Understanding Narcissistic Shame:
It is important to understand that narcissists have difficulties auto-regulating their shame, the reason for that is because most of the time their “shame” is unconscious and unrecognizable to them. I believe that this may well be the cornerstone of their disorder, and the reason that many victims fall foul of their rage. In order to bolster themselves from shame, the narcissist hides behind a mask of grandiosity, but if you shame them, and cause that mask to slip, you will become a victim of their rage. Rage comes in many forms (from mild irritation, aloofness, serious outbursts, to violence) , but all pertain to the same important thing, revenge.
Shame has long been recognized as a defense mechanism against humiliation, and that it is central to the experience of the self (whether being taunted or admired). However, to-day’s theorists are realizing that there is a direct relationship between the effects of shame and the phenomenon of narcissism. It appears that narcissism is deeply involved with shame issues experienced during early developmental stages, and this may well be the root cause of the unexpected flare-ups of rage in the narcissist’s pathology. To understand this a little more, we need to look at the Internalization Process.
The Internalization Process?
The Internalization Process that John Bradshaw (theologian and psychotherapist) speaks about is the gradual process of development that happens over a period of time for every human. In Development Psychology, when we speak in psychological terms about the “Internalization Process” we are talking about the long-term process of consolidating and embedding one’s own beliefs, attitudes, and values, when it comes to moral behavior within the environment. Whether you support the theory that the child comes into the world as a tabula rasa (or a blank slate) that is not capable of making a distinction between himself and important others, or you believe that the infant is equipped from birth with considerable powers to engage the attention of his caregivers, I think it is generally accepted that each child has a need to form an emotional attachment with their mother (or other care-giver), and experience that individual as a part of itself. The child’s knowledge comes directly from its experience and perception of his/her world around them, whether that world is safe or unsafe, healthy or unhealthy, all of which becomes inevitably bound up with the process of their identity formation.
Role models (usually parents, grand-parents, teachers etc) are major players in this internalisation process within the child’s environment, and they will determine greatly how the child will grow to view itself. The role models will endorse a particular set of norms which the child will internalize. By the process of introjection the child takes into itself the behaviours and attributes of their external role models. It is through this internalisation process that social interactions become part of the child’s mental functions as it grows, (for example, after having experienced an interaction with another person the child subsequently experiences the same interaction within itself, and makes it a part of its understanding of interactions with others in general). This identification is a psychological defense mechanism whereby the child can develop a set of norms and adapt itself to similar moral values and guideline by which his/her role models live; this assists the child in their ability to adapt to its surroundings in order to feel safe and secure, not only in their environment, but in the world generally as it strives to form an identity of self.
This is the normal way in which a child develops their self-concept and learns what is acceptable and unacceptable in relation to their personal and sociable behavior. Of course, while the child is growing there is much for the child to learn, and often he fails in those tasks miserably. Each failure the child experience will bring with it a feeling of shame, making it needy for reassuring arms. Whether the shame is experienced as healthy shame or unhealthy shame will depend on the responses of those people around the child. For example, when a child is struggling with a task, it experiences the feeling of healthy shame which will make him/her reach out for help; this reaching out renders the child needy in that moment. If loving reassuring arms come to the rescue, providing them with the patience and encouragement that is needed in order to spur it on to “have another go”, while at the same time being able to feel good about him/herself, then the healthy shame will stay intact. However, if the parent (or caregiver) repeatedly fails to respond appropriately to the child’s needs, he will get the message that it is too needy, and therefore internalise that they must be bad. When this happens the child is likely to experience the core wound of abandonment and their healthy shame will quickly turn to unhealthy toxic shame, making it believe that he/she is unlovable. According to Kaufman, the experience of shame is a fundamental sense of being defective as a person, and it is accompanied by fear of exposure and self-protective rage. So when shame occurs because of a failure to meet a child’s need, this creates a fundamental uncertainty which can become internalized in the form of a self-contempt. So it is through the internalisation process that the child’s healthy shame gets transformed into toxic shame. This toxic shame will affect how the child then sees its self, and their beliefs, thought, and attitudes will be reflected in their self-concept and self-esteem as they grow.
Internalisation of Shame:
The Internalisation Process is when healthy shame is transformed into unhealthy shame and the person experiences him/herself as flawed and defective as a human being. According to Bradshaw, in the case of shame,internalisation takes place when the following 3 processes are consistently reinforced:-
- Identification with shame based models. Identification is one of the most basic human needs, and this begins with our primary caregivers and significant others from the moment we are born. At this early stage, the egocentric child has not yet developed ego boundaries. Ego Boundaries are necessary to guard the child’s inner space, therefore when it is not yet developed the child has no protection. In order to develop boundaries, the child needs to identify with a primary caregiver that has strong boundaries for it to model – without good modeling the child will not develop this resource within themself. The child also needs this identification process in order to learn to depend on someone outside of itself, which will give the child a sense of security, protection and belonging. Unfortunately, when a child has shame-based parents, it identifies with them. Shame-based parents act shamelessly and pass their shame on to the child because “There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself.” This is the first step in the child’s internalizing shame. When caregivers consistently withhold themselves from their egocentric child, it experiences the trauma of abandonment and internalizes that something must be wrong with them. Through the core wounds of abandonment the child loses touch with its authentic self and ceases to exist well psychologically.
