For narcissist’s, failing is not an option as failure creates shame outcomes that are intolerable for the pathological narcissist to handle. Indeed, many of the unconscious defences associated with narcissism are developed with the express outcome of warding off their shame reactions (i.e. features such as grandiosity, the need for excessive admiration, low interpersonal empathy, exploitativeness, entitlement, envy, control, etc.).
Their protected “selfism” guarantees that they evaluate most situations in terms of what they will gain from any exchange, and it is of absolutely no concern to them what others get from the relationship. Splitting is another great defence and is characterised by the narcissists “black and white thinking”. For them, things are either “all good” or “all bad”, there is no in between.
You are either with the narcissist or against them. When they perceive that you are with them, you are likely to be idealised, for a while at least. However, if they perceive that you are against them, this is likely to trigger their shame, and you will then be devalued. Splitting gives the pathological narcissist the ability to switch their emotions in the blink of an eye, depending on what way the narcissist processes what is happening at any given moment.
While you stroke them, the narcissist will reward you, and when you shame them they will punish you. Unfortunately, the narcissist’s constant fluctuating states of “splitting” tends to chip away at the victim’s confidence. This, in turn, affects their level of self-consciousness and self-esteem badly, triggering their own vulnerability to shame.
Narcissists are masters at projecting their shame at their victims, this is one of the ways that the narcissist’s “shame begets shame” in their victims. I would like to take a moment to explain the difference between projection and projective identification.
Projection is when the narcissist (perpetrator) experiences unacceptable thoughts or feelings (the disliked parts of themselves, or their unresolved shameful needs), they either repress these feelings by pushing them into their unconscious mind, or they project them outward onto their victim.
They would then treat the victim as if they are the one with the unacceptable characteristics and treat them as if they were flawed. So, for example, as the narcissist cannot admit to making a personal mistake, they will project their error outward onto their victim. However, the concept of projective identification is an entirely different matter. This is when the narcissist projects their undesired aspect of self onto their victim, and the victim swallows it whole (introjection).
The victim then incorporates the projection, identifies with it in some way, and either reacts or acts accordingly. For example, if the narcissist is feeling excessive anger, they will then project that anger onto the victim without them realising it. The narcissist then goes on to manipulate the projected anger until it is brought alive in the victim for them to act it out.
Although the narcissist has managed to get rid of the anger out of their system, they do not let it go. They stay in touch with it, manipulating the victim into a frenzy. For example, the narcissist may be bad mouthing the neighbour’s cat. They project that anger of the cat out onto the victim, who then identifies with the anger. The anger gets intensified, and the victim finds themselves going next door to complain about the cat. Only five minutes earlier they were not one bit angry at the cat or the neighbour, but now they are so enraged that they must deal with the problem head-on. In effect, the narcissist manipulated the victim into taking action they originally did not feel a need to make.
When doing recovery work with victims, it is useful for the clinician to look at why they received the narcissist’s projections so readily. There could have been several reasons why it happened, and may still be operating to-day, so this is where a little introspection may be needed. For example, it could be that the victim may have a need to build up their healthy narcissism to better levels where they are less shy and can speak up for themselves.
Also, there is a high chance that they did not even realise what was happening to them on a conscious level because they had learned (or were conditioned) to automatically comply. However, it may also be a “red flag” warning that signals that the victim’s boundaries need attention. It is highly likely that their boundaries are too weak or ill-defined, and in some way, this may be contributing to their vulnerability to accept these unwanted projections. Healthy strong ego boundaries help to insulate against such projections, both consciously and unconsciously.
It will be advisable also to look at the acceptance of those projective identifications so that the individual can put in place new strategies to block them. It is also useful to take a deeper look at how the victim’s behaviour changes when around the narcissist and their projections, and consider how it affects their anger, creativity, spontaneity, etc. The damage done can affect the victim quite acutely. However, it is important for them not to get into self-blaming, but
accept one’s limitations, and get some understanding of both projections and projective identification. That way the victim can learn how to take back their power and moderate the impact of these unconscious processes with all ultimate narcissists.
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
I have just found your detailed work and find it the best I have ever read. I am two years away from a very disturbed man. I was married for 30 years and was in so much denial. I have been in therapy for 9 years now, I have the best support system in the world. I thank god every day I was able to get out. My ex husband has numerous personality disorders. NPD to me leads the pack. I found you on sanctuary for the abused and have been moved ever since. I went to my therapist last night and we read it together she loved it. It was like reading about my life . I fight every day to get out of bed and go to work. I have PTSD I go to acupuncture,massage therapy and my therapist 4 to 5 days a week. I WORK HARD I do not want to be a victim any longer Thank you for all your hard painful work
Dear Eileen,
Because our political landscape is largely freighted by narcissism, it seems Christine felt my post was relevant.
