in effect, the thing you desire acts as a mirror for personal growth. For example, if you envy the knowledge of your tutor in college, perhaps there is a part of your soul that yearns to become a teacher, or to be in a position where you can impart knowledge. Healthy envy is empowering because it brings you nearer to your life’s goal. Whereas, unhealthy envy is disempowering because it keeps you bound to a fantasy, making you blind to your own true nature. Because the narcissist acts out of a False Self, they suffer from a twisted heart, leaving them at the mercy of their “unhealthy envy”, and envy that can trigger their feelings of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing at any moment. Any of these feeling can result in narcissistic injury, to which the narcissist invariably react to with rage. In order to rid themselves of such emotional turmoil and recover their equilibrium, the narcissist projects those intolerable feelings outward onto the person of their envy. Once you become the object of the narcissists envy you are in serious trouble. In order to improve their own self image they are likely to do a character assassination on you. This is not innocent gossip, rather it is an intentional and premeditated smear campaigne of “projection and smearing” that is aimed at maligning you in order to tarnish your reputation and make them feel better about themselves. Be warned, they are cold, ruthless, and self-serving, and by the way, they take no prisoners.

St. Paul says: Without self-control

St. Paul says: Despisers of good

St. Paul says: Traitors

St.Paul says: Headstrong

St.Paul says: haughty

10 Insights to Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Christine — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:29:04 +0000

Narcissistic behaviour is prevalent in our culture to-day, actually it is reaching epidemic proportions (affecting both males and females), yet not many therapists (Psychotherapists, Counsellors, Coaches, and Supervisors) would be quick to recognise it in the therapy room when clients present with what is now termed as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS). In order to be able to work effectively with narcissistic victim abuse, it is vital that the therapist first understands what narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is, what causes it, and what the insidious behaviours looks like. Failing to understand the highly complex narcissistic behaviour is to also fail to understand the psychological hell that your client has been through. Once understood, however, you will have the clarity of vision to be able to shine a light on the dysfunctional narcissistic behaviour that has baffled and confounded your client for so long. Narcissistic behaviour is so insidious that it keeps the victim living in a nightmarish hell where they are always walking on eggshells to the point that it impairs their ability to be able to function. In order to avoid clumsy repetition of “he/she” and “his/her” in this article, I will use the pronoun “he” when describing NPD.

The following insights are useful for beginning to understand narcissistic behaviour:-

1. Rejection: Because the narcissist is suffering from the core wounds of abandonment, he fears rejection more than anything else in the world. Because of his deep wounds, his antenna is alerted to the slightest hint of any impending danger of rejection (real or imagined), and he will do anything he has to in order to avoid the overriding feeling of shame that it brings. As a result he builds elaborate defence mechanisms all around him, and he will lie, cheat, abuse and manipulate in any conceivable way in order to protect his fragile false-self.

2. False-self: The Narcissist desperately craves love, but at the same time, because of his inordinate fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection, he is terrified of intimacy, therefore leaving him deeply lonely within himself. Never having learnt the art of honest communication, he lacks the skills of forming healthy relationships. His first loving and completely controllable object he attaches to is “himself”. Just like the mythical character Narcissus, he has become the object of his own desire, and he projects that idealized image onto the world through a persona that is a False Self, a false self that he sees as being omnipotent (all-powerful) and omniscient (allknowing). Unfortunately, these images are confabulations, merely elaborate works of fiction which have little or nothing to do with reality. From there he turns others into objects so that they pose no emotional risk. These mental representations of meaningful or significant others become the “Sources of Narcissistic Supply”.

3. Narcissistic Supply: Narcissistic Supply really refers to those people who provide a constant source of attention, approval, adoration, admiration etc, for the narcissist. The attention they receive from the “Supply Source” is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die (either physically or metaphorically), because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem. The narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent. They could not deal with the fact that they need anybody, because needing someone brings with it the threat of being rejected. This would imply some boundary to their power or imply that they are incomplete. Furthermore, they can not tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their “supply”, this only serves to enrage them. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. Any attempt by the supply person to not comply sends him into a rage.

4. Rage: His narcissistic behaviour is full of rage. The raging is the narcissist’s way of screaming for attention because it is all about them, their wants, needs and desires. Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that occurs due to a narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury is a threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, “revenge”. It is important to point out here that narcissistic rage should not be confused with anger, (although the two are similar), the narcissist’s rage is not necessarily caused by a situation that would typically provoke anger in an individual. Their rage frightens people, seeing the fear on others face makes the narcissist feel that they have won, so they feel even more powerful and in control of the situation, and this also satisfies their sadistic nature. The rage supports and covers up their cognitive distortions, fragmentation, dissociation, arrested emotional development, their black and white thinking, their false self, their grandiosity, their need for attention (even if negative), their need to be right, and their lack of empathy. In short, the narcissists “rage” houses the actions necessary for the narcissist to defend himself against his hostile world (i.e. splitting, devaluation, projection, projective identification etc), however, these defences, like a double-edged sword, render any closeness or intimacy impossible, whether intentionally or unintentionally. However, the rage makes him feel that he is taking back control whenever in fear of losing it.

5. Power and Control: In his everyday existence he seeks to dominate each individual and group he interacts with, whether that is in the home, the workplace or social events. His power is not “power with”, but rather “power over” all that he surveys. His power and control is his springboard to verbal and emotional abuse. For example, while he enforces financial restrictions over his family, he is free to make decisions regarding expenditure for himself. When it comes to the everyday caretaking of the household he does not partake of the menial tasks, however he undermines and condemns those doing the tasks. His energy is spent on “ideas” as to how things get done, but the doing is left to the “plebs” to carry out the work and ideas for him. As the job gets done, the narcissist criticizes and complains, and he fails to give credit where credit is due. He convinces himself that it is his brains that direct the work, without him nothing would be achieved, and he totally fails to appreciate the work done by others. He is lost in his own grandiosity.

