Always, the Lion’s share of the power will remain with the narcissist. This can be witnessed in many ways.
For example, because the narcissist can never be wrong, and will never take responsibility or be held accountable for anything that goes wrong, inevitably the co-narcissist (victim) will always get the blame.
Because the narcissist sees themselves as superior to everybody, they deem their co-narcissistic partner to be inferior and therefore not worthy of an opinion or getting their needs met.
With getting little or no empathy, and with the constant put-downs, the co-narcissist partner will eventually feel pathetic, and internalise that they are “not good enough” and surrender themselves to relinquishing most of the power.
From the moment, the narcissist (perpetrator) sets eyes on the co-narcissist (victim), they consider them to be objects that are all theirs alone. They immediately begin the convoluted dance, and the love-bombing manipulation gets underway.
It is as if the co-narcissist is possessed, and the boundaries of where one begins and ends just melts away with the intensity of the “idealisation stage”, and with it too, their personal identity.
This idealisation stage is an exciting time for both partners of the dance, both enraptured with each other. However, one of the couples knows exactly what is happening, while the other is totally oblivious to the dangerous predicament they are in.
Like the fly that enters the spider’s web, the narcissist slowly wraps their soft silk around the co-narcissist, entangling them, and binding them into a cocoon that holds them tight until they are ready to consume their precious commodity.
From the beginning, the narcissist takes the power. Whatever the co-narcissist owns is destined to become theirs; their time, their friends, their knowledge, their possessions, their finances, etc.
The narcissist’s sense of entitlement knows no bounds, and soon their prey will be stripped of everything they own, including their dignity, self-esteem, liberty, and finally, their identity.
The victim is reduced to be an object whose main task is to feed the narcissist’s insatiable ego, failure to achieve this end goal will cause a narcissist wound, and the narcissist will feel like the victim.
When this happens, they will then feel entitled to hurt the person who caused this wound.
When the cracks begin to show in the relationship, the narcissistic spouse shows no accountability or responsibility; therefore, it will be the co-narcissist (Victim) that will get the blame for everything. Nothing is ever the narcissist’s fault, and you must never challenge them, or you will pay a high price. What is yours is theirs, but what is theirs is their own; finance, property, personal possessions, etc.
The spotlight is always theirs, so tread lightly, because even if you accidentally upstage them, you will provoke their rage. The co-narcissist is expected to give and fawn over their narcissistic pilot (Narcissist), but they will not have that kindness reciprocated.
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
It’s true that they will drive you crazy and make you think everything is your fault. It’s true that they will make you feel pathetic and lost. I’ve known many of them in my life, but somehow managed to get away before they totally wrecked me. But there is still damage to be healed once you realize what they did to you, even in a brief time. They put on such a good front that it’s amazing. And it can take years to figure out what’s going on. I’ve had a couple of romantic relationships, but got away from both. One wanted to move in together, but every time I said “lets talk about it”, he would change the subject. Then he wanted to get married, but I finally ended it for good before that happened. He was hard to get rid of too. I just thank the Lord that he finally gave up. If I would have married him I probably would have had a nervous breakdown, or committed suicide.
Then I’ve had friends who I thought were real friends who shockingly turned out to be narcs. I have a brother who I recently discovered that he is probably a narc. We lived in different states for about 40 yrs, and that’s why it took so long. Narcs are thieves, thieves, thieves in every way. They would steal your very soul if they could. The have no conscience and it never ceases to amaze me what a good show they can put on. I’ve been researching it for 10 yrs, and as I learn more about them I’m learning to spot red flags in their false fronts. Once I see those red flags, I run, run, run.
I can’t even imagine being with one of these things for decades. Hang in there and do everything you can to get away.
I’ve heard the term “Narcissist” throughout my life, but never really thought about the définition of that term until people began talking about the malignant narcissism of Donald Trump. Fifteen months ago I left a mariage of 50 years…..indeed, five décades of abuse and gaslighting, refusal to communicate, and being shamed relentlessly whenever he felt slightly threatened.
