Whether a man or a woman, take care not to give your heart too quickly to a narcissist!
If you are to reduce your chances of being re-victimised by yet another narcissist, then you really do need to learn how to recognize narcissistic traits when you see them. Of course, a narcissist does not have to display all of the known traits in order to be dangerous, however, the rational is, the more traits that are present, then the more potentially harmful the relationship is likely to be. No matter how you have been involves with a narcissist, whether it is a parent, a sibling, a lover, a work mate, a friend, etc., you are likely to have experienced emotional and psychological damage to your own being. You are most likely to have suffered the experience of an escalating abuse; from criticism, to name-calling, humiliation, being shamed, degradation, possibly physical violence, and some unfortunates have even been murdered.
If you are an adult entering into a new relationship, the clues that your charmer is a narcissist is generally there from the start. Whether they are male or female, they will shower you with attention that is way over the top. When they talk to you, you will feel that you are the most important person in the world at that moment. You will be really flattered with the dangerous seduction that will come your way. It will seem like no time at all before they want to spend every moment with you. They will tell you that you are their soul-mate, that you and they are exactly alike, and that you understand them like no other person does. They will want to commit incredibly fast, whether it is romantically, or some other way, like a partnership of one sort or another. They will want to shower you with gifts, flattery and all kinds of promises, and they will whip you up in frenzy. Of course all this behaviour is actually a clue to the shallowness of their emotional attachments, and the fact that you have something that they want (information, skills, knowledge, etc.), you are their next target of Narcissistic Supply for providing them with attention, approval, adoration, admiration etc. Healthy relationships take time to develop, and they are built on a foundation of respect and appreciation, and an ability to communicate honestly, and to have realistic expectations. Once you are hooked, the honeymoon period does not last long with a narcissist, and they are likely to detach from you as quickly as they attached, moving on to their next hot pursuit.
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It won’t be long before you will become privy to your narcissists frightening temper. At first their rage will be indirect, aimed at someone else. This demonstration of their power functions in such a way that it serves to intimidate and control others, including you. You are also likely to witness physical outbursts, like demonstratively putting their fists through a solid wall, breaking or throwing things, hurling abuse; and it won’t be too long after that when you will be on the receiving end of the violence. All of these tactics, along with their scathing criticism of you are designed to erode your self-esteem, your confidence, and give them even more control over you. The more fearful you become, the more they will rule by fear, it is as if their power is an aphrodisiac to them. As a result of the fear you will be subjected to, you will find yourself becoming highly vigilant, nervous and overly sensitive to every threat, walking on eggshells around your captor. The more insecure you become, the more powerful your narcissist becomes.
Bit by bit you will become isolated from all your supports; your family, friends and colleagues. The isolation is likely to happen without your realizing it; it may be through covert and overt acts of criticism in an attempt to turn you against the people you are closest to. Truth is that your narcissist can feel threatened by outsiders influencing you to see through the illusion they have created, so they need to isolate you. Their behaviour will become so demanding that you will withdraw rather than go through this punishing and tortuous interrogation every time you want to meet up with anybody. Friends and family tend to become tired of all the excuses you make, and they step back from you. Before you know what has happened, you are isolated, and job done for the narcissist.
Throughout this crazy behaviour, just to confuse things more, your narcissist switches to being a sweetheart. You see the person you fell in love with suddenly emerge once again. You’re beautiful Dr. Jekyll returns, and the evil Mr.(s). Hyde disappears out of sight, and your heart begins to sing once again. Your guards come down; you move close to your beloved once again, this move towards them melts away all the hatred and frustration you were feeling. You are filled with hope and a renewed optimism for the future, and you cling on with all of your might. But this phase does not last for long, and very soon you are back to the downward spiral yet again, and along with the fear comes renewed criticism from an even more enraged Mr(s) Hyde. It is this duality in the human nature of the narcissist (the “pull and push” behaviour) that leads to the Trauma Bonding (Stockholm Syndrome) and co-dependency needs that is so damaging for the victim. Whatever caused the change to the narcissist’s behaviour, you can be sure it will be your fault, because your narcissist never ever takes responsibility for their behaviour. Ultimately you are the blame; somehow you provoked whatever “bad” happens.
When this madness eventually gets too much for the victim, and they summon up the courage to leave, the narcissists core wound of abandonment is torn open. Unless they want out themselves, your act of rejecting will most likely send them into a panic. They will manipulate everybody into getting you to return to them, they will plead and promise the sun, moon and stars if you will just give them one more chance and you can be sure that for now, the beautiful Dr. Jekyll returns. However, once you are back their grasp around you will become even tighter, and any further attempt to escape will become even more difficult.
The person you once were seems to be a distant memory, just as Echo became a mere “whisper of herself” in the Myth of Narcissus, you too are becoming a mere shadow of your former self with each day that passes. Your personality begins to change; the interests and activities you once pursued are cast aside in order for you to focus on your narcissist’s needs and wants. You start to avoid company, because the price you have to pay each time is too high a price on your moral. Your narcissist makes sure that they will embarrass you in front of company if you appear to be enjoying yourself too much. In time you find yourself with nothing to say, you are becoming something you despise, a doormat. The worst thing is that you know that your narcissist also hates who you have become, and shows that in their total lack of respect for you. No matter how high you jump, the bar keeps being raised, and you surrender to the fact that you can never be good enough. Your sense of worth and esteem is so eroded that you begin to believe that nobody else would want you, so you die inside. You are now at the mercy of the evil Mr.(s) Hyde. Your only goal in life now is to fulfill your narcissist’s sense of entitlement, to live by their rules and laws, and keep your head down to avoid being punished at a whim. You have been exposed to the psychological been truly gaslighted. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim’s an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. In effect, being in a relationship with a narcissist is the equivalent of being in a cult.
If you finally managed to break free from your prison, then very well done to you, because many victims never manage to do so. The thing to look out for now is that you don’t allow yourself become re-victimized by another narcissist. You are conditioned in the narcissist’s convoluted dance, so they will be attracted to you like a “moth to a flame” as a source of new narcissistic supply. But you are a wiser person for your experience, as they say, “what does not kill you makes you stronger”. You really do need to learn what it is about you that make you vulnerable to being snared by a narcissist. Once you work that out you can protect yourself against being hooked again.
