How to recognize Narcissistic Victim Syndrome:
Every therapist has had their share of clients suffering with emotional problems such as distress, anxiety, depression, weight problems, panic attacks, self-harming behaviors, and suicide. And as we have seen, many of these clients are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, shame, doom and gloom, and feelings of hopelessness. However, until recently there was very little research done to diagnose why anybody would be suffering from these types of symptoms, especially when they were presented in a cluster of symptoms such as those mentioned above. It is vital for a therapist to be able to distinguish between domestic abuse and narcissistic victim syndrome. Although there are similarities between all abuse, it is important to realize that there are also huge differences between the degree of abuse the victim of a narcissist has suffered. These victims experience abuse on every level of the self, the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. A great many suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Stockholm Syndrome, Infantile Regression, Soul Rape, and other symptoms that need to be attended to.
Researchers were baffled as to why so many clients coming from the general public were presenting themselves in therapy with such a wide cluster of symptoms being present. They began to ask questions, such as “What have these clients got in common, and what is the cause of such distress?” To add to the conundrum, these clients were also showing signs of emotional and psychological trauma, which every therapist knows is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter a person’s sense of security, making them feel helpless and vulnerable. However, these clients did not report having knowledge of being through a trauma of such magnitude. It was through researchers, and the asking of questions specifically aimed at finding out what was happening in these clients environment that finally a solution was found. The data revealed that the people who are presenting with these cluster of symptoms did in fact have one thing in common, they were all victims of narcissistic abuse somewhere in their lives, especially as children (usually a narcissistic parent, or significant other).
Up to now, little or nothing has been written in the medical literature regarding the victims who are exposed to those suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and the consequences of that abuse on those individuals. To-day we are experiencing a narcissistic epidemic, and through lack of training on Psychotherapy Courses, most therapists, through no fault of their own, have had little or no training in this area. This must be addressed now, because whereas those clients who are suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder are most likely to be seen by psychiatrists in mental health services, it is those clients who have been victims of narcissistic abuse, (those who may be suffering from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) that are the people most likely to turn up in your practice looking for a therapist to help them take back control of their lives.
As a therapist, before you can fully assist a victim recover after an encounter with a grossly narcissistic personality, it is imperative that you be informed fully about the insidious narcissistic behaviour the victim may have experienced, and also understand the effects of that behaviour on that victim. If you, as a therapist do not take the time to become informed about the two faces of the narcissist (Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde), you will not be effective working with the victims. You also need to understand the insidious behaviour of the narcissist, and the long term effects of that behaviour on the victim. Familiarize yourself with what narcissistic rage is, what causes it, and its relation to the narcissists shameful feelings. Understanding the extent of the narcissists rage will prepare you to understand the level of control they had over the victim. It is also important to be able to distinguish between the different types of narcissist behaviour, namely the overt and covert narcissist. The destruction of the gaslighting behaviour on the victim, and their cogtnitive dissonance as a result of the abuse. In order to provide you with some of those insights, I shall be putting up free articles about the Narcissistic Personality from time to time, but I also recommend that you broaden your sights by also researching this subject through the many articles written, and through other informative sites on the internet.
It is important when talking about “narcissistic abuse” to remember that abuse inflicted by people with bipolar disorder or antisocial personality disorder is almost identical to true narcissistic abuse. Mania looks almost the same as narcissism, but the underlying causes are not the same. It is very important in the context of this article, because a therapist who meets a victim but never meets the abuser will have a very hard time figuring out exactly what happened.
I”ve been falsely accused with borderlinesyndrome by a psychiatrist who is not at home in this issue. Career money and fame and it was a childish immature posture of this psychiatrist. This influence is working like witchcraft and is ringing in my unconciousness. It is like brainwashing and influences in a negative way your perception of the truth.The psychiatrist was bullying me frequently and I”ve been abused by my sister who gave me false accusations. They say that people with bipolair and manic depression can also have a narcisstic rage attack and that goes together with shame. I did the dark triad test and there came out that I would be shocking saintly and there stood do you find your self walking on the water? You are a chink light in a dark world while they said allways to me that I was the one who was sick and I would be erratic and neurotic and did n”t any have social skills I would have no spine and was decadent and pathetic. This was a unexperienced psychiatrist and was very indifferent and cocky . . .
Hello Christine!!,
I’m so glad to find you!!
I was in a marriage for 16 years from 1989 to 2005 with a man like this. He didn’t fit every descriptor but many.I am a psychotherapist and NO ONE that I spoke to knew what the problem was, not even my psychiatrist. No one really seemed to believe me, especially the fact that I didn’t know all the terrible things he had done with other peoples money and property. (He was in the building business and falsified documents resulting in millions lost to friends and family and ME!
In any case, it led me to study, study, study and not I work with mostly women who are unknowingly dealing with narcissists and Sociopaths- the victims of these personality disordered people.
So happy you are putting all this great info out there in the world!! keep kn touch!
I feel the same way, 26 years and 9 children later. I had no idea re: narcissism, codependency and other issues. No idea! God took him, my spouse, out of my life because of the same thing. He was getting worse and more unkind.
I married a Narcissistic man. We recently divorced. My eyes are just now seeing what I lived in for almost 34 years of marriage and 2 years of dating. I lost my self so many years ago and just now working toward finding me. He told me he had always used mind games on me. I just read about gas lighting, wow, reading all of this stuff, it scares me to think I lived this and never really realized it until after he left and here I was wanting to get back together with him but now realize God took him out of my life because he is getting worse, craving more adoration, more me me me in his life. All the lies, as he is a great deceiver. I started counseling to work through my issues because he had me believing that I was the one at fault not him and all the lies he is telling on me, making people believe it is me. Thank God for getting me out of this.
Christine Thank you so much for all your hard work! It is about 4 yrs now that I have been studying what NPD etc. is…I was looking online trying to figure out what was the matter with me. Why was I so crazy. when I did a search for Gaslighting …I just wanted to tell you that I think the latest article you sent me on Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the best I’ve read so far. I’ve posted it on my FB page a lot of people don’t understand what I’m going on about, and it is very difficult to explain. Thanks with love Yvonne
Hello,
My heart breaks just reading your post. You have been tortured by your father all your life and still now. I sincerely, deeply hope and pray you get help from someone very knowledgeable about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
There are websites with therapists who specialize in this and they are available to help people,even long distance.Please google “narcissistic abuse” and you will see.
