Christine’s Chat Corner
A place where real questions get answered.
Question: “Why did my narcissist choose me? Was it just some random meeting, and I was unlucky?”
Answer: It is highly improbable that your narcissist chose you at random, on the contrary, they are likely to have chosen you as their victim with great care and attention for a specific reason. It could be that they are attracted by your looks, your intellect, your knowledge, your status, your wealth, your popularity, etc. Whatever it is that attracts the narcissist to you, most victims tend to have one trait in common, that is, their empathic caring nature. It is important to remember that victims are not random choices, the narcissist knows exactly who they want to snare.
Narcissists are attracted to “empaths” the way the moth is to a flame:
An empath is a highly intuitive individual, who automatically and unconsciously align themselves with the moods, wishes, thoughts, and desires of those around them, and then quickly takes on their emotions. Empaths can fall into two groups, those who are “reclusive” and tend to choose to cut themselves off from others, blocking out the pain they pick up from their external environment (i.e. painful emotions and negative physical energy, chronic fatigue, etc.).
Then there are those who are “peacemakers”. This type tends to be humble, quiet achievers who do not need or want to be the centre of attention. They only see the good in people, and accept the short-comings of others in a compassionate way.
They value harmony, therefore, for peace sake they tend to give way to those who are more aggressive and confrontational. They have an advanced empathy, so are quick to feel subtle mood changes in others, and quickly respond to those feelings with an open heart.
They are quick to recognise other people needs, yet slow to recognise their own needs. Things must be bad before they explode, and when that happens, they feel guilt and shame at their loss of control.
They hate injustice and cruelty, and will often fight for the rights of others, unfortunately, they are slow to fight for their own rights. Therefore, the narcissist is drawn to an empath like a moth to a flame.
They know that the empath will extend compassionate understanding to their ridiculous behaviour far longer than other victims.
By the time the empath begins to work out what is happening in the relationship, it is too late. More than likely they will have been sucked completely dry by their narcissist, and devastating damage will have been done.
Narcissists always crave excessive attention and love from their victims, and empaths are willing to give that love, not only gracefully, but unconditionally. Empaths are not demanding, they do not need to be in the limelight, they are humble and happy to allow the narcissist to have all the attention. They are honest and open, and would never imagine that anyone would deliberately manipulate for self-gain.
They are very loyal, devoted and selfless in their relationships. Furthermore, they will fight tooth and nail to resurrect their ailing relationship, and the narcissist knows this to be so.
They are the “healer and fixer” in the relationship, and the narcissist takes sadistic pleasure in manipulating the relationship to their own ends. The narcissist is a great actor, and knows how to act the victim and milk the empath’s human kindness.
The narcissist sets out to make you think that you have met your soul-mate. This is particularly true during the Idealisation Phase, when they mirror back your values and beliefs to you.
The intention is to make you think that you have met a person who is just like you, someone who thinks as you, someone as sensitive as you, someone you don’t have to explain anything to. Unfortunately, nothing if further from the truth. It is all just smoke and mirrors, one big hoax, an elaborate illusion which you fell for, hook line and sinker.
The sad thing is that you were seduced and manipulated into falling in love with someone that never really existed, and the wounds of that experience will go very deep. As soon as the narcissist selects their victim, a covenant is formed in which they both enter a convoluted co-dependency dance. In this partnership one partner (the victim) is the consummate “giver”, while the other partner (the narcissist) is the consummate “taker”.
The narcissist assumes the role of puppet master, while the victim assumes the role of puppet. All the time the victim’s strings will be pulled in such a way that the narcissist becomes the centre of their world. Without any knowledge, the victim has been cemented into the role the narcissist has made for them, and as “narcissistic supply”, their sole purpose is to serve the narcissist and remain under their pathological control.
During the Idealisation Stage, the victim will be love-bombed, and bit by bit they will become isolated from everything and everybody (i.e. family members, friends, work colleagues, hobbies, etc.).
Once this is established the narcissist will move into the Devaluing Phase, and the terrifying, soul destroying psychological warfare will begin, all designed to suck the life out of the victim, and then discard them.
