What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in “Gaslighting” by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement and other forces for decades.
Gaslighting Abuse
That is why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the narcissistic victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.
Where does the term “Gaslighting” come from?
The term “Gaslighting” comes from the 1944 Hollywood classic movie called Gaslight. The film starts with the murder of the famous opera singer Alice Alquist in London. The perpetrator was after the star’s jewels, but before he could get them, he was interrupted by her young niece Paula (played by Ingrid Bergman); a child that Alice had reared after the death of her own mother. To help her get over the trauma of Alice’s death, Paula is sent to live in Italy, where she studies opera with her aunty Alice’s old teacher for several years. While in Italy, she meets a charismatic older man named Gregory Anton (played by Charles Boyer), they have a whirl-wind romance and very soon she marries him. He persuades her that they should return to London to live in the house bequeathed to her by her aunt.
When they arrive, hidden in a book, Paula finds a letter addressed to her aunt Alice, it was from a man called Sergius Bauer. The letter was dated two days before the murder. Gregory reacts violently to the letter, but recovers his composure quickly, and justifies his outburst as vexation at seeing his lovely bride relive bad memories. Once Alice’s things are removed into the attic, Gregory’s diabolical psychopathic behaviour becomes very bizarre indeed. Almost immediately he sets out, systematically and methodically, to deliberately drive Paula insane by psychologically manipulating their environment covertly; for example, when a picture is missing from the wall, Gregory tells her that she took it, but Paula cannot recall having done so.
Secretly, Gregory gains entry into the attic and begins to tamper with the gas-light there, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to become dim. When Paula mentions hearing footsteps coming from the attic, and seeing the lights dimming for no apparent reason, he tells her it’s all in her imagination, and that he does not see any change in the brightness of the lights. He does not stop there; he resorts to other means of deception to further confuse his wife. For example, he fires his wife’s trusted elderly maid, replacing her with a younger one (Nancy) that he can seductively control. When Paula complains of feeling hurt and humiliated by his behaviour with Nancy, he tells her he is only being friendly. He states that in Europe no woman would feel humiliated for such a trivial act. Convinced that the wife is insane, Nancy begins to treat her with contempt, and Paula can feel her loathing, which further distresses her. He then takes command of all outside influences so that he has complete control over Paula, making it easier to manipulate her sense of reality. Of course, he pretends to have genuine concern for Paula, but the bottom-line is that he is only concerned about isolating her.
Having isolated her from those within the house, he then precedes to take command of all outside influences so that he has complete coercive control over her. He stops all visitors, and he does not allow her to leave the house. He implies that he is doing this for her own good, because her “kleptomania and imaginings” are due to her nervous disposition. On the rare occasion when they do go to a gathering at a friend’s house, he shows her his watch chain, from which his watch was missing. When he searches her handbag, he mysteriously finds it there. Horrified, she becomes so hysterical that Gregory has to take her home immediately. She is convinced that there is something very wrong with her, and that it is best that she no longer goes out in public. Gregory’s overall goal is to drive Paula out of her mind so that he can have her certified insane and institutionalized. He continually tells her that she is ill and fragile, until confused and scared, Paula begins to act more erratically, and she starts to internalize that she is becoming the fragile person that he says she is. He even begins to rearrange items in the house, and then he accuses her of “always losing things”. Cruelly, he tells her that she is losing her memory. Knowing that her mother had died insane, to demoralize her further by viciously convincing her that she has inherited her mother’s bad genes. The more she doubts herself, the more desperate she is for her husband’s approval and love, but he rejects her, insisting that she is insane. With a combination of seduction, deception, isolation, bullying and rejection, reluctantly Paula starts to accept that she is losing her mind, and she becomes totally dependent on him for her sense of reality.
Unbeknown to Paula, Gregory is not who she thinks he is, little does she know that in fact he is her aunt’s murderer, Sergius Bauer. It was no coincidence that he happened upon her in Italy. He had deliberately gone to search her out with the intention of seducing her into marrying him. His main objective was to gain entry into the house in London where he could continue his search for Alice’s jewels. It was his rummaging in the attic for the jewels that Paula had heard, and it was he that had caused the flickering of the lights (from the attic) when he reduced the flow of gas to the downstairs lights. She had become an impediment to his search, so he needed her certified insane and institutionalized so that he could be free to find his treasure. He came very near to realizing his goal, but by some chance encounter Paula meets Inspector Brian Cameron of Scotland Yard (acted by Joseph Cotten), who was an avid admirer of her Aunt Alice. He tells her that she is not going out of her mind, but that she is beings slowly and systematically been driven out of your mind by her husband. Together with Paula, and with the support of the old housekeeper (who had suspected the master of causing these events), he opens the “cold case”. The drama reaches its final conclusion when he arrests Gregory just as he has found his treasure of the long-lost jewels.
What is the purpose of “gaslighting”?
As you can see, this “Gaslighting Tango” is a form of psychological warfare that is both deliberate and progressive in nature between one individual (the gaslighter) and another (the gaslightee). The Gaslighting Effect involves an insidious set of psychological manipulations that are carried out gradually in stages, and repeated time after time, in order to undermine the mental stability of its victim. It is truly a convoluted dance, where finally the unsuspecting gaslightee believes that they are going crazy. Anyone can become the victim of narcissistic abuse with these gaslighting maneuvers; age, intelligence, gender, creed is no barrier against narcissistic abuse of this kind. It does not only happen in romantic relationships (such as Paula & Gregory above), it can occur in all different types of relationships: between narcissistic parent and child, siblings, friends, and work colleague.
Just as we can have male narcissists gaslighting, but we can also have female narcissist gaslighting (i.e. gaslighting mothers, grandmothers and wives). Actually, it can happen between any two people in any walk of life if the intention is there. The gaslighting, as a harassment technique, starts with a series of subtle mind games that intentionally prays on the gaslightee’s limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. This is done in order to undercut the victim’s trust in their own sense of reality and sense of self, thus resulting in confusion and perplexity for the victim. Even when the victim is bewildered and left wondering, “What just happened there?”, there is a reluctance to see the gaslighter for what they are, actually it is this denial that is the cornerstone of the gaslighting relationship.
The “Puppet Master’s” Web of Deceit:
Narcissists are puppet masters who manipulate their victims for personal gain. With precision they are able to “pull the strings” of their victims without detection, and render them helpless. In order to understand how a person can become a victim of a narcissist in the first place, it is important to know that the narcissist has many faces (the proverbial man or woman for all seasons). Different faces are required by the abuser as they lead the relationship through different phases; The Idealization Stage, Devaluation Stage, and the Discard Stage. The good news is that the gaslighting does not happen all at once, it happens in stages, which means that if one suspects (in the early stages) that they are being gaslighted, they can protect themselves by walking away (physically or metaphorically). However, one needs to be informed as to what those stages look like, in that way, the individual will be able to understand and identify what is happening at these different stages. With this information, one will be able to spot if they are being gaslighted in any interpersonal-relationship (whether it is at home, work or socially), and guard themselves by keeping the narcissist out of their energy field.
Gaslighing techniques (3 Stages):
The Idealization Stage:
During the initial “idealization stage”, the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mould their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply. In the beginning of the relationship the narcissist showers the victim with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic, exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every moment with their new charismatic partner. They love how the narcissist is so beautifully intense and how they get drunk on life, and they too want to drink this elixir with them. Intense bonding begins for the victim, and innocently, they also believe that the partner feels the same way about them, that the relationship is reciprocal, but this is the narcissist’s biggest deception. Caught up in this alluring state of euphoria, the victim becomes “hooked” by the gaslighter’s exuberance and grandiose exaggerations. In this kind of relationship, victims are known to experience biochemical changes in the body and structural changes in the brain. These exciting hooks create a release of chemicals (endorphins) in the brain, and it is these endorphins (or pleasure substances) that make the victim feel the euphoria in the first phase of the relationship. Like any addict, they become addicted to that high, and very soon they find themselves hooked emotionally to their narcissistic suitor too. However, this honeymoon phase is only an illusion, all smoke and mirrors. Having expertly determined the victim’s strengths and weaknesses, the “Idealization Phase” is over, and it is time for the devaluation stage of the gaslighting to begin. From here on in, the narcissist seems to turn cold, unfeeling, and even bitingly cruel.
The Devaluation Stage:
The relationship has now shifted into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a state of constant chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy is directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when the narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour, the victim works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe. Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown into strong withdrawal symptoms. They are distraught with anxiety, turned inside out with confusion, and bereft of what they thought they had, a soul-mate. In order to cope with the pain of this deep wound of abandonment and rejection, they escape into a range of unconscious defense mechanisms (a mix of denial, rationalization, infantile regressive patterns, cogntive dissonance, trauma bonding etc.). Alone and isolated from the real world, these behaviours become their only way of surviving the narcissistic abuse, and the gaslighting they are now experiencing. No matter what they do, they only seem to create narcissistic injury to this stranger, and each time they do that, they inadvertently release an almighty rage down upon themselves (without even knowing how they are doing it). By merely engaging in these survival tactics, the victim becomes the hostage that is overly dependent on their captive (Stockholm Syndrome), where unpredictability and uncertainty is the order of their day. As a result, they are now caught in the macabre dance with the narcissist’s pathological grandiose self, where hell reigns supreme, and they regress into infantile regressive patterns of behaviour (Regressed Infantilism). At this stage they are most likely suffering the effects of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS), where they are reduced to a shadow of their former self. Finally they are at the mercy of the whims and pleasures of their “puppet master”. Recovering from gaslighting takes the longest time, as it does the deepest damage to each victim.
The narcissist despises who their supply person has become; they view them as powerless, inferior and worthless victims, but at the same time, their worthless prey is providing them with a bountiful amount of narcissistic supply. Therein lays the paradox; the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more important and powerful the abuser gets to feel. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal and physical violent becomes. This “pull-push” scenario leaves the narcissist acting in a way that says, “I hate you, but don’t you dare leave me or I will kill you”. They will react to any perceived movement away from them as a threat to their narcissistic supply, therefore, any show of self-determination by the victim will surely be devalued. The narcissist is merciless in the way they devalue the victim. Devaluation of the victim can be delivered through many different forms and levels of attack; through victims own attachment needs, their intellectual capabilities, physical body, sexuality, creativity etc. By this time, like Pavlov’s dogs, the victim has been conditioned, and appears to the outside world that they are willing partners in the narcissists “convoluted dance”. Even if they do manage to escape from that narcissistic individual, they are at high risk of future re-victimization and entrapment with other narcissists, because they are primed in a way that other narcissists can spot.
The Discarding Phase:
In this phase, the game comes to its final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the narcissist resists all attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness, and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of narcissistic supply.
The plight of the victims of the Gaslighting Effect:
During the process of gaslighting, the victim will find themselves going through emotional and psychological states of mind. In her wonderful book, The Gaslighting Effect, Robin Stern, Ph.D. speaks of three stages the victim will go through: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression, she also goes on to flags down warning signs for recognizing when one is being gaslighted. I would like to expand a little on her analysis.
Disbelief:
Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse used by the narcissistic gaslighter to manipulate the innocent victim (gaslightee). The effects of gaslighting are so insidious, that they can lead to the victim losing all trust in their own judgment and reality. The victim’s initial reaction to the gaslighting behaviour is one of utter disbelief; they cannot believe the sudden change towards them, or indeed the fact that they are being gaslighted in the first place. All they know is that something terribly odd seems to be happening in the relationship, but they cannot figure out what it is that is happening. Of course, this is precisely what the abuser wants, after all, it would not work if the victim knew what was happening. The methods used by the narcissist in the initial idealization stage of the relationship progresses in such a way that it virtually guarantees that the victim will become hooked utterly and completely to their narcissistic abuser. Blinded by their love after been totally seduced, the victim naturally, trusts genuinely that their love is reciprocated, but of course, this is untrue, a total fabrication. Where once the abuser’s communication with the victim had been accessible and stayed within the relationship, it has now become blocking and diverting. All they know is that where the narcissist had once held them in “good heart”, they have now become highly critical of them. The sympathy and support that had been available has now turned to disdain and antagonism. Whenever the victim (gaslightee) wants to reasonably discuss what is happening in the relationship, they are met with silence, or worse, they find that everything that is being said is twisted or trivialized.
It is important to realize that the gaslighting does not need to be severe in order to have severe consequences on the victim; it can be as subtle as being told that “you are so sensitive”, or that they should not do something because “you are not able to do it, leave it to me”. Even though the victim can rationalize that these statements are untrue, gradually their confidence is being eroded away to such an extent that they cannot trust themselves. Gaslighting strokes, such as moving items from place to place, and then the abuser denying that they had moved the item really creates huge confusion to the victim. Or saying something, then later denying that they had said such a thing. All of this psychological warfare has the effect of making the victim doubt their own memory or perception of events. Desperate for the gaslighter’s approval and reassurance that they are not going mad, the victim becomes very dependent on their narcissistic abuser for a sense of reality.
Defense:
At this stage the victim still has enough of their self to fight and defend themselves against the gaslighting manipulation. However, the narcissist’s “gaslighting” is beginning to do what it is intended to do, that is, to throw the victim off balance by creating self-doubt, angst, turmoil, and guilt. This emotional damage causes the victim, over time, to lose their sense of reality, and sense of self. Becoming lost, confused, and unable to trust their own instincts and memory, they tend to isolate themselves somewhat because of the shame they feel. Before long their psychic energy becomes depleted, and they are left unable to defend themselves from the horrendous gaslighting effect. At this stage the person’s whole system may feel that it is in danger of annihilation.
From birth, nature builds in unconscious defense mechanisms and adaptive behaviours in order to protect the child from annihilation from early trauma, and these same defenses remain throughout life when ever we are vulnerable to highly stressful experiences that threaten us with annihilation. When the child starts life, they experience the world as a frightening place, so in order to reduce their fear they need to form an emotional bond with somebody in order to reduce their stress and anxiety. They identify and bond with their main caregiver (usually the Mother), and of course, they are very likely, at some time in the future, to experience her as their first aggressor. Mother can be experienced by the child as being both “threatening and kind”, and this seems to lead to the child turning to emotional bonding for survival.
This psychological condition is known to-day as “Stockholm Syndrome”. It is found to happen universally in situations where people find themselves to be held captive and in fear of their lives; as in kidnapping, hostage situations, and narcissistic abuse. This phenomenon of trauma bonding with the narcissist aggressor can be found in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. In Stockholm Syndrome, the victim adapts to the traumatic situation by unconsciously going into an regressive mode, where they return to childish infantile patterns of behaviour (Regressed Infantilism), and bond with their captor as they did with their mother earlier in life as a defense against annihilation. In order to cope with the discomfort of living within such madness, the victims motivational drive provides a way that they can rationalize to reduce the dissonance they are experiencing (Cognitive Dissonance). For the therapist to understand the dynamics of all these defense mechanisms, they will then be able to appreciate why victims stay in these narcissistic abusive relationships, as it is a clever, but complicated unconscious self survival strategy. Unfortunately, these survival strategies can lead to some victim’s developing mental health problems.
Depression:
By this stage the victim can hardly recognize themselves, they are quickly becoming a shadow of their former self. Living under tyranny within a war zone where they are controlled, physically and emotionally battered, unable to make decisions, subjected to constant rages, sucked dry, stripped of dignity and safety, they exist in a joyless life. They begin to feel that they can’t do anything right any more, they don’t feel that they can trust their own mind, and they withdraw with a skewed reality of what is really taking place. They escape into depression. Many victims will also go on to experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The diagnosis of PDSD can be made based on certain symptoms being present, and these symptoms fall into three categories:
1. Reliving: (Flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety etc) 2. Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places or thoughts, emotional numbing, lack of interest, hopelessness etc). 3. Arousal: (Difficulty concentrating, irritability, outbursts of anger, insomnia, hyper-vigilance etc).
In my work with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome I have noticed that the victims were brought to the place of annihilation and death on many levels of the self while experiencing gaslighting behaviour in their narcissistic relationships. When we take on the journey of recovery together, I take care and time to educate the individual as to what was happening to them as their story unfolds. I am always met with an array of responses, from shock, disbelief, profound sadness, guilt, shame, anger, fear, reflection, loneliness and an array of physical symptoms, (panic attacks, flashbacks, anxious negative thoughts, fatigue, eating disorders, dissociation, abreaction etc.). But they also express relief at finally knowing what had been going on in the relationship, and the amount of “losses” they were dealing with. I think many of the stages are very similar to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross stages of grief, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. But still, I find that the individual holds the key to even more strategies for guarding the various levels of defense that I have mentioned here.
I am always amazed at how surprisingly resilient these victims are. All our strategies for surviving are incredibly intelligent, and together (the client and I) welcome each and every one as a teacher for our learning and understanding. When this happens, it allows for all the fragmented parts of the soul to return home where they become like special guests at a glorious Banquet, one unifying whole sitting at the Table of Recovery. When a therapist experiences this work they will truly appreciate and understand the deep suffering these victims have gone through daily. The fact that these clients have survived the torturous effects of the disorganized narcissistic personality disorder is in itself a miracle, and a testament to the human spirit.
Robin Stern names some of the warning signs of the effects of Gaslighting, I am merely expanding on some of these below:
What are the warning signs of Gaslighting?
• Second-guessing: Because a victim has had their confidence eroded by the constant gaslighting, they live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making their situation even more dangerous for themselves. They invariably find themselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess themselves. This often effects how they problem-solve, and make decisions in their life.
• Asking “Am I too sensitive?”: Projection and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting, and the victim become hyper-sensitive to the constant humiliation of their abuser. They hear countless times that they are “too sensitive”, that they soon begin to believe the lies. As a result they look for approval before doing anything, fearful that they will make more mistakes that will end in more humiliation. This form of gaslighting makes the victim doubt everything about themselves, so they constantly ask, “Am I being too sensitive”.
• Apologizing: Living with the narcissistic Dr. Jekyll and Mr/s Hyde, the victim finds themselves always apologizing for “never doing things right”, they even apologize for their very existence; it is a way of avoiding more conflict with their aggressor. Apology is not just something the victim does to be polite; it is a powerful strategy for staying safe while in the war zone, and a means to disarm the anger of the gaslighter. Most importantly, the power of apology is that it can take the shame off the narcissist and redirect it towards the victim, therefore avoiding some of the narcissists rage.
• Lack joy and happiness in life (melancholy): If one lives under the constant tyranny of the gaslighting narcissist, they can expect extremes of lethal hostility. Many victims go through physical and mental torture that can cause them to suffer a personality change, leaving them feeling confused, lonely, frightened and unhappy. Often they continue to carry this melancholy even after they escape from the abuser.
• Withholding information from others: Victims experience great shame about their situation; they get tired of trying to cover up their abuse as they go along. When well meaning friends and family members tell them they are being abused, they avoid the subject, and soon they learn to withhold giving more information in order to avoid further conflict. The importance of shame in narcissistic abuse is a difficult issue, but I don’t think it is too difficult to accept that the crimes of the gaslighting narcissist stigmatize the victim to their very core. Their shame is a normal response to the social failure they so often feel as a result of their abuse (i.e. the shame of being unable to protect themselves from their abuse). This shame can be seen as defensiveness and withdrawal by others. The relationship between shame and social supports is too complex to deal with here.
• Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what: The goal of gaslighting is to control and influence the reality of the gaslightee. It only works when the victim is unaware of what is really happening. The more the victim doubts their own reality or competence, the more dependent they become of the abuser. It is a vicious circle of events that is totally confusing to the victim, and that is exactly what the gaslighter wants.
• Trouble making simple decisions: To be caught in the narcissistic web of deception and illusion is the equivalent to being a fly trapped in the spider’s web. When entering the web, does the victim know that it is about to be bound up and eaten alive any more than the fly? The answer is “no”. However, the narcissistic web is akin to the disintegration of the self; the victim, under the threat of continual danger, forms a psychic bond with the abuser in order to avoid fragmentation of the self. In forming that bond they are compelled to organize themselves around their idealized abuser’s desires, and surrender their authentic potential: Having to ask permission to do anything, not being aloud to have their own opinion, never allowed to win the argument, constantly being chastised and humiliated, compromising their own thoughts, values, needs, and belief. Understandably, caught in this web they lose all autonomy, even their ability to make decisions for their own self.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed: In order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the “the narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing. This becomes part of their way of being, a great “pleaser” with everybody. Unless this unconscious dance is exposed in therapy, and the victim educated about narcissistic behavior, they are actually left vulnerable to becoming Narcissistic Supply yet again. The reason is that they are conditioned (like Pavlov’s dogs) in a way that makes them a target for other hungry narcissists, who are always on the hunt for new supply, and are quick to spot those primed already.
• You feel hopeless and joyless: What had once seemed like heaven has now turned into a hell. There is no peace or joy in this place, just fear and suppression. Life loses all hope, as if the light has been turned off. All that remains is the deep black cloud of depression. And the victim is forced to live in a state of acquiescence in order to survive. Their perceptions of reality are continually undermined by the gaslighting sham, so they end up losing confidence in their intuition, memory, or reasoning powers. They are spun lies, lies that tell them that they are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, over-reacting, and that they have no right to be upset. Hearing this time and time again, their reality is turned inside out, and they begin to believe that this may all be true.
The narcissist’s form of psychological abuse and abusive behaviours has managed to instill in their victim an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. In this state they are truly a hostage. However, many manage to get the courage to break free, but this is usually after several painful attempts. But when they do finally escape, in time they may find their way to your therapy room. Your job is to not just do the recovery work with them, but also to educate them about the traits and effects of narcissistic abuse. That way you give them back their reality and power, and they will be in a position to be able to recognize the narcissist at work, and be equipt to guard themselves against further re-victimization. Don’t underestimate the power of recovery of these people; the fact that they have survived such extreme abuse is testament to their strength and determination. I never fail to be amazed at the resilience of the human spirit.
To Breezy: It’s difficult to provide a definitive answer without more information about your personal history and experiences. However, I can suggest a few possibilities based on the information you’ve provided.
First, it’s possible that you experienced a “dissociative episode” during which you unconsciously wrote the journal entry in cursive. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that can occur in response to trauma, and it can involve feeling detached from one’s own thoughts, feelings, and actions. It can feel like being detached from your body or feeling like the world around you is unreal. It’s possible that the stress and anxiety of your situation with your husband has caused you to dissociate, and that the cursive writing is a manifestation of this dissociation.
Another possibility is that you experienced a brief episode of what’s known as “automatic writing.” Automatic writing is a phenomenon in which a person writes or draws without consciously controlling their hand movements. It’s sometimes associated with spiritualism or mediumship, but it can also occur in more mundane contexts. If you were feeling particularly stressed or anxious at the time you wrote the journal entry, it’s possible that your unconscious mind took over and produced the cursive writing without your conscious awareness.
It’s also possible that your daughter is correct, and that you have “regressed” to a previous stage of development in which you were more comfortable writing in cursive. Regression can be a way of coping with stress or anxiety, and it’s not uncommon for people to revert to earlier patterns of behavior or thought in times of stress.
In any case, it’s important to take care of yourself and seek support if you’re feeling overwhelmed or confused. You may want to consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who can help you process your experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. It’s also important to remember that you are not alone, and that many people have gone through similar experiences.
Thank you for spending the time writing this. I thought I knew a lot, but you hit the nail on the head about things that I hadn’t even noticed. I’ve known what he is for years, but it’s been worse and more often lately. I try to keep notes on our conversations, and record them when possible (God forbid I get caught). Something happened last week that caused me to do more research. I will share. A conversation happened that left me confused and doubting myself, I quickly left our bedroom and went downstairs to the guestroom. I pulled out my journal and wrote the conversation verbatim. I remember heading down to write what happened, but don’t remember physically writing it. I completely forgot about it. I found the entry. It’s dated April 11th, and today is April 17th. I’m 44 years old and haven’t written cursive in probably 30 years. I don’t think I even can anymore. Strange thing is, 75% of my journal entry is in perfect cursive. I talked to my teenage daughter, as she’s fully aware of what goes on because she has eyes and ears. She suggested maybe I regressed. I don’t actually remember writing it, but I know I did. I would love some advice from someone with your credentials. What’s happening to me?
I lost my husband several years ago. He was a good man. Last year I met a fellow who is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. He was up front with this and he is older and has been sober for many years. Physically. He appeared to be a good man and after about a year he asked be if I would consider he and I living together. I gave it some thought for about three months and even discussed it with my daughters. I am 72 and they are in their fifties. I decided why not? He was a good guy. He suggested we marry after a couple of years. and I though why not? After about six months I realized that he had incredible anger issues. Screaming and yelling in my face with spittle flying everywhere over nothing. I mean nothing. I decided to change a recipe, or I questioned whether a lady we met had been an intimate partner. Big big mistake. Screamed in my face that I was evil, a effn b…h, a cnt. I was overwhelmed and speechless. I left the house so that he could cool down. I had never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I own a house and it has no mortgage on it and after we decided to do this I hired management company to care for the house and am leasing it for income. I changed my life for this man, bought him clothes, did a major rehab on his home installed a whole house water purifying system, painted, laid new floors with him, poured a new driveway. You name it. I did it. Even the vet bills for his animals. I went all in. Now I know that I have to leave as soon as possible and that takes time if you have your house leased or rented. These are people who are living in my house and they have a life. Honestly is there another definition for a person like this?
Ann Marie, you ask, “is it possible for a daughter to gaslight her mother?” The answer is “Yes, absolutely”, in fact, anybody can gaslight you. The best thing to do is to try to put down boundaries with a narcissist, if you can. When you criticise them, they cannot handle that. They want to think that they are perfect, and when you criticise them it makes them feel less than perfect. They are then likely to feel rejected and abandoned by you in that moment, and that shames them. If you shame a narcissist you send them into a rage….. then they are likely to want to punish you.
Is it possible for a daughter to gasiight her mother? I told my youngest daughter 35 years old, I thought she was gaslighting me. I have felt for a long time her behavior was narsistic. I don’t know what the best thing to do. I think I may have to stay away from her. We have been apart since I told her my thoughts. I feel very bad and miss her. A few months. I was not unkind just expressed my thoughts and feelings. i miss her but not the emotions. She has not tried to contact me either. I sent Easter flowers, no “thank you”
I thought that I am immune to narcs. I found them fascinating, so I read a lot about them. Already had a couple of months of consuming narcissism-related media so I thought I was ready to take on the world and never fall victim to one.
A couple of months later, I have married a narcissist. Now, 4.5 years later we’re in a messy divorce as she was trying to get me committed for how I react to her abuse. When that failed, she turned her gaslighting into overdrive, making a very obvious mistake in trying to convince me that some events from 2 hours ago went on differently than I remember. I knew with a high degree of certainty what really happened, so I called her out. Lo and behind, she tried to get me evicted out of my own house with a restraining order. Managed to get access into my own house with the help of the Police so the restraining order came on the address of a common friend, current flying monkey. Got back into my house, the friend took her in. She believes her bogus charges against me, that I’m beating her, it’s why she got the restraining order.
Oh, and all she had were some bruises on arms that were likely from being drunk and/or arrested by police a week prior or so when I called them.
Threw all her shit into the street, told her at what hour to be there to pick it up. She came together with police because she is “afraid” of me. Whatever, at least it wasn’t such a shock and I know exactly what was going on. Waiting for my divorce date.
Hi my granddaughter 9 is being gaslighted by her new stepdad malignant NARCISSIST’S and her mother (my stepdaughter) is his enabler turned her back on her own daughter. I am the grandparent and he has cut off all communication to her , I’ve witnessed his abuse and even was abused by him yet nobody will help me help her. CPS DID NOTHING! It’s been 52 days no contact at all I feel everyday could be her last. Please if you have any advice to help before it’s to late please let me know. He’s killing her .
Dealing with psychotic games of someone who wants to micro-manage your life with a mad scientist experiment and play Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hide with you, is pulling the wool over your eyes and is hiding something from you. Confusion is a tool for manipulators and they create it, to throw the victim off. Check your family affairs and make sure to take note of resources and protect your family life and communication. When you have one Gas Lightning be prepared to fight more attacks of abuse, tricks, and deception. They usually have planned a series of events to throw you off and cause confusion. It’s hard to get away from the attacker because they usually don’t let up easy because they are being deceitful about something. Theirs many ways people can plant the seed but attacking someone’s life with slander can be done in professional settings and by respected professionals that public and are in powers of authority over others. I advocate for children displaced foster children. When someone sounds like a broken record, going over the same situation or story, they’re dealing with a mental block and something wrong. Manipulators know they have confused the victim and the subconscious is second-guessing the attack. Liars have no conscious and their reality is distorted and they are never going, to be honest. The victim is usually in a state of panic while the attacker sits back all calm. Most people don’t plan how to handle being a victim of abuse and manipulative attackers usually have plans A, B, and C already figured out, before they attack.
I have met many people, men and women, who have been affected by the lies gaslighters tell. It seems out of control to me and common now. Yet the law is about 100 years behind. Recently I made a police complaint about a person in a position of trust who abused me. The abuse was sexual. When I made a complaint through the ‘right’ chanels the accused told everyone concerned that we had had an AFFAIR. (Not sexual abuse at all!) Eventually after pushing for years I attended a 2 hour police interview and spilled my guts. The upshot of all that was this: I had to wait a few weeks before I learned whether or not the police would press charges. When my phone rang I snatched it up … ‘Hello’ said a policman’s voice at the other end … “So”, he said, “Youve had an affair with a [. ]. (!!!). Police wasting police time?
I feel like going further – the ombudsman, the minister of Police, the UN? But I don’t have the energy. My abuser used covert hypnosis to abuse me – gaslighting on steroids.
I am very happily remarried today with very supportive spouse. I have nothing from my previous marriage – my daughter lies about me, my eldest son lies about me and recently my middle son told me a counsellor told him that I am trying to alienate him from his father – he’s thirty five years old and a counsellor told him I am trying to alienate him from his father!!!! He believes the counsellor. See what I’m saying? There are the gaslighters and then there are the people who just want to believe the liar no matter how absurd their lies get. They don’t ask questions. So liar + person who doesn’t ask questions = gaslit victim. One liar doesn’t account for the damage eh?
Christine, I have read a lot about this subject and have never found anything that explains what I’ve gone through quite as precisely. Thank you for this. I wish that I could see you because I have been unable to find anyone who understands just how devastating it is. I lost my business, family, friends, health, life savings, reputation, sense of security, self esteem…everything but my life and I am sure he would have no problem taking that as well. My own family never even talked to me once he walked out. I had no idea he had been talking with them, with concern of course, during our entire relationship which lasted 20 years. The great thing about this experience has been that my eyes were opened to this evil and 3 years later I am working on my recovery and no longer have any toxic people in my life. I have rarely left my home in these 3 years but I am ready to go out and create real and lasting friendships. I will probably never marry, live with or date another man but I plan to live the rest of my life in peace. I wish we could educate all children about this in schools so they could all avoid the trauma so many of us have had to suffer. Thank you again.
This is me and I am in a whole so deep I do not know how to get out….I know the first step is to build self confidence, but I am isolated and have no family where I am, and in a foreign country…The only family I have doesn’t want me to burden them, I have asked for help but it has been frowned upon..(sort of like, you made the bed, now you have to lie on it)…It is sad that I know that I am seeing life through my parents situation, and yet I have fallen for the same trap….and I thought I was smart… 🙁 I have lost everything….I have started painting and drawing to help my anxiety and to stay focussed that I can change my situation….What is sad is that the love is so lovely (funny that)….the weak me is what is wanted, the motherly me, the nurse, the caretaker, etc…but the strong, independent me….go out of the house, into an office and work, that me is not wanted….and I have no children (thank God), but I always wanted a family and now I am too old…..I don’t even have a women’s shelter to go to…If there is any shred of advise someone can give me, please write me…Thank you and bless all of those who are going through the same, you are not alone, and God loves you….I send you a heartfelt hug and many kisses…. 🙂
Wow…after so many years of verbal abuse and badgering being left in a state of confusion and wondering who I am and what I’m doing, it has a name…Gaslighting. Living with a woman who has for years actually been brainwashing me into believing I was worthless. Making me believe I was a terrible husband and father, a coward, a failure and a manipulator. Telling me more times than I can count how I did and said things I was certain (or at least I thought I was) I never said or did. I would look in the mirror after several hours of badgering and screaming back and forth and ask myself, what did I do? What did I say? Am I really this terrible person? Got to where I was second guessing everything I did or said. Trying to go the extra mile to do anything she wanted whether I thought it was right or not. Pleading, begging and making apologies for everything never actually knowing why. Leaving the house when the hammering was too much to take and spending hours just sitting in my vehicle in empty parking lots staring off into nowhere. Pushed into sleeping on the floor in my own house because I’m told its all I deserve and believing I deserve to be punished. Leaving work and driving all over town instead of having to go to the house and hear once again how much of a bad person I was for hours at a time. And then, suddenly getting some sort of compliment or relief for a short time only to have those moments of peace pulled away with more verbal abuse. I would try to be an armchair psychiatrist and figure out what was going on. Told her I felt she needed help, the problem was bi-polar or something else, but she would never seek counseling. Would continue on with Gaslighting by saying I was the crazy one…I was the one with the problem…I was the one who was abuser. Repetitive comments like that started to break me down mentally and physically. Just wanted to give up and make it all go away. Stopped taking care of myself; not using medications as I should, drew away from my friends and family and stopped doing things I enjoyed. In my mind, she made me believe I was not worthy to have anything of my own and when I did, I was being a selfish animal and it was forbidden. Even when trying to work household tasks, I was put in the role of the “stupid one” and made to believe her way to proceed was always right no matter what. The strange this she would turn all that around and call me out for not being a team player or coming up with suggestions of my own. Those limited suggestions were quickly turned back on me as not a plan that would work. I regressed…would go days or weeks sometimes with little or no conversation struggling with whether or not I was wrong. The second guessing was terrible and my brain would feel like mush most of the time. It took all I have to focus enough to continue working and the office became the only refuge of peace I had. The most depressing time of the day was when it was close to the end of the workday or there was a holiday coming up where I would have to spend more time in the house. Lots of years lost I’ll never get back…hopefully there will be a recovery to try and have some years of peace and happiness.
I have a “best friend” who gas-lighted me from childhood through present. She judged everything I did. At one point I had to confer with her on everything I did, every guy I dated, every decision I made. I needed her input to live. I could not figure out why everyone I introduced her to stopped calling me after they became friends with her. Then someone finally told me that she would trash me to everyone when I was not around.I pleaded with her to see my side, but she just turned it into a mental flaw with me. She said I was too sensitive and paranoid. My group of friends all would hang on to every word she said. They believed her through and through. I ditched them all over 10 years ago when I finally had enough.
When I run into people from my past, they ask what happened with she and I. She tells everyone how she wishes she could just make me understand that she is not trying to hurt me. That if she could just get through to me, everything would be fine. It is so deceptive. They even say, “She misses you so much. You should let it go.” I simply reply, “It seems like you know alot more about this than you should. Don’t you think?”
We are in our 50’s now. We have seen each other a few times in between. Each time it is not planned. Each time we spend a lot of time talking and the digs begin. The jokes about things that drove our friendship apart. The jabs about me begin and then i get fed up and leave. Every time I leave she gives me the smug
She still reaches out and asks me to go to lunch. She’ll text me late at night with something ridiculous just to push a boundary. She entices me into her company but it is always designed to compare her life to mine where she can brag or take shots. She does everything she can to destroy me. I am ready to go back to not responding, but each time I do I hear more from others about “what happened? Is everything ok in your life?” I am so tired of it.
Hello Darren How are you doing in the present?
HI JM,
Thank you so much for your courage in writing this. I had much the same experiences. They came from father, mother and a younger (!) sister primarily. I am also 60, and feel so embarrassed sometimes for having dealt with this for so long and not having put it together sooner. It made a mess out of my life. Fortunately I finally got the right kind of help from a great therapist and am beginning to see that there is life on the other side of this thing. Blessings to you.
D
My memory can take me back to first being gaslighted by my sister at the age of 5. However others have told me the first thing she did to me was to push me out of my pram when I was a baby.
How can someone of the age of 7 have the ability to go on and on and on at you, criticising and belittling you? That had to have come to this life with them surely?
This gaslighting lasted for 60 years during which I was subjected to all kinds of mental and physical bullying, manipulation, being talked down to, being belittled, etc. This person would also create crisis after crisis after crisis in order to be the centre of attention and the centre of her manipulation of everyone. She was the arch-manipulator, able to play all kinds of parts – friendly, wonderful, tearful and then utterly horrible, cruel, cold, unfeeling and evil.
Even now I have cut off contact she is trying to find ways to make contact again whilst manipulating anyone who will listen to her ‘getting in first’ stories about me, resulting in their having a bad false impression of me through believing every word she says.
I have been suffering a form of depression for many decades, although I did not recognise it until I received help in recent years.
I have been driven to the point of death by this person (the account of which would take too long) and am lucky to be alive.
Thinking someone’s behaviour of this kind to be ‘normal’ was my problem and I was a loyal member of the family, so I was easy prey.
Not anymore.
As a former/ current victim to this, both myself and my wife are in therapy, but there are still some stigmas or misconceptions that we are having difficulty with. My personal experiences are fairly black and white, but I recently remarried and am trying to deal w/ a seemingly uncommon form of abuse. My wife had an only child (daughter) and while there appears to be no narcissism w/ the parents, the child gaslighted her mother for many years. It took till her late teens for the father to see firsthand the abuse although his wife repeatedly told him of her actions. Only the abused parents believed her. She has 4 siblings, all still believing the narcissist child (now 40) is a virtual angel. We are both widows and when we married in 2015, I recieved emails about how sick my new wife is. In my 60 years, I’ve seen enough to know manipulation when I see it. My wife is still suffering from those years of abuse and it started to affect me greatly, but I think I’ve turned the corner. I believe, if my wife does not fully understand what has happened, our relationship will deteriorate further. My point is, it is hard to even have psychologist’s fully understand these more unusual situations. Of course, the daughter has never had therapy and likely will continue to deny it. It also is hard to have my wife understand how much this affects me and can set off my triggers. Narcissism is truly an evil entity and I feel there must be some genetic causes besides the typical “blame the parents” syndrome. Thankyou for the article. It is a must see movie. I believe my wife went through another movie called the “Bad Seed”. We need to open our eyes wider I think!
Vipersbreed. If there was a robot who can read somebody”s mind before it is too late. Such a robot can you give you an answer on questions such as what is going to happen if I do this or that. . Never forget their boredom and we dullness. It turns your life up side down and it can make you upset when you don”t know where you are dealing with. Its illegal and unlawfull and corrupts people who are honest and prefer to work with integrity of law and order legal and having good manners. A bad boy prank at mature age. .
I don”t know for sure if I am gashlighted but is was a somebody of mature age and not a child anymore who fantasizes soemthing. It was in a some sort of profession as a so called astrologer and diagnosed my as a laymen and wrote a letter to an other and later he was forgotten that he wrote that letter whil i know for sure that he did that to boost his ego. Some are unashamed in their gashlighting and you think could they have syfilis or in the last stage of it with dementia. Bad boyish evil pranks and even at older age. It was a bad boy in astrology who did on with pranks with innocent people and when it came out that he did that they became angry and then they gave no answer and denied their so called profession and even denied people who came there as a paying costumer and client. They are picking people on painpoints and weak spots and when the disapppointed one complaints they do on victimblaming. They denied what they did and what they said while they made a travel and paid money for it. It was ethical and technical not reliable. Not solid and life threatened. people cleints were very angry when it came out what they did. They suffered a lot and had problems and were in trouble with irreverseble things such as money issues and could n”t pay the bills anymore, and the groceries in the supermarket because they had no money on their account and after all fired from their imployer. No income and were panicking, sorrow trouble even thinking of suicide. An other its pain is their gain. They get a kick on poverty depraved situations power control in a position of power. Thay say to people in a subordinated position that they are responsible for things they are doing wrong in their profession. Such as no willing and doing bad and corrupt things in their profession then the patient or client gets the blame for it what they are doin no good. . . .
3 phases 3 months. October-January except i was hooked pretty deep and fought through mid january to february 24th. She let me come over the 22nd spent like 5 good days together, went to the bar one night, she got drunk destroyed her house, hit me with stuff, poked me in the head repeatedly saying something about getting something through my head. Blamed me for being sober and acting high and mighty. I took a adderall to stay up cause i didnt want to go to sleep with her crazy ass. Then she flips shit about me taking adderall and how she cant trust me and how i never should have came back blah blah. went out the next night she started dogging on the clothes i was wearing after i picked her up from work, stayed on her phone at the bar, talked to other dudes. I confronted her and when we got back home she got on the phone in the bathroom set up arrangments with another dude, left me hanging saying she would be back in the morning. abandonment shit
I want to than you for this article. I have known for some time that I was the victim of a narcissist but have only reentlyegun this read about gaslighting. So many aspects of this article rang true that it is as if you were there in my marriage with me. It resonated so much that I could almost cry for what I experienced. Thank you – I will be reading it again on many occasions.
What i don’t realize is in fact how you’re no longer actually much more
neatly-preferred than you might be right now. You’re
very intelligent. You understand thus considerably in the case
of this topic, made me personally believe it from so many
varied angles. Its like men and women don’t seem to be involved unless it is
one thing to accomplish with Woman gaga! Your individual stuffs nice.
At all times handle it up!
This is such a fantastic article.
I split up with my ex partner years ago because his behaviour is that of a person with no integrity or emotions even though he tries to convince me repeatedly that he is a good person, which I know isn’t true given the things that happened during the relationship.
However, he is continuously returning to make me feel guilty by spewing out a few negative comments about me, members of my family or ask me for help financially. We don’t have any children together so there is no reason for us to maintain contact. I naively assumed it was because he had some sort of weird affection for me but was incapable of expressing himself emotionally. I was never able to figure out this odd, depressing situation. I’ve always felt so bad as though everything that happened was my fault so have always agree to help while feeling greatly aggravated at having to give my money to a useless, manipulative, selfish, psycho who actually couldn’t care less about me but pretends to until I hand over the money. Yet I felt as though I would be a terrible person if I didn’t help. The last time I helped him, he praised my generosity for helping him keep his business on track but within hours he reverted to trashing me for whatever reason seemed more hurtful, confidence-destroying and able to grind my self-esteem into the ground effectively.
I have never actually said, stop contacting me until now but I am giving him three strikes to stop contacting me and then it’s a restraining order. It’s a wonder that some human beings can be quite so nasty. Having read this article I do feel that I should engage in some serious psychological damage limitation for myself. The game is up and I’m fighting back by whatever means necessary!!
Iv just severed the contact. Took restraing order out to stop I feel the worst person lv ever encounted He a absolute master at lying.4 years felt 10 years. Have 3 daughters had a home job. At the end of it my daughters and l is whats left.
Iv never cried as much as l did second guess confused walk on egg shells in my own home would ask what hae l done wrong soo many times.
I know what l did was wrong and it was opening my front door that night, l had a warning sign inner voice was screaming at me .l told her nah its goin to be ok.. To me my rayers were answered..
Unfortunately my hell was just beginning.
Now with great relief my life is ZEN
Ive been extremely high for the last 11 years, and have been taken advantage of by many people I cared about. I know I put myself in this position but the level of manipulation almost turned me into a mad man, however I’m having a fast and can see clearly again now they scared of me….too anyone reading this put on a super confident stance and they will shrink
Hi Christine…..you know Jesus is closer than you think.he seeks you to trust him and grow closer to him.leave your worries and upsets to Jesus place your petition to Jesus.he is the only one who could make your dad do the right thing.his spirit can change your situation.money pays bills but faith endures eternity.
I was a teacher had everything.divorced,carer to an autistic child. We live on government pension.but Jesus always provides just enough to get things done.
Thinking of you….Kylie xxx
If you want a hug off Jesus sit quietly and ask .he will. Don’t forget to say Thankyou.xxx
Hi I married a narc thinking he was my Prince Charming .in a marriage of 7 years I was devalued ,unloved,verbally put down ,emotionally cast off. His needs came first.in marriage I knew something was wrong. But it has taken years to understand it was domestic violence I went thru. He didn’t want children. When my son came there was no congratulations.there was no help or love for his new baby. He spent his time smoking ,playing games on his computer and being with his mates. My son was 11 months old when he became aggressive.i kicked him out due to fear to our safety.
He went from woman to woman over 16 years. my son always came home angry from visitations.my son understands now he is 18years that his dad is different. I have over all these years have put up with the ex disgusting letters/ put downs.my son wants no contact…..it took him 18 months to tell me his dad bath him and shoved the soap up his … On Christmas Day 2016 …..numerous times.
If it wasn’t for people sharing things on the net I would not have had the information to make good choices for my family.we have had numerous nasty letters last year. Yet last weekend a nice Christmas card to my son .i fear the x is trying to catch us off guard to only create more pain and anxiety. It’s been 18 years since breakup.
And he is still punishing me.
I can’t help wanting revenge, I want to see her hurt and suffering for all the wasted years I spent trying to keep our family together. What really makes me hate is knowing she doesn’t value anything meaningful. Every thing that hurts a normal kind person has no effect on the sub human. I know she simply doesn’t care because she is devoid of empathy whatsoever. The only thing is to post her trash behavior publicly and draw attention to myself. That is not an option. But I can’t seem to get over the fact I never wanted to risk having my life affected by s nasty psycho in the first god damn place. Maybe I’ll get over it and maybe I’ll pay her back someday. I don’t hope for anything. If the rules of life don’t do it to her , heaven help us!
In my case, it’s been my mother who has been gaslighting me, especially since I have been her caregiver. She is 90 now and nothing has ‘changed’… she keeps pouncing … I thank God I have found out about this horrible disease…
At least now I know. I’m not crazy after all.
Donna;
My daughter believes that she is in this kind of a relationship and this is the first time I have actually heard of the term “gas lighting”. I am in Wisconsin and he moved her out to Washington with our grandchildren. The one child is his but I am worried about my granddaughter as well. What would be the safest route to get her out of this situation? through a heated argument he actually pushed her; so it is getting physical. I told my daughter to be careful because if he thinks he got away with pushing you he might get more physical.
Lived with a gas lighter for 4 years. The way she was messing with my head… Twisting everything… I had to start video taping what was happening and making notes to get a grip on reality. When she found this evidence she destroyed it and started trying to convince me the physical and emotional abuse never happened. At this point I knew I had to get out. She pushed me to the ground when I was on insomnia medication. She clawed at me to draw blood, she spit on me. One night she started slamming her head against the wall and said she’d tell the cops I hurt her then blockaded my bedroom door and yelled at me all night. So glad it’s over. I don’t ever want another relationship. The constant sleep deprivation was the worst part. You’re much more susceptible to the manipulation was you’re tired.
