BY CHRISTINE LOUIS DE CANONVILLE, MIACP
“Relational Domination Syndrome”: Unmasking the Darker Side of Narcissistic Abuse and Intimate Terrorism
Article Overview: In the area of narcissistic abuse, the concept of coercive control is well-known, but it’s crucial to understand that this behaviour exists on a spectrum.
To address the most extreme end of this spectrum, I’ve introduced the term “Relational Domination Syndrome” (RDS). This concept describes a more severe and pervasive form of control that goes beyond typical patterns of coercive control, often escalating to intimate terrorism.
RDS is characterised by a broad spectrum of controlling behaviours, including psychological, emotional, financial, and physical abuse, creating a power imbalance and significant psychological harm in the victim.
While coercive control is measured across multiple dimensions—including demands, threats, surveillance, and responses to demands—RDS represents the far end of this spectrum, where the level of control and manipulation intensifies dramatically.
As a psychotherapist with extensive experience in this field, I’ve found that RDS provides a framework for understanding and addressing the most intense forms of relational abuse, often seen in intimate narcissistic relationships. It offers a more precise language for discussing these severe cases. The article provides strategies for victims to regain control of their lives. Additionally, it emphasises the importance of seeking help and challenging societal norms that normalise abusive behaviour.
Unveiling Relational Domination Syndrome: A Comprehensive Framework for Understanding Extreme Control in Narcissistic Intimate Relationships
While victims of narcissistic abuse often encounter the term “coercive control,” it’s crucial to understand that this behaviour exists on a spectrum, varying in intensity and frequency. To address the most extreme end of this spectrum, I have coined the term “Relational Domination Syndrome” (RDS) to describe a more severe and pervasive form of control that goes beyond the typical patterns of what is termed “coercive control”. RDS is not just your everyday controlling relationship, it is a whole other level of manipulation and domination that needs to be spoken about.
Coercive control itself is measured across multiple dimensions, including demands, threats, surveillance, and responses to demands. This multi-faceted approach allows for a nuanced understanding of the degree and type of control exerted. Higher scores on these measures indicate a greater amount of coercion, suggesting a continuum of control rather than a binary presence or absence.
Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) represents the far end of this spectrum, where the level of control and manipulation intensifies beyond what is typically seen in most coercive control situations. I think it is fair to say that RDS is like coercive control on steroids. This concept goes deeper into the complexities of narcissistic abuse, offering a more comprehensive understanding of its most severe manifestations often seen in intimate narcissistic relationships.
As a psychotherapist with years of experience working with survivors of narcissistic abuse and coercive control, I’ve observed that existing terminology, while helpful, didn’t fully capture the extreme forms of control and manipulation I was witnessing in the therapy room. RDS aims to fill this gap, providing a framework for understanding and addressing the most intense and pervasive forms of relational abuse.
Throughout this article, I will refer to RDS to highlight instances where narcissistic behaviour escalates beyond typical coercive control, representing the extreme end of the abuse spectrum.
Beyond Physical Violence: Understanding the Insidious Nature of Coercive Control
“Relational Domination Syndrome” is not a recognised clinical term. However, based on my clinical experience, the symptoms described for severe narcissistic abuse, coercive control, and intimate terrorism include:
- Extreme controlling behaviour over all aspects of the victim’s life
- Isolation from family, friends, and support systems
- Financial control and exploitation
- Constant monitoring of the victim’s whereabouts and activities
- Verbal and emotional abuse, including insults, threats, and humiliation
- Physical violence or threats of violence, including against loved ones or pets
- Sexual coercion or abuse
- Gaslighting and manipulation of the victim’s reality
- Instilling fear and creating a sense of entrapment
- Undermining the victim’s self-esteem and sense of agency
- Unpredictable mood swings and explosive anger
- Using the victim’s children (and pets) as a means of control or manipulation
These behaviours create a pattern of abuse that can severely impact the victim’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress symptoms, etc.
The Spectrum of Control: From Coercion to Intimate Terrorism
Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) encompasses all levels of controlling behaviours, painting a comprehensive picture of the power dynamics at play within intimate partnerships. It delves into the intricate web of control tactics employed by one partner to exert dominance over the other.