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
- WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT “RED FLAG” OF NARCISSISM THAT YOU MAY SPOT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP? - February 27, 2024
- Surviving the Storm: How to Survive Living with a Crazy Narcissistic Parent - April 12, 2023
- Narcissistic Female Intimate Partner Violence Against Men Is No Joke - February 28, 2023
My Dad was an affable guy. He was coming up to retirement from the service when my Narcissistic mother got her hooks into him. He also had a drinking problem, not sloppy until the end f his life, but constant. I believe that she married him because she perceived him to be a good provider that could also be easily manipulated.
I could never prove it “beyond a reasonable doubt,” but evidence at the time of his death led me to believe that she had a hand in his death. Mind you, this was before I had become enlightened as to the extent and scope of her sickness. I really suffered for a long time because of his death.
She was an extremely vindictive person. What adds insult to injury is that she not only is buried next to Dad in a place of honor, but my Narc Golden brother had the most ridiculous headstone erected for her. It’s a manifestation of the family dysfunction, and an insult to all Veterans and their families.
I am the sole survivor of Dad. I will remove that eyesore at the first opportunity. What a disgrace.
Great article Christine, thank you!
I’m reminded of Sandra L Brown discussing the ‘Big Five Factor Markers’ personality test, and how we who score highly on this for ‘Agreeableness’ and ‘Conscientiousness’ are highly attractive targets for a Narcissist to seduce and drain for emotional attention/responses. This is described by HG Tudor as ‘positive or negative fuel’, and the ‘lifeblood’ of the Narcissist.
I’m reminded of Australian psychologist Abdul Samad (Vital Mind Psychology, videos on YouTube) explaining in his series about Empaths and Narcissists that Empaths exist on a scale. That the Empath with healthy boundaries and good self-worth is not ‘outcome dependant’, but can choose to give or not, and is not compulsive about it. She/he is termed an ‘Authentic Altruist’.
In the middle is the standard Empath who when stressed and overstretched can get resentful if their giving isn’t appreciated.
At the other end is the Empath who is broken down or conditioned by abuse to derive their self-worth from giving, and this becomes a compulsive behaviour whereby they live in fear of abandonment, and give to control and appease the Narcissist (or others). They are codependent and without the Narcissist to give to and focus on, they can feel very down about themselves, a deep existential loneliness and angst.
On my healing path I’ve found that these insights from research hold great weight and we’re explained well. They fit very well into this great wealth of knowledge and expertise of Christine’s too.
I hope that this helps anyone reading here.
I wish you all continued healing and peace.
There is a man on my job. I would see him daily and was disgusted at what a womanizer he was/is. I made up my mind that I really would never be able to tolerate him and didn’t like him. I always kept my head down when I saw him and never made eye contact. One day while walking to my car, he and two other women were walking in the same direction and we fell into step. The two women were in front and he was to my right. I noticed him staring at me, not like attraction but like a new found missing piece of a puzzle. I ignored him, got to my car and never thought of him again. One day when walking to work I again saw him, this time by himself. I noticed him looking my way and I looked around to see what he was looking at and saw nothing. I went in an opposite direction from him to avoid him and when he went back inside I went into my building. One day while waiting for the elevator, the doors opened and our eyes met. He made such a scene. I assume this was the love bombing attempt. He held the door all the while trying to talk, actually sexy to me, telling me to smile at him. I did not. I looked down and waited for the doors to close. I was so embarrassed. He then started waiting for me to come to work. He would stand in front of the door and tower over me, staring straight into my face. No smile, no talking, just staring. This is, I believe how he got into my head. I got scared. I thought I had offended him in some way. After that he would show up on all my breaks and lunches, stare me down (he even had two friends helping him). I have only engaged him in conversation twice, the first time he acted very child like; the second time he was just mean. I have never had anyone make me feel so bad about myself. He almost convinced me that I was crazy. He used words like conspiracy and insinuated I was crazy. He even laughed and said “I promise I’m not stalking you”. He convinced me I had him confused with someone else and when I agreed that must be the case and apologized for confusing him with someone who obviously looks like him, he laughed and said “no, no one else looks like me!” He does not come with an instruction manual so I have to learn the hard way as to what I’m not allowed to do. The first time was when he saw my husband dropping me off at work, he ignored me the whole day but making himself visible to me as well and then went into hiding for two days. When he reappeared he was meaner then ever. Once another man tried to engage me in conversation in front of him. The next day he made a point of walking right up to my face like he was going to speak and then obverted his eyes upward. Recently I was on the same elevator with him and he was speaking to another man. I was in conversation with a girl in my office and we laughed about something said. When the elevator opened, he disappeared. When I saw him again, he was in full blown panic attack. I was devastated. I felt guilt for hurting him and I was mad at myself for feeling guilty over a man who is so mean. I took to ignoring him. He would walk past me, now sad and slow but I didn’t look up or I would