Hi Donna, I can assure you that “shame” is a huge effect of narcissistic abuse because the narcissist projects all their shame onto their victims. Actually, I have written a book all about how the narcissist hurts and shames their victims, and the consequences of that shame in their lives. The book is now complete, just trying to work out the technical stuff now. The name of the book is “WHEN SHAME BEGETS SHAME”. Christine
Thank you so much for your works here. Thank you for writing sll of this where s laymen can understand it. My story is long and Ive been beat down for 27 years. We are divorced now and I am still in great pain. I had no idea. So much shame. No friends. He hot rid of them years ago. Thank you.
I’m at a loss for words….. but, thank you so much..
Sincerely, lost…
Darren
My husband was a victim of emotional abuse and gaslighting for 17 years by his ex wife.
Serious abuse. Many of the things you mention and more. His kids were pre-teen and she tried to use them against him but we learned later that they knew the truth. He was suicidal but could not imagine leaving them in her full control.
One day he hit the wall. Walked out with the clothes on his back & nothing more. Lived in hotel rooms and lost everything material but felt more free than ever.
All the stuff after, custody battle, house loss, money drained, didn’t ruin his sense of relief.
We met coincidently thru a mutual friend. I saw the diamond in the rough. He had a good heart but nothing else. We cultivated a loving, respectful relationship.
The kids gravitated to us. Eventually we put life’s pieces back together…with loving kindness toward each other and everyone else. The kids are grown and they stay with us all the time. Life is good. There are possibilities that you cannot see now, but they are there.
If he had ended his life when he lost everything and didn’t have the confidence to see any improvement, we would not be living the life we have now.
It’s out there. Love, kindness, respect.
Be open to it. Be willing to walk away from everything and rebuild. You’ll look back in 10 years and say “ wow I did it”. There is so much love out there all you have to do is be free to receive it.
You are in a prison cell and you have the key out. If you are open to suicide you are just as ready to go to ground zero and start over. Nothing else matters but live. It’s out there.
Darren,
I support you and my mother Is a narcissist. I keep running into female narcissists, an let me tell you they are real masters at the game of emotional abuse!
No, you cannot go on like that, but you know what you have to do, and….
You cannot make her change, which leaves only one thing, and it’s NOT trying harder to please her.
Narcissists often win the material game, I’m sorry to say, but what is your choice? Suicide, PTSD, damaged chilren….or losing your assets?
I agree with the poster below. A councilor can help you figure out what’s best for you, and help you with your grief.
I’m so sorry for your lost.
Darren,
You are so right. Women can be narcissist just as often as men. I am so terribly sorry you are dealing with this. I strongly suggest you see a counselor who can help with the emotional abuse you’ve encountered. Stay strong for your children. If you are dealing with this, I can assume your two children are too. As a daughter of a father who committed suicide, it’s not fair for the emotional, physical, and emotional harm that will cause them and it truly is not an answer to any problems. Help is out there and there are other sites like this where you can find a community to vent, talk, and discuss with. Don’t lose hope.
I’m saying prayers for you. You don’t deserve this and I pity you.
Hi Jarvis well done it’s easier to see in to someone else’s life than your own at times. You will have good and bad days ahead, however please please keep in mind your not going mad, it is hard especially when others don’t understand they think your making it up or exaggerating it can’t be that bad! I hope you manage to move on without too much grief
I find it a little disconcerting that there seems to be an assumption that only men are capable of being a Narcissistic abuser. I’ve only just recently become aware that they way my wife has been treating me is classic textbook Gaslighting. She used our money without consulting with me first to by property a long way from the rest of my family and constantly shames me for being something she knew I wqasn’t when she married me. I have tried talking to her about it but she manages to turn everything I say against me. She accuses me of things I’ve never done, accuses me of wasting money whenever i buy something for myself – I keep as little as 5% of my income – the rest goes to paying every single bill without any money from her – and now she is eying off my superannuation and constantly asking me if my life insurance policy is big enough. I’m getting very worried – but she is a master manipulator and has everyone convinced she’s an altruistic angel and I’m somehow less of a man if I want something for myself. She told me my friends weren’t good enough and has driven them all away = she constantly tells me my family are all insane whilst conveniently ignoring the Psychotic abuse my mother in law dishes out on both me and my Father in Law. He’s about the only person that can see what goes on but he’s been browbeaten for so long now he hardly says a word.
I try to be nice to everyone I know but my kindness is called weakness by my wife – especially when I spend money on my nephews for birthdays and christmas – she thinks she should have that money.
Everytime we have an argument i try to use reason – she jumps straight to threats of divorce and taking all my assets as a means to end all arguments. I really don’t know what to do and have been contemplating suicide – but would hate to see either of my two living children (My eldest was killed by an ignorant truck driver and I can’t get over that either – but I’m told I’m weak when ever she sees my crying).
There are no resources available locally for emotionally abused men – society just assumes it’s men that are th perpetrators and doesn’t realised that emotional abuse is far more insidious than physical abuse. Everything I’ve ever done wrong is brought out and used against me whenever I push back – I call it ‘the litany’. I get no credit for improving myself and I don’t think I can go on like this much more
Well true as it were. Question is which is worse narcissist sociology or psycho.and the attendant terminal abuse…of life altogether
I am a recovering gaslightee of 34 yrs. I knew something was not right but did not know what to do or how to change it. I suffered all the consequences of it including PTSD, depression, isolation, dissociation and trauma bonding. I have not yet regained my self confidence but i hope to someday.
I am thankfulfor this article and the many others I have read on this subject that have proved to me I am not crazy and I am not oversensitive or imagining things.
Thank you
Something to add to this discussion is how the narcissist uses gaslighting with all things having to do with money.
There has been very little written about victims of narcissists who suffer in exigent poverty as a result of being made to feel less than worthy, negating abilities and talents and causing self-doubt, and, even as a kid, you were wicked if you needed new shoes and had any financial needs whatsoever.
From the day I was born my father kept a ledger where he accounted for every penny I ever cost him, including the hospital bill for my delivery. He never failed to shove that under my nose especially when in my thirties and forties, I was so horribly broken, brittle, and sick that it was all but impossible for me to find or hold a job let alone sustain myself. And I come from a family of means.
Nothing is more difficult, especially for single, middle-aged women, to not only overcome the hideous abuses as victims of narcissists, but to be able to find, through the grace of God, a way to free ourselves financially of any kind of dependence the abusive, sick narcissist gloats at having created, especially financially. Nothing fuels his deranged ego more than to make the impoverished victim dependent upon him for money so he can then turn around and abuse her for being good for nothing.
I can’t understand, with all that is written about narcissism, why nobody has really sunk their teeth into this phenomenon. How interesting it would be to interview those living in poverty, in some cases extreme, who come from wealthy backgrounds but have been victims of narcissistic abuse. There is very little advice for those of us trying to pull ourselves out of this quicksand. Over the years, in the midst of battling horrible bouts of depression, I took on menial jobs, save for cleaning toilets, in a feeble attempt to care for myself. Today, one needs a B.A. to pump gas. Our liberal system of social engineering continues to raise the bar making it necessary to keep pouring money into the coffers of the academy to stockpile degrees that, today, a B.A. is the equivalent of a high school diploma.
I have reached the conclusion that this is my cross to bear and that helps to alleviate the pain and frustration of deprivation.
It truly seems that narcissists simply can’t help themselves and with age this hideous affliction becomes worse, not better.
My 86 year old father illegally holds a considerable amount of money that belongs to me that is my inheritance from my mother’s estate. After my mother’s death he and my sister pulled the wool over my eyes withholding my mother’s will from me; I didn’t realize what they had done to me until a few years down the road when I found documents in some of my mother’s papers such as attorney’s bills that proved my father ignored her Last Will dated 1999 and instead filed an earlier version dated 1980.
Each month he issues me a check from this money as my “monthly allowance” which is a pittance given the amount of money he holds that rightfully belongs to me. I have not yet pursued this with a mediator or attorney but plan to do so, soon.
Usually he sends the check by the first of the month. But this month, as of this morning there was still no check and I had pressing bills to pay. I ended up phoning him as I sensed something was going on. Oh, no, he hadn’t sent the check out yet because he’s “just been too busy.” I knew right away he was gas lighting me.
I haven’t seen him in about four years, and for many reasons; mostly because right after my mother died he began an affair (at 80 years old) with a married woman, an affair that began long before my mother died and helped put her in her early grave.
I am reminded of the writings of Saint Francis of Assissi, who says that, “in endeavouring to draw to sin any one that is afraid of being at enmity with God, the devil does not seek in the beginning to bind him with the chain of a slave, by tempting him to commit mortal sin, because he would have a horror of yielding to mortal sin, and would guard himself against it. He first endeavours to bind him by a single hair; then by a slender thread; next by a cord; afterwards by a rope; and in the end by a chain of hell — that is, by mortal sin; and thus he makes him his slave. For example: A person cherishes an affection for a woman through a motive of courtesy or of gratitude, or from an esteem for her good qualities. This affection is followed by mutual presents; to these succeed words of tenderness; and after the first violent assault of the devil, the miserable man shall find that he has fallen into mortal sin. He meets with the fate of gamblers, who, after frequently losing large sums of money, yield to an impulse of passion, risk their all, and, in the end, lose their whole property.” – from religious book shelf dot com.
Anyway, I told him I would meet him at the local convenience store (equidistant between his home and mine) to get the check as I needed it today to pay pressing bills. By the time I reached the parking lot where I was to meet him my stomach literally began to retch. I prayed to Jesus Christ and the Archangel Saint Michael for protection.
I don’t think I even made eye contact with him. He briefly got out of his vehicle to hand me the check. I took it from him, thanked him, got right back in my car, and without looking back. got to my bank in time to make a much needed deposit.
Though there was no eye contact, I saw enough of him to realize he has sold his soul and continues to dig himself deeper. I have pleaded with him to turn his life around but he mocks me. As heartbreaking as it is, unless there is a miracle, there is very little chance for reconciliation. The narcissist is completely convinced of himself, so much so that for him gaslighting is an entitlement.
Learning to forgive has been a very challenging task for some of us, and for me, today, just having to meet with my father, to have to hear his voice on the phone, started to send me back to the very dark ages that I have worked so hard to climb out of. My older sister is like my father’s clone — same thing. I’ve been left with no choice but to completely distance myself from both of them and in doing so, have basically become an orphan. And in that end, is my beginning.
My prayers are with everyone finding their way to this website who, each day, come closer to God on their true journey home.
Thank you, Christine, for all that you give and this wonderful website. May God bless us all.
Reading this article gives me goosebumps! I escaped twice and went back to a Narcissist Gaslighter. I had never heard this term before reading this but Wow! I finally have some way to try to explain to friends and family who have abandoned me and blamed me for staying so long. I did flee 5months ago after 5 years in this puah me pull you relationship. Had to live in a shelter with my teenage son and change my phone number to stop the abuse. Although he e-mails me still with I love you’s one minute to everything was all your fault..if you only wanted Unity. He actually refered to our relationahip as the dance. When I read this and time apart, I truly believe it was just a matter of time and I would have lost everything. The threats of recording and photos of things he said Id done je said were sent to his lawyer. He planted burning cigarettes on my pillow beside my head and took pictures and said I fell asleep while smoking. Standing over me yelling at me on a minute to minute basis then once reduced to tears and shaking..he would ask me whats wrong, and say hed never say those things, that Im the best thing that ever ha]ened to him and he loved me so much. I felt like I was crazy! He had me isolated from my friends and family and near the end I stopped all communication because I was either told it cant be that bad or just leave! I couldnt leave the house, he smashed my car, told friends that I was abusing him. So so many things that I remember in nightmares or just in conversation with other people and memories and realities just flood in like a broken damm.
But now that I have some understanding it makes it easier to try to heal. Its go
It’s actually quite funny, I was slowly edged out of my family thanks to an ex who presently has contact with them , I presume he plays his games still. Yawn
“If u even think that u might be……
RUN”
Indeed. It’ll drive you nuts if you don’t. I just spent an evening having a conversation with my wife, which consisted of her saying that I’m “misrepresenting” her and that I was gaslighting her. I’m imagining things, being too sensitive, etc.
If u even think that u might be……
RUN
Self Preservation comes first.. meaning you come first. If any part of you is saying this is too close resemblance that’s your self preservation at work…listen to it. Drop this relationship now. Give yourself time to grief and mourn the death of other relationship and the you, you use to be. Strive to get yourself together again before even trying to move on. Cause now you’ve got to rebuild yourself with what pieces of you is left over. If there is none or if there is, you’ve got to be reborn. Take time to work on you and not worry about somebody else’s wants or demands. Prayers…
I did not know what gas lighting was until my daughter referenced the term this afternoon. After reading this and a few other articles, I am ashamed to say that I may be in a newly formed relationship of almost 5 years that has recently become eerily similar to the 20 year relationship I ended because of endless emotional abuse and micro management from my spouse. Am I a gas-lightee? I am so thankful I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow morning.
Thank you for writing this. I just left my narc after nearly 10 yrs. It was not easy and is still not easy but I know that better days are ahead. I read as much as I can (such as this piece and I’m in professional counseling.
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE TWO HOUSES BUT I STAY WITH HIM IN HIS MOST OF THE TIME, MY PLACE IS A 3 HOUR DRIVE AWAY,HE HAD AN AFFAIR WHEN I WAS GONE FOR 6 WEEKS IN EUROPE,I FOUND EMAILS ABOUT THE ORAL SEX THEY HAD AND HE THANKED HER FOR HAVING SEX WITH HIS SON AND HE HAD HER HOLD A KEY TO LOCK UP HIS PENIS,THEY MADE PLANS TO SEE OTHER SEX PARTNERS TOGETHER AND GET RID OF ME, WHEN I CONFRONTED HER SHE THREATENED ME ABOUT MAILFRAUD THAT ISNT TRUE AND THAT MY MARRAGE WAS A FARCE AND THAT I WAS JUST USING HIM AND THAT I TRIED TO KILL HIM AND THAT HE ONLY MARRIED ME BECAUSE I MADE HIM FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM GIVING ME AIDS AND HERPES AND THAT I USED HIM TO BUY ME HEALTH INSURANCE WHICH ARE ALL LIES,SHE SAID I DONT EVEN SLEEP WITH HIM AND THAT I HATE HIM,SHE SAID I HAD NO RIGHT TO SAY ANTHING ABOUT WHO HE SEES OR BRINGS INTO THE HOUSE AND THAT SHE HAD NO RESPECT FOR MY MARRIAGE OR ME,SHE HAS BEEN AT OUR PROPERTY FOR OVER EIGHT MONTHS SINCE THIER AFFAIR AND SHE HAS RIGHTS TO COME AND GO AS SHE PLEASES BECAUSE HER X BOYFRIEND THAT CONSIDERS HER THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE RENTS A ROOM FROM US BEHIND THE GARAGE HIS NAME IS DAN AND HE WILL NOT ASK HER TO STOP COMING..DAN WAS VERY VIOLENT AND THREATENED TO KILL ME SEVERAL TIMES CHASED ME UP THE PORCH SPIT IN MY FACE AND BANGED ON MY DOOR THREATENING MANY TIMES,I ATTEMPTED GETTING RESTRAINING ORDER BUT THE JUDGE SAID I NEEDED POLICE REPORTS,HE QUESTIONED PAUL MY HUSBAND AS TO WHY HE LET THIS GO ON THIS FAR AND DENIED THE RESTAINING ORDER AND SUGGESTED TO PAUL TO PUT HIS WIFE ME AS A PRIORITY AND GET AN EVITION HE SAID WAS FAR MORE APPROPRIATE, PAUL DID AGREE BUT SOON DECIDED TO USE THE EXCUSE THAT HE WASNT GOING TO RISK THAT WE WOULD BE SUED BY DAN.SO AT FIRST DAN AGREED THAT LISA WOULD NOT COME OVER UNLESS I WAS GONE AND PAUL WAS GONE THEN THAT CHANGED TO SHES THERE ALL THE TIME,WE DID NOT RENT TO HER BUT SHE HAS RIGHTS TO BE THERE AS A VISITOR,PAUL HAS REASSURED ME THAT SHE IS NOT COMING IN THE HOUSE WHEN IM GONE AND THAT HE DOESNT TALK TO HER AT ALL;HOWEVER TWO WEEKS AGO HE FORGOT TO HANG UP THE DINING ROOM TABLE HOME PHONE AND I OVERHEARD A LENGHTY CLEAR YVONNE BASHING CONVERSATION,,HE HEARD ME YELL THRU THE PHONE AND THEN DENIED THAT SHE WAS THER AND THAT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE THAT I HEARD WHAT I HEARD THAT IT WS THE NIEGHBOOR I TOLD HIM WORD FOR WORD WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT AND HE STILL DENIED IT FOR A WEEK THEN I TRICKED AND CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE,HE SAID IT WAS ONY ONE TIME AND THAT HE WAS SORRY AND HE WOULDNT DO IT AGAIN,HE INSISTED THAT I WAS MAKING TOO MUCH OF IT,HE DOESNT CALL ME WHEN HE SAYS HE IS AND ON LAST SATURDAY HE KNEW I WAS COMING HOME AND THE FRONT AND BACK DOOR WHERE LOCKED AND I HEARD THEM TALKING IN THE DINING ROOM AGAIN I WAS SO SHAKEY I HAD THE WRONG KEY IN MY HAND I BANGED IN THE BACK DOOR AND I HEARD HER RUNNING TO THE FRONT DOOR AND HE CAME TO THE BACK WHERE I WAS BUT I BOLTED TO THE FRONT TO CATCH HER AND SHE HAD ALREADY DISAPPEARED,,i DID SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT I HEARD RIGHT AWAY,IT WAS VERY HOT I WAS SO HURT AND HE WAS YELLING BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE THAT I WAS NOT AT THE BACK DOOR WHEN HE OPENED IT WHEN HE TOOK A LONG TIME TO GET THERE,THE HOUSE WAS FILTHY THER WAS A MATRESS ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND HE SAID A GIRL NAMED MICHELLE A FRIEND OF ANOTHER GIRL THAT TEMPORARALLY VISITED FOR A FEW DAYS HAD COME TO SELL HIS ART ONLINE WHEN HE AND I AGREED THAT I WAS GOING TO DO THAT,SO NOW HE HAD ANOTHER INTERTWINED INTERACTION WITH A PROSPECT FOR MORE NARCISSIST ATTENTION,WITHOUT ASKING ME IF IT WAS OK FOR HER TO SPEND THE NIGHT AND TAKE MY JOBHE SAID THAT ITS HIS HOUSE SCREAMING THAT HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS ITS HIS HOUSE AND THAT HE DIDNT REMEMBER THAT HE AGREED TO INFORM ME BEFORE ANYONE SPENDS THE NIGHT,,THEN HE ADMITTED HE REMBERED BUT DIDNT THINK IT WAS A BIG DEAL WHY SHOULD I CARE ,,I SAID IT THE PRINCIPLE AND THE AGREEMENT WE MADE AFTER HE HAD A GUY THERE WHEN I WAS GONE WHILE HE WAS AT WORK THAT ANSWERED THE PHONE AND SAID HE HAD SEX WITH MY HUSBAND MOST OF THE NIGHT AND WOULD LET PAUL KNOW I CALLED AND WOULD TELL HIM TO CALL ME WHICH DID NOT HAPPEN TILL THE END OF THE DAY,,SO MY POSSESSTIONS WHERE ALWAYS AT THE MERCY OF THIEFT FROMEITHER HIS GUESTS OR HIS SON AND THE SAME GIRL HE HAD THE AFFAIR WITH,,I MADE HIM PUT A LOCK ON THE BEDROOM DOOR WHERE I PUT ALL MY CLOTHES ,WHEN I CAME BACK FROM EUROPE HE BROKE THE DEAD BOLT OFF,HE HAD THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK EVERYDAY THAT I WAS AWAY AT MY OTHER HOUSE THAT IM TRYING TO GET READY TO RENT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO PAY ME ANYTHING FOR ALL THE WORK I DID FOR HIM BRFORE WE GOT MARRIED,SO INSTEAD OF HIM HELPING ME GET MY HOUSE PAINTED AND FURNITURE INE STORAGE HE CANT FIND TIME HES SO BUSY AT HIS CABIN ENABLING HIS SON WITH DRUGS AND ALL EXPENSES PAID ,AND ONLY BRAKES THINGS AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE TOWARDS HIS FATHER PAUL ,, PAUL GIVES ME THE FEELING THAT HE IS AGREEING TO NOT HAVE LISA THERE AND NOT ENGAGE IN ANY BUSINESS AGREEMENTS WITHOUT ME OR HAVE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE AND THAT HE CALL ME TO KEEP ME INFORMED ABOUT WHATS GOING ON,ONLY FOR THE MOMENT IM THERE IN HIS FACE AND THAT AS SOON AS I GET IN MY CAR AND GO TO THE OTHER HOUSE I DO NOT EVEN EXIST,NO PHONE CALLS,RINGER OFF,BUSY SPENDING LOTS OF MONEY GOING TO CASINOS CONSTANTLY ON SOME PROJECT GRINDING METAL ART OF PAINTING,SO MANY APPOINTMENTS TO PAY OFF PAWN TICKETS SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK,,PAUL IS EXTREMELY MESSY I CLEAN DO LAUNDRY BUY GROCERIES COOK DO DISHES,PAY BILLS,MAKE ALL DR APPOINTMENTS,,AND TRY TO RATION HIS MONEY SO IT DOESNT GO TOO QUICK,BUT HE BULLIES ME INTO BPUTTING MORE AND MORE IN HIS ACCOUNT AND HE HAS NOT DONE WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD WITH IT,,WHEN I ASK HIM WHAT HE NEEDS MORE MONEY FOR ITS THE SAME ANSWER FROM BEFORE..IM SO CONFUSED ABOUT HIS LIES AND IF HE IS SINCERE OR NOT HE IS VERY CHARMING SO HE WILL BE VERY NICE AT TIMES SMOOSE UP TO ME, I DO SPECIAL THINGS FOR HIM I MASSAGE HIM RUN HIS BATHES I AM THE CONDUATE FOR HIS SEX,HE IS A GOOD KISSEER BUT IS VERY SELF INDULGENT AND GREEDY FOR ONLY HIS PLEASURE,,I AM QUESTIONING MY SELF WORTH IM DEPRESSED I HAVE LOW ENERGY I ACHE IT VERY DIFFICULT TO BE INSPIRED TO DO ANYTHING FOR TWO WEEKS AFTER I LEAVE IT TAKES AWHILE TO RECOVER,THATS WHEN IM ALL ALONE AND HE GIVES ME THE SILENT TREATMENT AND AVOIDS CONVERSATIONS WITH ME AND TOO BUSY AND LATER I FIND OUT HE HAD TWO GIRLS THERE ,ONE IS A GOOD FRIEND AND IM COMFORTABLE WITH BUT THE OTHER ONE HE HAD REQUSTED COME OVER TO DO THE ONLINE STORE..THAT TO ME IS SO DISRESPECTFUL AND HE MAKES OUT LIKE IM OVER REACTING. SO I SAT THER ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE WITH AND SAID THAT IM SO UNHAPPY SO CONFUSED AND HURT THAT HE DOESNT HAVE ANY REGARD FOR MY FEELINGS THAT IM NOT OK WITH LISA CONSTANTLY REMINDING ME OF WHAT HE DID,HE SAID HE NEVER DID ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH HER IT WAS JUST FANTASY ON PAPER,,MY GIRLFRIENDS HUSBAND JUST CHEATED ON HER AND HE IS STILL TALKING TO HER ON THE PHONE AND WONT STOP AND WANTS TO STILL OPENLY BE FRIENDS,MY HUSBAND PAUL SAID THAT THAT WAS NOT OK THAT HE SOULD STOP BUT ALSO SAID SINCE HE HIMSELF HAD NO SEX WITH LISA HE SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO HAVE HER FOR A FRIEND,THIS SUBJECT CAME UP AGAIN LAST NITE ,,AND I HAD TO EXPLAIN AGAIN IM SO DEPRESSED AND SO DOWN AND DISAPOINTED THAT HE WOULD EVEN CONSIDER HURTING LIKE THAT AND TELLING ME HE STILL WANTS HER COMPANY USING THE EXCUSE THAT THEY TALK SO THAT HE CAN KNOW WHATS GOING ON WITH EVERYONE,,,I TOLD HIM IF HE SEES HER OR TALKS TO HER I WILL NOT BE OK WITH THAT AND THAT I WILL NOT SURVIVE THE DREADED REJECTION OF MY NEEDS ,AND THAT I WILL GET A DIVORCE,,HE CRIED FOR AWHILE AND I SAID I THOUGHT YOUD BE RELIVED TO GET RID OF ME AND HE SAID NO, THEN WANTED TO KNOW IF COULD STILL HELP ME WORK ON MY HOUSE.I FELT HE WAS REALLY GOING TO BE SAD FOR LONG AND WOULD GET OVER CRYING FAST AND JUMP TO HIS NEXT HOSTAGE QUICKLY AND USE ME AS THE MAIN TOPIC OF COMPLAINTS ,ME THE HORRIBLE MEAN ABUSER AND HIM THE VICTEM, WHAT AM I DOING?? I HAVE ALL THESE THOUGHTS AND I AM SO HURT AND ANGRY SOMETIMES WHEN HE GOES AGAINST MY REQUESTS AND NEEDS AND AGREEMENTS THEN OTHER TIMES HE CONVINCES ME ITS ONLY MY IMAGINATION JUST RELAX,,I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE,,CAN SOMEONE CLUE ME IN GIVE ME SOME OF YOU INSIGHT,THANK YOU YVONNE
I could relate to parts of the article and kept having the feeling that I am a gaslighting victim our American culture. Tom’s own story helps me understand this, but somehow, being completely on my own, I now have to figure out a way to make it work. But things are in a very different place from when I was a kid. And as I grew things changed and got ugly and my journey thru it is to be a captive victim of it. I know in myself true right and true wrong, it is all about the will and ego and whether they are yielding and accommodating like I have seen in other cultures that have a genuine kindness in it but in America we are living systematically abused lives. Newt Gingrich is just naked evil. It’s a good thing I get culture jamming TV programs. It helps keep me sane. And now with Bernie, people are waking up and finding each other and joining together to take back their government.
I do think the definition of abuse needs to be rethought again & again. As you point out “hurtful” so therefore harmful. In the absence of physical abuse the flesh is not wounded, however the being, the soul or how we define the formlessness that we are in a physical body is indeed being abused. Violence is simply being directed toward what the eyes cannot see so seeing through the eye not with the eye is what is needed. It can be a very slow death not understood by the victim & not noticed by onlookers for what it really is. Nonetheless it is REAL.
Dear abused,
Feel really sorry for you. Please read the work by Gail Meyers. You may feel related.
echorecovery.blogspot.com
I feel for you. At least you have a supportive spouse.!
Great article, good description of what I experienced at work. My boss used most of these techniques on me, I began recording our conversations because they would say “I’m wondering about you, were you in the same conversation as I was? That was not what I said at all.” Well most of our meeting were behind closed doors, so I wondered about my sanity, after 10 years I was having health issues and stress. Once I discovered what was happening everything unraveled.
I’ve been out of work for a year, going to a psychologist and getting some help. How in the world can I rebuild my confidence, my real self has been lost for so long, just coming to grips with that now. Definitely PTSD symptoms, ask my spouse.
It’s really hard to get work, do sales or run anything when you doubt everything about yourself.
I wish there was an article about how to walk this out. The last sentence in the article felt very patronizing. I don’t have much hope and I’m out there trying to find my way in my 50’s.
I also am a victim of a narcissistic mother. I agree there is not much out there avoid children of narc mothers.
In addition we are all involved in a family business so I have to deal with this from many angles continuously.
It’s good to hear there are others. I also have tried for many years to fix it. My father is also under her spell.
I Could not talk to anyone until just recently I have a few close friends that are seeing this psychological abuse. This is helping tremendously to see them in awe when I tell them what she really does and says.
I can tell you this was difficult and it took a long time to get my friends on board. I am so greatful for them right now.
I am 49 years old and still have not found a way out.
Frank
This is the non-violent side of domestic abuse. Just as hurtful.
Thank you for your clear and concise story about how a narcissist erodes confidence and how that might work.
I am also a child victim of this and at 35 I’ve now seen how I’ve and why I searched out that type of man. Its the ptsd from childhood and I hope that real recovery begins now for me. I see it at least that’s a great start
I got gaslighted by my boyfriend at university for two years. It was very intense as we spent almost every single day together in the first year, he lived close to me at home and opposite me at university. It started off with the amazing 8 months at the beginning then slowly the shift occurred. Suddenly I was to blame for every single thing that had gone wrong in our relationship, he isolated me and manipulated me into thinking I was crazy. Sat across from me and lied to my face, said my friends were all liars, isolated me even further. Then when I got physically ill he dropped me. Said he loved me but that he was too hurt to carry on and blocked me on everything.
Still recovering from the illness but he is gone from my life and I have graduated!
Hi,
Nothing helpful or insightful here. I have just been for an access bars treatment, trying to get myself into a better place, and was told to look up gaslighting. Your letter resonated with me except I have been married for nearly 40 years.
Like you I feel that his behaviour is unintentional and have no anger. I have reached the conclusion though that I would be much happier without him and it feels that I will only manage to recover myself back on my own. It seems a lot harder to work through this with him and difficult to leave. Having just made more sense of the situation though I am confident that somehow things will change. It is just so painful.
Best wishes to you and may your future be courageous and joyful.
I just want to say I agree. I have relatives who are narcissist. Ive overcome their psychotic attempts to drive me insane. First off they are relatives not family two separate meanings. It will help you emotionally deattach from people who let’s face it could not give a dayum about you. Also knowing and caring two separate things. I may know what they are doing but actually caring will distinguish your reaction. If you care your likely more unstable and unable to cope with their diabolical schemes. What seperates you from being a narcissist is your ability to take responsibility for your own actions. The narcissist is irresponsible they are weak in the sense they blame you for everything and they take no responsibility for their own actions which in their minds they are the victim. In reality they are victimizing. The truth is the reason they hate you so much is because they have become obsessed with you.They talk about you, you are the first person they think of when they wake up and the last person they think of when you go to sleep. They often gather in groups plotting and planning their next move on you and lose sleep. Because they lose sleep over you they will try to disturb your sleep. If you can control someone to were they lose sleep over you. You control their lives. But narcissist have NO lives they find yours so interesting and intriguing that they have to work 10Xs harder to ruin yours. They hate that you get a lot of attention but unknowingly whether they are defaming your character or slandering you behind your back. They are cowards. Not to mention they are the reason for your recent fame. See YOU yourself arent that important and you know you arent because you dont like the attention. Infact the all eyes on you makes you uncomfortable. But they are the reason people who have never met you become your biggest fans and start to stalk you. They want to get close to you. They fantasize getting to know you. They find you fascinating.You may even develop secret admires. When people do like you. They will call you crazy. Name calling is a common tool they use its pretty elementary but then again most narrcassist will call you that because they recognize they are actually crazy. Normal people dont work that hard to ruin someone they just don’t care they disassociate themselves and move forward with their lives. Not to mention if your analytical you typically know the narcissist next move they are predictable and lack creativity. Nothing new under the sun. If they really wanted to destroy you they would reject you and give you no attention and move on with their pathetic lives. Once you give someone attention and then take it away you are more likely to create more damage.But they dont know this. I actually like being a lone and like attention so they actually add to myself esteem.It lets me know Im a pretty awesome person if someone is trying that hard to sabatoge me. But it does not stop me from moving forward with my life. Especially since I’m focused and my mentality is a moving forward one. Always! Whatever hits me doesn’t stop me. It never will. Only death can do that and suicide isnt an option. I never had an ego. But thanks to them I do now.
They choose us because we are the light to their darkness. Their suck our vitality. They suck the life from us. They don’t choose us because we are we weak. When they gaslight us they are projecting their own nonsense on to us. It helps disguise their narcissism when we are the “crazy, “bad” or “irrational” ones. They actively attempt to decrease the moral distance between the abuser and their victim.
I came from a family of narcissists. I have it in my DNA. But I can’t be like them.
I want to advice everyone to get online NOW and find material on psychological abuse. Empower yourselves. There is so much out there. You all know that the dynamics are subtle. We have to read, read, read and read more about it, so that when it’s happening – we realise. Can I recommend: Sheep In Wolf’s Clothing by George K Simon, Who’s Pulling Your Strings? by Harriet B Braiker, the amazing Stalking The Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen and Master Dealing With Psychopaths by Transcendence on Amazon. There are so many. Plus, it’s cheaper than therapy.
No matter what I read though, I still can’t understand why I person would drag family through abuse. But then again, I’m not a nut job.
This helped me find closure on myself. I have been sick of reading what a narcissist is rather than how they are affecting their victim. But I have come to the point where my head is so heavy and my energy has been stolen. And I feel like I am inwardly deceasing. I am a child of a narcissistic mother. I feel suffocated and lost my strength to try. My father is blindsided by her. And it angers me because I don’t have a single idea on how to cope with this. My whole life I have tried and tried. Opened myself up to be shut down by my mother’s manipulation to make me seem like a compulsive liar. Truthfully it hurts to think. I need help. I need a way out. No one talks about children being the victim, only partners. I’m not the only one. But it feels like it.
Where and how do you recover? Where do you find help when everyone thinks your crazy.
A few days ago the light of realization flipped on. My husband of almost 20 years has been gaslighting me for most of that time, along with a fair amount of passive-aggressive behavior. It’s been pretty subtle — no yelling or physical abuse. Yet the check list of doubts and behavior of someone who has totally succumbed to being treated this way fits like a glove. I am 71, and he is 66. I am in good physical health; his is only fair.
My husband often feels like a victim of Life’s difficult circumstances. He didn’t have an easy childhood, though I’m not sure how accurate what he’s told me is. His father was career military and expected a lot of his kids. My husband was married for about 20 years to a woman who came out as gay after they had been married for about 15 years. She did this during a hospitalization for extreme paranoid behavior. He was a pharmacist in the service for 22 years, and did have some problems with the military mindset, but planned to put in 30 years. He had a medical discharge for serious physical health problems.
It may be naive of me, but at this point I don’t/can’t believe that his behavior is deliberate and planned. I have seen several examples where he is genuinely not aware of silly, unnecessary little lies that just pop out of his mouth. I feel that he is somewhat mentally ill, and his behavior is a symptom of that. I think that he is truly unaware of his behavior and that he would/will feel ashamed of it were he able to face it.
I don’t dislike him, and I’m not terribly angry. I guess I feel hurt, though somewhat compassionate toward him for whatever within him would make him feel that he had to treat me this way.
My question is, is it possible that I will be able to regain enough of myself that I can stay in my marriage, protecting myself from futher damage?
I would really appreciate your insights and/or comments.
Hi Samara! Maybe you can look online for nearby centers that help with abuse? (Google abuse center + your location?) There are ones like that here in the States. I’m sure they should have some sort of free therapy or group therapy there? If they don’t have the former, they should definitely have free group therapy. Even if the site only mentions physical abuse you should still contact them. They should have resources that help you cope and possibly separate from him, should you choose to do so.
Also if you have healthcare that covers therapy you should definitely go. If he controls the money you might not be able to pay copay but if there is no copay definitely go. They legally can’t tell him about what you talk about in those sessions so you don’t have to worry about him finding out what is going on there.
Also maybe you can start a free hobby that you can go to meetups with to make friends there? (Try Meetup.com) For example, boardgames are a big thing now and online you can find meetups to play boardgames with people. You don’t need money–many of the fans of these meetups bring their own games for everyone to play. Obviously you don’t need to do this particular hobby (this is my example) but I’m sure there are similar meetup groups available. If you become good friends with someone at these meetups you can tell them about it.
Feel free to contact me if you ever want to chat. My flavor of abuse came in the form of constant gaslighting and criticism from my mother and I’m still struggling to deal with it. Ugh! I’m so happy I went to therapy though, it makes a huge difference!
I have only really recently worked out that my estranged husband ( now estranged for 6 years) had been gaslighting me for 20 years. The last 6 years he’s still managed to do it as we have had to have contact about the children but now my daughter ( aged 13) has left his care and my boys have left home i am beginning to finally piece it all together. I feel a being stupid not to have seen it before especially as I have a Psycholgy degree but relieved that i can now do something about it especially now the children do not live with him. However, I worry about how his behaviour may have affected them in the 6 years we shared care.
It’s great to be back in control and to no longer feel like I have to listen to his torrent of put downs and rages ( the reason my daughter also left his care). Part of me still wants to fix things but i have had to accept that my empathetic personality and his will never understand one another and it’s an impossible task.
My mother was “gaslighting” me for years – but I never knew it. She would talk behind my back telling her brother and sister all kinds of lies about me – I was stupid, etc…I found out the hard way-after my father died, I began spending more time w my mother – every weekend and at night so she wouldn’t be alone. During the day when I was at work my fiancée and I hired his brother who works nights to keep an eye on her until I got there from work. He actually asked me, “why doesn’t your mother like you?!:She spends all day complaining about you!” I have no siblings, and promised my dad I’d always look out for her – and that is what I did — for 6 yrs only to have her call social services and complain to them I was never there (when I was), that I was feeding her (I was!- to include gourmet meals I’d bring over and all kinds of good things). They took her side immediately because of her age and badgered me with unbelievable lies-
it has been a hell since even after she passed away- I’m still trying to figure things out (her family is trying to take the house I grew up in) and I can’t get my own personal belongings out!
I guess I responded to your comment because your line “I can’t believe someone who gave birth to me could be so cruel…” really hit home (literally)
Is there a support group for people that have been gaslighted their whole life? I found out the term from a therapist I was seeing for anxiety caused by my being involved in a car accident (the driver that hit me was on the cell phone)— my mother’s first response was _ who will take care of me on the weekends? That was key in figuring it out, as well!
Sorry to go on here – but it helps to know there are many like us that have suffered at the hands of people that are supposed to love us!
Samara, my heart goes out to you. Surviving in, and escaping from domestic abuse can be a very lonely business. Especially emotional /psychological abuse. I am in Australia too, in South Australia. I am two years free of an 18 year psychologically abuseive relationship. I don’t have any local support group,. All I can offer is my own experience and my ideas. Regarding emotional abuse, there is no law against it here..there had been and still is a lot of taboo shame and stigma around domestic abuse, despite its prevalence. So if a person hasn’t experienced it personally, they usually just don’t know how to handle it if a friend asks for help. Awaremess is growing and the tide is starting to turn here slowly. So don’t give up looking for help, you just haven’t found the right people yet! It’s important to keep looking because I think having a support circle is essential to surviving gaslighting. Especially if and when you try to leave the relationship. If you plan to, please be very careful in your planning, because the time of leaving carries extra risk: the abuser can snap. It can still be done and I believe healing can really only happen after getting out of living in the abuse. I found it very difficult to have the mental strength to get out, precisely because of the gaslighting effect! That’s why I think it’s so important to plan well. Don’t show too much resistance at this stage or the abuse could ramp up before you’re ready for it.
My mother dumped 2 of her kid to care, remarried change the other 2 siblings last names,I have a daughter who now hates me,the sister I was in care with hates me after taking her son when she was going to lose him to the Ministry,my other 2 siblings hate me, there’s not one picture of me in her house! I can’t believe someone who gave birth to me could be so cruel
Me and my sister where put in to care after my mom met her husband when I was 15 my sister 14.my other two sisters had there last names changed,of and on contact while we were in group homes witch was very traumatic,when I was 30 me and my girlfriend had a baby girl,my mother was not in her life,we split up after 8 yrs because I was having seizures,not realizing they were due to stress I was seeing my daughter every weekend thanks to the brain injury society,I was diagnosed with a brain injury and was having seizures from the age of 12, but realized later it was not the cause of my seizures,as my teen got older my ex-girlfriend started taking my daughter to my mom’s,like my siblings she now hates me, my sisters who was in care with me for years Los her due to her being on drugs so me and my girlfriend took her son in with us,but they all hate me now
Hello. I am in desperate need of assistance. I was taken in by a malignant narcissist (I didn’t know it then) and moved to another country to be with him. Shortly after arriving he turned on me. The abuse is still on going. I almost lost my sense of self in the process, but I kept asking why until I figured out what he really is.
I know now what he did and how I am just a game for him. I am in another country, isolated and cut off from his family who he turned against me when I arrived. I have no friends, no job and I am over 50 now. I am struggling to get my independence back. He controls the money and my self esteem isn’t what it was when we met 5 years ago.
I have learned a lot over the internet about these vampires, but I need a connection with people in person. I am alone all of the time except when my husband wants to have a go at me. I keep my distance; now that I know what he is.
I call america when I need to talk with someone who really knows me, but I need to connect with people here. I am still in Hell. Any suggestions? I have tried to talk to some people here in Australia, but no one wants to get involved. I feel more alone then when I am just by myself.
I gave up so much to be here and have nothing to go back to in america. I also dont want him to do this to someone else.
Would really appreciate if there is somewhere I can go to connect with others who understand what I have and still go through.
Thank you for giving me a chance to share.
Hey Kai–
I hope you can get away from all the insane people in your life. I’ve always liked the expression, ” god doesn’t make junk!” And I have clung to that saying in dark times. I survived a very insane husband who just went nuts in our marriage. Actually he was always nuts. I’m the one who finally figured it out. The best cure for me has been to be away from him. He draws my kids into drama and convinces them I am bitter and selfish and touched in the head for not wanting to talk to him. They actually think this about me! I’ve been divorced from him 20 years! The insanity is always there– my part has been accepting he will never change and that IM NOT JUNK! Prayers to you– you are a survivor! Peace—jane
I am 47 year old female,victim, and survivor of gas lighting since the day I was born. Hard to believe that a woman can give birth and do this evil to a child. Good news is that she made go to a physiologist as young 12 or 13, determined to have a Dr. Say yes there is something wrong with your daughter. Her plan backfired , because the more I went, more I realized it wasn’t me it was her. She was verbally and physically abusive. Even though my (father) wasn’t physically abusive he is just as guilty because he never stopped her. I now have severe back problems from the years of abuse, because it never stops even when you are an adult. At age 18 she kicked me out of the house, best thing that could have happened. I moved away, and worked several jobs to make it on my own and did. At age 30 married had a child, tried to keep just a cordial relationship, but anyone who has gone through this knows the narsasist will not let that happen. I have a brother that is four years older, and yes she has played us against each other. Sadly I know this, he refuses to admit because then he would have deal with it. So therefore she makes him choose me or her. At age 33 or so I was trying to do the right thing by letting them see their grandson. I went when my husband was at work, big mistake, I remember calling him on the way telling hm I had this gut feeling something bad was about to happen. I now know my truth and don’t let anyone who does not about things like influence me in any way! Long story short, I was right, she attacked me, would not let me get my child, so I finally got to my car called 911. Got my child drove away and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. That was the day I said ” No More”, not to my family! Had to cut off all communication in order for me and my family to live a normal and loving life. We do everyday. I have never stopped going to therapy because it has helped me through this, even my husband gone with me as well for him to better understand me. I made it my life’s mission not to repeat the bad mistakes that were done to me or taught even brainwashed into thinking. As if I had do deprogram myself. I would tell my husband the beatings I could take, it was the emotional trauma that is what I have to work everyday. I guess that is why I feel as though I’m bulletproof. I am not ashamed to speak my truth now, just hoping others out there can find help.
Wow! As a child and teenager, I was never around my sister that much, we are 8 years apart, never close. By the time her behavior started to interfere with my life I was living on my own. I thought she was a “drama queen”. After awhile, it became more like an obsession to control, to be right. I just walked away, hung up on her or stayed away. After all, we weren’t living under the same roof. Even so, she would call and ask how I was. These “check in calls” turned into lectures, telling me what i should be doing and when. Traditional family holidays became a nightmare. Even 2-3 hours around her judging, smiling face, made me cringe. Years have passed and I have been cordial for my parents sake. Eventually, as aging parents, moved back to the same city I live in. My sister lives 2 1/2 hours away. So, my sister would start coming up to visit folks every other weekend and asked that i drop by. this created constant arguing. At first, I would drop by, victory for her. I dreaded it so much, but I wanted folks to think everything was fine. So, I would call her in advance and tell I would not be able to come over on her visit to avert the inevitable invite in front of folks, to which she would be so hurt. After all, she just loves me! When I refused to be part of the emotional blackmail, she would have dad call me. Unbelievable! Finally, I told Dad, I was sorry, but I couldn’t come over just because my sister wanted me tool He hated that we didn’t get along, but my sister blamed me for it of course. First Mom passed, then Dad. I will interject here: After we buried Dad, I was leaving the house, I glanced back at my sister and remember thinking, at least i won’t be bothered by her unless i choose too. That says a lot. When Dad passed, my sister seemed to have changed. I felt we had connected. Wow. Shame me once, shame on you, Shame me for the 1000th time, shame on me! EVERYTHING in this article is a perfect reflection of my sister, how i reacted, step by step…what have i done, how could i walk into this nightmare, to believe she had changed? Before I could walk away, right now I can’t. My sister is trying to render me powerless in my parents estate. I have gone berserk. Such cunning is hard not to REACT TO. I don’t know. Play along, till its over and watch my back. The article stated perfectly what my sister does! A smear campaign. Turns everything around on me, I misunderstood, or she didn’t say that. I have constantly implored her to be reasonable. She refuses to listen, then accuses me of causing problems. I sound insane. Who believes this stuff? I do.
It took a while to reach the bottom of the comments but I really appreciated this article. 6 years ago my sister in law came to live with us and forever changed my wife’s mental and emotional well being. She only stayed for 6 months but in that time my wife went from being very active, working, going to college, and running the house to barely being able to leave the bedroom. Even now she is just starting to get her self confidence back to a point where she is starting a photography business. I honestly think had she not had me and her friends there to support her and confirm that her sister was indeed crazy and she wasn’t to blame for her behavior that she would be in much worse condition.
Even so, her sister duped the whole family.. making up fantastical lies that were later negated by their mother. But all these years we’ve never been able to put a finger on exactly what she did to all of us, especially my wife. My therapist called her a “mind fucker” which pretty much describes gaslighting but it wasn’t until I read an article about Trump and his own gaslighting behavior that it all clicked. This was exactly what she did. She would yell and berate and then play like she was the victim. She refused food we gave her and then told people we starved her. She said she hated her mother and never wanted to see her again but recently has contacted their mother and told her that we prevented her from contacting her (we gave her their mom’s phone number…). She already had our trust and affection as my wife’s long lost sister so she quickly progressed to phase 2.
