PEOPLE WILL BE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES
Narcissism is addressed in the Bible in Paul’s second pastoral epistle to Timothy (2 Timothy 3:1-7) in the fall of A.D.67. Paul seems to be concerned about the character and behavior of leaders within the church, so he warns Timothy to beware of those who act out of a “self love attitude”. He says, “But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away.” Here Paul names many of the attributes associated (in psychology) to-day with the narcissistic personality we are all becoming so familiar with.
The Science of Psychology and Narcissism as a scholarly study is relatively young, barely more than a century old in fact. However, the term “Narcissism” is not confined to psychology alone, it is also seen through the lens of other disciplines, such as sociology (i.e. Narcissistic Culture); Political Science (i.e. Citizenship and Moral Narcissism); Criminology (i.e The Narcissist and Threatened Egotism); Theological Anthropology (i.e. Theism and Narcissism); Theology (i.e Hedonism and Narcissism).
In Psychology, the term “Narcissism” was first introduced by Alfred Binet (Sexologist) in 1887, however, its usage today has grown more from the notions of Freud’s work in 1914. Mankind has been interested in all aspects of mental processes and behaviour over many millennium, as far back as two thousand years ago the Ancient Greeks explored the meaning of the mind through the myth of Narcissus.
Contrasting the Bible with Psychology:
Let us take a few moments to contrast and compare what St.Paul says to Timothy two thousand years ago with today’s psychological understanding of what narcissism is:-
St. Paul says: “For men will be lovers of themselves”
Psychology says: The narcissist form of self love is not a healthy one, as they are really full of self-hatred and self-loathing, which they must disown. Unable to love their True Self, they fall in love with a reflection of themselves (False Self). It is through this projected image that a narcissist is able to generate the much needed Narcissistic Supply that they crave for their very survival. When I speak of “Narcissistic supply” I am referring to whatever feeds the appetites of the narcissistic defenses, whether that currency is Primary or Secondary Supply.
St. Paul says: “Lovers of money”
Psychology says: The narcissist needs money to maintain the false image and keep them on the pedestal they put themselves on. Money is the enabler that allows them to surround themselves with symbols of wealth; the flashy car, the big house, the clothes etc. Wealth to the narcissist portrays both psychological and financial power, putting them on a pedestal of “greatness” where they can be worshiped by everybody, including themselves. They are addicted to adoration and attention, money buys that for them. Because the narcissist grew up feeling deprived of love, they are always seeking love substitutes, and money represents that love that they constantly seek. Money, and their attitudes to it, affects all of the narcissist’s relationships. For example, it is a useful commodity for cajoling and seducing people as a source of future narcissistic supply.
The narcissist uses their open display of money in order to get social approval, this often adds to their sense of entitlement. That sense of entitlement often leads them to feel that they are also entitled to other people’s money, they will use any means for extracting what money they can from others. Their grandiose fantasy leads them to believe that they have more money then they really have, and this often lends them to spend recklessly. Money is also useful when their frail ego takes a blow, when this happens they are likely to go on compulsive shopping sprees to comfort and calm themselves. Overstretched and in debt, they are always looking for ways of making more money, so they will hound people, or even commit financial crimes in order to get it.
St. Paul says: “Boasters”
Psychology says: Boasting is a key trait of narcissism. The narcissist boasts about everything, exaggerating their achievements, success, wealth, education, occupation, conquests, power etc, anything in fact that helps them to build a grandiose image. The narcissist suffers from jealousy and envy, anything another person has they want, so they set out to get it. They use their grandiose image as part of their art of seduction in order to attract others to them for their exploitation. However, once they extract what they want from this person they lose respect for them, they are then soon discarded in a terrible fashion, often ruining their reputation in the process. The truth is that narcissists have little or no self-esteem or self-worth of their own (no such ego functions), in fact their boasting implicitly implies a serious lack of self-worth. Boasting has many advantages for the narcissist; to start with, it acts as a defense mechanism against feeling inferior. In order to mask their underlying feelings of inferiority, not just to the world, but to their own self, the narcissist has to maintain their image of superiority, and boasting helps them do that. When you are in their favour, then you will have to be prepared to endure a pretty much one sided relationship, where they are the constant topic of conversation, with their “I”, “me”, “my” and “mine”. If you do manage to talk about yourself, you will soon see them become bored and impatient with the conversation, and somehow the conversation switches back to them, and once again they are in the limelight.
St. Paul says: “Proud”
Psychology says: The narcissist’s inflated pride convinces them that they are superior to everybody else. In such a place of pridefulness, the narcissist is overly sensitive to any form of actual or perceived criticism that could threaten their self-image and cause them shame. They will react harshly and haughtily to anybody who dares to threaten their false self and magical thinking; therefore threats will not be tolerated for an instant. As the narcissist is always right in their own mind, they will judge anybody in opposition to them immediately as being inferior to them, and therefore deserving of their rage and retribution for daring to attack or humiliation them.
Paul says: Blasphemers
Psychology says: Narcissists cannot handle being upstaged in any way; you must not be seen to be more powerful, more successful, more beautiful, more intelligent, in fact “more” anything. To do so renders you to becoming the narcissist’s arch enemy, an instant rival to be spoken of in an irreverent or impious manner. Narcissists are masters at using character assassination as a subtle railing tactic to undermine anybody who poses as a threat to their fragile self. Preoccupied with living in their fantasy of power and brilliance, their fragile ego is easily offended, and can often find offense where none is intended. Whether the threat is real or imagined, the aggressive, attacking and abusive narcissist will retaliate by setting out to expose and destroy any person who poses as a threat, and he will do it in any way possible; defame the person with lies and gossip without conscience, then happily by proxy, where they use others to become unwitting character assassins for them. Many narcissists operate through a “God Complex” that is so arrogant that they consider themselves as living Gods, and more than that, they are a god that does not submit to any mere mortal.
St. Paul says: Disobedient to parents.