To have to call your father so often and have him still in your life is so detrimental that I really want to have you consider no contact. That is the recommended step for all who suffer from narcissists. But you would need some hand holding and lots of support, like from a really knowledgeable therapist. I believe you can find just the therapist you need. Please look for this person. Blessings and faith……
Hi, firstly can I say well done Barbara for getting the courage to leave the very person you gave your heart to & sadly misused & abused your love loyality & kindness & I admire you for walking away, I met my hubby when I was 17 & was everything I dreamed of & treated me like a princess, within a week he asked me to marry him & within 3 months we was at our engagement party my parents threw for us & the year that followed we were married I was 18.5 & my hubby is 9 yrs my senior, we went on to have 3 children & as the years past we were madly in love with each other & bestfriends, I trained to be a residential social worker & substance misuse councillor, my hubby was made redundant & he followed in my footsteps, after 20 yrs of marriage I had surgery that went wrong leaving me in ill health & mobility problems, the person who I’d loved for years took care of, worked did all decorating, basically everything but that was me & my identy of very independent & loads of energy, over the years my hubby would say little things about his childhood of the abuse he got from his horrid monther hence the nickname of monster inlaw & lived upto her name, I compansated for all what he had been through & made sure Xmas Christmas anniversary s would make a fuss with banners ballooons etc , but after my botched op & fighting my employers 1 manger most importantly who was oppressive & said mean controlling things to me behind closed door found myself at a meeting 1 day with her & was screamed at in front of hr & her manager & union rep, I felt that this would prove what I had been saying, as I walked out of meeting instead of my hubby who was waiting outside comeing to greet me he walked past put his arm around her & kissed her cheek & said hi in a charming manner, I was hurt & from then on that’s when I started to experence things of what Iv learnt within 24 hrs this split personality behaviour is the person I loved & married , the 2 no insodent was I had my gallbladder out & turned septic the district nurse stated to my hubby you need to get Andrea to hospital ASAP she is very ill, his responce was carnt it wait until her carets come in to take her as I have work in a minute, he did take me in the end & when my cater turned up he left, my health deteriated & as was no bed on icy they made a add hock space on ward to monitor me , i had no one by my side at my hour of need as my mum had ovarian cancer & as she was on chemo was not able to be with me & from that day she though my husband was by my side which sadly was not but in work, I was rushed to the thearter & was cut from my boobs to my mini to have all my insides washed out to remove the poison that had leaked from around my liver, as I returned to the ward some hours later & as still no icu bed was put in a side room with monitors, I had tubes up my nose, drops in arms drains in my stomach & back he got to the hospital as I was being pushed into room, with no remorse tog what I had gone through on my own, I also ended up with a hospital bug c diff & ended up in isolation & lost a stone in weight in a few days, 3 weeks I was in hospital for, & from the oct to Christmas b4 I could see my mum to make sure I was clear of infection due to cancer & chemo, 6 months later my mum passed & instead of being given support I got abuse of him & the constant calls from his mum or voicemails, my life was hell, he was diagnosed with diabetes type 2 & every outburst ended in its because of diabetes & you no that makes me angry & that’s why I was mad, he always blamed things or me for his behaviour , also over the years he would lie about things usually about money or gambling & I was on verge of leaving with the kids back end of the 90s but he promised would never do again & asked me to oversee all money & house bills etc which I always did do, I have stuck around & hoped that the person I met & loved would come back to me & boy have I put up with some verbal abuse off him & reflecting back I have tried to pin point when all this started & it sadly started around the time my surgery was botched & went from bad to worse more so when my mum passed away & I feel that now reading what i have learnt about this behaviour that , the charade of protection of watchful eye of my mum he behaved as was very close with my mum as we were best friends & as soon as I lost that support feel have him a free rein to be mr Jekyll with me & mr charmer outside, sadly our kids r not children but adults now & there are times when they especially my 2 daughters speak to me appaulliy & when I challenge I here the same voice of reason well if you didn’t , I wouldn’t , but never have they once spoke to there dad my husband like that & when I have tried to explain to him it’s a learnt behaviour of him he says sorry & will fix it but sadly feel that all as broken me, as last oct I had to have a womb biopsies for cancer as bled for far to long, thankfully was negitive but was given a drug to shut me down & made me very ill & at same time on day I had biopsies & my hubby came to pick me up returned to water coming through ceiling from bathroom as sewer pipe in road had blocked needless to say backed up in my home, so refusing to stay in hospital over night I came home to this & even though I had been to thearter & told I needed to go to bed , was lefts to ring around emegancy numbers to sort & see to guys coming to my home instead of my husband saying you go to bed I will sort, sadly that didn’t happen & the very next morning & whilst seeing to all to midnight I was left again to sort all, I begged my hubby to stay off work to sort but refused & 2 else later back in hospital with a womb infection & refused to stay in hospital as had insurance coming the following day so getting out of hospital at 3 am & left to see to someone whilst again left I crashed & cried constantly for 2 days never slept or ate & finally the coin dropped that I needed help, since then things went from bad to worse arguing when I would challenge him & end of August the final straw & I left & went to my dad’s & am ashamed to say that I sat there with tablets in my hand & was ready to end my life as I just couldn’t take no more from husband & if wasn’t from him it would be 1 of my daughters, if I ever asked for help it would end in a argument as felt I had to justify myself , my sister took me to hospital to see the crisis team who stated that I didn’t have support, & that my husband & daughters are selfish & don’t deserve me, yes I did come back home 1 cos I hope that things will change & 2 I was brought up that if u love & cherish sumit you work at it till it’s fixed, when I discovered the name for his behaviour I sent him a link about it & he approached me saying he is ashamed of what he has been doing & stated will make it right, to my reply is why is it that it come to me nearly ending my life because I always said what was going on & he just would have a outburst walk away & come back & say sorry go a wk then hit the same brick wall , yet I would cry & talk till I was blue in face of what was going on & carried on yet I send a name for his behaviour & the coin drops !! I want to believe him as I love him & as the saying goes I carnt live with him & I carnt live without him ! I love him but I don’t like who he is, sadly I did go from independent to dependent , I am suffering short term memorey loss, I carnt figure things out in my head or rasionalize thing, when things happen that I don’t expect I am over whelmed & go into fight or flight mode, & have become quite nervous & find the things I used to do without though am not able to complete a simple task without panicking , Iv no appitite, sleep problems, I don’t no if some is from the toxic chemo drug they gave for my endo in Feb & March that made me so ill or it’s my personal home life or a mixture of both, I have an appointment with my HP next week to see about my memorey I have asked my hubby to come with me as feel he should take on board & speak out when I will be honest about what’s been going on as I do live in denile of my personal disability from botched op & still struggle 9 yrs later with coming to terms with things but feel coz of lack of support or empathy that I can not make that transition of fear if I do except will end up in a chair fultime & if it’s a battle now when I ask for help standing what chance have I if I do end up in that chair, I love my husband for all is faults & my kids but carnt live like this no more & how can I claim back some control & my mind back to were it was as feel broken & my identity of who I was & am doesnt exsist I feel vunrable & want it to stop !! And want to no why it all went wrong was it me & if my surgery wasn’t botched would things be different today, I gave the best years of my life 20 yrs & then boom from no were my husband I felt became the woman he run away from & hated as a child but felt in his adult life had to fight for her attention & love but the very thing he hated he chose to bring it into our marriage 20 yrs later, he as never ever had outburst with his kids or people outside who at times have warranted to her his anger but he controls that in view of all except me , not even his mum when she called him or anyone got a mouth full, but the person who did nothing but love & takecare of him & his kids & gave him a family he never had yet as tried I feel to destroy the person who gave him something he wanted & don’t no how someone can say they love you & hurt & speak & treat you the way he has me on & off for last 9 years, I showed him love & he even said to my parents over the years that they had been more of a parent to him than his own ever was, which is so sad, and that is why I always mothered him even though he is 9 yrs older than me & maybe that’s why Iv allowed things to happen to point of were I am today broken & confused , can this behaviour be revered & if so how ? Also how can I get back my mind as I always had a good memorey sadly it is very poor & like a rain Mac when someone throws water at it, instead of absorbing it slides off ! So Help please ????
I am 68 years old. I married straight out of college. After 15 years of horrific abuse, I divorced my husband. However, I only left because a pastor, who was also a Christian counselor, told me, “No man treats his wife that way.” I had no idea it was okay for me to leave.
After the divorce, my X continued to harass me through the courts regarding child support and custody. He tried to gain custody even though he rarely visited our children!
I have been in and out of therapy over the years. No one understands or recognizes narcissism. I thought I was a victim of domestic violence.
One year ago, as I did some online research to try to understand my mother, I learned that she has an extreme case of narcissism. I was the “golden child” which left me with no sense of self. My X is also extremely narcissistic.
I feel traumatized and anxious a lot. My mother is 94 years old and continues to try to control me and create havoc in our near and extended family.