Thank you for putting a label to this craziness. It does in many ways describe most abusive behavior. I can see a lot of my ex’s tactics in all of this but narcissists take it to a whole new level of insanity.
BYW, for us grammar nazis… you may want to make some edits before you repost this article. It is amazingly written but not very well edited. I blame autocorrect lol.
Dear Anne,
You are so strong to separate yourself. Please stay far away from him. The same happened to me, not by a parent, but a spouse. No contact, if possible. I truly believe there are few things so destructive to a person and the amount of strength you have is incredible and admirable. Seek out caring professional support and resources, because you will have moments when you will not feel strong and you deserve strength, peace and happiness.
My thoughts and prayers for you
finally escaped, I have been suicidal for years and my body packaging up, tied to save my mum from him, my dad but upped abuse to point where se had a heart attack yesterday and he said she was mentally ill, he’s been goading me to commit suicide all last year and picking out everything wrong with me, threatening me with getting my car crushed, talking abut my funeral and that I, m killing my mother, as well as blocking my ability to study and trying to get me arrested every week for abusing him, which I don’t, he just threatens me I try to stand up to him and he then makes out I hit him, abused him, calls the police, its been total chaos felt numb, suicidal and lost will to live, but decided today I cant take anymore of anything from him, been none stop hard-core threats for decades.
feel more at peace knowing can escape.
Thank You for your comment. I’m currently married to a man who is a narcissist. Reading what you wrote really helps me realize what I’m up against.
This sounds like what John Ramsey did to Patsy Ramsey to get away with his crime.
OK Gents and Ladies.
I have just stopped and walked away from my Wife of 5 years. this text written by Mr. Kyle, above , is a close version of my own story….
When Mr. Kyle states, I quote. “They’ve already learned that forgiveness will come and they don’t have to”
Describes that a Narcissist will always do what a narcissist does best. And that’s using their partner for their own benefit.
Look fokes… everyone person on this plant does the same , more or less, if they are allowed to. understand this…
You are your own master and you alone must set your boundaries and measure out the extend of the consequences if your boundaries are surpassed.
You must make it clear from the beginning what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.
The so called Narcissist will, and I repeat, will try you boundaries.
And when she/he does that , the consequences must fall hard and merciless.
This is the only language they understand. you alone set the punishment and you alone execute them. It is entirely up to you how to , and how severe.
I had experienced my wife, shouting and beating me, more and more and more. till one day I got enough, and I slapped her so hard she slide down the floor. needles to say she never touched me again.
Violence was done from her side.
When She cheated, she got a divorce. there is the only one way… what comes next I don’t care. but mutual Respect is the essence to be able to live together. I can take her back, but respect will be maintained and enforced.
Mr. Kyle should have stuffed down the To Do List in her throat, that’s the only thing than can restore respect to her man again…
I did not sate my boundaries from the beginning. big mistake…
consequences consequences consequences consequences consequences.
You will then be able to live together.
Yes. I believe that is true. I don’t think my husband intentionally thinks things through. It seems to be a survival mechanism that he does unconsciously. Although the more he does it, I think the more conscious it gets. I got the divorce papers and the courage to get out, so I will no longer be enabling him.
“You can threaten me with everything that rocks me to my core
But I ain’t afraid anymore”
Just something I wrote. I write as my therapy.
I was in the same kind of relationship for 25 years. Within the first couple years I knew I was dealing with a selfish narcissus. He was my comfort zone and yes I still miss him (never had therapy) there was never any physically abuse or shouting. Always passive aggressive but unfortunately the behavior was extended to our 3 children. They are all adults now and have been in therapy during different points of their lives. I’m now 10 years divorced (he left me) my children helped me get through the devastation of him leaving us because I was able to concentrate on their well being. I’m blessed in being able to see it for what it was. But I’m sure therapy is still needed for me.
I read the info online, bought the books and articles, and now am on the search for psychologist with experience in this.
During my marriage, I did always feel something wasn’t right and was always trying to fix it. Then this information came to me and I realized I have been suffering narcissistic abuse and Gaslighting for 22 years.
After getting this information, I went to my church leaders, family, and friends to get help only to get turned away. They acted like, whatever, suck it up. They didn’t take me seriously and had no idea the dramatic effect it has had on my life.
I feel like I’m reaching out for help and no one is there to help me. Is there anyone who knows a female psychologist in the Salt Lake area of Utah who knows this stuff? I am in desperate need of someone who understands my sufferings and can help me through it.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years that did this very thing to me. I never realized there was an actual term for it. People closest to me just told me that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Reading this article, and reading the comments really hit a nerve. I have been out of the relationship for a year and reading everything – it’s like going back to that relationship. I couldn’t tell you how many times I would do something around the house and a fight would break out. I would do everything I could to make her happy and say that she appreciated anything I did. Hell, we got into an argument about where I put dishes after emptying the dishwasher. So I wouldn’t empty the dishwasher, then we’d get into a fight about me not emptying the dishwasher, even though she told me in black and white not to do it again. This was also the theme with mowing the lawn, cleaning around the house – well anything. I began to feel absolutely suffocated. I felt useless and worthless. She wouldn’t show any sort of physical affection and seemed to completely freeze me out of her life. I got to the point where I wouldn’t come home from work until she left for work, and if she was home, I would just go sit out in the garage and get drunk and avoid her. We got into an argument one night about her to-do list around the house. I looked at it, and that started a really nasty fight and she told me to never look at her to-do list ever again, and she equated it looking through her phone. And that brings something else up – the dudes she would talk to and hang out with. One specifically. A friend of mine saw her out to dinner with this guy and she vehemintely denied it. The nauseous idea of it was that it was on my birthday and she had told me that she wasn’t going to be around for it because she was going out of town with her friends. Then when she was in shower, I went through her phone, and sure enough, she went out to dinner with him, but it was him she went out of town with. I flipped out, and she still denied everything, and somehow flipped it on me that I was losing my mind. UGH and I believed her. And I stayed. My son’s mom, we are no longer together, is the one who I called when I left my ex girlfriend’s house and she talked me down. I don’t even remember calling her exactly. My son’s step dad came over and picked me up and I crashed at my old house where my son and his mom lives with her new husband – of all places. I had completely lost my mind and any grip on reality that was left. Or so I thought. And they talked me into leaving her but then half of my stuff was moved out and somehow I got the idea I was making a mistake leaving my girlfriend. I thought all the problems were me being too sensitive, too needy, too dependent. Those are not qualities that describe me at all. My son’s mom and I are still pretty close friends, and she told me she didn’t even know who I was anymore because of this relationship. Eventually, I grew the balls to leave. My life has done a total 180 since, and life is great. I still struggle at times with withdrawing and becoming very passive, like timid. But I am a lot better, and I need to stop typing because I am flashing back, it’s getting tough to breathe and I need to continue moving on. But anyone still in a relationship like this, I know it’s hard. Believe me. But the time to go is now. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW. They will not change. They say they will, or they will try and they say they will put in the effort, but they don’t. And they won’t. They’ve already learned that forgiveness will come and they don’t have to. So please go. Your sanity will thank you.
Hi:
Glad I found this website. I believe something like this is happening to me in my job. I am an administrative assistant and I work in a small office with about 17 people, only one of which is female besides myself. Recently a coworker (he’s a business broker and our set up is kind of like the buy in at a real estate office). He has recently taken to nitpicking every little thing that I do. The last 2 times the boss was out of the office, he decided it was ok to send a flurry of emails to me and my female colleague about how he wanted things done and playing 20 questions as to why we are doing things a certain way, etc. This last time my boss was out, he came back to town and ended up meeting with the coworker who proceeded to complain about me (which I knew he was doing as he “needed to print things out for proof” and the use of “she”-pretty common way in which he refers to me even when I am sitting right there.) The next day I went to my boss, who is the managing partner (out of 4 partners) and we talked. I told him about this co-worker’s behavior when he is out of the office, how he’s been giving me the green light on work and having me roll it out to only turn around a couple days later and have me revise it all, and other issues. All in all a good talk. I felt heard and the response was positive. I noticed after that talk that CW was in a good mood. I firmly believe he thought I had my ass handed to me. So not the case. That afternoon he asked if I “had a second?”. I was doing work for another coworker and politely said “I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of something.” After that, his phone rang and we never talked. Next day I get called into my bosses office. I am told that he talked to CW and told him everything was good. CW replied with I wouldn’t help him. Mind you, I haven’t been happy about CW and have been somewhat cool about him complaining about me. This royally ticked me off. I told my boss exactly what happened. He asked if there was going to be an issue between me & CW. I told him that I would be civil and do the work, but anything beyond that is a no go. Last couple of days CW has started the bs again. He’s trying to make issues when there aren’t any.
I am pretty astute and not a push over. I was bullied in middle school and up to my senior of high school, but I stood up for myself. I am not a doormat. What I am is exhausted. I am tired of his relentless behavior of always trying to find fault and questioning things that have been in place for as long as I have been with the company (9 years) and before my time. I recognize that he is a narcissist and is trying to control me and how I do my job. I have pushed back. I’ve never liked being controlled. My gut instinct on this is that he thinks that since I am an admin assistant and that I follow company procedures, I am some sort of pushover. In the past, he’s tried to control how I do my job, but never to this extent. And he only seems to try to control those who will resist him. I suspect he’d like some sort of confrontation, most likely to get me in trouble or to get me fired (were that to happen, I say good luck in finding someone to put up with the bs I’ve had to over the years).
Just how do I go about maintaining my equilibrium and sense of doing a good job? Fortunately, he’s left himself a paper trail, so I can back up any claims. He does not like it when people push back. Unfortunately, he’s wasting time and he’s such a complainer, that I fear the boss won’t see reason. Sometimes, in an office setting, he who whines loudest wins. I am actively looking for work, but the thought of pursuing another admin job sucks the joy right out of me.
A cousin of mine engages in this kind of conduct, and he does it out of envy, and I stay away from him because everyone he knows of, who has ever met me, is someone he will gossip to in order to bad mouth me. Everyone I have ever met, whom he knows, is someone who has told me something or other that this cousin has said about me behind my back, and it is as if the guy is hell bent on destroying my reputation and trash talking me. It is bizarre. But it is not something that I am unfamiliar with, because I have come across a number of people like this, even in my own immediate family, and in work places, and in vacation spots, and in dating life! it is like the devil dwells in many people, and they lack the good sense to avoid doing the devil’s work, they believe that being mean and hateful gives them a sense of power. Morality feels like a constraint on them, and wicked conduct gives them a feeling of liberating their evil spirit.
I would not be surprised if your bf ex is gas lighting him. A whole lot of women engage in the practice, it is part and parcel of a practice known as “Sh-t testing”, which might also be referred to as “f-cking with someone’s mind”. All depends on the degree, as testing someone for truthfulness and dependability is one thing, but playing games with their mind to see how far they can go and what they can get away with is mental abuse. You might want to ask your bf questions that spur him to think deeper on what is going on, like: “Why do you suppose she said that, or did that?” People can wrongly imagine that the gas lighter is being reasonable, and therefore the problem rests with the victim, that is what gas lighting is all about, that is the definition, to view the perpetrator as behaving within reason, and for the victim to see themselves as being out of sorts, simply because the wool is being pulled over their eyes.
Let me share with you a story of the clever way in which I was gas lighting while growing up, this is when I was a very young boy, I was told that I should treat all people equally, to treat all people equally was to treat all people fairly, and it seemed to me that this made sense, because I grew up being treated unequally and unfairly, basically being thrown under the bus, while a sibling was placed on a pedestal. But, of course it was one of my abusive parents who was selling me this moral precept, and they were precisely one who was treating me unfairly and unequally, and in teaching me that one must always treat others equally and fairly, they were deliberately failing to teach me the truth, which is that one must DISCERN who is safe and who should be kept at a distance. They did not teach that if someone does not treat you in a fair and equal manner that you should avoid them like the plague, because that is the conduct they engaged in, they treated me unfairly and unequally, so that I was being misguided by the ill intention of hypocrites, which is known as mal-encouragement, being encouraged to follow a course which is not intended to bring about a positive or favorable outcome. It is almost as bad as if a parent had, for example, taken one child and given them a gift and a pat on the shoulder and told them that they were wonderful and filled their parent with pride, and then the parent turned to another child and stared at them with contempt after slapping their face, and proceeded to say that it was due to their jealousy, and so therefor they would not receive anything. It is like split thinking, where one child represents all that is good, and narcissistic supply, and the other child represents all that is rejected and projected. It is insane, but many families live out this kind of insanity as if they had downloaded software containing a psychological virus.
They do it because they get a “pay off” out of it. If you want to understand what they are getting out of it, turn it around and treat them the same disrespectful way they are treating you, and just watch THEIR reaction. You are likely to find that while they may casually dish it out, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, they will find it a bitter pill to swallow when it is served up to THEM. And that should tell you everything you need to know.
Hi River, Generally narcissists do not reflect and ask the questions you are asking.
We are all narcissistic to some degree, but to be diagnosed as someone with a narcissistic personality disorder they must show 5 or more of the 9 criteria that is laid down in the DSM (diagnostic Manual). You seem to be aware of certain behaviours you do not like in yourself, so if you wish to reform, then you could work on changing this in therapy. Most narcissists do not go to therapy for the simple reason they do not think there is anything wrong with their behaviour. You may have learned some of this behaviour in your environment growing up. I hope you decide to do some personal work on yourself so that you can challenge those behaviours you are not comfortable with. Regards. Christine.
After reading this I realize two things. 1) My mother is a narcissist and a gaslighter, and has gaslighted me my whole life and continues to do so today. 2) I myself am a narcissist and a gaslighter who repeats this same horrible interaction with my romantic relationships and only realizes how destructive I was and am in reflection. Can manipulation like this just be a reflex? Is the learned behavior from a parent become unknowing second skin to the parent and passed on t their children? My mother honestly does not seem aware of her behavior but that doesn’t make it any less painful. I also am unaware of how horrible or indifferent I am being after gaining the attention and affection from a partner. when I do realize my behavior is not appropriate and I should refrain from saying hurtful things I realize that my interest in the relationship is gone and I know I should move on. But yet I find it hard to do cause I don’t want to hurt the person and I enjoy being so adored. What steps can a narcissist take to reform being one?
hi,
I have a similar situation in the family, my bf was abusive, he used to hit me for months, and I had children from him. had to run for my life, he said he will kill me, and he was not only emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive, he tried to strangulate me, dono if this is gaslighting part or not.
Anyways, I blacked out for years, he had blunt emotions, cannot empathize with any feeling, cannot let go of his control, he never allowed me to leave the house on my own in our 3 year marriage. is controlling and beating considered gaslighting too?! or just the depression and brainwash?! because that was my mother, who denied me every feeling I have, and every decision I had to face her dismissive and difficult attitude. IT is all good now, both out of my life for good !
I prayed to God I would heal from the terrible situation I’m in and then I “accidentaly” stumble upon this page and realise That Im actually a victim of massive gaslighting done by a fortune teller . The damage she has done to my psýché is huge … and Im very happy to say that after all that I still have my hopes and dreams … which she made look unsignificant. It Was the most terrible encounter I have ever had in my life … I’m experiencing everyday battle between her and my opinions about my Future in my head and Sometimes im so ashamed i went to visit That stupid witch…Can anybody please help me or is practicing the sort of therapy this page talks about? You can write me here or on my email. Thank you 🙂
Can the narcissist be doing these things as a matter of habit and not necessarily intentionally? There must be another term for this sort of abuse. The person is definitely a narcissist, but seems to not really need the control aspect, but truly enjoys the put-downs and physical shaming.
I just learned this term ‘gaslighting’.
My mother was narcissist and a gaslighter. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t crazy, it was all her. I went through years of therapy.
Now I believe that my bf of 7 yrs was previously married to a gaslighter. He believes that he was abusive to her even though he cant remember it and he has never ever, in 7 years, showed any signs of being abusive towards me or anyone else. He tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized at the end of their marriage. His therapist told him that he must get so angry that he blacks out and thats why he doesnt remember doing it. They have children together so he still has to deal with her. He sometimes has anxiety attacks after talking to her.
I have to figure out how to present this information to him. I am worried about him getting depressed over finding out that he was the victim of abuse, not the other way around.
Just get away from them, Kai….you’ve made the most important step forward, entrusting your life to Jesus. I know the only way for you to move forward is to make a commitment to stay away from them for a period of time that you decide…..I think it needs to be at least 1 year. These people are very sick. Please pull away and get your life together, with the help of people who genuinely care.
Be aware that you have been programmed to be drawn to abusers, it will take you time to heal…..I am praying for you.
Health suffers too. Serum cortisol levels skyrocket. It’s a bit like adrenaline, but longer term, keeping you on high alert. This detracts from antibody production. One (non)girlfriend was so bad she hit me in the head with a hammer. She exploded like clockwork right when my cards were maxed, usually after about six weeks. Week one was fun. Week six saw me violently ejected, even from my own house. She would be gone for six months, usually returning in need of help moving into a new place. I moved her tacky furniture over and over. Her last furniture would be put into place place, then my replacement would appear. I got violently ejected Christmas day once, right after placing her tree–on top of moving her in there. A giant slot car set she requested sat gift-wrapped. Naturally that was gone before she placed me back on active duty again anticipating her next move. She toyed with us all in a loop. Another of her men, suitor #2, needed a malignancy removed after being abused two+ years. Suitor #2 moved away. Then I moved to Alaska. Suitor #3 had an aneurysm right after I left. He couldn’t walk or talk for many years. His brain surgeon saw two aneurysms in there. One should him, but no. His first aneurysm was apparently masked by his Jim Beam intake. His second Aneurysm ruined him. Seven years later the little ingrate homed in on my Anchorage rental, with new-girlfriend (suitor #4) and five pets in tow. I knew she would take my house by force. I would lose goodwill invested in my landlord. She would get me arrested on a bum rap. I’d lose everything there too. I had changed. I told her don’t cry foul. At around the six week mark she did cry foul. I had a restraining order all written up. She challenged me to call the cops, she’d win. I was squeaky clean. I stormed off toward the courthouse. I didn’t go there though. She was in panic-mode fifteen hours before I returned. Ha ha, just kidding, I said. Can you be out in a week? I asked. She and her entourage were gone in the morning. Nothing was broken or stolen. That marked my first survival. Effort I invested helping neighbors for seven years stood ready to back me up. It wasn’t necessary. I did it all myself. My reputation remained intact. Her new girlfriend was a hairdresser who commanded top dollar. They bought a fabulous house on her income alone. Poor girlfriend was dead of cancer inside ten years. Oncology prohibited the criminally abusive floozy from visiting her girlfriend’s deathbed. They see it all the time. I do too. I’m a trophypatsy. 23 women in a row tried to kill me. The most recent one baffled me. I knew she was innocent. I am innocent. I never deserved it. God’s cartoon character, I called myself jokingly. Flurries of deathblows missed me as though systematically. The hammerblow made it’s mark. That came from the only one who seemed truly evil. Maybe she was just the furthest gone. Going back over all my memories I see terrified eyes in all the faces who attacked me mercilessly. The stupefied mug below displays evil with glee. Innocence is alive in those eyes, alas powerless and mute. A mental three year old occupies the body. I’d get glimpses of it over and over. If I’m vulnerable it pounces instinctively, like a kitten playing with a mouse. It will kill me reflexively if vulnerability I expose could cause my death. Innocence behind those terrified eyes can mess the timing up on a deathblow, just enough to spare my life. I still see my own murder. Blindsided in every case I’m being told to run for my life. The body tortures innocence within itself by killing me. I’m loved deep inside each automaton of doom. Pushing me away spares that tortured soul from watching their own tampering paws from botching me up. I’m the only thing they care about. Murder attempts pushed me away. Spared in each case by a miscalculation, I detect intelligence beneath the simpleton. You cant help them. Their darkest fear is you will trust them. There is no self control. Trust becomes entrapment. Lure you, lull you, then they clobber you. Pop goes the weasel. Wearing us down little by little, it’s murder by numbers. It must be horrifying, riding inside of one’s own body powerless, now a passenger, watching your own paws breaking everything within reach, feral like a bear ransacking some campground. How would you warn people who trusted you? How would you wave them off, now and forever? Or maybe god’s grace spared me every time in a row. That idea gets more far fetched with each failed atrocity. How do we find those not smote? Look into the eyes. I hope this helps.
I am sorry for what you went through, I understand because I went trhough the same thing.You would have thought he gave birth to our children. He held our newborn and gushed over everything about her and the birth never mentioning me as I stood there next to him. It was ridiculous. He still acts like he is the only parent when speaking about our children, but he never actually DOES anything with them. School conferences, shopping, homework conversations about their day, does not tuck them in. Take them to do things they like to do. He takes them to the bar.
He doesn’t know our girls, they are just a tax return and monthly soc.security disability check to him.
It is so sad because they are wonderful girls.
His older daughters who are drinking age are now his drinking buddies. And so he would rather spend time with them. Of course they have been conditioned to hate me. I am fine with that. Keep them away. Thank God my girls are nothing like them!
I just found out about this after the recent end of a 2 yr relationship.
I thought I was losing my mind, AND that she was crazy.
Turns out I was half right, jk, kind of 😉
Seriously though, I loved the hell out of this woman, I’m 44, she’s 49, and for us both we said it was the best relationship we’d had. Amazing chemistry.
But for a few days almost every week, after a few month in, things would go completely off the rails for reasons that seemed insane in their trivialness, or just plain seeming unttruth.
She was always being told negative things about my friends and family by nameless others. My Mum and my ex before her maintained a loose friendship, even though she was completely out of my life. They had become friends. I was fine with it.
She was constantly being told by the faceless friends also that my Mum and her thought it was a big joke, and that she would talk at her work about how she was still friends with my Mum. All totally out of character.
It was endless, and there was seemingly never ending hurts inflicted by me on her.
I thought, after it ended for good, that I was just really heartbroken, and longing for what had been, when it was good.
But finding a post on this gaslighting, and now reading further into it…it fits my scenario to a damn T. EVERYTHING.
Reading about the recovery process, and especially the no contact….I have been breaking down like crazy. I creep her fb to see how she is already moving on, happy and looking to date. I know I have to stop.
I read about the effects, the damage, it is spooky in its relevance.
I am happy to have this knowledge, but very alarmed and scared for my mental health, moving forward. I am a positive, upbeat, people person…and yes I have a constant need for self approval and feeling liked.
I am scared, but armed with powerful knowledge and the tools I need.
My heart is devastated, knowing there will be no resolution, or her becoming aware of her illness.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Love, can be dangerous to your health.
Thank you.
Hi there! Thanks for posting this!
How did you manage to keep your daughter untainted by the Narc? Did you have to go to court?
I have an 11yo lovely daughter, joint custody with the toxic man who is gaslighting the living life out of her brains!..so depressing!
Our relationship is starting to fade under his evil power of toxic influence, I am depressed.
Any tips? I need inspiration!! How did you get a great relationship with your daughter despite your narc ex?
Hi Rachel, I know what you are going through. I’ve been married for 8 yrs with a 2 yr period prior to marriage fraught with lots of back-and-forth like yours. I fell for “I’m strong enough and smart enough to make this relationship work” not realizing I was sabottaging my own needs for intimacy. I had felt the need for validation from the Narc. Of course, I did not know he was a narc and never even heard about it (the media should do a better job at educating the public about such natural disaster before they get to procreate).
I separated when I realized I wasn’t myself anymore. Thank God for friends who know me. And for reading a lot about confidence, difficult personalities etc.
All I can say is… DISTANCE! And boundaries! That’s the only thing that works. Now I have a 11yo who is being gaslighted herself against me… I feel terribly sad and depressed but I know I have to be strong for her.
Get out of this toxic relationship now! Delete his contact! Set up your email so that anything incoming is sent to junk mail (and don’t look!). Have the junk mail empty itself every day. Guard yourself against him. You deserve better than this!
I regret deeply having had a child with him. Distance works.
If you are in Canada you can get a referral from the family doctor to a psychotherapist MD all for free. You might be able to do that in the US too, it might cost you a little; or nothing if you are outpatient.
Have a friend with you in your journey of recovery- it helps you get out of bed.
When I was young and poor, I had a narcissitic boss. She criticized me constantly in front of visitors to the office. She purred to the visitors, and never did a lick of work. She loaded all the work onto me as she sat and read the paper, only to jump up, hug, and warmly greet any visitor. I was never allowed into these conversations–I had work. When the visitor left, she denounced the person roundly. It was a hellish 15 years. I could not find work elsewhere because she blacklisted me with all the other like positions in town.
My “friend” was also a narcissist. I had to visit her house whenever she wanted me to, even if I claimed I had other plans. I took this because I had nothing else, no other place to go, and I had been brought up to be polite.
To top that off, I met a man who was a narcissist. He gaslighted me and put me through the paces of idealization and discard. It was traumatizing. Thank God, I had an uncle with the wisdom to give me the advice I needed to free myself. God bless him.
Today, I have a narcissistic niece, badly brought up by her awful mother to be the most horrific of narcissists. She gaslights, lies, blames, and torments me.
It all leaves me wonde3ring if narcissistic personality disorder is not MUCH MORE COMMON than the statistics show.
Finally, though, I know what this syndrome is, and can cope with it better.
My experience took the definition of gas lighting to another level, literally. 6 years of a group effort to break me down strategically and mercilessly. My beautiful monster was the extreme of both sidez and i fell hard in love with them him. Then one day i a man poured gas on my home and lit it on fire. I was caught in the flames and burned , and i fell again. * the sacrifice and result of in all appearances was a small debt owed by my boyfriend . That day i thought he saved my life. But apperances can and sometimes are decieving. Is that why he disappeared n left me on the sidewalk . Not to be seen only heard of only to make me feel at fault . No remorse. N i let him back months later ,i needed to kno that this isnt wat i think it is. But now i kno
I wish I had found this post while I was in this type of relationship. I was with exactly this type of person for five years and I recognise the “stages”. It took a long time to recover from this relationship and even 10 years later I am still haunted by things I let happen to me. I wasn’t able to describe it to friends and family, so I just said nothing. My advice is, if you are in one of these relationships find a way to combat it. Get out of it or point out their gaslighing ways. You have to be smart and strong to survive these people.
If you read this, you’ve already seen the writing on the wall. I had a friend who gaslighted me, so I have somewhat of a background in this. I think you need to leave him. It won’t get better. Only worse. You can’t try to change someone like that. Make sure you tell your family and friends what he’s doing, too – so you have some support.
Don’t kid yourself when you say he’s not abusive. He IS abusive.
My partner of 4 years has control issues. He makes me feel like my thoughts, emotions and opinions are below him. When I try to speak up for myself he just shuts me out. We have never been able to have an adult discussion because he says im always starting stuff, and blames me for all our arguments. I often wonder why he stays with me and why I stay with him, we have a child together, and since the baby was born he has expressed several times that the baby comes first. I know this is true in all family’s kids always comes first but its different with him. When the baby was born he took over as if he had just given birth to my baby. Not letting me comfort the baby when he needed , its like he just took over the infant stage, and I was just the nanny diapering and feeding our baby. Now he has so cold to me.He cant ever pay me a compliment, if anything he just finds things to bicker about, and the moment I disagree its a huge fight where its all my fault. Everything is my fault, on top of this my children from A previous relationship have to deal with it too. He cant ever be positive or say something positive to them, despite saying he loves them, is this love I wonder? He feels being brutally honest is the only way he can be no matter whose feelings are hurt. Going against his ways always ends up in a fight. He is not abusive,he has a huge heart, and very smart. I wish there was a way I could make him see how unfair he is being and how his ways are effecting our family. Is there a way to make him see that this is not a normal way of treating people.
Rachel, please know you are not alone!!!!! I am there with you too. Is there a way we can talk? I don’t know if we can post email addresses. If we can, please let me know and I will be happy to listen to you. I am going through this too…..YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Go somewhere like a library or coffeehouse, somewhere in your usual routine, & call the peole here.
http://www.thehotline.org
1-800-799-7233
sending love
It’s a Monday – Friday, 9-5 thing, but the Domestic Violence Hotline is there to help people like you in positions like these. The number is 1-855-812-1001.
It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse. Often the early stages aren’t.
You posted this a month ago – are you doing any better? Would like to hear back.
Rachel,
Stay strong and get out! No contact is the ONLY way to regain your sanity. I was the victim of a female N. I thought she was the love of my life. I was addicted to her personality, the sex and hanging out. Now I realize I was simply a pawn in her big chess game and my greatest way to get back at her is to simply ignore her. Keep a mood log and I thin you”ll discover you’re in much better shape 30 days after going NC than you are today.
Wow Ashley,
I can’t imagine what you experienced in this traumatic relationship and got out to tell the story- the gas lighting and being targeted for my weaknesses I can relate to but only subtly-I recognize it but then call him on what he’s doing- i never own it or let it affect me. I have never experienced the meanness or lashes out in anger or accusations so this has kept me in this perpetual not knowing if this is NPD or borderline with Narc traits. He suffers greatly emotionally- I’ve pushed him away for 2 years only random tries at a relationship again which never works and his profuse apologies..he is just incapable. The result is the same but with treatment Borderlines have good success rates.. Still they need to do the work ..there is no work and no relationship. Bottom line ..
I met someone new – an Empath – good man and relationship material.. I still yearn for the other ….
Congratulations in setting yourself free.. It is only us that can do it. I hope you were able to find someone who can value you and hope u are enjoying a successful career as a marital attorney. Enjoy the gifts of your learning…
Kai,
You are very aware and highly articulate and intelligent. You are in a very toxic environment and I hope you get out of it and fast. Move away- embrace your spiritual work- Jesus Christ or whatever resonates in your heart. I don’t know you and can see how you wrote the article and put your ideas together you are not crazy. However difficult, find it to put it together .. At least your aware and you don’t have to believe them- sounds like that’s what’s saving you- start a life a alone and far away from all those disturbed people wish you all the best
Angela, Your fierce-ness realy comes across through your words! I’m going to borrow some of your sass, until i regrow my own… Sad Kitty, I hope you find peace <3 I'm yellin back at those damn,ugly voices! BE GONE! …. "She has beauty in her roar"
Get out. Run. You CAN do this!!! Go to the YWCA for help. They often help women get out of abusive situations. Please don’t be ashamed and don’t hold back. These people are pros. Please get away from him. Sever ties completely. Don’t worry about what you might be losing because yo9u will regain yourself and your life.
Leave, Leave now and never look back. No contact is the only way to get out of this…and for your own sake and health you HAVE to get out of this. I’ve been through this and reading this article again makes me anxious…talk to friends and family, find a way to get out of this situation if you live with this person.
Learn as much as you can about narcism and emotional abuse, move away from the source, and start healing process by promising your emotional self that you will look after her. I had no moneh too, but access to internet, and a couple who walked with me and gave me the support when I moved away. You need somebody that you can trust a d that loves you. Then check also the qualities of an empath if you do not fall in that category and learn again who you are and buildt yourself. You will get healthy again. No contact with sourse till much later and when you move awah expect that source will come back worse than before, so no contact.
Look. YOU are very aware of what is going on , you are clear on this all.
You are smart capable wonderful amazing woman! YOU CAN and you WILL GET OUT OF THIS HELL HE IS KEEPING YOU IN.
THIS IS KEY, as with awareness you are able to see your options and choices.
And you have them, never think you are at his mercy. HE WANTS you to think this.
YOU ARE much stronger than you can even imagine.
So the only thing left to do is to leave.
No matter how terrified it seems YOU WILL AND YOU CAN SURVIVE!
i DID , AND WITH A BABY AND I HAD POST PARTUM DEPRESSION.
I found therapy though organisations, you need to go to the library if you can’t have computer access at home. and google ‘women abuse’ groups.
These can be held at YWCA, churches, hospitals, and so on, for free or a very low fee.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU WILL MAKE IT THOUGH THIS :)!
I KNEW IF I STAYED I WOULD KILL MYSELF OR HE WILL PUT ME INTO AN ASYLUM…
NONE OF THIS WAS AN OPTION BECAUSE I HAD MY CHILD!!!
AND I WAS NOT ABOUT TO END IT, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT GOD DID NOT PUT ME ON THIS EARTH TO DIE AND LEAVE MY BABY IN HIS CRAZY HANDS. NO WAY!!!!
I beg you to hold on dear. the light will shine..YOU CAN DO THIS.
There are so many women like you and in the group you will find support. Also it may be possible though organisations like the catholic family and child service, to find a free or low cost therapist.
You know YOUR REALITY. PERIOD.
The time to act is NOW.
Please remember this:
You are a GODDESS. YOU ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS AND TRIUMPH.
YOU WILL FIND SUPPORT WITH WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN THOUGH THIS AND ARE IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS AS YOU.
IT WILL TAKE TIME, IT IS NOT A ONE DAY FIX , YOU WILL HEAL…IT WILL HAPPEN.
THE FIRST STEP IS TO GET RESOURCES AND ALLIES.
SO: Support group, therapist, friends /family members to where you can run to and stay with …ETC.
NEXT: you LEAVE the sadistic son of a devil who is sucking the life and sanity out of you.
YOU LEAVE! With NO FORWARDING ADDRESS OR TELEPHONE NUMBER.
I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK AND I KNOW YOU CAN INDEED SAVE YOURSELF 🙂
*HUGS*:
SIGNED:
A SURVIVOR AND PROUD MOM OF A LOVELY ADULT DAUGHTER 😀
I think I’m caught in something like this and I need help. I’m emotionally dead and my depression is severe. This is a cycle. I messed up a lot too and made mistakes but he keeps putting me through the cycle of bringing me back and throwing me away. I’m so riddled with anxiety and depression to the point where I’m completely numb except when I have anxiety and panic attacks. I question my sanity and even my own existence. I can’t afford therapy and I need help. I’m at rock bottom.
Sad kitty…You are a wonderful beautiful PERFECT child of God. Sadly, I too have had several of these relationships. I am currently extricating myself from one right now, with great difficulty.
THEY are the problem. NOT YOU!
Your problem seems to be you “need” to have a partner to feel whole. At least that’s what it sounds like. But partners should NEVER make us whole. We should already be whole, if we truly want a healthy relationship.
My suggestion to you is to step back and concentrate on getting kitty better. That and NOTHING else. You’ll know you’re in a better space and more ready to BE a partner, once you’re perfectly comfortable WITHOUT ONE. I know that’s a scary proposition,but you can get there. You can heal. And you CAN LOVE WITHOUT BEING PENALIZED FOR IT.
If you don’t already have it, please get in depth, long term mental counseling for YOU. Let go of your fantasies of a great marriage FOR NOW. Replace it with the fantasy of a strong , self assured, confident, peaceful, HAPPY KITTY. You deserve nothing less than what Go intended.
Love, a fellow sister in the fight
PS. When those voices in your head show up again, maybe try doing what I do? I tell them to “leave in the name of Jesus. You have no power or authority over me. Be gone! I am a holy creature, a planting of the Lord. I am blessed and redeemed. I am beautiful and loved beyond measure. I can CHANGE. God actually sent his son to die for me, THAT MEANS I HAVE GREAT WORTH. and I call ANYONE to pray with me, there are 24 hr prayer lines at almost every big ministry.
If that doesn’t work…just keep telling them they’re wrong and to F*#@k off. YOU BE IN CHARGE. You ARE in charge.
Ted: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am taking your suggestions to heart—just what I needed to read today.
Kai-Thank God you found Jesus AMEN! I am so sorry for what you have lived through, my situation has not been to that extreme but as far as what you need, yes, get away from them ASAP. You have to protect yourself and they will not change. I prayed to God that my sons father would change and held on for 4 years of abuse. I’ve learned through God’s word that men’s will is stronger than Gods command and my ex supposedly is a Christian. It takes time to heal but you can, you just need to find a support group. Message me back if you want to connect and I would be happy to listen to you as you go through the process of healing, it’s possible and with God, He will deliver you and set your feet on high He did it for me and He will do it for you. Blessings!
Hi Dawn,
I pray that you stay away from him. Please make this time the LAST time. DO NOT be his supply of emotional energy. It took me 4 years to find someone but now I have a wonderful woman in my life and we have a beautiful baby boy. You can do it I send my prayers and well wishes your way. REFUSE to be a victim and CHOOSE to be a SURVIVOR!!!!
omg omg omg this is not me being crazy, crying seems to be my way of life these days and not a tear or two , i cry for hours . uncovering yhis gasslihgying term has given my coinstant anxiety and my slepplessness a break,if only for a short time, the relief feels awsome, i feel i have nobody that cares for me in life thank god i found you people, cuz you are my life now
Raised by a Professional Gaslighter, then on to multiple relationships with the same, the last being the worst. The most dangerous and the most violent Now five years later when I got him to leave with equal threats of self protection and violence, in a moment of sheer rage and fear; I find myself 30 days past an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and unable to interact socially in fear of meeting another abuser, unable to stop the negative messages in my head. The freedom has been equally as bad as the past 5 years. It is not all happy endings and Hollywood smiles.
You have to understand that you are putting a certain vibe out there that will attract that type of person. Not victim blaming, but this is factual. So in order to change your situation, you need therapy to break the mold. This is why often generations of families end up abusing the next the same way, they can’t break the cycle. Only way to get out of this cycle is to break it, via therapy…
Hi Kai, Unfortunately, men do get abused by narcissistic women, and that is for sure. I have worked with both men and women in recovery from narcissistic abuse, and both suffer equally (i.e. the manipulation, silent treatments, deliberate acts of chaos, the gaslighting, and co-dependency, etc.). Imagine a “virus”, it is just looking for a host to enter, it does not matter if it is a male or a female. Well, people with a narcissistic personality disorder is like “a narcissistic virus”………. they also want hosts (narcissistic supply), so they will act out their behaviour on both males and females. You are not alone in your thinking, most people do not expect a woman to be as destructive as the male counterpart, that is how many women stay under the radar. But actually, narcissistic mothers do a lot of damage to their children (boys and girls) behind closed doors. Regarding adult men, I think that men feel a lot of shame to say that they were abused by a woman, and they don’t seem to get the same kind of support from their friends, who sometimes treat it as a joke. It is similar on the support websites, women are more likely to open up on these sites and support each other. Stay safe. Christine
Thanks Diane, believe it or not, guys get abused too and that’s me. But I was told guys don’t get abused !
hello last chance to escaoe always one step than the other .have your goal in mind set good goals you will do it.don t give up.the death is far away dont give up.enjoy your beeing.make the best of it .one step, the other step you will see you made it.concentrate on your goal the brain will lead you to success
Dear Kai, No you are not worthless. You are a precious child of God. Please get help from a women’s domestic abuse center near you, or really ANY place that deals with domestic abuse. It will take strength to recover from this abuse, but you have more strength than you think. Just see how you are reaching out for help. You KNOW these behaviors are wrong. Listen to your heart. I send you love.
I almost threw up reading this article. It describes my mother, grandmother, father, stepmother, stepfather, uncle and aunt to a T.I am a worthless, inferior, retarded, sensitive, crazy, insane, violent looking, crazy , abnormal, ugly looking pussy that needs to do the world a favor and die ! Just tonight, my uncle was laughing his ass off about how he hit my cousin with a hammer and blamed my cousin for it! Said it was to teach him respect.My uncle almost killed me by choking me when I and my cousin told him on both occasions we would report him. He told us , if social services didn’t take us, he would kill us. My mother hates me and thinks I’m a worthless asshole because she has completely convinced my family and therapists that I have Asperger and that’s why I get treated abusively. If I try to discuss my feelings with my mother, she will deny everything and say she doesn’t remember or know what I’m talking about and that I need medicine. I moved to live with my father. My stepmother did everything she could to make my life a living hell after she married him. She would call me names, ask if I was retarded if I couldn’t answer fast. My father would ask me if I lost my ability to talk. I tried to kill myself when I was 18 and voluntarily went to a home because I was afraid of them. They both had the therapists completely convinced that I was crazy, disturbed, insane and unstable. Afterward, my father said he could treat me any way he wanted and there was nothing anyone could do . He could kill me, get away with it, have me put away, and no one would believe me or listen to me. I put a loaded pistol in front of him and said, if you are going to kill me, do it now! Isn’t that what you wanted to always do ? He then had the nerve to say, he couldn’t believe that I thought he wanted to hurt or kill me. I almost lost my life in a gas station robberies and am convinced my father paid the bastards to hurt or threaten me. He has the nerve to say I scare people and have no social skills . that’s why I was falsely accused of stalking because I’m a worthless inferior piece of shit that needs to be killed. Everybody reading this will hate me and think I’m a worthless inferior retard . I do not stalk people at all ! Now how the hell do I move forward after realizing it’s not me ? Sept 21 2014 I gave my life to Christ Jesus ! How do I move forward and stand up for myself ? Am I going to have to cut my uncle, father, and stepmother out of my life ? I may have to. There is no reasoning with them at all . I still think I’m worthless and crazy. Could I have been misdiagnosed ?
How do you remove this toxic from your life once divorced, but now uses kids to manipulate, I’m not even functional enough to work.i can’t “let go” because of kids. What type of psychiatry do I seek? I can’t stand on my own 2 feet and feel helpless and useless.
I feel like this to..
No, I don’t think you should tell your children. Your relationship as husband and wife, is not child and parent.
Knowledge is power.
I feel like I no longer need to go into a mental home.
Hi Jenny,
I am also a survivor of being gaslighted. And I know and understand the enormous pain it can cause the worst things being the shock of it all, the pain that comes from “recycling” (meaning playing situations over and over again in your head some violent and some not) and coming to the realization that the feelings you have may be genuine but for a person that gaslights it is just a means to an end the end being to control and manipulate you. It was done to me for YEARS by my ex-wife and to some extent her mother and sister. Five years after kicking her out and divorcing her and 4 years after she just showed up to my house in the middle of the night I am finally HAPPY! =^) AND THIS IS HOW YOU AND ANYONE ELSE WHO READS THIS CAN GET HAPPY!!!
1. LOVE YOURSELF – You have to rediscover YOU, the you that you fought to BE but was SCARED to be around your mother and this man. The you that you were would hide just to survive. You have to tap into your inner GODDDESS your inner strength and LOVE that person with EVERYTHING YOU GOT!!! Believe me I KNOW it SEEMS hard and in the beginning it is very very difficult. But the more you do it the more it helps to HEAL those wounds.
2. DO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY – I am NOT a doctor but I AM a SURVIVOR and the best way I learned to love myself was through doing things that made ME HAPPY! Even if this meant doing it alone. My baby brother gave me this advice and it turned out to be sound advice. One of the trappings of being the way we are is that people who fall victim to “gaslighters” are usually highly empathetic; so we are constantly worried about the other person and the other person’s needs and wants. So much so that we ignore our OWN NEEDS AND WANTS! STOP IT!!! And START worrying about YOUR NEEDS and WANTS!!! Do shit that make you HAPPY all those things that you wanted to do with him but he shut down and told you were stupid or boring or started a fight over and you thought it was crazy yeah DO THOSE THINGS! When I was with my ex-wife she fought me over getting tattoos even though she met me with at least 4 of them she had one of her own but it quickly became a bone of contention anytime I even brought up getting a tattoo unless it was of her name—yeah I know…smh.
So once I kicked her out one of the first things I did was get a tattoo that I always wanted. I always wanted to skydive so I did that as well. I travelled and went to Key West and California. I love watching anime and Korean/Japanese action movies, making music and reading, these things were ALL an issue with her. So much so, that she would start physical fights over me doing these things that made me happy. So same there I started binge watching a BUNCH of stuff and reading books and comics again, although I still haven’t gone back to my music. Another thing that I did was there is a Mexican spot that I always wanted to go to with her and I had never went when I was with her now it’s one of my fav places to go and everyone there knows me. You wanna stay home and eat bucket of Ice Cream and watch telenovellas all day because it makes you happy in the short-term then by all means DO IT just be careful not to make it a habit. Just realize that this a temporary band-aid on your road to healing and self awareness and not a cure all. But as a good friend of mine told me during that time sometimes being selfish is just SELF-LOVE! So go out there and SPOIL yourself. NOW!!!
3. CRY,BE ANGRY, GET MAD IT’S OK YOU’RE HUMAN – Poet Khalil Gibran in his book “The Prophet” says the following and I’m paraphrasing
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding…Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen…”
I’m a grown ass man and I’m not ashamed to say that bawled like a baby for the first couple of months damn near every DAY ALL DAY. I was so hurt and lost and distraught that I literally didn’t know what to do with myself that I just cried. And this is the thing people tell you “Hey don’t cry it’s not ‘WORTH IT’” or “S/He’s NOT worth it” and this may be true but YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Your tears are your soul’s way of CLEANSING itself after having been wounded by the negativity of a bad situation, experience, person or relationship. It is your Spirit’s way of HEALING itself so let those tears flow. Its ok YOU’RE HUMAN and someone just HURT YOU it is a NATURAL HUMAN response, so cry until you can’t CRY anymore. The same goes for being angry. When I was going through it I was extremely angry and I still am angry BUT I’m not bitter. The late great Maya Angelo said that it’s ok to be mad and angry just as long as you find a way to channel that anger into something positive that will benefit you because bitterness is like cancer it’s only good for eating away at its host. So for me that was going back to martial arts and working out, going to Cosplay events, Gaming Conventions, starting a business and I’m about to do my first Spartan race this year. For you it might be joining a Zumba class and going religiously or joining a gun range and learning how to shoot or a self defense class or swimming or running or writing. The sky is the only limit. So find something POSITIVE to LET OUT YOUR ANGER and then do it until you drop.
4. TAKE SOME TIME OFF TO HEAL – You have to understand that when you are in ANY relationship that is intimate and sexual you form a chemical bond with your partner. For the average person chemical withdrawl from a breakup alone can be difficult even more so when you are highly empathic, so now times that by 100 when you’re a victim of a gaslighter and you’re in for a new world of pain. I found that one of the best ways to combat the effects of withdrawal is to first give yourself an ample amount of time to heal by doing the first two things I mentioned earlier. But you have to also be aware that you can only do this EFFECTIVELY by totally separating yourself from your abuser. That means a 1000% ZERO TOLERENCE policy when it comes to any form of contact no cell, no social media, no contact with his or her family, no smoke signals…ZERO CONTACT!