- Abandonment: The Legacy of Broken Mutuality. A child needs narcissistic supply in order to mirror and echo who and what he/she is. The child looks to the reflective mirroring eyes of his primary caregiver in order to know how it is doing now in the moment. Without such mirroring it is abandoned. The abandonment includes the loss of mirroring that is so vital to it knowing “who it is”, without such knowing, especially in the first year of life, the child will struggle to form its true identity. However, when the child receives the reflective mirroring that it needs, it will feel good about him/herself. It is then able to express their needs and desires without any fear or threat, and feels safe enough to develop at his/her own pace, developing trust in the caregivers as it goes. As the child’s trust grows, an emotional bond is formed with their primary caregiver. This bond becomes the interpersonal bridge between the child and other caretakers who make up their world. Through mirroring it learns to see itself through the loving eyes of another. He/she learns the difference between “good and bad” without the need to split itself off. A shame-based parent who is shut down emotionally cannot mirror and affirm the child’s emotions. Furthermore, such a parent cannot tolerate their child’s emotions because they trigger their own repressed emotions, which are too overwhelming for them. Rather than being the child’s narcissistic supply, the roles reverse, and the parent looks to be dependent on the child to be their narcissistic supply. When this happens the child is deprived of someone being there for their needs, and it experiences isolation and alienation. Not only is the child alienated from others, but also from its own self. When the Interpersonal Bridge between the child and his/her primary caregivers is broken, the child experiences the core wound of abandonment. Bradshaw states, because the child can neither support nor grieve the pain of this broken mutuality, its emotions are repressed and the grief is unresolved. From that point on, any time in the future if there is an experience that resembles the original shame-based trauma (even vaguely), there is an interconnection of memory imprints which can easily be triggered. Each time this happens, a new imprint attaches to the existing one until it builds into a kaleidoscope of shameful emotions, and the child becomes shame-bound to the core of its identity whenever it has any needs or desires. The child then becomes an object of disease and contempt to itself which it must reject, what Kaufman calls, “creating a binding and paralyzing effect upon the self”.
- The Interconnection of Memory Imprints Which Form Collages of Shame: The repressed shaming visual and auditory experiences are imprinted in the individual’s memory bank, and from then on, any other similar shaming events that are experienced become attached, building into a collage of internalized shameful memories waiting to be triggered. I find the metaphor of a train crash useful for understand this phenomenon. Imagine the first major shaming memory as the engine of the train, and every subsequent shaming memory a separate carriage that gets linked to the last. In time the train becomes longer and longer. If for any reason the train becomes derailed, then it is logical to assume that the more carriages that are involved, the greater the impact of the crash is going to be. The same is true of an individual with years of frozen shaming experienced all looped together at the core of their identity; all it may take is a word, or a facial expression to derail them, releasing an unexpected flare-up of rage in their pathology.
What is Shame?
Shame is the quintessential human emotion that governs all human development, which can be experienced as either having a positive or negative energy charge. Bradshaw refers to these energy charges in either of two ways, as being either Healthy Shame (positive charge) or Unhealthy Shame (negative charge). Regardless of which shame a person experiences, how they internalize that shame charge will affect them greatly. Actually, when we experience shame as a positive charge, it can be transformational in that it can lead us towards a wondrous healthy state of being where we can develop our True Self in the fullest sense as we journey to become a fully actualized and Authentic Self. However, when shame is experienced as a negative charge of continuous toxic shaming energy, it can pervade the whole identity of the person in a way that leaves them feeling flawed and defective to the core of their being. To withstand the agony of this core shame of abandonment, a False Self develops in order to comfort the tormented soul; unfortunately this inauthentic self only serves to isolate the individual from its true humanity, preventing them from becoming a fully alive authentic self.
Healthy Shame V’s Toxic Shame:
We shall look at these two kinds of shame (Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame) in order to give a fuller understanding as to how unhealthy shame contributes to the forming of the narcissistic personality. Healthy shame is the positive energy charge that nurtures the soul, while Unhealthy Shame is the negative or toxic charge that bankrupts the soul and contributes to the forming of the narcissistic personality. Unhealthy shame wounds not only the individual self, but also the family, the community, and the culture at large.