When entering a new relationship, take your time to become an anthropologist. An anthropologist studies the behaviour of the person in their culture in order to understand them. The job is not to change anything, but just observe. When you meet people, just observe the person to find out what kind of personality they have, you don’t have to judge them or change them; just know what you are dealing with. Watch how the person treats others in the course of the time spent with you, because if they act uncaring with others, that is a very good indicator of how they are likely to treat you later on. The honeymoon period is going to be fabulous, that you can be sure of, but it is what follows that you need to worry about. Watch how they behave with neutral people, for example, in the restaurant, in the theater, how they talk to people who serve them in shops, etc., these can act as “red flags” of whom this person truly is. If the person is a narcissist they will be acting out of a False Self, and while they can keep up the pretense for a short time while they win you over, they will not be able to be consistent with the other people around them……. watch for the mask to slip. If they show superiority over others, speaking down to those people they perceive as inferior, then let me warn you, that once they have you in the palm of their hand, you can expect the same treatment. Listen to how others speak of your new friend, especially those who are in more intimate contact with them. What are they saying, do they see them as having integrity, or as being two-faced? Be cautious if they are showing signs of being a Jekyll and Hyde, and watch to see if the Hyde personality is becoming more prominent as time goes on. Watch to see if they encourage your independence, and self interests, or do they tend to dampen your ardor. Do they consider the opinions of others, do they show empathy, do they come across genuine in their exchanges with others. Watch out for any gaslighting behaviour toward others, how they behave toward “their betters”, so they suck up to them and model their ways, or do they discredit them. These are signs of their inferiority and envy. Do they show respect and care for others, or does everything always have to be about them? Lying is a big part of the narcissist’s behaviour, so my advice to you is to watch out for what they are telling you, then sit back and watch to see if what they said stands up to the test of time.
It is important that you take your time to build any relationship on healthy foundations. Enjoy being treated royally, but watch for any inconsistency with interactions with others before declaring your love. If you recognize the red flags, then you need to heed them. Don’t let your heart rule your gut, let your intuition guide you. If you think this person is really too good to be true, then your spirit is giving you a warning, it may be wise to move on while you can.
I have never been so certain and equally proud of myself as I was just a few weeks ago when I met my male friend’s new “friend.” He had talked to me about how he just took pity on her because she is a vulnerable filipina girl who had been sexually assaulted at a young age and therefore has a problem getting close in relationships with men, so he befriended her and feels the desire to protect her. Well, this male friend of mine is not the type of person a girl like he described needs to be around because he has an asian woman fetish. He got divorced after 30 years and is sewing his wild oats now. Nonetheless, I thought, if this is true, I am proud of him. One day I met her when he invited me over and then told me he had to go pick this girl up because friend of her roommate was at their place and made her uncomfortable somehow or another, so he HAD to go get her and let her stay at his place. I decided to leave, because I was planning on it anyway, and he insisted I stay. I figured I could be supportive, so I did. Another thing he told me is that she is deaf in one ear and wears a hearing aid in the other ear, but it’s still hard for her to hear. (Red flag) I know countless malingerers who use this trick because it is very easy to fake partial deafness, plus you get a state disability cheque for having this condition. Well, having a degree in speech pathology and audiology, I was very familiar with the idiosyncrasies of deaf and partially deaf people and there are just some things that truly hearing impaired people can’t help but do, and a few things they don’t do. She failed with flying colors. She’s not deaf at all. She didn’t even behave one bit like she had any pitiful post traumatic disfunction. She flitted around like a boss, telling my friend where he should take her on their next excursion and how he could spend so much time and money on her, occasionally looking at me and saying, that would be a great way to spend the day, don’t you think? I said, “well, sure” in a soft tone, which looks like “bullshit” as well. For a deaf person trying to read lips, they wouldn’t be able to tell except by facial expression. She reacted correctly, even though I was on the other side of the room and didn’t raise the volume of my voice. Throughout the evening she would engage in conversation as normal but at certain points, without reason, she would say, “what? I didn’t hear that.” then my friend would repeat himself only slower and very loudly, and she would shake her head and stand up and walk right up to him and lean her ear right up to his mouth while he obliged and repeated himself, to which she would let out a seductive sigh and smile at him, then sit back down. I noticed he was smiling bigger than I had ever in our 13 year relationship constantly. This man doesn’t smile except when he amuses himself. Part of me wanted to say, well it’s really great that he met someone who brings him this kind of joy. It was a pleasure to see him with such a happy smile, but the other side of me butted in and said, why the shenanigans? She isn’t deaf, and she clearly forgets to act like it and has to stage these ears slams into his mouth occasionally to reestablish them. At one point I was talking to my friend and building up at funny story when she re-entered the room talking up a storm at a normal conversational volume (something that people with her condition can’t do very well at all) as if she was planning on claiming that she didn’t mean to be rude, she didn’t know I was talking. She didn’t have to explain because my friend ditched my story and clamped onto hers. This was the last straw in many little things she was doing that had my gut punching me in the face, while my psyche was concerned about not coming off in a way that my friend would be proud of. Then I told my friend that she seems normal to me, I don’t want to stick around because I am uncomfortable. I had a slight problem of my own, A fire in the hills where I live was about 100 yards away from my building and I was forced to evacuate with just the shirt on my back and I was also trying to heal from a serious skin infection and left my medicines in my apt. The all clear was given when the wind shifted away and we were allowed to return, but both of them stood side-by-side as if to be my parents in a united front and said, No! The smoke is still there and it’s unsafe. Now it is he and she heading the situation and I was the one who needed them to look after me. Mind you, she is easily 20 years younger than both of us, and I know what 30+year-olds think of 55+ year-olds, and she was going to milk that advantage for all it was worth. She knew I wasn’t buying her shit and suspected i was probably trying to give my friend a heads-up, so she had to keep me there to exercise her power to pursued me, and she got him to play along. She said, “You’re not going home, you are staying right hear with us.” and my friend said, “Don’t try to fight her, you won’t win” All as if they were declaring their undying concern for me, but I knew exactly what it was. A reversal of authority. “With Us?” Don’t tell me this is a vulnerable, pitiful, innocent young girl who let a boy chase her out of her own apt. by flirting with her. She’s a god damned sociopath. And she DOES NOT have a hearing disorder. My friend thinks I am being way too sensitive, insisting that she truly “cares” about me. He said, “she told me that she thinks you are pretty.” So the hell what? Like I am slurping up any compliment I can get? Of course I’m pretty. So is she. I had no thoughts of saying that about her. It was obvious. Sociopaths are notorious for stating the obvious. I’m not all that pretty, but she wasn’t going to say I’m average. The only thing she had to say about me that would make her out to be the good one is to comment on an older woman’s looks, because we are starved for compliments, right? Pfft. Once I peg you as a sociopath, I don’t give an F what you think of me. I am comfortable and quite happy with myself. This brings me to red flag number ?? (by now I have lost count). She then began to ask me what was troubling me, in a tone that sounded like a good actor in a caring role. More staging- because if she was who my friend said she was, I would expect her to be waiting to see how we could help her, but she was doing everything in her power to say the right things, and now she is offering me help with my soul because I was rightfully preoccupied and worried about everything I owned being burnt to the ground as we spoke, then I was needing my medicine. My friend looked at me like “Aren’t you impressed? she’s a kind, loving girl who wants so badly to help you. She knows who you are to me. I told her all about you.” Well good grief! Way to go Einstein! I knew I was going to be eaten alive at this point and there was no way out without appearing to be totally negative. If I left, I was going to be subjected to this bullshit all night and if I left, my friend would say, “i never saw you like this before. You embarrassed me in front of my sad little fragile friend!” So I took that latter route and said, thank you for everything, it was nice meeting you. I’ll see you later. And I left. Everything went downhill from there and I am rejoicing for it not being one bit my problem AT ALL. I don’t even think I lost a long-time friend. I think I offloaded a narcissist magnet and spared many more when girls come and go in his life and are challenged by our friendship. I told my friend everything I think and he started to defend her and insinuate it was all me. I cut him off and said, I’m not trying to discuss this, I’m just telling you why I’m giving up on you and moving on. Have fun. I love you. But I will do it remotely. She’s an asshole, and she’s not deaf. Goodbye. I miss him, but he is a sociopath magnet, and this girl was the second one who suddenly appeared in his life. The first one I had to be tormented with for 2 1/2 years before he finally agreed with me and left her, Now he’s having a go a second one, and I ain’t goin’ there this time. I can’t waste another minute of my life with sociopaths and those who fall hook line and sinker for them.