In my case I have to thank my ex-wife’s boyfriend who was her side dude for years even before were married. As soon as he heard that she the divorce was final he stopped playing the concerned friend and started playing the role he always wanted and then made her change her number and cut me off. Fortunately for me his plan backfired because what was an obvious play at causing me MORE pain turned out to be the biggest FAVOR that anyone could’ve done for me at the time. Because he saved me the hassle of having to do it myself and the feeling of maybe she loves me and maybe we should fix this. What he did by doing that was grant me the gift of NOT HAVING her NEGATIVE and CONTROLING energy around me. Even though she still showed up at almost midnight a year after I’d kicked her out because she wanted to “See the cats!”…smh. Anyway, this instant “Radio silence” although extremely painful gave me the opportunity to think CLEARLY and look at my relationship with her from a lens that was NOT clouded by her or her mother and sister’s negative influence. It was like I could feel the poison of their negativity dripping out of my pores. Although admittedly, I fell in to a temporary cycle of alcohol abuse and having more sex than I would care to admit, it was part of my healing process. But once I did that I realized what a HORRIBLE NIGHTMARISH relationship I’d been in and it was time to go out and meet new people.
5. MEETING NEW PEOPLE – Now here is the scary part of the healing process going out and meeting people. It is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for you progression toward becoming whole. Instinctively as humans we all yearn to connect with other people it’s just how we’re built; even if that connection is temporary. But because of being in a relationship with an ABUSER and/or someone who was a gaslighter we have been reprogrammed or never knew what a HEALTHY connection is with another person. All we know or have grown accustomed to is being lied to and having people we care about create a false reality to place us in. So it is absolutely necessary to get out there and create new healthy bonds with emotionally stable and healthy people. I have a saying that I came up with when I was going through the worst of it. I would keep saying to myself “Turn your wounds into weapons and you scars into shields.” What does this mean? Please be aware that the pain you have experiences and ARE experiencing isslowing becoming your new sword and shield or rather your new mutant power, because your becoming Wolverine with healing Factor and all with a super high pain threshold and a super low threshold for BULLSHIT, these new abilities are to be used to detect and weed out BS people ESPECIALLY abusers and gaslighters and to zone in on good emotionally HEALTHY people. But you MUST realize that not all these new relationship will be permanent nor healthy nor should they be. The purpose of you going out and meeting people is NOT to get a NEW BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIEND I cannot stress this ENOUGH but rather to BUILD new HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS with people who both have and HAVE NOT been through similar situations. What you are doing here is building a new support system since many times after dealing with a gaslighter you are cut off from both friends and family or not “ALLOWED” to make new friends for fear that it might destroy the relationship with your abuser.
That is exactly how I’m feeling now. My mother once compared my work situation to the movie Gaslight, as everything in my office was shredded up or stolen, emails and contacts were deleted, etc. I was losing my sense of reality. I had never heard of the movie before and forgot the name (I recognize it from the summary) so it’s super creepy to read about it here.
Unless you experience it, I think it would be impossible to believe. I experienced it and still had a hard time believing what was happening.
Congrats for getting out.
This is my story too. Especially the part about watching him do something with your own eyes but still nearly being convinced by his lies that he didn’t do it! And the experiences of counseling, trying to figure out what’s going on only to be told you’re the problem when he snows the counselor with his lies. So grateful you have figured out what is going on, that’s a major turning point in being able to take better care of yourself. Keep learning, and know you have choices. God bless.
Jenny – You are my hero! You rock, Girl! Congratulations because from here on out, it’s all uphill. I’m very proud of you and I’m sending you prayers that you have the strength to carry on your new found understanding about healthy relationships. I’ve had several of these relationships, and I’m still running into them. Except now, I see the behavior as it starts and I get out of the relationship as quickly as possible. So good luck to you!
I believe you do need a sponsor. I have just come home from a rehab program for my alcoholism. I am married to a narcissist as well, but he is not an addict. His gaslighting began somewhat innocently, but I can see now after extensive classroom study/therapy in my program, that it is a fear response. Even if your husband continues in his addiction, you need to be sober and whole to care for yourself regardless of what happens. I’m praying for you. If you are the God type, look into Celebrate Recovery. There are chapters worldwide, and it helps with all of our hurts, habits and hangups. You are not alone, you are a member of a frighten lyrics large community of love, support and sisterhood.
Many womens shelters will help u make a plan of escape now!!! Call and get help. Do it….save urself. Please
I don’t want this to be too long. I’m 40. My mom is a malignant narcissist/sociopath. I have attached to a man I’ve been seeing who is the same. It is amazing to me the parallels. All I want is to get well. I’m tired of my choices being so influenced by the trauma of a terrified little girl. I want to make choices as a woman who is strong and has lived through hell. I am in the discard stage w this man and it is so painful. This whole ordeal w him has been torture. It all rings so true. I can pinpoint the idealization, devaluing, and discarding stages. It feels awful. I’m in therapy w what I hope is an excellent attachment-based therapist. And I have a wonderful attachment to my best friend. I’m working through my trauma but am at the first stages and its painful and terrifying. Glad i can go here and at least read and help understand some things that are happening.
omg…. death is not the answer believe me been there done that… think of ways to get out of there.. think of ways to make money… you can do it!!!! this is exactly where the narcissist wants you to be… fight….you can make it!!!
Once you have caught them at it you are free, free, free. thirty years of abuse. An extended break from the perpetrator allowed me the space to “see” and never to be duped again. One has to first imagine that everything is a lie and then maybe maybe it is the truth, not the other way round. For the narcissist Control is key, absolute control. The holding factor could be children and definitely financial and other security. Women should never hand over their financial independence. unwittingly he handed over his control by giving me the control of my share of the money (to safe guard the abuse of the money by him). How do you reconcile the 2 people the abuser and the one who gave up the control of the money. I reckon he thought I was so very controlled, like my sister was, I would relinquish its control. One has to “play” back and beat them at their game to get ones rights. So yes i agree with “as it is a clever, but complicated unconscious self survival strategy.” Or maybe conscious is correct in my case. With all his variety of efforts I never lost my sense of self but did become confused and disorientated by the play on my weakness of miss placing things. Now that he is older he makes many mistakes in the gaslighting. He is unearthed, he has been discovered, he is impotent. As Maya Angelou said “he is in need of my care” for as long as I feel un-threatened.
We have all been blinded by a person we loved and cared about. But did they ever return our love? Yes, in the form of loving their own narcissistic supply. I was a whipping post for 16 years. My husband acted like he loved me, said he loved me, but then I would do something seemingly innocuous which would send him into a mind-crazed rage. These rages would leave me shattered to the core because I would own the cause of his rage without any understanding of what I did wrong.
I left him just four days ago. At times I want to call him and tell him I’m sorry. But then I scour the internet and find fantastic resources such as these posted by Christine, as well as all the blogs from fellow survivors. You each remind me that I’m not crazy and hopeless. As Christine wrote, it took me several painful attempts to leave—and I’m not out of the woods yet, but I now have a glimpse of a life that seems worth living.
Once again O MY GOD!! I cant describe the feeling I am going through after reading this article. I have been a victim for so long. Being married 18 years I lived all phases one after the other and now I am still in denial. I still think I want her back, after all she has done to me…. I have been depressed many times in my life and I still struggle with myself…. I only fear for my kids. They are with me now and she left, but they are not aware of what happened as I did not know until 10 minutes ago. They want to be with their mother but I dont want to loose them. Should I tell them the truth??? Anyway thank you for making me aware I will work on it and thanks to everyone that left their experience it helped a lot. Now for a new en-lighting life…
I discovered the term gaslighting, and this article, and promptly cried my soul out. Eventually I was told that I was being manipulated, but I never knew the extent until today. Thank you so much.
I came across an article on gaslighting purely by accident. I read it because I was curious what gaslighting was. I was totally dumbfounded at reading what had been happening in my life for the past ten years. I honestly thought I was losing my mind. Luckily I have gotten away from my abusers but this type of abuse doesn’t just ‘go away’. It can mentally damage you permanently if you let it. How many times I stood in the middle of my room, my head in my hands, thinking ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind’. Buy now I have my ‘why’ and with the help of a therapist I will eventually be able to like myself again. IT’S NOT YOU!
Yes, my Narc was an accomplished liar too. Once he put his fist thru my wallpapered dinging room wall because I had the gall to stand up to his verbal abuse of the kids. When I was growing up as a family we would rack the leaves together and have lots of fun doing it. I suggest we do that and right away, just how he was raised and abused he starts telling the kids they aren’t working fast enough and on and on. I told him that it is a family affair and we are doing it for fun. When he put his fist thru the wall and then pushed me down to the ground I for the very 1st time called the police. He starts telling the cops that the kids weren’t working hard enough and “look how little they have done.” Immediately the police are ragging on MY kids that yea, the weren’t working hard enough. On the police report I started writing that he pushed me down but covered up the words with something else because I had quickly thought to myself, “if he goes to jail for domestic abuse we won’t have enough $$ to pay the bills” so I quickly changed what I was writing. I plan on writing a book (I Have started writing it actually) because I have learned a lot from that 20 year marriage and the many many years after the divorce it continued. Even at the start of the divorce I won a restraining order against him but that only made me more unsafe and he continued to contact me by phone saying “I have a special phone that can’t be traced” Recently one night I was having flashbacks and I decided to write them down. I wrote continually for 6 hours straight!! When I at first filed charges of domestic abuse, rape and intimidation of a victim while I was talking to the female ast., DA further into the questioning she asked me, “has he ever been abusive to the kids?” My instant thought was “I’ve hurt him enough with this.” so I said “no.” That cost me everything. The oldest moved in with his dad 4 months into the divorce. Eventually my fibromyalgia got so bad I could no longer work. I also could no longer physically take care of my kids such as folding laundry, ect. Also, while I had been working sometimes I would be in so much pain I would come home early. (I worked an early 3rd shift) The son who lived with his dad would be at my house along with a household full of his friends. I’d scream “get out!” And they’d scatter. We are talking about 2a.m. When I asked my ex if he wanted the house and the kids he said “you can see the kids anytime.” I had to get as far away as I could from him and was so depressed that he had cost me my kids. When the kids were little they lived on eggshells like I did. When we’d be out delivering papers on a paper route and they’d see his car in the drive way they would say “Oh no, dad is home.” It breaks my heart to think that even though I almost left 7 years in to the marriage and had packed clothes for the kids and me and my bills ect. Upon taking that last step out the door I asked my young kids, “should be leave?” They said no and that was all I needed to change my mind. My once strong and confidant good character was easily swayed. I had grown up in a big happy family and my parents are still together. My now ex grew up in a family where his mom had up to a 6 grade education and married alcoholic and abuse men. During the near 3 year divorce my ex gaslighted the oldest and the oldest still doesn’t see how he was abused and used. Whenever I would call the house asking to talk to my oldest son, the phone left the ex’s ear and he’s yell loudly, “your lazy ass mother is on the phone, Josh.” He wasn’t a father to the 3 kids and especially the oldest he used him as a confidant and told him every thing about the divorce such as after it, how much he had to pay for spousal support. My son said the exact thing my ex told me so I know this to be the case. I was taking food out of the kids mouths. This man had an objective and that was to destroy me in every way possible. There were times he literally tried to kill me. One was when I’d gone to Canada to get away from him and I developed both a DVT in my left leg and a lung embolism and I called him because lo and behold, my insurance card was not in my purse. Everything else was in there but not that. I have no doubt he did it or had one of the kids take it out. You see, I did not take my purse with me to work. Anyway, I called the ex to ask for the insurance numbers and he said and I quote, “no, and if the roles were reversed you would do the same.” I tried begging with him and telling him this is very serious and all the while I could only talk one consonant at a time because I could not breath. This man, who called or did something to me almost every day while the 2 year restraining order was in place. He told me that “we are to only talk about the kids per the restraining order.” I asked to speak to the oldest child and I got nowhere. I hung up, I think I called the next day and got the same response. The internet was fairly new but I thought “I am going to play Susie Detective.” I could not remember where he worked but I remembered the name of the parent company so I looked them up online and sent them an email explaining the situation. While I was in the hospital for a DVT and pulmonary Embolism I found out I had an email and the DA was charging me with abandoning my kids. He had gone to the police asking if he could move in the house since there was a restraining order in place. Hmmmmmm, even though he had always gone thru his lawyers to get to me because he was always trying to use MY restraining order on him against me. A Narc will always try and get even in whatever way they can find and it will never ever end. he continues to do it to this day. I am now married to a fantastic man who knew I came with baggage because I told him so. He has seen and heard him scream at me because I would not back down on what the divorce decree stated and that was that he was to pay 5% interest on what alimony he owed me. He told me “no, when I filed for bankruptcy it was changed to 0%. You see, I know this man like the back of my hand. I always said that from the time the divorce started. I KNEW he would file for bankruptcy. When he did move into MY house….I say mine because it was my money NOT his, he hardly worked a day in his life and I put him thru school. My husband was upstairs along with my ex’s and my youngest boy. They heard him screaming at me and belittling me because I would not back down. They heard him scream as if HE were the victim by saying “WHY are you doing this.” The jerk was not used to me standing up for myself. But I had backup upstairs so I felt safe. I won the argument and he eventually signed the paperwork but he next day, he tells me that the papers were done wrong and he came over right away and I had not even gotten dressed for the day. There was no one in the house to protect me. HE was telling me that the papers were done wrong and had the papers and then all of a sudden he is telling me that the Owed money was going to be 0%. I tried to say NO but eventually I felt unsafe and signed them. When he left happy as a lark I thought, “I’m going to compare both papers.” And just as I had thought, there was nothing wrong with the 1st one done the day earlier. He’d just wanted to have the money owed at 0%. You see, he always thought that money was God. He could never ever do anything out of the kindness of his heart to help a family member or anyone. He had to be paid for doing anything. We once while I was in my last trimester of pregnancy an uncle of his and their family became homeless and they asked us if one of the kids could stay with us. Well at the end of the month they came to pick up Kim and they asked my ex “how much do we owe you?” He said $200 or $250″ It was one or the other..can’t remember which. I saw the look on the mom’s face in horror and my abusive husband’s response was “Is that ok?” His aunt said, “oh. I expected it to be more.” But I saw the horror on her face. That was not the case.” I could go on and on about all the memories and flashbacks. Finally after all these years I do not have depression and I do not foresee it coming back. I have taken my life in my hands and I have been helping people who are either depressed or abused and I will Never stop helping people and I have started writing a book because I have things to say. Police and Da’s ect need to be educated about these abusers. Back when I was going thru all of the abuse was a time before the doctors office or hospital asked if you were being abused. It has been over 16 years since my divorce has been final and it is just the last 6 weeks that I have stopped taking antidepressants and am no longer in depressions grip. I was never depressed as a child or adult until a year or two into the marriage. The general public do not know about Narcissists and what they can do or how they can be spotted. I am still learning things about them and how to spot them. Just last month something I read made me go, “Oh my God! I should have seen the warnings signs when he demanded I write to him every day when he was in the Navy and God forbid the mail would not get to him for awhile and he would call and belittle me and again demand I write to him. I’d say, “I have been. I’ve been writing every day.” I mean really, how the heck can someone who goes to work every day and still lived at home and didn’t go out much other than occasionally to the disco. (yea, I am That old.lol) I used to say to my friends who I met at an abuse shelter that “I could write a book.” Well folks, I am going to do that!!! Stay strong, you are not crazy!!! Don’t blame yourself for staying so long with your abuser. My abuser even had his parole officer believe he was telling the truth. During the 2 day divorce trial he and his lawyer got his PO during a break and she was even huffing and puffing when she went on the stand. The lawyer told her, “this has been an unusal case hasn’t it been.” Se said “yes. She kept calling my office claiming that she was being stalked so many times that I couldn’t even do my job.” My jaw hit the floor in a WTF moment! My jaw hit the floor and I started poking my fantasic female divorce lawyer and telling her she is lying. She just quickly warned me that the judge could be looking at me. I stopped but my jaw was still glued to the floor. I felt and saw that the judge was staring at me. This parole officer I had called just once about 4-6 weeks before the restraining order would be lifted but I had had enough. I won’t say more other than to look for my book someday!!! The book will be the whole story as best as I can tell it and a self help book as to how to safely get out of an abusive relationship and more. I plan to keep doing research on abuse. Thanks for listening to my story. We are an amazing bunch and we23re survivors. In closing though, I just want to say that the abuse started getting much worse 2 different times and that was when he lost his job and the other time was when he got on the internet. I had begged him to please don’t get the internet….the kids were too small and I don’t believe they need to be on it. We are talking about 96′ I think. He always did as he pleased and signed up for the internet. But soon he had to look back at all the internet sites I had visited, even though the net was thru the phone, all of a sudden the phone had to be available so when he said he would call I would be available for the jerk to check up on me. There were 2 times he could not get ahold of me and he actually left work which was almost an hour away, and run up the steps where I would be as scared as hell and I would click the internet off. He would come home after work and instead of coming thru the front door he would climb the hill to get to the patio door and try to stare into the room (dining room where the pc was) and try and be sneaky trying to find me doing something wrong. He KNEW he had been treating me terribly and so he feared I would leave him. Narc’s, even though they act like they are almighty and have all this self confidence, they have none. I would have to read to him while I was talking to someone online and once while talking to this one person who I’d confided in him about the abuse I was being subjected to…the 1st person who I’d ever confided this in except the time of the 1st sexual assault he did to me which I told my one sister. I’ll stop here or I’ll give away the good parts of my book. LOL I again will say, you WILL get thru any hard times you are going thru and you don’t have to marry the same kind of person. Don’t jump into a relationship too fast. Get to know that person and listen, watch and learn about them. Peace!!
Dear Someone Seeking Help,
Thank you for your honesty. Have you found anything to help you stop gaslighting? My mother is narcissistic, which I just realized a few months ago. It turned my world upside down and since then, I’ve realized that she has engrained some of her narcissistic behaviors into me– including gaslighting. I am in therapy but it doesn’t seem to be helping with any of these symptoms (blaming, criticizing, gaslighting). Do you have any suggestions? Thanks so much.
Death need not be your escape. Divorce is. My wife is a professional gaslighter, and I’m often the one apologizing in all my confusion. I’ve proposed divorce before, more than once, but she then beats me down with her view that we don’t have biblical grounds for it. Then she’ll calm down, turn on the charm, and we go another round. This time however, I’m not confused anymore. I’ve a lot about her personality disorders from lots of reading, and I’m stronger for it, ready for this misery to be over!
Hi Anonymous, It is vital to have a safety plan when contemplating leaving a narcissist, especially those at the high end of the spectrum. It means getting educated about the subject of narcissistic abuse, learning about who and what is out there to help you stay safe. Visit websites such as i.e. Domestic Violence.Org, When Georgia Smiled, etc.)…. learn about Robin McGrae’s phone app for victims of abuse. It may mean syphoning off some money from household monies over months before you bolt. You may need to find out about “safe houses” and refuge centres. Try to get good supports around you (ones you can trust), someone you can send a warning signal to if you are in trouble.
Here are a couple of sites to start with:-
http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/
https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/
You may not live in America, but you don’t have to. Just use any information you can get that keeps you safe.
I am so sorry to hear your predicament, but don’t give up on yourself and settle for the prison you are in. You did manage to get out before, but you just needed a better plan. Warmest regards. Christine
I had my last chance to escape last fall and took it but I had to come back again because of lack of money. I fear my next escape (and last escape) will be death…
My husband has done this our entire marriage. He has moved things in the house and claimed that he didn’t. He fed me false information that made it appear to others that I was lying to them. He has told others that I didn’t give him messages that I gave him both verbally and written. He is such an accomplished liar that he can make you question whether he really did things that you watched him do. He has looked me directly in the eye and lied to me without any sign of remorse on more than one occasion. He has publicly announced confidential information that I shared with him knowing I shared it in confidence. Then he would go into a rage if he found out that I knew confidential information that I had not share with him. He has placed the children and me in danger on many occasions because of rages while driving. He has cut me off from contact with friends and tried to do so with family. He has put me down so often that at some point I realized I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had such a lack of joy in my life. I read book after book trying to figure out what was wrong. I went to counseling and they insisted that we meet jointly. He convinced the counselors and others that he is the victim. Even when there was proof or witnesses he has been able to trivialize or explain away his actions in some way. I would leave counseling sessions where the counselor told me that I just needed to be more forgiving and spend more time with him feeling as though I was suffocating. It is overwhelming to not be able to find someone who will believe what you are going through or to be able to get support. I am so glad to finally have a name for this and to know that I am not going crazy.
I was a victim of gas-lighting for years. I felt hopeless, helpless and at my worst, suicidal. I finally escaped this nightmare, but have suffered many post traumatic symptoms. Anyone dealing with this, please do yourself a favor and get out now!
I was with my NPD ex for 5 odd years, and I feel terrible for the many people who are suffering through the pain of being discarded and wishing the person would return. That is not love. That is not friendship. I know the urge to isolate and want to wish to go back to day one. But that person is not real because they create this fiction to feel good about him or herself. They are needy little soul suckers, and if all of you can help it, ignore them for the rest of your lives. Take everything you have related to them – throw it out. Destroy it. You never fell in love with a real person. Figure out what part of you from your past lead you to him or her – that made you a target, and work backwards. And never let that individual back into your life. You are being replaced, and you know what? Anybody who does that is despicable. We’re not objects. I replaced my Barbie doll when I was a kid. But people who do that – they’re broken on the inside. and who-ever is trying to do that to you by forcing you to a confront a third party…do not do that. Run away.
While I dated him, I interned at a prosecutor’s office, in a DV unit and experienced domestic violence. I was judicial law clerk in matrimonial law and became a matrimonial attorney, but I could no longer sustain my sanity after the years of mental and physical abuse. Eventually I developed a bit of PTSD. I kick myself that I did not leave him. Sure, it is not entirely my fault because he should not have abused me. I absolutely wanted to be an attorney in the field because of my childhood and poor adulthood choices, but I read so many people on here who were like me knowing the choice we all have to make and not making it. The cost is literally our lives – the future. You cannot change them. You cannot argue sense into someone who is set on destroying YOU – rational thought is just not going to be argued into their heads. I know this. I tried. They gaslight the life out of you. I got really good at arguing and becoming very persuasive, and I ultimately got slapped and choked for it because I was told standing up for himself pissed him off more. I don’t regret standing up for myself – I regret wasting my damn time. I rationalized my choice to stay because I hoped he would get better (he got into a car accident, but the physical abuse started before his accident). But I knew really early on that something was OFF about him and his family, but I let him tell ME something was off me. We argued about it because I tried and tried to explain PEOPLE are allowed to be different. I moved forward because as someone wrote above quite cryptically, someone who dates someone with NPD wants someone who is emotionally unavailable. I wanted him a little too badly, not wanting the men who were too emotionally available. Since he started our relationship out still really dating his ex (not my choice and not something I realized until it was too late), I never trusted him, spent the entire relationship basically keeping one eye on everything he does. That was another sign to run, I did not and should have.
Divorces with individuals with NPD are total nightmares. They lie. About everything. And fighting with them is endless. Many of you are willing to go tit-for-that and it will only destroy your sanity and your health. It does not work. It will prove nothing. I read some comments from people who STILL think they can cure someone or they can just magically work this person out. The years of life wasted versus the year later when you realize how much better you life is and HOW FREE your life is (but yes, I still have nightmares about someone choking me and forcing sex on me – humiliating me in front of police offers – announcing the time I tried to kill myself). Put YOU first the way this person does not because chances are someone is constantly saying how selfish you. You are not selfish. You are not crazy. You are not expected to be perfect. You are allowed to breathe – see your friends without being bombarded and destroyed. As for the woman above about the grandparents claiming they are part of the kid’s day to day life, you have to dispute that as false or they can claim custody b/c typically grandparents typically have no rights without being in a kids life day to day. If you are unhappy with your attorney: speak up or move on. You cannot and typically should not try to block a father from a kids’ life unless…it’s in their best interest (happens). But above all else, never let them get under your skin the way that they do – they get you to look crazy. The family is rarely on your side – they created them. They enabled them. Don’t expect an ally. For the sake of your children, do not talk about it with them…ever.
Very eye opening! It shocks me to read my life in print. I thought I was losing my mind when in reality, it was being stolen. Unfortunately, when we love someone, we always try to make them happy. It is now time to get my happy back. I am thrilled to know that I am not crazy, unsure or losing touch with reality. I have hope that everything will be ok.. Time to move forward and either find a healthy relationship and if that doesn’t happen, to be ok with just being me. WOW…I am still in shock that this happened to me and very very happy that everything will be ok. Best of luck to anyone going through this. You can overcome!!!
Interesting article – it doesn’t allay my concerns though about the dangers of labelling everyone who ever lacked intimacy skills, or was a tad self-absorbed (ie 90% of the human race!) as a ‘narcissist’. To be mis-labelled in this way can cause as much grief and suffering as narcissistic abuse does.
Another thought: I have a gnawing feeling this type of abuse is a symptom of something much deeper and older: an all-pervasive, several-thousand-year-old, devaluation of women. Though there are exceptions, most of the accounts of narcissistic abuse are from women, regarding male partners. Do males perpetrate this kind of disrespect on each other in anywhere near the same numbers?
I suspect if we turn our attention to gender equality, abusive patterns like these will be attacked at the root, not merely the leaf (or thorn!).
Wow. I had never heard of this term until a friend of my husband in NA was being given an update on our lives by myself, within 30 seconds he was typing into his phone and showed me the definition: I about threw up.
I married a recovering drug addict (pain pills) 5 years ago and had my own issues with drinking in order to get things done around the house. Additionally, I have chronic disease processes that have had me on narcotic pain meds for 16 years.
Almost 2 years in, my husband suffered a career ending back injury from a 20 career as a firefighter/paramedic/officer then a year later almost killed in an ATV accident so his journey with being back on pain meds, and an addict, started. Through this journey, he has been in bed more than out and I have been left to fend for myself at our 42 acre farm we moved to, attempting to perform all tasks, chores, unpacking etc by myself. Admittedly I spent many days medicating with alcohol to get thru his absence in our lives, his never ending pain and search for stronger meds, overdoses, and awful behavior towards me…screaming, yelling, calling me the C word when he wasn’t feeling good, etc etc.
He has attenpted to get off his meds several times and has been successful a few. But his refusal to seek surgical intervention for his blown discs has resulted in me stupidly offering him MY meds to allow him to perform 1 or 2 daily tasks. His doctor cut him off months ago.
Where GLS has become apparent to me now is his insistence that I am a drug addict too, need to go to NA and get into a 12-step program. This may or may not be the case but I’m willing to examine the alcohol aspect. This, however, is not good enough. He will spend hours berrating me to convince me that I do it his way. When he’s in pain and I refuse to give him MY meds, he will spend hours saying every mean, horrible thing/accusation he can think of. Even f he’s NOT drug seeking, if he’s “in pain”, these tirades continue. Nothing I say is right. I’m delusional if I think I’m not an addict: I’m just like my mother : no wonder your daughter stopped speaking to you….nothing is too low for him to say to me.
He’s always right, I’m always wrong. And he blames everything and everybody for whatever has gone wrong at that moment. I call it “world blaming”. He even used kerosene to light the charcoal one time , it blew up and caught the deck on fire momentarily ….and he lost it, blaming ME.
So now I’m an “addict ” and refuses to do this his way, and the insults/control is in high gear. I do NOT believe this is intentional for Ive known him for over 20 years and his behavior otherwise and after is loving, kind, caring and he does get very remorseful….but there’s always “we won’t be able to fix this until we’re BOTH in recovery and YOU get a sponsor” (which he has said 500 times if he’s said it once). He’s otherwise always been the type of man even my daughter said she was looking for. He puts my wants/desires over his and always has. I feel it’s the 40 year long “addict brain” causing a lot of this.
Thoughts???
Thank you so much for writing this article. I had no idea I was a victim of gas lighting until this point. Just as you stated, I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what and I did blame myself for it. This has been a cathartic experience and I’m so thankful.
Christine,
Thank you so much for your wonderful article. I was in a relationship twelve years ago that almost destroyed me. I went from an accomplished intellectual to an emotional and psychological wreck in two and half years barely able to get out of bed, existing only for his approval. However, a little voice kept saying, “This is wrong. This is not who you are.” And it wasn’t. He was covering up his criminal activity against children. When I found out, I reported him to the police and he disappeared.
I am still rebuilding myself and although I may never reach the intellectual level of attainment that I had before, I live every day in gratitude that I am still here and that I have a beautiful life.
Sadly, one of the consequences is that I cannot seem to have a normal relationship. Or that I still attract these individuals. I am involved with one at the moment and I am desperately trying to get away. He is in the de-valuing phase. I am observing my behaviour and today I realise that the battle to get away isn’t with the other person, it’s actually with the self. When we fall in love with the adoration that these individuals bestow upon us (their projections), it fills the void of lack that exists within our own hearts. If we love our selves in a healthy sense, we don’t need that adoration. It’s really just bows and ribbons. Although I know this in my mind, the heart still bonds. So, I am getting ready to run.
I love my life. I love my freedom. It is this that keeps me free. He accuses me of being the narcissist. I feel I am simply reacting to his behaviour. He needs to control every little thing. I refuse to be controlled by anyone. It took me too long to rebuild myself. Can one become a reactionary narcissist? I love and care about him, but his demands demean me and I love myself too much to feel like this.
I want to say to everyone out there reading this… You can be free! You are strong! You are in control of your life! You are lovable! You have to give that love to yourself first though, and say “I deserve better”. You are more important to you, than he/she will ever be to you. You will heal from all of this.
Most importantly, God is always in charge.
Wishing all of us strength and courage and love.
I am going through this now. My husband has made me feel like I am nothing like I am the scum of the earth under his shoes. He has cheated and lied to me for almost 5 years and then says it is me. It is insane I am a stay at home mother he is a bridge painter who works out of town and is never home. We have two children a 3 year old son and almost 2 year old daughter. His family is Greek they are very dominating overbearing possessive people. The women stay home with the children and get treated horribly while the husbands are out of town working and having affairs with any women they can find. I would reach out to his parents and they would tell me I had to be the strong one I needed to keep my family together. His mother and father are just like him. It’s all a control thing and me and my children are his possessions, only I wasn’t raised this way I knew something has been wrong and I have tried to break free and he would threaten he would commit suicide to keep me under his control and manipulative ways. I have left several times infact he has kicked me out of house a few times including while I was pregnant with our daughter. His parents have done nothing but lie and undermine me as a mother. They would flatter me with insults if that makes any sense from the beginning. He emotionally destroyed me and always says it is me and has no remorse for anything he has done to me. I have pleaded with him asked him to get help he says it is me that needs help. He has a sexual perversion of a big sort a big addiction to pornography and constantly since the beginning of our relationship has always wanted to know detail of my past sexual experiences. I wanting to not fight would tell him and he would somehow be turned on by it and disgusted at the same time. I left him this last time bc he crossed the line when he forced himself on me while I was sick and he was home for our son’s 3rd birthday. I was in shock still am that he did that to me. I reached out to go to church and the closer I get help from Jesus the more angry he gets he has told me I cannot have my family over the house cannot take kids near my family but his family can. After leaving him I got a protection order on him bc of him forcing himself on me and he told me he would smash every bone in my face. He then after trying several attempts to get to me including from himself his mother his coworker has filed for divorce and is trying to get custody of our children and even listed his parents in there to be apart of raising them so if it was necessary his parents would raise them. I have never in my life witnessed such cruelty such hate from anyone let alone someone who was supposed to love and care for me which he never did. I am so scared of all of this as he has a very good bullying lawyer and she is making him to be this loving husband and perfect father who has never been home alone with our kids apart from when I had to give birth to our daughter. His parents lied and said they were apart of everyday life and I am appalled bc it is all lies I didn’t want them around them all the time bc they treat my son as he is a king they don’t discipline my kids and let them act wild and they give them inappropriate things to play with like a box of matches a drill a pill bottle and the court gave my husband visitation every Wednesday from 5-8 and every other Friday or Saturday overnight I am so sad as I have stated my husband is out of town my kids are babies never away from me I have taken care of them by myself since birth minus the few months he gets and holidays off out of each year. I feel as if my lawyer isn’t even fighting for me for my kids. My in laws favor my son as he is the first born and is named after my father in law due to their culture which case I feel as if they think that he is their’s like he is property. They call my daughter the girl it is horrible and I pray she doesn’t feel unloved due to their cruelty later on in life. My in laws are trying to poisen my very intelligent 3 year old he told me the other night that he doesn’t like me when I asked why he would say that he said his yiayia and papou and daddy told him to say that he didn’t like me and that he wants to stay with daddy. I never in my life would think someone would use a child to hurt someone so deeply he is a baby and I am feeling alone and scared and I am starting to feel like if I would of stayed and been abused then I could of protected and monitored the time they are all around my kids. Please if you have any advice please give thank you for this article it is my life.
This is spot on, I’ve eventually had enough and left… I had enough of being criticized and put down. The pattern is perfect, she chased me and it was perfect, where had I been all her life? Then out of the blue it wasn’t working, it wasn’t what she wanted…. But surprisingly yes it was!
She had time off work with stress and is on medication for depression! We have been on and off more times than a fridge light! But I still went back for more!! But it was all my fault, I didn’t listen, I forgot things or got the wrong end of the stick, or just said stupid things, and even, we were on total different wavelengths. I didn’t get her…..but she was fine and not depressed!… Eh, I didn’t get it! When she ended it she always changed her mind… This time I walked out though…. I was the bady..”We could have had everything!”… To cut a long story short she the txt saying she now understood why I left, “because she was awful!”…a few weeks later we met up again and she just gas lighted the whole time…she said she wanted to take it slow.. Then the next day.. She txt saying she has realized I wasn’t for her and take care… I agreed then she responded with a phone call! But she was just gas lighting again, she said she wanted to explain and that she had wanted to take it slowly for the kids (she was 2 teenagers who were great), and said I was being defensive… She hung up on me as if I was arguing…. I text her saying I get it…. I then mentioned she was gas lighting, because she mention the kids were gutted I hadn’t enjoyed our trip out for dinner….(which she implied) This provoked a crying telephone call, saying she had just wanted to take it slowly, and didn’t want to go straight back into it… And that I didn’t get that… I said I did, and that I get it! Then a text with loads of ??????? saying she wasn’t good at anything! And that she had just been trying to explain, and that I had picked her up wrong, and she said “gas lighting????? ….. I cut and paste her first txt back to her saying there was no ambiguity in that!….. I have heard nothing since….. Am I going mental? Is it me?
Bearing in mind this is after 2 years
Her txt :-
Hey I’m ok thanks but unfortunately last night I have realised you are not for me. I’m so sorry. I will put £30 in our joint account for our teas as I don’t want you paying. I need to be 100% sure and I’m not. At least I now know which is what we both needed. Take care of yourself X
My response-
Yes you are right, I was expecting it, we both needed yesterday, that’s what I said…. No probs you too X
Resulting in the phone calls and this-
???????????
I’m not good at anything! I was trying to explain and you have picked me up wrong!! Gas lightening????? Wtf??
What a fascinating and helpful article. My fiance has been a victim of gaslighting for most of her life by her toxic mother. She only realised something wasn’t right when her mother bought her 4 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) a load of presents on a whim, but bought our other daughter nothing. This triggered some memory in her mind. After confronting her mother for the first time about the favouritism, her mother came and took all of the toys etc back, leaving her 4 year old distraught.
I am very headstrong and don’t put up with the mothers games. I threw her out of my house 5 weeks ago as I caught her on my cctv opening my mail, writing parts down and then tearing it up and putting the shreds into her bag! Since then, me and my fiance have been through hell. The mother convinced my fiance that I had beaten her, and I was arrested for assault. Then the same 2 weeks later. I would never lay a finger on a woman no matter what. Even the mother. The police dropped both cases as there was no evidence.
My fiance has only cut ties with her ‘toxic mother’ today, so I expect some relapses. I hope that she is strong enough to resist the urges to contact her, four our relationship and the children’s sake as she truly is a nasty woman, though despite the accusations over the past 5 weeks, I will stand by her no matter what.
Thank you.
Thank you for this thorough informative article. Was 18 when entered relationship. Got out before I was 21 because I feared for my life, my family, and his life. I am now 30. I have not been in a successfull relationship since. I still hear his voice doubting everything I am and do. I am on medication for depression, anxiety and social phobias and seeing a wonderful psychologist who first taught me about gaslighting. I have symptoms of PTSD. Today is not a good day – I feel he has beaten me, 11 years on. The intrusive imagery is very strong and i am drinking.I need to remember I survived, I am stronger, I have taken the higher road. I am a warrior and will kick tomorrow in the teeth. I am still alive, still breathing. He did not end me.
OMG. This is *exactly* what happened to me, and to his ex-wife. I got out and found my self-esteem again. I knew something was wrong but that phenomenon of trying to get back to the times when things were good totally trapped me. And I was full of doubt that I was wrong, too sensitive, etc. Turns out, he was full of it. And I honestly believe he is not aware of it — he genuinely believes everything he says. He wasn’t deliberately trying to mess with my head, that was just the effect. His narcissism makes everyone miserable. That initial high from idealization is incredible. So if someone is putting you on a pedestal and constantly saying how great you are, how you two are better than everyone else, etc. be warned that something is not right.
To the person who is seeking help – good for you! That takes courage. I wish you luck.
Mah,
Try connecting with the narcissistic abuse runboard recovery group (bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/). Some members there report similar problems with their children. These cases like yours are real, but getting support is limited. You will find support at that site.
Someone seeking help, you sound like you might salvage yourself, Most narcissists don’t take anything their significant others say seriously enough to look into themselves, Awareness isn’t in their toolbox. Sounds like it is in yours.
My wife left me two weeks ago, I was unsure why. She walked out on me and our three children. She contacted me a few days later and mentioned emotional abuse. I ignored her cry. I was certain that this was just her way of justifying her leaving me. But as I started to dwell on her words, I felt the need to study this type of abuse. And when I read through article after article, I realized I am exactly what it desciribes. I have for 14 years been emotionally detaching my wife from everything she has know. And the result is devastating. I am now seeking help for this. As I knew I liked being in control, and really that is one of the biggest things within this type of abuse, had I have realized what kind of monster I was to her, I would have been seeking help years ago. People, it is extremely serious, some people can realize their wrong and get help, but it starts with awareness. Emotional abuse and gas lighting needs to be made aware to everyone. I hope that for me by Gods grace I can overcome these personality traits and be the man I ought to be. I am doubtful that my wife will ever come back, nor should I expect her too. But my love for her is great, I just wish I had not of taken it for granted.
Hello. Can someone please give me some advice. I was strong. I escaped from my abusive husband and managed to put my life back together. I had 2 children from my marriage and worked hard at giving them a good chance in life as best I could on my own. First one and now the second when they hit puberty have turned into their father. The older one (now 15) is in foster care after the situation became intolerable and now the younger one has gone down exactly the same path. He is still at home but things are deteriorating by the day. I had the intelligence and guts and gumption to escape from an abusive husband. I can’t escape from my own abusive children. They are showing all the same classic traits. And the final adding insult to injury is the gaslighting which isn’t just directly at me, it also takes the form of convincing social workers that they are the victims. It has taken 10 months in foster care for the very experienced foster carer to realise that actually it is my daughter who is abusive. The honeymoon period is over and my daughter has now become abusive to the foster carer. Meantime I have been through 10 months of being revictimized by the social services system. I am now at breaking point with my son (14) and don’t know where to turn for help. I am at breaking point myself. It is bad enough when you are abused by someone in a love relationship but it is possible to escape from that. When the abuse is at the hands of your own children and it is the bond between mother and child that is at stake, you can’t cut off the relationship without cutting your own heart out. Help. Please, someone help.
I have always been attracted to Narcissists because they are often exciting lively go ahead people who get on with life. When narcissists find their energy attracts people they realise they can have power over them. How far this power drug takes them must range from merely getting your own way to outright Gaslighting. I have experienced Gaslighting in marriage and with close friends. I tackled it by talking about it every time I saw them to manipulate them into understanding that their actions were being understood. Ways of talking about the subject could be quoting an article/book you had read with examples; a documentary you have seen – find one on U Tube, the experiences of a friend or just make something up, leave a book or article around, talk about someone who is doing research on Gaslighting or best of all find jokes and cartoons – spend time making up your own. You do not always have to use the word Gaslighting. In fact best not to use it at all.
This approach will have two outcomes. You will understand more about what is happening to you and gradually become stronger. The Gaslighter will have to change their tactics to deal with the new aware you – even though you have not said outright that you know it is happening to you. This will be hard and take some practice but it will build you up. Knowledge is power.
As for family and close friends who Gaslight, they are more expert because they know you well. In their presence at least become someone they don’t know that well.
Thank you for this article. In my case, the gaslighter isn’t my husband but my brother, so I can’t divorce him and run. He triangulates and manipulates my parents. His wife enables and colludes with his behavior (for her own survival?). If I choose to avoid family engagements, then I get blamed even more for “dividing the family”. So I don’t have any way to deal with this, I’m scapegoated no matter what. I have nightmares that they kill my children, just to torment me. I have no self-worth left. I’m desperate and alone.
Reading this made me physically ill. I’ve been in this situation not once, but twice, with the relationships being ten years apart. I knew with both of these men that something was so off, but could never put my finger on it. To know that there is such premeditated evil out there is just plain scary. I’m happy to say that I ended the second Gaslight relationship nine years ago. After spending four years in therapy, my children and I now have normal, healthy lives. Thanks for the insight.
So many of us have been in these relationships with a parent and so when we re-enter a romantic relationship with such a person, it seems natural. We don’t any other way to be. If this great article rings a bell with you, I strongly recommend that you leave the relationship you are in and do not enter a new one until you have had enough therapy to build up your self-esteem and a critical faculty that can protect you against such machinations. It took me eight years. It might take you less.
Thank you, this article saved my niece. I sent this to her praying that this was not what was happening. After reading it she realized it was happening and found the strength to run. Thankfully she planned her escape carefully and she went to the doorstep of strangers that realized how desperate the situation was and took her miles away immediately to safety where we could meet to pick her up. We are doing everything we can to give her a safe, caring, stable, environment. Week one has been very successful. Any help to help her progress would be greatly appreciated.
Oh my gosh! Were you in my horrible marriage? I was romanced and swept off of my feet by a charming attorney who wined and dined me and seemed to be madly in love with me. He seemed so proud of me and my accomplishments in music, and enjoyed, or so I thought, introducing me to family and friends. But once we were married, the devaluing began. After several years, I was just a shell of my former self. I was isolated, he had his whole family feeling sorry for him because I was so crazy, and I nearly succeeded in committing suicide. He finally dumped me for a 19 year old and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have regained my self. And karma is real. He got disbarred shortly thereafter for embezzling from clients, then had to flee to South America for other money mishaps and I am happily married to a sweet man who is not a narcissist yet 13 years later I still wake up with horrible nightmares about r, and am easily triggered. I have severe disabilities from the physical abuse I suffered at his hands. I was diagnosed with ptsd. So he left his mark on me. I am lucky to have gotten out alive
If I may add my two pence on this….
My ex-boyfriend gaslighted me but was never cold or mean. He was crazy in love with me, said I was a great person all the time and wanted to marry, which made it even more difficult for me to pinpoint what was wrong. I felt bad the whole time for not loving him as much as he loved me.
On the other hand he would make me understand that in spite of my intelligence, I was a bit immature in the relationship department. He knew this was my very first relationship and totally used that piece of information to show me I much more experienced he was and that my view on what a relationship is was completely wrong. Basically, he didn’t want to do any compromise and thought I really had to work on myself : “you’re so smart, I know you will get it”. I felt terrible because I couldn’t get it and really thought I was the one who didn’t understand a thing about relationships.
His gaslighting me was his way to have control so I would never leave him.
Anyway, it is over now but I was left traumatised. I haven’t felt attracted to any men for the past 3 years 🙁
I was in a relationship with a narcissist. His tactics were so similar to what has been mentioned in these articles, it’s downright scary!! Several years later, I still feel the deep emotional anguish from his rejection and abandonment! I don’t know if I will ever completely heal from this cruel abuse!
I am a victim of Gaslighting. I have been a victim for thirty seven years. It didn’t start with me, it began with his sister. It doesn’t end with us, his co-workers are victims too. I am isolated and I sometimes tell myself to hold on, because I think I’m losing my mind. When it was stated that this gaslighting is the extreme of emotional abuse, you were right. I need help asap.
The terrifying part is that he doesn’t work alone. His mother seems to be his aide. She afforded him to abuse his sister and passed her off as crazy, she blamed his little sister. She has been his helper in his abusing of others by defending him and victimizing the victims. I am a Catholic, and I believe God can help me…but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. Sometimes when I cry, he tells me (very calmly) that I should kill myself. He tells me he’ll even show me how to use the gun. Later, he acts as though nothing happened. It is continual and relentless abuse.
I was sexually abused for many years as a child. In the past he has told me that I am a sick little girl. He says I was sexually abused and he has to pay for it. But that’s not true. I feel so hopeless sometimes. and I am so isolated, I don’t even know how to act anymore. In the past nine years he has had me out of state, away from everyone. He reminds me that I have no where to go. No one back home likes me or cares about me. I am really on the brink of going mad..I really need advice, courage, and a hand to hold onto. I need strength…I have to get free of this man.
I left a very scary narcissistic marriage of 18 years one year ago. Even after over a year I am still trying to heal from the madness. My ex-husband was extremely charming and charismatic. He literally swept me off my feet. He was so believable, and perhaps looking back on the very fast courtship, I wanted to believe him. I lived in the U.S., and met him there, but he lived in Canada, and I moved there to be with him and marry him.
18 years of of being his narcissistic supply. The only reason he even married me was because he needed me to have sex with other men so that he could watch and get off on that. It just all makes me sick to think about everything I did in order to get him to love me. He was and is incapable of loving anyone but himself. He is a predator and a disgusting low life monster.
But I did leave and have not gone back. There is no way in hell that I would ever go back to that, and never be with anyone again. I have lost all trust. But I got out with my life.
I read this and it really hit home. The lies, telling me I remembered it wrong, moving things in the house then denying it, physical abuse, emotional abuse, threatening me if I ever try to leave. I thought I was going crazy for years as it got worse with each year that passed. He tells me I must be bipolar and need meds. I walk on eggshells because anything could and would set him off. I now sit quiet all the time alone. I have shut out all family and friends because I can’t have them around in case he snaps ( I have worked hard to make sure they don’t see what goes on in my house ). I moved into another bedroom 9 months ago because the thought of him touching me after what he does to me makes me physically sick, I say the other bed helps my bad back. I don’t know how to get out of this anymore. He had me stop working years ago to be a stay at home mom then slowly started controlling all of our accounts. He tells me if I leave him he will take my daughter from me, keep everything we own, and move all the money so no one finds it. I feel trapped with no way out. I have thought about ending myself but then think if I’m not here he might do the same things to my daughter. I have hid it for so long I don’t think anyone would believe me because he acts so perfect in front of them all and I helped to keep his image that way. I know I am depressed and not even close to the person I was 13 years ago when I met him. He lies about everything to include stupid things like what time he got up today, he just always lies. When my father died he actually found a way to make it about him and get everyone attention and that woke me up a little. If I even try to talk about his death he will change the subject to something that has happened to him to take away the attention. I am just lost and have little hope left of ever getting out of this unless I just leave this world.