But what made it difficult for me to recognize that I was married to a narcissist, is that he is (from what I’ve now learned) a COVERT narcissist. He comes across as shy, quiet, pleasant and uncomplicated. To the outside world, that is. But to me, he has controlled me over the years through his jealousy, his guilt tripping over finances and almost anything else, gaslighting, arguing in a style that can only be called “Crazy Word Salad”. Leaving was an agonizing decision. By the time I did leave, he had successfully waged a smear campaign of lies he told our three grown daughters, and they are now Flying Monkeys extraordinaire. I’ve lost my home, my daughters, and most agonizing, my beloved grandchildren.
But in spite of my losses, devastating as they are, I do not regret leaving this toxic relationship. When I say I have “lost my home” I only mean I do not any longer live in the beautiful home I shared with him, a home I designed myself, with a beautiful yard full of the flowers I planted, the landscaping I effected, the fruit trees and the berry bushes I loved, nurtured, and from which I made jam and chutney, pies and tarts, applesauce and blueberry muffins. Yet mine is a community property state, so I am entitled to half of everything, and have a good attorney who is watching out for my interests.
So, if I can walk away from a five décade long marriage, all of us hère on this forum can stand up for ourselves and encourage each other to do so. Tell your stories. Reach out. Find a new path for your life even if your heart is breaking over the life you no longer have. We are strong together, we who have experienced the abuse of a narcissist. I’d especially like to hear from others who have experienced the toxicity of a covert narcissist. If anything, because their pathology is so well hidden, they are more destructive than an overt narcissist.
In past articles Christine mentions the “dark triad,” the Machiavellian sociopath, psychopath, and narcissist all rolled into one.
For the past several years Christine’s blog has offered great insight into the very dark and damaging characteristics of people afflicted with this horrible mental illness. It is comforting to be able to share those insights with each other here, and to try to begin to empty ourselves out of the unfathomable damage these people will upon the lives of others.
The truth is, these people are silent murderers who will sell out their victims for thirty shekels. We know they have no conscience, but what we do not know is how far they will go to slay their victims. As one great article I recently read puts it, they are “hell bent” to destroy us — we, their victims. As all of us know, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to do battle with these demonic fools.
Over the past month I have done battle with Satan, my dark triad father who is 88 years old. As these people age, one would hope they would improve but they don’t, they become worse. Perhaps this is a generalization but from all my research thus far, I am pretty much able to validate this observation. The damage my father has done to my life is exponential. More recently I have come to fully accept the reality of how evil and damaging this man truly is, as he proves that he will stop at nothing to destroy his own daughter. His smear campaigns extend to the outer perimeters of his social circles as he uses this tactic to appease his guilt.
He embezzled my inheritance. He refuses to account for the money though he insists that I am the one who he can’t communicate with! He refuses me my right to a mediator or legal counsel by threatening to “cut off” funds that are rightfully mine. He has isolated and ostracized me from my entire family, even extended family of distant cousins whom I no longer get Christmas cards from, because I refused to condone his cavorting with a married woman. To him he was doing “nothing wrong.”
We may feel dis-empowered by pitiful, evil devils like my father who have sold their souls to Satan, even to the point of at times feeling such rage we might think we’ll pop out of our skin like a sausage, but the fact remains, we always have the freedom of God to comfort us. Our conscience leads us to Him. There is no greater punishment in this world than when God stops stirring the conscience of man. This is what the narcissist suffers. His conscience is dead. And without conscience, the whole man is dead as well.
Recently I had an interesting discussion with an elderly, orthodox Catholic priest who is a skilled exorcist. I described my father at length to him and asked him what I can possibly do to help my father save his own soul. And, how I best can live a holy, healthy, happy life while grieving the reality of my father’s death, though he still walks the face of this earth. The priest’s reply was quite simple. He said, “There is nothing you can do.” Unless the narcissist-psychopath-sociopath is willing to humble himself and admit his problem, if he is aware enough to see how he has hurt and damaged others, then there is hope. Until such time, all we can do is pray, and learn to take care of ourselves. I asked the priest to pray for my father. He replied, “I will pray for YOU.”