look through him. At first he was so devious that when I would say something about it to others in my office they acted like I was over exaggerating. EVERYONE thinks he is so nice! Now they watch and they do see. He is less cautious. Staring very closely to make sure he gets my attention when he thinks no one is looking. What I do not understand is this: We have never been in a relationship; never been friends; have only really spoken in conversation two times. I do not stroke his ego. In fact, I feel like I do just the opposite. I realize that at first he fed from my fear but I no longer show fear. I am very strong minded (hard headed to be exact by everyone who knows me) but he will not give up. After a full week of ignoring him, he walked past me yesterday and waved at me with his hand down by his leg and just waved it back and forth like a child who had been spanked by his mother and is now sorry. He never tries to talk to me other then greeting me with a good morning. Is it the challenge? Will he ever give up? I can’t exactly not come in contact with him because we work for the same company. I have 22 years there and cannot afford to just up and quit.
Thanks for that Christine. When I left my previous bf, one of the things he said was “I chose you.” 6 months of NC and I am on the mend. Best wishes to everyone.xxx
I met an amazing man at church who had been inquiring about me for one year. After he got the nerves to speak to me and we been to communicate I thought he was the man of my dreams but, after 5 months a totally different person appear that was cold, callus, harsh, condescending, and horrible. An old girlfriend from the past appeared and he constantly accused me of being jealous of her or she was in my head all while he flirted and look on her as a meal and slept with her. I am devastated could this be the same loving, man? He dropped me quickly and I was devastated. I’m still crying but it doesn’t hurt like before, next time I will be more cautious.
I’ve since taking to the internet to learn of this behavior ~ I knew nothing about narcissistic behavior, gas lighting, and all other behaviors but, I am educating myself to share and to be more cautious.
Thank you for this article. So many similarities with my situation. I divorced my Narcissist after being drug through the mud with her many outrageous demands over the years. Now she is trying to win me back. We have a child together and I get to co-parent with her. She acts like we are working things out even though things can’t be further from the truth. I feel like I need to remind her at least once a week that the marriage is over but she continues to act like its all going to work out. It really is a crazy maker. Must be that covenant that was mentioned.
Am working with others to help better my boundaries. I realize that my Narcissist just might be my biggest teacher.
Thanks again,
Greg
Hi Christine
You have just described my life for the past 2 and a half years. Actually think mine is a psychopath. He was the best thing since sliced bread when I first met him. He conned me into moving 1000ks away from my hometown. So I was isolated but fortunately I had a great friend there and my sister so could flee when necessary. As soon as we got there he completely changed. Every single little thing was my fault. He ranted for 15 minutes in front of our flatmate about me leaving a teaspoon on the bench. Just ridiculous stuff like the fact that the phone was ringing and he couldn’t find the handset. Even though I was asleep I was woken to him screaming obscenities in my face, somehow that was my fault. Basically he sucked all the money out of me and when it ran out that was my fault too. He told me he would get a job and had several cousins who had promised him work but this was all lies too. I shouted him an overseas trip to Dubai, Italy & Greece and he never even thanked me for it and complained that we should of done this or that. So I was constantly trying to make him happy but nothing made him happy. When I left him in November I had to drive the 1000ks back home and leave another vehicle behind that I had paid for. I tried to get the police and a repossession company to retrieve it but he talked utter rubbish about some payments he had made on the vehicle and showed them paperwork to support this but what he didn’t show was that I had reimbursed him for that. I ended up being conned into coming back at the beginning of this year as he said everything I had been wanting him to say; he’d get a job, he’d get a house for us to live in, he’d get counselling etc etc.I think the whole thing was just a ploy to get me there and inflict the final abuse on me. He assaulted me on day 3 and was arrested. This completely backfired for him as it gave me the opportunity to prove to the police that I did indeed pay for the vehicle so they gave me the keys and I drove the very long drive home. As you can imagine this has wounded the narcissist badly and he is absolutely raging but fortunately has no means to get to me. He got a ridiculous 120 hours community service and the judge didn’t grant the protection order because I had moved so far away (why are judges so ridiculously stupid). When I was at the police station I was told for the third time by a police officer that he was a very dangerous man. Without showing me the details I was shown the length of his criminal and violent past, the police officer said to me see the lines on the screen, each is a charge and there are 20 on each screen, she then scrolled through at least 6 pages. The only one I knew of was that he had killed his brother thirty years ago. He made this sound like he was the victim and the hero. His brother was schizophrenic and he was going to kill him and the family blah blah blah. After I left him his mother told me that his brother was not schizophrenic at all and that my ex was completely to blame and that the entire family wanted nothing to do with him including herself. This completely blew me away as we had stayed with her when we first went there and I thought he was the apple of her eye. I think she is terrified of him too.
