By: Christine Louis de Canonville
The Child in the Mirror
When you become the dedicated keeper of a narcissist’s emotions and needs as a young child, you do not learn how to take care of your own needs first.
This does damage to the relationship with yourself, but you have no awareness of that. To put oneself first feels alien, and very selfish, not to mention somewhat disconcerting.
Gerard (my brother) and I became so enmeshed, that much of the time we did not even have to speak, instinctively I knew what he was saying (negatively or positively) with a look, a nod, a laugh.
A lot of the time we were the best of friends, once he got his way, he was the most fantastic company, and I loved being with him.
But there were times when the enmeshment felt both oppressive and damaging to my identity.
Merging with him was dangerous, especially as I desperately desired to be in his company, while also equally desperately fearing him, both magnifying my shame.
These were the times when he stamped on my character, controlled me by not allowing me to play the game in a certain way, or not agreeing with me on a different game plan.
For example, because he was at an age when girls were stupid, I had to adopt the persona of a boy. I could not be Christine; I had to be a character named John, otherwise, I could not play.
This may sound like a small thing, but for a child to have to deny their gender, feelings, and not make “silly” mistakes during play, amounts to a high level of deprivation.
To be accepted, I had to send my feminine side into hiding, and then my altered ego John could play, making me feel okay and safe with Gerard.
I did not fully realise it at the time, but I was deprived of my female feelings while in the mindset of my altered ego John.
I very much got the message that there was something terribly wrong with having a girly feeling (i.e. being afraid, sad, angry, etc.). These feelings were not okay when I dared to express them, and this toyed somewhat with my emotional reality. Even right into middle-age, I would have to struggle to express vulnerable feelings in front of others because they would readily trigger my shameful feelings of being weak, inferior and “girly”.
In those moments, the old script would play out in my head, and rather than being emotionally rejected by my brother, I was abandoning myself. Interestingly enough, when I witnessed vulnerability in others, I immediately jumped in to rescue them from the shame I assumed they were feeling.
Once again, this led to putting other people’s needs before mine, as I would drop whatever I was doing to rescue them.
Although I was too young to understand, I did feel not being allowed to be myself as an attack on my identity. That being a girl, was without a doubt, inferior to my persona John, the one Gerard approved of.
Most of the time I was passive to his demands of becoming a separate identity for his imaginary world of play, and in some way, this enmeshed us further through our fantasy world, where we were both budding heroes.
Always violence threatened our relationship, and the enmeshment played its role in placing me into the caretaker role I found myself in, a character I lived in for a great deal of my life.
From a very young age, my brother and I wrapped ourselves up in a quilt of shame. This is how we both survived the harshness we were subjected to.
Gerard, whose shame-prone teachers projected their pain on him as an innocent child; and me, whose shame-prone brother projected his pain onto me, his innocent little sister. A tragic happening for both children.
In total, I have found myself in the co-narcissistic victim position on four separate occasions during my life. Of course, the conditioning began for me very young, probably from the day I was born.
This, I believe, was the day that my brother felt usurped from his position as “the baby” in the eyes of Mum. He was only four years old when I was born, up to then he was the baby of the family, and I must have come as a bit of a shock to him when I unwittingly took my mother’s attention away from him.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
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Being raised by a MN was devestating. At 18 i was hooked by a covert narcissist for 13 years followed by a marriage to a MN who devolved into a full psychopath. I forgave him everytime he committed “domestic violence” that four times was only a true act of God that i lived thru. After a shattered hip (running from him for my life), knocking out most of my teeth over twenty years, many other injuries and chronic raping me (filming it, posting it on a world wide porn site) i finally left him. It was the childhood trauma from my father (violent alcoholic) & MN mother that allowed me to accept his treatment of me. That shame allowed me to tolerate heinous behavior. I began healing work at age 18 when i had a baby & actually realized i had been terribly abused (i thought everyone had it like that). I’ve worked incredibly hard with self-help over the years but the one thing i couldn’t ever conquer is the shame. I began changing my self-talk at age 26 but still could never conquer the shame. I’m 56 now. One and a half years no contact with husband (I’m to afraid to divorce him… I believe he’d see me dead before he allows that to happen) so i allow him to live in a state of suspended animation… Thinking I’ll be back someday. Maybe in his older age and the realization that his acts against me are criminal he may be watching his p’s & q’s. I’m fully aware that as long as he’s alive i should practice great caution concerning my physical safety in regards to him. I cannot live in fear anymore. I was abused by N, MN & psychopath my whole life until she 54. I had two mystical experiences that healed me in many aspects. At age 50 I experienced the illumination of conscience and God healed me from my suicidal ideation. (I was lashed until I guess I clinically died at age 4. When I came back into my body I thought oh no you’re leaving me here with these people who are going to keep hurting my body. I was instantly filled with hopelessness and despair and wished for death, which I completely understood and comprehended and desired. I suffered hardcore suicidal ideation off and on my whole life from age 4 to age 50). Then a few weeks ago on April 29th, what would have been my papa’s 100th birthday if he were alive, whom I’ve heard from twice since his passing with both visits bringing me healing and wisdom, came another mystical healing experience) I can now speak on my traumas and finish a sentence at the same time without really too many trauma symptoms. I just bought the book about healing from shame and I’m ready to read it finally. With God there is always hope. After all that’s why we are here on this planet right? To decide what side we are going to fight… Good or evil. I choose goodness.
Just love your words, your explanations and kindness, it’s such a help and affirmation in a world that’s so hard to understand.
So many parallels to my own life and I’m still learning to see the way my childhood was usurped and how I was taught to be a caretaker of others’ feelings and needs. At 73, I wish I could start over again knowing what I know now but glad that I have at least finally seen my father the overt narc and mother, the covert narc, more clearly. I hope, on some level, I can keep the education of this lifetime so it never has to be repeated.
Thank you Christine for another informative article – very much appreciated & wish more readers would comment.
It took me many years to realize it’s okay to put myself first without feeling alien or selfish. Conditioned as a child to make Mom feel better, etc. as she rejected me, 2nd born (11) months later & a girl again in an Italian family who probably shamed her for marrying a man who gambled & would not work much. Then into a long-term marriage playing out a similar scenario – that is, “make Johnny feel better” since his Mommy shamed him unrelenting. That was the pattern no matter how hard I tried to change it & make it healthy – it did not matter how hurtful he treated me, I was to be the “rescuer” & he the “victim” else he would act worse.
I failed on both counts simply because I could not do for either that which only they can do for themselves. Health began to fail – he did a “divide & conquer” with adult kids feeding them an ongoing diet of lies – I was literally dying yet he remained healthy. Then on the 27th year of marriage was listening to an audio book (don’t remember which) & realized I was mixing up “hope” with “wish”. The former grounded in “action”, the latter grounded in “childish fantasy”. Realized I was being played for years to feed a vampire’s insatiable appetite – putting it simply, “others had no skin in the game”.
Finally called for a split & (14) years later finally divorced. I no longer am a “dumpster” for other people’s emotions who have taken on a “victim identity” – does have a sort of “social clout” meaning “privilege” plus not much can be expected from a “victim”, right?? I will witness & support victims as they heal & move toward empowerment but NO longer be an “enabler”.
Along the path I read Ayn Rand’s book, “The Virtue of Selfishness” – I now have a correct understanding of the word “Selfish”. That is, “to put one’s needs first”. I am extremely generous & love myself for it – yet am selfish & love that too!!