It is my heartfelt hope that soon the devastation this illness creates within every faction of our society, especially families and workplace, will be rightfully recognized as a threat to the inalienable rights of those of us who have suffered as their victims. I am finding that it is very difficult to get the kind of validation and support that is truly needed so that somehow, before it is too late, there may be some hope of reconciliation. Otherwise, like the one Apostle that will forever haunt us, “who by transgression fell, that he might go to his own place.” (Acts 1:25). This is the choice the narcissist makes. Try as they might, they can not kill love, though they themselves are incapable of love.
It is important, no matter how threatened we might feel by these cowardly bullies, to stand firm in our Truth and not to waver. It is equally important to create a support system and safety net for ourselves. That being said, I have learned recently the importance of thoroughly vetting an agency before filing a formal complaint. One elder abuse agency that I confided in ended up being useless to such an extreme that I detected severe dysfunction within that organization.
There needs to be considerable mobilization among professionals, but even more importantly, we, the victims need to recognize when we are being marginalized even by professionals and agencies. We need to learn how to create support structures for ourselves where we can find the safety and encouragement critical to our ability to survive this horror. We need to be able to find relief; to catch our breath in hopes that someday, somehow, we may even get a glimpse of what life will be like when we are free at last of the demonic possession of the narcissist in our lives. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Pray, pray, pray without ceasing. See the blessing in the suffering, in that we are brought closer to God.
Whatever we do, we must never give up. And always remember, “he who laughs first, laughs last.”
God bless us, one and all.
Hi, Christine.
I’m a brasilian woman, I’m 50 years old and since 2014, I discovered that I’m in a sick relationship, where my husband is the narcissist and I’m his co-narcissist. I’ve lost everything I had for him, and now I’m beginning to lose my health. I’m physically ill and I feel like I need to get out of this relationship, but it’s amazing how we always want to be in the cage of this deadly relationship and we just can not get out of our narcissist. But now I’m fighting for my life because there is someone who needs me and is not my husband, but my 12-year-old daughter. So I’ve been looking for information to strengthen my ability to separate from my husband, but I assure you it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried. Thank you for your posts that bring me hope and desire to continue to help people around the world. Thank you.
Penny your story is so encouraging especially after 41 years. I’m 68 and have been stuck in my psychological cage for 30+ years. I hope to draw strength from all the inspiring folks on this website and help others if I can. Christine’s writings are like a weekly boost for me so I keep trying.
Lily how did you finally convince yourself that it wasn’t you? My spouse is really good at what he does. I really miss me or at least who I thought I was. Your story caught my eye mainly because of the jealousy factor. The only loved one that has not backed away is my daughter but my husband has tried everything to come between us. I envy you your peace. Your strength is so encouraging!
Hi Marie I just left a message to Celeste. I think I know how you feel. Over 30 years with a man who has taken over our lives with a smile on his face. Of course he’s smiling because he wins. I used to be so outgoing and had friends. My daughter was reasonably close too. Now because of bad financial planning and a lot of spending we’ve had to buy down way out in the middle of no man’s land. I want out and am so afraid to just do it. If you’re interested maybe we could share?
Celeste my heart goes out to you and I take my hat off to you for taking the brave step. I’m 68, this is my second marriage. 31 years married and together 34. I’ve tried a couple of times to leave and the last time we actually calmly agreed. In fact, he had me on the web within minutes to see about on line separations.I couldn’t believe my luck. My daughter is willing to help as well. She was even willing to help me with my 3 dogs. They are my life and without them I have nothing. Then late in the evening he started talking what he called common sense. Of course he convinced me it would be stupid to have to start our lives over. He’s very good at what he does makes me feel that I just need help. I did see a therapist but she wasn’t much help at all. And so I sit. I love Christine’s books and have been gathering every bit of information I can to help me but I still think I’m exaggerating the situation in my head. I’m all over the place. How did you finally do it?? Tks!
