Because the narcissist (perpetrator) does not trust that they will get the love and attention they want, they grow to trust that they must take whatever they can, whenever they can.
This way of being becomes their favourite addiction, the addiction to their own selfish “self” (Selfism).
So, at every opportunity, they set out to grab narcissistic supply wherever they can find it, and in effect, they become consummate “takers”. The victim, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. They learn to trust that by taking care of other people’s needs, and by being nice, they will be safe.
So, here we have a coupledom made in heaven, one is addicted to “taking” (a form of pathological kleptomania), while the other is addicted to giving (a form of pathological altruism).
But unfortunately, things are more complicated than that for them both.
Rather than being on the road to heaven, they end up on the road to hell, where they are likely to end up eventually hating each other.
The Pathological Narcissistic as a Spouse:
When in a romantic relationship, or a marriage, there will always be a struggle for power between the narcissistic partner (perpetrator) and their victim partner. Regardless of whether they are male or female, this is always the case.
Always, the Lion’s share of the power will remain with the narcissist. This can be witnessed in many ways.
For example, because the narcissistic can never be wrong, and will never take responsibility or be held accountable for anything that goes wrong, inevitably the victim will always get the blame.
Because the narcissist sees themselves as superior to everybody, they deem their victim partner to be inferior, therefore not worthy of an opinion or getting their needs met.
With getting little or no empathy, and with the constant put-downs, the victim partner will eventually feel pathetic, and internalise that they are “not good enough”, and surrender themselves to relinquishing most of the power.
From the moment, the narcissistic (perpetrator) sets eyes on the victim, they consider them to be objects that are theirs alone.
They immediately begin the convoluted dance, and the love-bombing manipulation gets underway. It is as if the victim is possessed, and the boundaries of where one begins and ends just melts away with the intensity of the “idealisation stage”, and with it too, their personal identity.
This idealisation stage is an exciting time for both partners of the dance, both enraptured with each other.
However, one of the couples knows exactly what is happening, while the other is totally oblivious to the dangerous predicament they are in.
Like the fly that enters the spider’s web, the narcissist slowly wraps their soft silk around the victim, entangling them, and binding them into a cocoon that holds them tight until they are ready to consume their precious commodity.
From the beginning, the narcissist takes the power.
Whatever the victim owns is destined to become theirs; their time, their friends, their knowledge, their possessions, their finances, etc.
The narcissist’s sense of entitlement knows no bounds, and soon their prey will be stripped of everything they own, including their dignity, self-esteem, liberty, and finally, their identity.
The victim is reduced to be an object whose main task is to feed the narcissist’s insatiable ego, failure to achieve this end goal will cause a narcissist wound, and the narcissist will feel like the victim.
When this happens, they will then feel entitled to hurt the person who caused this wound. When the cracks begin to show in the relationship, the narcissist shows no accountability or responsibility; therefore, it will be the victim that will get the blame for everything.
Nothing is ever the narcissist’s fault, and you must never challenge them, or you will pay a high price. What is yours is theirs, but what is theirs is their own; finance, property, personal possessions, etc.
The spotlight is always theirs, so tread lightly, because even if you accidentally upstage them, you will provoke their rage. The victim is expected to give and fawn over their narcissist, but they will not have that kindness reciprocated
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
I know I thought my love for my husband would mend his heart, his childhood hurts, his lack of mothering. Well no I am the perfect partner for him according to this article, but I want to walk after 46 years together. I am realizing that he is NEVER going to care about me like I care about him. When I am so distraught and cannot eat he will cook a full dinner and eat it himself. He isn’t really that upset is he? His brain isn’t working that well anymore, it’s his drinking and it’s coming back to haunt him. He told me months ago we owed no taxes and filed for an extension. Today was the deadline to file, (he has always done our taxes while I handled the bill paying. He is a terrible procrastinator.) we owe $1,500. So his big brain made a big mistake.
The comments our friends made when we were young kept me here. They said I couldn’t ever leave him as he needed me so badly. I am the people pleaser. With this guilt trip I have lived my entire life. I want out so badly but I am so afraid of the future. Where will I live? I have never lived alone before. I haven’t had sex with anyone else. I haven’t even properly dated or been courted, I dug him up in high school when all was fun and games and stayed out of loyalty. He separated me from my family, we are alienated completely, as is our son, whom I haven’t seen for 8 years and who told me I should leave him. What did he know. He was a drug abuser and who believes them? My son emotionally tortured from birth by this man who was his father. While he was also torturing me. It leaves no visible marks so how can it be a problem?
This latest writing comes after a very bad day. It’s like a message from the prophet. I feel paralyzed. Sick to my stomach while he just walked into the kitchen to cook a pot roast for dinner. Oh I should be so grateful I have a husband who cooks and the sex is really nice. I never have climaxed so what have I got it to compare with anyway.? Maybe it’s just been very prevalent. This is so sad. I can’t imagine what a decent relationship must be like. To trust someone else? I find that pretty hard right now. I’m as bad as my narcissistic husband. At least I am not the taker but I fear I would be taken advantage of so I fear any change. I would have to become a lonely, alone old woman at the mercy of repairmen who rip women off and that has been something I really have been lucky not to worry about. But right now I think he’s really losing it. After all of the abuse, the last two years trying to get him to realize that drinking at the rate he does will damage his brain, he should stop, I have. Too many ulcers.