Attributes of Healthy Shame:
Healthy shame is the experiential ground from which conscience and identity spring. Healthy Shame, According to John Bradshaw, is honest because it lets us know that we have limitations, and therefore give us permission to accept our humanness at all times. Healthy shame also helps us to establish a boundary system of socially acceptable behavior in which we can operate safely in relationship to ourselves, and with others. Without boundaries we create problems for ourselves with others, which can lead to feelings of not being accepted, which can leave us feeling lost and confused. Healthy Shame keeps us grounded, reminding us that we are not yet Gods, but mere mortals who occasionally need help from others. Seeking help from another signals the desire to be humble; to have power with someone, rather than power over someone.
Healthy shame makes itself known when we feel embarrassed or blush, thus informing us that we have made a mistake, giving us an opportunity to learn and grow from that mistake. Healthy shame makes us aware of our shyness and protects us from unfamiliar people by signaling us to be cautious. For example, when an infant of six to eight months is approached by a stranger he will exhibit “stranger anxiety” and will reject the stranger. He may lower his eyes shyly, covering his face with his hands or blanket, perhaps throw himself down prone in his cot so that he can hide his face. He may even cry or scream. These are all responses we associate with shame, so perhaps shame is an emotion that exists at birth in order to protect us. For example, through the safe arms or mirroring eyes of the mother the child will know that it is safe. Once the child feels safe its stranger anxiety will be quenched. Healthy shame highlights our basic need for connection through relationships with others. It lets us know that “no man is an island”, and it pushes the aching heart to find comfort in social settings within a community of friends. From as early as two months the infant searches the mothers face looking for facial expressions in order to make contact. He/she will even try to make faces at the mother in order to get her attention. If it does not get the response it is looking for, it will cry out in distress, or it will avert its eyes from the mother’s eyes in order to evacuate its disappointment or fear, thus hiding its shame of abandonment. Healthy shame is the thrust that we need in order to find love and intimacy with another. Later in life when we find that intimacy in a loving relationship, that “love of the lovers” is so powerful that it can literally bring new life into the world, and into the heart of the community for all to share.
Healthy shame makes space for us not having to be always “right”. Richard Bandler suggests that one of the major blocks to creativity was the feeling of knowing we are right. Being always right is equivalent to always having to have clarity. To have appropriate clarity is useful, but needing clarity all of the time in order to be always right is inappropriate, as it kills spontaneity, curiosity, and ultimately one’s creativity. In many cultures the Shaman (who is a man of knowledge) views clarity as being an enemy of any man/woman who seeks knowledge, because it can render them consciously blind. This blindness tricks a person into never doubting him/herself, leaving them to think that they are greater than they really are, and may lead them to think that they are “special” over everybody else. With this impatient clarity of mind, the person looses modesty and develops a false pride, which will only stop them from continuing the path of knowledge. The Shaman urges man to defy clarity, to use it only to see where he can push his creativity and imagination further in order to become even more curious. However, in those times when he feels that he needs to rest in the arms of Clarity, the shaman warns, “let it be for just a brief time, lingering too long in those arms will rob a man of his awe and wonder”. Man’s search for meaning begins in awe and wonder, without it he interrupts his creativity, and will bring his search for knowledge to a sudden end. Healthy shame keeps us in a state of awe and wonder, where we are always unfolding and growing towards our spiritual nature, where we can become whole once again. That is the true meaning of the word “holy”, we are whole when we are uninjured, sound, healthy, entire, and complete. Healthy shame is essential for guiding and grounding us to the ultimate source of reality. Grounded in reality we will be further directed towards developing a healthy personality where we can strengthen and transcend our ego states in a “harmonious family of self”.
Attributes of Unhealthy Shame:
Unhealthy Shame, (or what Bradshaw calls Toxic Shame) is the unconscious demon that undermines the individual’s self-esteem, self-worth, personal power, spontaneous action, and joyous spirit. All of which produces intense self-scrutiny, leaving a man with an all pervasive sense that he is defective and worthless as a human being. When the “self “considers itself to be basically flawed, the individual experiences excruciating pain and fears within their self, making them want to hide their flawed self from the world. Terrified that they will be found out, the person will goes to great lengths to guard against exposing their inner self not only from others, but also from their own self. Afraid that he/she is not good enough, not smart enough, not intelligent enough, the person becomes a slave to their own incessant inner critic. As a slave they are no longer free to communicate their thoughts and words in an open honest manner. All the time their incessant internal voices are snapping at their heels like hungry dogs, making sure that they rehearse every word before they dare to speak. These overzealous internal voices function for only one purpose, to save the person’s vulnerable self from any form of criticism or humiliation. Unable to operate from their true self, whom they believe cannot be trusted; they abandon their authentic self in favor of a persona that is a false self. Sadly for a narcissist, it is this false self that houses their pathological narcissism. This causes the narcissist’s False Self to looks to the outside for fulfillment and validation from narcissistic supply, because they cannot trust their own perceived interior flawed self. This leads to a spiritual bankruptcy, because rather than just Being, the narcissist is dominated by doing and achieving.