Anyway I’m changing my number today and hopefully I will never have to hear or see him again.
Ellie,
As I read all of these replies, chills are consuming my body! I can so relate to yours and all of these stories. I am about to divorce my narcissistic husband. Before I read this it was so hard to put into words exactly what has been happening to me over the past 20 years. The way the narcissist manipulates you into thinking everything is your fault and that you are the center of their unhappiness is so abusive. It takes a toll on you, does a lot of damage. The manipulation and lies, the alcoholism and affairs, the flirting and the porn that I put up with just makes me sick. With all of that said, the worst was the total lack of conscious and accountability. This was the most eye opening and frightening. The way these people can reel you in and then discard you like yesterdays trash because you no longer serve a purpose to them, including their own children, is just so unconscionable.
I do not anticipate this being an easy divorce, or an easy road to the other side of the rainbow. I do have great friends and family that are happy I am finally getting out of this marriage. My marriage consisted of an unhealthy cycle of empty promises to full blown rages over nothing followed by abandonment. My kids deserve better than this, as do I. I know I have to let go of the fantasy I had in my head of my husband to the sharp cold reality of what he really is, a self absorbed manipulating narcissist. Any tips for moving forward would be helpful, this is very hard, I feel alone, abandoned and discarded.
I have been subjected to constant narcissistic abuse by my sister who always resented me. I was always popular as a child and had great empathy with others. My family were so important to me . I had many siblings and loved being a big part of their lives and their offspring. Despite two broken marriages due to her unreasonable behaviour she has still been able to manipulate my mother, brother, sister and some nieces against me despite the fact that I have never consciously done anything to upset them. I have written to them for some sort of explanation but narcissists do a very thorough job when destroying you. They hand pick their flying monkeys and leave you reeling and suicidal . I am so grateful to Christine for highlighted the evil within these people. It is a shame though how many people are carried along and eventually end up behaving in exactly the same way.
I hadn’t seen him for exactly three years. I finally caught him on dating sites, back then, and ended it. The devaluation stage was very long, cunning, a flip-flop from love-bombing again and outright rejection and silent treatments. But, he started to send cute texts, again in June. It was fun exchanging some humor with him. Suddenly, he decided to show up with a wonderful gift for me, on Christmas Day. It was as if he had still been seeing me, for the last three years, ready to pick up where we left off. But, I was ready. I had studied NPD, since I ended it in 2014. He came for Supply. Instead, he got just…me…my kindness, my generosity, my smile, my own story of what I had been doing. He even got a big hug and I watched him swell with pride and assurance. I was happy, active and much more mature than he had remembered me to be. I watched him squirm. He talked about his thinning hair and I told him to shave it all off, so that he would have better luck with the ladies. He talked about growing older and I told him that we all must face death someday. I already knew that aging is a Narcissist’s greatest fear, as I watched his eyes dart back snd forth. And then he tried the seduction angle and I suggested that we meet again in the Spring, when it’s fairer weather. It was all too much for him, because the instant gratification just wasn’t there, from me to him anymore. I wasn’t being evil. There was no plan or plot, on my part. I was just being the real person that I am today, not three years ago. He backed out of my driveway so fast that he slid off the edge of it, as I waved and gave him a very real and heartfelt smile. He is my past, not my future. I texted a thank-you, for the very nice gift, as I would do for any gift that I was given. There will not be a reply. I will remember the person that I thought he was, with some regret that that person never existed. I came close to the flame, but it was now only the smoldering embers of a disordered person who will always be desperate to fill his emptiness with good people like me. I’m 70 years old, he is 69. Maybe his hair will miraculously grow back or maybe it’s just part of the karma.
