Understanding the phenomenon of Narcissistic Supply (especially for clinicians) is critical to understanding narcissistic personality disorder, and most especially the narcissist’s behaviour with regard to their targeted victims. Like all addicts, the pathological narcissist must continually replenish their drug of choice, and their drug of choice is “Narcissistic Supply”. All their focus for gaining this supply consumes great amounts of their energy, leaving them very little for the pursuit of genuine happiness and relatedness with others.
Like any drug addict, the pathological narcissist is unable to operate at full capacity. This is because they must dedicate so much time to sourcing new supply that is vital for managing and regulating their mood disorders and self-worth. All the time, their own inner critic is judging them harshly as to whether they are achieving their aim for an endless reservoir of supply, or are they failing? The attention they receive from their supply source is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die (metaphorically speaking) because their weak, fragile ego depends on it to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem and keep their shame at bay.
The pathological narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent, which is a total self-lie. The truth is they are parasites, like a flea, that gets under the skin of their source of supply (their victims), invading every aspect of their life while sucking the lifeblood out of them. Of course, the narcissist cannot deal with the fact that they need anybody because requiring someone would imply some boundary to their power or suggest that they are incomplete in some way (inferior). Furthermore, they cannot tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their “supply” person; this only serves to enrage them.
Their narcissistic supply is there to serve the narcissist, so they try to cement their co-narcissistic victim into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. Any deviation from this position on the part of their victim will end in punishment for the transgressor. So, like the Queen Bee, the narcissist is surrounded by a hive of worker bees, all in service to their needs, which ironically make them totally co-dependent on others for their survival.
The narcissist’s pattern of behaviour is driven purely by their addiction for admiration and respect from others, getting this attention drives all their actions and deeds, and ironically, the source of that supply is not particularly important. As with all addictions, there are good and bad sources of supply, and to the narcissist, any source is better than none. However, given a choice, their first choice would be to pursue the finest sources possible.
The best source would depend on how they viewed their target. If they can get admiration from a source of supply that they find superior, then that would be even better (as they provide the highest quality oxygen, and the most satisfying). So, if they admire someone, for whatever reason, for example, their intellect, their knowledge, their wealth, their position, the circle they move in, etc., then these people would be welcome trophies to have notched up on their belt. Of course, they would only respect those people who they acknowledge as being of a higher social status than themselves anyway.
If they manage to gain admiration from a high ranking, high-status person, they will ingratiate themselves to that individual with a clear intention to extract any “greatness” they perceive that person to have. This may be by way of getting information, skills, knowledge, financial reward, etc., which they will then go on to model, as these attributes are a further source of power to the narcissist. If they can glean that which they admire in the other, then they in effect become just like the object of their desire, they are elevated (in their own eyes) to a higher social status themselves. In the meantime, they will continue to extract as much admiration for themselves from the relationship as possible; this bolsters their confidence while they model their new status to the world.
However, the narcissist knows that this honeymoon period will be short-lived, because once they have exhausted the relationship, and they get all that they wanted they will become bored. Once bored they will be unable to keep up the pretence of being a mutual caring cohort, the false integrated self they presented begins to breakdown, along with their patience to keep up their act of being an ally. Then, quite abruptly and inexplicably, they decide it is the time that it is all over, and as quick as the changing wind, the narcissist becomes cold, uninterested and devious.
The narcissist then starts their vicious attack whereby they set about devaluing the very things that had once attracted them to their victim in the first place (i.e. their innocence, amenableness, humbleness, wisdom, warm-heartedness, knowledge, energy, etc.), they now despise these qualities in them. Then, with a hardness and razor-sharpness befitting a warrior’s Samurai sword, they can instantly, metaphorically speaking, kill off their co-narcissistic victim without any remorse.
Part of the reason for wanting to kill off the individual is because, in order to con them into giving them what they want, the narcissist is required to reveal some personal things about themselves. This brings a sense of intimacy which is very unsettling to the narcissist because it makes them feel vulnerable, therefore fearful. After having, what felt like an intimate relationship, naturally, the victim is utterly confused by the sudden discarding change in behaviour toward them. Being treated in this fashion is a very personal thing to the victim. However, to the narcissist their treatment is not that personal at all, they would have reacted the same way to any other source because, to them, all sources of narcissistic supply are transposable.
