Revealing the Narcissistic Mother:

A mature mother with normal, healthy maternal nurturing instincts is a woman who is selfless, validates and loves her children unconditionally.                            She parents her children with empathy, and attunes into their inner emotional life as she prepares them for independent living when the time comes for them to leave the nest.

A narcissistic mother, on the other hand, is the antithesis of the mother I described above.  She is a mother who, instead of nurturing her children, is self-centred and mainly focused on herself. Rather than taking care of herself, the narcissistic mother expects to be taken care of by her children.  She neither trusts her children, nor believes in their basic goodness.  She is brittle, controlling, does not observe boundaries, never apologises or remembers her inappropriate behaviour, needs to be always right, will fly into rages, and project that anger onto her children.   She frightens her children, and discourages their independence.   She needs to be the centre of attention, and is jealous if the children get attention from others.      Her children are mere objects who represent her and show her in good light, but at the same time she is envious of their accomplishments, gifts and talents.  Her punishment is inconsistent and punitive, and she often uses the threat of abandonment to control them. All of this craziness serves to confuse her children and undermine their self esteem.  Of course, to the outside world everything is perfect, but behind closed doors the child is exposed to the horror of dealing with a mother with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you are the child of a narcissistic mother, or if you are a therapist working with the adult children of a narcissistic mother, then you need to understand that you are dealing with the behaviours of a mother who acts from a different set of criteria than the regular healthy loving mother.  As you can imagine, this disordered kind of parenting creates significant emotional damage to the child.