Celeste … that’s kind of funny … paid the ransom but hey freedom is priceless!!
I’m from New Jersey where divorce is equitable distribution so not necessarily 50/50 nor dependent on actual monetary contribution. Many factors come into play – not only our own negotiating skills but also the care of our attorney.
As for your daughters, when it happened to me I felt all alone (2003 & 2005). Then I learned it was common for these types if you try to leave – they will desperately attempt to get you back under their control. Meanwhile will turn anyone they can against you – daughters are fair game. They are human predators & anyone & I mean anyone can become “prey”. The pain for years was so bad – BP up, stroke & heart attack. Never got to meet granddaughters now 15 & 9. In time let it go & I am so much better, very happy & moved to a new area.
In my community I recently met a woman who has been brutally alienated on & off for years by adult daughters who play her like a yo-yo when they want something & then discard her. She is working hard to recover & heal as her story was soaked in the cruelty she has endured. They are definitely “flying monkeys” or worse have partnered with her ex in this campaign of cruelty. I will add that he has lots of money. She introduced me to a book that may interest you > “DONE WITH THE CRYING” – Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by Sheri McGregor, M.A.. Of course it is for men also – I have bought it & so far very good & may help in some way. Not sure if I read the following in this book or somewhere else, but from a father experiencing this with his wife from their adult offspring. “When they are done draining you of money & energy used for babysitting, etc., they just discard you.” Something to think about. Be happy now – make a life of your own for they may never return. CK
Dear Marie – so glad you have a therapist walking through this with you. You said, “I know what I need to do, have to do, but so scared that I’ll fail again” – I would describe myself as almost frozen in fear but I knew I had to “call him out” so to speak & let go & let things unfold as they must.
First time I let him back in based on an intense feeling of abandonment & once again believed empty promises of change. The promises had about an expected life span of a gnat. Looking back, not a failure, just a pointer on what I had to deal with in myself.
Okay, second time & stronger plus a plan after his exit – surprise, my daughter unexpectedly comes home from college for the weekend. I do think he figured “back in” again – knew my weak spots. Did not want to upset my daughter so once again back together. Again, no failure just a pointer – had to face my very strong “people pleasing” tendencies programmed from childhood. Felt excessively responsible for people & things that were not my responsibility. Dealing with my “people pleasing” was much harder than the initial abandonment & my efforts were often met with resistance or worse, anger or rage. So this was a tough one, but dealt with it enough to get “back up at bat”.
Now the third time. At this point I did realize I was afraid to fail as I saw it at the time because each time I allowed the “revolving door”, it appeared he secretly gloated & figured a “win” & me weaker. Being with a pathological liar for 27 years had strengthened how sacred promises were to me even though he tossed them about like confetti. To me a promise is “sacred”. So I gave one to myself. Here goes > [he’s out & “no way re-enters my life” without submitting to intense therapy & exhibiting “long-term sustainable change”]. I do not break promises, so a “gift to myself” that became the “ticket” to set me free. So really no failures just pointers, self-knowledge is your friend. He reacted with rage, daughters as “flying monkeys” & a whole bunch of other stuff including identity theft & cleaning out pension funds, etc. (federal crimes). Hell-bent on owning or destroying me. To these type you are “property” to be “used” & should you protest as I did then more & more abuse. He actually admitted, “If I can’t be used, then abused”.
Passed that now, divorced, moved away so now he focuses on total destruction in a passive-aggressive manner complete with “flying monkeys”. It was tough but I knew I passed the halfway point on the bridge the 3rd time. You can do it Marie – believe in & trust yourself. Friends, family, therapist, groups, attorney – just circle your wagons – there are “angels” everywhere to help you. Christine certainly is one along with others as well as the many readers who have walked in or are walking in your “moccasins”.
So Marie really no failures just pointers – you can do it. You are not alone despite perhaps feeling that way. Angels, angels everywhere – new people will show up in your life to help you along the way.
