The Narcissists Addiction to Narcissistic Supply:
Lamb to the Slaughter
Narcissists are addicted to a drug known as “Narcissistic Supply“, and it does not matter whether the supply is good or bad, what matters is that the supply brings adulation, fame, and celebrity that is constant, reliable, and predictable.
Narcissistic Supply really refers to those people who provide a constant source of attention, approval, adoration, admiration, etc., for the narcissist. The attention they receive from the “Supply Source” is vital for the survival of the narcissist, without it they would die (either physically or metaphorically), because their weak ego depends on it in order to regulate their unstable self-worth and self-esteem. The narcissist perceives themselves as being very independent. They could not deal with the fact that they need anybody, because needing someone would imply some boundary to their power or imply that they are incomplete. Furthermore, they cannot tolerate any sign of independence and autonomy from their “supply”, this only serves to enrage them. The narcissistic supply is there to serve them, so they try to cement their source of supply into the role they have made for them, and there they remain under the narcissist’s control. Any deviation from this position on the part of their supply will end in punishment for the transgressor. So, like the Queen Bee, the narcissist is surrounded with a hive of worker bees, all in service to their needs, which ironically make them totally co-dependent on others for their survival.
The narcissist’s pattern of behaviour is driven purely by their addiction for admiration and respect from others, it fills their thoughts, actions and deeds, and the source of that supply is not particularly important. As with all addictions, there are good and bad sources of supply, and to the narcissist, any source is better than none. However, given a choice, their first choice would be to pursue the finest sources possible. The best source would depend on how they view the Supply in the first place. If they can get the admiration from a source that they find superior themselves, then that would be even better. So if they admire someone, for whatever reason, for example, their intellect, their knowledge, their wealth, their position, etc., then these people would be really welcome trophies to have notched up on their belt. Of course, they would only respect those people who they would acknowledge as being on a higher social status than themselves anyway.
If they manage to gain admiration from a high ranking, high status person, they will ingratiate themselves to that individual with a clear intention to extract any “greatness” they perceive that person to have. This may be by way of getting information, skills, knowledge etc., which they will then go on to model, as all of these attributes are a further source of power to the narcissist. If they can gleam that which they admire in the other, then they in effect become just like the object of their desire, they are elevated (in their own eyes) to a higher social status themselves. In the meantime, they will continue to extract as much admiration for themselves from the relationship as possible; this bolsters their confidence while they model their new status to the world. However, the narcissist knows that this honeymoon period will be short lived, because once they have exhausted the relationship, and they get all that they wanted they will become bored. Once bored they will be unable to keep up the pretense of being a mutual caring cohort, the false integrated self they presented begins to breakdown, along with their patience to keep up their act of being an ally. Then, quite abruptly and inexplicably, they decide it is time that it is all over, and a quick as the changing wind, the narcissist becomes cold, uninterested and devious.
The narcissist then starts his vicious attack whereby he sets about devaluing his dismissed Supply. The very things that had once attracted them to the Supply in the first place (their innocence, amenableness, humbleness, wisdom, warm-heartedness, knowledge, energy etc) they now despise, and so they use these same qualities against the individual with a hardness and razor-sharpness befitting a warrior’s Samurai sword…. instantly killing them dead without any remorse.
Part of the reason for wanting to kill off the individual is because in order to con them into giving them what they wanted, the narcissist it required to reveal some things about himself. This brings a sense of intimacy which is very unsettling because it makes them feel vulnerable, therefore fearful. After having, what felt like an intimate relationship, naturally the source of supply (the victim) is utterly confused by the sudden change in behaviour toward them. Being treated in this fashion is a very personal thing to the victim, however, to the narcissist is not that personal at all, for they would have reacted absolutely the same way to any other source because, to him, all sources are transposable.
Now that it has been decided that this particular narcissistic source of supply has reached its end, the narcissist behaviour becomes angry, the exchanges become bizarre, lies and punishing behaviour ensues. Because the narcissist is unable to be truly intimate or have empathy, it would not be long before the other person realizes that something is seriously very wrong with how the relationship is going. And as in any healthy relationship, the Supply person, believing that they are both good friends, begins to fight for the relationship and so challenge the narcissist as to what is actually happening between them. When this begins to happen, the narcissist feels rebuffed, and unable to handle the rejection and conflict, they become even angrier. Because they have been through this process many times before, and recognize that the other person is no longer their source of supply for admiration, they want to quit. Also, rather than risk being rejected further, the narcissist wants to move on, so rejects before being rejected. Leaving the other unsuspecting person totally confused. The more hurt and confused the Supply person becomes, the more the narcissist’s sadistic tendencies are rewarded.
Once again the narcissist goes looking for a new narcissistic source, and if necessary they will resort to a lower social network of victim in order to feed the addiction for admiration. They will not be happy that they were rebuffed by their once superior supply; they will feel that having to resort to a lower status supply an insult to their inflated ego, therefore they rationalize that their treatment for the victim was justified. Sometimes the feeling of hitting “rock bottom” makes the narcissist put a stop on their narcissistic pattern, but it is only likely to be a temporarily stay of humility until they recover. Then once someone walks into their sights that interest them, the cycle is likely to begin again.
Like all addicts, the narcissist has to continually replenish his supply. For that reason he has two sources of Narcissistic Supply to draw from; one is known as Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS), the other as Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SNS) (Vaknin). Primary Supply is all about anyone or anything that wins him “Attention”. This attention may come by public means, such as fame or infamy, or by private means, such as admiration or hate. The supply comes on a casual and random basis, and it does not necessarily matter whether the attention is positive or negative; positive would make them happier, but in the long run, one is as good as the other to the narcissist. The source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply comes from those people and things that provide that supply on a regular basis; spouse, family, friends, colleagues, partners, business etc., all of which give them a feeling of security and pride, and the appearance of leading a well-adjusted life. This form of supply needs to be positive if it is to survive, any show of negativity would end in a killing off of the individual, regardless of whom they may be. It is this form of supply that is also the source of reserve for when the primary supply runs short. However, both are used in much the same way by the narcissist.
Narcissists go through two cycles where they are either euphoric, which creates a feeling of exaggerated elation and well-being; or dysphonic, which generally creates feelings of sadness, anxiety, irritability, and restlessness. These states are related to the absence or to the presence of Narcissistic Supply. With the loss of either the Primary or Secondary Sources of Supplies, the narcissist will experience a cycle of dysphoria that will be overwhelming and inescapable for them. When the dysphoria sets in, the narcissist will display mood swings, especially rage, and he will feel (and look) out of control. He is then likely to turn to one of his other classical addictions, for example, excessive shopping, food, drugs, etc., and he becomes even more detached into a world of fantasy and refuses to deal with anybody, instead uses messengers to do his communication for him. At its height his feelings of isolation and self -loathing, he turns inward, and this may well lead to feelings of suicide, he then turns in desperation to his family (his secondary source of supply). Now in a rage, he punishes anyone who he thinks is adding to his pain. At this point he is anti-social, and dangerous, and in some cases, possibly even psychopathic. He will then withdraw into life, what Vaknin calls, narcissistic hibernation (this is the depressive part of the cycle). After some time in this space, the narcissist begins to feel a change, a change that will promote self-healing, and once again the narcissist feels in control and looks to the next achievement. Like a high-energy firework, the whole tiresome business of finding a new source of narcissistic supply begins all over again, and he is energized until the next paranoid disaster comes around. According to Vaknin, this reactive pattern, which he calls the Reactive Repertoire, is the physical dimension of the narcissist’s constant evasion of life and reality.