Now that it has been decided that this narcissistic source of supply has reached its end, the narcissist’s behaviour becomes angry, and the exchanges become bizarre, lies and punishing behaviour ensues. Because the narcissist is unable to be truly intimate or have empathy, it would not be long before the other person realises that something is seriously very wrong with how the relationship is going. And as in any healthy relationship, the co-narcissistic victim (still believing that they are good friends), begins to fight for the relationship and challenges the narcissist as to what is happening between them. When this happens, the narcissist feels rebuffed, and unable to handle the imagined rejection and conflict, and they become even angrier.
Because they have been through this process many times before and recognises that the other person is no longer their “ideal” source of supply for admiration, so they want to quit. Also, rather than risk being rejected further, the narcissist wants to move on, so their reaction is to “reject before being rejected”. Leaving their unsuspecting victim totally confused. The more hurt and confused their victim becomes, the more the narcissist’s sadistic tendencies are rewarded. But this can be a difficult time for the narcissist, especially when they find themselves without a co-narcissist victim to lean on. That is why, before they discard one source of supply they usually have set up another source during the devaluing stage.
They do not have a psychic home of their own, so they must rely on their victims to provide a secure base for them, protect them and take responsibility for them and their needs. When there is a sudden break in their affectional bonds, they may find themselves spiralling downward into a depression, where they may even become psychotic or experience suicidal ideation. This may last until they find a new source of supply, and then it will pass. It is as if the current loss reawakens their earlier loss (with their authoritative parent or another caretaker), and this becomes another ‘narcissistic wound’, and with it, a shameful blow to their fragile ego at the core of their self.
Once again, the narcissist goes looking for a new narcissistic supply source, and if necessary, they will resort to a lower social network of victim to feed their addiction for admiration. They will not be happy that they were rebuffed by their once superior supply; they are likely to feel that having to resort to a lower status supply an insult to their inflated ego (further shame). Therefore, they rationalise that their obnoxious treatment for the victim was justified. Sometimes the feeling of hitting “rock bottom” makes the narcissist put a stop on their narcissistic pattern, but it is only likely to be a temporary stay of humility until they recover. Then once someone walks into their sights that interest them, their crazy spiral cycle is likely to begin all over again.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Hi Christine,
Thanks for all you do. I recently read something on narcs that really hit home. It was how being a victim of narcs can cause brain fog. When you are kept in stress/tension constantly you can’t sleep, wake up in the middle of the night, can’t go back to sleep and ruminate on how to fix the problem. And that’s after spending time figuring out what the problem is. Consequently, you are tired all the time and have brain fog.
The brain fog causes you to be susceptible to more abuse from new narcs and the cycle goes on and on. You literally can’t “think straight” anymore. For me the thing that has helped me is to spend lots of time alone and think back on things. The more I get good sleep, the clearer my thinking is.
The minute I smell a narc, I’m gone. I’m alone a lot and don’t have many friends or social life, but it’s better than putting up with narcs in my life. They are deadly deceptive and evil. The Bible tells us a lot about wolves in sheep’s clothing. Got to protect yourself.
Hi Joy, In most countries”Stalking” is a crime. Have you tried talking to the police or someone like Woman’s Aid? It sounds like you need help and support. This is no way to live your life. Get help as soon as you can.
Christine,
What can I do if I am the supply of too many narcissistic people that I am constantly fatigued as an empath? I have a group of stalkers who torture my adult children and I because we are mostly empaths. This article from today’s newsletter hit me in the chest because each of them wants me “dead” in some way and seem to have decided I should commit suicide to soothe ego. While I never once had a real suicide attempt, at least one stalker has followed me and “destroyed” my life since 1988 break-up. I do not even talk to these people face to face or on the phone. Giving up social media did not stop their obsession, but helped them do more to cause public humiliation with fake profiles.