The syndrome extends from the more widely recognised coercive control to what experts term “intimate terrorism”, where the level of control becomes all-encompassing and severely restrictive. For example, at the lower end of the spectrum, an abuser might engage in excessive texting or calling to monitor their partner’s whereabouts. As the control intensifies, the abuser may escalate to using surveillance apps, spyware, or smart home technology to track and manipulate their victim’s environment.
In extreme cases of intimate terrorism, the abuser may employ a systematic pattern of behaviour that establishes dominance through intimidation, isolation, and terror-inducing violence or threats of violence. This can include restricting the victim’s freedom, isolating them from support systems, and creating financial, logistical, and emotional barriers to escape.
Unpacking Relational Domination Syndrome: The Significance Behind the Terminology
My choice of words in this term is deliberate and meaningful. “Relational” underscores the intimate nature of the bond between the individuals involved, highlighting that this occurs most often within the context of a close personal relationship.
“Domination” aptly captures the essence of the power exertion and control that characterises these interactions. Finally, “Syndrome” implies that this is not a single behaviour but rather a collection of related symptoms or behaviours that form a recognisable and troubling pattern.
I wanted to share this knowledge with you because if you are experiencing this type of abuse in your intimate relationship, it’s vital to recognise what’s happening so that you can begin the journey to safety and healing.
Many of you might be familiar with the term “coercive control.” While coercive control is a significant aspect of abuse, I’ve observed that some narcissists escalate their behaviour far beyond that point. Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) looks deeper into the complexities of narcissistic abuse, offering a more comprehensive understanding of its most severe manifestations often seen in intimate relationships.
It’s not just about controlling every little decision; it’s about systematically dominating another person, using a variety of tactics to gain and maintain complete control.
The Puppet Master and the Puppet
Think of it like this: in Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS), one person becomes the puppet master, and the other becomes the puppet. It’s a psychological takeover where the victim’s entire sense of self and agency is eroded, leaving them feeling powerless and completely under the control of their abuser.
It goes beyond simply influencing choices. It’s about taking over their identity. They no longer know who they are outside of the relationship. This can leave profound psychological scars. The narcissist is pulling the strings, and the victim is left dancing to their tune.
The Spectrum of Control
RDS encompasses a broad spectrum of control tactics. This is not just a few isolated controlling behaviours; it’s a whole system of domination that affects every part of the relationship. These behaviours can manifest in various ways, including:
Psychological abuse: This involves constant put-downs, name-calling, and humiliation. The victim is made to feel worthless, constantly criticised, and belittled.
Emotional abuse and degradation: This is manipulation through guilt-tripping, hot-and-cold behaviour, and emotional blackmail. The victim’s emotions are played with, and their vulnerabilities are exploited.
Financial abuse: This can involve controlling the victim’s access to money, preventing them from working, and denying them financial independence. This ensures the victim is dependent and trapped in the relationship.
Intimidation and threats: This can range from subtle psychological pressure to overt physical menacing, including threats of violence against the victim,
Isolation: The abuser will actively cut the victim off from their friends, family, and support systems, leaving them completely reliant on the abuser.
Gaslighting and reality distortion: The abuser manipulates the victim’s perception of reality, making them doubt their own sanity. They might deny events that happened or twist words around. In some cases, it escalates to physical abuse.
Excessive monitoring and surveillance: Tracking the victim’s whereabouts and movements in real-time using GPS devices or smartphone apps. Monitoring the victim’s internet use, search history, and online activities.
Remotely accessing and controlling contents on the victim’s digital devices. Installing hidden cameras or using spyware to secretly monitor the victim’s activities.
Demanding access to the victim’s passwords for online accounts and social media. Monitoring the victim’s phone calls, texts, and emails. Checking the mileage on the victim’s car or tracking fuel consumption.
Sexual coercion: Pressuring or manipulating a partner into unwanted sexual activities through various tactics. Using guilt, emotional manipulation, or threats to obtain sexual compliance. Employing persistent requests or badgering for sex after refusal. Exploiting a partner’s vulnerabilities or altered state (e.g., intoxicating or drugging) for sexual access.