I have had 7 narcissists in my life, some more toxic than others. The maternal side of my family produced 4-maternal grandmother, mother, uncle & half-brother. My father, God love him, chose 2 narcissists to be his wife-one was my mother & the other my stepmother. I guess some men enjoy the “sparks” that narcissistic women create. Because I lived mainly with my father & stepmother beginning at a young age, at age 65 I’m still trying to rebuild my self-esteem. Having a low self-esteem from the get-go & being an empath, I myself married 2 narcissists one after the other. Thankfully I eventually got married to a really nice guy (we’ve been married 39 years)& my life improved greatly. However the things I’d learned while coping with the narcissists in my life, I brought into this subsequent relationship. In other words, I operate as if my current marriage is to a narcissist (although he isn’t). I still have a hard time speaking up for myself or saying a word when something bugs me. Narcissists seem to be “the gift that keeps on giving” whether you like it or not. Once affected by a narcissist, it’s almost impossible to forget. But I will say this, it’s so much better to live without them. Anything beats the brow-beating, the craziness, the walking on eggshells & the death wish that comes from living with & dealing with them. They are the devil in disguise.
I spent 37 years married to someone with NPD. He doesn’t fit all the characteristics but most of them. I had never been lovebombed as I was the night I met him. This continued for 7 years. We were young & I don’t think either of us knew what was to come. He’d had a horrible childhood drenched in alcohol & violence. He was the 1st person in his family to even graduate from HS yet he was an accomplished, respected surgeon in the community. He was always the show stopper, had to be center stage. I would stand back & let him. After hearing the same dramatic story for the 1000th time I began to see that everything always had to be about him. I didn’t have the most healthy childhood either. I had been sexually abused by several men, including my paternal grandfather & was very sensitive to the use & abuse of women sexually. I began to find reams of porn in his closet & he would leave it around for my beautiful, innocent children to find. Up to that point (7yrs into the marriage) I had seen no sign of addictive behavior other than his work & running. Everything went downhill-he became an IV drug addict, alcoholic & became terribly vicious emotionally & psychologically but always was he perfect husband, father, professional in public. I couldn’t bare to tell anyone what he was doing I was so terrified & shamed. He would turn the knife constantly, get ” sober” to reign me in while he was doing all of this behind my back. Once the internet appeared, the online affairs were constant, & he would always leave a trail so I would find out what he was doing. At this point, I was disabled & had had 5 brain surgeries, was barely functioning. How wonderful for him- a free pass! I was trapped by my own body. By this time I had told the kids or made him tell them about all the things he was doing & of course it broke their hearts. Oh, how I hated him!! One day I came home to find about 40 emails to his lover on my computer! When he got home I told him I was leaving him & I never spent another night in the beautiful home I had designed & decorated. I told him I had already gotten an appt with a divorce lawyer, I went over to my sisters house & moved up to our vacation home. Trying to divorce himwas almost worse than being married to him but I never wavered in my decision. I lost pretty much everything that ever meant anything to me except for my 2 amazing kids. It took 4 years to get rid of him but it was worth it. I have C-PTSD but I have my life back, such as it is. He ripped me to shreds but I came out alive. He suckedeverything out of me but I am gradually getting it back. It’s not easy but anything is better than enduring his constant abuse. He has managed to turn my family against me, has tried everything to strip me of any dignity I may have had left but I survived & I’m determined to fill myself up again with my kids, a 1st grandchild on the way & bringing lovely women friends into my life. It is possible to survive but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I am an empath. It sounds silly now, but I cried myself to sleep, the first ten years of our marriage. I actually believed I was the problem. The change in his demeanor began on our wedding night, but I had no idea that it would be an omen of things to come. Here we are, some forty-six years later, as I am physically handicapped and have no place else to go. Now, I sincerely believe I need therapy, as years of fear, and anxiety, have left their mark. I seek answers to the question above: “Does being empathic necessarily lead to codependency or is there a way to maintain the virtues of empathy without the pitfalls?”