Unhealthy Shame and Its Recognition in Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Unhealthy shame leads the narcissist to suffer a sense of smallness, worthlessness, and powerlessness in their relationship with others. The shame can be triggered whenever he/she feels exposed (whether shamed by own self, or by another), whether it is real or imagined makes little difference to them. Being “seen” is at the centre of the narcissist’s shame. Their internal images of being “looked at” are so distressing to them, that they wish to disappear out of view when there is the hint of any shame attaching to them, and if they cannot escape then you are likely to experience their almighty rage erupting.
All my narcissistic relatives all happen to be the most spoiled and entitled, i.e. the oldest with special privileges, entitlements, authority over younger siblings, and/or high responsibilities/roles within the family unit. This includes my oldest sister, an older brother, my eldest daughter from my first marriage, and eldest daughter from my second marriage.
The treatment my narcissistic sister was because she was the oldest, she was always in charge of the 5 younger siblings. She received special privileges just simply for being the oldest, received the best of everything and was largely spoiled. The treatment my brother (#3 birth order) was that when given the responsibility of overseeing our 400 acre farm at age 15, the farm had it’s first profitable year – My mother bragged on him and built him up and he went on to become a billionaire but became a grandiose narcissist and nearly impossible to be around as no one else exists but him. My oldest daughter and first grandchild was overly praised by myself and her grandmother. She didn’t receive special privileges for being the oldest but I do blame the excessive praise as contributing to the narcissism. (See brother #3) My oldest daughter from my second marriage and 13 years younger than her oldest narcissistic sister did not receive excessive praise, but she did inquire once about wanting special privileges for being the oldest of her father’s children. I told her no, we don’t operate that way. Somewhere she had the idea that being the oldest meant she was special and I have worked hard to let her know she’s loved and important no matter her birth order.
We may never know the exact causes of narcissism as there may be many but looking at all the narcissists in my family I would say that excessive praise and special privileges are likely the root cause, making the child feel entitled and elevated to adult status without the maturity and age requirement.
I think Christine made it pretty clear in other articles, *SOME* child-victims of narcissistic abuse react or compensate by mirroring their abuser and becoming like their abuser, rather than overt victims. Others may react by an excess mixture of empathy and self-pity, in which self-pity can be projected onto others who are “like them” … chronic victims of others or themselves.
Yet being a chronic victim *is* another definition of narcissist, the “victim role” who is in reality always in control and always blaming others unrealistically for some form of evil a/o excess negligence a/o purposely choosing to harm them.
For example, my mother angrily accused her children of “giving her a cold” when she was suffering, although she certainly was smart enough to know about disease and cold viruses and that kids pick up communicable illnesses at school from other children.
For example, my mother being “humorous” introduced us to an old friend at the store as “my three rotten kids”. I remember this incident, probably happened many times, because at that point I was old enough to appreciate the awkwardness and embarrassment for me, and somewhat grasp the source of that within her, that she could introduce her pre-teen babies, her jewels, as essentially rotten spoiled unappreciative mal-behaving garbage humans.
This was especially striking because I knew that the two older children were especially perfectionist, intelligent, high performers, had perfectionist tendencies, while the youngest a toddler seemed to have some early ADHD tendencies, and a kind of “wild temperament”, he was also eager to please and receive praise. That’s the opposite of “rotten”. Rottenness, alcohol and drug abuse, and morphing into 1970s wannabe hippies and trouble-seekers and risk-takers, that rebellion did not emerge for several more years.
For example, my mother angrily accused her children of doing an *inadequate* job of house-cleaning chores, but not just because we were young amateur children, not just because her self-worth was tied to being a good 1950s/1960s housewife with a clean house and dinner at 6, while her children might have other goals interests and sources of interest other than dust-free surfaces, but that we were being inadequate ON PURPOSE in order to make her angry and hurt and sad, and purposely under-appreciating her great sacrifices and pain.
This does not describe a typical NPD, a high society person with tons of shoes and the finest clothes. Mom was relatively cheap. She was obsessed with discounts and bargains, sometimes necessary sometimes not so much. But where she placed her narcissistic self-worth, in the housewife role, she was very concerned about appearances, about rules for dutiful “reciprocation” for any gifts or thanks received, about rules for manners, and would not shy away from yelling with rage or hysterical crying at times to *enforce* these rules, again, via manipulation through anger or via manipulation through guilt, or some of both.
Yet a growing child can make conscious or unconscious choices and decisions about WHAT THIS MEANS and what the solution might be and how to REACT to this situation, and thereby become a rescuer, a co-victim, or a perpetrator, and based on the general list of other roles.