I lost my kids in my divorce because the man I happen to fall in love with betrayed me he made me question my every move. He kept saying I needed help! I needed to help him get me help and he would tell me these stories that I couldn’t remember doing but they were vivid and well thought out. I would question how it was happening why I couldn’t remember events and he would act as if he was protecting me saving me from myself so to speak. Its a sick and twisted game one plays to draw negative attention to someone and make themselves come out as the hero.
This is the first time I’ve heard of gaslighting but I can say with certainty that my husband has done it to me in the past. It was so severe I attempted suicide which put me in hospital. He tried to convince me and others that I tried to kill myself because I didn’t like the color he chose to paint our guest room. It was so humiliating and traumatizing I made the decision to stop caring. We are still together and he hasn’t gaslighted me since that I know of but I don’t know if that’s because it was a one-time incident that maybe he didn’t even realize he was doing, or if it’s because I’ve learned to never do anything to cause him to gaslight me again? I don’t even feel much love for him and when I caught him trying to cheat on me recently I didn’t get mad. I just told him that it’s fine if he wants to see other people but I won’t stick around. He some how turned that around on me to say that I obviously never cared about him and that if I wanted to see other people I should have just told him, he then proceeded to cry making me feel like the guilty one who just got caught trying to meet up with women for dates! I just gave up talking and now I’m still with him but as yet he still hasn’t gone through with actually cheating on me. It’s confusing because he seems like a good husband in some ways as long as I never confront him about anything otherwise he mind fucks the shit out of me. I don’t know if he’s considered a narcissist or just really doesn’t like confrontation? So confusing. I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore.
Hello –
I have a question. My mother has been gaslighting my older sister and I our entire lives. My sister first learned about this when she was studying psychology and called me crying, saying she finally understood what was happening. My mom often says terrible things about me, saying I’ve made up my depression and that I’m just lazy, insulting me, etc. I’ve always just apologized. She later denies saying any of this, or accuses me of willfully acting out or lying, making up false scenarios where she told me to do something and I deliberately disobeyed her (instead of the fact that she just never told me). If I confront her about it (which I’ve only done very recently) she breaks down crying and talks about how she’s a horrible mother in order to guilt me into consoling her. This has taken its emotional toll, especially as I’ve only realized this is an abnormal and unhealthy mother / daughter relationship. I’ve already gotten into (and out of, with some wonderful friends) an abusive relationship with gaslighting as its foundation with another person due to her grooming.
My real issue is: what do I do? I’m only 19, I’m financially dependent on her. I’m in college and my parents are paying my way. I have to go back home and live here on breaks and over the summer. How do I turn this into a functioning relationship without constantly feeling like I’m going insane?
I Think my husband has been gaslighting me for years he damaged our furniture and trys to make think it was already like that when we bought it and picture’s are being damaged. He has fooled everyone in to thinking tat he can do no wrong even my counselor tolike me when I started finding marbles all over the place that is probably did it myself. I very rarely go into stores because I am hypersensitive my husband told me that had a marble finish it think I am going crazy,I is getting worse I do feel like my life is in danger because I AM BIPOLAR , ADD OCT AND PTSD and was hooked on drugs it’s hard to get anyone to believe me SO I stay to myself
For a lot I don’t know what to believe I am crying out for help I made him leave early for a week but then my family wouldn’t talk to me so now he is back 17 years and you think you know someonexactly I feel like I married a stranger even my friends think I am crazy because he will do things for them when their trust sorry for the missing spelling and I hoe the makes sense he is a sleep andisorders I am trying tohurry so he want catch me writing this thank you all for your time god bless
How does this differentiate from Borderline Personality Disorder? I’m very familiar with this behavior and have been victimized from childhood and in to a couple of my adult relationships. I’ve been involved with a lot of therapy and thought I had finished with such foolishness but alas, I forgot to look at my work situation. I just left that “relationship” after 8 years and am working on my recovery again. Luckily, it gets easier with time. While I am not crazy, I am wounded. I know that because I’ve built a nice big wall around me, which is good while I recover but I don’t think it’s a good long term strategy. How does one rebuild trust, not with others but with oneself?
Crud, I just realized, its time to go into therapy again. Why, crud? Therapy has heloed me to be awesomely okay but it’s very, very hard work. I wish I could reap the benifits without the work. That’s honestly amusing, isn’t it? I’m going to look for.a counselor this coming week.
Thanks for the great article that obvoiusly shook something loose in me.
I’ve been accused of gaslighting, and the person who’s very dear to me found her symptoms in this article and cut me off completely.
She wouldn’t even tell me, so I had to call her parents to learn what were things that she believed about me doing behind her back. I know there are things that I couldn’t have done even in theory, but she locked me out, and there is no way I can prove or address anything, as she’ll think that I’m further trying to confuse her. I never lied to her.
This is the tragedy of life, and now I have to take therapy, because I find it difficult to let go and accept that such things can happen. I would never have hurt her, yet I’m suspected of the worst, and it’s the person I’m still in love with.
Rich.
I don’t know what to do… He has me believing I have “borderline personality disorder”. He’s been wanting me to see someone and pushing me to get out and socialize at a church because I’m so depressed and have anxiety issues now. I never used to be this way…this isn’t who I used to be. I used to be a successful artist, outgoing…etc.
But after reading this… I think I’ve been gaslighted for 18 years!
We just had an argument today about cereal. I was sick today and he asked if I was hungry, I told him yes, then saw him make two bowls…I thought for me and him. I went to the bathroom, came back out and saw it had all been eaten. I asked where mine was and he said that I told him that I didn’t want any. I couldn’t believe it… Course I told him I didn’t say that but he rolled his eyes and acted like I was lying. He’s been telling me things like he just doesn’t care anymore and won’t talk to me, I feel like he is always hiding something. He constantly flirts with old school mate girls on Facebook…innocently asking them how they are that he was concerned about them….nothing too bad that I’ve found yet, but I try not to sneak into his mail for fear of seeing worse…we are not very wealthy, but I feel like he would take off to other states to work if he had the gas (where these women happen to live) oh and he actually asks them for work so he can come. He does painting and construction type stuff.
I’m tired of not knowing who I am anymore… Tired of apologizing all the time even for things I know I didn’t do, and I’m tired of being suspicious, I’m tired of him being cold and silent all the time, not interacting with me unless it is to get angry with me. I have to ask for permission on everything I do… And when I’m done wrong, he gets angry as if it was done to him. He hurt me not too long ago by admitting that he was looking for a replacement wife in case something ever happened to me because I’ve been sick and he thought I was dieing!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is so much…. He has told me that he believes that I’m a pathological liar, when I have worked hard at total honesty and openness in our relationship! He has opening talked to the kids and his friends about our arguments and how he thinks I have borderline because I was abused as a kid, when I try hard to keep personal conversations between us and have fought hard to never talk bad about him to anyone, including family. Ooooo I need help! I’m so confused! I’m constantly doubting myself etc etc
Amazing information! At 56yrs and receiving SSID benefits in part for PTSD , I have not fully understood the gaslighting effect until reading this report. It’s life changing to understand what has happened to me. Therapist have worked with me to relieve symptoms which has been somewhat helpful. However, reading this report and gaining knowledge about gaslighting and the narcissist personality is more effective than 2 years of therapy!
Thank you for this exceptional report about Narcissistic victim syndrome. This is a keeper for sure.
Best Regards,
Mark, isn’t there a domestic abuse hotline that you can connect with to get help to get out of that place? I would think that the SSID is yours and that there may be an additional subsidy to get you into low income housing. If this were happening to a woman in the U.S., rest assured that there would be support to get her out of his claws and into a safe house away from the male abuser. I am surprised that you have been in this for 35 years and are still alive to report it.
What an enlightening and helpful article. Thank you! My husband of 30 years did this to me from almost the beginning of our marriage. What saved my life and sanity was that my beloved parents (now in heaven) believed every word I told them, unlike the counselors and pastors we or I went to see. My parents would tell me if I thought I heard it then I did, if I thought I saw it then I did, and to trust myself and believe in myself. They gave the children and me rest, rejuvenation and refuge for a month at a time. My husband also has adhd, dyslexia, Asperger’s, anxiety and anger issues. I often wondered how much these issues and his childhood played a part in his being the way he was. He truly has improved a lot over the past 4-5 years because: 1. I called the popo one time when his rage was about to explode and they came and talked to him outside for an hour. 2. By God’s great mercy, our oldest married a girl who majored in social work and is completing her psychology phd soon. Her studying about this stuff has made him be on good behavior. 3. Our adult children don’t put up with his baloney much anymore. They mock him to his face. 4. Our youngest and last one at home has displayed a lot of hostility and contempt towards his dad and doesn’t want to be around him. After years of this attitude, my husband started changing several behaviors.
My BIG concern is that I feel the youngest, I KNOW the youngest, is following after his dad is some manipulative, controlling behaviors of me. This panics me for his future wife/children. How can I teach my son NOT to gaslight? He’s 16 and it’s been going on for a few years now. Please…any ideas or suggestions greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Hi Mark, There is no need for you to apologize for your typos or spelling. It would be so easy for me to jump in and fix the typos, but that would be to take away the wonderful lesson that you are providing for the readers. These errors represent the truth from your heart and soul, and they show the distress when a victim tries to even talk about their abuse. As you so eloquently say, “When I discuss my issue I get so upset I can’t even spell”. This point is very valid, because writing, talking, thinking about their demise sends most victims into a state of dissociation….. where they unconsciously try to distance themselves from the distress that is so overwhelming to even recall. This is one of the reasons why victims have such a hard time trying to explain how bad things really are, and if the person they are talking to have no idea of narcissistic abuse (i.e. therapists, doctors, solicitors,the Courts, other family members, etc.) unfortunately, the victim comes across as the one is the problem. The narcissist comes across as being the more sane one, and everybody falls for their seduction and interpretation of what is happening at home. Yet again, the victim gets further abused because of the ignorance that surrounds narcissistic abuse. Your metaphor of “Papillon” is so so fitting.
Please excuse my typos as I’m using a smartphone to post this horror In living. If the blog or website manager could correct my typos I would appreciated. When I discuss my issue I get so upset I can’t even spell, my diction is bad. All I want is peace, that’s all peace. I often related my live to either of the two characters in the Classic film “Papillon” starring Dustin Hoffman and Steve McLean . Stuck on Devils island until you can’t take it any more and jumping from a high cliff is worth the chance to escape from hell but the chances are so slim. So keep the hope because its the most valuable thing you still have no matter what.
This description was so exact to every point described. I’m a middle male married for 35 years and the evil gas lighting has taken over my entire life. My wife has used every devious technique to me keep under her total control. Because of hostile behavior I finally qualified for SSDI after 2 denials. It took a severe herniated back problem during my appeal process to finally qualify, I’m saying this to anyone reading, the mental health damage from this is so severe and brutal you will have a uphill battle if unenployed from the depression, aniexty, and in my case ADHD. Getting SSID without physical health proof is very, very difficult too quality. The process of receiving rightful SSDI benefits, and I did it all myself without money sucking lawyers is another added frustration in fuliity and to top it all off my gaslighting spouse actually tried to disqualify my efforts by withholding truths when inyerviewed by SSDI which must happen as part of the final appeal process. The only word I didn’t notice which is another disorder the victim aquires over the year of enduring constant verbal and emotional abuse is codependency. A early discussed disorder victims if abuse obtain which cause the victim to remain in the abusive relationship. I’m speaking to as if It was advise after the fact, however I’m still in the same abusive marriage going on for 35 dreadful years. I can personally list over 100 evil abusive and clever way an abuser can conceal this horrid behavior from almost everyone and pass all blame to the victim and the victim doesn’t care anymore because we are so damaged emotionally we allow it to continue. But I’ll give two of the most disgusting verbal techniques that make you nume in disbelief. Gas Lighters will always shift blame to the victim for everything wrong, they refuse to apologize even when it’s so blantant, and don’t expect to even receive a simple “I’m sorry” nope won’t happen. They must have total control all the time. I can’t even have a 1 minute conversation with my wife before she explodes in anger over anything. But I stay and take it anyway. I’m so devasted and dad and my physical health has now put me at risk with my doctor and I can’t get help because my wife will never, ever consider counseling of any kind. That alone make it so obvious. I’m stuck forever as I don’t even have scar or finances to leave. Thank you for reading and anyone can benifit from This horror, save yourself before its too late. PEACE.
Hi Dan,
Mental Health Professionals and Centers Specializing in Narcissistic abuse and Narcissistic Victim Syndrome are few and far between. However a friend of mine (Michelle Mallon) is compiling a list of professionals that she has found working in this area around the world.
You can find the list on her Facebook Page: Narcissistic victim syndrome.
Here is the link:
https://www.facebook.com/notes/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-hope-for-victims-and-survivors/mental-health-professionals-and-centers-specializing-in-narcissistic-abuse-and-n/721331344650772
Here is what she says:
I am creating this area to help identify those mental health professionals and groups around the world that I have been able to confirm actually have therapists who are specifically trained to work with victims of Narcissistic abuse. Right now, this is a very short list. I will update it as I confirm more professionals and groups.
Countries are listed in alphabetical order
Australia:
Tania Cusack: Hands Full of Hope: http://handsfullofhope.com/narcissistic-abuse/
The Hart Centre: http://thehartcentre.com.au/relationship/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/
Ireland
Christine Louis de Canonville, B.A. Hons; MIACP ; MTCI ; MPN LP, CMH; CHyp:https://narcissisticbehavior.net/category/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-a-new-diagnosis/
Paul M Collins, MIACP: cpmc6199@gmail.com (Shankill, South County Dublin)
Italy
Dr. Paolo Molino: http://www.paolomolino.com/
United States:
Parental Alienation Legal Resources & Support:
http://www.pas-intervention.com/PASI/Welcome.html
http://www.equalaccessadvocates.com/
Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/ (confirming state location)
Sandra Brown, M.A.: http://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/sandra-brown-ma (confirming state location)
California:
Andrea Schneider, LPC: http://www.andreaschneiderlcsw.com/
Fiona E. Steele, LMFT: http://www.fionasteelelmft.com/AboutMe.en.html
Alan Rappoport, PhD: Redwood City, San Francisco-Tel: 650-556-9500,Fax: 650-599-9802, email:http://alanrappoport.com/contact.shtml
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT: http://darlenelancer.com/index.php
Colorado:
Karyl McBride, PhD, PC: http://www.karylmcbridephd.com/
-She also has a website devoted to supporting survivors of parental Narcissism:http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/workshop-overview-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers/
-She also maintains a database of mental health professionals who are experienced in the area of parental Narcissism:http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/find-a-therapist/
Michigan:
Royal Oak, MI
Eleanor Payson, LMSW, ACSW, LMFT: (248) 548-0306 and http://eleanorpayson.com/ Important note: Eleanor does not do phone consultations with clients out of state (in-state as well) unless they are willing to attend a face-to-face session first – so that she can conduct a full evaluation regarding the appropriateness for phone coaching support.
New Jersey:
Wendy Behary, LCSW: (973) 218-1776 x807
John Gasiewski, PhD, LCSW: drjohngtherapy@yahoo.com, (973) 671-8025
Carolee Kallmann, LPC: (973) 993-3193
Robin Spiro, LCSW: (973) 218-1776 x875
Harriet Achtentuch, LCSW: (973) 378-5804
Judy Margolin, PsyD: (609) 658-2536
New York:
Elizabeth Lacy, LCSW: http://www.elizabethlacy.com
John Gasiewski, PhD, LCSW: drjohngtherapy@yahoo.com, (973) 671-8025
Patricia McDonald, PhD: pam2034@med.cornell.edu, (212)-746-5684
Ohio:
Columbus:
Jeannine Vegh, M.A., I.M.F.T. http://jkvegh.com/ Important Note: Jeannine requests that only potential clients who are able to meet with her for face to face counseling reach out to her.
Oregon:
Christa Alexander, LPC: http://www.heartthyself.com/
Texas:
Shannon Thomas, LCSW-S: http://southlakecounseling.org/when-a-christian-meets-a-sociopath/
Les Carter, PhD: http://www.drlescarter.com/
Washington:
Seattle Area-Dr. David B. Hawkins, Director, MarriageRecovery Center drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com 360.490.5446
Evan Kimble, MA, LMHC: http://www.safepassagetherapy.com/index.htm
As I do not know where you are living, I hope you can find someone near you on the list.
Warmest regards.
Christine
Thank you for your website. After many years, I’ve begun to understand what happened to me.
Do you have resources for finding therapists with experience in Narcissistic Personality disorder in certain areas? I’ve looked through the posts on your website, but haven’t found anyone in my area. I’m having trouble staying anonymous and getting the information I need.
Thank you!
Fascinating! I am off work due to stress caused by a gaslighting client. I didn’t understand what was going on but recently started to feel as though I was losing my mind. I was the best thing since sliced bread, answer to prayers and an angel but sometimes came away from a meeting with her thinking I’d just fallen down the rabbit hole because my notes and recollection of agreements did not concur with her version. I tried harder to clarify and explain her misunderstandings to her but she’d laugh it off and play the sweet little old lady. Then almost overnight I became the problem, the one that undermined everything she was trying to acheive. Now she is fabricating things and complaining to my boss. Fortunately, others in my workplace recognised I was dealing with a mentally unwell person and I have good records but wow! I’m still in shock and I know the battle is not over yet. I can see that she has picked a new victim and is setting her up as an ally against me. She did the same with me when she transferred her business to us and I think I owe the former company an apology. Your article helped me to see what I am dealing with and feel less blameworthy.
Thanks for a great article!
Are you able to point me in the direction of any resources about dealing with npd in a business relationship?
This article was very well written. Even though I have been doing a lot of research regarding Narcs for a few months, this was still an eye opener for me. The fact that there was never one thing I could pin point, so I thought I was the one with the problem. I spent years trying to make him happy, never succeeding. Drove me nuts and I was exhausted. I came to the conclusion I never was going to make him happy, so I just sat there a took what he had to say every night. Lost in my depression, which he even got the kids to accuse me of not caring about them to get my nose out of the book. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, I was exhausted from trying so hard to over come every thing he was doing and saying. In my head I was trying to figure his crazy out all the time. And the oh what did I do now! Now that I’m away from him, I realize, you can’t figure the crazy out, it is just the way they are, I drove myself crazier trying to figure out things all the time. I was so depressed, I became a shell of person. I am learning to stand on my own two feet now. I have self-esteem and self-confidence issues still but I’m only a little over a year out of the relationship, and only a month out of the abuse. He still abused me through text. This is why no contact, and blocking these people are crucial for healing. Occasional triggers that take me back. But He has a new supply now, so he stopped his abuse towards me.
I have been very lucky both of our girls can’t stand him. Reading some of the horror stories regarding them getting custody scared the crap out of me. However, I believe I will get full custody.
I feel for my kids. It’s like they said, I don’t have to be with him anymore, what about us? We still have to talk to him and be with him. Hopefully we can survive until both are over 14 yrs old. Then they can choose to see him or not, and I cannot get citations for hindering his visitations. Even though most of those have been thrown out.
I spent 16 years with his abuse, I have had one month free so far. And I feel so much better.
I am SO glad I found this AND that it is still an active thread. January will be 19 years in the marriage. My kids are older (21 & 17) and have absolutely been affected as well. My 21 yr old just pointed more things out to me than I even realized (I had numbed out of certain treatment).
My question is (I see that you aren’t able to answer them all…PLEASE do so with this one, as I think I am not the only one that might be “stuck” due to this question)…is it possible that this could be combined with unresolved psychological issues of their own and therefore it really isn’t “100% deliberate”? In other words, is there hope for help for them?
He is literally 2 different people. The “good” guy loves us so passionately and deeply and is amazing. I want him…I love him.
But, on point of your explanation, if I (or the kids) have a thought, opinion or feeling (even in the midst of a fabulous family situation), it turns on a dime!!!
There have been times where he has acknowledged and admitted his anger…and has even taken steps to try to fix it.
That’s why it is hard to accept that it is 100% deliberate.
But then…Boom…
I am definitely at the tipping point…either help for him has to be found, or I have to gain the strength to leave and reclaim my life (as Stacey said, hard to imagine starting over at 43).
I have NO IDEA how to find a counselor that could understand and help and not “blame me” for his anger. With his “lack of seeing his part”, his charisma & my lack of memory with the specific details of each situation…it’s easy for others to assume it is a communications issue or whatever. It’s NEVER about “an issue”…it’s about his anger, his treatment.
Please advise if you think that I am continuing to cling to false hope or if there have been situations that someone can get help, have their eyes opened and truly “see” what they have done, acknowledge it, seek forgiveness from their victims and change.
AND…if so, what would be good starting steps to finding the “right” counselor.
Hi Stacey, Glad that you had a “light bulb” moment reading the article on Gaslighting. Even though separation is really devastating, you are better off out of there…….you could have been there another 20 years, like many of the people who contact me. What are you talking about, 40 is the new 30, so you are still very young. You have time to heal up, educate yourself, deal as best you can with the children…….. and then pick yourself up and find some healthy loving friends, or even a new man. But get yourself healthy first, you definitely do not want to attract another narcissist. Warmest regards.Christine
This was so eyeopening to me, after 14 years with a person that has taken me from full time work, to the inability to work. This is literallt what it does to one after living with it for so long. At times I hope that he didnt realize it, but now that we are seperated, it has all made very clear on this site. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to this when I didnt have the courage, strength and doubt to open my own eyes. NOW WHERE TO START. Its been a long road. At 40 how do you start over again, and how do you help the kids heal from this……???? Thank you so much for this.
For Suzi J,
You asked “Problem is, it still hurts! How do I heal? Any suggestions would be appreciated.” I don’t know if this sharing is helpful, but I believe your situation is common. It sounds like my case of “feeling sadness and loss for the person I fell in love with who is is now gone.” You might feel hurt because you feel loss of the person your sister might have been maybe 50 years ago. Perhaps the best we can do is to honor that time by admitting that times before devaluation began were great. We were there, we felt the magic. But it was like a wonderful dream that could not last. That time and the wonderful person is gone. We can love them through good memories, but we cannot harm that person by moving them out of our lives any more. That person we loved no longer exists.
These two recent posts by Jean and Delana fit my experience too. Their narcs also choose to shut down and go silent, and then justify it for causing their “hearts to become closed” or for being “unable to hold peace when I talk to you.” Narcissists’ belief in their own spiritual superiority would be funny in a comedy, but while actually living their exercise of devaluation and discard are for real, we are in a nightmare. My sadness and loss for the person I fell in love with who is is now gone. That sadness is getting replaced with disgust that comes with the recognition that my Mrs Hyde was capable of taking that wonderful person from my life for no reason other than that she wanted to.
Yes – read and come alive! Anyone who has thought, “Hhhmmmm – this person was not like this yesterday”, has to ask if narcissism is at play. In my case, the day before the wedding vows, and the day after, were like meeting two separate people. Twenty years, and many children later, i finally found the self-worth to say NO to gaslighting. / My narcissist, being a serious Christian, skipped the disposal-stage, and simply went to gaslighting for entertainment purposes – to ease the boredom. If you’re in a serious Christian situation, and the gaslighting is just getting worse, that’s why – because the narcissist isn’t willing to throw you away. The outward appearances are too damning. In my case, I kept going to confession for “making” my husband get angry / hit / ridicule. REALLY bad news when religion justifies the behavior. Now that I’m getting a divorce, the narcissist gets to tell me how hell-bound I am. Keep knowing who you are! Keep saying, “I am a beautiful person!” Mean it!
After reading this article, I truly believe that my new marriage of 7 months is with a spouse who has been gaslighting! During our 1 year dating relationship, prior to our wedding, my husband was so sweet! Immediately after our wedding, I noticed a drastic shift in his behavior; I was being criticized for every little thing & he became extremely impatient, argumentuve, or, would completely shut down…. To the point of withholding communication and all affection. For the past 6 months, I have literally felt as if I have been going crazy trying to fit into our new home and marriage! I have been walking on eggshells, trying to please him, & I have noticed myself apologizing for everything!!! The irony here, is that I am a strong, energetic, and working career girl! This article is so well written! I could instantly see that I am in one of these relationships! My husband and I are currently separated (within the past 3 weeks); I left after he continued to cycle through an unhealthy communication pattern of picking arguments with me whenever he felt things were not going according to his house rules. If I refused to argue; no luck in discussing rationally, as he would shut down and tell me that I caused his heart to become closed. Ugh! I have been literally going insane trying to figure out why we have had so much difficulty in a new marriage!
I did it! I left him yesterday after spending the time reading, listening to the audio interview and watching the movie Gaslight. I was constantly told I was forgetful, paranoid and unable to make simple decisions was not allowed to drive or know how much money was coming into the house. I felt excluded. This after many years of physical abuse is all he had left to try to take, my mind. I asked a very close friend to help me make a reasonable plan of escape it took hours of planning. I didn’t even tell my adult sons and daughters they have been through this so many times with me. I wanted to prove to myself to my family that I have resources and friends that love me and the mom is a big girl now. So make that plan and jump! I am so so so happy right now. I will continue to follow you to see what I will need to not ever go back ever. Ive been going back for 18 long years. NO MORE.
At age 69, tonight was the I’ve heard of gaslighting. My 74 yr old sister has treated me l8ke crap for over 40 yrs. Although she’d never admut ut, she blamed me for my Mom, Step-Dad & me moving 400 miles away when I was 16 & in the last half of my junior year in high school. She was married so had her own life. I had a successful career after marrying young (only lasted a year, remarried 17 yrs later & lasted 7.5 yrs). Friends & family felt she was jealous or envious of me; however I thought she was the lucky one having children though neither of her marriages lasted either. When we were young, she adored me. In my late 20s-early 30s, she turned on me. She’d put me down & tell me I made up things & if I got upset, she’d say I was ridiculous, over sensitive, dramatic, etc. I’d tell her what & how I was feeling, & she’d dismiss my feeli gs. Mom, being an only child couldn’t understand, but soon she got the brunt of my sister. My sister was horrible to my folks in their last few years. She wanted Mom to kive with her because “you had her all those years”. What she wanted was money to take care of her. I flew down with Mom when she was discharged from the hospital again. Mom used a walker & my sister said “I didn’t want her here until she was well”. Informed her this was as well as Mom was going to be. Paid her for a month, then 2 days after she got her zecond check, she called & said “I want her out of my house today or tomorrow at your convenience”. My Step-Brother got her out of the sister’s house within about 5 hrs. Mom was left alone during that time & could not get out of the house. If I’d called for a welfare check, it would have been bad as her daughter & son-in-law are both cops in the town. Mom cried like a baby when she got back. Dad was in a private care home & I was still working & couldn’t care for Mom, so I got her into another private care home, both of which they really liked. Dad died in Jan 2000 & Mom died 4 months & a day later. The sister or her kids didn’t come to either of their celebrations of life, nor was I ever asked how I was doing. It killed me what she did to them AND me. After much counseling, my psychologist had me write the sister a letter telling her how I felt. The Dr. liked the letter after making suggestions & I was REAMED for my letter. Got a very long phone message telling me she wanted nothing to do with me & how horrible I was. Didn’t hear from her for over a year. A couple years later she wanted me to come down. Need I tell you how badly it ended? Thought not. That was about 6-7 years ago. Then she started calling again. This past Feb, I stated how I was feeling & got lambasted again. Told her my feelings were MY feelings & I wasn’t being put down by her again & that I didn’t want to nor was I going to talk to her any longer. Tomd her I was hanging up, said goodbye & hung up. My friends wondered why it took me so long. Problem is, it still hurts! How do I heal? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I’m just sooooo depressed & am on anti-depressants (have been for years). I hardly do anything any more as I cry at the drop of a hat. Sorry this is so mong, bit I’ve omitted a lot. Thank you
Thank you for the wonderful article! I have learned so much! Both of my parents are narcissistic and gaslighters. I have only become fully aware of this beginning 2 years ago. As I began to stand up for myself more and more, the mental abuse and manipulation tactics intensified to the point of them telling me i was now cut out of the Will, Christmas list, etc. My incredibly patient husband and I have decided that is fine, we no longer want any contact at all with them. HOWEVER, they keep sending e-cards to our kids (ages 12, 9, and 4). We do not let them read them, and are not sure what to do. Our oldest kids want contact with their grandparents, as they think everything has been rosy, but we have seen some beginning stages of them attempting manipulation on our kids. My husband says it’s best we have absolutely NO contact with them whatsoever. I tend to think he is right, but a part of me is terrified that our kids will one day hate us for this and we will lose them……How does one even explain this to kids??? We have simply told them and their grandparents have been mean, and don’t want us around, and that we think it is best that way. They have not experienced this, however, and our oldest has a hard time believing it. What to do?! Any suggestions? Christmas is coming and i am fearful they will be sending gifts and this will sway our kids:-(
This article is quite correct and illustrates what has eluded me from a very early age as I grew up with a Narcissit mother and then the following 2 relationships with my husbands. I was very unaware of just what was happening , after all this was the norm for me as I knew no other real existence. It only follows that I should fall victim to yet every Narcissist that could spot my vulnerabilities … I was a beacon with flashing lights, pick me.
I spent the last 20 years in a gaslighting relationship with my last husband. At first I was the love of his life, he doted on me showing me huge affection, something that I had been deprived of and yes this kind of attention was so enticing … How could I not fall into the spider web. He was so devious that for the first few years I was totally oblivious , oh there were a few incidents that left me scratching my head, but for the most part, I could ignore the bad as he reassured me that I must be making too much out of whatever had been the problem.
The blaming me for things was the first sign that something was not quite right, he would accuse me of maybe being unfaithful, I reassured him that this just was not the case at all … It was the furthest thing from my mind. Little did I know that it was not the furthest thing from his mind as he had several affairs which I later found out about. Then came the more abusive things like belittling me even in public, my friends told me after the fact that they could not stand the way he treated me …. I was so used to the verbal abuse that I let everything go over my head, and I became numb, numb inside as well. I swear he blamed me for taking breaths … I was always trying to appease him because that was the only way that I could avoid more abuse. He had taken every morsel that I was and had beaten me down so far that I could not find my way back.
Once we had travelled down to Florida, we stopped the car and it was pouring rain, we had to run across the road to get to the condo, I slipped on the slick pavement and fell crashing down on my butt hitting my head … And do you know what he said to me … I will never forget ….” Get up you are embarrassing me ” …. I had a bruise on my backside that took over my whole cheek, I was dazed from the fall, but he just stood over me glaring at me as if I was the reason for all his misfortune in life.
If he fell asleep on the couch in the afternoon and if I was not right in front of him when his eyes opened then there was hell to pay. He told me what to wear, how to wear my hair, how I should act when I was in his presence, he told me over and over how fortunate I was that their were literally dozens of women who would gladly take my place. Everything that I did or did not do was under his scrutiny …. I was told that if I had anything to say to him that I must keep it as brief as possible leaving me to explain things in a four or five word sentence otherwise he would rant on how I did not know how to communicate and I was a waste of his precious time. You must realize that he took away my earnings as he did not want me working, so I had only the allowance he gave me to buy groceries with. He had me totally under his thumb, also he knew that I had no family left either so there was no escape, although I knew it was an unhealthy relationship I did not have the way or means and also I was under his spell, somehow after all the abuse over all those years he finally left me, and when I saw him again I swear it felt like I was hypnotized into believing that he was still a very good person and I should still be subservient to him…. That is how insidious these predators can be …. I have gained much strength over the years as I battled him in court , and I found out that I can stand on my own two feet and I now can truly love myself enough that I will not be lead down that rabbit hole again … Others have tried to do the same to me but I soon realize who and what I am dealing with now … Thankfully I am now very aware and strong and capable of so much …. A lifetime of this abuse only hones the sword … Yes, it has taken me yet another almost 10 years to shake off the hideous venomous abuse … I am glad to say now I am whole and have created a happy life for myself … There is light at the end of the tunnel …..
Never in the past 40 years have i heard about this. I need more information. It all makes sense to me with the abuser in the next room and all. I want to say I’m done but in reality, it was all a lie 18 years.
I HAVE READ BRIEFLY THE STORIES ABOVE. MAYBE I MISSED IT BUT I DON’T SEE A STORY WHEN THE GASLIGHTING KEEPS ON AND ON AFTER THE SEPERATION. BUT I HAVE ENFORCED THE “NO CONTACT” RULE SINCE TWO WEEKS AFTER HE LEFT. I HAVE NOT CALLED HIM OR TRIED TO GET HIM TO COME BACK. I THINK THIS MAKES THE NARCISIST MAD. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I AM IN DANGER. WHY DOES IT GO ON AFTER THE BREAKUP? MY NARCISIST WAS REALLY A LOT OF FUN AND MOSTLY OUR TIMES TOGETHER WERE GOOD. THAT IS WHY I MISS HIM SO MUCH. HE SEEMS RELENTLESS TO STOP HARESSING ME. I MUST STILL BE IN HIS HEAD A LOT. AND I KEEP HAVING THESE FEELINGS OF GUILT THAT IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS OR DONE THAT….HE WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT. ANYBODY READING THIS CAN TELL I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED,.
P.S. AFTER ALL I WROTE I TOTALLY LEFT OUT THE PART ABOUT WHAT A HABITUL LIAR HE WAS. HE COULD NOT TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ANYTHING. HE WOULD SAY SOMETHING AND THEN SAY HE DIDN’T. HE WOULD ALSO SAY HE WAS GOING TO DO ONE THING AND THEN DO THE OPPOSITE. WOULD ALWAYS SAY HE DIDN’T REMEMBER IMPORTANT THINGS I HAD TOLD HIM.BUT HE COULD REMEMBER ANYTHING HE WANTED TO BETTER THAN ME! BUT I THINK THE WORST TRAIT HE HAD WAS HIS SNEAKINESS….HE WAS SO SNEAKY ABOUT EBVERYTHING! EVERY TIME MY BACK WAS TURNED HE WAS INTO SOMETHING LIKE A CHILD. WHEN I WOULD TAKE A SHOWER AT NIGHT HE WOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN SNACKING, OR GOING OUTSIDE IN THE DARK, OR LEAVING THE FRONT PORCH LIGHT ON??? WEIRD!! I ASKED HIM SEVERAL TIMES WHY DID HE SNACK BEHIND MY BACK AND NOT WITH ME. ALSO AFTER TIMES OF US BEING APART HE WOULD RETURN AND ACT LIKE NOTHING HAD EVER HAPPENED.HE WAS DEFINITELY A MANIPULATOR. I SEE NOW THAT ALL THAT WAS GASLIGHTING. BECAUSE I KNEW HE WAS VERY SMART ON HIS JOBS AND IN THE PUBLIC. HE JUST PLAYED DUMB AROUND ME. LOOKING BACK I GUESS I WAS THE DUMB ONE. I FEEL HE IS LAUGHING ABOUT HOW HE PLAYED ME!
this article has helped me realize what I am trying to heal from. my relationship with my narcissist lasted over five years. when I met him he would not take no for an answer. he was 10 years younger than me and that scared me and made me very skeptical of him. an inner voice kept saying “you are gonna get your heart broke”. he was very good looking, charming, funny, happy, and knew all the right things to say and do to make a woman fall in love with him. from the beginning he called me everynight, wanted to be with me everynight, texted and called constantly. always let me know where he was and what he was doing. I would try and try to set up date nights. he refused to do so. he was a neighbor that had moved in with his mom after leaving his wife. six months after living there ( I did not even know my neighbors) he introduced himself to me via telephone call. from that night on he was on the phone or at my door. I even told him he was coming on too strong. after two weeks of knowing him…he started telling me he loved me. I knew this was unrealistic. however I was enjoying every moment of it. I was living alone. no family to speak of. had been alone for four years after a bad heartbreaking divorce. I had sworn men off. was trying very hard not to fall in love with this man. it seemed too good to be true and it did not feel real. it was like an extreme high he gave me. he showered me with affection and attention like nobody ever had. I tested him a lot, showed him every side of me. I guess I was trying to find out if he was severe. he passed every test. when he knew I loved him…looking back, I think that is when the first games started. he would find something silly to pick an argument about and then he would just stop calling, texting, or seeing me.in the beginning he would give me the silent treatment for a couple of days. then I would get a call or a text about how much he loved me and missed me. then he would repeat the same scenario but each time would last a little longer. a couple of days turned into sometimes 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks. once again he would always call and express he loved me, missed me, and would not let up until he won me back. he lived across the road from me and was taking care of his elderly mom. when we were apart I could see he was home at night. into the second year of this off and on relationship I got fed up and broke up with him .he tried for a while to text and talk to me, (usually when drinking) about us getting back together. I knew it would be the same old thing again. well after being apart for about 2 months I heard he had stopped drinking and also he stopped trying to contact me. another 3 months goes by and I am missing him. having to see him in and out his yard everyday was torture. his mom got sicker and had to go live with his sister. he was alone and I texted him and we got back together. we were together three months and then he moved in with me. we were together 24/7. I have a small business that required a man’s strength. I needed him and he needed me. gonna try and rush this story up…..anyhow we had our ups and downs like everybody does but i never doubted his love for me. we did everything together, fishing, grocery shopping, yardwork, going to fairs, gambling, etc. he seemed very happy and i was also. we were also best friends. that’s just how it was for 3 years. he was my world and i felt i was his. i thought everything was good. last winter i felt we had hit a comfort zone and all our problems were behind us. we got along great. .but I never expected what was about to happen. the last 6 weeks we lived together…he became somebody I had never known. he works out of state about 6 weeks out of the year and I go with him. after two weeks of being out of state….he starts being hateful, distant, and barely calls me during the day like he always did before. he was irritable, not sleeping good, and snappy. I suspected drugs and I am pretty sure he was using drugs. I made the mistake of confronting him about it. he went almost crazy…thought he was going to hit me. it was all down hill from then on. he started acting violent. he was not a violent man and i had never seen him violent. he was insulting me, saying things to hurt my feelings, implying he wasn’t happy. he was totally obnoxious and hateful, even hinting at leaving. i am walking on eggshells and i never had before. I am still thinking drugs and after we get home he will return to normal. how wrong I was…when we got home he left me! I was blind-sided. could not talk to him and when he did talk it was only to twist the knife more. he had turned into a devil I did not know. he moves some things out on a tues, then back on wed to get some more. I was crying and trying to talk to him. he just walked out. next week he is calling to get more stuff…tried talking again…almost begging only to get more insults and hurtful words. closest I ever came to begging in my life. he was enjoying watching me cry. I even told him I didn’t think I could do this because we had been together 24/7 for three years and now…bam..you are gone! he coldly replied “you will be alright”. I asked him for a hug (not like me at all) and he acted like it repulsed him. he finally coldly said ” I am sorry I hurt you but I can’t live with your mouth”. then he said it was all my fault, he couldn’t do anything or go anywhere without me, I had kept him away from his family, etc. he went on and on saying things I had never heard before. one of the reasons he gave me for leaving was he couldn’t play the tv loud like he wanted to. his reasons for leaving were crazy. brought up things I had said 3 years ago during an argument. when he left I was suicidal, devastated, and in shock and disbelief. I promised myself he would never see me that weak and hurt again because he was getting a kick out of it. the following week he calls again, ready for some more sick torture and drama. I told him it was not a good time for him to come over and tried talking to him on the phone for one hour. I got the silent treatment and when he would say something it was cutting to the bone. at this point I told him….I can not talk to you, your mind is made up, so the next time you come get everything you have left here because there is no need to keep dragging this out. three nights later he calls and wants to come get two things and I reminded him to get it all. then he said he couldn’t and that he would get a little at the time (which was a lie). I told him he was not going to come and go as he pleased. next time you come get it all. he did get all his stuff and wanted me to be home when he did but I refused. I told him I had talked and cried three times to him and all I get back is more hurt.at this point I cut all ties with him two weeks from the day he left. this is when the gaslighting really started!. things started being moved on my front porch in the beginning. I didn’t care about that because I thought that was his way of saying he was missing me and wanting me to know he had been by. I was expecting a call from him anyday. it actually made me feel better because I had high hopes of him coming back. wrong!! started noticing it looked like little things in the house had been moved but I wasn’t sure due to my emotional state. I did not want to do anything. I was a total zombie. taking a shower became an ordeal. I couldn’t eat and I could not leave my house. I could sleep because I was so emotionally upset and drained. he knows I sleep very hard. I would cut my cell phone off when I went to bed and the next morning it would be on??? still I was doubting myself. however I am feeling a little better emotionally because he is leaving me what I thought were “cute little messages” on my porch letting me know he was thinking of me.(forgot to mention I found out 3 weeks after he left he had a secret cell phone I did not know about) about 3 or 4 weeks after he had been gone I got the courage to leave my house on a Friday night for about 3 hours to go to a girlfriend’s house. big step for me. when I got home at 11:15pm I noticed the closet door was open in the spare bedroom and the closet light was on. he had been in the house and put one of his shirts back in the closet!! still I am not thinking straight…I did not realize at the time he had a key to my house I did not know about! all I knew was he wanted his shirts back in my closet. once again I am thinking anyday now he will call me and this nightmare will be over. oh no…he gets bolder and braver with his gaslighting because I am ignoring it and not contacting him. I am in the shower one thurs night and I hear somebody walking in my bedroom. I peeped out of the shower curtain and the bathroom door is closed and I left it half opened. i was scared! I did not know what was on the other side of that door. got out of the bathroom only to find the rug at the front door had been moved over about 2 feet. the next night I toke a shower before dark, next night did not take one. following sunday night I locked the master bedroom door because there is not a lock on the master bath door to take a shower. I hear a door slam in the house twice! petrified again I come out to see another shirt of his has been put in the closet. it is not cute anymore….I am petrified and this is sick!! got my locks changed following tues. I feel so much safer. that night i walked to my neighbor’s house which is an old man that lives alone right behind me to talk. my ex walks up on the porch to the storm door and the old man told me to cut the porch light on and there is my ex running down the porch steps. both of us are scared. i called the police. a couple of neighbors come to my aid, all the dogs in the neighborhood are barking and chasing something. i live in the country and there was no moon and it was pitch black outside. nothing anybody could do. however i think he got scared that night because now he only comes around once a week and does very minor things outside like moving a border timber or something like that. can’t go into any more details for personal reasons but nobody would believe the things he has done. he had to be watching my house for hours or having somebody help him watch it. who knows?? the messing around my house stops for about 2 weeks. however, beer bottles start being thrown in my front yard, he toke down a no trespassing sign i had posted, then he gives a company my email address, makes it a point to be seen in public in my town about 4 or 5 times by himself for the first time since he left. at that time he had been gone 3 months. he moved to another town about 30 minutes from me when he left. i left out the part somewhere about him having another woman. i am wondering why isn’t he with her, where is she, how and when did he meet her? because he was over at my house 3 and 4 times a week doing things. and before he left we were together 24/7.must be somebody from his past. he is probably seeing her when he wants and doing whatever he wants when not with her. he has been seen about 3 miles from my house with 3 other guys. he seems to have met new friends. i still think drugs are involved. like i said tho he is still coming around once a week and doing little things in the yard. i keep a record on a calendar. i don’t think he will ever stop.
at the present i am still trying to get professional help. i got better when i thought he was coming back with the little games on my porch. but when he started coming in my house when i was in it, i realized he was just playing with my mind. i got worse emotionally at that point. have about drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he was doing that. i live in a small town where everybody knows everybody’s business. there are not any support groups or good doctors. a support group started last week 35 miles away at a very big nice church. i went last week and it really helped. was looking forward to going this week and i got a call the meeting had been cancelled this week…just my luck. my primary care doctor suggested counseling and i was eager to attend. this resulted in a med student just listening to me talk. went twice and stopped. now i have been referred by my doctor to another organization….went a few days ago….i got to talk to a social worker that dealt with drug abuse!! i requested somebody else to talk with next week. if she is the same as him i will have to go elsewhere. i need a psychotherapist. i do have an appointment with a doctor at the same clinic for next week. i was told this is a doctor that can prescribe meds so i am assuming the dr is a psychiatrist. but i need help and it has been so hard to get. i am suffering with anxiety and depression. my moods are up and down. i will be fine one day and stuck in my house again the next. it has been four months now and i am better but got a very long way to go. i think the proper medical attention will help me. but his “gaslighting” has made this painful process even worse. i doubt myself and don’t trust my decisions. i think one way one day and another the next. can’t seem to control my thoughts and my feelings.
this article has helped me understand this situation. i know now that i was a victim of a sick minded narcissist. he used me from the start to get what he needed and control me. he adored me, then de-valued me, and then he departed. i was there for this man when he was going through a divorce, i drove for him when he did not have a driver’s license, i helped him get a better truck (he paid me back of course), i was there for him when his mother had to leave him, let him put any money he made towards back child support while i fed, clothed, and sheltered him. not to mention he left with much better clothes and shoes. of course he did not let me know about the back child support and losing his license until after i fell inlove with him. he studied me long before he met me, i was convenient, just across the road from his mom’s. he could walk over to my house and keep a eye on his mom at the same time. he knew i was financially able to support him also. i was convenient.
I WAS HAND PICKED. SOMEBODY HE COULD USE TO GET THROUGH HIS HURDLES AT THAT TIME. SOMEBODY THAT WAS LONELY AND VUNERABLE. NOW THAT ALL THESE THINGS ARE BEHIND HIM….HE DUMPED ME VERY COLDLY WITHOUT ANY HESITATION. HE REALLY ACTED LIKE HE LOVED ME. AND THEN HE TOTALLY STOPPED THE ACTING AND I SAW THE TRUE MONSTER THE LAST SIX WEEKS WE WERE TOGETHER. I AM STILL IN DENIAL SOMETIMES I THINK. BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE HE DOES HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS A VICTIM OF. HARD TO BELIEVE THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS. HOW CAN THEY DO THAT? I STILL BELIEVE HE LOVED ME THE FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS. THE NORMAL MIND CAN NOT ADAPT OVER NIGHT FROM BEING IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP EVERYDAY TO BEING LEFT TOTALLY ALONE. I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY HAS CUT MY BODY IN HALF.