Psychology says: In the context of the Bible, the parent represents “authority”. The narcissist does not bow to any authority; they see life in terms of self-entitlement in the pursuit of serving their own needs. For that reason, their inner drive is not driven by community values, actually they sneer at them. They do not respect an authority which endeavors to constrain them and make them accountable for their actions; on the contrary, they prefer to live by their own flexible laws and rules of engagement where they are the “authority”. They dedicate their waking time to the constant pursuit of acquiring their own personal authority, and this can be achieved by any means available to them: through their immediate family, the workplace, friends, colleagues, peers etc. Indeed any type of relationship that guarantees their flow of Narcissistic Supply will suffice, and in the procurement of their much needed supply, the narcissist will gladly misuse their authority in order to reach their goal. Furthermore, the narcissist sees themself as a guru, and therefore is inclined to encourage a personality cult following from all their relationships. Then like all cult leaders, they demand total obedience and control over their dominion.
St. Paul says: Unthankful:
Psychology says: Because of their immense sense and expectation of superior entitlement, narcissists are ungrateful and unthankful for whatever they have been given in life. Because they regard themselves as “special”, they seriously believe that they are entitled to have whatever they are given. Generally, with such an exaggerated sense of self importance, their actual levels of achievements are not in accord with their fantasy. Because the narcissist is addicted to excessive amounts of admiration, they come to expect preferential treatment when dealing with others. In short, they live in a world of fantasy, a world in which they are brilliant, powerful and successful in every way imaginable. They expect people to dance around them, so why should they be thankful for anything; actually, it is others who should be thankful to be in the service of such resplendence. If one is silly enough to tell them that they are “ungrateful”, they will defend their right to their entitlement to the very end. They will be outraged by your criticism, and they will insist on a full repayment from you before they will ever consider forgiving you, and if they don’t get it, they will hold a grudge on principle, their need for revenge will be high, and you are likely to be alienated.
St. Paul says: Unholy
Psychology says: The purpose of all human life is to become “Holy”, holy means to become “whole”. When we are whole we are grounded in a sense of our True Self, and the interconnectedness with all that is sacred. That interconnectedness is directed by the natural laws of love, wisdom, reverence and compassion, where we can be other centered. Narcissists, on the other hand, are solitary beings who are grounded in a False Self that renders them addicted to their own self-centeredness. Focused only on their own needs and wants, they become “unholy” predators cut off from all life (secular and sacred). They are at the centre of their universe, with little or no moral code they become intent on violating everything in their sights in order to get their needs met. In doing so they have no consideration for any damage they cause to others. It is such evil intent that becomes the dualistic opposite of good, rendering the narcissist unholy.
St. Paul says: Unloving
Psychology says: Ego Psychology uses the term “Narcissism” to describe someone who is self-centered, and in love with their own image (as in the myth of Narcissus). Narcissists, by and large, grow up feeling unloved and abandoned. Without experiencing the mirroring of love from another, they lack the ability to love others, or even themselves. Freud spoke of “primary narcissism” as a necessary stage of infant development. He theorized that before a child could love others, it must first learn to love itself. A child devoid of love experiences intolerable painful feelings. In order to survive, they cut-off from these painful feelings and develop an idealized false-self mask that camouflages their suppressed inner feelings of being defective and unlovable. Suspicious and fearful of their own disowned feelings, they then become suspicious of any displays of affection toward them. They interpret these displays of feelings by others as a sign of weakness. This weakness in others then becomes a tool for the narcissist to exploit and manipulate for self gain. While cut off from their true feelings, they fail to develop true empathy for others. As a result, any so-called love relationship the narcissist develops lacks true warmth of affection for the other person; rather it is a relationship that is totally focused on the narcissist’s self gain and self worship.
St. Paul says: Unforgiving
Psychology says: Due to their magical thinking, the narcissist False Self utterly believes that they are unique, omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), in short, perfect in every way. Because they strive for perfection, they cannot face their own shortcomings without it triggering personal shame, and shame causes them to experience narcissistic injury (a threat to self-esteem and self-worth). Their response to narcissistic injury is to invariably fly into a narcissistic rage (Kohut), their rage is a direct reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement. So anybody who dares to humiliate or reject them in any way (whether it be real or imagined) will not be forgiven, and the narcissist will develop an obsessive need for revenge against that person. You may think that you are offering them constructive criticism in a manner that may be helpful to them, but this will not be decoded as being helpful to the narcissist, but rather as a threatening act against them. When they feel threatened they feel like a caged animal, and this is sure to illicit an emotional volatile response from them. In their effort to build their damaged ego and escape from their intolerable narcissistic injury, the narcissist takes flight into an escape plan that involves powerful destructiveness. For such a transgression their escape plan involves punishing you, bringing you down and devaluing you without any mercy…….metaphorically “killing you off”, as it were.
St.Paul says: Slanderers
Psychology says: Narcissists build an inner shrine to themselves where they self-aggrandize to an extraordinary degree so that they can feel intrinsically superior to all others. Of course, their highly inflated view of themselves is an illusory false-self (a pathological ego) that becomes the basis for all future misinterpretations of their reality. Their feelings of being superior in every way to everybody, becomes the source of much pain and envy for them whenever they feel outshined by anybody.