Just as some adults may react to stress by overeating, others by drinking booze, others by gambling, others some form of thrill-seeking or becoming hyper-success-oriented, a super-achiever. Nothing wrong with many of those activities, it’s a question of extremes and of what’s driving these choices.
I like this article and shame does exist in these narcissists but they are such evil people and do horrible things to others. No matter how nice you treat them. They want to destroy you. I have a hard time understanding shame is the only toxic thing going on in these evil people. There is something else that exists that is pathology like from birth. Because 3 children born to a narcissist mother and only one child acquired narcissism. The other two did not. It is doubtful the mother treated any of the 3 differently yet only one child became narcissist. With this theory all 3 would have received toxic parenting at the age where the self is forming. Something else is in the genetics to cause narcissism. Meaning from birth there is a defect. And no amount of happy mothering will stop this disorder from being. More research needs to be done. Including how to cure narcissism. They are sociopaths destroying so many lives and society needs to deal with this and hold them accountable. Just because a crime isn’t committed by them I do feel destroying healthy people and taking their souls with narcissist abusive is a crime they are getting away with. They walk free after a trail of destruction with a smile on their face with regard to the evil they unleashed. It’s wrong and they need to be held accountable. Child abuse from narcissists isn’t just physical. It’s emotional abuse which is just as bad if not worse. Sad for our society that this filth is out there destroying good humans.
Thank you, Tanna. Just coming to terms after nearly 25 years of a difficult marriage that my husband struggles with NPD. Your words were encouraging. I am finding it very hard to live with him, yet have taken my marriage vows seriously…it sound as if you have made some good decisions and I appreciate your perspective.
After being married to an NPD person since 1973, I know MUCH about it just from observation and his treatment of others. Shame is the basis of his problem, of course, and he has an extra issue of having a medium-serious case of Tourette’s Syndrome (TS). After about 8 years of marriage, I knew something was very wrong, but neither of these conditions were talked about and less was known about them in medical fields. I went to our local hospital’s medical library, (a good MAYO clinic satellite) got permission to look up research information, and put together the TS condition (his tics are slight, and he can control them when necessary at work). But I didn’t know about NPD then, though I knew the frustrating and hurtful symptoms of it because I saw it daily. Later, it had a name, and I could research NPD, which I immediately did. It became unbearable to live with this man, so we have lived apart for the last 12 years though I do not divorce him for 2 reasons: if I do divorce, he will not have my medical insurance and I don’t want him to suffer since he IS the father of my 3 children; and because I believe these conditions are beyond his control, I cannot bring myself to blame him. Also, at the age of 72, I doubt that he could change. The TS includes impulsive behavior and huge amounts of shame simply for having TS – this plays into the shame involved in NPD, and he is not strong enough to fight them both. And of course, as a narcissist, he doesn’t believe he has anything wrong with him or that he behaves the way we all tell him he behaves. He is always in denial, and defensive. And since I actually can’t blame him for his behaviors (I would not want to face it if I acted as he does), I have simply taken myself physically out of the equation. We do include him in family get-togethers, but no one can tolerate being around him for more than a couple hours. Just enough so he knows he has family. A sad result is that my grandson has been diagnosed with 4 disorders (all neurologically related, we are told) which are: TS, obsessive compulsive disorder, serious ADHD, and autism/Asperger’s Syndrome in which he is very high functioning and has an IQ of 122, but socially inept. So it is sad that he is so intelligent and has potential, but that it is deterred by the conditions that he was born with. We’ve been told they are likely genetic and from my husband’s line of his family. So….more shame for him – and for now also me, for bringing 3 children into the world who could inherit his conditions. What a complex and tangled situation – and really even though we feel guilt, there is no blame to be placed as we come to life and family with our genetics. My wish, every day I pray for this, is that I can die with no more grandchildren having any kind of genetic diagnosis relating to their grandfather. Of course, I blame myself for making a poor choice in marriage and for the father of my children – and if I had known his family background, I would not have married him or at least I would not have had children. His parents were dead when I met him, and he only had one sibling and one cousin, who are both fine. So there was no way I could have known about family genetics. Well. this is my story, and though it won’t really be of help to anyone. perhaps it might let someone know that they are not alone in their struggles.
Found my past out recently after reading “Healing the shame that binds us”. 55yrs old now and
DISGUSTED AND HURT. Too many feelings to overcome at one time. I need more help but can’t seem to get it. R should I say TOO EXHAUSTED!