April,
You said it best, the duality of still loving and seeing the horrible actions of the narcissist. It is painful to accept the truth about the person you loved. After all your feelings were real, even if theirs were not. It is hard for friends to understand why it takes so long to recover from the fantasy life you lived in.
Hi
Trust me April, it’s not just men, I’ve been a stay at home dad for 7 years under the influence of one of these parasites, but only started to find out 3 months ago even what one was. My two boys and I have lived in total blindness of this condition living our lives while their mother was screwing her boss. When I now regretfully exposed her dirty affair have I seen a total complete stranger who is out to destroy me after taking my boys and moving out. And a. Now it seems at her total mercy.
Phil
I identify with a lot of what you said. I am 49. I have 2 Narc parents. I married 2 Narc husbands. My whole family treats me with disrespect and no love or empathy. My church too. I think my parents have caused this. I was left with nothing after my marriages and had to go back and live with my controlling, abusive, Narcissist parents. They deny everything. Every memory, every nasty thing they ever say or do. They say I am lying, I am making it up, I am crazy, etc. Everything is my fault. I understand some of what you are saying. I am living with them now at 49, I have no way to afford to move out. I was a home maker all my life. I went back to school and got 4.0’s but mom said I would never be hired by anyone. She told me I would be living with them the rest of my life. I need to find a room mate. A woman. I know I need to get away from them to get healthy and to heal.
You do too! You can do it! Get money together, go to school, get a job, find a friend to live with, don’t tell anyone your parents know; where you go!!!
I believe I am the family scapegoat. I think I fought them more and tried to hang on to myself too and that is why I was targeted so much. I told them they were wrong, they were not acting like a Christian, or “we just heard not to do that” in the sermon in church, (what they were doing: talking nasty about other people in our church, putting others down, spanking us kids for nothing, lying, betraying confidences, telling others personal info about me to embarrass me.) I think my mom put me in a situation where she knew I would be raped as a child. When I told her, she said she didn’t believe me or it was my fault.
My experience too. I went to therapy all my life. Everything was always all my fault. no therapist ever helped me. I still have not found a good one to this day!!!
Thank you for making your post. This situation is real. I don’t like to think of myself as a victim. Makes me feel like that gives power to the narcissist, but I definitely suffered in that relationship to the point that now that I am out of it I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to truly trust a male as a partner again. There’s this weird duality of still loving the person I thought he was and intellectually understanding that that person never really existed.
Hi Vee, Sorry to hear you have been a victim and suffering from NVS. I can understand your frustration with your therapist, but to be fair, it is not her fault. Narcissistic abuse as you have researched it is not part of most Psychotherapy Training Courses. Narcissism was always the domain of psychiatry, and then that knowledge was used for working with the narcissists. Unfortunately it took the victims of narcissists to do their own recovery, and at best it was then seen as “domestic violence” when it happened in the home……. but did not really cover other situations (like the workplace, friendships, cults, etc.). Anyway, hopefully that is beginning to change. I have the education, the degree and the experience of narcissistic abuse personally, so I am doing my best here in Ireland to educate therapists in this behaviour and recovery work. The biggest accreditation boards (IACP) for therapists is taking me and these studies very seriously. They have booked me to go all around the country and teach their members, and they are offering these workshops to the participants FREE of charge. I am amazed at their response. I have now video recorded three full workshops (which are being edited right now), and hopefully they will be up on my website for sale for anybody who needs this information (i.e. victim, psychotherapists, doctors, police, social workers, solicitors, Courts, ets)….. anybody who deals with the fallout of this form of abuse. It is time for this information to circulate, and every victim (like yourself) who has made this journey, and has done their research, are doing their part to push for therapists to be educated in this form of abuse. I am suggesting that everybody who is a victim to ring the Psychotherapy Accreditation Boards in your country or state, and speciaically ask for “the name of a therapist who works with victims of narcissistic abuse”. Right now they probably don’t have them, but if they hear this question a few times they will want to know why people are looking for this service…. and this will then get attention. They (the Accreditation Boards) can then put on Continuous Professional Development workshops for their professional therapists, and that way the information is passed on. So please, everybody reading this, make that call….. that way you are helping me to get this to become part of every therapists knowledge. Stay safe. Christine
Christine, thank you so very much for all the information provided here and throughout the site. I, too, am suffering with NVS.
I have been working with a therapist for over one year, feeling like so-so progress has been made so far.
Just the other day, she confessed to not knowing what the term ‘gaslighting’ meant My heart sank. So, here I sit once again, at my desk doing all kinds of frantic research trying to ‘cure’ myself. How can a professional therapist not have more insight into NPD and NVS? Mind boggling that we the victims of the abuse are better versed (if at all) than those with the degrees. So frustrating. I am so grateful for the work you do to educate. THANK YOU
@ Gusdog. Hoping you have found answers. Your story rings true with me. I am at early stages. I have worry to have strength to see this through. XX
Hi I am so sorry to hear about everyone’s pain and suffering. I relate all to well. I am 52 and while I always knew something was wrong and even tried calling child services when i was little, I fought to hold onto myself growing up,which meant taking much more abuse than my “forgotten” sister, I am still living under my parents control. I have no idea how I have let this happen and I want out so badly yet I don’t see a way. While the abuse was obvious as we were tied up and beaten all the time and controlled down to the amount of toilet paper we could use I was a survivor. I was lucky enough to make great friends who I believe saved me from loosing my mind or even taking my own life. The pattern in our family was and is that as soon as I would get my life to a good place my super powerful, wealthy, self made (total liar yet extremely catholic and violent )father would criticize me find a reason to throw money at me then punish me. That meant he would pull my entire life out from under me, everything, he would cut me off make me move to a strange place where I knew no one and put me into a mental hospital. That started at 15 when I ran away to a friends house because he punished me for 6 months because I was 6 minutes late getting home. The only way he would let me out was if I went to boarding school in another state. That went on for years.I was supposed to be a boy so I was punished just for for being born. Oddly enough I was his favorite and the scape goat and all I ever dreamed of was escaping that hell and yet while I live across the country he still has financial control over me and believe me i have tried. I was the first to graduate college and that was as a single mother. He made me move to another state all alone at 18 as not to embarrass the family for having a bastard son. Then I was in trouble for not naming my son after him. Then I was in trouble for not continuing to work for him when after 3 years he still refused to let me do anything challenging or important, he just told me at Christmas that he is still mad at me for that. I fell in love with a narcissist naturally and was tortured for years before I figured all of this out. When I was being stalked then robbed and raped by the guy and finally asked for help my father told me it was my fault and no one takes me seriously because he has spent my life exploiting me telling the world he loves me and then in a loving way making me seem crazy at the same time. I have to always be accomplishing things or I fear I will be punished and there are no boundaries in my family. I believe I broke the cycle and saved my son from this madness but I am trapped and I know I should disappear but how? I’m scared. There is too much to explain it all but he is so powerful and can be so cruel he would lock me up I just know it. I fear doing anything to upset him yet I just want a few happy years of freedom. I should have saved money when he was giving it to us but he always said “you don’t need to save that’s what the trust is for” I am so stupid because I knew better. I knew he was lying.There was never any cash in that trust. He uses it to avoid paying taxes and whenever it makes money he takes it out and leaves only debt. I just know he is going to control us from the grave and leave us in debt. Yet no one wants anything to do with looking into it. He has everyone fooled or all of the people he has screwed over in business, and there are many now, are to scared themselves, as his legal team is more than most can afford. I don’t know how I can be related to him because I am honest to a fault. I tell far too much about myself so i get taken advantage of all the time and I have too much empathy. I have taken in not only stray animals but people too. I hate suffering and not that anyone cared or ever asked but my dream was to tear down the racist country club near where I grew up and build a home for homeless children, animals, and the elderly so they could make their own families and take care of and love each other. I suck at taking care of myself but I am super good at taking care of others that’s why I know I did good with my son. I knew exactly what not to do and what to do actually was common sense. He is now married and has a life of his own. I do fear my dad and his money and control will try but I think my son is grown enough to protect himself, unfortunately I am not. I’m struggling with menopause something my mom didn’t tell me about like everything else and getting older and yet in my head I still feel 15. I am under developed still being manipulated having to call every other day just keeping up with my family is a full time job and any day he can and will, for sure, cute me off just for giggles, then what??? I am his “mark” (my ex husbands name for me), a non existent nothing with no idea what to do or how to escape living everyday in total fear under complete control…………:( What a mess. How could I be so stupid! Please do not let this happen to you!!! I feel as though I have suffered but never lived a life of my own and never experienced love from a family that requires so much work it is mind blowing and heart breaking!!! They tell me they love me everyday and I know it is a total lie! Is there any hope for me??? So sorry so long!!!!