Hi Christine, Thank you for this article. I read about everything you have written on your site. It is really helpful to me. I feel stuck at the moment.I think my neighbour might be a narcissist. He was overweight and had surgery. He now craves the attention of women but keeps on talking about his ex-girlfriend. I was foolish enough to tell hem about our neighbours from the second floor who were causing heavy noises in the night with their doors. I had to involve the police to negotiate to resolve it. It was quite for 4 months during the night. Het buys things for me and i am confused with the lying, that not wanting contact, then looking for contact so that he gets help for his dog. And lately, conflicts have started with the people from the second floor.I don’t have contact with them, he does and they are fully going along with stories he tells about me.
I had only told him the noise was back and had to address him fro when he was making noise with his door after 23hrs. He stopped his noise but it looks like he is behind the drama.
I have not yet talked to the neighbours on the second floor.I feel i will not get anywhere because they are totally taking in with his stories about me.
i feel isolated from the rest.
But when i started seeing these links i made a decision not to talk with him expect a hello and keep my distance.
I do not see how i can do anything different at this time.
loving greetings, Wendy
So many excellent comments and responses from all of you! I happened upon this site as I am learning more about dealing with and surviving narcissists. Christine, thank you so much for sharing your expertise and providing your information and this forum! Bex, you wrote one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, I suppose, because it mirrors many of my insights and strategies for dealing with these toxic people in my family, workplace, and friend groups.
The keeping of a diary for most of my life has helped and protected me so much also. It has given me a safe place to “vent”, start to notice patterns not only with the narc’s but in the ways I seem to attract them. Once I gained more knowledge from websites like these and good books, I began to gain skills in “naming their games” (privately) and then outsmarting them at work. I worked around them and found enough allies and tech ways to get the needed info. and get my work done.
Later on, as my narc. parents were ill and close to dying, I found strategies to deal with the Flying Monkeys (the allies of my narc. parents who loved to “pile on” and harass and insult me). I thought very carefully through how I could honor my own right for a dignified, healthy existence and still do the necessary things I wanted to do for my family, not just my parents, and for myself regarding their illnesses and deaths. I stayed in a hotel to have a place of my own each night, I told the funeral director that our family would have a private funeral for my dad, and many other things to help reduce the cruelty of these aggressive allies of my parents. They like to kick a person while down and believe and spread lies.
Then, later, I began going through my old diary entries, like you did Bex, and it helped show me how this all came to be, over time, with the various narc’s in my life, past and present. I’ve started being more confidently aware I could handle these narc’s and stop them by responding neutrally and with a truthful comment about what was/is REALLY happening. The truth scares them. I’ve started chuckling a bit and saying “Oh, so you’re going to gang up on me now?” or something similar when a young family couple tries to goad me on politics or religion or my house or dietary views that differ from theirs. And, most of all, I do find peace and happiness without these narc. people whenever possible! But, when I do have to deal with them, armed with insights and knowledge about their narc. games, it can be just a little bit FUN shutting them down as they launch yet another unsuccessful attack! Thanks for all of you for an excellent website, sharing your expertise, and your stories!
I see those things happen all day too. It’s somewhat frightening.
Thank you for sharing what you did. My breath got a bit deeper and I relaxed knowing someone else sees the narcissists crimes.
I started keeping a journal around age 8 and I never stopped. It was my safe haven for letting out all the muck building up around me, inside me. It listened for as long as I needed, never interrupting, never judging, always allowing me free reign to go on and on about whatever I needed at that moment, to go on and on until I got it all out.
And getting “it” out was – and is! – so… Life-Good. Shovel out their blows to your sense of self. Allow your true self to flow right back into that now-available space. You never have to carry any of “it” with you anymore, that backpack full of muck, and if you need to go back and get it, you always can, and in the context of your experiences when they were freshly in mind.
And it becomes a tool for unraveling their distortions of past situations, their denying said past situations ever occurred, their confusing, nutty behaviors swirling your world into a psyche tornado. Now, you have an absolute ally, a trustworthy source for validating your reality, a trustworthy source for reaffirming your reality. It can be a slippery slope into your world coming apart at the seams, only now you just flip through your pages to the beginning of said slope, and the pieces and parts of their little mani tactics and machinations seem to just jump out of the page at you, forming a neat little set of dominoes. What was incomprehensible before is now something YOU have a handle on. You’ve given yourself a gift of perfected hindsight, and all of those things you’ve forgotten about in passing return to mind to validate your suspicions and put your panicked, worn soul at ease.
And all of those things that were surely too absurd to be true – You Must be crazy! – all of those things likely to elicit a, “You Must be crazy!” response if you were to confide in others – you can explore them, all of them, within the safety of your pages. And so many times, too many times to ever avoid doing so again(!), I’ve allowed myself the freedom to free reign explore really terrifying things – potential proof I truly.am.crazy terrifying things – only to come out on the other side with a deeper level of awareness regarding how, what and why they do what they do – and that awareness is worth it’s weight in gold, because –
One day, you wake up and you’ve found it’s all become kind of, dare I say(?) – FUN! The psychic trauma of narcissistic abuse is never fun and it is never okay, but after years of trying “everything possible” to somehow co-exist decently with narcissists in the next cube over – or the narcissistic variations sprinkled throughout the family tree, coming together for yet another year of holiday narcissistic trauma, Super Bowl style – or the, “OMG how did I end up in a relationship with yet another one of these ?!? I wonder if trying ‘this’ this time would work as opposed to trying ‘that'” – you come to a place where you not only *ping!* to the earliest signs of yet another narc (After decades of “How did I not see it ? It was there in the very beginning!” self-flagulation) –
You come to a place where you’ve learned how to return their muck right back to them, right there and then, in real time. You don’t even need to journal about it and you do so any way because you’re really friggin’ proud of yourself! You’re finally overcoming these psychological destroyers!
And then you come to a place I’ve dreamt of since age 8 – an easy breezy comment from you strikes straight to their core wound, absolutely their worst nightmare realized – a strike THERE hurls them back to the moment that wound was first inflicted, all of that terror and powerlessness floods and overcomes them, and your lifelong aggressor has regressed to his early childhood before your very eyes. He’ll never f*ck with you again – the potential ramifications are far too terrifying, intense desire for vengeance be damned.