Pathological envy and jealousy is an integral part of narcissism (envy is a desire for what another person has, while jealousy is the fear that something can be taken away). Narcissists are envious of anything in others that they lack in themselves (i.e. beauty, possessions, knowledge, personal qualities, power, skills, achievements, qualifications, relationships, money etc. Their envy consumes them, and the list of their covetousness (“I want, I want”) is endless. Envy is a normal human feeling which can range from mild to severe, from healthy to unhealthy, from positive to negative. For example, “healthy envy” has positive qualities. Healthy envy acts as a valuable guide for your heart, leading you in the direction of what your soul requires, so in effect, the thing you desire acts as a mirror for personal growth. For example, if you envy the knowledge of your tutor in college, perhaps there is a part of your soul that yearns to become a teacher, or to be in a position where you can impart knowledge. Healthy envy is empowering because it brings you nearer to your life’s goal. Whereas, unhealthy envy is disempowering because it keeps you bound to a fantasy, making you blind to your own true nature. Because the narcissist acts out of a False Self, they suffer from a twisted heart, leaving them at the mercy of their “unhealthy envy”, and envy that can trigger their feelings of vulnerability, shame and self-loathing at any moment. Any of these feelings can result in narcissistic injury, to which the narcissist invariably reacts to with rage. In order to rid themselves of such emotional turmoil and recover their equilibrium, the narcissist projects those intolerable feelings outward onto the person of their envy. Once you become the object of the narcissist’s envy you are in serious trouble. In order to improve their own self image they are likely to do a character assassination on you. This is not innocent gossip, rather it is an intentional and premeditated smear campaign of “projection and smearing” that is aimed at maligning you in order to tarnish your reputation and make them feel better about themselves. Be warned, they are cold, ruthless, and self-serving, and by the way, they take no prisoners.
St. Paul says: Without self-control
Psychology says: When we speak of the narcissist in relation to “control”, we find we are dealing with a paradox that is somewhat ironic. In truth, most people would consider narcissists to be “control freaks”, when the fact is they are constantly under the threat of losing self-control. Due to some circumstances in their childhood, the narcissist would have experienced a loss of control that would have a devastating effect to their sense of self. With a poor sense of self they are left feeling very unsafe in all areas of life. The consequences of feeling so out of control, is that they as adults seek to dominate each and every interaction they have, whether it be with an individual or within a group, whether it be in the home, the workplace, or in social settings. This need to control makes them feel powerful. However, their power is not “power with”, but rather “power over”, and this becomes their springboard to verbal and emotional abuse in all their relationships. For the narcissist, power and control go hand in hand. Strangely enough, they see themselves as masters of power and control, however nothing is further from the truth. In reality the narcissist uses acts of control as a major defense against ALL that appears hostile in their eyes. Control is just one of their obsessive multi-addictions in an organized energy-system that they use to insulate their fragile ego from narcissistic injury, to counterbalance their mental peculiarity in their interpersonal connection with others, and to shield them from their constant feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
At first glance the narcissist appears to the unsuspecting onlooker as being full of self-control; they come across as charismatic, educated, confident, charming, and sociable. However whenever the narcissist shows an interest in someone, it is not as innocent as it first appears. Because of their obsessive need for attention, the narcissist is on the constant lookout for the narcissistic supply that they crave. They are really good at making themselves appear attractive to others, they are willing to invest a great deal of energy in the beginning of any relationship so that the person feels safe and secure with them. What the unsuspecting victim does not realize is that they are being enticed to become a source of supply that the narcissist can control and manipulate. When this is achieved, the narcissist feels empowered and in control of everything within their sphere of influence (i.e. the where, the when, the why etc).
St. Paul says: Despisers of good
Psychology says: Most of mankind is motivated by self-interest, however most can exercise impulse control due to their personal core values. Narcissists on the other hand appear to be disconnected from their personal feelings, therefore lacking a personal value system. This lacking of a value system leads also to a lack of integrity, empathy and a social conscience. Operating from a primary impulse drive of self interest, they rationalize that morally wrong actions are justifiable where self glorification is the end goal. Bankrupt of moral obligation, their grandiose sense of entitlement is free to conclude that the world owes them everything, and that rules that apply to everybody else do not apply to them. They are lovers of good, but only when that good applies to them, because they are really true lovers of self. They resent “do gooders” as they trigger their shame. Of course they will deny this, even to themselves, as they boast that they are moral, and lovers of the common good. Their evil behaviour is a direct result of their “lack of the good”, and they will have no moral consciousness about lying about their so-called compassionate, righteous and generous nature, all of which is a deceptive camouflage.
St. Paul says: Traitors
Psychology says: A traitor is one who betrays another’s trust. So in what way does a narcissist betray trust? Narcissists are not interested in authentic relationships, that is why they betray people constantly. However, they do need people to boost their fragile ego, that is why they are always on the lookout for their narcissistic supply. Once a narcissist identifies a person as their potential supply, they will be stalked as prey by their predator. Once the hunt commences, then every trick at seduction will be engaged until the person is truly hooked. Once a victim is hooked they are seen as fair game for total exploitation. Phase one is called the initial “Idealization Stage”, the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mould their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply. If their potential prey is part of a group, they will target them in such a way until they manage to separate them from all protective friends. For a while the narcissist will shower them with attention in their bid to glean all knowledge about them, their value system, their vulnerability, their interests, their needs and wants. They will then feign those same common interests in such a way that the unsuspecting victim believes that they have found their soul-mate, someone who understands them fully. The victim mistakes what is happening in the relationship as friendship, rather than being a victim who is being used to provide the narcissist with something that they lack. When the narcissist has what they want, they will move into The Devaluation Stage: Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s fall from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissist’s loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The narcissist “gaslighting behaviour” has reached its peak, and they despise who their supply person has become (weak and worthlessly inferior). Having been devoured, the victim’s utility is exhausted, and the game enters into The Discarding Phase: Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the contest, and the fun is over and they go in for the kill without any remorse. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. It is this behaviour of setting out to find a victim to use, abuse, then annihilate that makes the narcissist such a traitor
St.Paul says: Headstrong
Psychology says: A person who is headstrong is one that is determined to have their own way, and often this is achieved through willfulness and obstinacy. Headstrong types are not easily restrained; they are ungovernable, obstinate and stubborn. Narcissists are driven by this type of impulsiveness, even though they do their best to hide behind a facade that helps them to look like they have a self that is controlled and micro managed. Truth is that their headstrong nature is neither controlled nor well managed. The narcissist lives in their heads, and their headstrong attribute can be detected in their magnetic eyes, which can be seductive one minute (when they want to get their way), or a raging monster the next (when they feel thwarted in reaching their goal). All narcissists have an inordinate fascination with themselves, and they expect this also of their narcissistic supply. So any act of opposition against them, whether it is real or imagined, is likely to make them become violent, obstinate, ungovernable, intractable, stubborn, unruly, and vengeful.
