The Pathological Narcissist’s Multi-addictions
The narcissist’s pervasive feelings of shame are the root cause of their multi-addictions. So, whenever they experience a narcissistic wound, the narcissist turns to one of their addictive mood-altering experiences to deliver them from pain, in this way their addiction becomes their form of self-soothing. For example, unable to regulate their strong feelings associated with shame, they may turn to one of their multi-addictions, i.e. a chemical substance as an auxiliary regulator (Hotchkiss, 2003), or to retail therapy to get their fix.
Narcissism, by its very nature, is an obsession and a compulsion, therefore the narcissistic personality is particularly prone to addiction. Obsessed by the illusion of a False Self, and an inflated sense of their own superiority, power, and control, the narcissist renders themselves susceptible to all sorts of obsessions, compulsions, and addictions.
As well as being addicted to some of the classical addictions (i.e. drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, food, sex, etc.) the narcissist will also become addicted to anything that will assure the survival of their False Self. That is, anything that allows them to self- medicate against the pain of any unpleasant anxious emotions (i.e. loneliness, illness, failure, uncertainty, shame etc.) and guarantees the paralysis of the True Self.
The addictions are the nutrients to the narcissist appearing to be in control, and being beyond the control of others. For example, their addictions to “self” support their feeling superior and being better than anybody else in their presence; cultivates their feeling of being “special” so that they feel acceptance wherever they are; satisfies their need for the copious amount of excitement needed to burn off their deep anger and rage; maintain the illusion of the inflated self, thereby they can avoid facing their limitations, defeats, and ordinariness; relieves their horror of boredom, and fills the inner “Gap” in order to feel whole for at least a little while; and to gain access to their endless need for “narcissistic supply”.
Narcissism is indeed a pattern of addiction. The narcissist’s greatest addiction is not so much in getting attention than it is on having a grand view of themselves. Their goal in life is to gain admiration, power, and control, and in this way, they boost their self-esteem and avoid their constant intrusive shameful feelings.
The best way for a narcissist to reach this goal is specifically through their addiction for “narcissistic supply”. The narcissist in their addiction is like other types of addicts. They both yield to their urges of a preferred “fix”; for the drug addict, it may be their heroin, but for the narcissist, it is their new source of narcissistic supply (victim). In their pursuit, the narcissist is highly motivated, and will successfully search out a suitable candidate for their purpose.
They are especially drawn to people who are “caretakers”, those people who have advanced empathy because it is these people who offer the most satisfaction and pleasure, and who help them to self-regulate. Just like a drug addict, their craving for intense satisfaction grows stronger and stronger with each conquest, until it dominates their thought processes and behaviours.
They are continually on the lookout for new and greater triumphs that bring greater glory to their self-esteem. As they progress along this path, with their repeated behaviour they are likely to become bored, or, they may set the bar too high, and crash. Either way, this will result in the narcissist experiencing diminishing levels of satisfaction and self-esteem. So just like the junkie, they develop a “tolerance” to their drug, seeking even higher dosages to feel better about themselves. In time, because of their pathological behaviour, the pathological narcissist will eventually ruin the relationship that provides for these cravings.
When the narcissist gets their “high” through their narcissistic supply, they feel as if they are reaching their goal of sought-after admiration. They enter a period of inflated self-regard, where they feel wonderfully euphoric, flying high on the feeling of connection with another.
They are feeling relatively normal with a secure attachment and mirroring eyes that tell them that they are wonderful. Unfortunately, like the addict, they are likely to indulge their craving in a way that becomes destructive in the extreme. Unfortunately, before long, their acquired drug (their victim) will, unfortunately, disappoint them, and their self-aggrandising feelings soon deflate.
Like the junky whose fix wears off, the narcissist comes back to earth with a bang, and their self-esteem takes a tumble. Inevitable, the victim will stir up feelings of dependency and vulnerability in the narcissist-pilot, and in doing so, they find themselves becoming an enemy. The narcissist will then withdraw from them, devaluing them, and likely to turn to one of their multi-addictions in order to get back control.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Hi Christine, I think I’m in a relationship with a narcissistic man. I am 68 years old and this thing is really puzzling. He never answers questions, he lives 3000 miles away, and keeps promising to visit. We have only met once. Because of COVID, it was easy fir him to make excuses. He is constantly hurt, and speaks of shamefulness often, and is often times with his doctor for depression. He does not talk on the phone, he only texts. We only face timed once and I can never get anything serious out of him, he shuts me down often. I am so deeply confused. Please help me out here.