And now it doesn’t matter anymore if your next job has a narcissist in the cube over or if your ex CIA psych-ops is in town. You don’t have to worry anymore, because now narc attempts to break you are just great opportunities to really make them think long, hard, and twice about what CAN happen when they try and make those attempts again on someone who, once upon a time, was you.
SUCK IT NARCS! 😀
I have had a lot of instructors who exhibited narcissism, and I have had a number of employers, and a lot of coworkers, and even employees who have exhibited narcissism. And the thing they all have had in common is that they test you. It seems common in our society that people test others to see where their boundaries are and to determine what they can get away with, and if you let them get away with an inch, it is like they experience immediate ego inflation and they will be try to walk all over you in no time flat. They are not governed by moral principles, but they are basically immoral and they must be contained or they will be all over you. They say that water follows the course of least resistance. The same can be said of evil. I had one coworker, for example, who was not dong what he was supposed to be doing, and so he wanted to find a scapegoat to have at hand at all times, to shift negative attention away from himself, while crediting himself with the small positive things that were going on around him, by calling attention to them, and taking credit for them, though his only involvement was in the fact that he was taking credit. And then he was quick to disparage people he was envious of, while doing his damn best to make certain that no one noticed the glaring flaws he was trying to hide. When we are for people, and not against them, we do not scrutinize them for flaws and weaknesses, and this guy took advantage of that. At the same time, he took advantage of my own self critical nature. I don not know how people date or marry narcissists, as it is totally self destructive, but I wind up with these people in my life from time to time, owing to the fact that family members have this trait, co-workers have had this trait, and instructors, or employers have had this trait. Back to the co-workers, when I bought a new car I did not think a big deal about it. People do it all the time, and my vehicle was a modest one to begin with. Right away I started receiving comments, it was as if the fact that I bought this car alarmed them, like a bee started buzzing around inside of their brain, causing them distress. After one co-worker knocked my car for the third time, I finally thought to myself, well, what kind of car is he driving that he keeps talking crap about my car? I am not a mean spirited person, and it took a couple of weeks just to gather a sense of psychological self defense, because, while I do not identify with the car I drive, he had begun to wear away at me, which was his intention. Do you know, the guy was driving a vehicle that was at least 12 years old and had several MAJOR dints in the body? It looked like someone had kicked his door in with combat boots, and I guess someone did. And I had never noticed it before, because I do not go out of my way to look for things to put the next guy down so that I can feel one up on him. But I damn sure pointed out how beat up his car was, but not in a hostile way, but just to let him know that I was on to his bs. Another coworker told me no fewer than 12 times that I bought a “cheap” car. He had never owned a vehicle in his life. He was so caught up in envy, that a few weeks later he went out and leased a vehicle, at which point, he began declaring that he had “bought” a car, and he declared this in front of a lot of people, full of enthusiasm, smiling from ear to ear, and absolutely beaming. But he had NOT bought a car at all. Insane! And, then another person at the same job came up to me and began telling me how much he liked his car, while he was staring at my car, and then he described how much power his car had. The problem with a LOT of people is that they are always comparing what they have with what other people have, and they want to feel that they are one up. I never gave what anyone else was driving a second thought, although if someone owned a top end luxury car, I sure appreciated the design and styling, but it never made me feel less than, or like they had something over on me. But, with these people, it was like they felt threatened and like they had to say something to try to put me down, and I sure as hell did not view them as my betters, but had tried to perceive them as co-equal fellow employees. And there is something to even that, because I have found that when you view people as equal, they do not always see things that way, they view the relationship as a struggle for who is most dominant, who has the most status, who has the most power, and it is all so petty because there is no dominance, status, or power in these relationships worth fighting for, but you cannot convince them of it. It is like they have been downloaded with faulty, virus laden software. Let’s face it, if people were shoveling cow manure for a living, they would do their damnedest to create a hierarchy among the sh-t shovelers, and feel power even in that! That is what makes it all so insane! And you can run into countless elderly people, one foot in the grave, and they have not matured beyond their programming. They can be worn out, wrinkled, shrunken, and they are still trying to knock the next guy in an imaginary battle to be king or queen of the dung heap.
Observe how they treat other people…
The other day, I explained to a cab driver that I was heading straight up the street, made a direct hand gesture in the direction I was heading in, gave him the name of the landmark which was on that very street and in the direction I intended on traveling in, the cab driver repeated the name of the landmark, nodded that he understood, I got into his cab, opened a newspaper, and in several minutes it dawned on me that he took a right turn in the OPPOSITE direction! I corrected him at once, and was polite about it. Next, I appeared in my dentist’s office, spoke with his receptionist, only to discover that my appointment was not for that hour of that day, but on a much later date, nearly two weeks away. Strange, because the dentist has given me the time and date by email two weeks beforehand. Apparently, though he gave me the time and date, he failed to forward the email to his receptionist so that it would actually be posted on his schedule. I calmly accepted a reschedule. I then went to visit a cafe, ordering a meal with a salad, plain rice, and no cheese or dairy products of any kind, to go. The waitress, on receiving the order looked inside of the package, paused, then placed it in a bag for me. When I opened the bag, I found that instead of a salad, it contained vegetables, instead of rice, there was a serving of beans, and of course nearly everything had grated cheese on top of it, so most of it ended up being thrown out. Because I did not eat half of the meal, I went off to buy a couple of portions of a kind of bread cake. The service worker went about getting the cake, and I was glancing at the TV screen in the place, but I noticed out of the corner of my eye another employee in the place staring at the woman who was placing my food in a bag, so I took a quick look at what she was doing, and what she was doing was taking advantage of the fact that I was looking off in another direction, so that she could garb the food in her bare hand, without my awareness, and place it into the bag. She then said, “Here we are, love”. And I knew by gut instinct that the woman’s hands were NOT clean, and that is why she did what she did, because she knew her hands were not clean! I could have called her out on it, but I simply threw the food away, knowing that her co-worker had witnessed what she had done, and likely realized, by the expression on my face, that I was not going to eat it, but that I was simply being far too polite in not calling her out on her actions. The interesting thing is that none of this left me particularly angry, but it did remind me that one has to double check things, keep their eye on things at all times, and never count on people to perform as they should, and to be aware that there are malicious and mean spirited people, who are looking for the opportunity to offend you, even in the absence of your awareness.
Pete,
Really appreciate these additional insights you’ve included above as several of these are the “passive aggressive” very sly characteristics of the narcissists that have been in my life.
I’ve attracted the passive aggressive narcissist — the ones who are “sly” & sneaky & strategically know how to push my “post traumatic stress syndrome”anxiety (one result of my having been born with a narcissistic parent), so it appears they “didn’t do anything” while I’m “over-reacting” to their “games.”
Taking a bit of truth & spinning a feasible story to completely “slander” the victim’s reputation with any & all friends & extended family relatives.
Just pourin out my heart. I am a narcissist who is not a narcissist inside, I started this at 19 years old. Before I wasn’t a narcissist, yes there are – rare – cases like that. I love all of you.