St.Paul says: haughty
Psychology says: To be haughty means to act with blatant arrogance or disdainful pride. The narcissist displays all of these characteristics in that they consider themselves to be better, more superior than those around them. The haughty narcissist basically has an overall attitude that causes them to scorn others, to see them as inferior, by so doing they set themselves above everybody else. This puts them at the centre of the Universe, with everything revolving around them. They have little or no concern for anybody else, preferring to live by their own rules. It is such pride that often brings them down with the law. Without humility of heart the narcissist has no proper perspective beyond himself. Their haughtiness gives way to grandiosity, an overwhelming need for admiration and entitlement, impaired ability to have empathy towards others, and a lack of commitment to others.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
I feel for anyone in a narcissistic relationship. My best advice would be to run away from that person, and never look back.
I have a brother who has what I would call a severe god like image of himself. He’s argumentative, boastful, a legend in his own mind. He is on his fifth marriage. When he comes around I feel about the same tension as if a tornado was about to strike the house. I have gotten to the point where I have told him not to come around. I’m getting older, and the stress he causes is overwhelming. His conversations always are about himself, and he seems jealous, and judgmental of everyone else. He has cheated on all his wives, and has flirted with relatives wives. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist you won’t cure them. You won’t be the one at fault, but they will make you believe you’re the problem. They have to maintain this fragile god like image of themselves, and anyone that gets in the way will feel their anger, and receive their full wrathful vengeance.
My brother claims to be a Christian, but beware they put themselves on equal grounds with God.
My brother is 69 years old, and is full of drama, and a person to steer clear of.
I’m so thankful to have come across this at this exact time as well. Today when my narc boyfriend took my phone away for a while and wouldn’t give it back (my only distraction I’ve been glued to for months because he has unplugged our WiFi, and the TV uses WiFi too, and I have no energy for hobbies or doing art or even working out) I was sitting in my room literally staring at the floor. I have been so depressed for months now trying to figure out what is even happening to me… well thank the Lord he took my phone away because I desperately wanted any distraction to numb my brain and my Bible was on my night stand.. I prayed for forgiveness from neglecting the Lord for so long and finally read my Bible completely isolated with no other distractions available and I reconnected with God thru reading and prayer… after that I went onto instagram where my feed was showing me video after video of what real narcissistic abuse is… I feel like people have a general concept of what they think a narcissist is. They generally think it’s someone who has to have everything their way and are self absorbed but once you really deep dive into the psychology of it and what causes it and how to heal from it you realize it’s a very sad and complex personality disorder that wreaks havoc on everyone involved including the abuser.. you learn that in the inside the accuser is broken and sadly it’s caused by childhood trauma and not receiving real love at a young age (according to what I’ve researched today).. I really struggle with this being an empath you feel so sad knowing that someone you love never received real love as a child and now as adults are unable to give and receive love… the complexity of it really astonished me.. Being a victim of the abuse from my boyfriend of 3 years (I’m 27 basically now) has been by far one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced. I feel so many emotions.. sadness, depression, regret that maybe if I followed Gods word to not have premarital sex I wouldn’t be in this position… I’ve been reminded about why it’s so important to follow Gods word and his rules for our lives because when we don’t we end up in situations like this.. being abused and hurt so much. This could have been avoided if I actually listened to the Lord, so much time, energy, money, happiness, love has been taken from me.. my family and friends worried about me… I really regret not listening to the word of the lord.. I knew better I was raised with Christian parents and have believed in Jesus since a was very young.. maybe that’s my karma for not heeding the gospel and doing things my own way. The heart is deceiving and I was following my heart too much and not God and now look, my heart deceived me and as usual God is always right. But the silver lining is that this horrible abuse that’s happened to me has already brought me so much closer to God than I have been lately in just one day. I actually have a shimmer of hope now that I read the Bible, and watched this IG videos that were all over my feed, then I went to google and looked up narcissism in the Bible.. which brought me to this website.. everything I guess happens in Gods timing.. thank you Lord <3 all of this on December 31st I get to go into the new year with hope and a way deeper understanding of what is really happening to me with this narcissistic abuse. These past 7 months have been pure confusion and torture not understanding why this is happening to me. I would pray kind of hopeless half hearted prayers but today I felt a real connection to the Lord again after reading the Bible and praying so hard with no distractions. He led me to so much knowledge that I needed to be able to recognize the problem and now I will be able to focus on healing. I have to get away from the narc still but I at least have 100x more comfort knowing that I will be getting thru this with Jesus and not just alone like I’ve been trying to all this time.. family and friends help soooo much but I don’t want to burden them with my extreme depression every day. I’m happy that the lord will be with me every second along the way. I pray for the strength to be able to leave the situation and I pray that my narc will have the grace of God take over him. He believes in Jesus but he’s in a place of having God on the back burner and himself as the #1 for everything. Today he literally told me “I’m gods gift to earth” I laughed and told him only a narcissist would say that and I can see right through you now that I have the knowledge. He didn’t really care… every day love bombing followed by abuse and more love bombing… every hour I go thru both. He has such a strong hold on me but it’s probably just a soul tie I should have never had in the first place.. this would have all been avoided if we never had sex, the sex really solidified our relationship after we did it the 1st time on the 1st day we met. It felt like fireworks nothing i had ever experienced before. I thought It was love at first kiss… that’s too good to be true, it’s all been a lie.. I repent for my sins. I’m going to try to resist having sex with him again while I still live under the same roof… hopefully I can move in February… after that I will be celibate hopefully until I am married. I can feel myself already wanting to be a lot more Christ like just from today alone.. it’s a very hard cycle and it’s not going to be easy but a new seed was planted in my heart today and I don’t want to let the narc ruin it by clouding my brain with depression and abuse… I will be praying a lot because I cannot do this alone I’m too weak.. the narc still has a HUGE hold over me and I love him so much still.. all I can do is pray and try my very hardest to do what I feel the Lord is telling me. I hope I can find my way. God bless you all
