The Narcissist’s and the Victim’s Survival Strategies are Both Born Out of Narcissistic Vulnerability
Although the abuse these two individuals have experienced in childhood is quite similar, the personality of the pathological narcissist and the victim become forged in very different ways.
As a result, the narcissist (as perpetrator), according to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association), develops a grandiose sense of self-importance (they exaggerate their accomplishments and demand to be considered superior without real evidence of achievement).
They live in a fantasy world of exceptional success, power, beauty, genius or “perfect” love. They think of themselves as “special” or privileged, and that they can only be understood by other special or high-status people.
They demand excessive amounts of praise or admiration. They feel entitled to automatic deference, compliance or favourable treatment from others. They are highly exploitative, always looking to take advantage.
They lack empathy and do not recognise or identify with other people’s feelings. They are frequently envious of others and think others are envious of them. Full of grandiosity, they act in haughty or arrogant ways. They don’t take responsibility for their actions and blame others for anything that goes wrong. Although they appear highly confident and superior individuals, underneath their ego is extremely fragile, very delicate, leaving them easily offended and rage prone. They oscillate between their Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personas of idealisation and hatred.
The victim’s characteristics, on the other hand, is in stark contrast to the pathological narcissist. Very often the victim is a modest, gentle, and humble self that does not need to be the centre of attention. They respond to the needs and wishes of others; this is an unconscious defence they use to stay safe.
By the time, they become teenagers they have become highly empathic (often Empaths), and therefore hyper-vigilant to other people’s needs, especially those with a narcissistic personality. Because of working hard to please others, they become out of touch with their own needs and feelings.
They prefer to fade into the background in their relationships, allowing others to have the limelight. They tend to be over responsible, therefore likely to take the blame for any interpersonal problems in their dealings with others. They don’t look for attention or help for themselves, on the contrary, they are compulsively self-reliant.
In fact, they have a cognitive proclivity to go it alone, of course, that is based on a fear that has come from their childhood experience, and their propensity to be overly responsible. However, they give their soul to others without a second thought, and become compulsive “rescuers and fixers” at every opportunity. Therefore, they are like a magnetic force for pathological narcissists, who all want to be taken care of and minded. It is easy to see why the empathic victim is valued so highly by the pathological narcissist, at least for as long as they satisfy their needs.
Regarding my own compulsive self-reliance, I do not know how many times I have isolated myself by not asking for help. So many of my friends and family have come to me when they need help, but I would rarely ask for their help in return, even when I badly needed it. I have done that to myself for years, and now I understand why I have done that, because having to rely on others is more frightening than having to rely on myself. Having to constantly protect myself from my psychopathic brother’s unpredictable mood swings, and having to prepare myself for the worst possible scenario that followed. Both these factors went a long way towards fostering my compulsive self-reliance. I can see how this protective strategy worked for me around my brother Gerard, but it has also hurt me/ It also explains why I always seemed to attract procrastinators as well as narcissists. They have an uncanny sense of knowing that I will nurture them, and request little or nothing in return. But even that can backfire too, because without realising, I was fostering a sense of helplessness in these relationships, and of course, that always ends in shame and resentment for the other. Then, when these narcissistic personality types lashed out at me, I would truly not have any idea why they did that.
Victims of narcissistic abuse like to be well prepared for anything, and for that reason, they don’t really like surprises flung at them. My need to be prepared allows me to feel in control, being in control made me feel safe. Of course, I know this leaves me open to being seen as a control freak, but it is something quite different really. Something deep inside me leads me to expect that it is only a matter of time before other people are going to be disappointed in me, so I tend to work around their needs, asking very little in return. This was my way of surviving my brother Gerard’s disappointment and violent responsive rages that had a terrifying effect on me, and obviously still resonates with me. I never knew what symptoms would drive his desire to be violent towards me; i.e. his heightened sense of entitlement, hostility, dominance, controlling, suspiciousness, intolerance, recklessness, and aggressiveness.