Help. I am 50 and I want to be able to enjoy what little time I have left before illness from constant trauma takes my life away. I lost enough to them. What can you suggest for me?
Christine I am 68 yo and have lived alone for the past 18 yrs. My young years were spent through 3 marriages, all narcissistic men. I too am an empath which I did not recognize until I read your information. My daughter was sexually abused by my last husband and it almost destroyed both of us. Thank God she is a strong woman now with girls of her own. I survive with alot of guilt and shame from those years. I am so grateful I did I not bring more children into this world from those relationships. I now understand and recognize my vulnerability in those young naive years. Thank you for making this information available and so understandable! Even at this time in my life it is really enlightening to understand where and possibly why I hooked up with these people. I just kept trying to get it right. Any way I intend to kee p reading and learning here! I have two beautiful granddaughters that may need this information one of these days.
It is a frightening thing to consider: what if the therapist we go to is himself a narcissist? As the counselling room is a place where the high possibility/ probability, dependant on the integrity of the therapist, of a power imbalance may occur, could this place not be a feeding ground for the power hungry narcissist?
I would suggest that you get yourself a therapist. Together you can work on getting an “exit plan” together that would work for you. It may take a little time (depending on your own finances, etc), and learn how to protect yourself while living there. Usually victims have become very isolated, that is something I would recommend working on….. getting back in touch with people, family, etc so that you have good supports around you. It takes courage and planning to get out of such a relationship, but it can be done in most cases. Christine
I am married to a narcissist for 34 years. Everyone’s comments hit home with me. I am so exhausted with the cold treatment I cannot escape. I’m frozen I time. Lonely. Ashamed, hopelessness. How do I escape this shit hole I am living, actually it’s not living I die more everyday. I am exhausted.
Hi Christine,
I started reading your first book on NPD while I was still enmeshed in my relationship with a covert, soma narcissist. I am now free of him with the help of therapy using EMDR. It took me four and a half years but I did it! 🙂 Your book and newsletter along with other books and watching Youtube videos on narcissism really helped me deal with and understand why I kept getting involved with narcs. I learned in my studies to recognize that my father is a covert cerebral narc and that that was the reason why I kept falling for them. I was trying to heal the original wounds of a childhood with my narc dad and my flying monkey mother! I knew that I was in the relationship with my former narc for a reason and that reason was to finally recognize what was happening to me and why and to finally heal myself. I knew that I would meet him but I didn’t know why I was going to meet him. I know it all now and I told him early on that he was a lesson for me and that when I learned the lesson, whatever it was, that I would leave him. I don’t think he believed me…
Thank you for all you do for us survivors 🙂
Exactly my experience for 27 years. You’ve got this down to a science. God bless the day I found your articles and actually researched the term narcissist. Heard the term several times and thought I knew what it meant. So wrong. Dug deeper and with your help I got my freedom and was able to move on. Too bad the narcissist will never understand that there are actually sick and that there is no cure for them. My new motto is “co-defendant no more.”
That was eye opening and right on target to what I experienced. Early on in the relationship I came across Narcissism and read and studied. Because I was in love it took awhile to finally come to a place where I was ready to discard him when I started to see him just starting to devalue me.He was blindsided by his own discard. Thank you Christine for all your great knowledge. I will be purchasing your new book. Thank you for your emails……YOU Rock
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I understand when you say you are so confused as to why you allowed it to happen again and again. I was doing the same thing. I’m an empath also, and my theory is that we sympathize and feel compassion for the person who went through the abuse…I can sometimes see the hurt little boy he must’ve been and my heart aches for that child. And I always have faith in people.
I wish you luck in your dilemma. I pray things work out good for you.
I totally agree with the psychological test idea. Lol. I grew up with a narcissistic father. I didn’t know it though until I was in a relationship with someone that has NPD. What a nightmare!!!
Hi Christine
I am so very grateful to you. I now know I’m not ‘crazy’ as I was led to believe, and had actually started questioning my own judgement. But the behavior!!! It was/is unbelievable! When it first started I actually thought he was kidding…and I laughed. Oh boy!