I read Bradshaw’s writing about toxic shame when I was a teenager and then, again, when I was in my mid-thirties. As a teenager I was far too depressed and in the thick of familial shame to have it register with me. But, when older it resonated with me. I agree with Shannon that there is an interesting question to be raised about why some of us who quite possibly had the same types of difficulties as others and can identify much too closely with those grand lists of “what to watch out for” to determine a narcissistic personality. I certainly have moved around a lot, have had a life long history of toxic relationships, and so on but I know I am not a pathological narcissist. The other side of the shame “coin” is that empathic people who were abused as children seem to get plagued with having such a wide net cast for allowing toxic individuals into their lives. I have carried my own shame for things done to me as a child that I, of course, had no control over but internalized. I’ve also carried shame that absolutely did not belong to me. My brain seemed unable to realize that what was done to me was not my fault. In a child’s mind it seems obvious (now that I am an adult) that I would think these bad things that are happening to me must mean I am bad inside, in fact, toxic. Thus a pattern of accepting more and more toxic persons became my “norm”. But how does this differ inside the brain chemistry of a psychopath? What is the link for them to the shame they carry? Is it that instead of internalizing it they create a persona to be protected at all costs? Or are they born with an empathy gene completely missing? There are so many flavors in how these individuals play out their toxicity but one common theme I have seen with every, single one of them is this: They do not evolve or learn from their transgressions and they have finely tuned abilities when it comes to unloading their shame onto other people. It’s up to everyone else to be educated so we don’t allow them to do this and highly empathic people must be especially on their guard.
Hi Arturo, Congratulations on reaching 84 years on this earth, and coming to 50 years of marriage…….. that is quite an achievement. You are a very brave man willing to put your relationship under the microscope, and so is your wife to join you in that task. All psychotherapist must undertake such a journey, so I understand how difficult a task it can be…… but a wonderful one if willing to enter the adventure of the discovery of self.
We are all narcissistic to some degree, in fact we need to be in order to be healthy. However, narcissism goes all the way from healthy to pathological. In its pathological form it is also called The Dark Triad (NPD, Malignant Narcissism, and psychopathy)……. actually that is what my book The Three Faces of Evil: Unmaksing the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse is all about.
I am glad you found the article on “shame” helpful, and thank you for the kind feedback. It may help you understand your love bird more readily. Being the child of a narcissistic woman is always difficult, but for the only child, they usually pay dearly as her mother’s only captive source of narcissistic supply. Rather than having a single role, she will have to play all the roles as required (i.e. golden child, scapegoat, mascot and best friend), an impossible task for a child.
Children of narcissistic mothers do well to develop awarenness of their own behaviour. They also gain by seeing the dysfunction in the parenting they received, but this can be very difficult, as they have spent their whole childhood protecting the narcissistic parent, not just from others, but from their own dysfunctional self. Awareness helps them evaluate how much they repeat what was modeled by the narcissistic parent…… in some ways the adult child’s repetition carries “remnants” of the mothers behaviours (which is totally understandable as all children learn through mirroring). I believe that children learn to survive their narcissistic parent by developing certain narcissistic traits as defenses. Defensive mechanisms are unconscious, so the surviving child has no idea of these defenses, and these are carried unconsciously into adulthood…… unless the person gets a chance to get the awareness they are unaware of their own narcissistic tendencies. This is all part of the recovery process of all victims.
Where you are willing and able to reflect, it may be a very painful thing for your wife to do…… she may or may not be able for it at her stage of life. At least you still have each other, you have found a way to manage the situation together, and that says a lot.
Warmest regards.
Christine
Dear Chris,
First, thanks for the above ! In a couple of days I‘ll be 84. Later this year I‘ll be married to my second wife 50 yrs. She‘s a great gal but occasionally does crazy things. Don‘t we all. Overall, we‘ve had a great life together. However, I‘ve always felt intimacy was lacking. When I asked her how she felt about this, she‘d dissemble. Somewhere about a year ago, due to an unpleasantness, I suggested we analyze our lives from birth and step by step compare notes. I was under the impression she had guilt problems stemming from her years in show biz and hoped I could convince her anything she‘d done in the past didn‘t matter to me. So I began:
Finding out about our relationship
Honesty is the foundation of any relationship
also the foundation of mental health
Unfortunately it turned out to be a monologue. It‘s now finished. Part 1 & 2 are 87 pages of investigation. Part 1 ended with my realizing she was an NPD. After hours of investigating our problems on the internet in the wrong direction, what I read lead unequivocally to this conclusion. I never realized narcissism was such a wide spread disease disrupting relationships. I thought of it as being annoying to others but only as a harmless conceit. I‘ve read so much on the subject I‘ve finally decided I‘m not going to find anything new as to what it is. Psychiatrist’s 100% agreement is that NPD is incurable. I still foolishly hope bringing core shame to consciousness and a realization of how it’s influenced a person’s “Self” could alter their “I am what I am”? If an intelligent “self” recognized why their actions are that of an uncontrollable NPD, I should think they’d prefer to be in control of themselves. Knowledge is power.