I did not understand back then that it was easy for Gerard to engage in violence as he invested very little cost in his relationships, this was because some of his symptoms of psychopathy disinhibited him (i.e. he was unempathic, unattached, lacking anxiety and remorse, etc.). Anything could destabilise his mood, that was why there was no logic to his outbursts. I hope it is becoming clear how “compulsive self-reliance” is the hallmark of a child who has survived being a victim of painful narcissistic abuse, and a way of trying to overcome the unwarranted guilt of not being able to “fix” what was wrong in the family. Is it any wonder that I was acting like an adult before I was even an adolescent, my caretaking started from the time I made my first steps towards playing with my pathological brother Gerard?
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
Thank you so much for everything you write. Your views and way of explaining about the dynamics are extremely helpfull. This is ‘help regarding to narcissm’ 3.0 :). I will order your books as well, because i feel they can put me on the right track in becoming a complete, healed and happier person, by learning how and why my personality has been created around my fathers narcissism. You are 1 of the best experts, in my opinion. Thank you, for everything.
Thank you Christine for another article to expand our insight into this dynamic. Reading this as well as the comments brought to mind Ross Rosenberg’s explanation of the victim suffering from SLDD (self-love deficit disorder) while the perpetrator being Sam Vatkin’s explanation of himself as having “malignant self-love”. An addictive toxic dance that matches up in a way – perhaps as a vessel offering an opportunity to heal.
I had the narcissist sister from hell who would do things to me on a regular basis to humiliate me. She refused to let me hang with her friends and I was definitely the empath. I chose to withdraw. She loved to make me feel unworthy and finally, when my parents died and she had moved close to them she cut me out of the will. My mother wanted all evenly divided but she made me hire an attorney to even see the will. The state she was in has a no time limitation on settling, and she was executor as she was living literally next door to them. I was 1,000 miles away in our home town. My parents had retired and moved and my newly divorced and remarried sister moved with them. It was always a case of going up to visit and hearing about the really horrible stuff I was made of in jibes and verbal onslaught, and my sister took great delight in trotting out past embarrassments and personal stuff just to make me feel bad about it all over a gain. I have not spoken with her in 4 years now and losing that toxic person in my life is turning out to be a good thing.
I unfortunately married a narc too and he doesn’t see anything I do or comment on it and I am very creative and have run the household flawlessly, paid bills, taught and raised two kid
s. My husband is an alcoholic and that greatly affects the quality of our life. He has been unfaithful. He was horrible to our son who left the house at 17 and became a homeless drug addict, now 43 years old have not seen him in 7 years.
I have been in therapy to discover that indeed a snake is a snake. I have the choice to leave, now I have stopped catering to him since I discovered another girlfriend he has been seeing and I am ready to pull the plug. This has made him very solicitous but I don’t care anymore. Just going to see if the latest promise to stop abusing alcohol is of any value, I doubt it. His girlfriend he says is now history. I used flattery for years to survive and even get things I wanted done, but now I want to see how he does without the narcisstic supply cause it’s about used up.
I’m not sticking around after 45 years of marriage to nurse him through the health issues he will have from his extreme alcohol use that has gone on his entire life and will no doubt continue. I have quit drinking for the most part as it is unhealthy and I feel good without it. Makes me look at him sideways when he’s pouring down the wine every night and I have even tried watering it down, which he doesn’t notice to help him not imbibe so much. Ultimately it’s his decision and I have told him I’m not staying if he can’t control himself. I have endured domestic violence, I am co dependent, but I am getting stronger so I can someday leave. Or he may self destruct. After 45 years I hate to cut and run but I want a good life and this ain’t it. It was awful trying to balance both his arrogant anger at my sister and my father (well deserved) and keep him happy during many visits up there. I literally had to go off and get him high before he’d return to the house when we were up there. Our poor kids, my sister did a number on our young son’s head by constantly condemning his father, who was far better than the man she ended up with. But she is a very bad narcissist and her husband is just a stupid prop. She was constantly horrible and chipping away at us behind our backs to our parents to make us look bad. We really tried to be helpful when we visited and my husband does have mad skills in fixing things so he would fix something that her husband had just looked at and walked away from that my parents needed help with. This angered her greatly as jealousy was her best friend. So happy that period of my life is over with. Now to deal with my husband. Maybe he can get a hold of his alcoholism, maybe not but he gets arrogant if I suggest change and I know it’s up to him. He has heard it from me that it is his decision not mine. I do not want the “mom” role anymore.