Wow, what an incredible website! Thank you Christine!
I have been reading through most of your articles, and they are quite a revelation. I must admit that I have been surrounded by narcissists through better part of my life, most likely due to having been raised by two such parents. I have invested all my life energy into being myself, rather than a copy of my parents, but I never knew what their behavior was named – until now.
To help me cope with narcissists whom I had to tolerate, I have been writing a diary of sorts. In it I wrote observations about how they manipulate, and what kind of games they play. Here are some more early signs I have observed among narcissists:
– Observe them in challenging situations. Narcissists tend to think that life is perfect and that they themselves are perfect (or that they have it all “figured out”). Therefore, when things go wrong, they tend to blame others (either openly or in a passive-aggressive, indirect way). One thing they cannot stand is unpredictability of life – they have to be in control at all times, or at least live with that illusion and anything that proves them wrong in that respect tends to make them very angry (at whoever is closest at the time). And when they are proven wrong about life, they tend to make wrong conclusions: “so that means that all blacks/whites/immigrants/salespeople/doctors are evil…” or “all women are the same” or “never trust an employee” and so on.
– See how they solve problems. Narcissists are overly focused on “image management” – they want to leave a good impression, an impression of infallibility. They are disinterested in what caused a problem in the first place. Therefore, their solutions are shallow but leave an impression of being effective. Someone who is not a narcissist will always be interested in causes first, in order to remove the causes and problems that stem from those; not narcissists – they are simply too immature to see beyond effects.
– Passive-aggressive narcissists are the hardest to figure out. They may pretend to be certain way for years! A woman or man may be the best spouse, until a child is born. Once that happens, they will likely use the child as a leverage to manipulate their way through the marriage, constantly raising the bar of “what will make me happy”.
– They tend to be incredibly charming and great communicators when talking about things that are not personal or important; but when it comes to expressing their true emotions, they have a hard time – especially when they are arguing. They tend to shut down and if pushed will most likely keep quiet or try to change the subject (while concluding that you are crazy).
– They are liars, but some of them only lie when they absolutely have to and keep the pretense of honesty for years.
– Since they are liars, they tend to over-emphasize their “virtues” as in: “Oh, I would NEVER do that!” (but they would do many other things!) Normal person does not need to make such a strong statement about something that is bad behavior.
– They have a hard time with logic. A narcissist who always thinks that he or she is right, and others are wrong, will have a hard time admitting that they cannot be possibly right 100% of the time for instance. Bringing this up may confuse them at least temporarily.
– They suffer from many “cognitive dissonances”. They will promise, for instance, to love their spouse “in sickness and health” but will accuse the spouse of “faking it” as soon as they get sick.
– They project on others what they are themselves. This may be the best way to see through a narcissist. Their accusations are almost always projections: “Wow, you are judgmental”, or “You only think of yourself!” and so on.
– They lack deep understanding of anything, but behave like they understand everything really well.
– They are often attracted to powerful things and/or people: big (loud) cars or motorbikes, weapons, loud rock or heavy-metal music, strong and super-spicy foods, expensive clothes, tattoos. This is not a sure sign, but seems to be more frequent among narcissists.
– They seem to always have an addiction, but can keep it a secret really well. I know a few narcissists who kept their secret well away from everyone they were close to: from drug use and OCD, to homosexuality and promiscuity. If they abandon one type of addiction, they usually replace it with another.
Hi David, I am sorry your girlfriend has these serious illnesses (if she is not lying about that), however you describe narcissistic behaviour very well as you tell your story. Unfortunately you are not really in love with this woman as she is in her meanness, I know that from what you are saying. You fell in love with the “illusion” that she spun you in the idealization stage, when she was having the rush of a new relationship. But of course, she was never going to be able to kept that up, they never can.
I hope you are strong enough to make the break now, because I think you know that what you are seeing is the real personality she has, a pathological narcissism. She probably does want you in her life, but on her terms, where she has all the power and control. They value their narcissistic supply, but they get very bored, that is why she needs all the secrets, and adventure of her weekends without you. One thing you can be sure of, if she is a narcissist, then you will continue to get more of the same behaviour towards you, until either it breaks you, or you break her, or you get out. Best of luck in the future. Christine
Hi Christine
I am so glad I stumbled across your website.
Last week I decided to finally walk away from a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. This was due to her unbearable, worsening behavior and me starting to question my own sanity. I had been putting this behavior down to health problems that she suffers from and other things, which are detailed below, but after doing some research I was convinced these serious health issues were not the reason for her ‘wild’ behavior and actions. I could of course be totally wrong but I now feel strongly that she exhibits many traits of a narcissistic woman.
She is a professional woman in her mid 40’s and I am 49. We met on a dating site. She owns and runs a hair salon. At the start everything seemed perfect. She appeared to be a very strong and confident person. After a few of weeks she confided in me that 15 years ago she had been diagnosed with Dystonia in her left leg and that 10 years ago she had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. She was crying as she told me and said if I wanted to walk away then she would totally understand. I was quite shocked. There were absolutely no visable signs that she suffered from either of these. She told me she was taking a ‘cocktail’ of around 20 tablets a day which kept both conditions under control. I was aware of what the future could hold when one or both of these diseases deteriorated, which was highly likely. By this time I was falling in love with the woman and assured her I was going nowhere and would stick by her no matter what. In the almost 2 years we were dating I could see the Dystonia and also the Parkinson’s very gradually deteriorating but in no way did this make me want to leave her. It was her seriously abusive behavior and her actions that I simply could bear no longer. I now feel extremely guilty for leaving her and I pray that she will be able to cope on her own with the Dystonia and Parkinson’s. I think it has been this feeling that always made be go back to her in the past after a break up. A lot of the time things were fantastic between us and our sex life was great. But I often felt like I was walking on eggshells and all could quickly change in an instant.
She has 2 children in their mid 20’s, neither of whom live with her. I was always curious to know why she never married their father and she never, ever mentions any ex boyfriends. She has always had a strong desire to get married and from the start she frequently talked about us getting married in the not so distant future.
Right from the beginning of our relationship and indeed every single time we met she would remind me how lucky I was to have met her and be dating such a beautiful and wonderful person. Every time we were out soializing she would tell me she was the most beautiful woman in the bar, restaurant, hotel or wherever we happened to be. Every single day, even after almost 2 years, she would remind me how much better she was than my ex wife and ex girlfriends, often launching into a loud aggressive character assasination of each of them.
She told me that she was like a ‘celebrity’ in her local town and that everyone was watching her every move and that everyone was extremely envious and jealous of her. She would run down all other hair salons and hair stylists and told me that she was the best and no-one else came close to her talents. She began to tell me what I must wear if we were to be seen together. If anything good happened to one of her friends she downplayed it, although I felt she was actually very envious. On one occasion her friend sent a photograph to her phone of a pair of Gucci shoes that her husband had just bought her for her birthday. My girlfriend appeared extremely annoyed at this and told me I should immediately buy her something equivalent. She was angry when I laughed at what she was suggesting. Then she dragged me into the nearest top designer brand store and asked to try on a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. She then set them beside the shoe box and dust-bag, went and got a Dolce & Gabbana handbag within the store, set it beside the shoes and photographed them. She then sent the photo to her friend saying that this is what I had just bought her… and she said to me… ‘That will teach her not to send me photos like that again, stupid b**ch!’
