As Puppet Masters, Narcissists Seek Out Three Different Sources of Supply:
The narcissist always needs a constant source of “narcissistic supply” to support their fragile ego.
Narcissistic supply is anything or anybody that allows the narcissist to draw respect, admiration, power, control, and support from their environment (i.e. accommodating people as their victims, a flash car, the clothes they wear, etc.).
Indeed, anything that brings them attention and adoration is narcissistic supply. They need this endless bounty, and that is why they are always searching for new sources of fresh supply in their environment. Generally, it is the human victims that becomes the vessel through which narcissistic supply flows with the greatest abundance.
But not all narcissistic supply is the same or has the same value to the narcissist. Basically, there are three sources of supply, each with a different function, and they are known as: – 1. Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS), 2. Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SNS), and 3. Narcissistic Tertiary Supply (NTS). Each of these three sources has their own level of potency, depending of course, on how the narcissist uses it.
All their sources of supply are related to anybody or anything that wins them “attention”, and that attention may come with either a negative or positive charge. Attention is vital oxygen for the narcissist because it is used specifically to regulate their fluctuating self-worth, a self-worth that goes up and down frequently and drastically.
The narcissist stabilises their hyper idealised self-image by hearing people reflect how omnipotent they consider them to be, and they are especially happy when that level fits with their own image of their self.
Primary Narcissistic Supply:
The term Primary Narcissistic Supply applies to all those people that are almost always intimate partners, and they provide the narcissist with the attention they crave on a casual and random basis.
These will be the people that the narcissist invests most heavily in at the start of the relationship, of course, eventually they will tire of this source, and then look for a shiny new replacement.
They are especially drawn to Empaths because they are strong, altruistic, problem-solvers, sensitive, kind, dependable, and nurturing. For the narcissist, their primary source is their most important form of supply.
They provide them with the most intimate relationships they experience because they have the greatest emotional charge attached to them. These are the people that they will go to the greatest lengths to hook, using an excessive amount of seduction and manipulation to entice them into their web of deception.
This source of supply provides the narcissist with the greatest emotional reactions to their outrageous behaviour; therefore, they prize them as their highest oxygen providers.
Remember, they only have one “primary source” available to them at any given time, this is partly due to the rush of excitement being enough, but also because they must invest so much time in the seduction and manipulation of this person who is presently the “flavour of the month”.
The nature of the attention they provide can be experienced in either a public form (i.e. such as fame, celebrity, notoriety, or infamy, etc.) or in a private form (i.e. such as admiration, flattery, acclaim, fear, repulsion, etc.) (S. Vaknin, 2015).
Even being notorious equates to being renowned. As you can see, it does not matter whether the attention is positive or negative, one is as good as the other; just as long as the narcissist is centre stage. Their primary source of supply are the people who will suffer most at the hands of the narcissist when things go wrong, the ones they unleash their most extreme rage and devaluation tactics on.
Even after this person has escaped or has been discarded, the narcissist will keep trying to hoover and weasel their victim back into the relationship, where once again they can have a hold over them. Because they invested so much time and energy in their primary source, they feel entitled to keep reeling them in for drawing more oxygen out of them, whether it is now, next month, or ten years from now.
Nothing pleases the narcissist more than knowing that the co-narcissist victim is still grieving for them, most especially after going through their painful discarding process. Even if the co-narcissist was the one to end the relationship by discarding them, they can still derive pleasure in knowing that their “supply” person has not been able to move on without them.
Just when the co-narcissist victim begins to feel that their narcissistic has finally gone, like the proverbial boomerang, they will return again and again at varying intervals and trigger their pain.
The pathological narcissist hopes to either hook the victim again or disturb their peace.
One way or the other, they will keep the co-narcissist victim’s wheels spinning. Whatever the victim’s response, they will use their response to provide them with information on how to carry out the next hoover manoeuvre. Depending on how the land lies, their next approach may come directly from them, or they may control and abuse by proxy (employing one of their flying monkeys to carry out the task on their behalf).
Sometimes there is no reason for them to do the hoovering behaviours. This is likely to be when they have already ongoing contact with the victim, perhaps because of the visiting rights around the children. Or they may be in the exciting rush of getting a new source of supply, so the task of hoovering does not even enter their head because of the thrill of a new conquest. Once again, it will be the pathological narcissist that will control when to employ the hoover manoeuvre tactic (or not), not the co-narcissistic victim.
Secondary Narcissistic Supply:
Secondary Narcissistic Supply pertains to those people that are a constant presence in the narcissists life. They provide the narcissist with regular supply (i.e. spouse, children, subordinates and dependents, friends, family, colleagues, etc.), and are strictly for backup purposes.
They are the first people the narcissist will turn to when they encounter difficulties with the Primary Source of Supply. People often ask the question, “Why do narcissist’s get married when they clearly do not love their spouse?”