My mum is an narsissist. I ended up having a surgery in Hippocampus, left part of my brain. Epilepsy. I then saw The right part of my brain. The realy me. Not The One I Had been brainwashed to Be because of her. I notised that se always described her selfe when she described me. Lied a lot. Very weak. Very jealous and so on.
I have been managing on my own since I was Very young. Se Does not like to see How well I manage, with out her.
I have Met my dad and my grandmum. Thats where I am from!
One more thing. When I realised after all these years I was a victim of narcissist parents, I went to a therapist.
He seemed ok, at first, then it dawned on me, he didn’t have a clue what narcissist abuse is or what it can do to a person, especially coming from one’s own parents.
He said, ‘hmm, you’re very angry, aren’t you?’ like he was judging me, like I was making a big deal of nothing, and at that point, I thought, ‘of COURSE I’m d*mned well angry, i’ve been lied to and cheated out of half of my life by my own mother!! Who wouldn’t be?!! See ya!’
Choose your therapist VERY carefully, and if your gut tells you, they don’t get it, trust it, and find someone else, or do what I did, and use self help.
There’s a myriad of books and websites, including this very good one (!), on the subject, and educate yourself. If you have just one compassionate, intelligent person in your life that you can trust, then also you can talk it out with them. Just don’t stick with a therapist who ultimately hasn’t a clue what you’re talking about, it’s a waste of time x
I grew up in a family of narcissist I have 4 siblings who definitely have almost all the symptoms. They all think they are better than me.I am not even aloud to speak at family gatherings.My therapist says my Mom is one but I am not sure. She has always been very kind to me.When I was a kid my brother did all sorts of things to me and he never got more than scolded.He held me out a two story window at school one time. I believe if my friend had not come along he would have dropped me.All my siblings are know it all’s . They all always have to be right.My one sister is sponging off her own son that only gets a disability check. She had him declared incompetent so she could get his check to take care of her self.She has never work she always used him as an excuse and that is all it was,He has a severe speech impairment that makes it seems as though he is mentally handicapped. But he is not if you knew him and saw how hard he tried to communicate you would understand what I mean.It’s bad enough I have been their victim for 55 years.( I just found out what was wrong) I really can’t stand the fact that he is going to be her prisoner for the rest of his. He is 23 and she still treats him like he is 12.She even thinks he believes in santa even though he tells her he doesn’t. That more for her than for him. She always got him new computers though make a wish foundation and would keep the new one for herself and give him her old beat up one.Life has been hard for due to the treatment I received as a child it would continue today if I allowed it. But I won’t let them ruin what I have left of life,
As the daughter of a covert malignant narcissist mother, and the victim of several others along the way, I believe narcissists are aware of hurting others and they get “high” from it. If they were not aware of what they were doing, they would not pretend to be “angels of light” in front of outsiders as my “suffering saintly” mother would do while throwing foot stomping childish fits of rage at home to my poor enabling father who became a raging alcoholic in order to cope with the anxiety and depression she invoked. I was the scapegoat and my younger brother is her Golden Child/Rescuer. I was made out to be “crazy” because I knew something was wrong growing up and my response was to rebel and get into all kinds of trouble, which I deeply regret now because looking back, I see that it just play right into her evil agenda, making me out to look like the source of the families dysfunction, while she pretended to be the poor, martyred mother who “did her best.” All the while throwing her little temper tantrums at my dad and belittling him and shaming him and ignoring me completely and having emotional incest with my brother, who gets treated like a prince and has swallowed her baloney completely. I am now 50 and golden boy is 42. It took me until the age of 49 to fully realize what the family dynamic was and I had gone “no contact” several times before beginning from the age of 19 on without fulling realizing why and of course, I NEVER once got an apology from Queen Jezebel (mommy dearest) for anything. I am now No Contact for good. My father is in full blown Stockholm Syndrome now and all the life has been sucked out of him. He just a passive, compliant little drone whose only form of rebellion is to pop pills or go to the local VFW and get drunk whenever he can escape his torture chamber. Queen Jezebel is fat, diabetic and set in her rigid mindset of always being right and always being the victim. She pretends to be sweet and angelic but it’s very obvious that its surface only. She is very sneaky and cunning but not very intelligent at the same time. She has completely destroyed my family and turned the ones that remain into nothing but actors playing the role she has given them. I hate her passionately and wish she was dead. I know I have to overcome these feelings of instense rage but that woman nearly ruined me life and has cause so much emotional pain and my dad’s siblings who are the only one’s I’ve written to and revealed her true nature have ignored me and don’t seem to believe me. But I know they can see that my dad (their oldest brother) is NOT the same person he was when they grew up with him and I also know they can see what a dysfunctional and dark home my mother has made for him. And they know that their mother, my beloved paternal grandmother, is the one who really raised me and if not for her, I wouldn’t know the difference between a normal, loving home and the cess pool I was raised up in. My “mother” (I really don’t think she deserves that title, treats her dogs WAY better than she has ever treated my dad, but he takes up for her and whenever I would visit them, he would make subtle insults toward me and tell my husband that he “felt sorry for him” and talk about how awful “women’ are (in general) because he was too afraid to stand up to that bitch bully he is married to. So of course, me being the scapegoat, and the ironically, the only one who took up for him, got to be his verbal punching bag, while the fat bitch narcissist he’s married to sat their and played the sweet martyred saint. That is, until someone disagreed with her over something.
Hi Joe, 35 years is a lifetime to be exposed to narcissistic behaviour. However, there is no use in blaming yourself, they are like a virus…… you have to be vaccinated against them through an injection of information. Narcissism has reached epidemic proportions, that is why it is time to expose this personality disorder, giving innocent people a chance to avoid the danger of being hooked and abused.
Just found out this summer what’s been going on in the last 35 years of my life, being with a N woman who developed this to a true art. Going from subtle to raw with an amazing creativity, left me behind many times wondering what was going on, where this came from, and what I did wrong now.
The mind blowing factor is that you never had a partner to begin with.
You don’t expect to be hurt from within, and you can’t even hold them accountable because they are not aware hurting anyone.
My work ahead is trying to cope with what was visible when we met 35 years ago, and how I (ME !!!?) could have missed that, and the effects (if) on my child.