She always proclaimed to me to be the most honest, faithful, trustworthy girlfriend that I could ever have but I began finding out that some things she was telling me were simply lies.
I was extremely shocked, annoyed and disappointed to find out that when she went to visit one of her best friends, she was ‘sneakily’ snorting lines of cocaine. I had been a little suspicious for some time until I accidently caught her in the act. It was then that I witnessed the first of many of her outbursts of extreme rage. I am very anti-drugs of any kind and told her how disappointed I was in her. I had read that cocaine can seriously affect the medication she was taking for Parkinson’s and Dystonia and in fact can accelerate the deterioration of Parkinson’s. I tried to calmly explain this to her but she launched into the most angry, vicious, verbal attack that I have ever witnessed from anyone. She screamed at me that she would do whatever she wanted whether I liked it or not. These episodes of rage always happened if I had the slightest difference of opinion from her, even over the most trivial of things or if I criticized her in any way at all. I have seen angry people before but never, ever seen anyone go into such a fit of uncontrollable rage and verbal abuse as she exhibited. She would scream at me at the top of her voice, her eyes bulging, almost as if she was possessed by a demon. I was not allowed to speak back. As soon as I spoke she would scream over me. Then she would start serious verbal abuse. Calling me names that I have never been called in my life. These episodes would last around 10 or 15 minutes , sometimes longer, before I was eventually told… ‘F*** off!! And get out of my life, NOW!!’ I am a very calm person and never raised my own voice during any of these scenes and would immediately get up and leave her house when told to.
On another occassion I witnessed her launch into a vicious verbal attack on one of her best friends at a casual social gathering at another of her friends houses. The ‘reason’ for it was that her friend arrived an hour late. However, this friend had been in our company the previous evening and had stated that she would be an hour late as she had to collect her son from an event. But my girlfriend clearly had not been listening to her at the time. It was absolutely ferocious and savage and totally uncalled for. It reduced her best friend to tears. I stepped in and tried to tell my girlfriend to calm down and that her friend had in fact made her aware that she would be late… and what was the big deal anyway that she was an hour late?… it was just a group of friends in a house… others had arrived even later than her. This was like throwing gasoline on a fire and the verbal abuse transferred to me. I was eventually told ‘where to go’ and I left.
All her female friends were much younger than her – in their mid 20’s or early 30’s. A lot of them were single and she would regularly go into the City with them on a Saturday night to party and stay over in a hotel. I was far from happy about this. Sometimes I would plan a weekend away for us but if she wanted a night out in the City with her girlfriends then that took priority and I would have to cancel the plans. One Saturday night she did not even tell me she would be staying out in a hotel. I phoned her about 10pm to see where she was and was subject to one of her bouts of rage. She was clearly drunk and screamed at me that it was none of my business where she was or what she was doing. But what really disturbed me was… she must have thought she had ended the call but the line was still open and I could clearly hear her telling her friend that she was going to order ‘more’ cocaine to be delivered and that she would meet the guy outside the hotel.
The fits of rage became more frequent and over the most trivial of things. I began to think that her behavior could be due to her taking cocaine because I read that it can cause serious mood swings.
Always a few days after these bouts of rage, she would contact me and ask me to meet her for coffee, which I always agreed to. However, the reason for the temporary split was always blamed on me and I was told to apologise, even though I knew it was not my fault. She knew that I was adopted when I was very young and would tell me that I had issues about this and that was the reason for ME starting these arguements. This never made any sense to me but towards the end she had me starting to believe this.
My own friends thought I was mad to keep getting back with her as they were aware of what she was like and could see the drain she was having on me. Eventually I began to hide it from them when I got back with her. My girlfriend said she detested all my friends and did not want me associating with them. I started to feel isolated and alone. I always considered myself a confident person but i was becoming very insecure and started to believe that she was right and I was the reason for the upsets in our relationship. My business was being affected quite dramatically. My girlfriend had no respect for my work. Her hair salon is closed on a Monday and she expected me not to work Monday either even though my clients had urgent deadlines.
A couple of weeks ago, which was the last time that my girlfriend and I got back together, after yet another of her rages, she actually admitted that she was in the wrong to go off to the City with her girlfriends and stay in hotels and take cocaine. She said it was OK for her to go out with them on the very occassional night but in future, when it happened, she would ask me to give her a lift home… and if I had any plans for us to go away, they would be a priority over her friends. I was quite shocked but very relieved to hear her say this and thought that maybe she has seen reason and it was possible for her to change her ways.
This was short lived. We had got back together on the Monday. That weekend I planned to take her away to a lovely hotel in the country that she had always wanted to go to. I told her about this on the Wednesday night. But my girlfriend told me that she already had planned to go into the City with her friends and stay over in a hotel. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I reminded her what she had told me a few days previously and she launched into her usual extreme fit of rage. I was told I am controlling and manipulating and the usual story that it stems from me being adopted. I had enough. I told her I was leaving and that this time I would not be back. I have not heard from her since and I am determined to be strong this time and never go back. But it is going to be difficult. I know she will contact me soon as there is unfinished work that I had been doing to help promote her business. I can not put up with any more of her behavior but I still love her. I miss her greatly, I still care about her, I worry about her and I hope her health does not deteriorate. I would hate to know that she was alone and finding it difficult to cope with everything.
I am still trying to make sense of it all. I am still unsure if the above indicates the traits of a narcissistic woman… or whether her behavior and actions are due to a combination of her health problems, the medication she takes for these… and her abuse of cocaine. Another thing that I am aware of… she told me that although she was very happy as a child she had no friends and always played on her own and that relatives would always be giving gifts to her sister and her twin brother but never to her…. which I thought was awful. Maybe this has had an influence on everything.. or maybe it’s a combination of everything.
I apologise for the length of my writing.