Threatening to end the relationship, spread rumours, or withhold resources if sexual demands aren’t met. Engaging in sexual acts, (sometimes with other individuals), without enthusiastic consent, even if there’s no explicit refusal.
Undermining self-esteem and autonomy: Constant criticism and belittling remarks about appearance, abilities, or achievements. Using derogatory nicknames or insults disguised as “jokes”.
Public humiliation or embarrassment. Dismissing or trivialising the victim’s feelings, opinions, or accomplishments. Making decisions for the victim without their input or consent. Controlling the victim’s appearance, diet, or daily activities. Withholding affection or emotional support as punishment
Comparing the victim unfavourably to others. Lecturing or talking down to the victim as if they are inferior.
The Destructive Cycle: From Love-Bombing to Discard in Relational Domination Syndrome
Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) often follows a cyclical pattern similar to narcissistic abuse. It begins with idealisation, where the victim is love-bombed and put on a pedestal.
Then comes the devaluation phase, where they are torn down and made to feel worthless. The victim is discarded, often replaced with a new target. Then they may find themselves being “hoovered” back into the relationship with the narcissist making false promises of change. This cycle can be incredibly damaging, leaving the victim confused and disoriented.
This cycle can happen over and over, again and again. For example, a victim might experience a whirlwind romance where their partner showers them with affection, gifts, and promises of a perfect future. This idealisation phase might last weeks or months, creating a strong emotional bond. Suddenly, the partner becomes critical, withholding affection, and may even engage in verbal abuse, causing the victim to doubt their self-worth.
After a particularly intense argument, the abuser might leave or kick the victim out, only to return days or weeks later with apologies and renewed declarations of love. The victim, hoping for a return to the initial “perfect” relationship, accepts them back, and the cycle begins anew. This pattern can repeat numerous times, each iteration further eroding the victim’s self-esteem and ability to recognise healthy relationship dynamics.
How does Relational Domination Syndrome differ from the Lower Level of Coercive Control?
Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) differs from coercive control in several key aspects:
- Scope:RDS encompasses a broader spectrum of controlling behaviours, ranging from subtle power imbalances to extreme forms of abuse, including coercive control. Coercive control, while a significant component, is just one part of the larger RDS framework.
- Progression: RDS emphasises the escalating nature of abusive behaviours in intimate relationships. It recognises that control tactics often start subtly and intensify over time, potentially leading to severe forms of abuse like intimate terrorism.
- Comprehensive Framework:RDS provides a more holistic view of abusive relationships, incorporating various forms of abuse such as psychological, emotional, financial, sexual and physical. Coercive control, while multifaceted, is typically more focused on specific controlling behaviours.
- Psychological Impact:While both concepts address psychological harm, RDS places a stronger emphasis on the cumulative effects of various control tactics on the victim’s mental health, including PTSD and depression.
- Systemic Perspective: RDS considers the broader context of domination systems in society, potentially linking individual relationship dynamics to larger societal structures. For example, in a society where gender inequality is prevalent, men may be conditioned to exert control in their intimate relationships, whilst women may be socialised to be submissive. This societal norm can contribute to the development of coercive and controlling behaviours in individual relationships, as these dynamics are often seen as “normal” or even expected. Understanding this connection helps explain why certain abusive behaviours persist and why victims might struggle to recognise or leave such situations. Coercive control is generally more focused on individual relationship dynamics.
- Legal Implications:Coercive control is recognised as a specific criminal offence in some jurisdictions. RDS, being a newer and broader concept, may not have the same legal standing but could potentially inform future legal frameworks.
- Treatment Approach:Understanding a relationship through the lens of RDS might lead to more comprehensive treatment and support strategies, addressing the full spectrum of abusive behaviours and their impacts.
In essence, while coercive control is a crucial concept in understanding abusive relationships, RDS provides a more expansive framework for examining the full range of dominating behaviours and their effects in intimate partnerships.
The “Cult of One” in the context of abusive relationships
This pattern of control can create what is sometimes referred to as a “cult of one” situation. The victim’s entire world becomes centred around the abuser. They are isolated, and their opinions are consistently overridden or dismissed.