Thank you for this. I just escaped a narcissist. My third time. I am praying I don’t go back. I am trying to learn as much as I can. This article helped so much. I hope I can find more like this.
Hi Shirl, As far as narcissists are concerned, their addictions are their way to get relief and comfort externally from the “shame” they feel. Therefore, it may be possible that a narcissist would be able to curb their impulse for alcohol or drugs when they discover a new love interest. People with psychopathy seem to have a hypersensitive reward system. We can see that in their intensity when they are perusing somebody, and how they get all consumed and addicted to that new person. It could be that they are filling the void for alcohol/drugs with their addiction to their new source of “narcissistic supply” during the Idealisation Phase. Remember, addictions are their way to get relief and comfort externally.
I Christine, I wonder if a person (who has traits of covert narcissist) with alcohol and drug abuse in order to fill in a void caused by a breakup, can abandon the addictions because of a new love?
Great article. I feel like this is a topic not often discussed in regards to narcissists. My narcissistic ex was a raging addict – something I couldn’t really see clearly until I got the plank out of my own eye and quit drinking! She had a constant need to shut down her own natural feelings with alcohol, drugs of all sorts and novelty. So much so, that it’s hard to tell what behavior comes from a personality disorder and what stems from drug addiction and I wonder if there’s even a distinction to be made!
Hi Steve, If your wife is a narcissist, she may be a “covert narcissist”….. they are not like the “overt” type (who are extrovert, grandiose, and want success outside the home. Covert narcissists tend to be introverted, hyper sensitive, and rule from their home, where they feel they have more control. Christine.
After I learned how to consistently go “gray rock” when interacting with my gorgeous wife of four decades, her continuous binge TV watching and sudoku puzzle solving has gone completely through the roof! But since she is hiding from all other people through self imposed isolation I am the only other human who’s privileged to see her astonishingly life-wasting behavior. Does anybody else relate to this pattern of addiction?
Dear Christine and fellow co-narcissists,
I am reading Shame begets shame. It’s shed light on my years of confused and numbing existence. As I grew up I lived in fear of my mother, and suppressed myself within the family, I knew I had to keep out of sight, I grew up bilingual, but I never acquired the cultural characteristics, richness of either culture (Italian-British), nor either culture saw me as one of their own, I’ve always been the outsider that had no place to belong to. Your book articulates the bewildered confused state I grew up in, and then I learnt to please, and please I did, others, never knew what I wanted, and if I felt I wanted something, I never let on, as my mother had destroyed anything I enjoyed. Reading this book is enlightening and deeply sad, for the loss experienced by all.
Thank you for sharing your heart wisdom.
Carol, I wonder if you have dealt with a real narcissist. If so, you would understand the truth of what she has just said.
I’m going through this dance with my husband right now. After years of going through the cycle… I have selected to not given in to my
admiring care giving submissive self…but just hold on through the storm that is coming…Been with this man for 12 yrs and I am so tired of this game
we play with each other…Thanks Christine for the knowledge and information Blessings Frederica
Don’t most of us have some degree of addictive behavior. Isn’t care taking an addition and narcissitic? After all who are care takers to think that they can fix or know what is best for another person. Needing to be needed. Don’t we all have addictive personalities to some extend or another?
CHRISTINE, you continue to reply to unanswered questions, such as “ why is so much grocery shopping required for 2 persons?”
When having asked this question, the reply has been that “retail therapy is healthy “
Why opening a second bottle of wine, for two people, at one meal : is one not sufficient? Reply has been, “ I’ll have that second bottle which you have removed from the table, you are a nag.” I explained that I had concerns of his developing liver damage.
After three years of my living alone, I have no concerns of unnecessary grocery shopping, retail therapy, excessive consumption of wine, & other behaviors which I now realize, with most sincere appreciation to CHRISTINE, are signs of addiction.
Christine, you are a seat of wisdom & knowledge in this sad, & puzzling world of Narcissism. For me, from you, this is an ongoing learning process. You are unique. Kathleen