I have been in NS since 2007, there is no help at for male victims of this kind of abuse in nova scotia at all. seems everybody has sided against me, my relationship of 20 years suddenly ended early june of 2014, for reasons I could not comprehend, I was suddenly homeless for nearly 20 days, i was the stay at home dad, I could not understand the way i was feeling after I left my home of 6 years, had anxiety, fear, depression, anger, betrayal, hurt, shock, everything u feel when u have been devastated, my ex used this situation to discard me, she was cruel about it in everyway, I thought I had a home security, a family we have 4 children, 4 months after the relationship ended I found out about narcissism, my ex is an evil covert stealth histrionic narcissist sex addict pathological liar with a masters degree in conflict and resolution, this person is scary, for years I suspected her of cheating, I would ask and she would lie or play off on my oldest daughter, whom I didn’t know was being manipulated by her mom against me and my side of the family, my oldest was suffering from depression and anxiety, I wish I knew about narcissism years ago, for years the ex narc treated me terribly, going back 20 years of her manipulations, cheating and emotional abuse, she always threatened to call the police or kick me out, she was always breaking up with me, or threatening to do so, I never knew where I stood with her, everything totally makes sense now, because I could not understand how she could be so cold and distant when we got into an argument, I wanted the truth from her about her cheating,I never ever got an answer, she would lie to me, almost every night she would get home around 9 or later, she commuted to her work an hours drive to the city where her office is located, realized she last 20 years she always got jobs where she was always away or had to commute, if she did get home early she would just go to the room and watch TV, ignoring me and the kids, I had no support system at all, she did not do anything to help with the our 4 children, i was on my own in the relationship with them, I raised them for the last 7 years, i was suffering from stress and isolation, also I would of left the relationship if she told me she was seeing somebody or messing around, if she was honest about it, she lacks a heart, she is very self centered , she lacks remorse, empathy, a conscience, she called me crazy for years, told me i was insecure, needy, my reactions to her narcissistic abuse was not very good, we had arguments, I was suffering depression, I always ended saying sorry for some reason, I cant recall in the last 20 years we were together, her ever saying sorry, she could never ever be wrong, I found out about who she was cheating with around the same time I found out about narcissism, suddenly im realizing there were countless times of the last 20 years where I suspected her of hooking up with other men, she always uses the same lies, remember back in the 90s went for a year of telling me how come you don’t love me, the narcissist abuse was even more devastating back then, I didn’t know about this evil disorder NPD, I feel so foolish, betrayed, I trusted her, im suffering PTSD, im on my own, hardly see my kids now, she even told one of my boys, she didn’t care if I died or not, my youngest boy was upset and told me what she said, she is playing the victim now, lying and smearing me all over with her friends and family, she has manipulated my youngest daughter against me now, nobody believes me about her at all, the ex is mentally ill, this person is truly evil, so tempted to just leave and go back to BC, but that’s what she would want, because I know about her now, she hates that, Im now fighting for the rights just to see my children, whom I love and miss, the ex is going for custody and maintenance and making me get a paternity test, who does that, so up against it here in NS, with no help at all.
Hi Rita, I am so sorry to hear about your son, it must be so heartbreaking. Your son has had to become a different person to deal with the anxiety
of a narcissistic wife. He probably believes he loves her, and of course he may, but more likely he has probably trauma bonded because
with her because of her alternating good and bad behaviours, and her constant power and control demands…..in effect he is her narcissistic
supply. He sounds quite co-dependent on her, one becomes that way when isolated and exposed to gaslighting behaviour. The narcissists relationship with
their supply is insidious, and while they lose respect for their victims, they need them. Unfortunately, you may risk making the relationship worse if you
accuse her of being a narcissist. He is unlikely to even know what that would mean, and if he repeats that to her (which he may), she is likely to punish you by
eroding whatever relationship you are managing to have now.
Just keep the door of communication open with him. Be careful not to run her down to him, because as co-dependent he may feel he has to
protect her from you. Give him the opportunity to talk to you, he may open up if he feels safe, and that you are not being judgmental of her
(and him). Let him know how lovely it is seeing him……. perhaps you can Skype together when he goes to Africa. Find a way to let him know
that your home is always open, that he can tell you anything (without it going further)……. remind him what a lovely boy he was, and even
though he has his own family, he will always be your beautiful son. She may not give you much of an opportunity to be with him alone….. so
watch for chances to chat with him alone (i.e. if she goes off somewhere, or takes a nap)…… these are golden opportunities to have some
influence on him.
You will have to be smart to out fox her. They have such a need to be centre of attention…… perhaps you can play to that weakness in her.
She will be especially sensitive to rejection, so you may have to make her feel a bit special in order to manipulate what ever time you have
left with your son. You are in a war-zone, and all is fair in love and war. Best of luck with it, but mind yourself, because she has the power to
keep him away from you when away. Warmest regards. Christine
This site has brought my husband and I hope.
And yet…we are now keenly aware of the horrible life our son has been locked in for over twelve years.
Since he lives out of the country…we just had a visit with him after two years absence.
It was sickening to see how he acted as her servant…he never left her side…he never laughed…he is so very thin and could not even answer me when I asked him… “May I heat up your rolls?” Instead his reply was…”I’ll ask Becky.” I was stunned!!!!!!!
He paces and is constantly belittling himself…does the laundry…but it appears that he worships her!! She is mean and cunning and constantly lied to us.
He is now thousands of miles away. They left one week ago.
OUR HEARTS ARE BREAKING!
We broke down and called her mother…we had not spoken in the twelve years but she started to cry because she understood everything we were saying but had been blaming herself. There is now someone that sees the truth as we do.
My son is intelligent with a masters degree but is evidently blind to the truth and unhealthy and so needy.
We are desperate to get him out of that country where he is totally isolated with her…English is the third language there!
We only found out about this website just days before they flew out.
I am now blaming myself for not blurting all this out and looking at her face to face with what we know about her.
She is evil.
We are devastated. My husband is furious about the pain that has disintegrated our loving and kind son…and smashed our family.
It seems so hopeless and yet I am trying to hang on.
I am praying, praying……but want to do something and not sit idle while he is being destroyed physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
How can we sit back and watch this????
We can never talk to him because she never let’s him out of sight….to even Skype is impossible without her sitting right there….and our son smiles and pets on her the entire time.
I submitted a comment about a week ago when we first found out about NPD.
We were so appreciative of a reply from Christine.
Is there a way that others can answer and comment?
I do not know anything about Google or blogs…..but we are desperately needing someone to talk to and get support.
Whoever sees this, please pray because the pain is almost debilitating.
i have been married to a N for 17 years. due to my financial status i am stuck for now. he has cheated throughout our enitre relationship and still does. he tried to put life insurance on me and kill me for one of his lovers. i heard state farm insurance on our answering machine leaving my husband a message about his wife’s life insurance quotes. i had no knowledge of it. then he would “accidently” point his loaded sks assault rifle at me. one evening i came home from shopping, i pulled in our garage, using our garage door opener, and drove in with out car. when i walked into our breezeway he was sitting in the corner of our breezeway with his loaded rifle pointed at me. he said oh its just u. i thought who else would it be. he claimed that somone was pounding on the door and it scared him. but he did not call the police, and he called the police over everything. i got the feeling he lost his nerve to shoot me and kill me, and he aggressively got up pushed himself by me and unloaded his gun all over the kitchen counter. i saw the bullets bounce all over the counter. but later when we fought about this he told me his gun was not loaded. he does mean stuff to me all the time, and right infront of me and then he will look me in the eye and say he did not do it.
i would be reading in my room and he would stand next to me with his gun, loaded, and pointed at me, while he was pretending to look at it. he did this atleast a dozen times. its a wonder i am not dead.
he does horrible mean things to me on a daily basis, he is a bully. he steals money out of my purse. he steals all of my personal property and disposes of it. he makes fun of me. he constantly lies to me about everything.