When I first read about the devalue and discard stage I thought to myself, ‘he wouldn’t treat me like that’. As you know, and I do too, now, how devastatingly wrong and naive my thinking was. Even now,after knowing for two years that he has NPD, I sometimes believe what he’s telling me. I’m not a stupid woman by any means. I just have an extremely hard time believing someone that claims to love me could treat me that way. I can’t seem to wrap my head around that. And I am devastated every time. Apparently I don’t learn very quickly.
I’m pretty sure I read somewhere on one of your blogs a list of law enforcement and/or attorneys for each state who are familiar with the disorder…If it was, would you please give me a list for Arizona? I find myself in need of both.
I’m so sorry for the heartache and horror you went through with your relationship. I am so, so grateful and thankful to you for helping the rest of us. You are a blessing!
Yours Sincerely, Monica
I dont like conflict…and ending things in conflict…this was my spiral to depths i cannot dissovle as this *dance* with narcissist for year off and on has completely consumed and ruined in me and my life …the person i once was. And still an empath i never needed not one thing all but to be once in awhile appreciated. I get punished…not in physical…but torture in mind games that what i do i expect reciprocated affection which angers him…therefor punishes me by ignoring me. I been tortured mentally and emotionally…but at times outsmart as well and also detach to regain some senses to then again allow it back and yes it falls into same o very quickly. I still feel empathy to how this person became this hard…and I have over compensated to open channels receptors of beautiful unconditional nurturing and love…he laps it up…and is cold in all ways back to me…so why do i keep allowing…what is my source gain…i am so confused i cant make sense of why i allow it again and again
Dear Ms. Christine,
I cannot believe I am saying this, but I am actually starting to feel sorry for Ns. What an exhausting lifestyle. When I was young, I could not understand why strangers on the street seemed more important to my mother than I ever did. She was always on the hunt for fresh supply. People should have to pass a psychological before having children.
Always enjoy your e-mails.
Kind regards,
Kathy
I see the valuation / devaluation process of narcisstic supply slightly different than you described. As narcissistic supply, the more one gives and the better able one is to anticipate the needs of the narcissist the more dissatisfied the narcissist becomes because it proves how weak, pathetic, and inferior the object of narcissistic supply is and as such reduces the ‘shine’ or pride the narcissist takes in controlling, manipulating, and deceiving the narcissistic supply. This starts the devaluation stage, until the supply object fights back, stands their ground, or leaves which then causes the person to be worthy as narcissistic supply again which begins again the valuation process.
Hello
I have been married to a Narcissistic personality for 10 years. The first few yrs of our married he basically distroyed me mentally and threaten me a few times physically. And yes I was totally confused and bewildered. A very good friend of my that interacted with us both starting sending information about Narcissistic personality…As well as something else that started with ego….Well I subscribed to your web site and have been receiving information off and on. Last week I ordered your book and read it all in one day…lol I have slowly started talking to hubby about his behavior because he has admitted to me that he has a problem but doesnt know why…We have discussed his childhood as well as mine…And it makes perfectly good sense why we were attacked to each other. We both had narcissistic mothers…However I became the giver from my childhood and he became the taker…So here we are…I’m still in hope mood because my hubby is a pastor…but then again that is part of all of this…But I am so thankful that I have your information to help me understand all of this…and in a way now and can manage to get around his behavior sometimes. However I still serve him as his wife any many ways but within the last two month I just can not make love to him due to his coldness afterwards…But anyway I go on and on with this…But I feel so bless to have this understand of what is going on now…Thanks so much Frederica
Hello Christine,
I thought I was the “only one” to experience rejection early on in the marriage. I thought I must have imagined his harsh treatment on our wedding night. A quick, wam-bam, thank you mam, was my experience of our wedding night. Then, years later, I met a woman, married to another narc, who was on a cruise for her honeymoon, and spent the night in their stateroom, alone. Her new husband stayed in the bar and got drunk with his friends and family members. Losers, one and all.