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE REST OF YALL BUT MY NARCISSIST EX IS A SUPER SWEET GUY TO THE REST OF THE WORLD. WILL NOT EVEN STAND UP FOR HIMSELF, WILL NOT CONFRONT ANYBODY ABOUT ANYTHING. HE’S ACTUALLY A BUTT KISSER THAT WANTS EVERYBODY TO LIKE HIM. HE IS EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING AND ALL THE WOMEN CHECK HIM OUT AND HE IS A FLIRT, HE HAS HIS OWN FAMILY FOOLED. HE DON’T LOVE ANYBODY BUT HIMSELF. BUT HE PUTS ON A SWEET,FRIENDLY,CARING FACE FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD. WHEN HE WAS WITH ME HE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF HIS FAMILY THE LAST YEAR HE LIVED WITH ME. HE TRIED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS OF HIS MOM AND HIS MOM JEALOUS OF ME. DID THE SAME WITH HIS SISTER AN ME. I DID NOT BUY INTO THAT THO BECAUSE I DID SEE THROUGH THAT.
I KNOW NOBODY WILL READ ALL OF THIS BUT IT HAS HELPED ME TO GET IT OUT AT A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND. FRIENDS AND FAMILY DON’T REALIZE THAT IT IS NOT A NORMAL SEPARATION WITH A NARCISSIST!! YOUR MIND HAS BEEN PLAYED WITH SO MUCH YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED!! MY FEW FRIENDS AND MY FEW FAMILY MEMBERS DON’T UNDERSTAND. ALL I HEAR IS “YOU GOT TO TOUGHEN UP GIRL”.
Wow these articles are spot on with the life I have been living for the past 5 yrs. I also feel that you took a chapter of my life and put it in words for me, and knowing that someone can understand what I’ve been living. The gas lighting definition has really made me see what I have been experiencing. I’ve been in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who has put my life in turmoil. Fortunately I have escaped, unfortunately hi ex-wife was not strong enough and took her own life. I believe he had tormented her to a point that she was to weak to fight escape after 28 yrs of marriage. She turned to Alcolhol in her late 40s and couldn’t handle his continued torture. And finally gave up. I see signs from her often! Her birthday is 11-11! I see that number all the time I believe she is giving me signs to stay away and I have seen her family recently, not ever meeting them, but saw that also as a sign to stay away! I feel blessed to be strong enough to walk away with my head held high and know that it was not me who destroyed the relationship I once thought was forever!!!! Ty for sharing all your stories , it has made my life a little easier each day to know I’m not alone!
I came across your article by sheer coincidence via face book. I have never heard of Gas lighting before. Because of this, l decided to read it. Well!!! l could have sworn you had taken the chapters from my daughters life and put it on paper. No person has ever detailed her behavior in so much detail, and given it a name. Thank you…l am not mad, insane, schizophrenic, stupid etc..etc as what l have been told and led to believe for the past 20 years. I was the “last man standing”. She has Gas lighted the whole family, extended family with her narcissism until l was the only one left. I knew something wasn’t right, but couldnt put my finger on it.
Over 20 years l have gone back to her to offer her support, love, encouragement, only to be knocked down and Gas lighted again and again and again. I thought it was me and l began to withdraw, regress, stayed away from family and friends and got so depressed, so lonely and lost all confidence in myself.
Sadly my friends were unable to support me because l couldnt explain what was happening. They doubted the “angel” they saw, was the same person l was telling them about. I had spoken to counselors, psychologists but still couldnt explain what was happening. It didnt help at all.
I’d reached a very dark place recently and decided my life was useless, pointless and l was a waste of time. Then l found your page.
Yes.. God bless you.
I know now what l am dealing with. She has my only two grand children. If l ever want to see them again, l am going to have to plan a strategy. Knowing what l know now about Gas lighters, that her behaviour is real and documented. I wonder what effects Gas lighting narcissistic behaviour has on little children in a case like this, with their mother? I wonder could she use Gas lighting with them? They are both under 7.
Thank you again for your page. I look back now and feel such a fool for allowing myself to be so manipulated. On the positive side, l wont allow that to happen again. Its now been 4 months since she has had any contact with me. The silent treatment.
Thank you so much again
Not sure what to disclose personally, but am dealing with with the Gas lighting and the Narcissisms ~ * Thanks So Much ; for this site !Read everything and learned so very much today !! My advise; “Do Not let anyone push you into a bad relationship, months pass into years.”
God bless you for providing this information to the public. I had never heard of gaslighting, and your detailed explanation of what it entails helped me to identify, recognize, and eradicate it in my own life. I was in the midst of the “discard” phase of our toxis relationship when I found your website. You are a godsend. Thank you tremendously for this valuable information. I have been sharing it and passing it on to my own followers ever since. I would love to meet you one day and compare notes, but mostly, just to give you the biggest most thankful hug.
I, too, have been a victim of gaslighting. Until very recently, I had never heard of this. I thought my situation was a unique form of emotional and mental abuse that my ex husband (married for 12 years) created and used on me. At a divorce and child custody hearing, I did learn that the psych Eval done on my ex did reveal that he was narcissistic.
I appreciate the article here that you wrote. It is so helpful and validating to know that what I have suffered is real, and I am not alone!
My ex is also transgender, and flaunts it, even joining a state Women’s Football team. He told me that I just needed to accept it and get over it. He is a security guard who wields his knowledge of the law and connections with police officers. He has called DCFS on me twice, charged me with assault once, and asks the kids if I hit them or hurt them. He has dragged me down with him twice through bankruptcy, and took out 7 fraudulent credit cards in my name, which he insists I knew about and approved, although ofcourse I had no memory of that. He is currently in nursing school. (I have been a nurse for twenty years.) He told me many times that I “have severe mental issues”, and that I “need help”. We nearly divorced three times, before I finally escaped for good. He kept reeling me back in, making promises, begging, pleading, temporarily changing, whatever it took. I suffered severe depression and anxiety. By a divine miracle, and a smart judge who could see through him, I won full custody of our two children, but ofcourse he is threatening to appeal, despite the fact that he is completely neglectful of our kids.
Escaping from him was the best thing I ever did. Slowly, I am healing and recovering. I have our two precious children, and that’s all that matters to me. I have also been blessed with the tremendous love and support of amazing friends and family. I think they’re the only reason I am still sane. Thank God for them!
Thank you. I have to do a little more pondering but I am pretty certain I just escaped a teacher
who was doing that to me. I kept believing him when he said just the opposite of what I observed.
Happily, I have friends who saw what was happening to me, supported me, and are there for me now.
A month ago, I told him that I was “done”. With this new understanding-at first I hesitated to think
anything bad about him-moving on and restoring my own health should be easier.
Again, Thank you.
Thank you for your kind response, Christine. I would like to read your books, yet, as you say, self-preservation keeps me from dwelling on this too much. We tried counseling for him and for the whole family at various times, but we never found a counselor who had the kind of insight you have. I hope more people read about this problem and learn of the growing need for special handling for these unfortunate children and parents. Economically, the world simply sifts these poor young people to the bottom, which is tragic, given the exceptional talents they have.
Hi Marylin,
To answer your question Marylin, I believe “Nature and Nurture” are both involved in pathological narcissism, and I have said that in my book The Three Faces of evil. No matter what the cause, it is a terrible thing to see your boy cause himself and others so much hurt and pain. Unfortunately, now that he is an adult, there is nothing you can do if he is not willing to take responsibility for his own behaviour. Sometimes for preservation, the only answer is “no contact” until you know that they want to change. Of course, that is easier said than done, a heart-breaking decision for a parent. Warmest regards.Christine
Just one additional question/comment: We have wracked our brains to think of what our son could possibly have been lacking, since your articles (and others I have seen) state that they become this way by being “deprived” of affection in early childhood. Everything you say about a narcissist sounds exactly like him except that. He was the miracle baby we thought we wouldn’t be able to have. He was a bright, beautiful, healthy baby, and had no siblings until he was 4-1/2. He began reading when he was 2-1/2 (what is called a spontaneous reader, not taught, just cracked the code). As he grew older and showed a need for acting, we enrolled him in children’s theatre, and he showed an amazing talent for acting all through high school, and one year of college. In some ways, we felt incompetent to deal with him, as he seemed to be in charge from infancy on. Frustration was a common emotion, but certainly not a lack of love! I would say he seemed to think we were idiots who could not control him, although we are very intelligent and had read all the manuals, and tried very hard to do what was best for him, and for all our children. We disciplined all of them, didn’t just allow them to have their way. Don’t you think it is possible, as I do, that some people are born this way? Many children are currently diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, and their behavior can be similar to this. I am talking about the rage that occurs when a sensory child doesn’t get what he wants; also the inability to eat foods that seem distasteful. We sincerely would love to diagnose and help our son in some way that really counts. We cannot keep financially supporting his pursuit for some place he fits in. I am afraid, as he is, such a place does not exist.
After reading more of your links, our son’s behavior sounds more like the narcissist than the victim. When we don’t hear from him, our life returns to normal, then the phone rings and we freeze. How can we escape his web without the guilt of responsibility if something terrible happens to him? He has been out there for several years, “on his own.”
The description of a gaslight victim sounds much like our oldest son. We thought we were good parents, and loved all 4 of our children very much. This one, however, always seemed unable to accept authority. He would even get up early on Easter, and rearrange the toys in all the Easter baskets to suit himself. Until he left home at age 30, he terrorized his younger siblings. We both had to keep a firm hand with him, and often became upset. We moved twice during his childhood, and he never forgave us for that. He has still not been able to truly get on with his life. He travels all over the country in a homeless fashion, begging for money and calling us for help via Western Union. We just want him to take responsibilty for himself. He seems to trust everybody, but nobody! He makes no friends. How can we get him off our backs? Who is the victim here? We think that we are, and so do our other 4 childre. But he is the one who suffers the most. So sad!!
Thank you first of all for the very clear information in regards to Gaslighting.
Once upon a time I was a happy, social and energetic person…………………………
I have had this all my life ranging from my mother (causing an emotional breakdown at age 9), through to boyfriends, my passive aggressive stepfather, my first husband (who managed to be the “classic” Gaslighter), next marriage and now ex fiancé.. also at work these last 6 years (the work situation had me completely confused). I have managed to pull away out of these relationships but not until untold damage had been done to me psychologically.
Despite going through all of the above bar last relationship (of 12 years) and work place (last 6 years), I have managed to not “topple over the edge” so to speak.
It wasn’t until my last relationship where he discarded me once I turned 50 at the same time as my work place bullying was taking place that I started disassociating, suffered extreme anxiety and panic attacks, frozen with fear and suicidal tendencies as well as the odd self harm.
I have been in and out of hospital these last three years (it has been 3 years since my breakup and resignation of employment) and I am still suffering all of the above. I am also going to DBT (which I have just started). Unfortunately, I think I may have Narcissistic tendencies. Whilst with my last partner I know I was not as responsible a mother as I should have been. My whole world focussed around this man, even though my children are everything to me; so it was like a constant emotional push and pull situation. He would try to turn me against my children, I would stand by my children but yet couldn’t understand how I could still be so besotted with a man who would try to do this. My relationship with him was horrendous and my poor children had to live through this, so the guilt of this is killing me.
I am so angry for allowing this to happen. I am so angry for allowing him to use me like he has. I am so angry at him for discarding me for young Asian females because apparently they treat him like a King.. his words “I thought you were the be all and end all….but your not”.
I have ruined the relationship with 4 of my 6 children…because of this relationship and because of who I have become.
I now know that since all this began 3 years ago I am slowly understanding how I have been manipulated so easily for so long. Played with so easily for so long.
I do not trust myself anymore and I find I do not like to be around people anymore.. because I do not know when the next predator will come along.
I am surrounded by them and I am trying to learn from the strategies of Mindfulness/CBT/DBT to speak up for myself in a non re-active way….and I am tired.
I have support from my sister but we come from the same mother. So I have to stay vigilant in my emotions.
I do not know anymore if I have become hyper vigilant, if people who are nice to me are nice because they have hidden agendas. I just don’t know anymore. So how does one live like this?
Thank you for letting the victims be victims. I cannot tell you how many times I was NOT believed. I am going on twenty three years in this type of relationship. Four years ago someone believed me, someone had been through what I was/am going through.
I am at the beginning of the journey to recovery, 3/4 of the battle is understanding what and who the victims are dealing with. Once I could put a “face” on the abuse I felt a load drop from my shoulders, it does not lessen the pain of daily life, but I am less apt to lick my wounds and allow them to heal and become battle scars, they are Reminders but NOT open wounds to be salted at the N’s convenience…. Figuratively speaking….
God Bless, take heart, and be thankful if you have finally discovered what is happening to you…
Our Daughter is in a Narcissistic relationship for over three years. He does not work so his parents pay his half of the rent. That way he can live in state run housing while he slowly ruins her life. He talked her out of pursuing her lifes dream of becoming a Animator because of her artistic abilities. He couldn’t continue college because his Dad was out of work, so he made her feel bad about going.She no longer talks to us and her brother is asked by her boyfriend if he’s asking for his knowledge or for ours. She has had breakdowns, slit her wrists, and he says no one can see her but him. I don’t know what to do. I can’t see her or talk to her and I am afraid he’s going to drive her to kill herself. Please help me save my wonderful, talented Daughter. She is meant to live in sunshine, not exist in his sad, controlling relationship.
This has been fascinating to read. I have been in two “gaslighting” marriages. The first was the first boy I ever dated at age 15. I was “groomed” into accepting this type of behavior. We would have an AMAZING relationship which would turn into a gaslighting/abusive relationship and when he saw I was happy with someone else he would come to me and tell me how badly he treated me and was sorry and just wanted to be friends. I truly loved him and would end up back in that same cycle. I even stopped dating a guy that was too “nice”. I didn’t know what to do with it. My parents never fought/argued and treated my sister and I wonderfully BUT upon many years I discovered that the relationship was “successful” because my mother always did what Dad said. From this I learned that if I disagreed or argued I was a failure and too high of expectations. Most people have arguments–it was unrealistic to expect not to. I was 19 when I married him. At the moment we drove away on the way to the honeymoon it was like a light switch. Who was this person? I asked to stop for an iced tea at a fast food restaurant…he told me I was reckless with money. It just got worse from there. I was in college full time, working full time, being a full time housewife and also attending his social events…but I was selfish and not spending enough time with him. I slept too much on the weekend. He became furious if I was on the phone and became angry if I saw my parents (1 mile away). We spent all day every Sunday with his parents. I studied in the attic because he said I had to because he didn’t want to look at my “mess”. He had total control of the money. I believed everything he said and asked me to do. I became a broken record saying “I’m sorry” for hours at a time. He never told me where he was in his “spare” time. I just thought I expected too much. Finally, I saw an episode on Oprah that was promoting a book about how to recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. I fit almost all of them and bought the book and read it. Much to my dismay, he found the book and the result was horrible. I always said “but he doesn’t hit me”. HA! If he had hit me it would have been so much better. Finally, I talked to him and told him that I couldn’t go on as it was. I wanted counseling. He said no-he wasn’t going to any da** doctor because there was nothing wrong with him. I then said I was filing for divorce. Luckily, that went fairly smoothly. I met with his “new” ex-wife and his narcissistic was even worse and the things that he would yell at me for were often the opposite that he yelled at her for. (He told me to do one thing but told her to do the opposite). That was quite a revelation to me.
My second marriage was another gaslighting situation. We could finish each other’s sentences the first night we met. We had SO much in common-I couldn’t believe it. It was beautiful. We had our first fight 8 months after spending every single day together-over mashed potatoes. So stupid. He wanted me to make mashed potatoes and at the grocery store I went to buy instant. He became angry and wanted “real” mashed potatoes-his mom ONLY made real mashed potatoes. Well, months later after meeting his parents, she asked me to get something for her out of the pantry and I saw a huge box of instant mashed potatoes. I was shocked. I asked her why she had instant mashed potatoes and she said that was all she made. I told her that her son said that she only made “real”. She laughed and told me that was not true at all. I was so angry and wanted to just leave him but I didn’t because it was just mashed potatoes…I can’t stand people lying to me. So….from there it was downhill. I made excuses for his behavior and lies and questioned myself if he said something that didn’t match what I remembered. I was considering breaking up when I became pregnant. I married him even though I lost the baby 1 week before the wedding. Why didn’t I just at least post-pone the wedding? I don’t remember. The first few years of our marriage was fine-we laughed a lot when we were together but again I was put down because I didn’t cook things just how he liked, etc… We worked opposite shifts so I am sure that helped us manage. I became pregnant again. That’s when the entire relationship took a turn for the worse and never went back. I thought husbands understood cravings and had sympathy for morning sickness…blah, blah, blah…. But it sure was not my world. And God forbid he had to change a diaper or get up with the baby in the night. NO….I better shut her up. I breastfeed with both of my daughters (19 months apart) and he accused me of turning the babies against him when the refused their first bottles. I lived and breathed for those girls and he was NEVER there.
When my girls were 8 and 9, the three of us were broadsided by a semi. He was upset, but loved it too because he made himself seem like the hero taking care of us (which by the way was not true). My oldest daughter spent 3 months in the hospital-life and death. I suffered from 2 broken legs and ribs and was able to sleep in a hospital bed next to her. My youngest was left with various people so that she could remain in school. When I didn’t recover fully mentally (PTSD, anxiety and depression) and physically (chronic SEVERE leg pain and seizures) he blamed it all on me. I must not be listening to my doctors…blah, blah, blah….but he was sure “fake supportive” in the court hearing to get the $30K in back disability pay and the $1.5 million in settlement money. He testified how sick I was, etc…
After that, I was worthless to him. I was a burden. He used the children against me-let them do WHATEVER they wanted except the one time that he called me and said the kids wanted to do something and he didn’t think they should so he needed a person to tell them “NO”. Only time he told them no. He made me to be the horrible mother. Lazy, didn’t do anything, didn’t listen to her doctors, didn’t care, you name it. I attempted suicide and was admitted. He had refused to take me to the hospital and my mom and sister drove an hour to get me because I called to tell them goodbye. He never even called to check on me. I really don’t know how he handled it with the kids.
To the point as I have gone on too long…once my mother told me he was “gaslighting” me and I did the research, all became clear. I did make a tremendous effort to save the marriage, but he just said in one sentence “I just don’t think I love you anymore”. I filed for divorce. We verbally agreed on everything and then he changed it all. He fought for full custody of the kids and said all of these horrible things about me. Of course I was a mess but it was because of him. Anything he did at the school or in general life was to make him look awesome and me look like a lazy, selfish bi***. $7K later on my end (I am on disability for $12K a year and he makes $100K+) I just decided that I wanted out even if I had to live on the street. All of a sudden I did get alimony and joint custody of the kids (exactly what we had agreed to the day I filed).
Anyway, I was gaslight-twice. I am frightened. Will I just go back into that kind of relationship AGAIN because I crave that idealization stage? I want companionship, but I am a romantic. I am glad I found out about gaslighting (too late) but it took 3 1/2 years before I got to the next stage. He wanted me for the perfect babies-which I gave him- and then I was nothing. What can I do at 50?
At least my 21 and 23 year old girls are finally seeing what REALLY happened.
I am ready to leave but afraid & not certain who to turn to or to call for assistance. I share a home with my 24 yr old adult disabled son who has Down’s syndrome & ODD. He is in a day program M-f @ Goodwill. I get paid from State to care for him and so does the abuser. I am afraid I will be in trouble and they will take my son from me. So I’ve been keeping quit and living Stockholm for near 6 yrsnow. I turned my will over to the Lord & I know now I must leave for our health!
Please help! Where should I go?
Hi Trose,
Your story is so so familiar. The fact that you are researching “narcissism” will give you many answers to the questions you carry in your head. Every person who suffered this from of abuse will tell you that “it is a process”. You need education, and you are doing that for yourself, so well done girl.
Regarding leaving him, well congratulate yourself that you managed to do that once, and you did not die, did you? What he did was quite predictable, just look how he could go back to stage 1 (Idealization stage) to win you back. This tell me that you mean more to him than you realize….. his narcissistic supply. On average it takes the victim 7 attempts to leave before they make a clear break, so stop beating yourself up that you went back once. Sometimes it only takes one more determined attempt before breaking free for good…… but that needs some preparation before hand (i.e. reconnecting with family & friends for support, getting some financial cushioning for when the day comes, plan a strategy for leaving, etc.).
This hold your husband has on you is typical of a slave/master relationship that he has fostered. When slavery was abolished, many slaves were not happy. They had become so brainwashed by their masters that they truly did believe that they needed them….. that they would not survive without the master. Even though they were beaten and psychologically bashed, they convinced themselves that they needed the master for survival……… this is trauma bonding (Stockholm Syndrome). Read more about this syndrome, and try to understand it, perhaps then you can be more compassionate with yourself…….. you are living in a war-zone, and you have to do whatever it takes to survive (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually)…….. and you have managed to do that, you are still alive. Take Care. Christine
I can’t believe that after 7 years of a clearly emotional abusive relationship, I can now identify that I am a victim of “Gaslighting” and see what has and is happening to me. The stages describe my relationship to a tee. I have lost all sense of self and I find myself paranoid he is cheating on me or wants to and fear he is going to leave me but talk a out it behind my back. Therefore, I am constantly checking his emails, texts and listen in on conversations. The irony of it is that even if I do find evidence, I start to question my perceptions. I try so hard to do the things he says I should do to no avail. He constantly puts me down in front of others. He blames his lack of intimacy on the fa t that I talk too much 24/7 and asks me why I can’t be “normal” like other women who sit quietly. He also says I purpously bend over a certain way, dress a certain way to attract men. He thinks I’m always looking at other men. Funny because I have experimented with keeping my head down eyes on him or my phone when out. Sure enough, the whore lashing still happened. To “get me back” he will blatantly check out women in front of me to ryle me up and sadly it works. He plays mind games and makes me go nuts all the time. My whole life revolves around him. I did leave him once for a week last summer without warning or a word. I had had it! Well we met in person at our house to discuss rent, moving,etc. Well, now I see what I didn’t know then that stage 1 of “Gaslighting” was starting all over just like when we first met. It was like a honeymoon and I felt loved and like I had a little power back as he was amazing and I moved back. Almost immediately after, the next stages rapidly occurred. However, this time the effects have worsened me as as person. I am depressed and anxious moreso than before. All I think about is what is he thinking….is he going to leave me?? I get so desperate for his attention. I dismiss friends and family even my 2 children which I hate to admit. I feel like I will just die and be even more hopeless if he leaves me. His threat is he will but always tells me where the door is and if I don’t like it leave. Out of anger he will say he hates me, wants nothing to do with me and doesn’t love me. This to be what I’ve found he uses this tactic to get me to “straighten up”. I am then watching my p’s and q’s keeping the house perfect not drinking or going out with friends and not being myself. I am very social and sadly do talk a lot so after he rants about leaving and reminding me that I just need to learn when to shut up,etc. I do exactly that. I stop talking about things and I keep quiet. Then he comes around and might give me a pat here or there.. ” throw me a bone” as my friends and family see it. At any rate, the article and comments helped me maybe start to see that I’m not imagining all of this…yet still second guess of course. People say just leave, what’s wrong with you??? They just don’t understand and have no respect for me. I am in this web so deep it is hard to think I may feel better one day outside of it. I hope I see the light sooner than later because I’m just not there yet 🙁
Roger, you said “It seems to me, from my own experience, that two people who are not the total narcissists described here, but only incidentally narcissistic because of their immaturity, can both do each other harm in this manner without intending to, and that while both will feel victimized, there was neither deliberate, nor systematic abuse by either party.”
While I agree that the harm COULD be done without intent, it is when one or both refuse to recognize the need for help that the relationship goes off the deep end. You recognized that something is wrong, which is good and hopeful. The thing that goes wrong seems to come when the two communicate (or don’t communicate). That is why I posed a question late last year about narcissists being reluctant to go to counseling. A counselor can observe the communication and bring it under control. If both parties want a good relationship, they will work with that coaching to get rid of the toxic talk. In my being subjected to narcissistic abuse, I think my narcissist was afraid of counseling was because she was afraid to discover her abusiveness. In its own way that is an admission that the problem is not just their victim being “too fragile.” In the end as Christine said, a relationship is just too much work for them. They get bored and want the next fix. It is a terrible cycle.
Ginny, There are several forums….. I suggest that you put into the search engine of Google “narcissistic abuse forums”. You see see there are quite a few, go through them all until you find one what you like yourself. You can read the posts, and join in with a response if you feel comfortable to do so. Either way, you will find so many other victims who understand what you are going through. On these sites you will find people at different levels of recovery, those who have managed to move on will be very encouraging to read….. while those who are at the stage you are at will totally understand what it is like to be in such grief. I am sure you have already discovered that so many people do not understand what you are going through…….. this is common, but can leave you feeling even more alone. Talking on the sites may give you comfort. There is life after narcissism, but it takes time to get through it. You are already on the right track, because the first step is education, education, and education. The more you research the more you realize it was not you, that you are not mad, but that someone was systematically trying to drive you mad. Sending you a virtual hug, and may you soon begin to get peace to your heart and mind.
Christine – In one of your responses to a comment, you mentioned some forums that might be helpful? I am really reaching out for support and knowledge right now and honestly feel very alone right now. I know that feeling is going to get worse before it gets better if I do decide to end things. I have four children (all grown) that are going to be devastated and I suspect possibly angry with me and I know I am going to need as much support as I can get, and from others who know what it is like to live with an emotional abuser for years.
Unfortunately I have been part of this dance for 28 years and just recently have begun therapy…..individual and couples. EVERYTHING that is described in this article describes me and my marriage. I have to say that knowing what is going on is helping me so much. So many times when we have had an argument he told me I was crazy etc., and that I was wrong when I knew to the core of my being what I was saying was right. I can’t tell you the number of times he has told me I am “too sensitive” or I “don’t take criticism well”. I have also watched my old self slowly die. Over the years he has tried to mold me to the person he wants me to be. I have reached out to our local domestic violence shelter and they have given me direction and support as has our counselor. When I started counseling my goal was to save the marriage, but unfortunately with what I am learning, I don’t think it can be saved because so far he has not been willing to admit the extent of the abuse. He keeps saying that “he is a new man” and that “I need to let go of the past and start with a clean slate”. Right now I am just focusing on myself and the future. Unfortunately if I do decide to end the marriage, I think I will have to do it without warning. I have finally opened up to my sister and close friend and shared the extent of what has gone on in my life for so many years. I am thankful that I am finally learning that it is not me, but rather him.
I see this article was posted years ago, but it really hits home with me. This describes my marriage to a ‘T’. I thought I landed the perfect husband. It changed the first week after we got married. The criticisms started with my “inability to change out the toilet paper roll” and have escalated from there. We have been married 8 years now and have 4 children together. I can do absolutely nothing right. I had gained weight with having 4 kids and he would call me a fat slob often. So I joined a gum and lost 60 lbs. Started to feel good and feel like myself again then last year he started accusing me of cheating on him with my trainer…who is in a happy relationship, and in a class with 20 other people and always have my children with me…who has the time for that anyways? So he basically makes it impossible for me to go to the gym anymore and I’ve gained back 20 lbs and fallen into the darkest depression I have ever suffered. Anyways, throughout the years he has done everything he can to bring down. I’m in this rollercoaster marriage and live my life to keep him from blowing up. I never know what will push his button…then he blames me for his anger and says I should know by now what makes him tick and if he blows up on me then it’s because I knowingly caused a fight and made him behave that way. He has threatened to kill me, beaten me beyond recognition, called me every horrible name you can think of, lied (and lied and lied), choked me, bit me, said recently if I don’t do a better job cleaning up the dog hair then he would take her outback and shoot her in the head…on and on. I have tried to leave at least 3 or 4 times but he knows I “love” (i say love…i love him but i dont think he ks real. He is an ideal. He has nothing real, he is someone different in every situation and around different people. He is whatever that person needs him to be and he prides hself on beimg able to control people) him and he uses that and our children against me. He told me a few weeks ago that if I left him he would spin out of control. He said he would quit his job and I would never get a cent in child support. (I’m a stay home mother and haven’t worked in 4 years so at this point I feel terrified that my children might have to suffer financial difficulties and even live in a shelter ) Every time I try to leave he runs to the bank and pulls out all the money. I have lost every sense of my self. To the point that I have lost friends and have trouble making new ones. I’m so isolated. A prisoner. My jail is my house, the place where I should feel most safe and comfortable. I feel like I’m being forced to live someone else’s life or as someone else. Nothing is real to me anymore. I’m drifting in and out of logic and reality and further into this dark oblivion. My kids see to be completely unaware of what is going on. We never have these fights or confrontations in front of them. We have only really fought in front of the 2 or 3 times ever. They have been noticing that I’m sad a lot. They want me to be happy….but I don’t know what to do or if I have the strength to do anything. Oh, my goodness I sound pathetic. Ugh. What a mess. Thank you for the article, I’ve known he was a sociopath for a long time but didn’t know I was actually changing because of it.
FIFTEEN YEARS of this torture in a relationship. Unbelievable I could tolerate it so long -really thinking I could fix it, make it better and help! Finally giving up after I got ‘helped’ right out of my life, everything I had, and emotionally destroyed! I had no-one I could talk with and lost my family and friends, totally isolated and alone. I knew there was something completely wrong but didn’t know what it was until I looked up narcissistic behavior and research went from there. Abusers are so warped in their minds, amazingly good at what they do! It was a horribly long, bad dream of psychological, emotional control with physical abuse doled out when facing their inadequacies -doubled with drinking/drugging… Yes, unbelievable! – but I am awake now and I will be just fine because – I woke up and learned who and what it was. I am so very grateful for all the videos and information on narcissism, gaslighting and associative psychoses abusers have. It’s important to tell how very detrimental these people are for those that are drowning without help as I was! Revealing abuser’s methods will help victims to realize that it is not their fault and they must get away from the abuser and move on. Not easily done but not impossible. You are tougher than you think you are -I am LIVING proof. Time and distance, time and distance… You are in my prayers, with love and hope.
Ron..how about a nice cup of STFU?
I have a sibling like this, has been like this for years. Shes gone as far as sending emails, harassing phone calls and recently sent mail projecting everything she is on my husband and I. She contradicts herself, attempted to call and contact other relatives who haven’t heard or seen her in years.
She attempts to play everyone against each other for personal gain. Very delusional, lies about everyone and everything. She use’s emotional blackmail to get what she wants, needless to say, its made up way out in left field myths. Then says she will stand by whatever she says. She has a self-importance and grandiose image of herself that she will never get caught, its her word over yours no matter what.
She bullies but yet hides behind a phone, computer and federal mail. Everyone has cut ties with her but those who flock with the disorder.
Ok you just described my marriage/narcissistic husband to a “T”. Oh my gosh, in the “Discard” stage, he tried to kill me in many ways over several hours. I am away from him now, and safe. Although, he is perpetuating a lie to the police in order to put blame on me. Are you kidding?!! Isn’t there any one trained in what gaslighting is in the police department? This is sicker than sick. I have faith that God will have the last word on this!
I know someone that does this. This article describes them perfectly. Thank you. I found it very helpful. I have printed it out and will give it to their victim.
On a mass societal scale, “Gaslighting” is what the Democrat/Progressive/Left/glbt/… party has been subjecting us to as a nation for several generations. Originally orchestrated by the Cultural Marxists in academia (the Frankfurt School: Marcuse, Adorno, Horkheimer, etc.) to destroy us from the inside out, use of the tactic has spread to the media and Education.
The Left has systematically engaged in (paraphrasing Wikipedia/Gaslighting) “a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.”
Thus the public is constantly fed objectively false and clearly irrational assertions and positions on everything from individual liberty, to race, to gender, to climate and etc.
The narcissistic Left has been able to produce in this way several generations of very confused young people whose perception of reality is seriously disjoint. As a professional scientist (physicist) of nearly 40 years I am very saddened by this manipulation of our cultural sensibilities and values.
Thank you for this excellent description. Often gaslighting is perpetrated not simply as a power play, but to facilitiate and/or cover up a crime, as in the movie. I was incested by my father for years. I was ‘the pretty one’, singled out as his sex slave, hunted through the house, violated and slowly tortured on a regular basis whenever he felt like it. That was my ‘home life’ growing up. He knew that my mother was a narcissist who would do anything for flattery, and in return for the right words, she earned the money while he stayed home and abused me. Gaslighting was a way of life, but when I reported my father’s crimes my mother raised it to new levels. I had been in ‘therapy’ for chronic nausea which is typical of incest victims. I also behaved like a trauma victim in many ways. My ‘therapists’ refused to believe (or pretended to disbelieve) my accusations of my father, and claimed that my disturbance discredited my testimony instead of supporting it. My parents had been feeding them stories about my ‘mental illness’ from the beginning of their association, so they may have just been innocent dupes. In any case, this was my mother’s cue to tell me a lie that I believed for decades. She told me that the ‘therapists’ had diagnosed me as schizophrenic. Only recently did I learn that they had never done this, and it became clear that she had lied to me in order to undermine my self confidence so that I would keep my mouth shut. My sisters had been taught to ridicule me as the schizophrenic sister. Every action had been interpreted as coming from my ‘mental illness’. The actions of an ancestor who was in grief had also been interpreted as ‘mental illness’ to reinforce the lie. I never had any mental illness, and neither had she. The whole thing, from beginning to end, was a coverup for incest.
My parents, most specifically my narcissistic sociopathic Mother, have been abusing me this way since I was a little. They have my entire family, their friends, and even some of my old friends thinking that I am crazy. I always knew that it was happening to me, and always called them out on it, that is why I have been an outcast. What I regret, and blame myself most for though, is that there were several times where they actually convinced me that I had a severe mental illness from this type of abuse and I told others that I did because of it; I was so messed up from suffering from all of the trauma, for such a long time. Many years later I researched and realized that the abuse/trauma had messed me up mentally for a while; as did the psychotropic medications that the Therapist that they sent me to had prescribed to me. I hate myself for doing that and I cannot unring that bell. My Mother always told me that no one would ever believe anything that I said about them, and the abuse, because I’m crazy and look at my life; I’m a loser, etc. etc. The people around them think that my parents are wonderful people and that mostly I am a pariah. My Father abused me too, but he just covers up all of her carnage; he always used to ask me what I did to make her act a certain way, or he would continually question me like I was making everything up. I could never figure out why he let her get away with destroying me, while he watched, nor could I figure out why no one ever believed me, or loved me like her. I’ll probably never figure it out; it has destroyed my life thus far. I am an only child, and I can say that it is particularly brutal to have two parents involved in this gaslighting abuse; why two people could destroy their child, and then make a mockery out of them for everyone to see, is devastating and evil beyond all belief.
Wow, this really hits home. I was discharged from the Army in Oct 2013 as a failure to adapt and have been a mess ever since. Now that I have been home I see these gas lighting patterns from my mom, dad, and husband. I was a failure to adapt because I got terrible anxieties and could not function when I learned of my husbands mental health status in 2nd phase of training. After all, I got so Army strong prior to shipping off, I thought it was a good idea to leave our two sons aged 13 and 8 at the time. He even tried to manipulate me into not going or he would tell them I abandoned them. I was SO head strong. Once he fell apart, I fell apart. Or so I thought. I do think he is capable of suicide, but he won’t go easy, not before making all of feel some sense of responsibility for it. And I do know he knows how to play on emotions. Its crazy now seeing the patterns, my mother used me as her confidon, twisting the nature of my dads and my relationship. Later in life my dad instilling doubt that I could ever do anything right. Training for the Army made me physically strong and mentally fudged. I had a first Sgt who had it out for me while waiting discharge, constantly making me feel her power of authority over when I would go home knowing what kind of situation my kids were in. Again I blame myself, can’t trust my own judgement. And I trust no one. I am the youngest of 4, my older siblings got out of the bad home life early. Saved themselves or continued their own fudged up chain of misrepresentation. They all watched me make continuous bad decisions, while they snickered and judged and offered support. In June 2011 I called upon said help. Got told, let me make a few calls I will call you back. My 2nd born sis calls me back and says, I’ve got a women’s shelter for you to go to. Oh. I didnt know how to react. I said never mind. Again tried to leave him, took kids to oldest sisters house new years day 2013. Still just sick with the thought of leaving him. This time my older boy has a cell phone. And since I’m not taking his calls, he’s badgering our son to please tell mom to come home. Fast forward to May 2013, I’m shipping out for basic training at 34 years old, with the moral support of my husband, two sons, siblings, and parents. No contact for 9 weeks. Graduated basic, husband shows up no kids. Too expensive, he says. The entire visit, he is just trashing my pride and morals, calling me a sellout. My mom also pulled some BS while I was in basic, stole my sons phone upgrade, cancelling his service. So now that I have access to my phone again now I can’t talk to him. And I haven’t spoke with anyone from my mom, dad, siblings. It was always bittersweet. Now I am just bitter. Worst part is – I see my two sons eyes and what it is doing yo them.
This is some of what I’ve gone through as a targeted individual. It’s the same but the abuse has come from my larger community.
Very good literature. I have a sibling who has harassed me for years. Gaslights and the emotional blackmail to gain what their not entitled to. I have been a victim for years. I just ignore the person. Had to go as far as blocking my number, as they got a hold of it some how.
Disappears for years, then pops up with stalking behavior. Hides behind the phone and email, sends annoymous mail, but still tells on themself by writing something in their own handwriting. Makes up lies about everyone, even their own immediate family when the person cannot get what they want.
Then attempts to call other family members who haven’t heard from this person for years also, as though they talked to them just yesterday.
This was a fascinating and informative read and I can take a lot from it to inform my understanding of my own motivations within a relationship. I can see from the comments here that a lot of people have been affected by this and self-identify as a victim of this type of abuse. I myself feel that I have been in this situation as the victim as well, and now I can see the basis behind what was happening. Something that I don’t see among the comments here, though, is anyone who self identifies as the narcissistic personality. I have been accused of gaslighting in a former relationship, and in retrospect, yes, I was narcissistic, but to then say that I did these things deliberately, with full knowledge of the consequences and a prepared gameplan is more than a stretch, it is utter nonsense. It seems to me, rather, that this is highlighting a broader issue in human nature where narcissism and self interest are somewhat the default conditions and so many of us find it hard to admit that we could be wrong. I think that this is a common problem for everyone, whether they are the victim or the abuser. I wonder who else can look at their own actions and motivations and admit that they may have behaved this way towards another in a relationship?
This was a relationship that failed, but which I could have handled better with a bit more foreknowledge and understanding, but the same can also be said of my girlfriend of the time. I can admit that I was only acting in my own self interest, which is the classical definition of narcissism. I couldn’t understand the motivations for my own actions or my girlfriend’s reaction to them. When accused of inventing things, or of misremembering how things happened, I felt as if I was the one being attacked in this manner. I honestly believed that my own experiences and understanding constituted the only real version of “the truth” and that she was the one trying to undermine my confidence and mental stability. Even though intellectually I knew that people from the same backgrounds and access to the same body of information often reach different conclusions and develop opposing ideas, this still didn’t prepare me to accept the idea that what I perceived to be “the truth” was only my own viewpoint, totally unleavened by any understanding or empathy for how my GF felt or experienced things. Furthermore, I firmly held the belief that anyone who disagreed with me was operating under some sort of conceptual fallacy which was unrecognizable to them. This, then, became the basis of my own “operational fallacy” where I could not admit that I could be wrong because, obviously only to myself, I KNEW the truth. Being accused of deliberately inventing things to destabilize someone else’s psyche, especially when I “knew” that such things were just so, made me react defensively without really understanding what was going on. Whether or not what she was saying was true, that was still the wrong way to handle things and only made the situation worse. I don’t doubt that so many people were traumatized by this phenomenon, but I do find it hard to believe that the personality described as being the perpetrator really exists as such. Or, if such a person does exist, then it is only at the extreme end of a spectrum of behavior to which everybody is susceptible. It seems to me, from my own experience, that two people who are not the total narcissists described here, but only incidentally narcissistic because of their immaturity, can both do each other harm in this manner without intending to, and that while both will feel victimized, there was neither deliberate, nor systematic abuse by either party.
I grew up with a N-Mom who started her putting-down tricks when I was just 3. I used to wonder why. Fortunately I never believed her.
She would tell me lots of bad things about myself from a very young age even if I did nothing to provoke it
. On the contrary I was a really bright student bringing in excellent report cards . From the age of 5 or 6 I would do a lot of housework including cleaning the whole house and washing everyone.s clothes (at that time we had no washing machine). She would take advantage of everything but give me no credit. Only brickbats for me. All credit would go to my brother her Golden child who always sided with her against me.Even now he does that.
To cut short a long story, now she’s 86 . I’m looking after her full-time. I was recently pursued like hell by a MNarc . He was aided by an entire army of enablers. But I managed to get away.
I never fell for his act. I got absolutely NO help from my NMom during that really horrible phase of my life. Even if I told her I was feeling suicidal she would turn the conversation to food and ignore my plight totally.
But online articles on N and MN helped me a lot. But they made me very depressed as well. I strongly recommend daily prayer strong and intense to get MNs of your back. That was what really helped me in the end.
Now I’m over the worst but still face gaslighting from time to time. They try to confuse and invalidate your feelings. Thanks a lot for your article .
It has definitely cleared a lot of confusion from my mind. I had started to imagine there’s something with me.
To all those targetted I would like to say : Be positive. They target you because your soul quality is far superior to theirs and they can sense it and feel inferior. Hence the hellish attempts to down-grade you. So take it as a back-handed compliment. Do your best to get away from the person no matter what your formal relationship with them .
To Cindy and forum, From a male victim….
Cindy,
I do not understand how you can single out male narcissists and/or psychopaths exclusively. There are MANY women abusers out there as well, and they are far less identifiable, and because of the way society views gender issues, get away with much more, than the male narcissist.
I myself am an unbelievable victim of a 27 year marriage to a FEMALE narcissist/psychopathic personality, and am left in utter shambles and confusion from the experience of it all.
Please, there are male victims out there as well, and we are NOT bullet-proof, we have intense REAL feelings and genuine emotions as well.
This extremely harmful personality disorder engulfs ALL of humanity, and is not just male exclusivity. Your post seems incredibly insensitive to myself and probably thousands of other male victims.
We do exist!
I realised that my mother – and my father – were both chronically emotionally abusive narcissists – to both each other, and to me – some time ago.
I’ve been working through it ever since.
In particular, my utterly self absorbed, un-empathic mother STILL gas lights me now, telling me the most ridiculous things, much of it, out and out lies, and expecting me to believe it.
She feels she has the right to make up the most pathetically unbelievable excuses for not seeing me (we live in different places, but only a short journey away), blaming her health, the weather, a myriad of things, whilst telling me that she has the most active lifestyle and is always out and about, doing things, invariably involving making herself look good, either physically, or to others within the community, through ‘charity work’, which she picks up for a short while, then drops as someone has ‘offended’ her, before moving onto the next thing.
I know why she won’t see me, but people wouldn’t believe me, so I have to make up excuses, which is embarrassing. The truth is, she won’t visit me, and I am unwelcome there as I am a younger version of her. Our looks are very similar, and I remind her of what she was. She remains an attractive woman, but that’s not good enough, she is ageing, and doesn’t want to be compared to me if she can’t look better than me. That’s the truth of it, why my mother won’t see her only daughter, because of her ego, and her ageing looks, which she comments on EVERY time I speak to her……….when SHE calls ME, as I’m not allowed to call her, as every time I do, it’s at an inconvenient time and she cuts me dead or makes it clear she’s very busy with something else, no matter how trivial, that something else is always more important than spending a little time speaking to her daughter. Always.
In contrast to her attitude to seeing me, her only daughter, her friends are, apparently, all wonderful, and very important to her, unless they offend her or contradict her in some way, and she enjoys telling me how much time she spends with them, their long chat, both f2f and on the phone, and how much she enjoys their company.
It hurt at first when I realised, at almost 50 years old, my mother’s a narcissist, and can NEVER love me the way she should, as a mother, indeed, that I have not only never had a father who cared, but that she didn’t – doesn’t – either. Difficult, excruciatingly painful, but very liberating!
I have educated myself about narcissism, the effects that a NPD mother has on a daughter, and it’s all there. It’s all so text book, both her behaviours, and the effects that it’s had on me, it’s frightening, actually!
I have suffered anxiety, panic attacks and now OCD for many years, and it struck me whilst reading this article, that the ‘doubting disease’, OCD, was planted in my through my mother’s persistent gas-lighting, telling me that her nonsense was the truth, and that my gut and instinct was wrong. This skewed my thinking to the point where, even though she’s not around all the time to lie to me constantly, as she has done, I doubt myself, don’t trust myself…..and there you have it, OCD.
It has plagued me for years, driven me to suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, guilt that I wasn’t enjoying my life (which is very good, I have a wonderful partner) and suppressing my natural talents and abilities, which I wasn’t sure of, as I’ve always been undermined, unsupported and told that I shouldn’t ‘fuss’ or express my feelings, or ‘show off’ and (now, as I understand it), risk outshining the star of her own show, my mother.
Now I understand that I brought myself up, I can forgive myself a little more for going so off the rails, being a wild child and getting into trouble…each and every time, my mother washed her hands of me and didn’t want to know…..as I appreciate, I didn’t do a bad job, and I am not the terrible loser that my mother’s lies and gas lighting and terrorising, threatening to disown me if I didn’t play things her way, has made me think – and believe – all these years.
My father? She alienated me from him to get me on ‘her side’ when i was a child, parent-fied me to be her support and confidante, a mini ‘me’, breaking down my natural sense of boundaries in the process, making my interactions with others and forming healthy relationships incredibly difficult, and he was so self absorbed and resentful of this other person in the house, taking the attention that HE felt entitled to, that he forgot I was his daughter, and essentially finished what my mother had started.
I am essentially an orphan, though both my parents are still alive…!
And I can honestly say, I’m ok with that, I’m ok with me, and I am forever grateful for the example that my parents set, to never EVER be like them, to be grateful, every day, for what I have, to be honest with both myself and others, generous of spirit, thoughtful, and empathic, and to recognise the emotionally vampiric stalkers of the soul who would prey on me, a full prepped narcissist victim, and suck the life out of me, as my parents almost did, and avoid those people at all costs.
I would say to all my fellow victims, that there is hope, there is recovery, because if I can do it, I truly believe that anyone can!