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
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My children are blaming me for their father’s death (He had characteristics of the dark triad). I guess I did by fighting him in court for what is mine and going “no contact.” He died about two weeks after I was finally able to hold no contact. He left in April 2015, filed for divorce April 2018, divorce became legal separation, I served him divorce papers and contempt on Apil 22, 2019, He died on April 30th. He was about to be held accountable to the court for perjury and contempt so he died. He was 76 and it is not clear how he died. He died alone. There were 13 people at his funeral, all family. The only flowers were from his attorney. The only comment on his “wall” was from his min storage manager. I have read they always do things that have some significance to them. I think we actually met in April. He died as I have read they die. He had nothing to show for 76 years on this year. Really sad and heartbreaking. I am free at last.
The only thing I can say is this….My narc boyfriend walked out the door on Sept. 2nd. He had another girl lined up to take my spot. He never contacted me and blocked my number. This was someone that I spent one year with, every day – in my home, loving this man and treating him really well, all the time. He broke me down, put me down with emotional abuse and physical abuse. the sad thing is that because of Trauma bonding – I missed him TERRIBLY and still think about him. But I have been in no contact for about 45 days now, which is great. I lost weight, i’m feeling better. And honestly – to hell with him. If he hoovers me, I am DEFINATELY not going back that bullshit. The best thing to do is let yourself grieve the loss, go no contact, and when you are feeling better, get out there and start living your best life. The other thing that I did which helped alot was cord release ceremonies – you can google it. I did not do cord cutting, i did the release method as part of a shamanic spiritual healing, it really helped me. Ughhh, the whole thing was so painful. I feel for anyone going through it.
hugs from PA,
michele
This is me to a T. What do I do? Should do.
I got a call from out of the blue a couple of years ago to go work in a municipal court. It struck me as odd, but I took the job anyway.
At first, things were OK. I worked my tail off. I was lavished by praise by the judge. Over time, though, it became apparent that my counterpart had a special relationship with this judge – they were always chit-chatting in corners, while I was doing my job, and other work that was unattended. I thought for a while that these 2 were gay, or that some other attraction existed between them. It definitely was not a manager-subordinate relationship. This counterpart of mine, by the way, was everybody’s best friend, engaging them in deep work gossip. He even had the habit of endlessly texting in the courtroom instead of doing any actual work. This judge went off on me a couple of times when I wouldn’t rat on co-workers.
The counterpart was also an employee in 2 other towns where the judge sits. The judge finally lost his political patronage job when the winds of politics changed. He was crying to me that he was let go because “they played the race card on him.” He acted out like a brat when he left. He left his loyal rat behind and now is trying to get him in to work in the newest court where he is sitting. I wish he would take his rat with him! Watch out for narcissistic supply moles like this jerk….
Good for you! I’m 55 and spent the last 17 years with one. We just separated about a month ago and I have been beating my head trying to figure out the why…..what did I do wrong, what’s wrong with me, etc. I started reading this book called Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northrup and the light switch flew on! Her insight about a narcissistic person mirrored mu life for the last 17 years; describing the abuse, gas lighting, and the narcissistic behavior that I have been living with. I was so validated, relieved and happy,also to understand this personality disorder and the debilitating effects it can have on the victims. I hope you fly high, honey. You deserve it!
Then he gets visitation and mother isn’t always there to act as a buffer for the children.
OMG, I am 58 and just found out what I have spent 4 decades living and loving narcissists, I am so freaking happy to find out it wasn’t me!!! that I am the normal one!!yay! hey, I was his victim, but I am free now, I thought narcissist was just a selfish person. lots of people are selfish, wow, was I was I shocked. now I feel sad for him, he hates himself more than I ever did. he is more lonely than I ever was. No I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am glad I am not him. pray for him.I am so relieved to know I was not the unlovable person he made me believe I was. man! I am happy about that! I am so happy I can walk away with no regrets, all I did for the narcissists in my life was out of love. it wasn’t me. I am happy.
Unfortunately for me I have a director above me with these traits, that has decided she wants me gone. We have never been allowed to use her name when asking her questions outside of our Dept, we can’t forward her email. If she doesn’t like something she won’t tell you, she makes the manager do it. The managers say they never know what to expect, nice one minute a bitch the next. She got married a couple of years ago and made the poor guy give up everything, his house, family business and made him move to our town. She asks for feedback at dept meetings, but cant take the constructive criticism and then makes management put in the APR that your negative, and of course the administrators at her level don’t see it, because she is feeding off of them to elevate herself.
It is easy to say….just leave a narcissistic abusive relationship. Narcissistic abuse is a cycle where victims are trauma bonded and addicted to the abuser. The cycle begins with love bombing followed by devaluation but the victim is hooked and will do almost anything to get that fix hoping the relationship will be like the beginning. This includes the biochemical reaction in the body which is drug addiction. When the victim leaves, he/she will suffer withdrawal symptoms. The only way to get that poison out of your system is no contact. Leaving a narcissistic partner or spouse is the same as trying to quit drinking or stop taking drugs.
Vanessa,
I hope you are feeling a bit better since this post, it’s s long hard road, I know…
Perhaps reading about “trauma bonding” would help you in your recovery?
Best to you,
C
Patrick, do you think there is any hope for people who hare high on the N spectrum?
My partner is one such person, and I’ve been recycling that hope for years — waiting for him to stop lying, predatory flirting, gaslighting, the whole spectrum…
When does hope become folly?
I would love to hear from someone who feels this N-self inside —
Helen
Loving someone is not something bad , it makes us wiser. It would have been shame if we deny it. However, sometimes when things do not work (would never work with n) , we should just go, forgive ourselves and pass to healing step.
Your state should have a divorce proceeding for abandonment. Pursue that. Also stay away from narcissists. You are easy prey because you willingly follow his lead even though you are aware of the manipulation. You need to strengthen this weakness.
Honey he is evil. Evil people hurt others. I know your pain is so much still, but know the one he is with now, will get exactly what you got in time. Pray for her. Pray God will break this mans spirit, and stop his his destruction. You will mend in time.
Take a day at a time. Press on.. Don’t look back..
This is my story. I can’t believe i lived all this, step by step. I beg him to stay in my life… I was about to commit suicide he knows and doesn’t even care. He also know that i have a medical weak heart i can die at any moment… Even this doesn’t matter to him. His eyes while i was begging him… Was so evil. And the new suply arrives at the moment seing me begging him to take me back and he kisses that girl in front of me and go to social media calling her “his queen”. And that girl also showing off calling me the second. I went through hell for 5 months since june 2017 2 day after my birthday to now nov 2017… Im recovering…but i still love him. Im just trying the no contact I block him everywere and he does the same. I guess he is happy with the new gf and doesn’t want me around.
