What is Shame?

What Do Other Experts Say About Shame?

Dr. Peter Levine (1997) says, “Shame is a very powerful emotion. It probably, in many ways, is the most powerful emotion because of the way it sneaks up and just takes over the person’s organism from the inside”.

Dr. Borysenko (2007) “Shame is very much like eating a poisoned plant. If you eat a poisoned plant just once, you never want to go back there again because the physiological terror and horror and sickness of it imprints on your brain because that’s how we survive, by not eating poisoned plants. So, I’d have to say, that shame is the poison plant of emotions. And I think it takes a lot clinically to erase that tracing of shame, which is so deeply connected to the nervous system.”

Dr. McGonigal (2015) says, “We often interpret the strength of the shame as a sign about how bad we are, or what’s truly wrong with us. Instead, I think we should learn to read that intensity as a metric of how much and how deeply we care, not a metric of how fundamentally screwed up or inadequate we are.”

Dr. Buczynski (psychologist and President of NICABM) says, “Shame is such a pervasive issue in our work. If you think about it, any clinical problem that presents itself with a kind of self-criticism or judgment is almost always dealing with shame. And when shame goes untreated, it grows stronger. And it eventually reaches beyond ourselves to affect future generations.”

Dr. van der Kolk: “At the centre of the human structure are all of these good emotions – there are no bad emotions. All parts are welcome, and shame is there for a reason. We don’t say to people, “Don’t be ashamed.” We say, “Let’s go there. Let’s explore shame. Let’s feel shame. Let’s see what this shame is about.”

Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS)says, “Shame is a two-part phenomenon. There is a critic who says you’re shit, and there’s this young part that believes it. Usually, there’s then yet another part whose job it is to get away from the shame, and sometimes that will resort to extreme behaviours that can then actually bring on more shame.”

Distinguishing Between Two Forms of Shame: Nourishing Shame and Toxic Shame

Nourishing shame is depicted as a healthy form of shame that can promote positive change. It is akin to guilt, serving as a moral compass that encourages individuals to reflect on their actions and behaviours. This type of shame can lead to personal growth, motivating individuals to improve their behaviour and foster better relationships. It helps people recognise when they have crossed boundaries or hurt others, prompting reparative actions and a desire to align with their values.

Healthy shame is the experiential ground from which conscience and identity spring. According to John Bradshaw (1988), healthy shame is honest because it lets us know we have limitations, and therefore permits us to accept our humanness always. It also helps us to establish a boundary system of socially acceptable behaviour in which we can operate safely in relationship to ourselves and with others.

In contrast, people describe Toxic Shame as a painful internal experience that can destroy lives. Toxic shame leads to a pervasive sense of being flawed and defective. It creates a rupture between the self and identity, making individuals feel unworthy and untrustworthy. Shame is not merely an emotion; it becomes a core identity, where the individual internalises feelings of inadequacy and contempt for themselves.

Toxic shame is characterised by its secretive nature, often hiding behind various behavioural cover-ups. It thrives in darkness and isolation, leading individuals to disown parts of themselves. Individuals experience this shame as an inner torment, causing them to guard against exposing their true selves, both to others and to themselves. Toxic shame can lead to chronic feelings of worthlessness and a sense of being haunted by absence and emptiness.

Unhealthy Shame (or what Bradshaw calls Toxic Shame) is the unconscious or the unacknowledged demon that undermines the individual’s self-esteem, self-worth, personal power, spontaneous action, and joyous spirit. All of this produces intense self-scrutiny, leaving a man/woman with an all-pervasive sense that they are defective and worthless as a human being. Because of earlier experiences, the person feels a profound sense of helplessness when others don’t respond to their ‘true self’. When the “self” considers itself flawed, the individual experiences excruciating pain and fears within themselves, which makes them want to hide their flawed self from the world. Terrified that someone will find out, the person will go to great lengths to guard against exposing their inner self not only from others but also from themselves. Afraid that he/she is not good enough, not smart enough, or not intelligent enough, the person becomes a slave to their incessant inner critic.