I am currently dealing with a covert narcissist husband, but I was only recently able to put a name to it. I know we cannot judge what is truly in a persons heart, only God knows and this has been a real struggle for me as a Christian since he claims to be a Christian. He love bombed me for about 1.5 years and then we got married. During the love bombing, he was kind, loving, generous, caring. All the things I was looking for in a life partner, but it was all an illusion. I noticed changed in him immediately after we got married, but it wasn’t until we moved in together that it was like someone had pull the rug right out from under me. Where had this wonderful man I married gone? He withdrew all love and affection from me. For the past almost 5 years, I go to bed alone every night and wake up alone. He withholds /stonewalls as a form of punishment, usually ignoring anything I say and demanding everything be his way. I tried to be a good wife, but it will never be enough, because what narcissists want is complete servitude, you are an object he owns, not a person. I work full time, pay all the bills, clean house, do yard work, etc., while he sits on the couch all day playing on his phone and/or watching TV, could have some type of addiction, but I have no way to validate that as he has never given me access to anything of his. I am exhausted physically and mentally. Oh the mind games, gaslighting, and vengeful stuff he covertly does to get me back. I will never consider myself a victim though, because I have victory in Jesus. I am currently working on myself and an exit plan as I have read or watched many people talking about what a covert narcissist will do once they realize you are leaving them. He trapped me in a mortgage and he knows I am a responsible person, so doesn’t think I will walk away. I have asked him to leave and he refuses to leave. After all, it is his house in his mind even though he hasn’t paid a cent towards it. I could lose everything I have worked years for, my retirement is almost gone because he insisted on having the nicest things for our new house and I have taken money from it just to make it from one month to the next. He never helps in any way and always says I should have enough money to cover everything. I have tried talking nicely, even confronting him on the fact that I am not willing to live this way and I have gotten what I believe are his true feelings, sometimes their false self will crack. Why are you not going back to work?” response: Because I deserve it! “Why did you tell me you were going to work and then save money to rebuild my retirement and then not do it? You lied to me, you never intended to do that did you?” response: I am sure you have lied to me too! Thanks for letting me tell my story. Denial, deflection and blame shifting are the name of the game for the narcissist abuser. Death by a thousand cuts. He cannot destroy me because my identity is in Jesus. He may take everything I have, but I will keep moving forward. The only thing he has successfully done is cause me to grow closer to Jesus. In the end, he will still be the miserable person that he is. He will never find happiness until he fully submits to God, and that is not likely. I am told not to feel sorry for him because what he does is a choice and he knows full well what he is doing.
Thank you for sharing all of this. This was highly enlightning, as I recently reunited with a parent after 38 years, relocated to her state to be near so that I could have a life with her due to the fact that I found out she is terminally ill, but, long story short, after my Dad passed away, my husband and I moved in with her and we started to notice some very odd behavioral patterns that not only broke my heart, they just didn’t make any sense as to why she was behaving the way she was. Luckily for me, I recognized some of the traits and had taken 3 years of psychology in college and started to research. All of this has been very difficult on me as I am very afraid for her soul. Her love of money and materials is so incredibly perverse that she refuses to take any consideration into what I have advised her and my fear is that she will lose the home that she and my dad worked so very hard to get. Pride cometh before a fall. Thanks again for sharing. This was a fantastic read.
It was hell being born into a relationship with one of these monsters. Took 39 years and near death to break away. It’s my only hope that they all suffer the karma of all the evil they contribute to the world ????
Ver insightful post. And everything mentioned here is 100% true. Thank you for your time and effort behind this one.
Fantastic post. Just imagine living with a person who has this kind of mindset.
NPD….. a Soul overtaken by a controlling spirit. Just as Jezebel inflicted terror into the prophet of God, Elijah, so do these controlling demons wreak TERROR that destroys Souls. Narcissists destroy every thing, and every person with whom they “connect”. Control. Isolation from all family and friends and even mere “acquaintances”! They are NEVER to be questioned, and NEVER to be corrected! They are SUPERIOR; You are INFERIOR…. and they will DRIVE THAT POINT INTO YOU DAY AFTER DAY. They have crossed beyond the “line” of God’s Grace that was right there for them for years. And, they KNOW it! This “knowing” seems only to fuel their disdain for anything Good in you (and there is LOTS), and they seek continually to destroy your Hopes and Dreams. Narc’s are beyond help due to their own Choice. Their “condition” came about as a CHOICE they had to make. Deliverance and Repentance was available; they declined. They know no genuine Love, nor can they Receive Love from anyone. As sad as this reality is, it was the Truth that I personally had to receive BEFORE I could begin my Journey of healing. Thank God for Grace and Love!!
I JUST STEPPED OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE..WHOM I WASTED A YR AND some Months on now … knowing full well I could’ve been better off Single..Well the part s about being sweet, then Cold and not caring the Nxt Day or whatever is true!! Narcissist s are also COWARD S AT THEIR Best as well…they Use anybody and everybody…IM just Grateful I got out of this Situation before it got. Worst….I Knew he was going to betrayal me( that wasn’t a surprise…and Ill be single again to heal my self for a More Healthy Relationship God will Bless me with!! I JUST FEEL BAD FOR HIS DAUGHTER CAUSE SHES THE SAME WAY!! AD NOTHING BUT 16 yrs Old…Whole family is Narcissistics…..