18 years… In a cycle that ran ~ 2 1/2 years each time… Amazing connection, love bomb, soul mate, amazing sex to a period of “where the hell did you come up with that crap” accusations and bring up old history to blow ups that were so hostile and eventually dangerous that I’d pick up and leave… He’d go into a depression/anger/silent treatment just long enough for me to get out from the crack of his ass and up on my feet doing well for myself… Until this April. Can home, took a phone call from his 1st ever, Other Supply, physically assaulted me, spent the night in jail and the next day showed off his New Supply. I currently have a 5 year restraining order… and it’s killing me.
Anxiety,depression, night terrors…just can’t motivate myself.
Therapist says C-ptsd.
Just too much abuse… but parts that I’d gladly do-over in a second.
Congnitive dissonance. If only the ugly part didn’t exist…
What they do is evil.
Wow!! So much info here. This is exactly my situation. I have learned that i am an emphat. I am in the discard phase with him and it may sound crazy but i love it. Because as you know he has to say I LEFT HER Which is fine by me.in therapy now and learning to put me first.
What if they’re not trying to fix an insult from childhood but were indulged throughout childhood…
Hi everyone. Thank you so much Christine for your insight and helping people here cope and help understand the ferocity of abuse we have been through. I just can’t wrap my head around how I/we were carefully targeted by our Narcs. That’s a very scary though. It’s like I have been through war and back. I feel that I was walked all over and spit out. The emotional abuse that my ex narcissistic gf was so crazy and unwarranted. It hard to believe we did anything to deserve all this. What happens to these Narcissistic people that they can do this and continue to destroy other innocent great people?
I am currently 9 months out. Lost everything ,in a lawsuit now with him and he wants to destroy me.
I am stuck! The empath, broken, full of anxiety etc!
This is s lot of work and strategizing for one human being or whatever species they belong to. What insult from childhood are they trying to fix via ll this obnoxious behavior?
I divorced my narc after being with him for 15 years. I liked his ex-wife and saw her at family gatherings, and at that time she could hardly stand to be in the same room with him. She divorced him because of the way he’d mistreated her and we communicated after I divorced him. I shared some of the terrible things he’d done because he is an alcoholic and could be violent, and I was concerned for his grandchildren to be around him. Now he’s telling everyone his ex wants to get back together! I believe she is more attentive to the family situation because she knows he can be dangerous. She goes on vacations with him and the kids and grandkids, etc. He could have shot me or killed me and I believe I have warned her enough…but have I? Is it my responsibility? I should add that he’s also bipolar, has had hallucinations, dementia from a stroke, and has so much paranoia that he keeps a gun close at hand at all times.
Heartbreaking to read but so very true. Everything they do is textbook stuff.
It’s been over 5 years since my wife left me and I still struggle almost daily. I have seen every professional I could get my hands on and also multiple types of medications. I was belittled and devalued for years. I have lost my home my business and my self-worth. It was like she celebrated my inability to cope with the loss of her. The only thing I can think why is she had complete control over me. I helped raise her daughter like she was my own. I asked her to please explain to me why she was leaving, most of it was she just wanted her own life now that her daughter was old enough and out on her own, but the kicker was when she told me “and by the way I just don’t need you anymore” I have followed Christine for years, believe me when I say she has hit every nail on the head. I thank you deeply for your help.
Sad buy true. Such a good read. Sad to know that there are so many people like me out there. I broke free but I am still a prisoner at times to his behaviour. Getting better each day.
Christine, Thank you so much for your insight. As others said, it seems that you must have been living in the corner of my house. I was married for 35 years (divorced for 20) and both my ex, and myself, were/are text-book Narc and Empath. In some ways I hate that I was SO text-book, but in other ways I feel some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one. I decided to leave him after about 5 years, but by then we had a 3 year old and I couldn’t take him away from his daddy, nor take his daddy away from him, so I stayed and that’s when I became the “peacemaker” and learned to walk on eggs. The abuse and devaluing was always behind closed doors. I didn’t recognize that he was a Narc. I thought he was JUST(??) an insensitive jerk! And the control and emotional abuse was so subtle. Then he was busy climbing the corporate ladder and there were two more babies to distract me. Finally, after the children were grown and I felt that the stress of living with him was taking it’s toll on my health, I left. It took us 4 years to finally get divorced…….after 3 reconciliations…….because, (text-book, yet again), he kept promising to change, if only I’d take him back! Incredible, ridiculous……..Whatever you want to call it! I can hardly believe it, myself!!