Yes Linda, that is what the research says. However, that is not the case in my therapy room, it is nearer 50% male and female abuse. Most of the research is taken from prison assessment records. The problem is that the research misses out on those who never cross the line of the Law. Narcissistic Mothers do incredible harm to their children, and I get to work with those children when they are adults. Christine
This is a very intriguing story. I believe that in the way this narcissist has lashed out at you he is not only trying to hurt you but get your attention. If you were just another wife there would be no rage, no emotion, no desire to expose themselves. Although the affair are evident, narcissists will constantly make situations appear much more grandiose than they are. By doing this they make their lives much more interesting than the dull life they live. Perhaps the notion of settling down has forced this man into a mental breakdown and they now desire the need to compensate. Depending on how you react to this you can either separate yourself entirely from this man (BEST OPTION) by no longer being a source of secondary narcissistic supply; confront and expose him emotionally (without giving him sadistic satisfaction). In addition you can reinforce yourself as a secondary or even primary source of narcissistic supply. However this would be far too difficult for me to explain the process of doing so as it is completely situational. Keep in mind narcissists are devoid of empathy and could only ever admire someone they perceive to be great and powerful. Although I am this species of human, I will tell you love and mutual respect is never a deal made with the devil unless you’re willing to sacrifice your soul.
I don’t understand why I am so addicted to him & can’t stop trying to communicate with him. I have posted on sites before, but not sure about this one so here’s some of my story. We met 7 years ago, relationship moved very fast ( I thought), he was very romantic the first few months ( never had that in my life), and then it stopped. I never got that again. We were together 6 years & even tho there were many flags, we decided to get married. The marriage lasted a year. He moved me & my daughter’s to another town where I put a down payment on a brand new home & he left us 1 week later. No closure, no communication until a few days later he asked me for his clothes which I was nice enough to do. He got them out & looked at me & said I hate you. You’re nothing but scum. I learned he had multiple affairs throughout our whole relationship, had a phone with dual SIM cards, was paying for dating sites,fabricated his whole life, told me I was his 3rd wife. Found out a few months ago, I’m his 5th. There was plenty of different kinds of abuse that I won’t go into, but I can’t seem to shake him off. I still want communication. He blamed me for everything that went wrong & I have never been apologized to once. I have no idea where he lives, he won’t divorce me,and when I do get strong enough and not try to reach out for a couple months, he uses fake numbers to try to reach me & then my process starts all over again. I’ve never encountered this in my life & really don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Beuler
This sounds like my mother. Life is not about you both as a partnership or a family. The family life is all about what she has not what she can provide for her family. Be a wife a mother a friend it’s all about the next best thing. If someone has what she feels is better than her she will go out of her way to get it and smear them or shun them in the process for no apparent reason. They are bitter, twisted and extremely controlling in all aspects of life. The unfortunate thing is the imprint she is leaving on you and your daughter with feelings of worthlessness, you are never good enough. If your daughter reaches to do her best in school, does well in sport or have time with good friends she has to arrange or put effort in the negative attention will then turn on your daughter as well as you, she will probably use phrases like “your just like your dad” as if this is a bad thing, no it is not if anything making your child feel completely worthless whether directly or indirectly is heart breaking for you. Both of you at some point will be the scapegoat the direction of her anger and abuse and when they want to be loving because she wants something!!! Maybe declare yourself bankrupt, open an account before hand with only your details and have the mail go somewhere else, this sounds harsh but believe me I have been on this side of things where my mother used my details to gain credit as soon as I was old enough putting me in debt. I may be speaking out of tongue and I apologise. I have no contact and it’s been the quietest and best 3 years of my life.
Good luck
Hi Aesha , please find the strength to detach from this poison altogether, if you can gather as much displaying the detrimental mental abuse even filming him in secret. Narcisisitic behaviour never changes if anything it gets worse. If he has lifted his hands to you then the behaviour is escalating. There is no respect because your not feeding his egotistical behaviour in the way his mind works. I grew up with two a mother and step-father and watched the behaviour each displayed towards each other and us as children. It mentally and physically destroys you in a slow process, and people around find them charming and think they are the victim not you.
At least your son has you, but in order to provide him with a strong sense of being you have to build yourself first, try and detach from the marriage, he is still controlling on every level which your son will see. My children don’t understand why I have cut all contact, not only have I two parents displaying this behaviour I have a nana and an aunt as well.
Good luck
sorry – but there seem to be far too many “victims” on here living with narcissists and subjecting their children to them. I don’t like it — get off your behinds, ladies and get out!!!
Get help — you don’t have to do it on your own but don’t mess up your kid’s lives because you can’t work out what to do — I know it is hard — but action IS the answer.
Aesha T – time to get help with getting out.
I lived with one for 2yrs. I knew his behavior was unusual but it wasn’t until he started calling me crazy and delusional that I found out what I was dealing with. He uses our son and the fact that we are still married to control me and my life. I don’t do anything or go anywhere. When I do I cry. I thank God that I saw it before it got lethal. We had fist fight and he’s threatened me multiple time. Even though I know what I know now, I’m still baffled and confused.
Thanks for sharing this article.
You have found your match! You have just described my soon to be ex husband in detail!
Thanks for posting. I was looking for drugs and alcohol in the mix!
Im married to a monster, a covert Narcissist… she is/has been isolating and methodically destroyed my life for years,has deprived me of every joy in life and is now draining our marital assets through her own personal debt, talking 55K+ in 10 months, which is for someone that has $300 month after bills, just a wee bit over the top. I think its all to gain supply, drive me nuts, and to gain public admiration, bolster her image as mom, and at the same time smearing blaming the very debt as my fault.. She hint n taunt, laugh her debt level, ohh by the way my line credit increased 10k, wasnt me; and the while smearing me as deadbeat lazy… using our kid enrolling her in over top programs (we now cant) afford, if I say no ..guess what I validate the smear campaign. I say yes and she increase the cost until it becomes out of control. These people are really evil.
Check out the youtube channel From surviving to Thriving, to see if he really is a narc! If so do what you have to to protect yourself and any kids…
Dear Eva,
Very sorry to hear of your predicament. I know the feeling well and I hate it also.
Unfortunately it takes 2 people to tango and like it or not there is no easy answer. Love is not a one way street. It’s hard to face the music when there is only one person beating the drum. And that person is you.
Your partner may not love you despite what he thinks love means and if he truly is narcissistic then you’re options are limited. You can either stay his puppet and let him treat you like rubbish or you may have to face the music and leave the man.
It’s again not easy words – I know how wonderful it can be to love narcissistic people – i had a girl “friend” who made me feel so terribly special but it was a one way street and she just wanted me to lavish attention onto her and praise her but when that wasn’t forthcoming – the things she would do just went beyond comprehension.
I found myself arguing with her and then her friends over things you would say to a 5 year old. She’d create incidents just to annoy hell out of me so that i would in turn give her attention and then she’d play all charming and i’d begin to praise her and for what? For not beating me?
And because this girl actually “was” so beautiful – everyone saw her side and assumed she must have been telling the truth.