I feel badly about our son, that our home life when he was so little was so alcoholic and his father so detached and actually sadistic towards him. We tried to help him at a critical point in his addiction but he was unresponsive and chose to move into this life he is living now. Our daughter is super achiever trying to make up for her brother’s short comings and it’s unfair for her to feel that she needs to be perfect. It’s a burden she needs to lose too. While she is aware of our problems at 35 she also does not want to talk about anything with me. We have had this disconnect since she was sexually abused by her paternal grandfather, at age 8, the man who was so cruel to his own son, my husband. I have tried very hard to be a loving and supportive partner but there comes a point when you realize your efforts go unnoticed or walked on, or even made fun of.
Could it get any worse? I am no longer neglecting my own needs, exercising regularly and keeping my body and mind strong. It is so hard to leave, esp. when you get a ray of sunlight in the relationship which happens sometimes and probably gives me false hopes. I actually told my MD that I just hoped he would die before I did so I could have a couple of years of peace in my life. My MD’s response was that I was bipolar and wanted me to be evaluated. My therapist told me to ask my MD to put me on Wellbutrim. Been there done that gained weight and lost my sex drive so how is that not more depressing than depression? I also can’t imagine living alone without him, my co dependency. He knows he is a narcissist and he tries more to be empathetic but then I find out about the girlfriend, see him over imbibing, put up with his condescending nature. My life is quite the spider’s web of issues.
joahna, I know this is a very long shot but if you happen to see this message I would like to see if we could talk. I also have a sister like this and I find that it is just so rare that others can relate to the abuse coming from a sibling let alone a sister to sister. I am recovering and feel so empowered just knowing what has happened…finally….but I am still trying to make connections and possibly create a support network and I’d love to talk with another in my shoes.
hi carol… i do not want to sound patronizing but in fact you ARE healing… just by being here and reading these stories you are making progress. The abuse we all suffered may be years in the making and we do not heal quickly. As most will tell you, TIME is our true ally. Do the work. Understand YOUR part in this situation. As for me, i am very very empathetic, a caretaker. More worried about taking care of others than myself at times. Boy, does that raise a narcissists’ radar. They hone in on me – and I fall for it. The two narcissist that i have been involved with are very damaged people – but as i told a friend, you cannot blame a snake for being a snake. IN TIME, after licking my wounds, reading hours and hours of information on narcissist, being fetal for days on end, slowly a little light shines and with a lot of self examination, and in time, with a lot of work, journaling, talking to the one friend who is truly patient – she may not, probably cannot, truly understand but she listens and puts up with my whining – the little light becomes a little brighter. There are many days when it is very, very dim, but in time, there are more days where it shines a brighter. Be patient. Know you will suffer for a good bit of time – but that you will heal, you will come out stronger and you will have the pride and strength of a survivor. Then you can use your painful lessons to help guide others who are where you used to be. I truly wish you a life of happiness and self awareness. Bill
Every article like this I read on this subject (which is relatively new to me), is like reading my life story for the past 10 years with an abusive narcissistic meglomaniac who made me question every aspect of my reality. Thanks for these supportive and enlightening articles!
Love
Julian
Diana, I understand about being disappointed when you need help and don’t get it. I hardly ever ask for help, because it seems like too often I don’t get it when I really need it. So I just don’t ask. I either do it myself or pay my handyman.