6. Grandiosity: Grandiosity is usually the most outstanding and discriminating feature of individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Grandiosity can be expressed in an unrealistic overvaluation of talents and abilities; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, power, wealth or success; and a belief in unrealistic superiority and uniqueness. This is usually accompanied by boastful, pretentious, self-centred and self-referential narcissistic behaviour. According to Gunderson and Ronningstam, from “The Diagnostic Interview for Narcissistic Patients” (Archives of General Psychiatry,1990), that the research shows that the grandiose narcissist exaggerates his talents, capacity, and achievements in an unrealistic way. He believes in his invulnerability, or does not recognize his limitations. His grandiose fantasies lead him to believe that he does not need other people. To need others would fill him with immeasurable shame.

7. Shame: Shame would appear to be the ongoing tension between the narcissist’s grandiosity and his desire for perfection. When shame is experienced by the narcissist he feels inadequate, flawed, and inferior. Narcissistically injured himself, he is now likely to fly into a sudden resurgence of rage as he feels conspicuous, exposed, and vulnerable to humiliation. He is overwhelmed by anxiety because he believes that he will lose the imagined love and admiration from other people if he isn’t perfect. So we can say that consciously the narcissist is being driven to do better and better within the rigid frameworks they have created for themselves; however, unconsciously they cannot control their behaviour, so they and anybody who surrounds them have to suffer.

8. Perfectionism: Governed by a False Self, the narcissist’s obsessional behaviour sets unrealistic goals. He then struggles to maintain those goals within the realities of what he perceives as an imperfect world. This pressure that the narcissist puts on himself comes from his unrelenting demand for perfection, which of course is necessary if his grandiosity and illusion of omnipotence is to be maintained. Furthermore, since the narcissist is ruled by his “black and white” or “all right or all wrong” thinking, he can only views his achievements in one of two ways, either they are viewed: as being the greatest accomplishments, or they are viewed as the greatest failures. There is no middle space; therefore there is no room for the emergence of a process for further learning. So he either reaches his positive ego ideal (his Eureka moment), where he experiences an elated self-esteem to his liking, where he can feel a great sense of achievement, and flaunt it to the world with pride. Or he experiences a negative ego ideal, where his omnipotence is threatened; throwing his sense of perfection and uniqueness into question. When the latter is experienced, it leads to feelings of shame, vulnerability and failure for the narcissist; his pride of accomplishment is likely to be devalued, and his commitment and capacity to follow through on this achievement is most likely to be scrapped, because it is too painful not being able to live up to his positive ego ideal. Of course this is going to enrage him, and he is likely to be engulfed by feelings of self doubt, self-loathing, and self-reprimanding behaviour. Shame would appear to be the ongoing tension-generating dialectic between the narcissist’s grandiosity and his desire for perfection. When shame is experienced by the narcissist he feels inadequate, flawed, and inferior. Narcissistically injured himself, he is now likely to fly into a sudden resurgence of rage as he feels conspicuous, exposed, and vulnerable to humiliation.

9. Boredom: Narcissists have an insatiable need for excitement in order to feel good about themselves, and they are forever chasing thrills. Because they are so full of aggression, any excitement helps them to burn off their furious anger that is always bottled inside of them. Of course, their aggression comes in many guises, and one of their favourite disguises is boredom. Faced with boredom, the narcissist plummets into the abyss of despair where he touches old feelings of helplessness, and inadequacy born out of earlier experiences (for example, it may be feelings of inferiority that came from an inability to understanding lessons in school, or as a result of being bullied etc). Boredom creates anxiety for them; it simply devastates their morale, so they won’t tolerate it for very long. It is precisely these feelings of anxiety that lead the individual to search for “narcissistic supply” in the first place. In order to assist him in his never ending quest, he looks for fame.

10. Fame: One of the reasons that the narcissist has an insatiable need for fame is because it leads him to the inexhaustible repository of praise and admiration which he craves in order to fill the “Gap” of his shameful childhood. The intolerable shame experienced as a child leaves the narcissist to experience pervasive feelings of self-contempt and worthlessness. Since the painful effects of shame cannot be regulated, the narcissist develops an effective way not to experience it. He routinely “splits off” from that part of himself that feels the shame, thus allowing him to “bypass” his shameful feelings. To the onlooker, by-passed shame looks like shamelessness, or an absence of conscience. The “shamelessness” works in such a way that it directs the shame outward, away from the Self, where nothing is ever his fault, thus defending the narcissist against the feelings of self-contempt and unworthiness that he feels. His tried and tested way of alleviating the effects of such feelings is by having admiration from his endless menu of narcissistic supply, and this he manages to maintain by assuming an attitude of grandiosity and entitlement, which in turn makes him feel famous and special. The feelings of fame make him feel alive, and the more alive he feels, the more he plays to his audience. His audience reflects his celebrity image and status back to him, and his very existence is affirmed. This affirmation of himself is expressed outwardly in his narcissist hubris and over-confidence. Hubris refers to the exaggerated self confidence or pride displayed by the narcissist, and it often operates within the connotation that retribution will follow if you should dare to cross him.

To conclude: Narcissism is a pathological condition where the individual experiences great difficulties within his relationships as a direct result of deprivation suffered as a child. The narcissistic behaviours are the narcissist’s self-preservative attempts to protect himself from any further painful narcissistic insult as experienced as a child, through his hostile world and dysfunctional school and family system, his internal regulating system so to speak. Because the narcissist does not possess the internal structures necessary to combat their terrifying sense of fragmentation, anxiety and declining self-esteem, they turn to these external behaviours in their attempt to self-soothe. And as you can see, the narcissistic behaviour becomes an endless spiral that keeps looping back on itself in every situation, causing an endless stream of narcissistic victim abuse in its wake.

There Are Four Components to Narcissistic Grandiosity

Christine — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 08:00:30 +0000

The Four Components to Narcissistic Grandiosity Are:

Someone please burst the Narcissist's Grandiosity Bubble

1. Omnipotence (having unlimited power): The narcissists grandiose fantasies serve to preserve their belief in their “God-like” omnipotence. Their magical thinking is a symptom of their obsessional neurosis that they are all powerful. Preserving this belief, they feel powerful in the knowledge that they can excel at anything they choose to do; they will be a winner by applying their “Divine” mind to the task, whatever it is. Without this grandiosity they would have to face the reality of their own shortcomings (abilities, education, overwhelming fears), which they deny to theirselves fervently.