for many years i did all the housework, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, and working. all he did was destroy all my hard work and trash everything. and say oops sorry with a smirk on his face. at one point i was getting on average 3 hours of sleep at night. and i told him u have to start picking up after yourself because i can’t keep going like this. or i will have to change jobs and go back to working in a bar. because i could make much more money and much less hours. he said you can not quit your present job and i am not helping with anything. so after 2 months of this, and many sore throats, and illnesses from spreading myself to thin, i quit my nursing home job and went back to the bar. the day before i started work at the bar he and his mother threw me in jail. he told me he did not understand why i was arrested because he did not tell the police anything. i found the truth of his lies when my attorney gave me his police statement. the charges were eventually dropped. i had to come home, i had no place to go.
before this incident with the police he called the police on me several times with horrendous lies. i believe the only reason why i was arrested that time is because his mother lied with him.
i use to be a happy, full of light, ambitous, energetic, person. now i am on anti depressants, and most days i can not get out of bed. i have horrible overwhelming feelings of doom. and i live in my bedroom. honestly i am kind of waiting until i die so i can be freed from him.
i just exist now. i would not wish this on anyone.
every day is some type of tragedy that he creates.
there is so much more crazy stuff that he has done to me.
i have tried everything to get out of this depression. vitamins, meditation, antidepressants, etc. nothing works and i know nothing will work until i get him out of my life.
Looking back I have kept an “N” in my life since early childhood. Started with Dad, then a very bratty friend I met when I was 6. This friend would “be my best and only friend” for 2 weeks then drop me like a hot potato. She would totally befriend another girl named Karen for a couple of weeks then return to me. She actually would say to me, “Let’s leave Karen OUT”! Karen and I were tortured by this psychopath for several years. Thank got I somehow outgrew that mess…so I thought. Long story short. I’ve been attracted to “N” men forever, I’m now 59 and have spent the last 19 years in a relationship with a master “N”. He’s on disability from the VA and Social Security for all kinds of ailments, but the VA diagnosed him last year with NPD. Said only talk therapy could help…of course all of his female therapists have not been strong enough to crack his issues. Funny, he really disliked the only male therapist he had…wonder why? To sum things up, due to the horrendous emotional abuse this particular relationship has subjected me to I lost my job of 25 years and most of my friends. I can’t find work at my age to accommodate my expenses and have become financially dependent on my “N”.
My advice to those of you who are younger…get out now! Start making a plan. Get your finances in order if possible. Join a dating site and meet someone who will help you over that bridge…the one that gets you out!!! Don’t attach yourself to the new partner until you are sure he’s finally a Good Guy! You know what a good guy is…one who’s opposite in almost every way from your “N”. Sometimes we can’t make this escape on our own no matter how many people advise us we can. If you have to use someone to escape hell make up your mind and do it. You’ll also be 59 years old faster that you can imagine and then it’s 200% harder. Just start planning NOW! Start taking back your power…you don’t even have to tell your “N” what you’re doing…in fact you’ll be much more successful not telling him. Also if he’s living in your house…go to your county courthouse or a lawyer about getting him officially evicted. This is what police have told me to do. Even without a lease if someone’s used your address as his residency for “some time”, documented eviction is your only legal leg to stand on. It can take a few months to get him out and do everything possible to protect yourself meanwhile. You do not have to be living there to evict him from your property. Good luck!
I have been involved with a narcissist c for seven years. He has damaged every part of my life. He has insulted every aspect of my being. I caanot trust people. He has destroyed friendships, kept me in isolation, raped me, threw me down steps, etc and paints the picture that I made it all up in my head. I don’t know where to get help.
I have dealt with the victim of an N for years, and have some insight to offer.
As strange as it may seem, the victim covers for the N. She knows he lies, he has a facade, and can be a monster. But the victim oddly presents him in the best possible light.
My friend spent 10 years of a horrible marriage complaining about how fat her N was, how messy he was, how he did a “bait and switch” to her. All things that are really irrelevant and made her seem shallow. She never mentioned his porn addiction, the fact that he tried to choke her to death, the fact that she told him she was suffering over her mothers loss and he coldly looked at and left, the fact that he would rellentlessly go on rants with a list of their expenses, the fact that he pretended to be a man of faith and then didn’t take the family to church unless she demanded, or practice faith unless it was to sanctimoniously criticize others actions. She didn’t fully explain how he cheated when she was pregnant. She alluded to sexting, and explained that he denied it.
This covert N acted like a victim of her anger, and she became the perfect enabler. He had a mental list of every thing he had ever done for her and would secretly call her friends and family saying he was concerned with her behavior everytime she had enough. That’s right, he spent 10 years pretending to be the victim of his wife’s rage, and not only did she go along with it, she felt guilty for not satisfying his insatiable neediness. She felt guilty when in the depths of her depression, she went shopping. She thought and explained to me that she had a problem with money even though she was working in a high paying job.
Victim is a gorgeous as they come, a great person, honest, very smart and well read, she did come from a dysfunctional home and married an older man who she believed was an amazing father to his 2 previous children, and claimed to be a victim of his ex wife immorality.
The end came when N assaulted or hit on (his words) a neighbor. Neighbor was a porn looking type, not nearly as beautiful as victim, but confessed to victim what happened. She knew it was true. He confessed. He blamed her. He bombarded her with religious “doctrine” of forgiveness, posed and postured, she prayed about it and thank God, Jesus led her out of the dessert.
It was a nightmare, but miraculously it went quickly and she got a good settlement. I’m a little concerned because she is continuing the cycle. She feels sorry for him, he then comes in and bombards her with psycho drama, and manipulates her with bills, money issues, then she’s depressed and needy and vulnerable, then he tells how much he lover her, the kids, etc. and shows his pretend loving father face.
She still tells people he is a good father, despite the fact that her step daughter told her they have abandonment issues because of their N father. She still doesn’t really get it. She says she tries not to think about it, because she doesn’t want to believe that people can be so evil
I have had a NPD person in my life for over 12 years. He is now living in my house and has taken over my home, my car and my bank account. I have made the decision to move out of the state, but I need him to leave my house as I need the income for my house to sustain myself. I am scared as he feels entitled to everything I have which is not much anymore, but it is mine. He makes me taking care of myself out to be something I am doing to hurt him, and I know that is not true. I have been through therapy and have worked very hard to recover from many things I have been through, but this is the largest thing I need to resolve in my life and I need help. The people in my life that care about me and support me keep telling me I need to get him out of my life and I know I do, but the only way I know how is to leave my own home. If you have any suggestions please help me. I am told to call the police, but they will not be on stand by I have to call 911 if something happens. I would hope to defuse the problem before something happens, but I don’t know how.
Professionals; please do keep working on this. Just a look at a few social community pages on this subject is enough to make it obvious that MANY people are being hurt by narcs….and there are MANY narcs walking around out there; mine, now at 50 years old, has destroyed 3 families, kids and wives, that I know of…..and is now working on his 4th, but I have no idea what stage that relationship is in; probably by now he is looking for another victim, because I was able to discover and warn the one that came after me. Blew his cover on the lies. I was hurt very badly, but the ONLY reason this guy did not make mush of me was because the fool was a drug abuser and almost killed himself in my home with liver failure (caused by excessive Percocet use.) The liver failure put him in encephalopathy, during which I had to diaper him and care for him like an invalid. But when I weaned him off the drugs and he realized that he had ruined his respect for himself, he went into full narcissistic rage; I had seen him make this incredibly stupid mistake which he ego could not bear, and suddenly (through switching) I was demonized and a new target was needed…an enabler for the drugs he went back to in addition to a fresh source of ego boost. (But of course he didn’t tell number 4 he had an addiction; he told her that doctors gave him drugs that killed his liver.) I can only imagine the even worse horror I might have gone through if he hadn’t run away to suppress this episode and, from all I’ve heard, truly convince himself it never happened. If I were young, I’d study the field myself, but my life is in autumn; so, I’ll write a book. But you who can do so, please do the research….help stop the pain!
