The Dyadic Pairing Of the Pathological Narcissist and their Co-narcissist Victim
How can two children living in the same household with the same parents have such different childhood experiences? Experiences that leads to one child becoming a pathological narcissist in adulthood, and the other to become a pathological co-narcissist?
Ultimately, the answer to this conundrum lies in how each child manages their “shame”.
In my own situation, one child (Gerard, my brother, the narcissist) managed his shame by developing an antagonistic interpersonal style, with his constant need to manipulate, dominate and control everyone (a dependence pattern); while the other child (myself, Gerard’s younger sister, the co-narcissistic caretaker) managed my shame by adopting a co-operative helpful interpersonal style, with a constant need to please and take care of everyone (a nurturance pattern).
Clearly, both children are traumatised by their shameful events, and each develops their own pathology and schemas to survive.
When there is a match between the goals of the two individuals (one wants to receive something, and the other wants to give something), they will be interpersonally complementary, and both will feel somewhat fulfilled through the other (dyadic pairing).
This is the narcissistic and co-narcissistic “convoluted dance” in action. Just like the Tango, one partner leads and controls the movement of the dance, while the other partner submits.
The narcissistic/co-narcissistic dance locks both partners into a pattern of one-up-manship, and one-down-manship, and the dance continues if both are willing to be dance partners.
This dance is universal between all narcissists and their co-narcissistic victims, but it generally proceeds through four phases. In the beginning, the dance is exciting, and the relationship seems to work well for both while in the rush of the first stanza (the Idealisation Phase).
In this phase, the narcissist becomes totally motivated towards “reward”. Their ‘Seeking System’ gets switched “on” in the brain’s reward centre (the dopamine-producing areas where motivation and desire arise). The dopamine high increases the narcissist’s reward seeking behaviours as they set out to hook their new source of narcissistic supply (victim).
While in pursuit of the chase, they also become intentionally focused on grooming their new target (victim), this is an important part of the conditioning for keeping the victim hooked to them, no matter what happens.
In this phase the narcissist is at their most attractive, attentive, seductive, and may even display compassion at times. The grooming manipulates the victim to bond with the narcissist and the illusion that is being presented to them. That is, the illusion that they are in a loving, healthy relationship with someone that cares for them in the same way that they care for the narcissist.
After the intensity of the first phase, it is almost impossible for the victim to imagine that the relationship is not genuine, never mind being a mere fantasy.
The narcissist’s fantasies become the expressions that fuel their Seeking System, and secretes dopamine and other chemicals that are highly addictive. At the same time, the seduction and love bombing works on the co-narcissistic victim, and they too are flooded with chemicals (i.e. dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, etc.) creating a deep connection with their narcissist. Many victims become spellbound, the intensity of the relationship leads the victim to believe that they have found their ‘soul-mate’. But the honeymoon phase does not usually last long. With time, the co-narcissist may feel that the relationship is not being reciprocated, they may also feel like they are being pushed around and being taken advantage of. Because the co-narcissist (victim) is far more flexible than the pathological narcissist, they are the one that is likely to look for a mutual equality in the relationship, and start making demands that can lead to deepening the relationship even more.
However, the narcissistic perpetrator is far too brittle to bend to the needs and wants of the co-narcissist partner, their desire is to be the centre of the co-narcissists world (to be taken care of).
Consequently, when things seem to be getting worse instead of better, the co-narcissist begins to pull away, and not be quite so accommodating to the pathological narcissist.
The narcissist immediately experiences this ‘moving-away’ as rejection or abandonment, and they react by devaluing the co-narcissist victim. Without the excitement of the dopamine rush, the narcissist gets bored and slips into their baseline status where they are no longer stimulated.
With their ‘Reward Centre’ now switched “off”, boredom sets in, and any semblance of a bond is severed. The narcissist becomes callous and cold, and they strike out in anger at their victim. The relationship enters the second stanza (Devaluing Phase), and a lack of mutuality is being experienced by both in the relationship. There is trouble in Paradise, and the co-narcissist has falling from grace for having rejected and abandoned the narcissist during the dance.
If things do not change back to where they were (with the co-narcissist being accommodating and nurturing), then the disgruntled narcissist is likely to become very punishing, or they may decide to start looking for a new source of narcissistic supply.
The relationship is now doomed, and the narcissist moves into the third stanza (Discarding Phase), which generally leads to the co-narcissist being discarded in favour of the new source of supply. The dramatic Tango comes to its end, whether the narcissist leaves the relationship or not. The victim, although still bonded to the narcissist, will experience the painful feelings of being discarded and abandoned. They will then be subjected to the psychological warfare that goes with narcissistic abuse (i.e. gaslighting, projections, stonewalling, triangulation, intimidation, invalidation, scapegoating, etc.).
But there is a fourth stanza that is not always mentioned, it is called “The Hoover Manoeuvre” that most co-narcissists will face from time to time. The term “Hoover Manoeuvre” is a metaphor taken from the famous brand of vacuum cleaner known for its powerful suction, and is used to explain how the abusive pathological narcissist asserts their right to suck the victim back into the relationship for further oxygen whenever they feel inclined. Characteristically, it follows the discard phase (where they physically, mentally, or emotionally, discarded you).
When you enter into a relationship with the narcissist, what you don’t know is that you have unwittingly entered into a psychological contract that you are theirs for all time.