2. Omniscience (having infinite knowledge): The narcissist likes to present themself as “all knowing”. In their head they are the authority, the sage, the guru. They set up their own cult following, with all their little devotees hanging on to their every word, and they are the Master. Obviously, they do not know everything, so when there is in any danger of being exposed, they lie and stretche the truth beyond recognition. Rather than admit that their knowledge escapes them they will resort to lies in order to protect their false superiority, and will quote untruths to make themselves look the expert. They constantly transforming themselves, like the magician, using slight of hand in order to manipulate objects around them. With age they may even metamorphose into a “Divine Being”, Avatar within their own territory.

Having not achieved academic achievements through conventional education, narcissists may become autodidacts (a self-taught person) at some point in their life. This self-teaching and self-directed learning is safer than leaving them open to scrutiny with their peers, and saving them from having to face examinations, and the fear of failing. Some will, according to their plan for learning, avail themselves of instruction from family members, friends, or other associates. The narcissist keeps re-inventing themselves, adding new fields of knowledge as they go because, at heart, they fancy themselves as a “Renaissance Man/Woman” (who is skilled in multiple fields or multiple disciplines, and who has a broad base of knowledge).

3. Omnipresence (being everywhere simultaneously): The narcissist sets up their environment in such a way that they are at the centre of their Kingdom. Everything that happens there revolves around them, and they controls everything within it. According to them, without their presence, the Kingdom and everyone in it would soon disintegrate, and disappear forever. Everyone and everything depends on their being there as Captain, they are the brains that “keep the boat afloat”, in-fact, according to them, without them there would be no boat. Their grandiosity makes them a powerful dictator of their little Kingdom, and all the power is theirs alone. Anything that happens there start and end with them, their word is law. Even outside of their Kingdom, when they attend meetings, they assume the role of sage, and they expect to carry a special position in any decision making. If this does not happen, they will no longer attend such meetings.

4. Omnivore (perfectionism and completeness): The narcissist is an omnivore. One striking behavioural characteristic of all omnivores is their opportunism. Omnivores must be prepared to switch rapidly from one supply resource that may be running out at the end of its ‘season’ to another as it becomes available. Just like Pac-Man, the narcissist gobbles up everything, devouring and digests all in his wake. What you have, they want, whether it is achievements, knowledge, skills, ideas, experiences, work, things etc, and they will manipulate in any way they have to in order to get whatever it is that they want. They are incapable of enjoying anything, because their one constant is the pursuit of perfection and completeness. The narcissist’s goal is to be the biggest and the best in absolutely everything they are interested in; the biggest house, the fastest car, the most money, the greatest power, be the most beautiful, and of course own the most successful business. They cannot delay gratification either, they live only in the “now”. Their greed and envy is such that they do not tolerate the word “no” in any make or shape. They have a “famine” mentality, and they do not suffer from survivor guilt. The narcissist cannot tolerate anybody having anything better than them, because it taps into their feelings of inferiority of not being good enough, not perfect enough, not smart enough, and this sends them into a rage. Their outrageous grandiosity helps to shields them from the pain that they are not perfect. Their over exaggerated stories makes them feel that they are “special”, and this boosts their ego, helping them to feel better and more important. Their grandiosity also gets them attention, and this attention feeds their obsessional need for the adoration of their False Self, a False Self that is omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnivore. In order to survive the illusion their True Self is abandoned to the outer regions of the cosmos.

Narcissism And The Addiction To Narcissistic Supply

Christine — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 23:39:28 +0000

The Narcissists Addiction to Narcissistic Supply:

Lamb to the Slaughter

Narcissists are addicted to a drug known as “Narcissistic Supply”, and it does not matter whether the supply is good or bad, what matters is that the supply brings adulation, fame, and celebrity that is constant, reliable, and predictable.

Narcissistic Supply really refers to those people who provide a constant source of attention, approval, adoration, admiration etc, for the narcissist. The attention they receive from the “Supply Source” is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die (either physically or metaphorically), because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem. The narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent. They could not deal with the fact that they need anybody, because needing someone would imply some boundary to their power or imply that they are incomplete. Furthermore, they can not tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their “supply”, this only serves to enrage them. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. Any deviation from this position on the part of their supply will end in punishment for the transgressor. So, like the Queen Bee, the narcissist is surrounded with a hive of worker bees, all in service to their needs, which ironically make them totally co-dependent on others for their survival.

The narcissist’s pattern of behaviour is driven purely by their addiction for admiration and respect from others, it fills their thoughts, actions and deeds, and the source of that supply is not particularly important. As with all addictions, there are good and bad sources of supply, and to the narcissist, any source is better than none. However, given a choice, their first choice would be to pursue the finest sources possible. The best source would depend on how they view the Supply in the first place. If they can get the admiration from a source that they find superior themselves, then that would be even better. So if they admire someone, for whatever reason, for example, their intellect, their knowledge, their wealth, their position etc, then these people would be really welcome trophies to have notched up on their belt. Of course, they would only respect those people who they would acknowledge as being on a higher social status than themselves anyway.

If they manage to gain admiration from a high ranking, high status person, they will ingratiate themselves to that individual with a clear intention to extract any “greatness” they perceive that person to have. This may be by way of getting information, skills, knowledge etc., which they will then go on to model, as all of these attributes are a further source of power to the narcissist. If they can gleam that which they admire in the other, then they in effect become just like the object of their desire, they are elevated (in their own eyes) to a higher social status themselves. In the meantime, they will continue to extract as much admiration for themselves from the relationship as possible; this bolsters their confidence while they model their new status to the world. However, the narcissist knows that this honeymoon period will be short lived, because once they have exhausted the relationship, and they get all that they wanted they will become bored. Once bored they will be unable to keep up the pretense of being a mutual caring cohort, the false integrated self they presented begins to breakdown, along with their patience to keep up their act of being a ally. Then, quite abruptly and inexplicably, they decide it is time that it is all over, and a quick as the changing wind, the narcissist becomes cold, uninterested and devious.

The narcissist then starts his vicious attack whereby he sets about devaluing his dismissed Supply. The very things that had once attracted them to the Supply in the first place (their innocence, amenableness, humbleness, wisdom, warm-heartedness, knowledge, energy etc) they now despise, and so they use these same qualities against the individual with a hardness and razor-sharpness befitting a warrior’s Samurai sword…. instantly killing them dead without any remorse.