You do – have you have to get out before these people kill you – either emotionally or physically. It’s not easy – it’s going to take courage but true love is a 2 sided affair. It’s rape in the end but rape of the mind.
I wish you all the best finding someone who loves you for who you are and not what they want you to be.
The best thing you can do is study more about narcissism on the internet and then work out a good safe exit strategy where the chance of vengance is low.
God bless you
Dear Tina: WOW. Just…wow. That is very good; you really nailed it! You must have written some other stuff, yes? Your use of binary opposition (ie arrows dripping honey) totally captures the 2-faced, almost alternate-reality of true narcissists. Your style even reminds me a bit of Dickinson! I hope you share your gift with the world. Peace & Joy — L
Christy: NPD has possibly the lowest recovery rate of any disorder. According to the book Walking on Eggshells, even if the narcissist actually seeks treatment for their disorder (a rare thing because they won’t even truly admit to being in the wrong), 86% to 90% do not change their behavior. Things do not get better for their victim. So, seriously sister, get yourself out of this now, while your own sense of self is still intact! These poor people do not change their ways, trust me, I been married over 25 years to one of them. You deserve better! Good Luck — L
Amen. I wrote a reply to Eve, above, that is for you, too. Hang in there — L
Dear Eve: I think you would benefit from hearing about my marriage; over 25 years and still okay! Could you email me (I know I shouldn’t share my email here, but I’ll take my chances. It’s thelizzerd@gmail. Okay? I think my story may indeed help you! Peace Out — Liz in Cali
I’ve been fooled and controlled by the man i truly love.He made confused and made me crazy…there is no amount of love and care that could satisfy him.I treated him like a king ,yet he treated me like a servant.Whenever I ask for a talk to make our relationship work..he will just say WHATEVER.I dont want to hear any,WALK OUT SLAMMED THE DOOR and stayed in his room till he is hungry.I want to save the marriages but its getting harder each day..Please help.
Omg… his name didnt happen to be Tim did it?
I think it happened to me too. I was in an open relationship with a man who was seeing three or four other people. He defines himself as a “relationship anarchist” and has a lot of issues with maintaining close long-term relationships. The only such relationships he has are long-distance and he flits in and out of their lives when he pleases, regularly ignoring them for weeks at a time.
By his own admission, he “shuts down” around “bad feelings”. I’m guessing this is BS to control his partners as these “bad feelings” come out of nowhere and for weeks at a time, and are used by him to justify his treatment of others.
I was with him for a year (he broke up with me over text a week ago after ignoring my messages and disappearing for 2 weeks) and he absolutely started to do the disappearing act on me with ever-increasing length and frequency. He would also withhold sexual intimacy from me when we were together.
He was entirely unable to accept blame or have any accountability without turning it into a pity party for him. He would do the whole “I know how awful I am and I’m going to leave you alone now” thing so that I would end up insisting he wasn’t so bad and begging him to stay.
I think I saw flashes of humanity and a genuine person in him throughout the past year but maybe that was when his false self was especially strong; maybe he really is incapable of that.
He told me he loved me but acted like he hated me.
I just can’t work out if he knows what’s wrong with him or if his actions are all subconscious… either way I feel thoroughly used by this asshole and I can see the only sensible thing to do is run in the opposite direction.
You are not alone. I worked with the somatic, lesser, covert narcissist for two year before we became lovers and everything changed. Previously witty if a little aloof, reliable, helpful I didn’t spot the red flags. Triangulation which went over my head (he was just my mate), future faking with other women, the horrifically abusive way he spoke to his son on the phone, his addiction to his phone.
But now. Omg. 1 year on of being lovers I’ve been run over by the train of abuse. Truly horrific. How people survive relationships with such people for years I can barely imagine.
From within the hour of us having sex he changed. Smirking, a game, cold, difficult to contact, witholding, diminishing me. Just horrible.
And then, after he made the personal mistake of telling me something deeply private about his own abuse as an adult man to immediately, I now realise, take away the focus from me trying to explain my own sexual abuse as a young girl, he felt vulnerable, out of control and began the proper devalue.
In the year we were together he discarded at least 8 times with increasing verbal rage and contempt. A different human being who I laughed with for 2 years.
But that is the essence of it isn’t it. He isn’t different. There is no split. The manipulative, abusive man who triangulates, future fakes, projects all his crap onto me, stonewalls, invalidated and does intermittent reinforcement is the same man I knew before, but without his mask.
Horrific people who walk amongst us.
I am blown away by the descriptions and by the writings of Dr. Vaknin. The parallel between “Narcisistic supply” and a drug provided me with an uncanny illustration that very closely fit a disastrous experience I had with what I now believe to have been a full blown NPD case. I was with this person for three years and believe I met them recovering from their last cycle and were in a depressive cycle and connecting with me triggered their next cycle as I (now in hindsight I recognize) was their “Narcissistic supply”. At some point I started to ask questions about the incredible dishonesty I was observing. At some point this person simply stated “I didn’t realize dishonesty was such a problem for you.” The most difficult experience for me was seeing “the ruse” for what it was and actually being thankful that she’d taken / feasted off of me and I no longer could satisfy her appetites. I also learned that there are NO boundaries with her family. Mother / Brother are both narcisists and that’s the triangle that I stepped into and was quickly dropped like a hot potato. It took a while for me to get my bearings. Life is so much better now. If you are in a similar situation – RUN. DO NOT WAIT. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. IT WILL GET MUCH WORSE. NO ONE IS SAFE WITH A NARCISIST. SEXUALLY, PROFESSIONALLY, FINANCIALLY OR PHYSICALLY. RUN.
The majority of narcissists are men. 50 to 75% men with 25% women.
I usually dont write on forums, however; I habe read so much on this topic because I have fallen victim to such indescribable behaviour. I truly hope that my words resignate with someone in similar situation. As much as I have searched for my paticular horror to ne explained, I habe yet to find it or at least a parallel. I met and incarcerated individual who fits all traits of a man with narcissistic personality disorder and psypathic tendencies. He was a master of decpetion, a pathogical liar and for the short periods my empathy took over anused his rights to my life on numerous occasions. In addtion this individual was a heavy drug abuser severe denial about how his treatment had ostracized him from almost everyone in his life. This young man was a lethal combination of anyones worst night mare. I see all manipulations and have implemented NC. He still refuses to accept it. Get an alarm, change your number and never neloeve a word. I would still be skeptical after years of rehabiltation. These people are sick and if you aren’t educated on anto social personalitu disorder,
I strongly suggest it.