Love and light XXXXX
Hey Kim…
I would be interested in chatting more. I am currently in a relationship with a narcissist. Things started to get pretty bad as soon as we moved in together about nine months ago. In the last month things have gotten way worse. Until a friend of mine told me about gas lighting today I was not aware of any of this. I really love the guy I am with and I feel like I am grasping at straws to hold things together. Is there any hope for a relationship like this? I feel alone, like I have lost myself. My self esteem is gone and I feel like I don’t do anything right in his eyes. I am constantly trying to defend my words and actions and apologize for things I didn’t do. Everything I have read in the article and posts is right on to what is happening in my life. Does anyone have any experience in working through this with their partner?
wow i would love to connect with other victims on here like Rhonda. she posted march 2015. She has same fears, feelings as I do. .
i can’t believe how blinded I was. and two different guys who managed to make their gaslighting some macho contest between them. I just happened to be the one made to feel i was a heartless married hussie carrying on this affair with a guy 20 yrs my junior. my “N” husband used this situation to distract my attentions so he could cater to his current at the time new victim and to fling shame and untruths to my family about my drug use. my husband when I finally left him and moved three bedroom house by myself full of 23 yrs of a marriage and ALL of it’s furiture (he insisted I remve all so he could paint and do floors without anything in his way) into the second house we now owned. 3 hours away. he suddenly over night woke up flat broke (how did we ever qualify for this second mortgage in first place if we can’t afford it really?) he claimed and forced the need for help yet again by a man…that I know now today is an “N” also to help me and then not leave when finished and my husband claiming he had no food at home, no money in pocket yet he could take 4 trips to vegas in 4 months, took this guys rent check each month for half to pay mortgage for months, yet stps putting money into my bank account saying he isn;t supporting two people living at my house. and the every day all day insults and name calling continues for five months. Husband comes out to tell this guy to move because he won’t and Ive been asking him to find another place to live for three f the five months. Husband comes out and goes outside where this guy was working in my backyard and he says nothing to him about moving moving.
Hi Cindy, There are many ways to skin a cat….. we all have our own prefered way. Sometimes victims do need revenge before they can move on, and without doubt, you are not holding back or running for cover. It will be interesting to see if this woman does move on, or will he convince her that you are the nut…… they can do that very well indeed. Anyway, you warned her, it is up to her now.
You ask if anyone is interested in setting up a blog to expose these narcissistic men. If going to all that bother, why would you stop short exposing men only, why not go the full hog and have a blog that exposes the women who are also doing the same damage to others. Perhaps you may not have realized that women can be equally as abusive, well, unfortunately they can be. You ask would it be legal posting such a blog? I cannot answer that, but to say someone is a “narcissist” could backfire on you, unless he/she is actually diagnosed by a health professional. You need to be a little careful, if not, then he could take action against you…… they tend to like the drama of the court room. However, saying someone has all the traits of a narcissistic personality is not quite the same thing. We can say someone has traits….. because in fact, we all do occasionally. Stay safe. Regards. Christine
Wow I saw an article about narcissist that says, “Everyone has to keep speaking out,keep spreading the word about these people so they can’t hide behind their masks and lies any more.” This was a first. All the other articles says run away, hide, no contact, dont confront, dont say anything. is that because the victims are usually women and women are not expected to be fighters? Why doesnt anyone ever say the names of these men? Would that be illegal to say the name of the person you had a relationship with? I just warned the new woman my ex-narc brought to church with him after I broke up with him 30 days ago. I am a fighter, I challenged him every step of the way, I did not give him money, he gave me money and gifts to try to win me over. I told him I was never going to marry him or have kids with him and after another attempted three day silent treatment, I broke up with him abruptly, confronted him about his illness and refused to be friends unless he seek help. He then showed up to church last week with a woman he was clearly already seeing during our relationship. I told her everything, including showed her pictures, text messages, incoming phone calls and even let her listen to a voicemail. She was crying so I believe she will continue to date him, but atleast I was loyal to another woman and warned her. I told her to google the disorder and find out for herself. I also told one of his co-workers who happens to work with people with special needs and evidently the co-worker asked him about it. I want to post his name, and the information everywhere. He is a weak, manipulative, cheating, lying mentally ill looser and I want other women to know. he is a covert narcisist, so he plays the victim role, hiding behind a stutter, church and suppossedly and verbally and physically abusive father. He is supposedly such a nice guy that women have taken advantage of. Does anyone else want to out these guys, can we start a website, blog, something women can check? Would this be illegal? Someone please let me know?
Hi Ed, Your theory is a good one, and may well be right. Some researchers are wondering if narcissism is the last stop on the train to the autistic spectrum disorders, again I don’t know. However, I think the narcissist is very excited by the Idealization Stage. Also, in the beginning of any relationship we are all out to impress, so we laugh at stupid joke we wouldn’t normally laugh at, agree with the other when perhaps we don’t really want to. But when the relationship starts to deepen it moves somewhat, we become more real with each other, we have our own imposing views, in a way we challenge each other, etc. I think the narcissist experiences this shift as a rejection of them in some way, that challenge feels to them like criticism, and they feel rejected in the exchange, or even shame of some sort or other. They are also acting during this phase, and they are not able to keep it up for too long before becoming bored with it (it appears the average time is about 4 months)….. it is all too much hard work for them. I say this, because the moment they believe they have you hooked, almost over night they turn from the lovely Dr. Jekyll into the terrifying Mr/Mrs Hyde, and the devaluing begins. Wishing you well. Chritine
One of the characteristics I found so devastating about the three stages is falling in love with narcissist and then losing that person. We dated in one state and then lived in another before the latter two stages manifested. When I revisited the first state, I grieved. I wanted to go back to her condo and find the girlfriend I lost. I mean I REALLY felt like these were two different people. The person I was living with was not her I realized fully. Nor was the real person the girlfriend whom I loved so much that it gave a special meaning for all to all the places we spent time together. So it is so easy to understand the extent mental destruction and the distortion of reality that occurs in the victim. The capacity to love and imprint is what causes the heart of the victim to feel broken.
For a while I wondered why the narcissist does not remain in the idealization stage. After all, the person is now getting the attention and affirmation that she seeks, and this could actually become a long-term way of life. Then I began to suspect that the special places and moments for the victim are not special to the narcissist. There seems to be a part of the brain in a narcissist that just does not feel in ways that allow these events and places to imprint as anything precious . It is a bit like I have heard of the inability to achieve bonding and closeness in some autistic brains. They do not initiate hugs, “I love you,” holding hands while walking or any cuddling in the night. In the latter stages, they tend to avoid eye contact with their victims, to sleep with their head under a blanket or pillow to physically barricade themselves from their partners in bed. The narcissist’s experiences and their intimate spouses/partners seem to me to be seen as mundane and as nothing special. Leaving an intimate relationship poses no problems or feelings of loss.
Hi Margaret, Sounds as if you had a miraculous escape. I think it is a wonderful thing that you are learning as much as you can about this personality type.. As you go along all the missing pieces of the puzzle will fall into place. It has only been three months, but look how far you have come…. you are amazing. I am glad that you managed to get some form of help from my articles, that makes my day. Warmest regards. Christine
This website has saved my life & my sanity. I was supply for my narc ex boyfriend for 6 years. He lured me in through gaslighting techniques as described above – charming, fun, sociable – he swept me off my feet! I felt I truly met my soulmate & that we connected on a level that was so much deeper than any relationship I ever had. After 2 months of dating he convinced me to move in with him. That’s when the games began. 6 years of lies, manipulation – I felt like I was going crazy, insane. He convinced me that I was bipolar! There were signs throughout the relationship but I ignored them – always apologizing for everything. When I called him out on cheating – even finding evidence (hairs, woman’s earrings, etc) he denied & I would end up apologizing for MY feelings. I almost lost my life when his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior led him to drug me. Had I not trusted my own body & mind – realizing that I was drugged before I had consumed enough of the drug & getting myself to safety – God only knows what would have happened. It’s been 3 months since I’ve been free of him – I’ve gained my confidence back, my self esteem is improving, I’m learning to love & respect myself again & more importantly, I am educating myself on narccisitic behavior so I never repeat these mistakes again & become someone’s supply. Thank you for this website & this education. God bless you all!
Hi HH, Well now you know what was happening to you, finally you don’t need anybody elses approval….. you have the words of your own inner child, and now you can parent that inner child through recovery when you are ready. It should be easier now that you are away from your abusers, and they are not here any longer, but it is still a painful process to begin with. How clever of that inner child to keep a diary that would someday set her FREE. She is a little treasure. Warmest regards. Christine
God, thank you for this. I’m in my 50s and still healing from the effects of abuse nobody in my family will admit ever happened. The parents would beat on me and then provide a story, regardless of how preposterous (like “She wrecked her bike” when I didn’t even HAVE a bicycle) to cover it up. I was told outright that I was crazy, evil for saying such horrible lies about my loving father, that “you don’t remember things the same way everyone else does” and “you have a warped mind!” I was supposed to believe the excuse, too.
It was so bad that from age 12 onward I kept a diary of what happened to me, so I could look back at it and reassure myself that things really DID happen the way I remembered. I was beginning to doubt whether I was sane or not. It was sick.
I left home and cut off contact with those people. I never really felt safe even then, until they finally died.
Hello to all here
My life could be for a anyone in the psycology field , a gold mine , from childhood physical and emotional abuse to spousal abuse. Yes girls and guys us men do get abused too. 🙂
It is true that when you are abused as a child you are for lack of a better word “set up” to be continually abused, and unfortunately, the abusers come out of the woodwork to find you , literally They look for you .
I was in a 13 year marriage with a narccistic woman, it didnt seem strange at the time that in and through our 1 1/2 year engagement that we never had any dissagreements what so ever. But two months into the marriage the veil was removed , and the true person came out. I knew that I never shouldve gotten involved with this person. But as time progressed, and the abuses got worse, yes even physically, everyone kept telling me that “this was normal behavior for a newly wed couple and that 5 years was an exceptable time period for a couple to get to know each other”. but it never got better, and this persons resentments , verbal attacks were unrelenting. She would , after an attack and i would leave her, convince me that she wanted to get help and that she would do so. Only to go to the therapist and when the therapist started in on her behavior , she would not go back and all the stuff would return to where it was before. But the intensity of the abuse would get worse. I have been called everything vile under the sun that any person could ever be called, i ve been spat on, kicked in the privates, backhanded until my nose bled, that was until i hit back , then that stopped.
these people are truly sick , and the only way it would appear to have any kind of normal life is to be rid of them. Counseling will not help them, bending to their will will not help them, you can not and never will be able to please them, that is unless they are getting their way, and they are masters at the manipulation game. What i fond helpful in those situations is that when they go on a tirade not to get involved in their game of abuses, step out of the situation, they cant abuse you if your not there. but get some fresh air different surroundings. But again thats only a temporary fix. You will be alone because they have isoltaed you from family and friends, and done so so you cannot have any support in order for them to abuse you.
A fellow co-worker of mine before he passed away gave me some very good counsel, and he was spot on in his counsel. He said this , there is three things that might take place in your relationship as it stands, 1, you will eithyer kill her, 2. kill yourself, 3. or leave. Well beings that i didnt want to go to jail , and i wasnt about to do myslef in , i left her, got divorced, and have had two other serious relationships since. MY last wife was a pathological liar and a narccissist, and the last relationship i have had to end because of her abusive behavior too, and it all fits into the catagories mentioned in this article. We are primed and prepped for people to abuse, use and try to take advantage of.
Frankly speaking i am a bit tired of it and have come to the conclusion that I dont belong in any type of so called “close” relationship. Because I am tired of getting hurt. I cannot afford to get counseling , and have done a lot of exstensive research to find out why I am such a target for these kinds of people. But wihtout any idea as of yet as to my problem.
But if i may say so , just for those who have been abused by these types. There is nothing wrong with trying to find someone to love and be loved by also.
But if i may add, set up healthy boundaries, emotionally, physically, and do not under any circumstance allow anyone to cross over those boundaries, and if they do, drop them like a hot potato and get the heck out of there .
That has been my experience and i have stuck to those, and i have expressed those as well to those i have been with. it didnt help me but it gave me a guide line to adfhere to when making a decision about whom i would want to be with. For me its probably too late , and i am ready to complete my life out alone if only to be happier, than to be with someone and be miserable together.
Thank you
Wow. I cant believe what I just read…it is exactly what I expereienced in my first marriage of 13 years….which I finally got out of 8 years ago. I am recently remarried and I cant honestly believe that i am xperiencing the same thong again. I thought I had healed sufficiently from my prior years of abuse…i have benn married now almost1 year…and recently…I am so confused about why things have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I feel like i am constantly defending myself, being accused of forgetting conversations or things we discussed that I have no recollection of…it is creating great difficulty. I feel like I am going crazy…recently went for an evaluation because I felt as though my brain is not working right.
How could i forget important info and conversations…i honestly dont think I have forgotten anything…and believe my new spouse is messing with my reality…he yells and rages at me and now I am walking on egg shells around him. I even find myself afreeing with his false reality just to keep the peace. I am beside myself…still trying to defend and deny him…but I see I am loosing this battle…and loising myself in the process.
Thank you for putting a name to this insidious abuse. Its only been 6 years but the effects are soul crushing. We are definitely at the “discard” stage, he is thoroughly finished with me, but for some sick reason I am still hanging onto that crumbling cliff.
He is a handsome, financially secure, very accomplished athlete. One would never believe he is mentally abusive. Some people pick up on it right away (the ones that have experienced the same abuse) most others think he is a great guy.
Absolutely everything in your article is correct.
At times I feel I will never be normal again but I am determined to move forward
Thanks again
Thank you for this very informative article, it has been very helpful and I am sure I will read it again and again. My problem narcissistic gaslighter at the moment is one of my sister’s although I too have a list of narcissistic relationships I have had throughout my life starting in childhood all the way through my adulthood. I have done a lot of research into the workings of the narcissist in the last few years. You have described the my traits as the victim as well as the traits of the gaslighter very well which is very validating.
A few years ago I was involved in what turned out to be an abusive relationship so my sister invited me to attend a week long workshop she and her husband conduct. She told me if I came up to attend she would pay my way and I would get 30 hours of college credit to put toward a certification in the program she and her husband had designed. My sister told me I would be helping at the workshop and sitting at the front desk registering the other attendees. My sister also told me she would like me to be her personal secretary, housekeeper and run the classes in her program which needed my life long career experience. She told me the two of us would travel around to different states and run a booth at a national annual program which I had attended whenever it was in my state. I was at a very low point in my life having to leave an abusive relationship so all of this promise gave me a renewed hope for a better life. My sister and I brainstormed on all the activities possible with this new certification and the college credit hours. So I packed up my vehicle and drove 1300 miles to her state. When I arrived I was told I was to stay at their house and drive to the workshop everyday. I was not given any directions of schedules when I attended. I volunteered to take photos. It was difficult to talk to my sister during the workshop as she was very busy with the workshop. I felt lost as soon as I arrived and thought I had misunderstood the plan. My sister acted as if everything was going as planned. She did buy my lunch every day at the workshop. Everyone seemed to know the schedule of the workshop but me. I did managed to find a copy of the workbook my sister and husband wrote and followed this to the best of my ability. I never did help with registering what ended up being my job was to clean the cabin she and her husband stayed in during the week long workshop. On the last day of the week long workshop, I took photos of all the people who were called up to receive their 30 hour certificate and get a hug. My name was never called. So at the end after my sister talked to all the people who thanked her profusely for the wonderful workshop, I told her I didn’t get my 30 hour certificate, she seemed miffed that I interrupted her and quickly wrote me out a 30 hour certificate and handed it to me. I left and driving home felt very disappointed and disillusioned thinking it was all my misunderstanding. 3 months later I moved to the state where my sister lived to become her housekeeper, personal secretary, and continue working toward my certification which would be in 2 months. When I arrived to my sisters house with my little U-haul trailer, there was no place to park and all these construction vehicles were at their house. My sister and husband had started a new addition to their home, a new studio for workshops. I cleaned her house once with the help of my other sister who had cleaned her house for the last several years. I went grocery shopping for her once she told me to call her from the grocery store for the grocery list and she never answered the phone. I made she and her husband a big pot of veggy soup once. Then one day she called me and told me she was on the verge of divorce so basically forget the whole thing. Very confused and disoriented I looked for a job and landed a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment one room for me and the other room for my small groups my sister said I could make $100 an hour conducting from my home I will have from using my certification. 2 months passed and one day I got a call from my sister. The certification was in 3 days. My sister asked me if I had done the homework for the certification. I asked what homework? She said the homework in the emails, I said what emails? I have not received any emails. She said well you can’t get certified without doing the homework. She then said oh I forgot to put you on the email list, OH WELL, THERE IS ANOTHER CERTIFICATION 5 MONTHS AWAY YOU CAN DO IT THEN. I said what about the 30 hours from the workshop? Since I wasn’t on the email list i was not registered for the college credits and this is why I hadnt had any information at the workshop. I was totally devastated, especially since I was still recovering from the other horrible breakup just a few months before. I had to give up my beautiful 2 bedroom apartment and giveaway many of my personal belongings, I had to pay an extra month since i signed a 6 month lease. I had used my retirement money to finance this endeavor. I moved across the country to a friends house. A few months later my sister started sending me updates about this one woman from the workshop I attended, she had been in the same line of work I had been in and my sister was recruiting her to fill the job I was supposed to do with her. This person also had worked at the same center I had worked and this person and I had a common coworker there. My sister emailed me detailed updates on what a great job this new woman was doing, I was so terribly hurt and I finally wrote back and told my sister i didnt want to hear about all the things this woman was accomplishing. My sister wrote back basically telling me I was being very inappropriate not wanting to hear and asked if i was somehow hurt by these updates.
I have been processing this whole experience for the last 5 years, I have looked back through the years at the relationship my sister and I have had and found many instances where my sister has taken advantage of me when i have been at my lowest times of my life. This sister has told me many times throughout my life that I am too sensitive, too emotional and that she believes I have dual diagnoises, this sister of mine has a Masters degree in child psychology. I used to look up to this sister even though she is younger than me. She is The Golden Child in our family. I was in total denial about her behaviors and always thought it was my fault. I thank you and others for your validation.
Very interesting article. I went through the same gaslighting experience for about three years that left me depressed, suicidal and just on the brink of insanity. I doubted myself so much, I had all these anxiety disorders. He would build me up and tear me down. He was married and manipulated me into being his mistress but he was only good to me when he wanted sex or money from me then he would reject me, refusing even to hug me, making me feel like a whore if I initiated any sex. He often goaded me, telling me to leave him if I could but I was so weak willed that time. Eventually I started to stalk him and his wife and sending abusive messages. I felt crazy doing that coz it was so far from being that person! He would tell me that I’m fat and try to give me tips for my skin but I knew he was just trying to make me feel bad about myself and show me how much better his wife was. I told him about my rape when I was a child and he dismissed it like it was nothing. When he took my virginity he told me virginity is overrated just to show me that it wasn’t special. Anyway I managed to get away from him one day after I faked a pregnancy and he asked me to get an abortion. His wife tried to pick a fight with me but there was a police case and I got a restraining order. There’s hope for everyone out there. I wish I had found this article then.
Wow…..I’m shaking from reading this article and as many comments as I could bear. My mom groomed and prepped me quite well for becoming prey for gaslighters. She was my first, my brother my second (the only male) the rest included co-workers, one very close friend, and my adult daughter. In my mind and heart, I believed it was all my fault the relationships were similar – proof to me that I had an unhealthy pattern and couldn’t shake it. I stayed in these relationships for years and years. I never recognized it was recurring until the ‘discarding stage.’ The last two – friend and daughter – fortunately happened present-day and I have saved all the emails to explore with a different therapist. Insomnia, drinking for over a year, skittish around people, I was scared, enraged, so very lost and confused trying to make sense out of why I was rejected so coldly why didn’t I remember any of the things they said I was guilty of? I looked up ‘gaslighting’ and this article is the first I have opened. Oh my god, it makes so much sense. I had to cut ties with my daughter (40) a few years ago. It was painful and after a year, I realized how much lighter I felt. No more stomach problems, or hiding, or doubting myself. No more guilt over last-minute cancelling babysitting her child (I had to eat certain foods while there, not ever turn on the tv, could only have the rocking chair in daughter’s office – yep she was there all day criticizing, monitoring, ridiculing and I was groveling, begging silently for kindness.) I do want all my kids to continue connections with each other – there will be other children likely, so I have pulled out of everyone’s lives. I have neither the strength or desire to explain something to the other kids what I still cannot explain coherently to myself. I miss three of them; the oldest – I celebrate often my escaping her. I need to find out what I did as a parent to help her become the psychological bully she is. Thank you so much for this article.
Thank you for this information. I stumbled upon the term and was curious as to its meaning. Wow was I surprised. I kept a journal during the short period of dating a woman who was manipulating me. I knew something was off and kept doubting myself. I was being gaslighted. The 3 stages were so distinct. This was a whirlwind relationship that imploded but I never say it coming. I am going to share this information in hope of helping others. It all happened so quickly. This woman went in for the kill. Ate me up and spit me out. I still can’t believe I fell prey to this woman.
I have never come across the term gas lighting before today. I can see that it is very common in relationships in America today. Just to be aware of gas lighting is an amazing tool to better ones life. What a great article. Thanks for this precious knowledge.
I have seen little mention of “punishment” in these posts.I was in relationship with a narcissistic gaslighter for 14 years.All that you mentioned here,at first exciting loving,helpful kind,but things changed dramatically when I moved in with him…The games started,hidden car keys making me frantic and late for work or appointments,and when I got home the keys would be exactly where I left them the evening before…many games of this sort,and also isolation from my friends.Being rude if they visited,told them lies about me and things I was supposed to have said about them, etc..
I am no fool,and not easily manipulated,when I challenged him,things I valued would disappear or be “broken”,(my family photo’s,my resume’s things of little value except to me,Some part of my car,not dangerous,but which would render it unusable.My vegetables would all mysteriously die.)but he always left a tiny hint that it was him.He wanted me to know,but again not to be certain enough to challenge him..The last 18 months of my marriage was frightening,and I was so relieved when it was over…
I moved away and started my new life …Three months later he knocked on my door and informed me that he had bought a property 12 KLM away from my new home…I was sickened but struggled on…(but he is such a likable chap)…He now has prostate cancer which has slowed his game somewhat…Some people think I’m a bit neurotic with all the locks on my doors and garage and sheds…but the thing is ..this man is clever…He has done nothing that I can or could report to the police..If he does..he will be reported…but you know somehow that really scares me….I cannot afford to relocate again at this point and at my age..age….I continue to feel vulnerable…
Ms. Christine,
I have been searching for a book that you may have written on gaslighting. I looked for the book you recommended by Robin Stern but it is $100 to order as I am in the U.S.A. Have you written more on the subject than this “effects of gaslighting in narcissistic victim syndrome.” article online? I have not learned about this subject until I came to this website and I am desperate for more as I am certain my husband has been gaslighting. I have only recently established the “no contact” and am living apart but I am concerned and somewhat afraid of seeing him because of the emotional hold he still has on me (in confusing my thinking). I love what you have written here and I am amazed at how it describes our relationship.
I have and continue to go through the gas lighting phases with the abuser, but I sense that it must be a psychopath – I read that when they are through with their victim – they murder them. I was shocked that this would be the outcome. I am kept under a kind of surveillance so that ‘magically’ they can appear at the right moment anywhere anytime. I am also followed around, stalked so that I can even be aware and feel the terror of his message of his lust to kill me, but when he is ready. It is death row and has been a trial without any sane truth or defense from anyone. Any person I can speak with, including the police or even a therapist – he has managed to talk with them so that each one of them knows whatever he tells them to know about me, I am never able to represent myself, speak my truth and have that living reality. I have no friendships. The abuser has taken over my life completely. His lie like clothing is all that I have to wear. He clogs up the drains with material so the water can not drain out. He controls the electricity ‘magically’ turning it off and on at will, running the electricity to some other place, I have been charged outrageous amounts for electricity that has never happened in my life. He always lets himself into my house when I am gone – my things are always missing, and others explain that I have lost things when I am sure he has robbed them. I have no security, no safety – it is like being rapped whenever he feels I need his punishment. His constant manipulations are his warning that he is the wizard of oz and that I exist merely by his kindness or affection, that he can and will dispose of me when he wants if I do not become more committed to worshiping his all powerful anointed special powers. Any individual who is some position of authority is some special friend of his, for they all adhere to his recreation of who I am and treat me with disdain or contempt for the lies and criminality of his personality as a cloak of deception now worn by me and not my truth. My employment was taking from me by his constant interference, the same with my educational vocational training. He ‘magically’ kept the emotional violence boiling over each and every semester so that I was fully exhausted from enduring the daily attacks. Any complaint of the truth of what he was doing to me was an automatic evaluation of mental illness for me. The gas was left on in a science laboratory that could have caused an explosion at the work table where I sat. I was shaken by this action to infer that I was trying to cause an explosion. When an investigation was done after my repeated request, any initial support for me and the trauma I experienced disappeared and I was formally given the responsibility and blame for the incident. Even in these blogs I have no idea if anything ever reaches the intended destiny – some of my emails have ended up in some persons draft folder. I was told by one person their computer was hacked into and there have been messages sent to them disparaging my character and accusing me of all sorts of sicknesses and ugliness. Guilt and shamefulness are the rule – for there are so many incidents that it just overwhelming concludes that I have to be the fault and am not honest. I was thrown out of my training program though I had done well on my exams, and one school I had scored the highest on the entrance exams. I am allowed to permitted to the program, but without fail I am failed for some excuse after another that is so obviously untrue. The lie is all that is left to any reality each and every day. Sorrow is the sun that shines day and night. It is possible to go through complete days and nights without any contact with a single human being. Should I by coincidence make a new acquaintance and enjoy the individuals friendliness, it is not soon after that possession of that new found friendship has been taken over and the person now has a disdainful attitude toward me. I am to be humiliated at the market, at any business I wish to visit by some employee or manager, to cause shame to be my constant and ever closely attendant to a reality of an entire world of hatefulness, cruelty and non-love in abundance. Despair, pain and suffering given and experienced as the new world of non-being. Everything of necessity for survival is threatened or already removed. Any legal rights are non existent and any moment is the last moment to know. Somehow every aspect of my life goes to this monster brain of all knowing how to destroy human being, who usually destroys anything or twists its reality into his ugliness deflecting all his wizardry of cruel evil doing onto me that becomes the unbecoming of myself that everyone sees. This abuser has gone where no abuser has ever violated. His cruelty has become the all of everything there is of a reality of lies, there is no room for truth, certainly not mine. Death has become the only certain reality that is allowed and possible. Life has been removed from me, the reality of it being possible along with every part of it like love, friendship, employment, housing, socializing, relaxation, happiness, comfort. I know what death row is. I know how it is to wait for the final moment of breath and to open ones eyes to look around at the world. I know the isolation that is inflicted, the absolute removal of any communication in letter, or phone conversation, or in person talking. Everything is cold, and most communication is untrue. There is a lack of truth in almost everything now. The friendliness of any individual near or far that I once knew not so long ago is completely gone, there is just an echo of emptiness. It is a corridor of death, like a cow that is herded down a chute toward the slaughtering room. I imagine I will be surprised to see who the people are who will be sitting in the theater to contentedly watch me put to death with some distorted expression of their fraud, that they are relieved finally that their lust to destroy and rob me of life has been brought to fruition. The strange thing is – I saw this in my imagination such a long time ago. I saw my mother and father and a therapist holding hands while I was being put to death. My father has already passed on, so my guess is the abuser will take the place of my father in the death theater. The abuser has been nothing if he has not been father, all knowing and seeing so that he was the most capable of being able to denounce my life, after all it his criminality that I have been fully clothed in as he knows, he has done everything to put things just specifically so that defies any truth in me and no lie or monstrosity in him. It is very difficult to understand how a monster of hate and lies can take over a persons life, just trespass on you and then set about to murder you each and every day so casually and methodically and even openly and publicly and no one sees, cares or knows anything of the crime being down. A master of the dark arts, of hatred, murder, insanity, lies and filth has no effect or shock on any one, only I am able to see what is being done, to know evil and how easily and comfortably it may reside anywhere, but that I as a human being am not able to live by its mere saying of it. I have struggled for many long and difficult years with it, almost 30 years. All of my being has had the weight of this vicious vampire sucking me into death and hatred, a torturous and criminal thing to do to a person. By any and all imaginations the shocking reality of the ease and comfort for which this vicious evil thrives, I see how any hateful individual is able to do whatever they want. Somehow no one ever sees anything or could care. There was the opposite of this cold uncaring unreality
long ago now before the cruel deceiver rob and pilfered my life, there were loving people and kindness and generosity. My life was once upon a time ago, my own. I lived how I wanted and where and I tried to let go of idea’s of my mother and fathers need to have me destroyed. My parents need to have me destroyed happened when I was five years old, I am much older now and that was a long time ago and so I tried to let it go until I found myself in that reality and moving closer to that moment that was their need to have me disposed of. I miss my life and I wish at moments I could have it returned to me, but I realize that wish is not very likely so I have done my best to reconcile myself to the reality of having to die any time now. I will no longer have to defend myself against the insidious lies as so much trash that I am faulted for, and I could careless about the lies that will in short give me also full responsibility for my death. There is no one to care about the truth, no one knows better than the perpetrator, abuser, destroyer, and murderer – he has it all taken care of. The expert care and attention to detail is the monsters effect also, this is his life, career and passion, no messiness upon his hands or clothing. I say he but he has his technicians of female appearance who gleefully find good times in executing murder with him. I expect killing people, tearing human being apart is their sex perfume, they are woefully impotent to enjoy feasting on each other unless they are putting someone else to death. Death and suffering drive their sexual libido crazy. They are not sloppy but very professional and I imagine I am not the first person nor am I to be the last. I am sure they must have others in captivity that are in some stage of being deteriorated. Maybe one day quite by accident some door will open up and a room full of human bones will be stacked up and piled up, the aphrodisiac of those vicious abusers and criminals, maybe something will be done, maybe not. I once knew and lived a beautiful reality of human being, how good it felt. I once knew what it was like to be loved, how good it felt. I once knew my own effort of loving another, how good it felt. Those experiences were the truest sense of what it was to know anything about myself, about others, about life and living. I knew then how sensible it was and how I wished all the life and time that was given to me that I could have lived in this way. I wish the same right now, I wish I had always lived my life in this way and have never known the unreality of non-love and non-human being. There did not seem to be any choice in the matter. The cruelty was the teaching and knowing of a reality that I was taught I must have for whatever insane reasons, and loving kindness, friendship and being human being were simply a miracle, a brief moment to know there is another world out there besides the hell that I was to be given and educated into. I am thankful for those miracle moments, otherwise I would be impoverished to never have experienced any true self or life or of loving and being love. I feel happy that there is something wonderful beyond the confining unreality of the delusional drunkard of murder, lies and perversion of the heart and soul of my being. It would be such a social, technological genius if the next unveiling is not that of a smarter computer or cell telephone or rocket, but a way of human being having safety and protection from the abuser destroyer, that would be genius.
Hi, Thank you for this article- it is very interesting to read and has me questioning and thinking about my current relationship in a new light. I find the circumstance I am in very odd, and I am trying to sort it out before it becomes severe or damaging to my mental health. I was in two long relationships (for my age, I’m 24) that were both incredibly healthy and very open in regards to communication. I went away to school to do a graduate program and met someone who was seemingly enthralled with me ‘from the moment he saw me’ and then pursued me rigorously. He was/is charming, handsome, from a wealthy family, intelligent and seemingly moral. I really thought he was prince charming and eventually fell for him and ended my previous relationship to be with him. He quickly moved into my dorm room and we would see each other all of the time. Everything was extremely perfect- we would fight but it would be about our different political views (he sympathizes with Machiavelli’s view of the world and idealizes him whereas I tended to do that with Plato) etc. and it was stimulating and engaging and I genuinely loved his passion and rigor and I truly believed in a sense that he was my soulmate.. and this only compounded as the months when on. But then began this weird string of behavior where we would get in these huge fights and then he wouldn’t talk to me until I apologized. Like, he literally wouldn’t speak to me unless I mitigated the circumstance in his favor. He would also demand that I say, ‘you’re right, I was completely wrong’ before we could move on and stop fighting. Obviously this is annoying and draining, especially if we were fighting about a point that I didn’t think was so clear cut. But then the behavior became worse, and he would get angry with me for not texting him back if he saw I had read the message or if I only sent a brief response. I have found myself feeling like I am walking on eggshells in order to not upset him. But when this isn’t the case, our relationship is otherwise perfect- we have stimulating conversations and talk for hours, we are both extremely complimentary towards the other person and I still feel like he is my soulmate. I lived with him and his family for four months though, and I saw the anger towards his family- getting annoyed or frustrated with them over nothing and then refusing to speak to them/ treating them horrible until they relented. I was surprised that they are compliant to this behavior and don’t discuss it at all (whereas the little brother goes to family therapy for anxiety). When we would get into these fights I would initially combat them very hard- I would pack my bags, book plane tickets, and proclaim to leave and eventually he would say ‘I love you’ and it would end. But now I am so drained by them I just find myself apologizing in order to have the fight end earlier and not go through all of these ridiculous steps. But now even apologizing isn’t working… it is like he’s a control freak and just needs to have everything on his terms. As I said though, it is hard to just leave as when we are not fighting (we fight maybe once every 2 weeks) it is very fun to be with him and I am genuinely very happy. I am just so confused as he cannot discuss anything critical of himself without getting into a huge fight and I don’t know what to do.
Hi Juliette, It seems that it has taken two narcissistic relationships to bring you to the realization that perhaps you were dealing with this form of abuse in your home as a child. Please do not turn this in on yourself, how could you possibly have known how your father’s emotional abuse was going to condition you for future relationships with other men. But now you have the awareness…..Eureka!!! It seems the Universe provides us with experiences similar to the initial one that made us develop unhealthy boundaries in the first place, and leaving us open to re-victimization again and again until we finally wake up. Well you are awake now, and you have survived….but it may be worth doing a little work on yourself for setting healthier boundaries. The chances are that you earliest experiences of rejection by your father set you up to be “too nice” ….. this is a defense mechanism that helps the child avoid further abandonment, and in that way stay safe. So the “pleasing” behaviour is a brilliant way a child uses to survive harshness. Trouble is this very defense that worked for the child can actually work against the adult, and attracts narcissists who craves attention and niceness from others. You need to build healthier boundaries…… there are plenty of books, or the internet, where you can find exercises to discover whether your boundaries are too weak or to ridged. Have a little fun finding out what you need to tame, train or develop in relation to your boundaries. Remember, you can never change a narcissist, so don’t even bother trying. However you can change yourself, once you do that you will find that narcissists won’t be as drawn to you as they are now. And even when they are, you won’t allow yourself to be hooked by them. Enjoy a relationship with yourself until you are ready to venture out again.
Having come out of a second narcissistic relationship, I blamed myself at having been taken in by him. It is only now that I acknowledge the emotional abuse by my father, telling me all my life I am a failure and useless that I realise why I allow myself to be taken in by the idealisation phase. My ability to see the red flags in difficult because I do not know what good man acts or behaves like. I am now alone and single and intend on staying that way until I am strong enough in myself and even if that takes forever I will get there!
Hi Rita,
You are not completely lost, something in you led to you researching narcissistic abuse, and wondering if this is what is happening, so you still have some power within you. You know about gaslighting, about the idealization, devaluing and discarding stages of any relationship with a narcissist, so you also have some education as to what may be going on in your life. Right now you are able to work, but in this environment you are going to lose all your confidence and self-esteem over time, and without doubt, you will become a shadow of the woman you were when he first met you.
Nobody can tell you what to do, this has got to be your choice, because you have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. If this man has a personality disorder, then he is not going to get any better, and your love for him is not going to be enough to change him for the better. Anything that feels this painful, that is making you fall into a depression is not”love”. Your man has many issues on top of narcissism, his need for power and control. It sounds as if he may have a drink problem, and he sure as hell has anger problems, not to mention being a misogynist.
It does not sound as if you have any children just yet, so this is probably the best time for you to rethink your life. Already you sound quite isolated, I can see that getting even worse with time. You are a victim of abuse, and it looks like he does not have any respect for women, not even his mother. You seriously need to ask yourself if this is a man you want as a father to you children in the future, because he won’t be any better with them either. Is it time for you to go home and visit your family for a few weeks? If you could get a break out of the environment, create a little distance between yourself and the situation, you could then get a chance to consider your options. You always have choices, and staying is also a choice, remember that. Wishing you the best of luck in you decision making. Perhaps you could look into getting some counselling to help you sort out this mess and make a choice about your future. Warmest regards.
Hi,
I am a legal immigrant and have a huge problem and I feel like I have no way out. I have met an amazing person 2 years ago, I mean he was amazing to me at the beginning, but he was on self-destructive path, after his previous relationships, he was drinking and partying like mad, and I have doing it with him, just to have a chance to spend time together. We have been on and off for 2 years, I was leaving him for couple of times, because his anger issues, but then he changed and became normal to me ( we still were arguing now and then). He has a respectful and stressful job and a habit of spending every evening after work in the local pub where he sometimes drinks excessively (at least 3-4 days a week), which he says, helps him unwind. We have got married recently, had an amazing wedding organised by his parents, loads of money spent and etc. But he turned into that self-destructive path of alcohol dependency again and started to emotionally abuse me almost every day, when he comes back home drunk. I am currently unemployed, he does not want me to work, he says that all I have to do is to be a wife, but when he is drunk, he says I am useless and there are thousands of reasons he shouldn’t of married me. I am depressed now, severely. He always complains that I am an ungrateful, spoiled little brat, if I feel that way, because he gives me everything. The next day he says either that he doesn’t remember saying it or twists it around in a way that I don’t trust myself anymore. Am I being gaslighted?
When he is sober, he is the best husband you can wish for. But why do I still feel like a furniture most of the days, waiting until he comes home and being emotionally abused over and over again? He brings up old arguments all the time, and sometimes he can come back home at 2am and wake me up to have an argument with me, or as he says ‘vent’. He shouts, there’s no way I can put a word in. Whenever I say about how I feel, he tells me to stop acting like a victim. I am here on my own, I have no friends I can speak to about it, because all my ‘friends’ are his friends, so I am unable to trust.
He’s family loves me dearly, and his mother knows about his anger issues, but says that he’s got a big heart and loves me, and most of the times he doesn’t mean what he says. Sometimes he speaks with his mother the same way even when he is sober, he lights up so easily, serious temper issues, he does it even with his friends.
Our recent argument was about me saying that I miss my family and he started shouting like I meant that he doesn’t let me see my family, I have tried to explain, but he only listened to the sound of his shouting. I cannot tell him how I feel, I walking on the egg shells to please him all the time. He is 10 years older than me and always says that he knows better,because he’s got more experience.
He gets very angry when I ask him not to drink so much, because it is not good for him. He says that he works hard and I will never understand it because I don’t.
Yesterday he said to me that he might have a tumour and he drinks to help himself cope with tinnitus. I have told him to go for a scan and stop drinking so much, he got pissed of again. He told me that I am not allowed to be upset over stupid things, because he got bigger issues right now.
I am completely lost
Hi April, Glad to hear that by and large you are “upbeat” after your experience……….. I am delighted for you that you are now forming your own identity, and following your heart….. which could be your soul’s mission. I love this kind of post, it sends out the message to other survivors that there really can be life after narcissistic abuse. Best of luck with your studies, enjoy every moment.
Gaslighting!! Thats me to. I was in such a horrible relationship, I was unable to escape, but eventually when he had done and damage and rendered me ‘useless’ he left me for someone else, after many affairs unknown to me at the time. I feel after 6 years I’ve had a lucky escape although I have had a lot of therapy to try and overcome my issues. He still tries to manipulate by gaslighting (I dont think he even knows hes doing it……..it seems perfectly natural for him!!), but I’m wiser now, and don’t repsond. But I do worry about how he manipulates my son to, so life still isn’t easy and I worry a lot. What ever I do, its ‘wrong’, in his eyes, still. Anyway I’ve learnt the hard way and now I’m training to be a nurse (which I always knew I should be doing).
Hi Sarah, You don’t have to describe the gaslighting for me to understand what it does to a soul. I am glad to hear that you have a backbone, that is good for you, not just with your mother, but in life generally. And yes, of course it is possible to have a relationship with your mother now that you understand her behaviour better, actually, hopefully that will help you manage better. It is not odd or juvenile for a child to want her mother in her life, regardless of what age the person is. It is the most natural thing in the world to be around your parents and family, regardless of how they behave. Keep working on educating yourself on narcissism, that way you will see that you are not alone in this form of abuse, which can be satisfying. Also keep working your boundaries, and watch your reactions when around your mother. Reactions are reward for a narcissist, they love it when they get you upset. Accept that you are dealing with someone with arrested development, and act like children when they don’t get their way. Do what you would do with a child who is having a tantrum…… stay calm, walk away, don’t react…… that only gives fuel to the fire. When they calm down only then will you engage with them. Every time you react to her bad behaviour you actually reward her, that is why she keeps doing it to you. You bet she does not do this with everybody, she will select those who will rise to the bait. Remember when she is doing this to see her as a child, visualize her as a Disney cartoon character with a funny voice. It is amazing how unscarey this makes them feel to you. You cannot change her, so don’t even try, but you can change how you react to her…… when you get the control over your own actions, believe me, she will feel it. And don’t feel bad about wanting her in your life. It is not her that you don’t like, it is her behaviour. Separate the two if you can.
This article breaks my heart.
My mother and I always had a very difficult relationship. She turned me against my father (they are still married), she convinced me I was worthless. The worst part is, I truly believed that I was insane until I met my husband. He convinced me that my terrible relationship with her wasn’t my fault. I have since opened up to a friend who told me that what my mother did was called gaslighting and began to research it.
I can’t even describe it enough to make anyone understand. Everything she did sounds like it isn’t a big deal, but it was constant and I found it brutal. The worst part is, my mother even admitted to me that she has done this with others and I still never suspected she was doing it to me.
My question for you is this: In recent years, I have gotten a backbone and learned that she was manipulating me. Since, she does it less frequently, and I tend to call her on it. It usually makes her furious and she avoids me for several weeks afterwards.
Is it possible to have any relationship with her now that I am aware of this? I am careful to not engage with her when she’s attempting to manipulate me. It is exhausting to interact with her, but I feel as if I should attempt to remain civil. I no longer live near her, so it keeps our interactions to a minimum. I know that it’s odd and juvenile, but I can’t help but want to have a relationship with my mother, and that is precisely the reason that I worry about it, too.
Gas lighting is a new term for me and quite appropriate to explain the narcissistic controlling behavior of one of my sisters. She never seems to show up in your life until you are extremely vulnerable and need help up. This is as perfect an explanation of her behavior as I have ever seen. Apparently I did something to her in childhood that she has never forgiven me for and now she wants me to pay and pay and pay. She verbally abused my brother so much he actually became suicidal and has never taken responsibility for or apologized for her actions. 1 day she burst through my front door telling me all these falsehoods about the 21 years I spent in another state telling me I was making it up as I went along and because of distortions about a story I shared with another sister about a dept I worked closely with in a previous job called one day and asked me “do you know why we all love you” she said laughingly ” do they all love you, do they really”. Completely out of context because I never said everybody in the world loves me, I’m not that delusional , I felt like I had slipped into a parallel universe and began to question the reality of my past which she was no part of and my own memories and reality. Thank God for friends who actually ther with me during these times and validated everything or I would have been lost. She is a Jekyll Hyde and only says these false hurtful things in isolation or in company she still is disparaging. She is continually trying to convince me tv hat I am mentally ill and or have a personality disorder. I have agreed to a psych eval because I’m sick of it not so she can prove she’s right but so I can move on and start living again and I plan to tell the shrinks what has happened to me and I don’t lie. I hate deceit and manipulation. Thank you for listening
I could not have stumbled upon this on a more perfect day!!! Two and a half years now I’ve been in this situation/relationship. The first stage was dead on. The promises, the love, the emotions, the need. It was perfection, but that faded. Then the constant apologizing and second guessing. However, There is also a threat of suicide from my “partner”, which complicates things so much more. It is not easy to walk away from someone you love who is physically self abusive. But at the same time it’s tormenting to be exposed to. I always considered myself I have been aware of the narcissistic tendencies from him, but was not aware of the whole gaslighting term. Very eye opening and sad at the same time. Hopefully next comes the strength to walk away.
Hi Angie,
Congratulation on finding a name for what happened to you, many people never do get to work it out and are left trapped in their own negative thoughts about the relationship. It seems you did get out that soul destroying situation, again, that is a courageous move (whether he left you or you left him).
It is also not one bit uncommon to find yourself in the same situation once again. If it is of any comfort to you, let me tell you I had four such relationship before I finally asked the best question of my life, “What am I doing that is helping to create this situation for me?”. This question sent me on a quest. Did you ever see the film/book, The Never Ending Story, well it was if I woke up from a terrible dream, a dream in which I was to become the protagonist hero. Like Bastian in the story, I realized that I had to get my head out of the clouds and keep my feet on the ground. Like Bastian, I began to realize that the actual story of woe was also about me, and not just my abusers. That was a painful realization, but it changed things so much. It meant that I could change things……. because as true as Hell, you cannot change a narcissist. I found a therapist, told her that I wanted to find out about me, what is it about me that attracts this kind of personality to me. For me it stated young, growing up with a psychopathic fledgling brother that I loved. In order to survive the madness, I developed unconscious defense mechanism that actually worked for me as a child. The problem was that I was unaware of these defenses, and I carried them into adulthood (pleasing behaviours, passive, over responsible, becoming an empath, etc.). Of course, this and my early conditioning made me the narcissists dream for “narcissistic supply”. Finding myself back in a similar situation I would dance the convoluted dance that all victims dance……. but they are totally unaware that they are in a dance.