Part 2 includes all of your above “Is there a relationship between Narcissism and Shame“. From what I‘ve read about the etiology, this chapter says it all and is by far the most succinct ! Brava, Brava !
Knowing what‘s going on has cleared my mind and answered all my bewildered questions of the past 50 years. I doubt if our marital relationship will change. I printed Part 1 and gave it to my wife. She‘s the only child of an NPD mother. I don‘t know what my love bird thought of it but her only verbal comment was “Oh no, you‘re wrong. My mommy and daddy came to all my performances“.
I was in the process of printing Part 2 to show her and half way through ran out of ink. It‘s ordered. If you‘re interested, I‘d be happy to let you know what happens from here. If you‘re academically interested in an untrained mind‘s manner of searching, I‘d be happy to send the whole document. I don‘t know about you but I usually wake up mornings thinking. Many times I‘m not sure if I‘m awake or asleep. A few mornings ago I had a revelation. I‘ll paste it.
– 25 –
Shortly before Izzy visited I told you I had a revelation. It was a
sudden expansion of what I’d expressed earlier, namely:
“ Parents who are contentedly happy with themselves pass on happy unselfish feelings about life, love and sex. The child who looks into eyes of this type parent not only merges with them, it merges with all of contented humanity‘s awe and wonder of life.“
I was generalizing. The generalization referred to continuous ongoing eye contact. My body tingling revelation was realizing the potentially life long mental influence a baby‘s first eye contact at birth could be. “First impressions are lasting impressions“ then becomes a much more than casual quote.
From “Baby Center“
At birth your baby can’t focus farther than 15 inches away – just far enough to make out the face of the person holding him. It can detect light, shapes, and movement beyond that but it’s pretty blurry. Appropriately enough, your face is the most fascinating thing to your baby at birth, so be sure to give it plenty of close-up time.
So the curtain opens and a baby struggles to make its entrance from its cozy warm dark wings onto an unknown stage. It doesn‘t know why it‘s leaving such a comfortable environment. It‘s not capable of thinking. It simply feels it‘s time to go. It brings with it some genetic qualities but they have not yet surfaced awareness. Unless maternal feelings were transferred to the fetus, we would assume it has no feelings whatsoever. No one‘s sure but it‘s agreed a baby feels lots of pressure but little pain during delivery. Since a baby always assists in its appearance, we would assume it enters without fear. They usually enter the light at the end of the tunnel crying but that‘s to start their lungs so they can supply their own oxygen before the cutting of the umbilical cord. When the cord is cut, not only the miracle of birth is renewed, the miracle and meaning of life itself is renewed. As the baby enters the lights it has no feelings whatsoever. As such, it is only an object. An object alone is nothing more than that. In order to be a loving human, it must relate to loving humans and vice versa. Their first eye contact is with mommy. This first eye contact could possibly set the tone of its entire relationship with the world. If mommy is an NPD, the baby’s eyes meet wondrous loving eyes which regard them as their most treasured object. NPD’s dearly love their objects but the baby receives no merging with love and contented humanity‘s awe and wonder of life. They remain an object.
– 26 –
It would seem to me the baby who‘s first human contact is meeting the eyes of an NPD mother regarding it as her beautiful object and is projecting her plans for it as opposed to projecting the awe and wonder of a new human individual life could be more than a “baby step“ leading to this baby‘s considering all other humans as objects.
This was my revelation !
Going back to “Baby Center“, completing their answer to “ Can my baby see at birth ?“: From the day your baby’s born, its eyes will aid its physical, mental and emotional development by allowing it to take in information – a little bit at first and eventually much more about the world around them.
…, but how do they internalize the world around them?
Could it be the road to narcissism ?
Love, Arturo
Dear Chris,
First, thanks for the above ! In a couple of days I‘ll be 84. Later this year I‘ll be married to my second wife 50 yrs. She‘s a great gal but occasionally does crazy things. Don‘t we all. Overall, we‘ve had a great life together. However, I‘ve always felt intimacy was lacking. When I asked her how she felt about this, she‘d dissemble. Somewhere about a year ago, due to an unpleasantness, I suggested we analyze our lives from birth and step by step compare notes. I was under the impression she had guilt problems stemming from her years in show biz and hoped I could convince her anything she‘d done in the past didn‘t matter to me. So I began:
Finding out about our relationship
Honesty is the foundation of any relationship
also the foundation of mental health
Unfortunately it turned out to be a monologue. It‘s now finished. Part 1 & 2 are 87 pages of investigation. Part 1 ended with my realizing she was an NPD. After hours of investigating our problems on the internet in the wrong direction, what I read lead unequivocally to this conclusion. I never realized narcissism was such a wide spread disease disrupting relationships. I thought of it as being annoying to others but only as a harmless conceit. I‘ve read so much on the subject I‘ve finally decided I‘m not going to find anything new as to what it is. Psychiatrist’s 100% agreement is that NPD is incurable. I still foolishly hope bringing core shame to consciousness and a realization of how it’s influenced a person’s “Self” could alter their “I am what I am”? If an intelligent “self” recognized why their actions are that of an uncontrollable NPD, I should think they’d prefer to be in control of themselves. Knowledge is power.