Hi Damara,
I am sorry that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, especially as it was a parent. Congratulations of having escaped, perhaps in time your brother will too, although many victims don’t. You are right when you say that very few understand the depth of narcissistic abuse on the victim, that is what I am trying to address. Unfortunately most of my time is spent working one-to-one with the victims, so I am hardly finding time to write the books that are needed for teaching other professionals. There is wonderful teachings on the Narcissistic Forums, and it is personal lived experience at that.
I am delighted that you found a psychotherapist that understands the trauma you have experienced, these therapists are rare, therefore hard to find. Long before I understood narcissistic abuse myself I actually worked in a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Unit within a psychiatric hospital. While there I learned EMDR and Hypnotherapy….. and these skills have proven to be very effective when working with victims in my therapy room.
It takes great courage to embrace the journey of recovery, but it is very well worth doing. Apart from bringing peace and understanding to your mind, it also plays a big part in preventing being re-victimized again by another narcissist….. because they are attracted to victims who have already been conditioned just like a moth is attracted to a flame. It is one thing to learn all about narcissistic behaviour and to work through the pain of that abuse, and it is another thing to learn how you danced the narcissist’s dance….. because if you don’t fully know the answer to this you may still be vulnerable to re-victimization. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying the victim is at fault, not at all. What I am saying is that in order to survive the insidious narcissistic abuse (especially in early childhood) a child develops unconscious defense mechanisms to help them survive….. and it is amazing how they do this.
For me, I grew up with a narcissistic psychopathic older brother (whom I loved, he was my hero). A lot of the time he was a beautiful soul (or so I thought), then at other times it was living in a war-zone, and I was his hostage. In order to survive I learned to be passive, compliant, a pleaser. Because he blamed me for everything….. if he hurt me it was because I should have known not to have done something, or said something that he did not like….. so it was my fault. I became responsible for minding his moods, keeping him happy, saving him from shame. This of course developed into my being over responsible for everybody I entered into relationship with, anybody’s problems instintly became mine once they shared them with me. My level of empathy became so advanced and acute that I could feel everybody’s pain, and felt responsible to ease it. When
I think about it, my home was the place where I became “a little therapist”, my studies later only honed those skills (ha! ha!).
Neathless to say, my brother was not the only narcissist attracted to me…… I was the narcissists dream! I was so well conditioned to pleasing and taking care of others that it was an automatic response. Don’t let us knock “the pleasing stance” because it was a clever survival mechanism that really did help to keep me safe when I was so little and vulnerable. Once my brother was happy, then I was able to survive another day. This is not an over exaggeration, with time my brother became worse, three siblings ended up in hospital in the intensive care unit (ICU), it is a miracle that he did not kill one of us. In the end everybody abandoned him, we were all forced to do “no contact” as it was just too unsafe to be with him and his spontaneous and unpredictable rages. He did make the mistake to attack someone outside the home, and this person brought charges against him. He went to prison for 2 years for cutting the man’s throat…. the man made the mistake of hassling him to hurry up when he was
in a public phone box (trying to find his family who had fled and abandoned him), and he made the mistake of thinking that he would get away with the behaviour from an outsider that he did with his family through the years. My brother died alone, and it was a week before anybody found him. This is a sadness that we who all loved him have to live with. There are no winners when it comes to malignant narcissism, this personality disorder effects so many.
Keep up the good work, get yourself healthy, because there really is life after narcissistic abuse. I know that my life was the main school of my knowledge today, and without that experience I know that I would not be on the journey that I am now. When I retire I will have more time to write and educate more therapists to be able to understand Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. But I want the education to go further, into the medical
profession, to the family doctors, to the police force, to the Judges, to solicitors, to anybody who is in a position to deal with this form of abuse.
Hi Damara, I am sorry that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, especially as it was a parent.
Congratulations of having escaped, perhaps in time your brother will too, although many victims don’t. You are right when you say that very few understand the depth of narcissistic abuse on the victim, that is what I am trying to address. Unfortunately most of my time is spent working one-to-one with the victims, so I am hardly finding time to write the books that are needed for teaching other professionals. There is wonderful teachings on the Narcissistic Forums, and it is personal lived experience at that.
I am delighted that you found a psychotherapist that understands the trauma you have experienced, these therapists are rare, therefore hard to find. Long before I understood narcissistic abuse myself I actually worked in a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Unit within a psychiatric hospital. While there I learned EMDR and Hypnotherapy….. and these skills have proven to be very effective when working with victims in my therapy room.
It takes great courage to embrace the journey of recovery, but it is very well worth doing. Apart from bringing peace and understanding to your mind, it also plays a big part in preventing being re-victimized again by another narcissist….. because they are attracted to victims who have already been conditioned just like a moth is attracted to a flame. It is one thing to learn all about narcissistic behaviour and to work through the pain of that abuse, and it is another thing to learn how you danced the narcissist’s dance….. because if you don’t fully know the answer to this you may still be vulnerable to re-victimization. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying the victim is at fault, not at all. What I am saying is that in order to survive the insidious narcissistic abuse (especially in early childhood) a child develops unconscious defense mechanisms to help them survive….. and it is amazing how they do this.
For me, I grew up with a narcissistic psychopathic older brother (whom I loved, he was my hero). A lot of the time he was a
beautiful soul (or so I thought), then at other times it was living in a war-zone, and I was his hostage. In order to
survive I learned to be passive, compliant, a pleaser. Because he blamed me for everything….. if he hurt me then it was my fault,
it was because I should have known not to have done something, or said something that he did not like….. so it was my fault. I became
responsible for minding his moods, keeping him happy, saving him from shame. This of course developed into my being overly responsible for everybody I entered into relationship with, anybody’s problems instinctively became mine once they shared them with me. My level of empathy became so advanced and acute that I could feel everybody’s pain, and felt responsible to ease it. When I think about it, my home was the place where I became “a little therapist”, my studies later only honed those skills (ha! ha!).
Neathless to say, my brother was not the only narcissist attracted to me…… I was the narcissists dream! I was so well conditioned to pleasing and taking care of others that it was an automatic response. Don’t let us knock “the pleasing stance” because it was a clever survival mechanism that really did help to keep me safe when I was so little and vulnerable. Once my brother was happy, then I was able to survive another day.
Keep up the good work, get yourself healthy, because there really is life after narcissistic abuse. I know that my life was the main school of my knowledge today, and without that experience I know that I would not be on the journey that I am now. When I retire I will have more time to write and educate more therapists to be able to understand Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. But I want the education to go further, into the medical profession, to the family doctors, to the police force, to the Judges, to solicitors, to the Family Systems…..to anybody who is in a position to deal with this form of abuse.
Hi Damara,
I am sorry that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, especially as it was a parent. Congratulations of having escaped, perhaps in time your brother will too, although many victims don’t. You are right when you say that very few understand the depth of narcissistic abuse on the victim, that is what I am trying to address. Unfortunately most of my time is spent working one-to-one with the victims, so I am hardly finding time to write the books that are needed for teaching other professionals. There is wonderful teachings on the Narcissistic Forums, and it is personal lived experience at that.