Part of the reason for wanting to kill off the individual is because in order to con them into giving them what they wanted, the narcissist it required to reveal some things about himself. This brings a sense of intimacy which is very unsettling because it makes them feel vulnerable, therefore fearful. After having, what felt like an intimate relationship, naturally the source of supply (the victim) is utterly confused by the sudden change in behaviour toward them. Being treated in this fashion is a very personal thing to the victim, however, to the narcissist is not that personal at all, for they would have reacted absolutely the same way to any other source because, to him, all sources are transposable.

Now that it has been decided that this particular narcissistic source of supply has reached its end, the narcissist behaviour becomes angry, the exchanges become bizarre, lies and punishing behaviour ensues. Because the narcissist is unable to be truly intimate or have empathy, it would not be long before the other person realizes that something is seriously very wrong with how the relationship is going. And as in any healthy relationship, the Supply person, believing that they are both good friends, begins to fight for the relationship and so challenge the narcissist as to what is actually happening between them. When this begins to happen, the narcissist feels rebuffed, and unable to handle the rejection and conflict, they become even angrier. Because they have been through this process many times before, and recognize that the other person is no longer their source of supply for admiration, they want to quit. Also, rather than risk being rejected further, the narcissist wants to move on, so rejects before being rejected. Leaving the other unsuspecting person totally confused. The more hurt and confused the Supply person becomes, the more the narcissist’s sadistic tendencies are rewarded.

Once again the narcissist goes looking for a new narcissistic source, and if necessary they will resort to a lower social network of victim in order to feed the addiction for admiration. They will not be happy that they were rebuffed by their once superior supply; they will feel that having to resort to a lower status supply an insult to their inflated ego, therefore they rationalize that their treatment for the victim was justified. Sometimes the feeling of hitting “rock bottom” makes the narcissist put a stop on their narcissistic pattern, but it is only likely to be a temporarily stay of humility until they recover. Then once someone walks into their sights that interest them, the cycle is likely to begin again.

Like all addicts, the narcissist has to continually replenish his supply. For that reason he has two sources of Narcissistic Supply to draw from; one is known as Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS), the other as Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SNS) (Vaknin). Primary Supply is all about anyone or anything that wins him “Attention”. This attention may come by public means, such as fame or infamy, or by private means, such as admiration or hate. The supply comes on a casual and random basis, and it does not necessarily matter whether the attention is positive or negative; positive would make them happier, but in the long run, one is as good as the other to the narcissist. The source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply comes from those people and things that provide that supply on a regular basis; spouse, family, friends, colleagues, partners, business etc., all of which give them a feeling of security and pride, and the appearance of leading a well-adjusted life. This form of supply needs to be positive if it is to survive, any show of negativity would end in a killing off of the individual, regardless of whom they may be. It is this form of supply that is also the source of reserve for when the primary supply runs short. However, both are used in much the same way by the narcissist.

Narcissists go through two cycles where they are either euphoric, which creates a feeling of exaggerated elation and well-being; or dysphoric, which generally creates feelings of sadness, anxiety, irritability, and restlessness. These states are related to the absence or to the presence of Narcissistic Supply. With the loss of either the Primary or Secondary Sources of Supplies, the narcissist will experience a cycle of dysphoria that will be overwhelming and inescapable for them. When the dysphoria sets in, the narcissist will display mood swings, especially rage, and he will feel (and look) out of control. He is then likely to turn to one of his other classical addictions, for example, excessive shopping, food, drugs etc, and he becomes even more detached into a world of fantasy and refuses to deal with anybody, instead uses messengers to do his communication for him. At its height his feelings of isolation and self loathing, he turns inward, and this may well lead to feelings of suicide, he then turns in desperation to his family (his secondary source of supply). Now in a rage, he punishes anyone who he thinks is adding to his pain. At this point he is anti-social, and dangerous, and in some cases, possibly even psychopathic. He will then withdraw into life, what Vaknin calls, narcissistic hibernation (this is the depressive part of the cycle). After some time in this space, the narcissist begins to feel a change, a change that will promote self-healing, and once again the narcissist feels in control and looks to the next achievement. Like a high-energy firework, the whole tiresome business of finding a new source of narcissistic supply begins all over again, and he is energized until the next paranoid disaster comes around. According to Vaknin, this reactive pattern, which he calls the Reactive Repertoire, is the physical dimension of the narcissist’s constant evasion of life and reality.

The Narcissists Addiction to Adrenaline

Christine — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 08:00:37 +0000

The Narcissists Addiction to Adrenaline:

Adrenaline is a hormone produced by the adrenal gland in the body of many animals, including man. When it is produced in the body it stimulates the heart-rate, dilates blood vessels and air passages, and has a number of more minor effects. Adrenaline is naturally produced in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations and it is another addiction of the narcissist. The narcissistic adrenaline junkie displays a constant need for excitement, urgency, drama, even panic, to get them through the day. Like an alcoholic after a night of binge drinking, the adrenaline addict will often sit at home and wonder how life became so chaotic, and vowing to take back control the next day. And then that day begins and their addiction kicks in once again, giving them a sense of comfort even as it hurts them.

There is something particularly deceptive about being an adrenaline addiction. Unlike other addicts whose behaviours are socially frowned-upon, adrenaline addicts are often praised for their frantic activity, many are often even promoted for it during their careers. And so, getting positive attention for what is actually problem behaviour, the narcissist wears his “badge” with pride, failing to see it as an addiction at all in spite of the pain it causes the people around them. Of course, the narcissist, who is a dramatist, gets a degree of satisfaction from their addiction because it gives them an opportunity to draw attention to themselves and their plight. They complain about and describe their overwhelming situation, seemingly seeking admiration or pity from those upon whom they unload their problems. If you should dare to confront a narcissist about their problem of being an adrenaline addicts, they will soon defend themselves by telling you about their endless list of responsibilities, and all the useless people who can’t do anything right, so they have to do everything themselves. And while they’ll often complain about their situation, they’ll quickly brush off any constructive advice from spouses, friends or co-workers who, according to them, “just don’t understand.”