As a parent of a narcissist. It’s heartbreaking to know that this character disorder is from loss. No amount of love from me was never enough.for the pain this child went through. Birth mother died, the only man he knew and called dad. One day just decided he no longer wanted to be with us. The joy on his face when the court said he is now legally ur son. This 5 year year old child , yelled out I’m adopted. He said it to every person he Seen. The stupidity of this man to tell a child, I have anew family now, I can’t see u any more. Most have been as devastating as he birth mom dying. Me probably overcompensating , trying to help the child. Deal with life. Was probably just a s damaging, giving him that entitlement syndrome. Not knowing anything about narcissistic behavior. But knew something was wrong. Started seeking out therapists, who just said it’s ADD. Give him him this pill. The medication just made made him more angry . When I told the doctor the symptoms he had, he only D’s u want good grades don’t u. I should’ve found another pediatrician instead of stopping medication. begged the public school system for help. They too said drug him. Put him on organic diet wit not red dies, or dies of any kind. . Clean eating. That helped a lot until he started stealing lunches. For junk food. The dietitian said let him eat what he likes. You gonna cause a food disorder. took him to have a brain wave evaluation. Like Ann EKG but the leads were on his head. You could see periods of what looked like flat lining . Like periods of nothingness in the wave pattern. like his brain died then came back on. This doctor suggested drugs and shock therapy. I felt defeated and had no place to turn. He said Prozac was the best treatment. At that time lots of kids on Prozac was a temping or had committed suicide. Looked it up and the worming was don’t use on young children . Electric shock nor the thought of finding him dead was not appealing. By this time he just turn 16. Today he is grown , so scary , I’m afraid to be alone with him for a long period of time. I never know what might trigger an episode. It’s unpredictable . He is in an out of jail for fighting. My heart aches for him.. he maybe homeless because living with him it’s like eggshells all around. I fight depression because watching him suffer breaks my heart. Knowing there is nothing i can do. I still keep making phone calls trying to find him help and shelter . On every prayer list I come across. When we are together i keep the conversation protected with yes, no and let me know how that works for you. He is 24 now. I truly believe that if not for the love of God and his promises it would be utterly unbearable. I pray for his soul… that is heartbreaking that he maybe lost. That I may have contributed in any way . They system failed and so did I fell this young man.
It is another disappointing blow to hear people say about children , “they probably had a bad mother or it’s the mothers fault that child is like that” Never walking in the mothers shoes. Please pray for my son. I’m told personality disorders can’t be fixed.
If Jesus can drive demons into pigs and demonic people. He can remove the demons from my son.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I’m married to one!!! He’s now reversed after he’s done beating me up He now uses his words against me. He still chronically lies and he’s a womanizer. I keep asking him to leave but he won’t leave. I asked him why he cries in front of people he says so he can get sympathy, He seen women do it and how they’re reacted upon. I had a lot of antiques that could not be replaced that he’s broken. I’ve asked him for money to fix the house or should I say trailer and was told no while he was making $165,000 a year truck driving. I’ve been injured at work as a nurse only to have him push me down causing more severe pain and now I have to live with it the rest of my life. Been to eight counselors who keep saying the same thing our marriage is toxic but I can’t seem to get him to go, without him throwing himself on the floor crying and screaming saying that I need to have a heart for him and your a Christian I should be kind. No matter what I say or do he threatens with money. I have no friends he made sure of that. I do own a little trailer that needs to be fixed but he says he’s not going to and I don’t get much money on social security disability. If I could just find someone to come and fix my trailer then I would be fine and I would file for divorce but it seems I’m stuck with all of the promises that never ever Get fulfilled. Well thank you for listening to me.
I have been serving God for more than 25 years. My son was married to a narcesist. I never knew what that was till after he left her. We both went through so much abuse. He finally divorced her few months ago. I’d have to say he’s a survivor because come to find out she tried killing him several times. The sad part about all this is, we both had to leave our home church because there was no end to what she was doing and still doing. When will this end? 😫 His daughter is in her custody and they need help.
This has wide application. I’m guessing some visitors are reading about human behavior, as much as possible, because they serve on public committees or are part of public ‘affairs’ one way or another. Some readers, like myself at least, are likely astounded by what they face on boards and commissions for example, which has lead us also to seek analysis on these subjects. For me it certainly helps to discern, or identify ‘stakeholders’ on much more than the ’cause.’ Nobody wants a false leader any longer – hopefully. It is impossible to ‘separate policy from politics’ no matter how ideal it might seem or promoted by old parts of history. That old false dichotomy might hide a narcissist agenda – provides a smidgen of an excuse for what others might see as bad behavior. There is somethng called ‘technocratic hubris’ which seems to endure. Maybe you noticed recently there is an arguement that a single neighbor, or spouse might cause less damage than what they might do to a nation or country. Not suggesting individual cases are unimportant only the scale of damage is different. Well, there are parallels and Bliblical examples of this narcissic attitude throughout history. Some with that narc identity congregate around government to exploit modern loopholes, and boundaries between what is legal or not allowed; you might think that exposing those areas of thought, illuminating them, would cause a narcissic operator to slink away but they double down instead naturally and blame your ignorance instead. These leaders have lead to genocide and their thought processes need to be countered by public means. So even in the widest sense there is this conflict. Obviously however the same reactions: rage etc, are accepted somehow in the wider political world. The ‘mob’ can be deployed in both circumstances and maybe they’ll burn down your house in protest. The agenda is public, not a private struggle of course and the dynamics might be somewhat different however these principles are a ‘word to the wise’ across the board. In any case, it’s why I’m here and guessing there could be other such people reading your article (and the Bible) for broader advise on modern ‘groups’ at least. Thank you.
What a great read. So many questions answered. Thay are sick individuals but can they help themself?
Your article was about the most honest appraisal of a narcissist that I have read. I think we probably all have known one or two, if they were not our parents.
Many articles talk about narc tendencies and tell you to stay as far away as you can. In fact I have read some that say run. But is that truly what we do when we want to be Christlike? If we are formed in the image of God-why would we not love the hurt child they are inside and be with them for who they are? I have learned so much about my own codependency and have gone through the discard phase with my friend several times But it is my ego defenses that are shattered and that is what has been chipped away at in a positive way. Yes it hurts, but under the hurt is my authentic self that not even a narcissist can take away. That being said can we develop boundaries and still love their authenticity we know is there because they are a child of the living God? God is everywhere even if it a spec we see in them. I have a feeling it’s more than a spec because the damage inside them is huge.