In this dynamic, the victim’s sense of self becomes intertwined with the abuser’s, making it nearly impossible for them to make independent decisions. In such an environment, any questioning of the abuser is met with emotional punishment.
Lady Colin Campbell and the Case of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (the Duke and Duchess of Sussex)
You may have heard of Lady Colin Campbell, the British writer, biographer, and television personality renowned for her work on the British Royal Family. Her analysis of the relationship between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle is legendary, offering an insider’s perspective that has captivated readers and royal watchers alike.
While she didn’t use the term RDS, she described how Meghan appeared to have isolated Harry from his family and former support systems in a way that goes beyond coercive control. She suggested that Meghan controls every aspect of his life, from his daily schedule to public appearances.
Based on Lady Colin Campbell’s description of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, a scenario illustrating what Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) might look like in this case:
Harry finds himself increasingly isolated from his family, friends, and former support systems. Meghan controls every aspect of his life, from his daily schedule to his public appearances. She is likely to monitor his phone calls and social media, deciding who he can communicate with and what he can say. Harry’s opinions and desires are consistently overridden or dismissed.
Meghan manipulates Harry’s perception of reality, convincing him that his family and the media are against them, fostering an “us against the world” mentality. She encourages him to cut ties with anyone who doesn’t align with her narrative.
Harry’s sense of identity becomes so intertwined with Meghan’s that he struggles to make independent decisions or express his thoughts. The relationship dynamic resembles that of a cult leader and follower, where Meghan’s word is absolute and questioning her leads to emotional punishment.
Harry’s behaviour changes dramatically, becoming a shadow of his former self, always deferring to Meghan in public and private. This scenario goes beyond coercive control, creating a “cult of one” situation where the victim’s entire reality is shaped and controlled by the dominating partner…. This is an example of “intimate terrorism” in action.
A “Cult” of One
Campbell used the phrase “cult of one” to describe the couple’s dynamic. This is something I wrote about 10 years ago, in my article: “WELCOME TO CLOUD CUCKOO LAND: Life with a Narcissist: Their Own Personal Mini-Cult”. In that article, I say: –
To live in Cloud Cuckoo Land with a narcissist is akin to living in a Cult. Both
Narcissists and Cults use psychological techniques such as mind control, brainwashing, thought reform, and mental manipulation to change the victim’s belief and value systems to gain control.
The longer a victim is exposed to their narcissistic relationship, the more depleted they become, making it harder for them to extract themselves from the relationship.
The Gisèle Pelicot V’s Dominique Pelicot case in France starkly illustrates Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS).
Gisèle’s ex-husband, Dominique, exhibited extreme controlling behaviours characteristic of RDS by drugging and orchestrating her repeated sexual assaults over a decade. This abuse exemplified complete domination, eroded Gisèle’s sense of self, and created a “cult of one” dynamic within her home, where Dominique’s desires were paramount.
The case highlights how RDS can escalate into severe, prolonged abuse, with lasting impacts on the victim. Gisèle’s decision to waive anonymity during the high-profile trial underscores the profound effects of this abuse, while also bringing attention to this extreme form of relational domination.
Lady Colin Campbell and I are conveying how the behaviours of narcissistic abuse and coercive control can escalate to the point where one partner holds complete dominance, creating an “us against the world” mentality where the victim is completely reliant on their abuser.
It’s important to remember we’re looking at Lady Campbell’s interpretation of a public relationship (the Duke and Duchess of Sussex) therefore, we cannot make any diagnosis of the couple. However, these observations we are making resonate with many couples and serve as an example of the patterns of control we see in RDS. It’s a crucial reminder that RDS can affect anyone (male or female), regardless of their status or background.
The Impact of Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) on the Victim’s Mental Health
The effects of RDS on mental health can be profound and long-lasting7. Victims often experience:
- Anxiety and depression due to constant stress and emotional distress.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the ongoing trauma.
- Low self-esteem from the constant undermining and manipulation.
- Chronic stress from living in a state of constant fear.
- Social isolation due to being cut off from their support systems.
- Suicidal thoughts and self-harm as a consequence of the emotional toll of RDS.