Just as with any addiction, there is a cost to be paid. First to the narcissist himself, while getting busier and busier, with no sign of relief, the rush from their addiction subsides and their job satisfaction starts to plummet. Activities that they once enjoyed, that they aspired to do for years, suddenly become drudgery, causing the quality of their work to drop too. They can then become resentful of all that they have to do, that they are working harder than ever, with less results and personal satisfaction, their frustration and boredom only increases. They feel envy of others seeming to get more time to relax, and they become angry at everybody around them for being so useless. But the addict is not the only victim of this problem. Anyone who has to work or live with the narcissist will find themselves whipped in different directions, seemingly at random, based on whatever issue is causing the narcissists adrenaline to spike. Strategic planning goes out the window, replaced by reactivity and self-inflicted crisis. No one within close proximity will be spared from the effects of the narcissists adrenaline addiction, all they can do is respond to – even enable the narcissist while keeping their heads down while the panic and lies ensue. According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, in his book Malignant Self Love, the Adrenaline Junkie feels that he is in control, alert, excited, and vital. He does not regard his condition as dependence. The narcissist firmly believes that he is in charge of his addiction, which he can quit at will and on short notice.

One thing is for sure, Narcissists have an insatiable need for excitement in order to feel good about themselves, and they are forever chasing thrills. Because they are so full of aggression, any excitement helps them to burn off their furious anger that is always bottled inside of them. Of course, their aggression comes in many guises, and one of their favourite disguises is boredom. Faced with boredom, the narcissist plummets into the abyss of despair where he touches old feelings of helplessness, and inadequacy born out of earlier experiences (for example, it may be feelings of inferiority that came from an inability to understanding lessons in school, or as a result of being bullied etc). Boredom creates anxiety for them; it simply devastates their morale, so they won’t tolerate it for very long. It is precisely these feelings of anxiety that lead the individual to search for “narcissistic supply” in the first place.

In particular, the Narcissist is addicted to the adrenaline rush of their Narcissistic Supply, the reason being that this is one of their greatest outlets for pleasure. During the adventure of the “chase and the catch” they are filled with excitement. They are never more omnipotent, omniscient, sexy, invincible, and irresistible then when they find a new source of supply. This is the time when the narcissist feels most elated; this gives them their greatest high. However, when their narcissistic supply is not available they become paranoid and manic, and will do all in their power to find another victim to supply their needs. If they are unsuccessful, without their source of supply they become lost, and withdraw, what Sam Vaknin described as “a zombie-like state of numbness”. In this place their consciousness becomes even more restricted and distorted. In order to relieve their pain, they will then resorts to “abnormal” narcissistic supply. Desperate, their only goal is to seek out their drug in whatever way they can, which may mean behaving recklessly, or by living dangerously in order to find a victim. Once they have found a new “supply”, they become the centre of attention, and the feelings of excitement begin all over again, and for a while everything is all right in their world.

NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME: What the heck is that?

Christine — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 13:15:38 +0000

What causes Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

When a man or woman suffers from a condition named Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they display patterns of deviant or abnormal behaviour that is so bad, that it creates carnage on those people who are unfortunate enough to have a close relationship with them.

The dysfunctional behaviour involves such callous exploitation of their victims that it has given birth to a new condition known as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (or Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome). While plenty has been written medically about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), little or nothing has been written about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVD). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), which is published by the American Psychiatric Association, and it is considered the “bible” for all professionals, covers NPD extensively. However DSM-IV has not written anything about the effects on those who live or work with the narcissist’s torturous behaviours, and the consequences of that behaviour on the mental health of the victim. Thanks to the dedicated work of many psychotherapists, it has become clear that a set of detectable characteristics occur when working with victims of narcissistic abuse. The good news is that American therapists are calling for the recognition of this syndrome to be included in the next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V, to be published in 2013), in the hope that all therapists will be given standard guidelines for formulating a way of working with this syndrome.

First, what do we mean by “Syndrome”?

The word “syndrome” comes from the Greek “syn”, which means together, and “dramein”, which means to run. So a syndrome is a set of signs and symptoms that tend to run together in a cluster that can be recognized as causing a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. In order to be able to diagnose a client suffering with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, the therapists needs to be able to gather together the signs and symptoms and access the client’s psychological make-up as their story unfolds. That way they will be in a position to know if the person is suffering from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, or a lesser form of abuse on their mental well-being.

Do therapists know enough about the effects of Narcissism on the Victim?

Speaking for psychotherapists in Ireland, I can confidently say “definitely not”. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is predominately the domain of psychiatrists, psychologists, and the mental health services; so naturally, rarely would a diagnosed narcissist be consciously referred to a psychotherapist outside of the Mental Health Services. Naturally, as a consequence, the mental health services only concentrated on the vulnerability and treatment of the narcissistic patient in their care, their priority is not the victim; unless the victim ends up in psychiatric care themselves somewhere down the line at a later date.

Victims are more likely to present themselves in counselling or psychotherapy, not because they know that they may be suffering from NVS, but because they are not coping with their lives. I have spoken to many other psychotherapists, and although they know of narcissism, none feel that they have been sufficiently trained for recognizing narcissistic behaviour and its effects on victims, let alone work with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Because most Irish psychotherapy courses do little or no training in this area, and the fact that little or nothing has been written in the medical literature regarding the victims of narcissistic abuse, it is my observation that, the majority of therapists, through no fault of their own, are ill equip to work with clients with this syndrome. If you read any of the Support Forums for survivors of narcissistic abuse, you will constantly hear them say that their therapists did not understand the depth of suffering they had been subjected to, and that the term “narcissistic abuse” had rarely been mentioned to them.

Understanding Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS) first requires an understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):

In order to be an effective therapist in the area of narcissistic victim abuse, it is vital to understand all that you can about the spectrum of narcissistic behaviour. The spectrum of narcissism exists on a continuum, from healthy narcissism, to unhealthy traits, and all the way to pathological Narcissistic Personality Disorder. By the way, the narcissist does not have to display all of the traits associated with the full blown pathological stage of narcissism in order to do untold damage to their victims. For that reason, therapists need to familiarize themselves about narcissistic traits and the relationship dynamics between the narcissist and their victim. I am talking about the narcissists overwhelming need for entitlement, control, power, grandiosity and specialness, and how they use these traits to keep their omnipotent fantasies and their vulnerable ego in tact.