As a slave, they are no longer free to communicate their thoughts and words in an open, honest manner. All the time, their constant internal voices are snapping at their heels like hungry dogs, making sure that they rehearse every word before they dare to speak. These overzealous inner voices function for only one purpose: to save the person’s vulnerable self from criticism or humiliation (shame). They believe their true self cannot be trusted, so they cannot operate from it. Sadly, for the narcissist, it is this false self that houses their pathological narcissism. Although they may look fine on the outside to an unsuspecting bystander, underneath the surface of the false self, they still feel all the same early maladaptive shameful, defective and unlovable schemas they did as a child. This causes the narcissist’s False Self to look to the outside for fulfilment and validation from any form of supply because they cannot trust their perceived inner flawed self. This leads to spiritual bankruptcy because, rather than just being, the narcissist is dominated by doing and achieving.

Internalisation of Shame

Identification is one of the most basic human needs, and this begins with our primary caregivers and significant others from the moment we are born. At such an early stage, the egocentric child has not yet developed ego boundaries. When the child’s ego boundaries are not yet developed, they have no protection, as boundaries are necessary to guard their inner space. To establish boundaries, the child needs to identify with a primary caregiver that has firm boundaries for the child to model. Without proper modelling, the child will not develop this resource within themself. The child also needs this identification process of learning to depend on someone outside himself, a caregiver who will give the child a sense of security, protection, and belonging.

Unfortunately, when a child has shame-based parents or caregivers, it identifies with them. Shame-based caregivers act shamelessly and pass their shame onto the child because, as Bradshaw (1988) says, “There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself.” This is the first step in the child’s internalising shame. When caregivers withhold themselves from their child, the child experiences the trauma of abandonment and internalises that something must be wrong with them. Through the core wounds of abandonment, the child loses touch with their authentic self and ceases to exist well psychologically.

Shame can become internalised, transforming from a fleeting emotion into a lasting characterological style. This internalisation occurs through processes such as identifying with unreliable models, experiencing abandonment, and forming memory imprints that create a collage of shame. As a result, individuals may not just feel shame; they may become shame itself, leading to profound impacts on their mental and emotional well-being.

Overall, in my eBook, “When Shame Begets Shame – How the Narcissist Hurts and Shames their Victims”, I aim to provide a deeper understanding of how shame operates, particularly in the context of narcissistic abuse, and to highlight the importance of addressing both nourishing and toxic shame for healing and recovery.

When I Work with Shame, I Invite Humour into the Therapy Room

In the delicate dance of therapy, where emotions run deep and vulnerabilities are laid bare, I find that humour can be a powerful ally. It serves as a bridge, connecting us to our inner child and breaking down the barriers that shame often erects. Here is a short excerpt from my eBook, (Chapter 17, page 212):

Humour breaks down resistance, and anyway, I don’t think therapy must always be cold and clinical, especially when working with the client’s inner child. Even Freud said, “Jokes are the expression of deep impulses that society usually forbids or suppresses.” Laughter is great for breaking down the client’s “shame walls” and naming their inner critic, it also creates positive bonding together.

Sometimes I playfully invite the client to give their “shame” a personal name. One client of mine named their shame Beelzebub. “Why Beelzebub?”, I asked. “Because it is a horrible little devil”, she replied. I seized the opportunity to say to her, “There is a saying, ‘Tell the truth and shame the devil’, what do you think that could mean?” I could see her mind working, turning it over and over, and then she answered. “I think shame has kept me from knowing my real self, so as I speak my truth in here (the therapy room) I am getting to see a glimpse of my self-worth, or should I say lack of”. I asked her, “And what is that like?”

Immediately, without any hesitation, she responded by saying, “I am handing the shame right back to that horrible little devil, Beelzebub”. Then, like lightning, she made an obscene gesture when she stuck her two fingers up in the air to her imaginary Beelzebub, and she went into hysterics of laughter. Within a minute the two of us were in fits of laughter together. I thought that was terrific insight on her part. I was then able to explore with her what ‘not knowing her worth had cost her over the years’, and where that question took us was amazing and insightful for her. She spoke about her relationship with others, and herself. How she had entered a career she had no interest in, because she did not think she was good enough to pursue an art career, which she loved.

Her shame was melting in front of my eyes, and her righteous anger was surfacing (but in a healthy manageable way). I asked her what her inner critic was saying to her throughout all that time. She was very quick to answer me, saying, “It was mocking me, saying “Your sister is the one who is creative, you’re just shite.” When I asked her if that was true, she said, “Not really. Having said that, my sister was very creative in her sense of style, but her creativity ended there.” Then, suddenly she looked sad, and bending her head, she uttered (in a quiet voice), “Beelzebub lied to me, and I believed him.” By averting her gaze from me, bowing her head, and collapsing her spine, I could see the submissive and appeasement signals of her shame as she spoke.