Blessings in the Light … CK
What a coincidence this article shows up in my email today. Thinking about this topic last night & remembered one of the many “sayings” I use to post on my refrigerator. Given that one has mostly broken free of the entanglement & can view the relationship from an “observational mode” it may even seem funny. Here goes.
“In a ham & egg sandwich, the chicken is always involved but the pig is committed”. Guess who’s who !!
Check it out – after I pushed for separation with ex from 27 year marriage & made counseling a must before any reconciliation was possible he took the following position.
1) was not sure in 27 year old marriage if he wanted to be committed
2) was not sure he wanted to “grow up” & took position that maybe he wanted to be a “little boy”
3) didn’t want to look at himself, could not “right his wrongs” & best > “will be better next life” – all from a Catholic “holy roller”
4) made no move to leave so I had to push – said he “just wanted to exist” – right, at “my expense” – these type are “soul-eaters” in the true sense of the word because it takes quite a while to know what has happened to you
Did not know any better at the time so worst thing I did was push for counseling. Wow !!! Passive aggressive behavior on steroids. They play the counselor but she was on to him in a short while. Furthermore, he moved quite quickly “grooming” one daughter at a time painting himself as the “victim”. To this day (17 years later) they often play the role of “flying monkeys” for him or maybe have become like him. Not sure, seldom hear from them unless they have a problem & want something from me. Eye stroke, heart attack not even a phone call from them but ring a dingy my phone when fiancé bows out of wedding, husband cheats, etc. – then I exist as the empathetic listener, rescuer or whatever utility I may represent.
CK
Dear Marie,
My heart goes out to you. I have recently left my narcissitic husband of 12 years. Please do not give up hope. The best resource I have ever found, including this one, is Melanie Tonya Evan’s. Please go to jer website immediately. It will change your life for the better. My ex became so jealous of my small Grandchildren, and of my Children. This was a second marraige. Yet I had to cater to his Children (all adults) as he was much older than me. Yes, it’s very difficult to leave, and it is very hard when you move out. But I’d do it all again because i haven’t experienced this kind of peace in my soul for 12 years. You can do it, and you have your tribe right by your side. We are always here for you. Much love and peace to you. Namaste, Lily
Hi Celeste,
I too divorced after 34 years having spent a total of 41 years with my narc husband. I just want to congratulate you on your courageous decision – as it is a real challenge later in life to begin again – and to agree with you that the peace that one experiences and the freedom to invite people over and do what you want to do for once in one’s life, is my (our) reward for finally making the bold decision to leave our narcissists. Well done! I wish you everything of the best for your future and would like to encourage others who have been trapped for many years to consider the alternative – freedom or constant pain. It’s really worth leaving!!
I’ve been married to a narcissist for 22 years. This is my second marriage. My two children were 7 and 13 when we got married. My adult children are now dealing with addictions and recoveries and I blame myself for it because of the neglect. I didn’t see it at the time, but he got everything, my time, my attention, my love and my money. The shame I feel is too much to bear. I have no friends, they’ve all dewindled away. The only friends or events we attend are his friends. My family that I was once very close to are now distant. The depression is overwhelming and the hopelessness is even worse. I’ve tried to leave 4 times before and each time I go back. I’m working with a therapist now trying to regain my self esteem and to learn to put myself first. It’s very difficult right now. I know what I need to do, have to do, but so scared that I’ll fail again. The regrets are many. I’m trying and I’m very thankful for finding Christine.
I have been living with a narcissistic woman for 19 years. Now I have my own private furnished but we are still running a company together. Previously, I had two marriages with women who have the same narcissistic disorder.
Three years ago I made a shocking discovery in the accounting of our joint company. I had been working hard all those years and our company seemed to stay above water with difficulty. Every time my wife pointed out the bad results, I felt guilty and took more orders until I could not handle it anymore.
Two years ago I did a choking discovery in the accounting of our company.
The discovery of her large-scale and refined fraud was so bad that I could not believe it for months. Every time I confronted her with this fraud she made me doubt myself. I felt guilty again. But the evidence was too great to doubt any longer. Then shame came. How could I have been so foolish.?