Due to their own lack of receiving reasonably attuned care-giving as a child (whether it was being under protected or over protected), the narcissist does not develop the authentic “True Self” that is necessary for confident living. A disregard of the child’s basic needs disturbs their development of self-esteem and the ability to function effectively. In order to protect themselves, they invest a lot of energy building up defenses. One of those defenses to is develop a “False Self”; which is a mask of behaviour that allows them to put on a show of being real in public. However, this pretense leaves the narcissist constantly guarding themselves from being “found out”, making them overly sensitive to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury is any perceived threat (real or imagined) to the narcissist’s self-esteem or self-worth. So in order to maintain their illusion and protect their false self from any fluctuations of a disappointed ego-ideal, the narcissist demands that they receive perfect mirroring, stroking, and responses from their victims; this attention is known as narcissistic supply.

What is Narcissistic Supply?

Narcissistic supply is anything in fact that shields the narcissist from feeling a sense of shame or abandonment, and this is an integral part of narcissism. The narcissist needs narcissistic supply in order to preserve their fragile ego, and this can be provided by two distinct sources:-

Primary Narcissistic Supply provides all of the attention that the narcissist addict craves. The nature of the attention can be experienced in either a public form (such as fame, celebrity, notoriety, or infamy etc.), or in a private form (such as admiration, flattery, acclaim, fear, repulsion etc.).
Secondary Narcissistic Supply alludes to those people or things that provide supply on a regular basis (such as a spouse, children, friends, colleagues, partners, clients, etc.). This latter form of supply allows the narcissist to lead a more normal existence, it provides them with pride, financial safety, social distinction and the alliance that they need.

However, narcissistic supply is not confined to people only, it can be applied to any inanimate object that has the ability to attract attention and admiration to the narcissist, (for example, a flash car, property, clothes, being a member of a church, cult, club, or a business). In short, anything that acts as status symbols for the narcissist is “narcissistic supply”.

The therapist will also need to know how these behaviours go hand-in-hand with the obsessive multi-addictions of the narcissist. Obsessed by the illusion of a False Self, and an inflated sense of their own superiority, power, and control, the narcissist renders himself susceptible to all sorts of obsessions, compulsions, and addictions; such as, addiction to Narcissistic Supply; to Grandiosity; to Control, to Power; to Rage; to Perfectionism; to Attention; to Fame etc. Without a comprehensive knowledge of narcissism, a therapist has no way of understanding the devastating effects of the narcissistic abuse on the victim they are treating, effects that are so crippling that they can result in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

To-day I do a great deal of work in this area, and my mission is to teach other therapist all that I have learned, so that they too can become more effective in working in the area of this form of abuse, which is very much on the increase. My intention is not to “bad mouth” those who are suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the contrary, I believe that they are also victims of abuse somewhere in their past, and they too suffer greatly on a daily basis. What I hope is that my study will allows for more compassion towards both the narcissist and the victim, and provide therapists with insights for a better way of recognizing and working with narcissistic abuse in the therapeutic process.

What is Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

Definition of the word “Victim” - “A person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action”. So I think we can safely say (using this definition), that any person who has experienced narcissistic abuse has been harmed, injured, and in some cases, even killed as result of the narcissists behaviour, then they are indeed victims.

When working with individuals who are displaying symptoms of narcissistic victim syndrome, the thing that I notice most of all is that the person feels so torn because they don’t understand what has happened to them. Before they can begin to put themselves back together, I believe that it is vital that the therapist must, through the process of the therapeutic work in progress, educate the individual in the area of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the What, the When, the How, and the Why of the abuse etc) so that they can begin to make sense of what was really happening as their story unfolds. Without such information it is virtually impossible to build up their self-esteem to healthy levels, thus leaving them vulnerable to further re-victimization, and future entrapment with other narcissists.

Once a person has become a victim of a narcissist (whether it happened in childhood or later on in life), the victims are already unconsciously primed to enter the narcissist’s “convoluted dance” that opens them up to further abuse. It is necessary for the therapist to gently shine a light on what they are doing in the dance that makes them a victim. Once again, a “Narcissistic Victim” is any person who is harmed, injured or killed by a person who displays pathological narcissism (which can occur on a spectrum of severity).

The victim needs to understand that this “dance” of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer (victim), and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict), together both partners dance beautifully in perfect step, and the madness begins. The consequences for the victim not understanding the intricacy of the dance, is that, no matter how often they try to avoid “unhealthy” partners, they will find themselves habitually returning to the same dance floor; the only thing that will change is that they will find themselves dancing to a different tune, but always the personality of the dance partner remains the same.

Therapist need to be seriously aware that narcissism is a very complex disorder that creates a lot of suffering, both to the person who has the disorder, and to those people who have to live with the disordered narcissistic behavior on a daily basis. When I speak of narcissistic abuse, (abuse that can lead to Narcissistic Victim Syndrome), I am speaking about a form of abuse that is very insidious. What I mean by insidious is that the abuse is covert, cunning and often indirect. This form of abuse is often carried out in a subtly and clandestine manner, because narcissists go to great pains to avoid being observed publicly as being abusive. This Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behaviour of the narcissist (loving one minute and totally enraged the next) can inflict great harm on the victim. Understandably, the fear, distress, confusion, inner turmoil, and chaos that they experience leaves them “walking on eggshells” in order to avoid further conflict with the narcissist. The effect on the victim over time can be very crippling indeed. I liken narcissism to a parasitic worm that manages to penetrate under the skin, where it is out of the sight of witnessing eyes, but is free to injure or consume its host slowly, leaving trauma or disease in its wake. By the way, the narcissist can manage to live on inside the victim even after they manage to escape; it is as if their “seed” goes on.

However, when we speak of Narcissistic Victim Abuse, we are speaking of an abuse that has been caused by someone with a personality disorder, and more often than not, their personality disorder has not been medically diagnosed, therefore the narcissistic individual goes undetected in society (i.e. in the home, the work-place, in organizations, in social settings etc.). It is vital to understand that narcissistic personality disorder is a serious mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, and a deep need for attention and admiration. The narcissist believes that they are superior to others, and have little regard for other people’s feelings, regardless of whom they are (i.e. spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, peers etc.). Other people are merely object there to serve their every need as narcissistic supply, and they will use every form of abuse, without guilt, empathy or conscience, in order to make sure that their needs are served.

