They might charm you with excessive compliments or shower you with gifts early on. This “love bombing” isn’t genuine affection; it’s a calculated move, a performance, designed to win your devotion quickly. It’s their insecure “Ghost” (thoughts and feelings) using their charming “Machine” (behaviour/actions) to get what it wants.

As time goes on, the narcissist’s “Machine” might shift gears. They could start controlling your actions, telling you who to see or what to wear. They might use gaslighting tactics, denying things they’ve said or done to make you question your own memory. All of these behaviours stem from their “Ghost” (thoughts and feelings) – the underlying need to maintain control and constantly feed their ego. It is like the “Ghost” secretly dictates how the “Machine” acts!

Now, Let’s Look at The Victim’s Side:

At first, the victim’s “Ghost” might be filled with hope and excitement. For example, they might envision a future filled with love, understanding, and shared dreams, believing they’ve finally found their “soul-mate” – someone who truly sees and appreciates them. However, as the narcissist’s true nature emerges, the victim’s “Ghost” begins to change. Self-doubt creeps in. They start to question their own worth and sanity.

The victim’s “Ghost” becomes a confusing mix of longing for the initial “perfect” relationship and increasing fear of the narcissist’s unpredictable behaviour. Their inner world, once full of hope, becomes clouded by confusion and anxiety.

The victim’s “Machine” (their behaviour) adapts to survive. They might tread carefully, gingerly walking on eggshells, always trying to avoid upsetting the narcissist. They could isolate themselves from friends and family to prevent arguments. They might apologise constantly, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. These behaviours are driven by their “Ghost” (their thoughts and feelings) – the need to feel safe and regain the narcissist’s approval. It’s like the victim’s “Machine” (their behaviour) is running on a program of self-preservation and conflict avoidance, all dictated by their fearful, confused “Ghost”.

Understanding this “Ghost in the Machine” dynamic is crucial. It helps explain why a narcissist’s actions often don’t match their words, and why victims might stay in harmful relationships.

For the narcissist, their “Ghost” drives their need for control and admiration, while their “Machine” (behaviour) manipulates to achieve these goals. For example, they might publicly apologise for an outburst of anger at seeing what their partner was wearing, showering their partner with affection and promises of change (the “Machine”), while secretly blaming them for provoking the incident and plotting ways to further isolate them from their friends and family (their “Ghost”). This manipulative apology hides the underlying lack of remorse and intention to continue controlling and abusing their partner. The “Ghost” is pulling the strings of the “Machine” to maintain control.

For the victim, their “Ghost” becomes a place of confusion and self-doubt, with thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unlovable”. Meanwhile their “Machine” (behaviours) desperately works to survive and avoid conflict. For instance, after being constantly criticised for their appearance, the victim might spend hours getting ready, meticulously trying to meet the narcissist’s (often unspoken) standards of beauty, desperately hoping to avoid further put-downs and regain a fleeting sense of approval.

Their “Ghost” is screaming with insecurity, and their “Machine” is working overtime to try and quiet it, but it’s a losing battle.

Recognising these patterns can be the first step towards healing. It allows victims to see that the problem isn’t their fault, but rather the result of the narcissist’s harmful “Ghost” driving their “Machine.” Think of it as seeing behind the curtain to understand the real show that’s playing out. With this understanding, victims can begin to rebuild their own healthy “Ghost” and align it with a “Machine” that prioritises their well-being and happiness. It’s about taking back control of your own stage.

Example Of Rebuilding a Healthy “Ghost” (Thinking and Feeling):

Instead of automatically blaming themselves when the narcissist is angry or critical, the victim starts to recognise that the narcissist’s behaviour is about their own internal needs and insecurities (their “Ghost”). They begin to challenge the negative self-beliefs instilled by the abuse (such as “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unlovable”). They actively work on building self-compassion and self-acceptance, reminding themselves of their strengths and accomplishments. This shifts their “Ghost” from a place of self-doubt and blame to one of self-awareness and self-worth. For example, they may start journaling to challenge the negative self-talk instilled by the narcissist, or start seeing a therapist to develop a stronger sense of self. They are rewriting the script of their own inner world.

Example of Aligning the “Machine” (Behaviour) with Well-being:

Instead of constantly trying to please the narcissist and walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, the victim starts setting healthy boundaries. They learn to say “no” to unreasonable demands and to assert their needs and preferences. They start prioritising their own well-being by engaging in activities that bring them joy and relaxation, even if the narcissist disapproves. This shifts their “Machine” from a mode of survival and appeasement to one of self-care and assertiveness.

For example, they may start attending a yoga class, spending time with supportive friends, or seeking legal advice to explore their options for leaving the abusive relationship. They are taking actions aligned with their new sense of self-worth.

In essence, both examples illustrate the victim’s shift from reactive, survival-based responses (driven by a damaged “Ghost”) to proactive, self-affirming behaviours (driven by a healthier “Ghost”) that prioritise the victim’s well-being and happiness. The goal is to get the “Ghost” and “Machine” working together for a better future.