Brainwashing is the result of coerced indoctrination to force someone to sacrifice religious, political, and moral ideals to accept radical ideas that contradict morality. This is why the Electoral College was a stroke of genius by our Founding Fathers.
God bless you,
Sally
My Father was a narcissist and I was his scapegoat. He is now deceased and I am trying to recover. I pray for my true freedom.
I was conditioned and it took me 40 years to see this. It is awful.
for 40 years i felt no real connection with anyone i was told from doctors i never would because of my disability from my brain injury but that all changed when my ex narc came into my life i was love bombed into real love for the first time in my life and i was so happy i believed i was in heaven on earth but that changed after a few months the mask fell and my narc became the most evil thing ever born he tried to drown me and bashed me many times and even talked about other people he had done in but the horror at the time i just took it all it was like i was under a higher power with no control i lost friends and family members because i was isolated to be alone with my narc by his doing anyways 10 months down the track he cheated and walked out moved straight in with his new victim a girl this time they stayed together for 14 months then one day he walked in on her and she had another guy in the bed imagine what this did to my narc he came running back to me after i had been in hell for over a year and nearly over him and he comes back i was loved bombed again but this time it didnt last long he left his facebook account on and i went on it only to find 10 different people he was telling them they were the love of his life the only one for him he even swore on his dead mothers grave he left 8 months ago and im sure he has other victims now but im left in a seclused state of depression because he made me feel real love for the first time i use to be ok on my own before him but now knowing true love and losing it i have just secluded myself off from the world because his love was never love just a mask
Oh my goodness, you are speaking of my ex husband in all the articles. We were married for 25 years and he exhibited all the narcissist qualities and I was terribly terribly confused. I researched narcissist, examined my family and me and his family and he and read and wrote and wrote and wrote and after two years I felt better. This web site helps me more. A few months after he filed for divorce he told me we will be friends after we divorced. I disagreed and he said you’ll see. Four months after the divorce he began pursuing me with provocative emails, argumentative phone calls, and lurking in the dark waiting for me to come home. He was already in a relationship. When I refused to see him to persuade me of his sincerity he would drive to my house in the middle of the night to punish with flat tires and destroy my property. Twice he gave me flat tires in store’s parking lots, once in a snow storm. He is a victim player. He wanted me to call him up and tell him not to give me flat tires so he could insult me and start a fight then tell people his crazy ex wife was calling him up and accusing him and fighting with him. I considered flat tires and destroyed property as the price of freedom. I said nothing, I called AAA, I did not answer his emails, blocked his phone numbers, and sent him a letter telling him not to come to my house – legally he could not come to my house after that letter. Since he couldn’t get a rise out of me he gave up after five years. Not to upset my adult children I treat him impeccably cordially at all family functions. I greet him with a warm hug, spend a few moments with small talk even flattering him and then move as far away from him as possible. I reverse the process when leaving. He began accidentally kissing me on the mouth. Of course I could ask him not to but you know he would not and just make it into an issue. I now give him a friendly wave hello and goodbye from a distance. He is really a twisted crippled man. These articles are a blessing to find.
I have certainly experienced Projective Identification many times. I have also avoided being manipulated into Projective Identification and incurred his rage which I was always confused about so thank you for giving a definition to this behavior.
I have wondered how much empathy vs poor boundaries plays a role in receiving the Projective Identification. I have usually always recognized that he wants me to confront the problem that is upsetting him for him. His reasoning has been he’s uncomfortable with conflict (HA!) but I’ve recognized it’s so he remains the ‘good guy’ in any interactions and I’m the ‘bad guy.’
Often times I would comply just to keep the peace but there were times I ‘took on’ feelings and thoughts that were not mine as you described. I have/had attributed this to an empathetic response and as I tend to have high empathy levels I often have to be conscious of not ‘catching’ someone else’s emotional reaction. Since narcissistic individuals find empathy a compelling trait to possess through their relational objects, I’m wondering what if any role empathy responses have to play within the Projective Identification dynamic. Your thoughts?
Sally, I would take to task some of the comments you have entered here, but I’m afraid you would not benefit from that. However, I am going to say that I have a hard time understanding why you would use the comment section of this article to rant about politics. The topic is about narcissism, not elections. I’m afraid it looks like you are so obsessed with your personal slant on current government that you are missing the essence of the article.I would just like to add that Mr Trump fits all the descriptions you posted. And you have been brainwashed. So sorry.
Living with malignant narcissism, in the media, our political arena, and our homes is hard on everyone.