I am delighted that you found a psychotherapist that understands the trauma you have experienced, these therapists are rare, therefore hard to find. Long before I understood narcissistic abuse myself I actually worked in a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Unit within a psychiatric hospital. While there I learned EMDR and Hypnotherapy….. and these skills have proven to be very effective when working with victims in my therapy room.
It takes great courage to embrace the journey of recovery, but it is very well worth doing. Apart from bringing peace and understanding to your mind, it also plays a big part in preventing being re-victimized again by another narcissist….. because they are attracted to victims who have already been conditioned just like a moth is attracted to a flame. It is one thing to learn all about narcissistic behaviour and to work through the pain of that abuse, and it is another thing to learn how you danced the narcissist’s dance….. because if you don’t fully know the answer to this you may still be vulnerable to re-victimization. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying the victim is at fault, not at all. What I am saying is that in order to survive the insidious narcissistic abuse (especially in early childhood) a child develops unconscious defense mechanisms to help them survive….. and it is amazing how they do this.
For me, I grew up with a narcissistic psychopathic older brother (whom I loved, he was my hero). A lot of the time he was a beautiful soul (or so I thought), then at other times it was living in a war-zone, and I was his hostage. In order to survive I learned to be passive, compliant, a pleaser. Because he blamed me for everything….. if he hurt me it was because I should have known not to have done something, or said something that he did not like….. so it was my fault. I became responsible for minding his moods, keeping him happy, saving him from shame. This of course developed into my being over responsible for everybody I entered into relationship with, anybody’s problems instintly became mine once they shared them with me. My level of empathy became so advanced and acute that I could feel everybody’s pain, and felt responsible to ease it. When
I think about it, my home was the place where I became “a little therapist”, my studies later only honed those skills (ha! ha!).
Neathless to say, my brother was not the only narcissist attracted to me…… I was the narcissists dream! I was so well conditioned to pleasing and taking care of others that it was an automatic response. Don’t let us knock “the pleasing stance” because it was a clever survival mechanism that really did help to keep me safe when I was so little and vulnerable. Once my brother was happy, then I was able to survive another day. This is not an over exaggeration, with time my brother became worse, three siblings ended up in hospital in the intensive care unit (ICU), it is a miracle that he did not kill one of us. In the end everybody abandoned him, we were all forced to do “no contact” as it was just too unsafe to be with him and his spontaneous and unpredictable rages. He did make the mistake to attack someone outside the home, and this person brought charges against him. He went to prison for 2 years for cutting the man’s throat…. the man made the mistake of hassling him to hurry up when he was
in a public phone box, and he made the mistake of thinking that he would get away with the behaviour from an outsider that he did with his family through the years. My brother died alone, and it was a week before anybody found him. This is a sadness that we who all loved him have to live with. There are no winners when it comes to malignant narcissism, this personality disorder effects so many.
Keep up the good work, get yourself healthy, because there really is life after narcissistic abuse. I know that my life was the main school of my knowledge today, and without that experience I know that I would not be on the journey that I am now. When I retire I will have more time to write and educate more therapists to be able to understand Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. But I want the education to go further, into the medical
profession, to the family doctors, to the police force, to the Judges, to solicitors, to anybody who is in a position to deal with this form of abuse.
Warmest regards.
Christine
For years I have sought help with the results of NPD. Psychologists were not understanding the problem. I am the scapegoat who escaped ! Sadly my brothers did not as my N mother specialised in men.
My experience had been that no one truly understood this and I sought forums for support. I agree that many organisations are not up with the negative psychological behaviour of personality disordered people.
Now I have a psychotherapist who understands that I have suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my N mother’s behaviour and we are making good progress. We are using EMDR therapy (rapid eye movement therapy) to unlock the emotional issues hidden with that abused child.
I would encourage those who are struggling to find help that you read and learn as much as possible to support yourself. It is necessary to bear the brunt of not being believed when the N’s are so clever at making YOU the problem. Those people are victims too, of ignorance, so stay with what you truly know.
I have been a victim of narcassistic abuse for over 20 years without realising until 2 years ago when my marriage finally ended and an outsider pointed out that my ex had NPD. I have researched and researched the condition for months and have tried to seek expert help from counsellors in order to come to terms with the awful and traumatic behaviour of my ex and the profound effect it has had on me and my children. I have visited websites which have helped immensely and have been the only tool to enlighten me of the condition. I finally felt through reading about it and other peoples similar stories that someone was recognising what was (and still is) going on in my life.
I have only concluded that there is very little help out there. Narcassists are extremely clever at pulling the wool over the eyes of people in authority e.g. police, the courts, solicitors etc leaving the victim (myself)to look like a fool. They are pathological liars, make stories up and manufacture situations in order to confuse, terrorise and manipulate the victim. Unless a person has been emotionally involved with a narcissists they are not able to understand the extent of the emotional damage and destruction they are capable of.
The condition should and MUST be recognised by society and particularly in the counselling sector. My life has been in turmoil and no matter how hard I try to make the ex accountable for the lies and terror he has caused, it is always futile and in fact makes him worse. I have witnessed how he has operated with other people for many years and this has what made me stay with him for so long…..i knew I would recieve an onslaught if I dared to leave. My children became in danger from him and there was no choice. His onslaught has been relentless and still continues 2 years later despite him having a new wife and so called life. I never know from which angle he will attack me from.
I live in fear, particularly for my 2 young children who have to have contact with him, ordered through the courts. I have tried to make my voice be heard to those in authority but they can see nothing wrong, only that I am a bitter ex wife and he used this tactic in court. I am no match for a narcissist who can not feel compassion and will stop at nothing to gain power and control, the more you try to play them at their own game the more you hurt yourself because it is against your nature.
I would love nothing more than to find an organisation that understands narcissism and is there to help victims deal with courts, finances, children etc from a third party view point. I can not deal with my ex, but am persecuted by authorities for not haivng the strength to do so. The only form of dealing wth them is to cut all contact with them, this has been my saviour. However, when children are involved it is difficult to adhere to. Cafcass were involved in custodial proceedings and considered that I was at fault for not having contact with him and using our older children/grandparents as a go between. I can see that they thought it selfish but they did not acknowledge it was my only protection from being drawn into his sadistic and evil world. That world wasnt visible to them. I still keep contact to a bear minimum but when it has to be re-instated, my world begins to crumble once again…..if there is anybody out there PLEASE PLEASE listen and have people in place that are equipped to deal with the narcassist on behalf of those that are emotionally connected to them and arent able.
It is a real conditon, they are dangerous people.
Thank you for all you are doing to education therapists and the pubic about NPD and the caustic affects it has on the victims. By the way, have you ever noticed that most people in top executive positions are narcissistic at some level? I think this is an epidemic caused by a lack not only of education but of allowing people like this to continue to rule the world.
An excellent article on NPD. As I now end my 25 year marriage with a woman who suffers from this dis-ease, I am finding the courage to look at my own inner child. I know I have work to do and will be seeking a good therapist to help me through the next few years. My hope is that I somehow helped shiled my 2 kids, now 23 and 19, from the majority of their mother’s illness. She and I did well in raising them to be independent and strong, but we failed utterly to model what a loving relationship should be.
I am escaping with the rest of my life. I will always have to deal with my current wife b/c of our kids but I am going to find ways to not be shamed and blamed, to stand tall and to deflect her illness.
Was Betty Broderick a narcissistic ?
I’m not a therapist. I’m exactly what you describe. A Narcissistic Victim. I’ve actively been searching for an expert in NPD and C-PTSD to no real avail.
I saw a Psychologist in Becember. But, somehow, I didn’t feel she understood the magnitude of what I’d been through and the efefct it had one me. It looks like I was right.
I’m in Nova Scotia.
Can you help ?
Thanks.