The answer is simple, although narcissists prefers the highly charged dynamic of their Primary Narcissistic Supply, however inevitability things go wrong (i.e. they may suddenly become bored, or they may fall-out with the person because they are not getting what they want from them).
Suddenly, they will swing from their Idealization Phase (where the individual can do nothing wrong) to the Devaluation Stage (to where the individual can do nothing right), and the narcissist instantly disconnects.
Whenever their Primary Source of Supply is unavailable they will turn to their Secondary Narcissistic Supply, most especially their significant others (i.e. wife/husband, children, etc.) to be recharged before they go in search of a new source of Primary Supply. This is their constant pattern of behaviour.
They interact frequently with these people, getting their supply of oxygen from them, but not to the extent that they do with their primary sources of supply.
The job of the Primary Source is to accommodate and give the pathological narcissist a secure existence and contribute to making them look like they are leading a very normal and well-adjusted life.
For example, this provides the illusion that they have the companionship of a partner or spouse that fills them with pride, helping them stand out in the outside world. Also, being able to show evidence of a secure existence where they are financially secure and socially acceptable.
The narcissist likes nothing better than to be a prominent member of the community, having a good reputation or profession, and generally being the picture of success. They also like to amass a range of status symbols (property, flash cars, fine clothes, etc.), and display them conspicuously for all and sundry to admire.
They condition and train their secondary supply sources to support them in their charade. It is the personality of the supply person that determines what type of supply they become, so empaths often fulfill these secondary roles as well as being a source of the narcissist’s primary supply.
It is the secondary sources that tend to last the test of time, that is because the narcissist only calls on them intermittently, especially at times when they have just discarded their primary source.
Narcissistic Tertiary Sources of Supply:
The tertiary source of supply appertains to a lower source of supply person for a narcissist, most often they are perfect strangers. According to G.H Tudor (a self-confessed narcissist) says: – They (Tertiary source of supply) are a useful set of individuals that the narcissist can turn to when they need a quick booster of oxygen; i.e. whenever they need an instant supply of positive energy, or as a source of focus for discharging negative energy.
A tertiary source is especially useful when the narcissist suddenly loses their primary source of supply (even temporarily).
For example, a client of mine arranged to meet her narcissistic mother in a local café. The meeting was a bit stressful for them both, as it was the first time they had met in months (following friction between them).
However, the meeting was going as well as hoped by my client, who was consciously working hard to provide her mother with attention and a lovely gift. At one point my client (the mother’s primary source of supply) excused herself to go to the ladies’ room.
When she returned to the table a few minutes later her mother was surrounded by several young waitresses engaged in laughing and talking with her. They were admiring the gift she had just received from her daughter and were telling her what a lovely lady she was. Clearly, in the absence of her primary source of supply the narcissistic mother promptly replaced her daughter with a lesser source to supply (A Tertiary Source of Supply).
A tertiary source of supply applies to strangers or people the narcissist rarely sees.
This short blast of seduction (i.e. the way they smiled at her, the compliments they gave her, their interest they showed in her, etc.) would have provided her with temporary attention for propping up her ego and making her feel superior. This would have helped her to discharge any stress she may have been experiencing from the difficult meeting with her daughter and rebuild her façade of being in control.
The tertiary source also serves another function, it is often carried out as a form of triangulation, where it serves as a ploy to impress the other person of the narcissist’s popularity.
This worked for the narcissistic mother very well with my client, because she remarked on the fact that “wherever her mother goes, people really like her.” If she were to have shown this irritation to her mother, it would have served to provide her with even more fuel, delighting her even further. Left without anybody to help them regulate their fragile ego, or to discharge their rage, or lift their spirits, the narcissist will increase their reliance on any tertiary source of supply.
Unfortunately for them, in the interim, until the narcissist manages to secure their new primary source of supply, they must bear the brunt of the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour.
These may seem like small boosts or discharges of energy, but over time, they amount to quite a bit of attention (positive and negative) for the narcissist.
Should a narcissist recognise a tertiary source as being an empath, they will go out of their way to promote them to be a primary or secondary source of supply, they would, most probably, not be able to pass them over without trying to hook them. Empaths are cream of the crop where narcissists are concerned.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
Hi Katie, Sounds like it….. that he could be a narcissist, and that you are trauma bonded (from the love bombing at the beginning of the relationship, when he seemed like “Mr Wonderful” ….. then his mask slipped. You sound like you were very appealing “narcissistic supply” for him. You loved unconditionally, and made little or no demands on him. I am so sorry this happened to you, you may benefit from seeing a therapist, who can help you to move on from the trauma of his man. You are not in a relationship with him, it is only an illusion of a relationship. But he is controlling you from a distance. As long as you allow it, it is likely to continue. Even if he has a new girlfriend, if he is a narcissist, it is only a matter of time when she too will lose her luster…. and he will repeat the same thing over and over. When he is bored he is very likely to do some “hoovering” behaviour….and will probably try to suck you back in to the same old bleak relationship you have settled for. This is not your fault, it is how narcissists behave, but the sooner you cut your oxygen off from him, the sooner you will recover. You have wasted 2 years on a relationship that is going nowhere, other than “hell”. You need to be getting on with your own life, rather than stagnating while waiting for him. You go easy with yourself, narcissistic abuse is the most confusing thing…. it plays with your head.