Being a social work major in school, I feel extremely foolish to fall for the whole narcissistic BS. If it were for someone I had just met, I don’t think I would be so silly to fall over my feet and so deep into this mess. However, it was with someone I trusted and someone I knew for many years. He was a friend and eventually turned into flirting which lead to a three month fling. The fling wasn’t the big deal considering lied and said he was married the whole time and not separated. The problem is that I KNEW him. There was no way possible he would treat me this way. The lies, the manipulation, the control. I knew a lot about personality disorders but because he was such a fantastic actor during our fling, I missed the mark entirely. He complained non stop of how crazy his wife was and the emotional abuse, cheating and control that he said she did to him. The whole time, I thought she was Borderline….I failed to pick up on the red flags because I assumed he was being honest with me. I realize now he was projecting. I realized that when I contacted his wife after being tired of the constant doubt, confusion and the dreaded Narc-Fog. I lost myself. I was anxious, hurt, in love, wanted to murder him, drive-bys, drinking too much. At the initial reconnection with him and after dealing with the first complete narcissistic cycle of Idolization, Devalue, Discard, Silent Treatment and eventually Hoover. Back for round two for the cycle to start again. It felt like I was hit by a truck. After the third damn devalue in three months, I started to research his behaviors. That’s when I started to look into HIS words versus his actions and realized they were two entirely different things. One day, he told me he loves me while the next, he’s having a grand old time on a romantic getaway with his wife. Once you realize what NPD is all about, the Narc’s behaviors are so obvious and you begin to see the light. His wife was clearly secondary supply. He did in fact hate her but confessed his love to her on her fb page, took her on fancy trips, but was bored to death because she couldn’t provide constant attention for him. She is educated, owns the house they live in and has flashy cars and is wealthy. He had to borrow money from her to achieve her level of driving his shiny $80k truck and other trinkets that he holds near and dear to his ice cold heart. I was just the primary supply…the one that liked to go out drinking and have a good time. I have no kids, I’m highly attractive and curvaceous. I’m extremely popular but I’m an empathetic as well. A huge sappy compassionate mush ball. He admired that but later threw it in my face as being pathetic and naïve. Once I figured out his “game” I called him out on it. I gave him injury which caused him to rage. Now, after begging for his secondary (wife) to take him back (which she did), I feel rejected, hurt, angry but also happy that I was the primary because for a Narc, it’s always easy for them to discard the primary. I feel bad for his wife because the many times that she kicks him out, he will forever beg his way back into her life. I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with that.
Your comment about waiting to see the 10% nice guy caught my attention as I used to say that exact same thing. I kept waiting to see and re-find that part of him that i had fallen in love with and knew to be good. If I just loved him a bit more, did a little extra for him, worked on myself to be better, bent over backward a little harder – he’d see I really loved him and would love me back just like in the beginning. The truth of the matter is the 90% you experience most of the time is the real side and the 10% you think is just under the surface is only the tool he uses to control you, it’s the carrot he dangles in front of you – it is not real emotion. Read as much as you can to give you the strength to see what it is really going on, so you don’t look back after years and years and realise you wasted all that time and had all that heartache for no real love in return. It is painful, but you will be better off in the end. Hope it helps.
Thank you for sharing this. I am in a similar situation but not quite as bad. We are only dating and just 2 years. I am mentally and physically depleted. I am trying to let go but we as soon as I do here comes tbe 10% nice guy I originally met….
Dear Jeanette,
I realize it was nearly a year ago that you wrote that, but I want you to know how important you are! Through many snares, God helped me to get away from
a psychopathic, gaslighting, and abusing husband after 27 years and 8 children! Ask God (Father, Son/Jesus, Holy Spirit) to give you strength, to bring you to the right people and to help you find a good family attorney, to give you provision, protection, and mental stamina to withstand this man’s onslaught. God is greater, and He cares about you, or He wouldn’t inspire me to write you. It hasn’t been easy for me, and there is healing needed just about everywbere, but the Truth will set you free… And you will break the generational chains of narcissism that would otherwise put so many in bondage. It only takes one person to hold open the door for many to be set free from the slavery of narcissism
Sending you love and support. You deserve kindess, compassion and companionship. Im sending out prayers that you find a way to leave that emotionally absent, damaged, abusive monster of a man. xo
Narcissists ugh!!!! Run as fast and as far away from them as you can. They are not human just like a robot programmed to keep churning out the same BS to whoever will listen.Not worth the time of day NC is the only way to go with these jerks. Mel x
I am reading this because I googled self-projecting and gaslighting. My mother has been doing this to me my entire life. She went on this rant about narcissists about 2 or 3 years back. I wonder if it’s just something else on the sly. Like hey look at me pointing it out and you’re too stupid to see. I’ve been caught in her cycles ever since I was old enough to exhibit signs of my own personality, my own life. we have had some of the most ridiculous fights…and it never stops. it may be okay for a while…but it’s always short-lived.
I am so heartbroken as I read story after story of the same things I’ve also experienced. 20 years I’ve been with my husband altogether. Married for 14 with 3 children. I was neglected, mocked if I cried, lied to, raped ( which he never would agree that it was rape because ‘ how can you tape someone you’re married to’, compared to some imaginary picture of perfection, made to feel it was my job to make my husband happy but he didn’t try to make me happy and if I ever did do right, I didn’t do it enough.
I am by nature a people pleaser. I deny myself my own basic needs and do for everyone else. He totally banked on that and had me so brain washed for years. He was addicted to porn for at least 15 years and may still be. He likes to push my buttons to get me undone and point out how ‘ crazy ‘ I am.
We had a very spiritual connection in the beginning and I always held on to hope that it would one day return. He has cried at times and thrown me a few crumbs of hope a year to keep me believing it’s real. That change will come. But it never does and I just keep getting older. I used to make good money cleaning houses but I quit when I had the kids. He has always held it over my head how he makes the money. One of our kids has autism ( which I was blamed for his behavior before an outside source told him to his face of our sons condition ). My other son started having seizures as well. He has been zero support emotionally. He says all the right things but when I actually need the support, forget it. There’s always an excuse. Everything is fine and dandy as long as I don’t have any needs.
And trying to talk about things that are bothering me??? Are you kidding me? It was such a waste of time and energy as he would always turn everything back around on me and twist my words. He is extremely passive aggressive and I always feel his resentment toward me. It’s always there right under the surface. For years he had me believing that I was the main problem. I was the only one really trying to save our marriage. Always have been while he blames me for everything.
He is so aloof and barely gives me eye contact but then expects me to have sex with him. He used to keep me up half the night throwing fits and acting crazy until I would become so exhausted I would just give in. I then would just do it for him out of duty just to have some peace in my life because if I didn’t he would ruin my whole day and guilt trip me and I just didn’t have the energy. It was just easier to get him off my back. And then there were the times he would just point blank rape me. He choked me once during one of those episodes and I finally stood up for myself and said ” you will NEVER do that to me again or I will call the cops and be done. He threw fits for months but it finally stopped.
My health has greatly deteriorated due to all the stress, lack of support, trying to raise the kids basically by myself and we never had insurance. We recently had it for a few months and I began getting testing and the numerologist is suspecting fibromyalgia but I never got to get my final results after painful testing because my husband let our insurance lapse. Of course that wasn’t his fault either.
It’s such a horrible feeling when you realize the person you truly loved never really loved you. I know I have to get out but I’m constantly battling fatigue and dealing with issues at the schools that I don’t think I have the strength to get a job. I can barely keep up with our large home as it is. And I’m constantly cooking many times 2 meals a night because my autistic son throws up unless he has certain things he can tolerate.