A Poignant Example of How “Shame Begets Shame”

During a recent visit from abroad, I witnessed a poignant incident that highlighted the complex interplay of shame within family dynamics. My brother’s son, an 11-year-old gymnast, had just competed in the British National Championships and earned a silver medal. Naturally, I was eager to hear how he performed. However, my brother’s reaction was anything but celebratory. He looked at his son with disgust and disappointment, prompting the boy to lower his head and quietly say, “I only got silver.” The atmosphere in the room shifted; it was thick with tension. I initially thought they were joking, so I enthusiastically hugged and clapped for my nephew, genuinely proud of his achievement. But then, my brother’s words cut through the moment: “Silver is the first loser; it has to be gold to be considered a win.”

This incident was a vivid illustration of how shame can manifest in familial relationships. My nephew, despite his impressive accomplishment, was made to feel inferior and inadequate. His body language—head down, shoulders slumped, and whispered voice—spoke volumes about the shame he felt at that moment. The external validation he sought through his performance was overshadowed by his father’s harsh judgement, leading him to internalise the belief that anything less than perfection was unacceptable.

On the other hand, my brother’s reaction also revealed his struggles with shame. His son’s silver medal represented not just a personal defeat but a reflection of his perceived failures as a parent. In a society that often equates success with worth, my brother’s pathological narcissistic tendencies led him to view his son’s achievements as extensions of himself. Thus, when his son fell short of the gold, it triggered feelings of inadequacy and shame within my brother, compelling him to project that shame onto his son. This cycle of shame not only damaged their relationship but also reinforced a toxic dynamic where success was the only acceptable outcome.

Shame may well be “the bedrock of psychopathology” in both the narcissist and their victim’s behaviours.

Behaviours Associated with Shame Can Be Divided into Four Aspects

Paul Gilbert and Bernice Andrews discuss how behaviours associated with shame can be divided into four aspects: –

Behaviours aroused as part of the “Shame Response”—the hot response

This aspect includes the immediate emotional and physiological reactions that occur when an individual experiences shame. These may manifest as blushing, sweating, or a desire to hide, reflecting the body’s response to perceived social threats. Example: When Sarah received critical feedback on her presentation, she felt her face flush and her heart race. She instinctively wanted to hide her face in her hands and avoid eye contact with her colleagues, reflecting the immediate physical reaction to her shame.

Behaviours Triggered to Cope with or Conceal Shame

Individuals often engage in coping mechanisms to manage the discomfort of shame. These can include avoidance behaviours, such as withdrawing from social situations, or defensive actions that mask feelings of shame, like anger or aggression towards others. Example: After feeling embarrassed during a social gathering, Tom chose to withdraw from the group and sat alone, scrolling through his phone. He avoided engaging in conversations, fearing that any interaction would expose his feelings of inadequacy.

Behaviours Instigated to Avoid Being Shamed or Shame Being Discovered

This aspect focuses on safety behaviours that individuals adopt to prevent the experience of shame. People may avoid situations where they fear judgement or criticism, or they might strive for perfectionism to shield themselves from potential shame. Example: Emma, who feared being judged for her appearance, always dressed in a way that she believed would be deemed acceptable by others. She avoided situations where she might be the centre of attention, such as public speaking or social events, to prevent potential shame.

Behaviours Designed to Repair Shame

Finally, actions taken to alleviate feelings of shame. This may involve seeking forgiveness, making amends, or engaging in self-soothing behaviours to restore a sense of self-worth and connection with others. Example: After a heated argument with her friend, Lisa felt overwhelming shame for her outburst. To repair the relationship, she reached out with an apology, expressing her regret and offering to make amends by planning a fun outing together to reconnect.

These examples illustrate how shame can manifest in various behaviours, influencing individuals’ actions and interactions with others. Gilbert and Andrews highlight that understanding these behaviours is crucial for addressing the impact of shame on interpersonal relationships and mental health, as they can significantly influence an individual’s emotional well-being and social interactions.