Victims may also develop Complex PTSD (cPTSD), as the patterns of terror and entrapment in RDS are very similar. Living under these conditions can impair an individual’s ability to regulate emotions and maintain healthy relationships.
The psychological impact of RDS is often severe and can persist long after the relationship ends, highlighting the need for comprehensive, trauma-informed mental health support for survivors.
Distinguishing Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) from Coercive Control
RDS provides a more comprehensive framework for understanding the full range of domination in relationships. While RDS builds upon the concept of coercive control, it goes a lot further.
RDS is a broader framework that encompasses the full spectrum of abusive behaviours, whereas coercive control is more focused on specific controlling tactics. RDS highlights the escalating nature of control (i.e., exploitation, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.) showing how it progresses from subtle manipulation to severe abuse. It also emphasises the psychological tactics used to maintain dominance.
Impact on Relationship Dynamics
- Creates a significant power imbalance
- Erodes trust and intimacy over time
- May lead to a trauma bond between partners
- Can result in the victim feeling trapped and unable to leave the relationship
Understanding these manifestations is crucial for identifying and addressing RDS in romantic relationships. It’s important to note that these behaviours are not healthy or normal, and professional help may be needed to address them.
Recognising the Signs of Relational Domination Syndrome
If you’re questioning whether you might be experiencing RDS, there are key signs to look out for:
- You feel constantly criticised and belittled.
- You are isolated from friends and family.
- You doubt your perceptions and sanity due to gaslighting.
- You feel controlled in your decisions and actions.
- Your opinions and desires are constantly dismissed.
- You are afraid of your partner’s reactions, constantly walking on eggshells.
- You feel a complete loss of your sense of self.
- You are experiencing intense anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
- Your partner’s behaviour has become more intense and pervasive over time.
Are there any famous cases involving Relational Domination Syndrome?
While the term “Relational Domination Syndrome” (RDS) is not yet an established clinical or legal concept, there are several famous cases involving patterns of behaviour that could be considered examples of RDS, particularly in the context of battered woman syndrome and domestic violence.
These cases illustrate how prolonged abuse and control can sometimes lead victims to fight back against their abusers. Some notable cases include:
- Case of R v Ahluwalia (1992):Kiranjit Ahluwalia set fire to her abusive husband’s bed after enduring years of domestic violence. This case was instrumental in recognising battered woman syndrome in the UK legal system. The Canadian Supreme Court case set a precedent for the use of the “battered woman defence.”
- Case of R v Thornton (No 2) (1996):Another landmark UK case where fresh evidence of the defendant’s personality disorder led to a retrial, highlighting the complex psychological aspects of abusive relationships.
- Case of Angelina Napolitano (1911):In Canada, Napolitano killed her abusive husband after he attempted to force her into prostitution. This was one of the first cases to use what would later be called the battered woman defence.
- Case of Weiand v. State (1999):A landmark Florida Supreme Court case that allowed citizens to use battered spouse syndrome as a defence for killing their abuser.
- The Sally Challen case (UK, 2019):Sally Challen was convicted of murdering her husband in 2011 but had her conviction overturned in 2019 after new evidence of coercive control was presented. This case highlighted the long-term psychological impact of controlling behaviour in relationships.
- The Francine Hughes case (USA, 1977):Hughes set fire to her abusive husband while he slept, after enduring years of physical and emotional abuse. Her case, which resulted in acquittal because of temporary insanity, brought national attention to domestic violence issues.
While the cases mentioned primarily focus on female victims, there are also notable examples of male victims experiencing severe patterns of abuse that could be considered examples of Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS). Here are some examples to add to the text:
- The Alex Skeel case (UK, 2018):Alex Skeel suffered years of physical and psychological abuse from his girlfriend, Jordan Worth. She controlled his food intake, isolated him from friends and family, and inflicted severe physical injuries. This case highlighted the reality of male victims of coercive control. She was the first person to be imprisoned for coercive control in England.
- The Simon Meakin case (UK, 2019):Meakin endured years of abuse from his wife, including financial control, isolation from friends and family, and false allegations. His case brought attention to the challenges male victims face in being believed and seeking help.