I am trying to hold on to hope and faith that God will help me get out someday. It’s so hard living here while awakening to all the lies and not having a way to physically separate.
Ladies that are going through similar stuff, I just want to say that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he behaves the way he does. Don’t believe the lies! Don’t deny your God given instincts and feelings. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. You are a good person who’s been there for someone who hasn’t been there for you and made you believe you didn’t deserve love.
These men are deeply wounded and do NOT want to face it. They want you to around to keep dressing the wound. They are not interested in getting to the root because that’s just too difficult and requires accountability which is near impossible for them.
My advice to you if you have the means to get out do it ASAP. 20 years of my life is gone and I never felt truly loved, safe or supported. They don’t change! They are miserable manipulative people who will suck the life out of you daily.
I will say a prayer for all of you as I pray for myself tonight.
I am so heartbroken as I read story after story of the same things I’ve also experienced. 20 years I’ve been with my husband altogether. Married for 14 with 3 children. I was neglected, mocked if I cried, lied to, raped ( which he never would agree that it was rape because ‘ how can you tape someone you’re married to’, compared to some imaginary picture of perfection, made to feel it was my job to make my husband happy but he didn’t try to make me happy and if I ever did do right, I didn’t do it enough.
I am by nature a people pleaser. I deny myself my own basic needs and do for everyone else. He totally banked on that and had me so brain washed for years. He was addicted to porn for at least 15 years and may still be. He likes to push my buttons to get me undone and point out how ‘ crazy ‘ I am.
We had a very spiritual connection in the beginning and I always held on to hope that it would one day return. He has cried at times and thrown me a few crumbs of hope a year to keep me believing it’s real. That change will come. But it never does and I just keep getting older. I used to make good money cleaning houses but I quit when I had the kids. He has always held it over my head how he makes the money. One of our kids has autism ( which I was blamed for his behavior before an outside source told him to his face of our sons condition ). My other son started having seizures as well. He has been zero support emotionally. He says all the right things but when I actually need the support, forget it. There’s always an excuse. Everything is fine and dandy as long as I don’t have any needs.
And trying to talk about things that are bothering me??? Are you kidding me? It was such a waste of time and energy as he would always turn everything back around on me and twist my words. He is extremely passive aggressive and I always feel his resentment toward me. It’s always there right under the surface. For years he had me believing that I was the main problem. I was the only one really trying to save our marriage. Always have been while he blames me for everything.
He is so aloof and barely gives me eye contact but then expects me to have sex with him. He used to keep me up half the night throwing fits and acting crazy until I would become so exhausted I would just give in. I then would just do it for him out of duty just to have some peace in my life because if I didn’t he would ruin my whole day and guilt trip me and I just didn’t have the energy. It was just easier to get him off my back. And then there were the times he would just point blank rape me. He choked me once during one of those episodes and I finally stood up for myself and said ” you will NEVER do that to me again or I will call the cops and be done. He threw fits for months but it finally stopped.
My health has greatly deteriorated due to all the stress, lack of support, trying to raise the kids basically by myself and we never had insurance. We recently had it for a few months and I began getting testing and the numerologist is suspecting fibromyalgia but I never got to get my final results after painful testing because my husband let our insurance lapse. Of course that wasn’t his fault either.
It’s such a horrible feeling when you realize the person you truly loved never really loved you. I know I have to get out but I’m constantly battling fatigue and dealing with issues at the schools that I don’t think I have the strength to get a job. I can barely keep up with our large home as it is. And I’m constantly cooking many times 2 meals a night because my autistic son throws up unless he has certain things he can tolerate.
I am trying to hold on to hope and faith that God will help me get out someday. It’s so hard living here while awakening to all the lies and not having a way to physically separate.
Ladies that are going through similar stuff, I just want to say that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he behaves the way he does. Don’t believe the lies! Don’t deny your God given instincts and feelings. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. You are a good person who’s been there for someone who hasn’t been there for you and made you believe you didn’t deserve love.
These men are deeply wounded and
Stay very strong … keep up the no contact you will be amazing …we are all amazing
X
All I hear is him, he etc. maybe because men don’t take the time to respond but I’m going to. Does anyone realise that this person can be a woman? And, much worse than the male perp. For any men reading go to http://www.shrink4men.com for help and to see how much worse a female narc can be.
I hope you got out. If not, someone in this world who understands is praying for you. I’m praying you are rescued as I was. If you can, trust your children. They might amaze you. No one on the planet loves you more. There is a reason he hates them.
I was involved with someone for nearly 5 years. My counselor said it best when he noted that certain experiences can shape you and my time with this man certainly did. The “relationship” was an emotional roller coaster vacillating between euphoria and despondency. Just as the relationship would approach a more serious level, this man (dare I call him my boyfriend??!) would disappear for weeks and return without explanation or apologies. This happened over, and over and over. His story changed between sentences and the truth twisted. I was vulnerable and the treatment just beat me down more. And I consider myself to be a successful business woman!
I thought I was going crazy until I read an article by Dr.Vaknin as well as this article and it all came together. THANK YOU! Knowledge is empowering and the subsequent therapy I received put me on the road to recovery.
Serving as a narcissistic supply is abuse and I encourage victims to share their stories to help in healing. You will come out of the experience stronger!!
30 years for me Jeanette, and it’s so horrible I could hardly breathe. I lost in my ugly divorce because he convinced the judge of all his lies. So many lies! He was the most loving man for 27 years but he lost his primary supply, his business, and he turned into a complete demonic savage. Destroying everything he once loved about me had become his so focus—cruelty and rage!! Everything became my fault! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and experiencing.. I checked myself into a psych ward for 10 days and would have gone through with suicide had I not been so exhausted and numbed out.
There is no way to avoid the pain, nor should you. You have 26 years of memories and experiences to grieve. It takes longer than you think you can stand. But I’m here to tell you, it gradually becomes more bearable. After 3 years, while I still can’t believe what a fraud he was, it’s better than it was. And I’m hopeful that a year from now, it’ll be better than it is today. My heart goes out to you. But get real support and hang in there. I PROMISE you, things will get better. Have faith.
A poem I wrote in February 2016 after ending a 5 yr relationship with a N boyfriend. I am 53. He is 60.
NARCISSIST
You almost succeded in accomplishing what you set out to do…destroy me!
Snipping away one fine thread at a time…of my sanity!
Posing as innocent, naive, saint, trustworthy confidant…is the deceiver!
Delivering lies carried on arrows dripping with honey…upon that which you hate!
Void of souls conscience and spirits life force…an egg without a yolk…true self revoked!
Cloaked in goodness you fed freely in your delusion…which you deny!
Until confusion summoned the savior and left you naked in the truth…of your disguise!
What life I’ve left, though dimmed in heartache, will always shine…in loves respect
As for you, I have compassion…the true you…you spent a lifetime to forget
Please reach out to your family. They need you just as much as you need them. Good luck on your new life.