If she is referring to Trump, aren’t they about to impeach him? If he is not a malignant narcissist nobody is.
This article just hit my inbox (almost like a gift from the god’s) on the same day that I reluctantly accepted that it was no longer possible to avoid going to court to fight my ex-wife for the custody of our two young children.
15 months ago I woke up to the reality that my father was a Covert Narcissist and that I had spent my entire life as the designated Scapegoat of my family.
Since then I have been unlawfully terminated from my role as General Manager of the families Multi-million dollar company, something I dedicated 12 years of my life to….but after accusing my father of being abusive, I was kicked to the curb with literally nothing to show for it. I have been kicked out of the family and my father launched a ferocious smear campaign against me which resulted in me losing my house, losing my kids, I have been disinherited, my father attempted to bribe my ex-wife to win her favour (which he succeeded in doing so).
I have relocated interstate under the advice of medical professionals to escape the toxic environment my father fosters and am currently unemployed, certified as unfit due to incurring a Psychological injury from the Trauma I have experienced.
My ex-wife and I had enjoyed an amicable relationship which we were very proud of, and one that was 100% focused on the kids and doing what was best for them.
Unfortunately she was manipulated by my father, and although she knows that he is toxic and knows that I have been abused…..she is now defending my family and has spent the past 12 months pressuring me to let the kids spend time with my family against my wishes. She has become his number one weapon…….passive aggressive, projecting her behaviour onto me……yet she was never like this in the past? Nobody…not even her best friends can get through to her, and she genuinely believes she is the victim?
I was literally about to file documents in the family court (reluctantly) and fight for custody of the kids simply because I cant see any other way of protecting the kids and shielding them from the abuse I myself have just escaped……..but I now understand that she is exhibiting Projective Identification……she genuinely is hurting but its the [projections of my father that are responsible for this.
How should I approach this with her?
I have seen six different Medical Professionals, all of whom have provided formal reports (for legal purposes) stating that I have experienced trauma in the form of abuse, and have incurred a temporary psychological injury (Adjustment Disorder…albeit I believe I have C-PTSD)……yet my ex-wife dismisses it all and continues to say I need to get help?
I am going to try and connect with her and show her that I love her as the mother of my children……but other than that, I am not sure what else I can do?
She is the only person outside of my family who cannot see that my life has been obliterated by my father, yet one of the reasons we separated five years ago was she said “I don’t want to end up like your mother from your fathers abuse!”
My mother has been in and out of institutions for the past 10 years for Anxiety and Depression……but I now accept she is suffering from the extreme end of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. She has literally submitted and given up all hope and has handed control of her reality to my father….a cruel man who literally is unable to tell the truth, and uses his wealth and power to control and manipulate everyone.
Any advise on how I can help my ex-wife see what is really happening would be greatly appreciated.
Oh yes, our culture suffers from the plague of narcissism. As a result, we have no peace. Narcissism is a mental illness, not a civil right.
Oh yes, we have a faction of our so-called society that was so sure they would manage to pull off the election of 2016 that now they pull out every stop no matter how evil, corrupt, or dishonest, to overturn the results of the election. At whatever cost, no matter the damage done to the lives of even innocent bystanders, nothing matters more than the narcissist and her inflated sense of self. Heaven forbid the narcissist should see herself in the mirror as she really is!
Oh yes, those who simply can not believe that their criminal record, their corruption, their immorality, would some day catch up with them, yet the whole nation — the whole world, must be victimized for their narcissism. This is how it works. Every citizen must now pay the price for the narcissists refusal to take responsibility for themselves. There is only one thing in this world that matters, and that is the narcissist herself. Oh, yes, radical feminism is a discussion best saved for another time, speaking of narcissism.
Our Main Stream Media is a perfect example of the repository for narcissistic projection. Think of it. They had one candidate already crowned queen, leading in the polls by an astounding 86% before the election, and then when their lies failed them, they employ the tactics of the master narcissist Saul Alinsky to project the lies they themselves are guilty of onto the nation in order to exonerate themselves. Oh, how impossible it is that the narcissist could actually lose to her own game! What do the headlines read? Nothing about Uranium One, profiteering from the wholesale of aborted baby parts, pedophilia, and all the rest of the good politicking of the chosen one who lost the election not because of her own corruption. Oh, no, it is the fault of the Deplorables!
There is an old Chinese proverb: May you live in interesting times. NB: That is a PROVERB, not a Blessing. Indeed we need a blessing, and that blessing is written on our hearts; the Peace of God that passeth all understanding, and that peace comes from Truth. No matter how despicable the narcissist is, no matter the damage they do, we can only pray for their souls. That’s the gift our Savior gives us. And that is what true freedom is all about.