Part 2 includes all of your above “Is there a relationship between Narcissism and Shame“. From what I‘ve read about the etiology, this chapter says it all and is by far the most succinct ! Brava, Brava !
Knowing what‘s going on has cleared my mind and answered all my bewildered questions of the past 50 years. I doubt if our marital relationship will change. I printed Part 1 and gave it to my wife. She‘s the only child of an NPD mother. I don‘t know what my love bird thought of it but her only verbal comment was “Oh no, you‘re wrong. My mommy and daddy came to all my performances“.
I was in the process of printing Part 2 to show her and half way through ran out of ink. It‘s ordered. If you‘re interested, I‘d be happy to let you know what happens from here. If you‘re academically interested in an untrained mind‘s manner of searching, I‘d be happy to send the whole document. I don‘t know about you but I usually wake up mornings thinking. Many times I‘m not sure if I‘m awake or asleep. A few mornings ago I had a revelation. I‘ll paste it.
– 25 –
Shortly before Izzy visited I told you I had a revelation. It was a
sudden expansion of what I’d expressed earlier, namely:
“ Parents who are contentedly happy with themselves pass on happy unselfish feelings about life, love and sex. The child who looks into eyes of this type parent not only merges with them, it merges with all of contented humanity‘s awe and wonder of life.“
I was generalizing. The generalization referred to continuous ongoing eye contact. My body tingling revelation was realizing the potentially life long mental influence a baby‘s first eye contact at birth could be. “First impressions are lasting impressions“ then becomes a much more than casual quote.
From “Baby Center“
At birth your baby can’t focus farther than 15 inches away – just far enough to make out the face of the person holding him. It can detect light, shapes, and movement beyond that but it’s pretty blurry. Appropriately enough, your face is the most fascinating thing to your baby at birth, so be sure to give it plenty of close-up time.
So the curtain opens and a baby struggles to make its entrance from its cozy warm dark wings onto an unknown stage. It doesn‘t know why it‘s leaving such a comfortable environment. It‘s not capable of thinking. It simply feels it‘s time to go. It brings with it some genetic qualities but they have not yet surfaced awareness. Unless maternal feelings were transferred to the fetus, we would assume it has no feelings whatsoever. No one‘s sure but it‘s agreed a baby feels lots of pressure but little pain during delivery. Since a baby always assists in its appearance, we would assume it enters without fear. They usually enter the light at the end of the tunnel crying but that‘s to start their lungs so they can supply their own oxygen before the cutting of the umbilical cord. When the cord is cut, not only the miracle of birth is renewed, the miracle and meaning of life itself is renewed. As the baby enters the lights it has no feelings whatsoever. As such, it is only an object. An object alone is nothing more than that. In order to be a loving human, it must relate to loving humans and vice versa. Their first eye contact is with mommy. This first eye contact could possibly set the tone of its entire relationship with the world. If mommy is an NPD, the baby’s eyes meet wondrous loving eyes which regard them as their most treasured object. NPD’s dearly love their objects but the baby receives no merging with love and contented humanity‘s awe and wonder of life. They remain an object.
– 26 –
It would seem to me the baby who‘s first human contact is meeting the eyes of an NPD mother regarding it as her beautiful object and is projecting her plans for it as opposed to projecting the awe and wonder of a new human individual life could be more than a “baby step“ leading to this baby‘s considering all other humans as objects.
This was my revelation !
Going back to “Baby Center“, completing their answer to “ Can my baby see at birth ?“: From the day your baby’s born, its eyes will aid its physical, mental and emotional development by allowing it to take in information – a little bit at first and eventually much more about the world around them.
…, but how do they internalize the world around them?
Could it be the road to narcissism ?
Love, Arturo
I have the same question as Shannon – Why do some people who had narcissistic parents become narcissists themselves, while others escape this destiny?
Really fantastic questions Shannon. Answering these questions would make an interesting and fine article indeed.
Interesting enough and maybe they are on to something…but what about those of us who had them as parents and were shamed (in a toxic way) regularly, abused, mistreated? Those of us who turned out to be very empathetic individuals with a keen sense of how that very thing makes others feel due to our own experiences? A keen sense of what’s right and wrong and how our actions affect others? What about those of us who were able to embrace our true-selves anyway at some point and learned to love our true and authentic selves. flaws and all? That really is the question that must be answered. Why some of us with the same backgrounds come out alright while other’s don’t?