Recognisable Self-Defeating Shame Reactions

We all experience shameful feelings at some time, but, according to Peter Breggin (2015) when they are in excess, it may indicate that we are experiencing self-defeating shame reactions. This checklist may give you some indicator of your shame responses, and how these negative emotions could be holding you back from being your true self, especially as you try to make yourself inconspicuous: –

• Feeling sensitive:After her colleague criticised her presentation in front of the whole team, Sarah felt overly sensitive and took the feedback as a personal attack. She struggled to concentrate for the rest of the day.
• Feeling unappreciated:Despite working late nights to complete the project, John felt his efforts went unnoticed by his boss. He became resentful and unmotivated, fearing his contributions were not valued.
• Blushing uncontrollably:When the teacher called on Amelia to answer a question in class, she felt her face flush with heat. She tried to hide her reddening cheeks behind her hair, embarrassed by her uncontrollable blushing.
• Feeling used:After lending her friend money for the third time that month, Fatima began to feel used. She resented that her generosity was being taken advantage of but didn’t know how to set boundaries.
• Feeling rejected:Tom’s application for the promotion was unsuccessful. He interpreted this as a personal rejection, questioning his abilities and worth. He withdrew from his colleagues, fearing further rejection.
• Feeling you are small or have little impact on people:In the loud, boisterous family gathering, Leila felt insignificant and overlooked. Her quiet nature made her feel small and powerless to make her voice heard.
• Being concerned about what other people think of you:Whenever Aisha walked into a room, she worried about what others were thinking of her outfit, her hair, and her mannerisms. She was constantly self-conscious, unable to be fully present.
• Worrying that people don’t treat you with enough respect: After his idea was dismissed in the meeting, Jamal stewed over it for days. He became preoccupied with the notion that his colleagues didn’t respect his contributions enough.
• Feeling taken advantage of:Whenever Sonia’s neighbours asked to borrow something, she felt taken advantage of. She struggled to say no, fearing they would think badly of her. This left her feeling resentful.
• Wishing you could have had the last word: Duringthe argument with his girlfriend, Ravi wished he had delivered the perfect comeback to have the last word. He replayed the scenario in his head, berating himself for not being quicker-witted.
• Not wanting to seem stupid or inappropriate: During a training session, Liam hesitated to ask a question for fear of sounding stupid. He remained silent, even though he didn’t understand the material, worried that others would judge him.
• Being concerned about failing rather than doing something bad:As she prepared for her final exams, Chloe became consumed with the fear of failing. This anxiety overshadowed her desire to learn, causing her to focus solely on avoiding mistakes rather than enjoying the process.
• Being a perfectionist:Mark spent hours revising his report, striving for perfection. He was never satisfied with his work, constantly second-guessing himself and fearing that anything less than flawless would lead to criticism.
• Feeling left out, different, or like an outsider:At the school reunion, Sarah felt like an outsider. While everyone else seemed to have maintained close friendships, she felt different and disconnected, wishing she could blend in with the group.
• Being distrustful or suspicious:After being let down by a close friend, David became distrustful of others. He found it hard to form new relationships, always questioning people’s motives and fearing they would betray him again.
• Avoid being the centre of attention:During team meetings, Rachel often sat quietly in the back, avoiding eye contact. She dreaded being called upon to speak, preferring to remain unnoticed rather than risk embarrassment.
• Feeling like a “shrinking violet” or “wallflower”:At social gatherings, Jessica felt like a shrinking violet. She stood against the wall, watching others engage in lively conversations while she felt too shy to join in, convinced no one would want to talk to her.
• Feeling like withdrawing or shutting people out:After receiving harsh feedback from her manager, Claire felt overwhelmed with shame. Instead of seeking support from her colleagues, she withdrew and isolated herself, believing she was unworthy of connection.
• Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself to avoid embarrassment:When her friends discussed their plans for a weekend trip, Emma felt left out but kept her disappointment to herself. She didn’t want to appear needy or overly emotional, so she smiled and nodded instead.

If you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, and especially if you were unfortunate enough to have a narcissistic parent, the chances are that your abuser projected their shame onto you (as my brother did to his son above). Before we can combat shame, we must be able to identify it in ourselves, and of course, that will make us feel vulnerable.

This checklist above may give you some indicator of your shame responses, and how these negative emotions could be holding you back from being your true self, especially as you try to make yourself inconspicuous.