- The Kenny Sansom case (UK, 2015):The former England footballer revealed he had been a victim of domestic abuse, including coercive control, by his partner. His story highlighted how even high-profile men can be victims of abuse.
- The Paul Nungesser case (USA, 2015):While not a domestic abuse case, this high-profile Columbia University incident highlighted how false allegations can be used as a form of abuse and control against men.
These cases demonstrate that men can also be victims of severe patterns of abuse and control. Research shows that male victims experience persistent and severe patterns of coercive control similar to those experienced by female victims.
They often face unique challenges, such as the exploitation of their relationship with their children to maintain control, both during the relationship and post-separation. Additionally, false allegations or threats of such allegations to police and social services are experienced by almost two-thirds of male victims.
It’s important to note that male victims often face additional barriers in seeking help and being believed. They may encounter scepticism from law enforcement and support services, and societal misconceptions about male victimisation can further complicate their situations.
These cases and research findings underscore the need for greater awareness and support for male victims of domestic abuse and coercive control.
All these cases demonstrate the legal system’s evolving understanding of the complex dynamics in abusive relationships, which aligns with the concept of Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS). They highlight the psychological impact of prolonged abuse and the need for a more comprehensive approach to understanding and addressing domestic violence in legal contexts, both male and female.
It’s important to note that while these cases involve elements that could be considered part of RDS, the term itself is not yet used in legal or clinical settings. As research in this area continues to evolve, future cases may explicitly reference RDS or similar comprehensive frameworks for understanding patterns of dominance and control in intimate relationships.
Taking Back Your Power
Recognising that you are in an RDS relationship is the first step to reclaiming your life. It is a courageous and powerful step. It can be incredibly difficult to break free, but it is not impossible. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Set clear boundaries: Determine what you will and will not tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly, and be prepared to stick to them.
- Prioritise self-care: Reconnect with yourself and do things that bring you joy. Rebuild your sense of self and understand that your worth is not determined by your partner’s approval.
- Seek therapy: A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. They can help you understand the dynamics of the relationship and create a path to healing.
- Progression: RDS emphasises the escalating nature of abusive behaviours in intimate relationships. It recognises that control tactics often start subtly and intensify over time, potentially leading to severe forms of abuse like intimate terrorism.
- Call out manipulation: Recognise when you are being gaslighted and call it out Say things like, “I know that’s not what happened” or “I’m not going to rewrite history.”
- Use the ‘yes, now’ framework (when safe to do so):Validate their feelings without agreeing, then bring the conversation back on track, for example,
o “Yes, I understand that you see it that way, now can we get back to the real issue we need to discuss?”.
o “Yes, I can see that you’re upset about the dishes not being done, now can we discuss the issue of your constant criticism?”
o “Yes, I understand you feel that way about my family, now can we address the problem of you isolating me from them?”
o “Yes, I hear that you think I’m overreacting, now can we talk about why I feel unsafe when you raise your voice?”
This framework allows you to acknowledge the other person’s perspective without accepting blame or getting sidetracked. It helps maintain focus on the core issues while demonstrating that you’re listening, which can potentially reduce defensiveness in your partner. Remember, the goal is to address important concerns, not to win an argument or prove a point.
- Focus on what you can influence: Instead of trying to control everything, concentrate on aspects of the situation you can actually influence.
- Seek support: Connect with open-minded and caring individuals who are genuinely concerned about your well-being. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups that understand what you are going through.
- Use strategic communication: In conversations with your partner, stay focused on the issue at hand and avoid being derailed by manipulation tactics. Use the “bring it back” mantra to refocus the discussion. The “bring it back” technique works like this:
When your partner attempts to derail the conversation, change the subject, or use manipulation tactics, you calmly but firmly redirect the discussion back to the original topic. For example:
State your intention: “I’d like to finish discussing the issue we started with.”
Acknowledge, then redirect: “I understand you want to talk about X, but right now we need to address Y.”
Use a neutral phrase: “Let’s bring it back to the main point we were discussing.”
Repeat your original statement or question: “As I was saying earlier…”
Set a boundary: “I’m not comfortable moving on until we’ve resolved this issue.”