I have been in a relationship for 20yrs. And after 10yrs we married, Hes never been diagnosed as a narcissist but everything in this article applied to who he is.
Great analysis of this passage Christine, thank you!
It’s sparked so many other thoughts on the subject, about God’s heart towards people, the way He wishes everyone would come close to Him and let Him love them, and the way Jesus responded to Satan, the Master Narcissist sociopath.
Hi I’ve been a Christian for 25 years but unfortunately started to date a covert narcissist which was a massive mistake and it’s incredible to read Timothy in the bible and see it’s talking about narcissists thanks so much for this observation
Thanks Glenda. Stay on his narrow path that few will find and God will comfort you in ways that only he can. God bless you and everything your going through.
VAL SAID THE TRUTH THAT IS WAY MY MOM AND SISTERS ,BROTHER S ARE
VAL told the truth what was wrote in the comment ,my mom and sisters are the same way to me.Just use me when need for their self and my mom soon they got finish used me get what they want need from me they plot against ,belittle .Mom was alway use me ,never call unless she need something. Them sisters was the same way. Them sisters and mom are the mean witches from Crindialla.
Thoroughly good read. Whats amazing is that Gods Word pin points the very issues of personality, and their destructive tendencies. Without emptying themselves, they can never be filled up with Gods grace and Word, there isn’t room!!
Narc’s never change. They use others to do their punishing for them. Once they hook you into their Narc game with fake kindness, fake caring and fake love, you are theirs to be used by them. If you even try to avoid them or distance yourself, they won’t stop. They are very destructive, empty inside, thrive on being filled and love destroying lives. They will make up lies, gossip your every word and mirror your choices (words, actions, responses) back at you. They use people (flying monkeys) and if those people want out of their mind games, they will be their next target and so their flying monkeys are too afraid to leave the relationship for fear of retaliation. God is omnipresent, he knows exactly what their choices in darkness are. Sneaky snakes will fall into the pits they create. Good is good and evil is evil, no matter how hard they try to conceal and hide it. Their only love is to control people and destroy lives. All you can do as victims, is to avoid them (no contact) and their flying monkeys, pray they repent, change their evildoing ways and return to the Lord. We are all to live as vessels for God being filled with the Holy Spirit and his wisdom for good and not evil. When Jesus returns, he will know the truth. Pray, grow in your faith, have self-control and read the bible. God is our refuge during difficult times. It’s a sign of strength to the Lord when you don’t respond or react to them, not weakness. Our flesh is weak, but God’s Spirit is strong. 📖
Yea Alot of people like this be in very toxic, unstable, & very bad unfit environment s so they are defiantly not going to even know bout the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN THEY ALREADY DEAD!
Paul said: “And from such people turn away. If a Narcissistic personality is developed from childhood parenting, can this Disorder be treated and allow the person to be “more normal” or become “Holy”?
Thank you for this. It’s been a long and often difficult journey for me to recover from the verbal and emotional abuse I dealt with for so many years, thanks to my parents and Christian leaders.
Fundamentalism teaches that authority figures are owed unquestioned submission. Even now, it’s hard for me to think for myself and form opinions, because we were supposed to det our “God-given authority” mold us like clay. Questioning authority is seen as rebellion, to be beaten out of a child. So I dealt with a lot of hitting and personal attacks.
To me, the worst thing about narcissists is the double standard. The narcissist excoriates the victim for doing the same things the narcissist does. Unfortunately, pointing out the double standard is just asking for trouble.
When I stopped going to church nearly 25 years ago, the same pastor who had browbeaten me for over an hour was now having his family members call or visit me and my family in an effort to pressure me into reconciling with him. When told I wasn’t interested, the response was always, “God won’t bless you because you won’t forgive.” The narcissists’ definition of forgiveness, by the way, is “If you were right with God, you wouldn’t keep bringing it up and asking for an apology,” and such. This runs counter to Christ’s admonition in Luke 17:3—”If your brother sins against you, forgive him, and IF HE REPENTS, forgive him.” (Emphasis mine.) In other words, forgiveness comes only *after* the abuser repents (through changed behavior).
For me, the decision to leave Christianity is about regaining some sense of self, and walking away from a toxic atmosphere. Narcissism is a sophisticated form of bullying, and walking away from that environment was best for me.
Narc-busting lol….
I know someone who is an intelligent millionaire and I suspect him of being a narcissist.
He does not relish human emotional company that you would find in a relationship. That is replaced by his herd of dogs. However, I would view the way he takes care of them as a form of neglect. A few years back, it resulted in the death of all the dogs he owned at that time, but that’s a story for another book.
Now, this is what puzzles me. He has friends from around the world on chat apps, and he calls them also, including me.
Puzzling to me, is the fact that he mentions having all this money and living an adventurous lifestyle.
I say that because he treats poor or suffering people like yesterday’s trash.
For instance, if a service worker performs a service, it’s unlikely he will offer any tip. He would argue over 50 cents, and in his mind “Everyone is out to take advantage of me”.
Recently two people in war torn countries who were online friends of his, requested help for food. One was Venezuelan (they have a famine), and the other was Nicaragua (political/social crisis). Requesting help of any sort from Adrian will raise his ire to the max. He calls people experiencing famine and political violence “professional victims”. It’s like Science fiction…I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t heard it with my own ears.
So, he knows he isn’t going to help anyone, so why tell all these poor people that he has all this money? That’s what I don’t understand.
I guess it’s a way to reel people in, but he’s darn sure not going to do anything whatsoever for another person, nada, nothing.
Dear Christine,
Thank you so much. Your knowledge you’re sharing is the wisdom for me. I’m at the beginnng of coming out of hell. I’m 46 now. Even if I can know and see better, still feeling so perplexed, confused, unsure. I never told you how grateful I am for your wise interpretation of 2Tim 3:2 which is a revelation for me. God is so good! Be blessed.