Vaknin is a diagnosed psychopath wearing the Mask of an expert on Narcissim. He’s also a crook, convicted and imprisoned for fraud in Israel. He’s the subject of the film ‘I, Psychopath’ in which he admits his ‘doctorate’ comes from a diploma mill. Believing ANYTHING that he says is incredibly dangerous. He gives basic information on Narcissism that he has no choice but to be correct about (otherwise he’d be called out on it) but then adds in his own manipulative twists as an ‘expert’. He and his Flying Monkeys have a history of turning against anyone who questions him in his forums.
Professor Hare, the world’s leading expert on psychopathy, had this to say about the film ‘I, psychopath’ to the film’s maker:
‘Just watched the CBC broadcast of I, Psychopath. You did a brilliant job, arguably the first documentary to capture the complex, fascinating, and destructive interplay between psychopath and victim.
Perhaps most remarkable was your insightful and amazing documentation of the manner in which you became an integral part of the action. You experienced first-hand what it is like to be caught in the psychopath’s web of deceit, manipulation, domination and control, and to be subjected to psychological and emotional abuse that can be every bit as debilitating and demeaning their physical counterparts.
Fortunately your exposure was time-limited, and you were able to extricate yourself from the situation. The other victim (Vaknin’s wife)in the documentary clearly is not so fortunate. Like many victims she is trapped in a macabre dance with an unfeeling, controlling partner.’
Hi Andy,
Just a quick one to let you know you are not alone. My story is identical to yours, but with a man (or a humanoid, to be more precise). These relationships are very damaging and I hope you’ve done the work of healing. Consider yourself lucky that it did’t go deeper, that you didn’t marry her or have kids.
He brutally discarded me a few months ago. I was told he couldn’t get an erection due to stress at work and all other nonsense, but he had many online dating accounts, one of them with whopping 1400 women on it! How do you get your brain to even get to process this kind of stuff when it happens to you? Big hugs to you, wherever in the world you are. We share the same experiences. Love and light.
Andy i feel for you mate , i have just been through the same thing almost word for word of what you just wrote….but added to the mix , this one was still with the same guy she has been with for 15 years but she kept that part so well hidden I had no idea. Not to mention we “had” a mutual friend who was an enabler and knew what i was in for and never warned me….I hope you have recovered…at this time I am totally gutted.
That’s my life currently. I ignored ALL the red flags. My heart is so very broken. I loved my husband. But it all was a con…..narcissist NEVER change, that’s what hurt the most
I am on my 2nd at-work narcissist. It must be my low self esteem that puts me in these predicaments. Anyway, my first narcissist attraction became so bad for me, I had to relocate to a different office to make the No Contact technique official. But I screwed up, went back, and things got real bad. However this is 20 years ago, so there’s been now No Contact for that whole time.
Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. I now have a crush with a person (at-work again), who I’ve come to the realization is a narcissist. She will literally pose in front of her Supplys and stay there til she gets a reaction. And now recently when I offered her a little surprise after work, she flew into a rage. Why?? What is so offensive about being offered a small gift that it brings on such ugly rage??
What a fascinating read! As a life-long victim of narcissists – first family, then friends as I was naturally drawn to them – I find it vital to read as much information I can to take some of my self-blame away. Great article, very in depth. I’ll be bookmarking this one!
Currently still no contact with my soon-to-be-ex Narcissist. She just started the hoovering this morning after proclaiming a week ago that I would never hear from her again. Promises promises. I am ignoring her for good. My own good. Truth is, life is better and easier without her. This isn’t our first separation, but it is our final one. Done. I sacrificed my life savings and retirement to put her through graduate school and she has lied to and about me, used me, and betrayed me on every possible level. Sad part is, she’s not even my first Narcissist. She is definitely my last. What a scumbag.
Six years now. After finally waking up and discovering that you need to get away from this toxic individual that you have married and you are isolated and thousands of miles away from your FOO and without having the financial means to get away, what can one do? I have stayed in this marriage 3 years too long now and I am desperately trying to find a way out. He hates my adult children for now reason and I’m missing out on key portions of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I am going to miss my oldest grandchild’s high school graduation next month. I let allowed brainwash me into thinking that my family doesn’t care about me and listened to so many lies about myself, such as I am crazy. I want to be free of this so called marriage. I missed and/or ignored all the red flags telling me that he was a narcissist before I married him. All the pieces of the puzzle fit now and I am ashamed to admit that I fell for a big con job. I had a house and good credit. I gave up my home, job, and family to move several states away to live with him. I used all of my retirement money and it was gone within 3 months of arriving here. I have so many regrets. I am subjected to gaslighting, mind games, and verbal abuse almost on a daily basis. My epiphany came recently when I discovered that I was second-guessing everything I do and I realize just how toxic this marriage really is. I was warned about him from an ex-wife of his 4 years ago, too late though. I want out and I want to go home to my family. I think about it every day and that little voice is getting louder and louder. I am so ashamed and I don’t think I can tell my family what is really going on. They think I have the ideal marriage.
26 years with the worst of its kind. I’m just now facing the truth, and i feel like I have been hit by the worst emotional and mental pain you could imagine, i cant get up , and i don’t want to . the smallest part of me is beginning to see and feel that its not me.but not enough to have the strength to do anything about it.
12 years. I was his first girlfriend, we where 16 and this was before he went crazy. 12 years later we have children, I realize he hates women and that’s also he never wanted our daughter. A month before I left him he told me he wanted to choke me and snap my neck. On our anniversary he tried to choke me, the day I left God told me not to come home. ThatI wasnt going to make it out alive. The night before I left, he set me up, sexually assaulted me, then looked at me as a target. He was planning to kill me. The day I left he wanted me to kiss him n I said no and he looked at me like “ur going to pay for this.” By 12 pm he was already calling me every few minutes cuz he wanted me home. Something was going to happen. I signed my kids out of school and left town. May the glory be to God.
was a supply to my ex girlfriend for around seven months, never realizing her over the top love-bombing was normal, I do have co dependent tendencies so was hooked like a fish…in the beginning and for the duration i was bombarded with selfies and constant adoration, i could do no wrong, she talked of holidays together, always made future plans for us to look forward to, we never once argued, everything was as perfect as you could ever want..until the discard phase happened… during the final month or so, being constantly told how much she loved me only masked her real motives, withholding physical contact, finding silly arguments.. i was beginning to wonder what was going on, but doubted myself that these thoughts were true, one excuse after another made me look more into what was happening, this began to take its toll, there always seemed to be another evasive reason that she had in order to avoid physical contact, she had a bout of anxiety which she conveniently threw in the mix, i took a big step back up to the point one morning i walked around the house wondering what the hell was going on…a couple of days later after confronting her about his strange behavior she literally cut me down, game over.. no contact, no reasons other than pathetic weak excuses which suited herself, i pleaded like a fool, weeks went by with virtually no contact just text messages, i went to see her and she said her feelings had changed, she needed space…etc.. i later found she had been adding guys most probably from dating sites to her Facebook during the time we were together, she continued doing so after we split up, she was looking for her new supply, i tracked everything she was doing, even finding her on several dating sites, seeing guys come and go on her Facebook, even pursuing one guy who she had added during our relationship.. she moved on like it never happened whilst i was left totally distraught, wondering why and how it could have ended in such a way.. i now realize what i had been dealing with, knowing of her past relationships made me realize her rinse repeat behavior will continue, she will never and cant commit to a healthy relationship, and i will never be such a fool again.