Perhaps something similar is happening for you. But you are at least questioning what is happening in your new second relationship, so you were well ahead of me when I first went on my journey. So clap yourself on the back. I suggest that you continue to do what you are doing, that is , educate yourself as much as you can by reading on the subject of narcissistic abuse (The Dark Triad: The Narcissist, Malignant Narcissist and Psychopath). You need to be able to understand the narcissists behaviours, how they seduce and manipulate from the word go. When they have you hooked, how they begin the change, and they start to devalue you in small ways at first, getting worse as time marches on….. in effect what you are seeing is the real person as they take off their mask. In time you will begin to spot them and see through their web of deception and illusion pretty soon after meeting them, before becoming hooked In effect you are not taken in by the illusion everybody else if falling for. Like the story of the Emperior’s New Clothes, the child sees the King’s nakedness and yells, “But he isn’t wearing anything at all!”…….. and breaks the illusion the swindler had over the King and everybody else. If you can afford it, go on the ever ending journey of Self-discovery……… it is a great (yet sometimes painful) adventure, if you can afford a therapist, that is all the better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLNhIbroC4s
This is now my mission, to be that child who broke the illusion of the Kings New Clothes. The aim is to wake everybody up from the illusion where everybody sees the narcissist is good, therefore the victim as bad. My book, which comes out in April explains the difference between the different levels of narcissism, from healthy to the most pathological, because they are not all the same. You can download a chapter free if you follow the link below.
https://narcissisticbehavior.net/book/
Best of luck, and stop blaming yourself. You were swindled just like the King…….. shame on the swindler. Warmest regards. Christine
I just started reading today about narcissism, gaslighting and triangulation. I was in a relationship like this for seven years and two kids. I was unhappy isolated depressed. he had everyone around us believing that I was a bad person and he was a hardworking dad. even my own family. it is hard for me to see how someone could have absolutely no regard for someone else’s feelings. I knew he was manipulating a liar thought he deserved better than everyone. I can’t believe I let that happen. I feel like a fool. at the same time to see it all written down like that makes me know I wasn’t crazy. but my problem is I think I’m in the same kind of relationship again. I’m scared. what do I do. that relationship took all I had. this guy seemed like the best thing ever. but now I can’t do anything right. I need serious help
What an incredible site! Yup, yup & yup! I was married to a sociopath for 25 yrs. We had 2 children. Although we have been divorced for 22 yrs. it took me an amazing amount of time to literally be “de-programmed” from him. Our two children are still in denial about their dad (they are now 40 & 42), and think he is the normal one and I am crazy. I am so confused as to how they can believe this, as they have seen their dad’s Narcissistic behavior…and I DO mean frightening. He is not a criminal sociopath, but charismatic, deceitful, lying, charming, con. He meets all of the criteria for full blown Psychopath. Just this week I finally “came out” regarding my life story, w/friends and family. My children are livid. I didn’t tell my story for a long time to protect them, but reached a point where I could no longer deal with “the elephant in the living room”. I also suffer from C-PTSD. It is my personal belief that we who have endured such horrific trauma suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding (Patrick Carnes), and I feel co-dependency is something different than this genre. Perhaps you have some suggestions as to why my kids are so hateful toward me and so pontificating of their dad.
Thank you so much for this wonderful article! I have been involved with a narcissist and gaslighter for 13 yrs! I did not understand what was going on, but now I do! We have been separated for 3 yrs and he just won’t stop his abuse towards me! He is a very sick man and it has made me sick, as well! I am reading and trusting God and getting better and stronger each day! Just wanted to know if there is a seminar or private counselor that I could try to connect with to learn more about my recovery! This is a unique problem and not everyone understands!
Yes Charlotte, I am desperate when it comes to grammar and spelling, forgive me please. Can you imagine the nightmare I had writing my book….. it took me one month to write it, and six months to correct it (lol). Never mind, you managed to get the gist of what I am saying.
After I got past the grammatical errors in this article, which I comment on only because I hope others who are troubled by them will also dismiss them, I realized that this is probably the best information available to anyone who has had the misfortune to undergo this sort of torture. I hope that it will reach all of you before you too lose yourselves to PTSD. There are very few aspects of my life which have not been irrevocably offered, and in my case, the abuser was merely a friend. They are diabolical. Victims who are loving and warm and generous simply cannot wrap their minds around the fact that these abusers do not and cannot love anyone but themselves. They will not feel remorse when they see how much they are hurting you. Even knowing all of this, I still can’t fully break the bond…and I still have to talk myself into believing that it really happens…I am still so turned around and desperately afraid and desperately sad. The best you can do is run. Get away from them as fast as you can. Move.
I found effects similar to those described by some here as narcissistic abuse described as “emotional neglect” at . Doing nothing supportive seems like it can be an excuse for narcissistic abuse as in “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
I am seeing such a plethora of symptoms here by those who post that I cannot understand at all where the limits of gaslighting give way to something even worse. The story by “marionette” seems one of forced slavery and sexual abuse. My inclination was to tell her to somehow –anyway anyhow—to get money to get a plane ticket out of that hell. While I may have suffered from gaslighting, that experience pales compared to what she described—no comparisons in events or magnitudes.
Can anyone help with some ideas on how to start healing after this sort of thing.I have been going through divorce for three years,he is fighting tooth and nail.It is becoming obvious that my marriage was nothing but years of him plotting things to bring up in court to sway his property division.I feel like I’m never going to get through this nor will I ever be able to trust anyone again. Debra
“Even if they do manage to escape from that narcissistic individual, they are at high risk of future re-victimization and entrapment with other narcissists, because they are primed in a way that other narcissists can spot.”
Would you please elaborate a bit on this? What are the signs in me that these men see? How do they so flawlessly spot me every time I dip my toe back into the dating pool?
I am six years out of the relationship with my abuser. We have a daughter together, and he is still using the Family Courts as a weapon of abuse, keeping me constantly strapped financially and emotionally under threat of losing my child.
After six years I am only just beginning to think I might like a little companionship again, but definitely not until I feel certain I can avoid this horrific trap!
Wow…..I am left entirely shocked..
I’ve gotten out of a abusive marriage a year ago now, most of that being left in depression, unable to accept or understand what has happened.
Before reading this, I did pull myself up again, made many changes. Work wise, emotionally, mentally, physically..Lost a lot of the weight I gained from stress. I have accepted what has happened but still never truly understood.
I came to night shift tonight at an aged care and instantly connected with another woman who was on for tonight. We somehow started talking about men and divorce. Turns out she’s gone through the exact same, if not..worse. We couldn’t stop talking! How could 2 different men be so alike?!
She gave me 3 terms to search up on.
Gaslighting, Narcissist and sociopath. And then I came across this….It all makes sense now, thank you so much.
It’s just very disturbing and made me tear up abit knowing I was married to a complete psycho!
oh wow!!! this article as just pointed out to me by someone in my support group. it describes exactly what i have gone through the past few years. I realized awhile bak the person I was staying with was a narcissist I finally got brave enough to break away, & I am trying very hard to rebuild my life. he still contacts me every once in a while and tries to bully me. I keep fighting it. I am much stronger now. Thank U so much!!!!!!!
I have been married for ten years. When I got married I had a good job, a property and friends. I was healthy, pretty and confident.
During my marriage I sold my property and we moved to my husband’s country to be near his family as my parents had passed away and I was not close to my sibling.
As soon as I had arrived, his parents confronted me on my own and said that my husband was entitled to money from the sale of my property as he had been married to me for 2 years and had contributed to household bills. I found this strange as anything that is mine I gave to my husband.
I bought a house and put it in both our names.
My husband had hidden debts(his mother tried to hide these from me) and no savings.I found out about the debt and we organised that he slowly pay this off from his I I had a good job, however once I had bought the house I was forced out of my job (constructive dismissal), we had been in the country for about 8 months. Thereafter I was unable to get a decent job, I ended up doing menial jobs like dishwashing, cleaning, manual labour. Going from a professional job to this was hard and the pay had halved. My husband said that it did not matter, he would look after me. He kept saying ‘dont worry, dont work, just stay at home’ and he told his family that I was ‘unemployable’.
Then we rented out some rooms in our house to make extra money to pay bills. When one person moved out, my husband said that he had found someone nice to move in. it was a doctor. He moved in. Then I started to feel drugged. I felt drugged all the time and kept falling asleep in the middle of the day. My husband meanwhile kept saying that I was not cleaning the house properly etc.
Then his family said that I should not drive (I had bought a car and the dealer had put it in my husband’s name). I am a good driver and have driven since I was young. They and my husband started to say that I should not drive.
Then I started to wake up late after my husband had gone to work. I found semen on my legs and bedclothes and could not understand this. Sometimes sheets were torn and sometimes my clothes were torn. I started to find bruises on me and feel acheing in lower abdomen and legs. Then I started to get flashbacks of being raped by all these men. Once my husband came home as he had forgotten his keys for work.There were all these men and they disappeared suddenly then my husband arrived and I was semi conscious and kept holding him so he would not go, I could not speak as words would not come out. He left and the men came back and were raping me. This happened many times. But the problem was I was being drugged and could not remember it straight away. I do not know how I was being drugged as now it was only my husband and I living there, we had decided not to have lodgers any more. Possibly these people had gained keys from previous tenants and had gained access to the house that way when my husband was at work and I was asleep.
When I started to remember all these things my husband did not believe me and said that I was imagining things. Then when I asked his parents for help they said I should leave my husband and go back to my own country. How could I do this? I had ploughed all my life savings into a house and had no job and was an emotional wreck. Then I started to get threats from people in the community. Then my cat was poisoned and I found dead animals strewn about the garden around our house. I left and went back to my country and stayed with family. No one believed me and they said I was suffering from delusions. They tried to get me mentally diagnosed. My husband came over and said that I was not mental and must stay away from these people.
In the last few years I have been unable to get decent work. I have been harassed, stalked and threatened. I dont know who is doing this. Whether my husband is involved or whether he knows about it and is unable to do anything to stop it or whether he does not know. He keeps saying that he is in the same boat etc but he has a good job. I have lost my looks, am anxious, working in a menial job dish washing, have no money or savings. We sold our house and paid all his debts off. He has money and savings. Last week there was an accident on the road and I was nearly involved in it but managed to brake in time. The other witnesses were these men who have been following me around. I am now scared that they are trying to make me have an accident. When I drive with my husband he suddenly shouts ‘stop’! or ‘go’! at the wrong moment and on two occasions I have nearly done what he has said and could have had an accident. I have decided not to drive with my husband in the car. I am so confused that I dont know what to do.
Wow my life on a blog thank you. This is so empowering. I realize now even more why I find myself in a small town away from everyone especially the abuser. It was to free me, heal and educate myself so I no longer allow narc abuse unconsciously and consciously. Thanks again for the blog.
Hi Embee, I am so pleased that you have found out what was happening in your relationship that hurt you so badly. I suggest that you keep reading and researching about Narcissistic Abuse…… there are also Forums that you may find useful for sharing information. Not many therapists are trained in narcissistic abuse, but you could try ringing The Association for Psychotherapists in your country/area, and ask if they could recommend a therapist who works in this area. If they cannot do that, perhaps they would recommend a therapist who is training in Trauma Work or a Somatic Psychotherapist. When I was doing my recovery work my therapist was both a Trauma and Somatic Psychotherapist, and this worked really well for me.
You can bring the information you now have into the therapy room, something you could not do with your last therapist (because you did not have it then). You could also get back on to your therapist and tell them that you are identifying that you were in a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality…… and see if you would like to continue to work with the therapist again. Any good therapist would research any new information coming into the room.
Best of luck in your recovery. Christine
I have spent the past three years struggling with the after effects of a relationship. Nobody I know understood and even the counsellor I went to thought I was being weird when I tried to talk about this kind of behaviour. Now I have found this article and it describes my experiences down to the finest detail – thank you so much – I am crying with relief as it confirms that I am not delusional in how I experienced it. Could anyone please suggest where one goes from here – I believe there is healing and hope one day to be able to form a healthy relationship with somebody who does not intend me harm – but what are the next stages?
Thanks and good wishes to you all.
Embee
What a fantastic article.
I pray for all victims of such terrible emotional abuse. Unfortunately, there is no way of “winning” against these complicated aggressors, other than leaving a relationship, and rebuilding.
I was married at 23 years old to my first girlfriend. The marriage lasted 2 years. The relationship was a 7 year ordeal of disgusting covert manipulation. The divorce was very messy, and involved 3 years of court proceedings despite the fact she had another partner before she left the marriage, and married him as soon as the divorce papers were through.
Now, I am aged 37, and just dated another sociopath for 1 year which triggered my past with my ex wife. Th breakup was terrible, full of guilt and blame and manipulation. But, I had an amazing spiritual awakening the week before I broke up with this girl. One must look deep into ones soul to find our internal positive energy source, our fountain of light for all to see. I saw all her behaviors at this moment, I read extensively on sociopathy and narcissism and covert manipulation.
There is hope after dealings with these very sick minded individuals. And our victory is over self, actualizing into becoming a creature of love and happiness for all to see. Happiness conquers all darkness and evil.
And heed the warning signs of sociopaths. Take things slow, believe in yourself, read up on relationship boundaries, read up on covert manipulation, don’t be caught out ever again!
Lots of love
D
Thank you for this article. I am in the process of being “discarded” from a 19 year marriage and it hurts emotionally so much more than the times he has punched me. He has redefined me as basically the person he is which is the real salt in the wound. This behavior really kicked in eight years ago when I caught him cheating. Ever since then I have been a whore and liar. He has rewritten history to make him the abused victim. I found the delusional disorder jealous subtype in psychological manual and he meets the criteria but this article makes me wonder if it is an act that he believes I am all the things he claims. I continue (as pathetic as that may be) to try to do everything I can to elicit some kind of “love” from him even as he degrades me. He hasn’t told me he loves me in at least two years and gives me the silent treatment unless he needs help with something. Thanks for understanding and not judging. It is comforting to read about this and realize that this is not all in my head. It is against my nature to believe that someone would willfully do this to another person but I need to come to terms with it.
I believe my husband is a covert narcissist. We have been married for 19 years and I have felt depressed and confused for most of those years. He puts on a mask of perfection for the world to see. Only as his wife am I able to know the real man behind the mask. He uses subtle passive-aggressive criticism and belittling on a very regular basis – but most of the time I let it go, because I know if I call him on it, I will be blamed (he will tell me I am too sensitive or that I criticize everything he says.) He has extremes in behaviors – extreme anger, extreme highs and lows, extreme over-reactions to trivial things. He gets angry over very small things and then will belly laugh over things that aren’t even funny to most people. His behaviors are bizarre to say the least. He rages and will pull a full-out character assasination of everything about me when he gets angry over one small thing. One small issue will become a huge argument based on everything he dislikes about me and everything I do wrong. He blames me for our problems. I stopped loving him a very long time ago and he knows it. I don’t even hide the fact that I don’t love him anymore and we are talking about divorcing this year, but I am afraid of the after-math and the revenge because we have two children. I believe he do all he can to destroy me if I am no longer married to him.
Thank you for putting into words what has tormented me for years.
I knew I had PTSD but didn’t exactly know how or when it happened.
is it possible to have an only child with this behavior that accuses me of having it. I have a family that has put her on a pedestal that I believe has fed her ego. She despises my weaknesses. We have not had a relationship for over 11 years and when we did finally go to a therapist he was obviously not engaged with working on. I have been in misery for years. I see now that I have been targeted by at least 4 men and 2 sisters and most likely 2 friends. I spend the holidays alone. I have so much to.learn
I feel like I have been given the best Christmas present ever.
This information is going to change my life.
Please help me find a therapist in the Oklahoma city Oklahoma area.
Feeling determined to be free.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing. I feel the first weight lifted off of me as I have lived in fear and condemnation for over 28 years. I now am full of hope and more clarity than I could have imagined before reading these stories of survivors. I will be joining the groups on FB.
I just can’t thank you enough. XO
Excellent article. Thank you.
Hi Susan (reply to Post on 16/12/2014)
Corporate narcissistic abuse is rampant. I have had to deal with the trauma caused to co-workers by such colleagues on several occasions, and believe me, it can get very ugly. Very often the victim is left with no option but to leave the job (sometimes due to fear, or the trauma they experience) . Even when the narcissist is exposed, it is not unusual for the company to protect the them….. often the management values this type of person (the type that will be seen to get good results for the company, even when it means walking on peoples necks), or more often, the Board Management is afraid that they will be taken through the employment courts if they disgruntle the narcissist (and they are not beyond doing that), so they pay off the victims with severance payments instead (as in your case). For many victims it does not end there, because the effects on them often leave them with little or no confidence for continuing in employment….. many never enter the work-force again.
Thanks, Christine. I had never heard of this before. Your article and response have helped a lot in understanding what was really happening and with the ruminating about what I could have done better/differently. I heard that this man had the same pattern with other female employees over several years but was considered such a nice guy by his superiors that it was glossed over, and all of us were given generous severance payments to keep quiet and go away. He has changed jobs and is now a senior executive at a large public company — probably lots of new potential victims. Sad.
Hi Susan, Most victims of narcissistic abuse understand exactly what you are saying. It is as if the narcissist gets into your blood (like a virus), and even after there is “no contact” one can still feel the ill effects through the obsessing. This is due to the effects of the trauma experienced and not yet quite death with. I don’t think we will ever get rid of narcissists, not from the home, the workplace, or friendships. The best I hope for is that more people learn how to identify these personality types before they get hooked by them………… because spotting them before they spot you is the only way to stay safe. Not everybody is taken in by these personality types, so we need to also find out what it is about ourselves that could possible make us a target. They are attracted to empaths, people who are gentle, kind, compassionate, and who are going to put up with their nonsense far too long, and make them feel good about themselves. We don’t have to change ourselves completely, but be aware when someone is seducing us with the intention for manipulating us.
Amazing. I worked for one of these people. In my 30 year career, I had never met someone like this. Within 18 months, I went from being confident, energetic, successful, and passionate about my work to wondering about my own sanity, let alone any professional competency. That was 10 years ago. Even now, not a week goes by when I don’t think about being told constantly that I was an incompetent failure. And when I protested that it just wasn’t true, being told that I was making it all up and had a mental problem. I really don’t know if I will ever fully recover. How do we get rid of these people in the workplace? They can be very charming, charismatic, and manipulative.
Hi Darren,
WOW! what a story. Doctors are meant to be healers, we don’t expect to be abused by them, and it takes a lot to realize what is going on, but now you know. Unfortunately certain professions attract narcissists (i.e. power, status, money, no witness to what goes in the room, etc.). When you told him what your neighbour said, he took this as criticism and a rejection of him. Before you abandoned him, he was going to abandon you….. which he did by kicking you out of his office and punishing you with lies…… in his attempt to annihilate you. I am sorry you had to go through this experience. Nowhere is safe from these people, unfortunately they are all around us.
Keep reading, education is what sets victims free. Understanding what happened to you will help you to get over the obsessing most victims are left with. I don’t know if you intend to take any action against him, but one thing I would expect of him, it is highly probable that he has discredit you as being the problem. They project everything they don’t like about themselves on to their victim …… interesting he said you would not get him with torture….. is that what he was doing to you?
Good to hear you are coming back to your true self again…….. the greatest revenge you can have is to get yourself back to when you first went to him. Warmest regards. Christine
After years of terror and mental illness wondering what was going on with my doctor i have finally figured out from reading this article that the doctor was Gaslighting me to the point i attempted suicide he was doing this to me so as to cover up systemic corruption in a company that i use to work for.
The thing that saved me was my neighbour by telling me that before seeing this doctor i was a good looking man and now i just look old and stressed, i told this to my doctor and he kicked me out of his office and told me you are not getting me with torture then he lied and said i fired him and we are supposed to look up to these doctors for a place of safety.
Thank you so much a huge weight has been lifted from my life now that i have some insight in to what went on at his office.
I will keep reading this when i meet new people so as to guard my heart.
Thanks again.
Renee, I am so impressed to hear that your daughter learned about “gaslighting behaviour” in school. You are so right, it is used extensively in Parent Alienation with great results for the offender, and also for manipulating the children into being abusive to the victim parent by proxy (the narcissists flying monkeys). It is not only destructive to the vulnerable parent, but it is abuse of the children also.
My daughter told me about gaslighting, she learned about it in school. This is exactly what I dealt with regarding my son’s father. WOW. I knew he was a narcissist, I figured that out. But this whole form of gaslighting really is true to the point. Parents do this to kids as a part of Parent Alienation tactics. I see that happening to a child who is my friends daughter. The mother is doing this to her and she is too young to understand. What a screwed up mess people can be.
Hi Ed, I am so sorry that you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, as you say, it is devastating even when it is short term. Humans are incredible survivors, and we have our unconscious defense mechanisms that spring into action to protect us, and thank God for them because without them many victims would not survive.
In my book I try to shine the light on many of the behaviours that are seen in The Dark Triad (The Three Faces of Evil). I name the behaviours not only in the narcissist, but also in the malignant narcissist and the psychopath……each one is more progressive than the last. However, it is important to know that not every narcissist will display ALL of the behaviours, but they don’t have to in order to be highly destructive to others.
You say your lady was not destructful to her children, for their sake I hope you are right, and of course this is possible. However, it is more typical for children of narcissistic mothers to become sensitive, guilt ridden, and co-dependent…….. they try very hard to take care of that parents needs, because when the mother is happy their life becomes a little easier. Usually the narcissistic parent use their children to promote their own image, so the child is expected to do well (to look better, to come across as well behaved, to be clever and talented, etc.). Their success is actually the narcissists success….. they can then say to the world what a wonderful parent they are. Sadly, in order to feel loved the children do what they can to please the parent……. because this is a good way for them to remain safe from their parents rejecting behaviour. These children come across as well behaved, attentive to the parent, and very loving. The children learn early to meet the narcissistic mother’s needs for gratification, and they try to get love by accommodating the mother’s needs, whims and wishes. Because, generally speaking, the young child’s normal feelings are ignored by the narcissistic parent, they learn to repress their own needs and emotions in a bit to gain their mother’s love. Perhaps you could look to see what happens when one of her children displeased her, how did she act then. The answer may well be that her children never seemed to displease her.
The children of narcissistic mothers are often very responsible, they learned to be, because the narcissist is really “a child” trapped in an adult body.
If you want to read more on the relationship between the narcissistic mother and child, here is a link to quite a good site.
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
Regarding your question, “If the victim goes to marriage counseling, is it common for the gaslighter to refuse to go?”
Many will never go into the therapy room when invited by their partners. However, I have had many narcissists come into the therapy room, but from the beginning they are both seductive and manipulative. Generally, their goal is to let me know what is wrong with their partner, they are not interested in sharing the responsibility that there is something wrong with their behaviour. Many therapists fall for the seduction, and worse, they will actually begin to believe that the problem does lie with the victim. This is why therapists need to learn about narcissistic abuse as part of their training…….. alas that is not happening yet. But I am working on changing that here in Ireland. Warmest regards. Christihne
Wow. Have been recently married at age 70 and living together for only about nine months, and when I read of the experiences of those who have dealt with this for many years, I can only think “How did they do this and live to write about it?” Nearly all of the traits presented in this article as victims’ experiences are those that I have experienced. This is absolutely devastating. However, when I read the excerpt from “Three Faces…” the description of narcissist does not fit so well in the victimization of her own kids.
Question here: If the victim goes to marriage counseling, is it common for the gaslighter to refuse to go? My suspicion is that this is likely to be the case; this certainly is my experience here.
Hi Mitch, It is quite a shock for most people to discover that they have been manipulated by the very person that they thought loved them. I am so sorry that you have only found out now when you are so vulnerable after giving birth you your baby only a short time ago. Unfortunately, what you describe is typical behaviours seen in narcissistic abuse. You are going to need a lot of support if you are planning to leave. Is there any possibility of reconnecting with your family of origin, and your friends.
You also need to find out what other help is available where you live, for example, a National Domestic Violence Helpline, or Woman’s Aid. You can also check your local phone book or community services directory for the refuge and counselling services closest to you.
Is there a relative, friend or neighbour you trust? If so, think about telling them what is going on as you may need to go to them in an emergency. This man sounds dangerous from what you tell me, so you may need to consider making a safety plan:- Here are guidlines as laid down by The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence.
• Prepare a bag for you, and any children you may have, with an extra set of house and car keys, money, a list of phone numbers you may need and a set of clothes each. Leave this bag with someone you trust.
• Keep your mobile phone with you at all times. Find somewhere you can quickly and easily use a phone if you don’t have access to a mobile. This could be a public payphone, or one at a neighbour’s, friend’s or relative’s house.
• Write out a list of numbers you might need in an emergency. Include friends, relatives, local police, GP, Women’s Aid, your nearest refuge. Remember, even if you have numbers stored in your mobile you may not be able to access or use it, so copy out all numbers you might need. Keep this list with you at all times.
• Keep a small amount of money with you at all times for phone calls and/or taxi, train or bus fares etc.
• If your children are old enough to understand, explain that you might have to leave in a hurry and make sure they know what to do if that happens. You could consider arranging a meeting point should you get separated from them.
• Teach your children to dial 999 if there is an emergency. Make sure they know what they will need to say: name, address and telephone number.
• If you think your partner is about to attack you, try to stay out of the kitchen or garage where there may be knives and/or other weapons. Try to stay away from small rooms such as the bathroom where you may find it difficult to escape an attack.
If you are thinking about leaving your partner contact Womens Aid.
You may also need to talk to your GP (doctor)to let him know what is happening, and you might also report the abuse to your local police station if you are afraid that he is going to kill you, who may advise taking out a baring order against him. You may also have a need to get some legal advice somewhere along the line, especially if you want to live in the property with your child.
I am not giving you legal advice or telling you what you should do. I am just giving you ideas for getting safety measures put in place for yourself and child before you attempt to leave…… without good support it is going to be so much harder to get away from him.
Stay safe. Warmest regards. Christine
Only lay here reading this have i just realised this iswhats happening to me. Iv been with my partner for 2 years and couple of days ago found out hes a heroin addict that’s been stealing my money, lying to me and women using. He made me feel as though it was all in my head when i would question him, until couple days ago i found the proof. We have a 2 month old baby and he made me feel as though it was my hormoans. Now i know it wasn’t me, he was doing it all to me COs of all he was upto. Hes been violent, controlling, made me lose family and friend, bullied me and accused me of alsorts, he made me doubt myself and think i did this myself or brought it on myself. Now i can put a proper name to what hes done to me. Reading this has helped so much COs i can see all that’s been done to me and that its not me. Now just to figure out how to end all this without violence. He said he would kill me if i left him, and last time i tried to leave he beat me up badly while my newborn was in the room 🙁
Hi Maryke, Absolutely. Any cult like setting is rife with narcissists at the helm, not just churches, but also therapy centres and the like …….. they are always the Guru using seduction and control.
We have an organization here in Dublin that fights back against these individuals……. it is called Dialogue Ireland. There are many instances named and shamed on this site. It is run by a man called Mike Guarde
http://www.dialogueireland.org/
http://dialogueireland.wordpress.com/
https://dialogueireland.wordpress.com/category/house-of-prayer/
If you look at the right of the page you will see CATAGORIES, just click on any of those that take your fancy and you can follow what happened in each case. Hope that answers your question. Warmest regards, Christine
all of the above comments were regarding personal relationships. Have you had any feedback regarding this being exercised on a whole “Church”?
I am so confused! I realized after 16 years that I was in a relationship – well, married to – a passive aggressive man. One day, after years of trying to do all the things a good Christian wife should be doing that weren’t working, googled what one of my kids asked – “why is he so angry all the time?” — after digging through all the articles of what I was doing wrong, and how I could make him happy by being a better wife, I stumbled across a PA article. It was as if a light bulb became so bright I was blinded! The more I read, the more I discovered that he is not only PA but narcissistic as well, which many describe these as being one in the same. Then I kept reading “gas lighting”. So this morning I looked it up. Oh my gosh! It is scary how the more I read the more I understand and yet don’t understand. — I seriously have always come back around to that it’s me. I am the one who is wrong — I am the one who is disrespectful — I am the one who ignores him — I don’t understand how hard he works and I just blow all the money — I should be more considerate of his needs — It somehow is my fault that he is not interested in sex anymore. Many years ago, his step mother asked how I could be so taken with someone who was uncaring, deceitful, could shut you out at the drop of a hat, he was cold, calculating and mean hearted. I didn’t see any of that and argued with her. Lo, now she is gone and I have no one who would ever believe this — but when I read this, I cannot tell you the flood of what came flying back to me. Things she said, events that have taken place over the years, things he has said to me — all fit perfectly into this. And then, I ponder and think, what if it’s me? What if I’m the one who is causing all this grief? Maybe he is right and when he tells me it’s all in my head and that I should be more respectful, it’s me. It makes a woman crazy and yet I have asked others if what I have said offends them. I’ve had people say they were worried that they offended me and someone else will say “her?! no, she is one of the least people to worry about offending, she is so relaxed.” — it’s true, I joke, I can take a joke and am not easily offended and do not offend anyone else but him. So, I’m okay, right? . . . and then . . . it begins all over again. I think I maintain a pretty decent self-esteem and because I have read enough (which he uses against me, I am about to graduate from college and have taken several psychology, counseling and coaching classes so I am accused of thinking I am so much smarter and better than he is — do I do that?! ugh!) but none of those classes are what I am talking about when I say I’ve read a lot. I told him about googling “why is he so angry” so that I could find ways to be better and do what he needs and wants. When he does communicate, I hear “I thought you loved me and thought I was special, why don’t you do ______ anymore?” and “I should have money in my wallet to do what I want to at all times.” after telling me that our kids and I shouldn’t go to Sonic and get a drink a couple times a week. Basically, I think when it came down to that I wasn’t buying into the guilt and cowering and started doing things and going to see family whether he went or not, he began the process of accusing me of not caring, being disrespectful and not loving him like I should. Finally, we had it out one day and after 4 hours it hit me and I came right out and asked — “so, from what we have been talking about, it seems like you think my motivation in life as far as you are concerned, is to make your life miserable and that is why when I ask what you’re doing, you interpret it as being critical rather than simply inquiring as to your activity and when I suggest you teach the girls something (I suggested he spend time with each one on one doing yard work), you interpret that as me wanting to take away something you enjoy and have them do it always, and when I don’t wake you to give you a kiss when I come to bed, I’m not loving you enough but if I do wake you up when I get in bed, I’m “flopping” into bed purposely to be mean? Are all these accurate?” His reply “yes, you are disrespectful and I believe you are determined to make me miserable.” — Why? Why would I do that? 1) that takes way too much energy and 2) I simply do not have the desire to make him miserable, he is doing a fine job of it himself. Oh, how I wish my mother in law were still alive. She’d probably say “I told you so” but at least I’d have someone who could tell me I’m not crazy. That beginning part of the very first stage — my life in that paragraph 20 years ago! — I keep telling myself this is abuse and it hurts as bad as physical abuse. And then I turn right around and think I am stuck and have no way out because no one will ever believe me. — I have determined and told him that I realize I cannot make him happy, I cannot make him think differently than he does and that I am finished trying. I told him he is on his own for joy and contentment, just has I have discovered there is only One way to come by that for myself. Sorry if this all sounds just crazy. I’ll be waiting for a reply that says “he’s right, it’s all on you” — because that is how crazy I feel. I begin to see myself in these scenarios.
Janine,
I am so sad for what has happened to you. It is only 8 weeks since your husbands final blow, no wonder you find yourself obsessing over everything. This is totally normal. The obsessing is natures way of trying to make sense of the “non-sense” you have been through, and still going through.
You will drive yourself mad if you wait for a narcissist to admit everything they have done to victimize you………. it is not going to happen, unless it is another way of manipulating you into something he wants from you. You may not be ready to hear this just yet, but in time it will sink in. Wanting this validation from him is another way he gets power over you. You need to get validation from your therapist, and the knowledge you are gleaning from all the research you are doing, because I cannot see you getting it from him. Right now he is feeling real powerful, he has turned the courts against you, and he knows that getting your child is the biggest hurt he can cause you. You can expect him to gloat and bad-mouth you, this is typical behavior, they are big into “one-upmanship”. By putting you down, he manages to put himself “up”…….. the victimizer becomes the victim to other eyes.
You ask:
My question is however, will it eventfully catch up to them where they will have an ‘ a ha’ moment when the clarity comes and they recognize what they have done and the damage? Can they break the cycle of abuse and what effect will this have on my 13 year old in years to come?
Narcissisism is on a spectrum, if he is one of the common garden types of narcissist, then perhaps he may come to a place of clarity. But if you are dealing with the more pathological form of narcissism (i.e. the malignant narcissist or sub-clinical psychopath) it is very unlikely that he will ever have that “ah! ah!” moment you long for……they are dangerous predators at these levels, always seeking revenge……….. and he has the highest revenge any mother can experience. The sad thing is that rather than wanting your daughter because he loves her, he may in fact be using her to get back at you. If that is the case he is likely to use Parential Alienation tactics in order to alienate you from your child…………. you need to make yourself familiar with PAS, so Google it if you have not heard of it before. These tactics can be very clever, and a child is easy to manipulate.
Right now you will be grieving the loss of your child, probably going through disbelief, despair, anger, depression, confussion, and a feeling of great injustice that is normal. But in the meantime, continue to educate yourself, that way you will begin to recognize the patterns your husband uses to turn your daughter against you. Once you understand why he does what he does, you will be in a much better position to deal with the situation.
Unfortunately he has the advantage of the law backing him. However, it is good that your daughter is 13, the older the better really. You will need a plan of action if he is using PA against you. He or his new woman can not offer your daughter what you can offer her, you are her mother. Keeping the lines of communication with your daughter will be important until she reaches an age of independence, when she can choose better for herself what she needs. Children do not want to lose either their mother or father, they want and need both……. so nurture that, and be careful that you do not try to alienate her from him. That will play into what he would like to be able to say to social workers or lawyers.
GET A PLAN:
For example: Know your visiting rights (when you have your daughter for visits, when you can phone her etc.) Make these times comfortable for your daughter……. so she gets quality time with you. Keep yourself very much in touch with her life, her school activities, sports, etc. Don’t wait to be informed of her events from your husband, and don’t show your annoyance if this happens, make sure to communicate directly with your child about what is going on for her…….. and find ways to attend as many of these events as you can (just be certain that this is not be breaking a contact order, normally it is not, as long as you are going for the event and not looking for more contact hours). In between visits keep the bond between you and your child with little text messages (i.e an evening text to say good night, send her little notes, or arrange to have a weekly comic/magazine sent to her), these are all reminders of your presence in her life.
Prepare for there to be arguments, hostile silences, restricted communication (even no communication), and hostile action with your husband……… it goes with the territory where parents are sharing rights over the child. Put in place healthy boundaries with your husband so that there is clarity over what you are doing with your child (even when you don’t get that in return from him. Learn to be flexible, because he may be likely to offer your daughter an alternative event on your days with her…..an event to seduce your child to be with him instead of you……. you want you child to show understanding for her needs also.
If you think that I am trying to tell you to “lie down and let him walk all over you”, that is not the case. I am saying, get smart, make sure to do things the right way………. because if you don’t, he will use that against you like a weapon. Get yourself a LOG BOOK, and catalogue everything that happens (dates, times, who was there, what happened, how you felt, etc.). You never know when you are going to need this information, it will be most useful if you are talking to lawyers or courts in the future. Warmest regards. Christine
This article is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me albeit a little late – 8 weeks ago my ex husband finally won and has taken my daughter after he ‘poked the bear’ one too many times and I retaliated. Between the actions of his new girlfriend and himself they have “saved my daughter from an awful mother who is clearly crazy”
This article was the lightbulb I desperately needed. I sit home every day and cry reliving what got me here and how I lost my daughter. Even in situations where it is factually proven that he has purposely screwed me over – he will still never admit to it and always turns it around by telling my daughter that I would prefer to be miserable and bitter than give her or myself a happy life. In fact the day after the final incident I did go in to see my therapist and had to really asked her if I was crazy, should I be committed, is my reality not actually happening, am I making it all up, inflating these situations to be worse than they really are – I was and still am ready to believe anything at this point.
I don’t know why but I am in a desperate cycle where I continue to re-live these situations over and over again looking for a different outcome. In all reality in order for me to move on I need him to admit what he has been doing, show some remorse and say the words – “yes I purposely screwed you over and put you in a no win situation again and again”. Until that happens I am not sure I will ever be able to move on although I conscientiously know it is unlikely that he will ever admit anything. I am having a really hard time getting past this and him validating what he has done would go a long way to my recovery………at this point all I want for Christmas is “Karma” but I know that I am unlikely to get it.
My question is however, will it eventfully catch up to them where they will have an ‘ a ha’ moment when the clarity comes and they recognize what they have done and the damage? Can they break the cycle of abuse and what effect will this have on my 13 year old in years to come?
Dear R.A. I am glad you are researching what was happening to you in your home with your Mom, the effects it has on you over the years, and the fact there is a name for what is happening. If you are feeling that way as an adult, it is not hard to imagine how confusing and devastating it would have been for you as a child in that environment. Your beautiful inner “child” is calling out to be loved and accepted in a normal fashion (measured amounts) that feels safe, there is nothing unusual about that, that should be every child’s right. However, I sense that the adult part of you knows that this is unlikely to ever happen.
Our beautiful child always lives on within us, and the great thing is that we can actually parent that inner child ourselves. “How” you ask. By giving it the very things it needs, listen to what it is asking for…..
“please don’t take so much away from me, don’t manipulate me, don’t hate me, don’t go into rages, don’t say abusive things, don’t compare me with others, don’t turn my siblings against me, don’t make me feel more lonely than I am by having people gang up on me, don’t be jealous of me, don’t treat me like I don’t matter, don’t overvalue me”
Stand in the place of your adult self, and start by asking yourself “how can I give myself what I need?” Sometimes we do the very things to ourselves that were done to us , and of course we do this unconsciously. Let your child speak to you, but you must listen to what comes back from the wisdom you hear from your Spirit. Look at each request coming from your wise self, and see what you can change that empowers you. For example, is there a danger that you are taking too much away from yourself? Is there a part of you that still needs to see your parents, or in fact is it the opposite….. that you need “no contact” for a while at least? Is there a possibility that you may be manipulating yourself in a way that offends you? You need to be very gentle with yourself as you reflect on the child’s questions, this is not about beating yourself up, this is about soothing that part of you that was never soothed by your mother. In this way you begin to parent yourself, give yourself what you were denied by a mother who was unable to give the child what it needed. You are finding out that your mother may have a narcissistic personality disorder…….. so you need to realize that technically you have been reared by a repressed childlike woman who could not go beyond her own self………… with tragic consequences for her children. Your inner child can confirm this if you take the time to listen to that little voice. That child is a survivor, but is carrying the scars of a war-zone environment……. tend to it. If you can manage it, find a therapist to work with, one that understands trauma work…….. perhaps it is time to set this child free. Keep reading and learn as much as you can about the effects of a narcissistic mother, it is in understanding what happened to you that eventually sets you free. You may also have to grieve for all the loses. But remember, there is life after narcissistic abuse.
Warmest regards. Christine
Hi, found your blog a few days ago. Good information.
My mom is a narcissist of sorts. The victim type, if that is such a type. She brings out the worst in everybody. I hate it when I’m around her, I hate myself, I become obsessed with death and dying. Because it’s not safe. Because I don’t feel safe around her. Because she lacks compassion. When she is happy, she gives (too much) and when she is unhappy, she takes (too much). I used to stick to the first and ignore the second. But now I prefer everything in measured amounts. I don’t want too much, but also please don’t take so much away from me, don’t manipulate me, don’t hate me, don’t go into rages, don’t say abusive things, don’t compare me with others, don’t turn my siblings against me, don’t make me feel more lonely than I am by having people gang up on me, don’t be jealous of me, don’t treat me like I don’t matter, don’t overvalue me ( I used to think this was enough to put up with the rest but no longer).
I hate it, I hate everything about it. I used to think the one place I could be safe was home. But now when I go over to mom and dad, I just feel anxious. I find that I can’t be caring person around her. I either become an asshole because she keeps pushing and pushing and I go over feeling over absolutely not caring for her at all, or I go over and try to ignore it all, which is what I been doing last little while, which is worse because basically I’ve become depressed and feel powerless.
Dear tmatt, Fifteen years is a long time to be under the control of a narcissist, it saps the energy and fight out of you, leaving you life-less. Many victims turn to substances to help them cope, and for many it is the only way they have managed to survive. The fact that you have written to me through my site tells me that you are educating yourself on this subject, and that goes a long way towards your recovery down the line. I would suggest that you do not do this alone, but rather go onto some of the sites and Forums where there is more support. There are some good ones on facebook, some of them are “closed”, so you have to ask to become a member first. Here are a few to get you started,
After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Survivors
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Relationship Survivors
If you put NARCISSISTIC FORUMS into Google Search Engine, you will find them listed. Go carefully, exercise a little caution. Just read the comments until you feel that they are a safe place to be. You can imagine, sometimes victims are very distressed and very sensitive to comments, and sometimes lash out…….. so take a bit of time to suss out which ones you feel most comfortable with.
You are not alone in what you are suffering, and what you are feeling is totally normal. To have survived 15 years means that you are stronger than you think. You have reached out, and I am happy to take you by the hand and guide you towards getting the support from other victims……… just as I totally understand the way you are feeling right now, people on these sites will also totally understand what you are going through. You take care of yourself.
Can anyone please help me i do not have the strength to help myself right now. Fifteen years im 54 now and i cant see me making 55 to worn down by this. I am also a drug abuser I cant fight it anymore I dont even want to please someone give me a hand to hold. Easch minite feels like it could be my last. Thank you
I was in a marriage like this for 15 years to the point of clinical depression. Because I could not and did not feel capable of taking care of my own children I agreed to custodial custody. At the time I had no idea I was been gas lighted, I just knew something was wrong. It wasn’t until years later when I realized what had happened and found the term. Now I fear that my children have been gas lighted by this person since I was so weak and doubtful I felt they were better off with him then trying to take them myself. After all he was a physical abuser right? No he was worse, a mental abuser. More information on this type of behavior should be made available so adults can spot this behavior learn about it and make better decisions when they do finally get up enough strength to leave. Mental abuse can and is so much more insidious since it can go on for years without anyone noticing. Every charming, pleasant and so social was my ex, that I was the one who was called insane and nuts for even leaving the relationship! My own family still to this day feels I wasn’t a good enough wife. While my son, who has been the brunt of this man’s lies, decet and wrath has finally come to see it for what it is. But he’s entire perception about me even to the point of some of his memories with me as a mother are so skewd even to this day (he’s now 28 and lives with me) because his father dismissed him knowing he could no longer gaslight him at age 18. My daughter on the other hand, who was also dismissed at 16, but who know lives with her dad has been welcomed back with open arms. Yet she is not the same women I sent to college who was alive, full of adventure, and social. She is only social with those in her fathers immediate circle, and our relationship is so strained now but a series of lies and mistrust I fear she is lost forever. Her engagements with the opposite sex are now often filled with with men who are similar to her father. Men of authority who want and offer to “take care of her” in ways that are very similar to her dad. Control her finances, where she works, who she socializes with etc. She’s even picked out a wedding dress without me! This from a 22 year old who while in college admitted to me that “I was more a rock of emotional support for her then her father ever was” How can someone who once said this be so turn around? “GASLIGHTING” it is real, it happens ever day and could very well be happening to those very close to you now. This article is a god send for those who read it before the damage can be reversed and lives are ruined. I fear for my children that their entire perception of the world and their interaction with it will forever be scarred as a result of living with a narcissistic, over zealous, religious fanatic.
I had been in a marriage for 31 years the whole time knowing it was a horrible situation but so broken I was unable to get out.I am still fighting thru divorce proceedings with this hateful individual after two years.More info needs to be out there for us as well as self help groups,we need to help each other.After two years I’m still trying to figure out who I am and how to enjoy life again.People like this I feel need to be imprisoned and taught the correct way to behave because they devastate soo many.God Bless
Hi Jim,
The last thing I want to do is come between a husband and wife.
I suggest that you read up on the subject of “Gaslighting” for
yourself, then ask yourself if your intention is to manipulate and
confuse your wife. Clearly she must feel that this form of abuse was used on
her somewhere along the way, and now she is aware of it. If you are doing it,
then it is best you stop it because your wife is good at recognizing it, so it
is unlikely to work on her now. If you are not guilty of this behaviour, then
sit and talk to your wife, reassure her that you are not trying to manipulate
or control her…….. then look at how you two can develop a more honest and
healthy open communication between you.
Best of luck.
Christine
Hi Casey,
I am so sorry to hear of your suffering, especially your forced
estrangement from your children, I just cannot imagine anything
worse. He has bought your children, not out of love for them, but
for getting revenge against you for having abandoning him.
To leave after 33 years took some courage, that is the time in life
when we expect to start having life easier, and settle down to enjoy
a simpler life together now that the children are hardy. Instead you
must find yourself confused, and obsessing, bereft and frightened
for the future. Victims are left wondering how all this has happened,
how did I end up with little or nothing to show having been a wife
and mother for all those years.
There is no magic pill that make it all become just a dream, and the
reality bites hard. At least you have managed to find out that you
are dealing with someone with a personality disorder, so many victims
never find that out. You continue to educate yourself, it is this
knowledge that brings the sanity back into your life. Right now your
children are manipulated by their dad, they don’t have the wisdom to
see through the seduction. As long as they stay that way he will use
them against you. The problem is, children do grow up eventually,and
when that happens they begin to see through the scam…… if he feels
that from them, then they will be discarded in pretty much the same way
you were……… this is the nature of the beast.
Warmest regards.
Christine
Hi Jana,
I am so sorry to hear that you experienced narcissistic abuse for all those years. I can well understand the effect this
had on your body, mind and soul. With every trauma a little bit of our soul jumps out, leaving us someone we don’t even recognise
ourselves. But the good news is that the soul is not lost, it will come back in when it trusts that it is safe to do so.
You are well ahead of the posse, because most people never actually discover that they were trying to deal with someone with a personality
disorder….. let alone know the term “narcissism”. I am glad that my Gaslighting article was of some help, keep educating
yourself, visit a few forums…. other peoples stories often resonate with our own….. and shine a light on some darkness we had missed.
I think that the Gaslighting and Grandiosity are the worst aspects of NPD, they seem to feed into all the pathological behaviours of the abuser.
Warmest regards. Christine
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Hi Arran,
I am so sorry to hear your sad story. The good news is that you did enough research to discover what
you were dealing with…… many people never get to realize they were dealing with someone with a
personality disorder, so they can never set themselves free. The stories may differ, but the outcome
is usually the same. Of course this is not over for you, you still have the court case to come, and
no matter what happens, you little girl will probably keep you in contact with this woman………and that
is never easy. I wish you the best outcome regarding your child, but whatever happens next, at least
you have to awareness to protect yourself against your wife’s madness. Warmest regards. Christine
So glad that you managed to identify what was happening to you in your marriage,
and better still, having the strength and courage to get away and expose him.
It is the gaslighting that is so hard to work out because it goes against
all common decency.
It does not sound to me that you were ever a little mouse, but rather someone
who could not figure out what was happening in the relationship. Once people
work out the problem, so many ask “How could I not have known?”. The answer
to that is simple. Good people are rarely suspicious…. they cannot imagine
others doing the things they themselves are incapable of doing…. that is
why the narcissist goes undetected for so long.
If you had got out years ago, but had not worked out what had happened, you
would probably have lived in confusion as to what happened in your marriage
…. and you would have carried your husband for the rest of your life. You
may also have left yourself wide open to attracting another narcissistic
personality to you (i.e in the workplace, a friend, another romance, etc.). It
was best that you completed that gestalt. Stay safe. Christine