But one question continued to dominate: why? Why can someone in a relationship act like this with his partner? Until someone referred me to the existence of NPD. After finding a lot of information, I also found Christine’s work.
Her last book ‘When shame becoms shame’ that I read was in the beginning a shock for me. The concept of Co-Narcissist was not pleasant to hear. But I knew it was true. And I knew it long, unconsciously.
This book has helped me tremendously. Understanding role as Co-Narcissist is helping to disconnect me from my narcissistic partner. It also helps to understand her friends who now treat me as a pariah. The fraud that I discovered is now being pushed into my shoes plus a series of incredible lies. Dear people I have known for a long time are completely trapped in her web. Sooner or later they will be ashamed of their behavior. But I can not blame them. I myself have also long believed in the honesty of my wife.
I advise everyone to read Christine’s books. These are sources from which victims can draw a lot of strength.
PS My excuse for the faulty translation from Dutch.
My brother is married to a malignant narcissist
And he is pretty well beaten down after nearly 30
Years of constant verbal and emotional abuse.
I also married 3 men like this myself. My father was a
Narcissist and we all endured his rage fits verbal
And physical and emotional abuse for 18
Years until my mother made him leave and divorced him. Blame was put on my mother and then me
As the reason he couldn’t get himself together
And his constant drinking only made it worse.
I ended up with a substance abuse problem myself and I self medicated as a way to cope with the constant
Chaos and violence we lived in all those years.
Today I am in recovery and I have been able
Able to process a lot of my experiences that
Traumatized me deeply. I have PTSD from living
In that abusive environment but now I have some tools to cope with it.
My brother is not so fortunate and is stuck in
That terrorizing marriage where my sister in law
Controls all the money and his time and energy
And who he is allowed to see and when. She is an
Insurance litigation attorney and so even if he tried to leave he would be stripped of his home and life
Savings and possibly his children even though they
Are adults now she still controls them and who they are allowed to associate with. It is painful for me to hear
The way she speaks to him in the awful demeaning
Manner and I can only visit for short times
Now before the negativity begins to make me physically
ill
I am the step son of what you speak of. In my mother he saw the “grape” and oportunity as a sex slave. I was someone elses whelp, who had no brains and bad blood. Seen and not heard, and, fear of the lord were was all the teaching I received. The beatings, which started at 2years, became normal wvery day life and I actually felt all children were raised this way. I was ten years before I found out different. That, only brought more confusion. I had to run to the mountains at 14 years to survive.
First year elementary, I was considered slow because english was hard for me to grasp because,”children are seen and not heard” and all that was taught was fear of the lord. Teachers put in a lot more effort and by the end of my first year, the school wanted me to skip second year curriculum and advance to the third year studies. This was not allowed. Same by end of my second year.
After running, I took to the world the ignorance and violence I was taught, and at age thirty was blessed by being run over by a truck that put me in ICU for three weeks and awoke to a year and a half of a peace and lack of fear I had never experienced. This, gave me perspective, and choices. Thirty-five years later I still strugle for peace of mind and forgiveness for my past. Your writings, I can not read for much time sense it brings things that I chooe to run from, but give me some validation and grounding much needed to continue in my growth as a person.
I am 64 years old now and can only look to God as guide. It is very lonely to say the least.
James
This is so powerful for me to read. This describes my relationship with my ex comepletely. My mother as well. It puts things in perspective. When I start feeling guilty about these relationships, I am going to read this to gound myself. Thank you!
How well I know this. I am divorcing a narcissist after 34 years. Because for more than 20 years of him refusing to work and the state I live in is a 50:50 state he gets the house and contents and all of the retirement funds I put in his accounts and a big chunk of change and has alienated my 2 adult daughters.
However, I consider that I have paid the ransom and bought my own freedom. I am approachng my impending retirement as an opportunity to reclaim my authentic self and live in peace and joy rather than always walking on eggshells and constant humiliation.