Yes. This is all good and well. I get it but how do I heal? I have been putting up boundaries with people and practising self love and compassion. Most of society look like they are dysfunctional to me since I have learned so much. I really don’t want to be close to anyone. I see dysfunction wherever I go.
I agree that a) we had to learn that narcissists aren’t dependable but b) that they abuse the fact that you need help. Needing their help gives them total control over us. To avoid that, we do everything ourselves.
I have been the co-narcissist to several narcissists & Dr. Christine you are right on target as to why this happens. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there is no fixing or rescuing some people. It’s a hard lesson for a co-narcissist to learn, but once learned it helps break the cycle of seeking out narcissistic companionship or being “discovered” by a narcissist. I have also found that there’s another side of the “not relying on others, relying on myself” coin. It doesn’t frighten me having to rely on others or to rely on myself. Instead I don’t rely on others because I’ve been disappointed when I have relied on them or put another way, the people I should have been able to depend on (like adults when I was a child) were undependable. Thus whenever I consider relying on someone, sadly I expect to be disappointed. So better to rely on myself unless I really, really, really need to depend on someone else. By relying on myself I’ve learned there is a good side because I have learned how to do a lot of things. How many women can fix a toilet, change a tire, lay tile, put together stuff that comes in a box? I wouldn’t change those learning experiences for anything. So there is an up side to a little more self-reliance. I guess it becomes problematic when one becomes so self-reliant, s/he gives the world the impression that s/he doesn’t ever need anyone’s help. It translated into “I don’t need anybody” and “nothing gets me down”. Who wants that kind of super-human friend?
Rose, this is exactly what happened to me after 40 years. I had a successful career, and many friends. When he divorced me, my ex listed all the things I did “without him”, even shopping with my daughter ( rarely), minding our grandkids ( which he never did with me), and housework (which he never did, despite being at home all day accepting benefits, while I was working – and he was quite capable of working from home ). I didn’t pay him the attention he needed ( in his opinion)
His new wife ( 25 years younger) tells him how awesome he is. She is lovely, but exactly as I was when I first met him – shy, empathic and believing him to be a Knight in shining armour because of his charm.
The criticism and control wore me down, others saw it, but I was oblivious. My career and my children were my Saviours.
He left and took every penny he could, as well as blaming me, and assassinating my character to all who listened.
I feel so sorry for his new wife, as I hear that she is now being treated in the same way, but has no children or career to rescue her.
I am free, surrounded by the love of my family and my dearest friends. It was devastating to be discarded, but I am the strong one, who has learned to accept my mistakes and grow from this. My integrity is intact. My outlook is positive.
I wish you all the best, you are a Survivor!
Until reading When Shame Begets Shame, I read everything I could get my hands on, without finding my Self in this relationship. I have known for quite some time that I am not separate from my marital issues with a sociopathic narcissist. The title of co-narcissist seems to fit rather well, as does all of the other criteria for co-narcissism. I am not an innocent. I am outraged, and desperately need therapy. Thank you for your profound insights.
I grew up in a giving, caring family centered around our Christian faith. I suspect that caring within me is what attracted a narcissist to me. We were married for 37 years, so I must have met some of his bottomless needs. When our second son ( horrors, I had sons instead of daughters, threats to his kingship!) left for college, evidently, though he didn’t say so, my husband expected me to revolve around him. He got very upset that I was finding value in my speaking to women’s groups and in my writing, so he cheated on me and viciously divorced me. Then he spent 5 years trying to “ annul” our marriage through the Catholic Church, and no, neither of us was Catholic, but the new supply he married was. Boy, we’re her eyes dazzled. I hope she realizes what she truly got now, even as I pray for true revelation from God in that man that GOD is Lord and he isn’t. I didn’t fall to the poison of bitterness; I win!
This sounds like my life with my psychopath sistwr, Dian
You described me perfectly-now how to undo / heal/ relearn what we should have gotten in childhood. It is one thing to realize what had happened, another to change the habits. Thankyou!!