This technique helps maintain focus on important topics, prevents gaslighting or topic-switching, and allows you to assert control over the conversation. It’s a powerful tool for maintaining your autonomy and ensuring your concerns are addressed in discussions with a manipulative partner.
- Understand when to walk away: If you are constantly walking on eggshells, feeling anxious, and your boundaries are being repeatedly ignored, it might be time to leave. If you are in danger, your safety is paramount. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected, valued, and safe.
Remember, You Are Not Alone
Relational Domination Syndrome (RDS) can leave deep psychological scars, and the healing process can be long and challenging. However, it is possible to heal and move forward. It is essential to know that you are not alone and that there is help available.
Many organisations (Woman’s Aid, Men’s Aid, the police service) offer support for victims of domestic abuse, including counselling, legal advice, and safe housing options.
Challenging Cultural Norms
It’s also important to recognise how cultural norms can contribute to these harmful patterns. Society often romanticises possessiveness and jealousy, which can normalise controlling behaviour. We must challenge these norms and promote healthy relationships based on respect, equality, and healthy communication.
Relational Domination Syndrome Goes Beyond Romantic Relationships
While we often see RDS in romantic relationships, it can also be present in friendships, family relationships, and even at work. Any relationship with a significant power imbalance can be a breeding ground for this type of domination.
The Journey to Healing
I hope this information has been helpful. If you recognise any of these signs in your relationship, please know that you are not alone, and you do not deserve to be treated this way. Reaching out for help can be incredibly daunting, but it’s the bravest thing you can do. It’s time to start on a journey to rediscover yourself and regain your autonomy. You deserve a life free from domination, a life where you feel safe, respected, and loved. Together, we can challenge these harmful patterns and create a world where everyone has the chance to thrive in healthy, respectful relationships.
If you need more support, please reach out to other survivors on Narcissistic Abuse Forums and use the resources provided on other websites as well as mine. Find yourself a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and coercive control if you can. There is hope, and there is help.
REFERENCES
- Amelia Gentleman (2024). ‘But he didn’t hit you, did he?’: inside the coercive control courtroom. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/23/but-he-didnt-hit-you-did-he-inside-the-coercive-control-courtroom
- Gillette, Hope (2023). Article: Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control. https://psychcentral.com/health/coercive-control
- Gravelin, C. R., Biernat, M., & Bucher, C. E. (2019). Blaming the Victim of Acquaintance Rape: Individual, Situational, and Sociocultural Factors. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 2422. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02422. Retrieved February 4, 2025, from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6291212/
- Karakurt, G., & Cumbie, T. (2012). The relationship between egalitarianism, dominance, and violence in intimate relationships. Journal of Family Violence, 27(2), 115-122. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-011-9408-y
- Katz, S. (2022). Coercive Control Legislation: Using the Tort System to Empower Survivors of Domestic Violence. California Law Review, 110(2). https://www.californialawreview.org/print/coercive-control-legislation
- Lewandowski, C. (2018). What Does the Research Tell Us About Abusive Relationships? School of Government, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Retrieved February 4, 2025, from https://www.sog.unc.edu/sites/www.sog.unc.edu/files/Lewandowski_What%20Does%20the%20Research%20tell%20us.pdf
- Louis de Canonville, C. (2019). What is Coercive Control? Narcissistic Behavior. Retrieved February 4, 2025, from https://narcissisticbehavior.net/coercive-control/
- Mental Health Center. (n.d.). Personality Disorders: Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators & Users in Relationships. Retrieved February 4, 2025, from https://mentalhealthcenter.com/personality-disorders-controllers-abusers-manipulators-users-relationships/
- Scott, Ayesha, (2024), Financial forms of family violence affect 1 in 7 New Zealanders – but the law is lagging. https://theconversation.com/financial-forms-of-family-violence-affect-1-in-7-new-zealanders-but-the-law-is-lagging-243466
- Susanne Lohmann, Sean Cowlishaw, Luke Ney, Meaghan O’Donnell, Kim Felmingham. (2023). The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10666508/
- Woman’s Aid. (2025) What is coercive control? https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Thanks Christine for remembering us guys who can suffer mistreatment behind closed doors yet have learned the futility of telling our story to others. Thanks also for those great strategies!