Been on this extreme relationship with a die hardl German arrogant architect that was living with his parents All warning signs including my friends told me that they had seen his mask slip I was single mom with a 16 month old son I was at work as a Exotic Dancer. I am used to all the one liners. I was. 41 first time I met Steffen he told me he was there with a friend because he was stood up by a rich woman who had been a fix up by his sister. I have him my real number. Which I do not do He was by my standards not my type. In other words opposite of my big sexy Hero type more nerdy. That was February 96. He got his way we dated soon after two months we were lovers. Then ten months into our relationship on Christmas Eve he cane over brought my son the present I had paid for a Toys R Us jeep. He took photos then when I asked if he was spending the night he pulled back his hand went to the door almost ran out saying he couldn’t do this anymore he did a burn out in my parking lot. I tried to call him to ask what was going on. He acted like his phone went dead. I never got an answers He called once in February to ask how I was. Instead of hanging up I told him I was sick from a cold. Then in May of 1997 he came into club to give me his new address he moved out of his parents house. He was 31 years old. We are 10 years apart. I saw he lied to me on big & little things He left me after moving in with me only to ask me to get married. I paid for 13 years to cars house bits as I made a lot in Dallas Found out about his cheating on his business trips found his stash of Vigra bottles about six empty bottles that held 100 about ten or more empty boxes of condons handcuffs in red plastic saying I love you. He was traveling to see his high school sweetheart last year. He manged to use both my American Express / and Discover card to about. $15 grand. No intent on paying then back. He hid the $$ boat I bought the house I bought I gave him so I could escape his Gaslighting ways. I and see that he was online looking for woman to replace me I have been blinded by my desire to show the world that I lived a fairytale life. I shut my eyes to the verbal abuse my son now 19 is upset beyond words. I need help I am staying 125 miles from my now ex fast divorce he threw all my expensive furniture in moving van art etc now in ruined stole my collection of dolls (?) the costly glass collection coin collection as the police told me they couldn’t help me. Spent $ lawyers they are useless I am so broken
Hi Dalrae, What you describe is typical narcissistic deceptive behaviour. It is easy for them to be nice for a while, but they are unable to keep this up with people they share space with (as it is a strain for them). This “niceness” is intoxicating to others, but it is part of the seduction they use as a smoke screen to get attention, and be liked.
I see that in his place of business he has a position of being in charge, “His Troops” as he calls his co-workers, and that is quite typical. Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of power are brutal dictators to work under. Most workers are very vulnerable because they need their jobs for income, this vulnerability is used against them by the narcissist because they actually see people under them as inferior….. so little or no respect is given. All the cunning abuse you have experienced in the relationship will be used in a similar fashion in his workplace, but of course it will be better hidden. Those workers who cannot tolerate his controlling behaviour will be forced to concede or leave the job. Your ex’s tremendous power of position and influence in the job will make it hard for them to have their complaints
understood. When it comes to morality, all morality is relative to their desires(whether at home, or in the work-place, etc).
You may have been in relationship with him, but it is very unlikely that he was really in a relationship with you…. his behaviour tells me that (no commitment, he withheld himself from you (no marriage, no togetherness, no empathy for your needs, no intimacy, etc.). Your ex-narcissist sounds as if he tips more towards being a covert narcissist than the more usual overt type, or perhaps a blend of both. However, if you really think about his behaviour you will probably find that he was more charming in the beginning of the relationship…… how else would he have trapped and hooked you. Chances are, if you had first seen him as the man you now see, you probably would not have been interested in perusing a relationship with him.
I would imagine it was because of his seduction that you fell for him in the first place….. his mystique, his aloofness.etc. You need to remember that seduction comes in many guises, and sex appeal is one of their most efficient weapons in their arsenal. They use seduction and sex to conquer, but once they have To them conquering is uppermost, however, once they have conquered they often tend to withdraw emotionally and sexually. Unfortunate for you, it seems that you got the total level of his commitment during this beginning phase (how ever long it
lasted). Women are drawn to his magnetism, and he knows that and uses it to its maximum. Sitting back and allowing the women to make the move is seduction in action. Women are drawn to quiet silent men because it triggers their unconscious mothering qualities…. “vulnerability” is built into women’s DNA, it is what causes us to want to “rescue and protect” our vulnerable children….. setting us up for becoming perfect Narcissistic Supply. Interestingly enough, the woman who does not respond this way towards him will not be chosen by him as a source of supply.
Remember he is incredibly sensitive to rejection, and a woman who would refuse to make him the center of her world from the get-go would cause him to experience his core wound of abandonment….. so he would find some good reason to reject her first.
Congratulations to you for discovering the term “narcissism”, most victims never work out what happened to them, and they often think that they are the mad ones…. they heard that said to them often enough. You need to be gentle with yourself, this form of abuse usually leaves people totally confused and disappointed. Finding out what you have been dealing with is a bitter sweet pill. In some ways things will begin to fall into place and make sense, but on the other hand, trust in one’s own self can be damaged……. “how could I have been so stupid?”, “Why didn’t I get out sooner?”. When we cannot trust our own instincts we are like a boat without a rudder. You will find yourself asking so many questions, and many of the questions will be without answers. These questions are perfectly normal, actually they are all part of the process of healing and recovery. The real question is how could you have known that you were dealing with someone with a personality disorder….. the answer is, you couldn’t!
Take care of yourself, get as much support as you can. Many of the posts on the Narcissistic Forums are a great source of
information. The process of recovery goes in stages, so give yourself a break and be patient in your reovery.
Warmest regards.
Hello Dalrae, What you describe is typical narcissistic deceptive behaviour. It is easy for them to be nice for a while, but they are unable to keep this up with people they share space with (as it is a strain for them). This “niceness” is intoxicating to others, but it is part of the seduction they use as a smoke screen to get attention, and be liked.
I see that in his place of business he has a position of being in charge, “His Troops” as he calls his co-workers, and that is quite typical. Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of power are brutal dictators to work under. Most workers are very vulnerable because they need their jobs for income, this vulnerability is used against them by the narcissist because they actually see people under them as inferior….. so little or no respect is given. All the cunning abuse you have experienced in the relationship will be used in a similar fashion in his workplace, but of course it will be better hidden. Those workers who cannot tolerate his controlling behaviour will be forced to concede or leave the job. Your ex’s tremendous power of position and influence in the job will make it hard for them to have their complaints understood. When it comes to morality, all morality is relative to their desires(whether at home, or in the work-place, etc).
You may have been in relationship with him, but it is very unlikely that he was really in a relationship with you…. his behaviour tells me that (no commitment, he withheld himself from you (no marriage, no togetherness, no empathy for your needs, no intimacy, etc.). Your ex-narcissist sounds as if he tips more towards being a covert narcissist than the more usual overt type, or perhaps a blend of both. However, if you really think about his behaviour you will probably find that he was more charming in the beginning of the relationship…… how else would he have trapped and hooked you. Chances are, if you had first seen him as the man you now see, you probably would not have been interested in perusing a relationship with him.
I would imagine it was because of his seduction that you fell for him in the first place….. his mystique, his aloofness.etc.
You need to remember that seduction comes in many guises, and sex appeal is one of their most efficient weapons in their arsenal. They use seduction and sex to conquer, but once they have To them conquering is uppermost, however, once they have conquered they often tend to withdraw emotionally and sexually. Unfortunate for you, it seems that you got the total level of his commitment during this beginning phase (how ever long it lasted). Women are drawn to his magnetism, and he knows that and uses it to its maximum. Sitting back and allowing the women to make the move is seduction in action. Women are drawn to quiet silent men because it triggers their unconscious mothering qualities…. “vulnerability” is built into women’s DNA, it is what causes us to want to “rescue and protect” our vulnerable children….. setting us up for becoming perfect Narcissistic Supply. Interestingly enough, the woman who does not respond this way towards him will not be chosen by him as a source of supply. Remember he is incredibly sensitive to rejection, and a woman who would refuse to make him the center of her world from the
get-go would cause him to experience his core wound of abandonment….. so he would find some good reason to reject her first.