Shame Can Be So Powerful That It Can Crush Our Very Identity

Of shame, Brené Brown observes:

Somewhat paradoxically, our bodies often react to shame even before our conscious minds do. People always think it’s strange when I ask them where and how they physically feel shame. But for most of us, shame has a feeling—it’s physical as well as emotional. This is why I often refer to shame as a full-contact emotion. Women have described various physical reactions to shame, including stomach tightening, nausea, shaking, waves of heat in their faces and chests, wincing and twinges of smallness.

If we can recognise our physical responses, sometimes we can limit the powerlessness that we feel when we are in shame.

The Long-Term Impact of Shame

Emotional Consequences: The experience of shame can lead to long-term emotional consequences, such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. When shame is left unaddressed, it can become a heavy burden that weighs on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. It’s crucial to address shame compassionately and constructively to foster healthier emotional development in children and adults alike.

Intergenerational Patterns: Shame can perpetuate intergenerational patterns within families. When parents project their shame onto their children, it can create a cycle that continues to affect future generations. This cycle can be broken by fostering a more supportive environment where open communication and understanding are prioritised. By acknowledging and working through their shame, parents can create a healthier foundation for their children to thrive.

Strategies for Overcoming Shame

Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame. By practising self-kindness and understanding, especially in moments of perceived failure, individuals can begin to heal from the wounds of shame. It’s important to remember that shame is a universal experience, and that self-compassion is a skill that can be cultivated over time.

Open Communication: Open communication within families is crucial for overcoming shame. By creating a safe space for children to express their feelings without fear of judgment, parents can help mitigate the impact of shame and foster healthier relationships. When families engage in open and honest dialogue, they can break down the barriers that shame creates and build stronger, more supportive connections.

Seeking Professional Help: For those struggling with overwhelming feelings of shame, seeking professional help can be a valuable resource. Therapists and counsellors can provide tools and strategies to navigate these complex emotions, offering a compassionate and non-judgmental space for individuals to explore their experiences. Professional guidance can help individuals develop a deeper understanding of shame and its impact, and provide them with the support they need to overcome it.

A Message of Hope: The Positive Aspects of Shame: While shame is often viewed negatively, it can also serve important positive functions in our lives. Shame can act as a moral compass, guiding us to recognise when our actions may harm ourselves or others. It can motivate us to take accountability for our actions and repair relationships when we have caused harm. This corrective aspect of shame encourages personal growth and learning, helping us to avoid repeating mistakes in the future.

From an evolutionary perspective, shame has an important role in maintaining social cohesion. It enforces social norms, reminding us of the importance of community and the need to adhere to shared values. In this way, shame can foster empathy and connection, as it often prompts us to consider the feelings of others and strive for better behaviour.

Conclusion: Embracing Vulnerability:

In conclusion, shame is a universal experience that can have profound impacts on our emotional well-being and our relationships with others. While it can be painful and damaging, it also serves important functions, such as guiding us towards accountability and fostering social cohesion. By acknowledging and embracing our vulnerability, we can heal from the wounds of shame and cultivate a more compassionate and supportive environment for ourselves and those around us. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles with shame, and there are resources and strategies available to help you overcome it. Embrace your journey towards self-acceptance and connection, and know that you have the strength and resilience to navigate the challenges that come your way.

REFERENCE:

1. Borysenko, Joan. (1996). Guilt is the Teacher; Love is the Lesson. Publisher: Hay House.
2. Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing the Shame that Binds You: Recovery Classics Edition. Health Communications, Inc.
3. Breggin, Peter. (2015).  Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions. Publisher: Prometheus Books.
4. Brown, Brené. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Publisher:  Hazelden Publishing
5. Brown, Brené, (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Published: Gotham Books.
6. Gilbert, Paul & Andrews, Bernice. (1998). Shame: Interpersonal Behavior, Psychopathology, and Culture. Publisher: Oxford University Press.
7. Levine, Peter. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Publisher: North Atlantic Books.
8. Levine, Peter. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Publisher: North Atlantic Books.
9. Louis de Canonville, Christine. (2017). When Shame Beget Shame: How the Narcissist Hurts and Shames their Victims. Publisher: Self-Published. https://narcissisticbehavior.net/when-shame-begets-shame/
10. Dr. Kelly. (2011). The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It. Publisher: Avery
11. van der Kolk, Dr. Bessel (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Publisher: Viking.
12. Schwartz, Dr. Richard. (2013). Internal Family Systems Therapy (Second Edition). Published: Guilford Press.