This sucking of the co-narcissist victim back to them time and time again confirms the cognitive dissonance that keeps the victim tied to them. The tactics may be either benign or malignant in nature, depending on how the co-narcissistic victim enters the narcissist’s sphere of influence.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
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I’ve been interested in for some time in why it is that my brother has NPD and I developed BPD – opposite ends of the spectrum – when we were both raised in the same abusive family. I believe our genetically inherited personalities prime us for which way the gun of neglectful and shaming parenting will be aimed. Do you agree?
Christine writes: “When you enter into a relationship with the narcissist, what you don’t know is that you have unwittingly entered into a psychological contract that you are theirs for all time.
This sucking of the co-narcissist victim back to them time and time again confirms the cognitive dissonance that keeps the victim tied to them. The tactics may be either benign or malignant in nature, depending on how the co-narcissistic victim enters the narcissist’s sphere of influence.”
The relationship I entered into with a narcissist happened when I was born. The narcissist is my father. There are no words to describe the inherent evil this man is capable of. Recently I have been researching the connection between narcissism and dementia. There is an intricate association. The difficulty is that the narcissist, even if those around him notice signs of dementia, is still convincing, slippery, and smooth enough to fool people. Yet if on some level he is aware that he might be “losing it” a little bit, he finds his narcissistic supply to maintain his veneer by perhaps flaunting his wealth in front of women — especially younger women, who might start paying extra attention to him. Often these women might be professionals, such as attorneys, bankers, investors, etc. He may wine and dine them, take them out to lunch, or socialize with them after hours. In his insatiable need to feel sorry for himself, he pours his heart out to them, while without knowing it, he is being taken advantage of.
My father has kept me in a stranglehold since my mother died in 2007. He figured out a way to hold the money that rightfully belongs to me, while “administering” this to me as a “trust.” Nowhere has he ever disclosed how this trust is set up, or has there ever been legal representation of this trust.
Recently it came to my attention that there was nefarious activity in the way he settled my grandmother’s estate. Not only was he financially and psychologically abusive of his siblings as he “settled” the estate, but it also seems he embezzled money with the help of his attorney with whom he had a joint personal checking account; both their names, Joe Smith and Jane Doe (not Attorney Jane Doe) and his address.
In 2007 he appointed me Uniform Durable Power of Attorney. I exercised that right which was how I discovered his checking account with Jane Doe. When I became concerned that he may be exploited financially by this attorney, I proceeded to submit the Uniform Durable POA and other documents to the bank to review his other accounts in case there were large sums of money withdrawn.
When I phoned Kristine, a voluptuous young blond who has been his financial advisor since 2007, to make an appointment with her to review his accounts, explaining to her that I was Uniform Durable POA, she was abruptly rude and disrespectful. She said, “I have a problem with that because I just saw him the other day and he seems perfectly capable of handling his finances to me.” I told her I would submit the POA documents but decided against that because of her defensive reaction to my call. I didn’t feel she was trustworthy. I went over her head to the bank president and faxed in the documents to Kristine’s supervisor. After many unanswered phone calls and extended telephone tag, I learned from Kristine’s supervisor that the “document” they had on file shows that I am no longer the POA.
Long story short, my father emailed me a week after Kristine phoned him to see if I was the POA. Even after trying to explain to her what my concerns were, obviously he has trashed me to her somewhere along the line, and in addition, she betrayed my trust by phoning him. Meanwhile, they needed about a week so he could pull the rug out from underneath me.
The nature of the email I received from him was so slimy, so evil, so cunning, that even Hoover couldn’t do a better job of sucking the life out of me. Fortunately I have recently found a very helpful attorney who will mediate a meeting with my father as I no longer feel safe around him alone, even though he is 88. It doesn’t matter how old Satan is — Satan is still Satan. And Satan is now saying that after he dies, this trust that he has been administering is set up as another trust that will be controlled by Bank X so he can control me from his grave.
It is time to sever ties with him legally. Because the life has been sucked out of me and I am literally struggling to survive, yes, I have become financially dependent upon the money he “administers” me. The depths of disgust, despair, heartbreak, and absolute revulsion can not be adequately described in words. I guess the best way is to say that even though this is not me, if he died tomorrow, I would delight in pi$$ing on his grave. Since his physical beatings began when I wasn’t even yet 3 years old, his emotional, psychological, physical, moral, financial, and sexual abuses, have never ended, and never will unless I take charge to sever ties. A baptismal vow is to renounce Satan. If I am to remain loyal to that vow, since nothing else matters, I must renounce my father, completely, forever. Sad, but true. The man is Satan himself.
Christine, thank God for your website.
This was my entire relationship with my child’s father in a nutshell. What’s crazy to me is that I felt something was wrong, but I had no clue how dysfunctional our relationship was. How dysfunctional he was, and how my childhood shaped my dysfunctionality as well. He is still attempting to Hoover me, but with the knowledge that I’ve aquired and the work I’ve done on myself, I am much less susceptible to his manipulation and abuse. At least now I am fully aware of what is truly going on.
In about 2016 I came across your article on gaslighting on the Internet. I’m not sure why I googled gaslighting, but your article was the first I read. That prompted my journey of researching and healing. Thank you so much for helping me to evolve. Had I not come across this information, I fear I would’ve continued living in an illusioned state.