Congratulations to you for discovering the term “narcissism”, most victims never work out what happened to them, and they often think that they are the mad ones…. they heard that said to them often enough. You need to be gentle with yourself, this form of abuse usually leaves people totally confused and disappointed. Finding out what you have been dealing with is a bitter sweet pill. In some ways things will begin to fall into place and make sense, but on the other hand, trust in one’s own self can be damaged……. “how could I have been so stupid?”, “Why didn’t I get out sooner?”. When we cannot trust our own instincts we are like a boat without a rudder. You will find yourself asking so many questions, and many of the questions will be without answers. These questions are perfectly normal, actually they are all part of the process of healing and recovery. The real question is how could you have known that you were dealing with someone with a personality disorder….. the answer is, you couldn’t!
Take care of yourself, get as much support as you can. Many of the posts on the Narcissistic Forums are a great source of information. The process of recovery goes in stages, so give yourself a break and be patient in your reovery.
Hi Dalrae,
Sorry to hear that you have been on the receiving end of narcissism.
What you describe is typical narcissistic deceptive behaviour. It is easy for them to be nice
for a while, but they are unable to keep this up with people they share space with (as it is a strain for them).
This “niceness” is intoxicating to others, but it is part of the seduction they use as a smoke screen to get attention,
and be liked.
I see that in his place of business he has a position of being in charge, “His Troops” as he calls his co-workers,
and that is quite typical. Unfortunately, narcissists in positions of power are brutal dictators to work under.
Most workers are very vulnerable because they need their jobs for income, this vulnerability is used against them by
the narcissist because they actually see people under them as inferior….. so little or no respect is given. All the
cunning abuse you have experienced in the relationship will be used in a similar fashion in his workplace, but of course
it will be better hidden. Those workers who cannot tolerate his controlling behaviour will be forced to concede or leave the job.
Your ex’s tremendous power of position and influence in the job will make it hard for them to have their complaints
understood. When it comes to morality, all morality is relative to their desires(whether at home, or in the work-place, etc).
You may have been in relationship with him, but it is very unlikely that he was really in a relationship with you…. his
behaviour tells me that (no commitment, he withheld himself from you (no marriage, no togetherness, no empathy for your needs,
no intimacy, etc.). Your ex-narcissist sounds as if he tips more towards being a covert narcissist than the more usual overt
type, or perhaps a blend of both. However, if you really think about his behaviour you will probably find that he was more
charming in the beginning of the relationship…… how else would he have trapped and hooked you. Chances are, if you had
first seen him as the man you now see, you probably would not have been interested in perusing a relationship with him.
I would imagine it was because of his seduction that you fell for him in the first place….. his mystique, his aloofness.etc.
You need to remember that seduction comes in many guises, and sex appeal is one of their most efficient weapons in their arsenal. They use seduction and sex to conquer. To them conquering is uppermost, however, once they have conquered they often tend to withdraw emotionally and sexually. Unfortunate for you, it seems that you got the total level of his commitment during this beginning phase (how ever long it
lasted). Women are drawn to his magnetism, and he knows that and uses it to its maximum. Sitting back and allowing the women to make the move is seduction in action. Women are drawn to quiet silent men because it triggers their unconscious mothering qualities…. “vulnerability” is built into women’s DNA, it is what causes us to want to “rescue and protect” our vulnerable children….. setting us up for becoming perfect Narcissistic Supply.
Interestingly enough, the woman who does not respond this way towards him will not be chosen by him as a source of supply.
Remember he is incredibly sensitive to rejection, and a woman who would refuse to make him the center of her world from the
get-go would cause him to experience his core wound of abandonment….. so he would find some good reason to reject her first.
Congratulations to you for discovering the term “narcissism”, most victims never work out what happened to them, and they often
think that they are the mad ones…. they heard that said to them often enough. You need to be gentle with yourself, this form
of abuse usually leaves people totally confused and disappointed. Finding out what you have been dealing with is a bitter sweet
pill. In some ways things will begin to fall into place and make sense, but on the other hand, trust in one’s own self can be
damaged……. “how could I have been so stupid?”, “Why didn’t I get out sooner?”. When we cannot trust our own instincts we
are like a boat without a rudder. You will find yourself asking so many questions, and many of the questions will be without
answers. These questions are perfectly normal, actually they are all part of the process of healing and recovery. The real
question is how could you have known that you were dealing with someone with a personality disorder….. the answer is,
you couldn’t!
Take care of yourself, get as much support as you can. Many of the posts on the Narcissistic Forums are a great source of
information. The process of recovery goes in stages, so give yourself a break and be patient in your recovery.
Warmest regards.
Christine
My ex was charming to everyone all of the time. Everyone. The only time he showed his true self was behind closed doors, passive aggressive so nobody would hear him, and on the job site when dealing with his “troops” as he called them. He was in charge with a hint of wit when presiding over club meetings but when dealing with outsiders he was always extremely charming, smiling and again witty. I on the other hand suffered significant physical, mental and emotional abuse for a total of 18 years.
The random signs I picked up were his aloofness, coldness, his ability to “shut down” and his ability to show no signs of emotion if anybody got upset around him. He always acted in charge and in control.
He never showered me with gifts. He never wanted to marry me and up until 8 years into our relationship it was strictly weekends only and I would have to visit him. He was regimented and strict with his time.
He was mean with his money and the seduction was his aloofness, his charm and his ability to get the woman to want and chase after him, totally different to your description of a N in the beginning of the relationship.
My ex would just sit back and wait for the woman to come to him and she always did. He was the prize and the woman loved the “something she couldn’t quite put her finger on” “the challenge”. He didn’t have to do anything to win her. He was unattainable and charming. That was enough.
Once she gave him her time and love he would use her for companionship and a date when it suited him.
My ex only needed to take a woman out on a date maybe two or three times before she was hooked. No showering of gifts or promises or nice words. He just had to be his charming self……..
“Watch how the person treats others in the course of the time spent with you, because if they act uncaring with others, that is a very good indicator of how they are likely to treat you later on.”
Everybody wants to feel special in their relationship. That’s what happens when we fall in love—we feel special to a special someone. Your advice however, would have been useful thirty years ago, because what always made me uncomfortable is that “I” was more special than other women.
In fact, other women were lousy yucks except for angelic ‘me’. The way narcissists word this is, “YOU aren’t like other women.” (Or any otherized group of which you are a part).
Now being special felt great and everything, but at the same time, it didn’t feel great because “I” was also a woman which put me in the same category as other lesser creatures. I was a special lesser creature, I suppose.
So I appreciate your point very much, Christine. Pay attention and observe. What a narcissist will do to one person, he will do to all IF and WHEN IT SERVES HIS/HER PURPOSES.
I’m enjoying your blog and just wanted to chime in and say so.
Hugs,
CZBZ