What do victims of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome look like?

Are these clients likely to come into the therapy room and say “I am the victim of narcissistic abuse”? The answer is, absolutely not? They will look like any other client coming into your therapy room for the very first time. They are probably most likely to bring in an issue that is quite mundane and recognizable; such as, they are feeling depressed, having panic attacks, or the feeling that they cannot cope. They have no idea that they have been living in a “war zone” with a narcissistic personality in command (either in the past or in the present). However, you, as the therapist, do not need to be afraid that you will not be able to cope with this syndrome. If you have completed your training, then you should have all the skills necessary to work with this syndrome. Armed with knowledge of narcissistic abuse, and practical skills of working with trauma, you will become a life-line to any victim of narcissistic abuse.

Like all clients coming into therapy, they have a story to tell; therefore they need someone to become an active listener, and to validate what has happened to them. To my mind, it is the validation of the person’s experience that is vital from the very beginning. These clients are not mad, however, frequently they appear highly strung or nervous, and their levels of fear may be high, while their level of self-esteem is low. Often they present with obsessive compulsive behaviours, phobias, panic attacks, so at times they may actually feel that they are going mad. They may experience insomnia, and may have underlying eating disorders, so you may notice they are either under weight (as a means of having some control), or overweight (as a result of eating to self-comfort).

You will find yourself working with emotions involving shock, anger, fear, and guilt. Often the victim will be suffering from PostTraumatic-Stress Disorder (PTSD), or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; Symptoms of PTSD are often grouped into three main categories: Re-living (flashbacks, hallucinations, nightmares etc), Avoiding (people, places, thoughts, loss of interest etc), and Increased Arousal (excessive emotions, problems relating, difficulty in sleeping and concentration, outbursts of anger, anxiousness, panic attacks etc). You may also notice that your client is inclined to “dissociate” while you are talking to them. That is, it seems as if the client is tending to “compartmentalize their experience.”; in so doing, they may appear to be detached from their emotions, body, or immediate surroundings, this experience is called derealization.

Dissociation can be caused as a direct result of trauma, often experienced in multiple forms during narcissistic childhood traumas (i.e. physical, psychological and sexual abuse). The dissociation is an automatic and effective defense mechanism to overwhelming acute stress the child is being subjected to; it is as if the child “jumps out” of their body in order to disconnect from the intolerable reality of the abuse while it is happening; by dissociating, the child is able to endure the highly traumatic experience without having to fully experience it. I once worked with a client who was sexually abused as a child by her narcissistic father. He would call her in when she was playing outdoors with her friends, he would sexually abuse her, then send her straight out again to play. She recounted how, during the sexual abuse, she would escape out of her body, get up on top of the wardrobe and watch what was happening to the child in the bed. She referred to the child in the bed as the “bold girl”, and the child on top of the wardrobe as the “good girl. The bold girl never went outside the house, it was the good girl who went back out to play with all her friends. This defense mechanism protects the child against total annihilation of the self when their nervous system is strained to the limit. However, the long term effect of dissociation is that it may decrease the victim’s psychological functioning and adjustment. Dissociation is a crucial strategy that protects a person during a crisis, unfortunately, trauma survivors often rely too heavily on dissociation whenever they feel stressed in a situation, it can become their automatic freeze response to stress. Numbing the body is not an advantage when a person is called to live in the world, because it can impair their ability to take appropriate fight or flight responses if faced with any threat from outside the self. Of course, there are varying levels of dissociation, from day dreaming to fantasy, from leaving one’s body to derealization (the constant experience of dissociation). In the therapy room, dissociation severely diminishes the client’s ability to be present to the process, if it goes unchecked it may become a stumbling block. The therapist needs to go slowly at first, building trust and safety so as not to derail the person’s system. By explaining what dissociation is, the therapist can gently bring the client’s attention to when they are “leaving”. Taking time to build and practice new skills (in a playful way) as the go.

The sequelae of narcissistic abuse may include any of the following symptoms: low self-esteem, self-mutilation (self harming), suicidal thought, chronic pain, PTSD, depression and somatizations. Somitizations are a variety of physical symptoms that the victim may have experienced, and usually they will go to their doctor to get relief from their symptoms. Most doctor’s are unable to give a true diagnosis of what is really happening, as they can not classify the symptoms as they don’t have any identifiable physical origins. When there is no detectable organic pathology evident, the person is often diagnosed as having a “psychosomatic illnesses”. Somitizations pose a major problem to the narcissistic victim’s general health. Many of the symptoms of their ill health are a direct result of their repressed memories from their narcissistic abuse, usually from childhood. For example, a child might get severe cramps in response to the fear experienced by the narcissistic abuse, then as an adult they may wake up with cramps for no apparent reason that the doctor can find. In this case, it is more likely that they are accessing repressed memories that they are not aware of, but their unconscious is now desperate to cleanse itself. These clients with somatization disorder will typically have visited many doctors in pursuit of effective treatment, and many informed doctors do recognize that often the underlying cause is emotional, and they are then likely to refer the person on to a psychotherapist. Very often the symptoms are cured once the underlying emotional cause is identified, and the repressed memory has a chance to surface in order to be released in the safety of the therapeutic space.

Clients who have suffered narcissistic abused are likely to demonstrate feelings of shame, and humiliation, this is partly due to the narcissistic abuser projecting their shame on to them. They also tend to be over responsible, and apt to self-blame, this is because they learned to take responsible for the narcissists behaviour. Whenever the narcissist’s rage is triggered, without any doubt the victim is told it is their fault (i.e “It’s your fault, you should have known that was going to upset me, now look what you have done”) They may act inferior or powerless, and feel great guilt when talking about their perpetrator, even to the point of wanting to protect them. They will often act with disgust at themselves, thinking they are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough etc. Victims often find themselves being victimized by more than one person. They may talk of a second relationship that mirrored the same experience as with their first perpetrator. Quite often the first narcissistic injury is experienced in childhood. It may have been a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend of the victim etc. Having been re-victimized they often internalize that there is something wrong with them, and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and resign themselves to that fate. It may become apparent that they may not have reached their potential in their personal life, or their professional life, this is partly due to the fact that they always had to stand in the shadow of the aggressor, and not upstage them. They learn to live in the shadows without really knowing why. These are some of the signs you can look out for. But there are more complicated symptoms still to be revealed that will need more of a greater explanation.