So now, 20 years post divorce, I’ve gone on with my life and am reasonably happy, until I’m required to be around him for some family gathering and then the past hurt comes rushing in and I’m thrown right back in time. I have come to accept that I suffer from NAVS, although I prefer to think I’m a Narcissistic Survivor, rather than Victim. Guess I’m both! One huge difficulty is that since my children didn’t see their father treat me badly, they can’t really understand WHY I don’t want to be in the same room with him. It’s like I’m being the bad guy! I’m told I need to “get over it.”! I’ve shared some things with them to help them have some understanding, but they don’t want to hear anything negative about him and feel that our issues are our issues. AND, because I am this big empath, I STILL want my children to think well of their father!! I see no answer to this dilemma other than my staying home and missing out on that time with the family, and that doesn’t please me either. I’ve missed the family gathering at Christmas and Easter because he and Wife #3 were there. She and I get along fine and I think if it weren’t for him, she and I could have been good friends. I am concerned for her well-being because she is the current Empath, but there I go, being too empathetic again! Any helpful thoughts??
How would you like to be raised by two NPD parents? Talk about damaging your child! And now I am fighting my own strong narc tendencies as well as codependent empath tendencies.
What’s the thrill for them in devaluing the empath? Why don’t they just move on and find another person who will idealize the narcissist until the first criticism comes?
How do you know my ex husband so well? So glad he left the relationship when he did. I am free! To all those who want to get out, get the counseling help and get out, be prepared to be gaslighted, and drug through the mud, have an exit plan. But you do no deserve the treatment of a narcissist she is explaining.
Hi Betty, Education, education, education.
Obviously you are researching what narcissism is, learning the “isms” so that you can understand and recognise the behaviours.
You may not recognise the narcissist at first (during the Idealization Stage), but as soon as the narcissist moves onto to the devaluing
stage you will know something is very wrong…. and hopefully get out of the relationship quickly.
If you want out of a narcissistic relationship, I suggest that you get a therapist to help you with boundaries, and getting out safely when
you are ready. Most people do not manage to get out the first time, on average it is reported that it can take up to 7 attempts before it
becomes final. Why is that? Because narcissists do not like to lose their narcissistic supply, and they will make temporary changes to lure you back
into the relationship. But of course, they cannot keep up the “good” behaviours for very long, and then the victim regrets coming back. And so the
cycle continues until the final break. But of course, it does not have to be like that. I suggest you need to get yourself strong and organised, make
sure that leaving is what you want. If unsure, then you can still work on putting down better boundaries, reconnecting with family and friends for
support, and you may need time to become financially fit to make the break. Hope that is of some help. Warmest regards Christine
How do you stop a relationship with a naraccist?
Oh my goodness…that is exactly what happened to me. You described my Ex perfectly. Amazing how cleaver and deceptive they can be. And, how unknowing and caring we are. My Ex is so good at deceiving people….he plays the role of a highly respected professional…hiding the real self. For 50 years he lived his lie, until I married him when he was 50 yrs. old. And, behind closed doors he started devaluing me, abusing me, breaking me down with rage and hate and lie, until my life was threatened so that I had no choice to leave. And, unfortunately I left my home, that I work so hard to create, and now I am starting all over. And, the Narc is a Narc during the divorce…still abusing, degrading, insulting and making my life horrible. When does it end. Do we ever get ahead of their abuse? Or, just getting out and being safe is all we can expect?
Good article. I struggle every day with my narcissistic mother who is 97 and still going strong. I am a psychologist myself and although understand the workings it is still a big challenge.
How then can empathic people not become co dependents?
Does a (empathetic people)
Necessarily lead to b (co dependency) or is there a way to maintain the virtues of empathy without the pitfalls?