Sarah, I understand how you feel and could relate so much. And it is NOT your fault….you were duped by a pro…a sick human being. I know because so was I.
I blame myself everyday for ruining so many lives – bringing my kids into chaos (and not knowing which route will bring the least amount of pain to them, getting divorced or staying with their dad to preserve the ‘family’), my FOO (my parents and brother know of what I am going through and worry so much, and are also victimized by my husband and his FOO…they are cruel and ruthless, and are so incredibly mean-spirited, trying to pick apart any little thing they can re. my blood family members, all to make me fearful of being close to them so as not have blow-ups with my husband and restrict them from being near me), and my own life.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish that I had ended it while we were engaged. I did have opportunities to see red flags, but I was too naïve and just thought everything would end up blissful. Now I realize, I have lost so much….soooo much….my best years….career, friends, family, and I worry so much about the future of my kids. This man will fight tooth and nail to have what he is ‘entitled’ to, I know exactly what he is capable of, and God knows what he will try if/when we end up in court over custody. He is quite a convincing person, and I think he even convinces himself of the lies he tells, so I am very scared.
I believe everyone has a cross to bear in their lifetime, and this is most certainly mine. He keeps me from going to church and wastes my time, but I will always have God in my heart and need to pray harder now…he cannot take that away from me, even though he tries. I do not want to be a bitter woman anymore…he has transformed me from someone that always saw the good in people and could relate to anyone out there, into someone who expects the worst and does not trust anyone. A social butterfly into someone who is completely alone, and doesn’t even want to converse
I NEVER thought I would end up divorced, nor do I believe in divorce, but I am at a point where I sometimes feel relieved to think about what life might be like after that happens.
My husband is physically abusive, but God help me if I ever allude to that in his presence. This is what makes him angriest! And now he is disgusted by me for starting to make threats to him when he does hurt me about calling the police on him…he goes nuts! It helps, because he refrains a little…he is reallllly afraid of having a record and hurting his ‘livelihood’ and also he worries about what neighbours think, etc. I think me saying that though, has actually pushed him closer to leaving me because he would rather us divorce than taking a chance on me calling the police on him one day in the future. He doesn’t actually care about the harm to me, or feel guilty, remorseful, etc. If anything he hates and resents me more, because he blames me for it, since I ‘make him do it’ and he was ‘never a violent guy before I came along’.
I guess a lot of us are going through similar ordeals. I hope everyone gets to experience peace and that they can escape this burden soon.
Seventeen years with a man I now believe is a sub clinical narcissist. I’ve sold my soul and been reduced to suicidality by all th years of blaming me and my condition for all our problems.
I wish I could have seen sooner. We have a teenager and three young kids, and I know he would stop at nothing to take them from me (all part of seeing himself as the victim and a martyr). I have to keep this together until the kids grow up (or until he beats me, violently rapes me, or gets caught cheating thus giving me grounds for fault and primary custody).
You can bet I’m going straight to the ER the next time I find myself with blood dripping out of a torn rectum with burst blood vessels in my face and fingerprints on my throat.
No more self-blame, no more excuses. I’m still stuck, but it feels sooooo good to know that, after all these years, it isn’t all my fault.
Except that it IS my fault, because I married him.
Great article. Looks like my husband is on stage 2. He seems to be withdrawing from narcissistic hibernation and entering a phase of psychopathic behavior. I feel he’s very dangerous at this point. He’s past the, “excessive shopping, food, drugs, etc.” phase and I’m stuck with over 2200 bottles of vitamins, amino acids, mushrooms and bags of pot, . He’s a middle aged troll with a great career, who’s now sporting a 20 something on his arm. She’s too young and stupid right now to understand gas-lighting, scapegoating, and character assassination. But now she’s thinks she’s in the money. I’ve closed down shop. I’ve evoked the no contact rule and I’m trying piece my shattered life back together. What’s left of it. And I feel good knowing all those years of blame, making me believe I was crazy was not true. I’m a good person, he isn’t. If I have any advice to give to anyone living with a narcissist is you need to cut the umbilical cord to these abusers. Shut them off, period! It’s hard because they make you feel dependent and in one swipe take it all away and make you feel like it was all your fault. It’s a repeated cycle, and a roller coaster without a stop button. Get out alive and while you have a bit of self respect and sanity left.
I think this article is very informative. I really believe that I was Narcissitic Suppy for my sister for many years. I just didn’t realize it though until she made the big mistake of taking off her mask!!
Hits home…
I would not EVER allow another one into my life. I attracted them, because I grew up with a mother who was one. My father died when I was a young child leaving me with my mother who was all about herself. I grew very co-dependent. I became prime choice for them and they for me. I was drawn to them like a magnet to a metal. I wasted too much time trying to achieve the unachievable. None of them ever wanted it to work out. To this day, I am still learning about the first one and his craziness. People kept quiet for many decades. But I got rid of the last one of nineteen years and he was the last one. Or maybe he got rid of me, however, he is gone. He devalued me for sure. It felt finished for sure. He mentioned he might come back. I thought no way. And I flied for divorce as soon as he was moved out of our marital home. He was not surprised by my decision. I haven’t dealt with him in three years other than court. We have been divorced for a while now. I moved from the town where we both lived so as not to run into him someplace. Better not to think of them, once you are lucky enough to get rid of them. Life is much better and certainly more peaceful without one in my life. I certainly know now what constitutes a Narcissist/Sociopath and I believe there are more out there than the experts admit to in their books and articles. I am Narcissistic free now and I plan to remain free of them.
After being engaged to and living with my narc for 4 years, this article is exactly what I needed to read.
It describes him to a T. Such a long story, but it is the same thing, the fairy tale romance, seduction, gifts, travel, me on a pedestal…then came the control, BSDM sexual addiction, loss of myself and my morals and values and luring me deeper and deeper into his insanity despite my gut screaming at me. I was afraid, confused, depressed, angry, a puppet on a string.
It’s been a year now and he already started dating again less that 6 months after he ended it (verbally) but made it look like I left him. And he is now in a relationship with someone that he would deem as superior in looks, wealth, etc. she is his age though with lots of plastic surgery and body work–he is searching for the “maternal NS” now. Part of me wants to warn her…
Really liked this article. Very well written. Some of it was new knowledge for me around hibernation etc and other parts in the later stages of the post. Most of the other parts I could relate really well to the most recent narcissist in my life. It was affirming and resonating.
Spot on.
I believe all of this… after living with one, it explains all the drama. I just question why he keeps coming around after I kick him out. This time I am so tired of it and am fighting to get on with my life, 14yrs no money from him, he lives with me free, I paid for all his toys, truck, mc, boat, he did pay for his own3acres in KY, of course, no money to pay me on bills he ran up and PROMISED TO PAY! Never any holiday or birthday gifts every holiday is ruined by him. I am so done! Yet the stalking continues by him and his pothead buddies! Everyone thinks he is just great his ego is insane. pathetic!
This says it all I believe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCeIAqeWq3Q