In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge:

Any of these symptoms mentioned above you might find in any client, however when they present themselves in a cluster, you will start to identify a syndrome emerging. You will identify many of the symptoms of trauma (avoidance behaviour, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hypervigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc).

In the course of your work together, you may also become aware that the victim always seems to defend their abuser. While the situation would not make sense from a social standpoint, it may make absolute sense from a psychological viewpoint. What you may be witnessing is a psychological condition known as “Stockholm Syndrome“. Stockholm Syndrome involves the victim emotional bonding with their narcissistic captors, this “trauma bonding” is known to be a strategy of survival for victims of narcissistic abuse and intimidation. In such a hostile environment, the victim soon learns that their abuser does carry out threats, so they are in real danger. Threats to their physical or psychological survival terrify them, leaving them feeling lost and isolated. But then, confusingly, they can also receive small kindnesses from the abuser, which make them feel connected again, connection makes them feel safe once more. It will be important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome in order to understand why the victim still wants to support, defend, and even love the perpetrator after all that they have gone through. This is a highly unconscious sophisticated source of defense for survival that needs to be applauded. Sometimes therapists will ask the client why they stayed in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long. This is not a good thing; it also tells me that the therapist does not understand a process called “Cognitive Dissonance“.

Cognitive dissonance is another unconscious defense mechanism employed for survival. As you can imagine, living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc.), the threat of abuse is always present. Coping with these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for. For example, a woman who is abused by her narcissistic spouse will hate the conditions she is living in. However with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her narcissistic captor if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. The cognitive dissonance shows itself through rationalization: On the one hand: she abhors her unhealthy relationship and all the abuse that goes with it; while on the other hand, she tells herself that he only fights with her because he loves and cares for her. This inner dialogue reduced her anxiety, allowing her to bond with her abuser, to the point that she will even protect him from the outside world if people attempt to rescue her or encourage her to leave. The result of that is a massive draining conflict ensues between the person’s emotional self and their rational reasoning self. Their “cognitive dissonance” is a sign of the disharmony the victim is experiencing as a result of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time; i.e. the victim knows that they should get out of the abusive situation, but they also know that to do so will put them (and possibly their children) in great danger. When these two strategies are in place (Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance), the victim firmly believes that their relationship is not only acceptable, but also vital for their survival. They become so enmeshed in the relationship with the abuser, that they feel that their world (mental and emotional) would fall apart if the relationship ended. This explains why they fear those people who attempt to rescue them from their abuser, and how this creates the victim to develop cognitive dissonance and become protective of their abuser.

As you (as therapist) continue to work, another symptom you may become aware of is how the client seems to be feeling uncertain of themselves, constantly second guessing themselves, even in the smallest matters. For example, as you open the door to your client, you might find that they always check “is this the right time for our appointment?” Another thing you may pick up on is, even after discussing something with them in detail, they want further clarification that they are hearing you right. There confidence is so low that they have trouble making simple decisions. You need to be aware if this is happening, because you may be getting a glimpse of another severe symptom of narcissistic abuse called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse uses by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. Gaslighting can happen in any relationship between any gender. It merely requires two people, the gaslighter (the narcissist) and the gaslightee (the victim). The gaslighter needs to be right all the time, that is how they keep their power and sense of self in tact; while the gaslightee gives away their power to the gaslighter because they seek their approval in order to stay safe. That exchange allows the gaslighter to define the gaslightee’s sense of reality.

“The Gaslighting Tango” is one of the narcissist’s games that happen gradually over time, it is a game (or dance) that allows them to define and shape their victim’s reality by eroding them mentally. To the victim, the gaslighting starts with the stage of disbelief, i.e. something happens in the gaslighting exchange that seems odd to them, and they can’t believe that it has happened. In the next state it moves to defense, at this point the victim still has enough of their self to fight and defend themselves against the gaslighting manipulation, however they are told things each time that end up confussing them, (i.e. “You’re too sensitive”, “are you mad”, or “I never said that, you’re imagining things?”). Or the narcissist may play tricks on them, moving or hiding things, and when the victim asks them if they have moved the object, they deny it, saying they never saw it. Gradually the victim, unable to work out the game, finally begins to doubt themselves. The final stage is depression, and by now they don’t even recognize who they have become, and they feel broken and isolated. They begin to feel that they can’t do anything right any more, they don’t feel that they can trust their own mind, and they withdraw with a skewed reality of what is really taking place.

The techniques for gaslighting are powerful, mind-games; they are similar to certain forms of brainwashing, interrogation, and torture formally practiced by Central Intelligence Agencies and Religious Cults for decades. The narcissist uses gaslighting as a deliberate and cruel way to manipulate the victim into thinking that they are loosing their mind. They bombard the victim with such uncertainty that eventually they are unable to trust their own perception anymore. When they reach this state, they begin to doubt everything about their own selves, their thoughts, their opinions, their ideas, their ideals. Often they think they are loosing their minds, and they become very co-dependent on their abuser for a sense of reality.

This is a quick exploration of the complicated subject of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, and hopefully I have demonstrated the need for a therapist to have a good working knowledge of the “isms” of what Narcissist Personality Disorder entails. It is my opinion that without this knowledge the therapist would not be informed enough to be able to take the victim deep enough into their own story. They need to educate the victim about narcissistic behaviours so that they can make sense of the long painful journey they were on with their narcissist dance partner (whether it is a parent, sibling, friend, co-worker etc). Without putting these separate parts together (personal therapy and educational therapy), I fear that it would leave the victim vulnerable to future re-victimization. Many victims seem to progress from crisis to crisis, making them particularly at high risk of re-victimization. This is because the victim will continue to attract narcissists like a moth to a flame because they have been well groomed in their responses, this leaves them looking like obvious willing partners to the convoluted dance with the narcissist. Of course, this is far from the truth, because the victim is totally unconscious of there being any dance going on, they are totally oblivious to the fact that they are a partner in the dance. This ignorance leaves they open to the danger of forming another dangerous liaison and be victimized yet again.