What does one make of all of this?
Another of Christine’s home-runs here.
After my mother died, my father fell victim to a narcissistic woman’s web. This woman envied my mother for decades to the extent of even dying her hair the same color as my mother’s. She insulted her at every opportunity while she made advances toward my father. This went on for decades until alas, I believe she was what helped put my mother in her early grave.
Everything Christine writes here could be about the saga of how my father sold his soul to this Satan — who was and perhaps still is the “church” secretary, mind you —- and he completely lost his mind and wholesaled his integrity, honor, and family for a cheap piece of meat who also just so happened to STILL BE MARRIED.
Yes, my father is a narcissist and evil, but he is no contest for this bride of Satan who mops the floor with him. He has given her my mother’s beautiful antique jewelry and over the past few years, the small fortune my mother left behind seems to have disappeared as now he claims he has to borrow money to get by.
The saving grace is, since this woman “couldn’t wait” for her husband to die, most likely she can’t wait for my father to die, either. Hopefully sooner than later he will come to his senses. Otherwise, he will die a ruined, lonely old man. He may be well on his way now.
There is no reasoning with someone who has sold out to a devil narcissist. The relationship has to run its course until hopefully it can end in a way that is not violent or even worse, tragic.
I can not believe what I have witnessed my father turn into since he took up with this woman. He knew she was still married. His wife (my mother) had died only a short while before. It was more important for him to figure out how to be a husband to a married woman than to be a father to his daughters who had just lost their mother.
When I told him he has sold his soul to the devil he said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He gets what he deserves. The tragedy is that everything my dear mother worked so hard to achieve during her short life (she was only 75 when she died) together with my father, he has wholesaled for his narcissist church secretary who every man in town avoided like the plague….except my old man.
I have endured much heartbreak in my life, especially the abuse of my narcissistic father, but to witness his blatant disrespect of his deceased wife, his daughters, and his entire family, is often for me a cross heavier than I am able to continue to carry. My father now lives in the homestead that was built with King’s Grant in the 1700s. The property only left our family ONCE in three hundred years and because of my mother’s interest in antique houses, they were able to buy it back. He couldn’t care less. It was more important when my grandmother died at 105 for him to have a married woman sitting at his side than to let his daughter know that her grandmother had died. He never invited me to her memorial service. It was only through the intervention of an aunt who made up a story to have an invitation sent me via distant cousins that I learned of it all. Ironically, this woman’s husband died the same day as my grandmother so HIS obituary was listed right below my grandmother’s in the newspaper, same page, same day. And she made sure in her husband’s obituary that SHE was named as his wife. Nothing like mopping the floor with my father. But, he says, she is “one of the nicest people he has ever met.”
As much of a horribly abusive narcissist as my father is (he’s 88 now) there are good things about him. I’ve tried to make peace with him before one or the other of us goes. I haven’t seen or heard from my only sister or her daughter for several years, because I would not condone my father taking up with a married woman who he just so happened to begin an affair with LONG before my mother died. Yes, the church secretary, the narcissists who embed themselves in the pews of our churches while blaspheming the Lord. May Jezebel be eaten by the dogs.
This world is full of the Jezebel spirit of narcissism. They wear white suits but they forgot their pointed caps. Yes, Dear God, may every Jezebel be eaten by the dogs.
I meant to say PHILLIP, not Victor. If that isn’t a subconscious slip!!! My husband’s name is Phillip. We were married for 37 years. He no longer lives with me, but he was one of the slickest narcissists ever!!
To the above comment by Victor, I’m not sure two narcissists would ever end up together!
As usual, a WONDERFUL article! Thank you! Virginie, a fan from France. 🙂
Christine, I am at the final stages of getting my husband out of the house…I think. He had agreed to stay until the lease has expired 1st if April but I think he has secured a place to stay now. And we are going through sharing of the house hold items. HE is slowly acting like the victim. Talking with church official and co worker/supervisors…teary eyed and acting very hurt. HE is quoting what I said to him…”I got to get away from you”…and he says this has hurt him very deeply…again teary eyed. I’m will today contact our creditors and make arrangement for my part of the bills if any. My primary doctor help me find a psychotheraptist and her name is Gina Greatens here in Green Bay…my appt is the 13 of this month…We have chatted back and forth via email and I am looking forward to starting therapy…Right now I am feeling depressed, afraid but still yearning for my husband. He has started up a few conversations with me to pull me back into the dance but I have had the power to not reply…even though my heart is breaking.I want to thank you again for you books, articles and workshops on the subject…It has given me the insight on what has been going on in my life for over 10 years…and how to remove myself from this life…Again thank you Frederica
My ex bf became horribly enraged at me on the way home from hospital (I had been take in by ambulance because of a dramatic allergic reaction to a wasp sting) . I had obviously upstaged him! I left him for good a week later. Absolute nightmare. Keep up the good work Christine.
I wonder how this pans out in a relationship between two Narcissists. I imagine one (the more disordered one) will still try to be top dog. After all….power, control, and dominance is a central theme.