Lots of love from Poland.
Thank you so much. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. My mother died when I was 12. My Dad and brothers were narcissists,with delusions of grandeur. I am an empath. I now realize why I have been looking for attention and getting into poor relationships. Now I know I am not crazy or imagining things. I just pray that my adult children can recover from his mood swings and temper tantrums. This has helped me enormously. I like the story about Greek mythology, Narcissus and echo,it describes the syndrome to a T. I am grateful for this,so I can continue to recover.
Thank you for your mission to bring awareness of the imperfect human condition of narcissism we fall into and fall prey to without the focus on God first. I have moved to the healed side of thirteen years of an abusive marriage, through God’s transforming grace.
This process has taken over twenty years. Now at the age of 53, I am called to fulfill my mission–to be a Champion for abused women. My calling is tied to Christian women as my twisted beliefs played a key role in keeping me tied to my abuser.
Thank you for helping people understand the complexities of abuse and the process required in the mind, spirit, and body to be healed and break free.
Sincerely,
Darla Colinet
This post is a glaring reminder that we ALL have homework in these areas to some degree at different points in our lives. These types of ugly reflections in our behaviors are even more accute with your follow-up explanations. Thank you for the biblical reference 2 Timothy 3:2.
The section on self-control — and especially its last paragraph are especially excellent. There is so much coming out in popular media now about narcissism that information presented is sometimes shallow in understanding, relying on the more obvious grandiose style of narcissism, which any person could spot any day. Many fall prey to the illusion that a well-practiced, charming covert narc is the epitome of “self-control”. This section laid out the far more complex reality so well. Thank you.
So many people these days fit the description, and people of the sort are good at finding social support for their conduct. Of course, there are others who are absolutely appalled by what the narc does, how they misbehave, but they will none the less find people who not only put up with their behavior, but who identify with them, and offer them social support. The best approach, if yo are faced with a narc’s behavior, is to turn your back on them in disgust and to walk away without looking back.
This is invaluable and validating information. I’m going through a lot right now, because I’m sick and I have to live with my narc mom. She is having a psychotic meltdown because I decided to be myself and not let her intimidate me into isolation the way I’ve done practically. I became shut down around family and people in general because I had no idea what she said about me. She lied so much that I didn’t have the energy to defend so many lies. So I didn’t talk to my own family. But I got tired of not being myself. I started to live life as my authentic self and the people that she talk about me too begin to like me. It’s like my own family is meeting for the first time and I’m in my forties. So now she’s extremely hostile towards me, because now no one talks to her. Her phone use to ring all the time. Now no one calls her. No one comes by. She threw a tantrum on Christmas and invited people then left because they didn’t confirm. But in the same breath said there’s food for her guests she abandoned. If she thought no one is coming then why did you cook. Well everyone came and had a great time and told her how great of a time they had with m. More anger. The nicer everyone is to me the more hostile she gets with me and my daughter. She’s bumped down the hall. She locked me out and said she didn’t lock the daughter. She’s made at everyone that likes me. Since she couldn’t control me she could no longer had any control of herself. Her rage could no longer be contain and people are seeing what only I’ve seen practically my whole life. She’s no longer the pillar in the community. I almost died 3 times in the last 5 years. She told people I really wasn’t that ill. Well I got really sick in front of family and she lost even more credibility. I can’t tell you how many people have told me the lies she told them. They just couldn’t believe how much my mother lied. Now I’m talking to people that broke ties with me because of her lies. I feel sad for but a bigger part of me doesn’t because it took me to realize that she was behind every single drama in the family. Now I’m working on mending fences. Which weird because I’m so much younger then everyone. I haven’t talked to my sister in 3 years but we are comparing notes. We were both dupes. The golden child is all she has left in the world. I feel bad for her because she tries to buy her love. And like my mother she has delusions of grandeur which turn people off. She always talking about whose jealous of her and her daughter. This is why I feel sorry for her because people don’t believe it. It’s like she can talk the truth into existence. But anywho this is a great sight. I’m thinking of creating a sight myself. When she talks about everyone being jealous of her and all the men wanting her at her job, we all look at her with pity . It’s just sad all the way around.
Always grateful when a narc-busting article is Christ-focused. Too many churches expect victims to just paint on a smile and shut up.
This information is helping me tremendously at a time I so badly need it. The explanations of narcissistic behavior as it relates to the Bible has given me so much hope by explaining what I am and have been dealing with. I’m convinced now that I am a victim of narcissistic abuse. The understanding that I am not the villian which is the label placed on me by the narcissist(s) gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel after such a cruel and evil experience. GOD is so awesome at sending us the help and understanding that we need when we are struggling with the forces of evil. Running across this website is one of the best things that has happened to me in a while. The information is priceless. Thank you so much for being a positive resource of hope. HE is an on time GOD.
I am a Christian and I have been so surprised by the many verses in the Bible about narcissism. I am struggling on whether or not narcissists will be shown mercy from God. In the Bible, God says people who act in this way will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Yet, it seems that narcissists have been conditioned to act horrible as a result of poor parenting, including abandonment. Will God punish them if it is ultimately the parent’s fault? IS it ultimately the parent’s fault? Did narcissists never have a chance to be normal? Do they, in their adult years, have the true ability to change? Do they see a right way and a wrong way to life, and deliberately choose the worst way? I think about this so much because it’s comforting to me to read passages in the Bible that tell us that people who are only for themselves will not win in the end. These passages make me feel that, in time, God will bring justice to me.
Incredible!!!! I am a Christian and trying to get my dear mother and father to believe God speaks about narcissism in the Bible and that it’s EVIL!!!! My nephew and brother and soon to be exhusband are total narcissist and my mother keeps saying, “Oh, poor them, but they had this happen…and that….and they’re not evil.” She just can’t grasp how harmful their behaviors are to others and that her enabling is not helping. I’m going to send her this now. Maybe coming from God will help her to see it more clearly for what it is.
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