Hello,
so i started dating a guy back in 2019, i did see red flags, but nothing to push me away. By the 2 month mark, he already told me he loved me, after a few months, it got ugly. we were always arguing, i didnt trust him, he was mean, and would talk to other woman on Social Media. We were on and off for about a little over a year. Then broke up and decided to remain friends, which was a mistake! For, the next year, he stayed in my life, and it was like we were still together just not the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. I am guessing he was doing that, so i would stay focused on him, he was able to dictate me dating other men, because he was around all the time, texting me, coming over, etc..
Well…that lasted a whole year, it stopped due to a bad fight, the last 2 years he has been coming in and out of my life when he pleases, blowing up my phone, wanting to hook up (which we have a few times) then he would block and unblock me on social media. A couple of times that we hung out and if i did not message him he would block me, then even if i did and say hey how are you? i would get blocked only to get unblocked in a few days or a couple weeks. i was damned if i said anything or damned if i didnt, either way i would get the whole blocking and unblocking…
i am not in love with him, but i feel like he has manipulated me so bad, is this the trauma bond?? i just found out he is talking to another woman on social media, he started hearting her photos and then eventually messaging her, i do not know how far it has gone, and do not want to know, cuz it will hurt!
help…..was i with a narcassistic person? there is so much more that i haven’t even talked about, that would be alot of typing.
but…someone please help?
I was the primary but sinister supply …. For 18 years …I was not any part of his family life. He kept me mostly a secret .. only wanted me around for him to do drugs or sinister reasons which was lots .. he got worse as years went by .. he discarded me on Christmas then ghosted me without any reason . He moved 1200 miles away and got arrested 2 x for drugs , he is now in jail for 90 days ….
My wife is a narcissist. She has a seconday supply and me a a primary supply. As she is aging her beauty is waning. She now has to instagate her outside source of supply. If we go to the pool or beach or evan driving some where she is constently searching for that little spark. I told her that I am nolonger going to be a pawn in her game since it’s much easier to catch a gaze from another man if your with one at the time you do it. I’m afraid of whate she will do to replace this source. I just can’t constantly be on guard and to feel less than at her expense anylonger.
I just recently found out I am a covert narcissist which explains why I have discarded so many women in my lifetime. I am now ashamed. Love frightens me and get the fight or flight feeling when relationship starts getting serious. Have had many affairs and didn’t know why. Easy discard and walk away. Goes back to my mother and when I was born. Left me in care with others shortly after and she went right back to work. Lack of bonding. Don’t remember being told that she loves me growing up. We have had an on/off again relationship my entire life. Has to tell any woman I bring around my faults like I am damaged goods. I have many talents that were instilled in me and feel I don’t get acknowledgement or praise. She hasn’t let go of me and I have distanced myself. She is unhappy and requires that all information and friends go through her. It’s all about control. For years, doesn’t give my Dad phone messages to return my calls. She wants to know what I am calling him for. Sick !!! My Dad has been neutered his entire life. Won’t stand up to her because” she might get mad.” I now know she is a Narcissist. I have ruined several relationships with alcohol not realizing until it’s too late. My Mom looks down on me with harsh judgement. What she doesn’t realize is I am a product of her environment. She has never drank and comes across self-righteous with others that do. She still wears the pants in the family today and goes unchallenged. Have worked hard all my life and she won’t even spend the time to look at my accomplishments. She will ask a question and immediately turn it around to being about her sickness or she has some pain etc… HYPOCONDRIAC.. always seeking attention in every setting. She will all of a sudden become sick to steer attention on her. Wish I knew this information 40 years ago. Would have saved me so much heartache.
This has described what I have been going through currently , and for almost four years. I have dealt with a man that basically driven me crazy. I understand my role as his primary narcissistic supply. I have changed numbers, blocked emails, and texts, even my neighbors telling me that he has been around my house at night. I won’t go into ore details at length but I will say, I am soo grateful for this article for shedding light on someone who have been draining me for years. I now know how to deal with this. Thank you so much!
Hi Christine!
Firstly I want to wholeheartedly thank you for helping me finally catch on to this convoluted dance I was partaking in. I honestly was going around in circles with no self worth left, felt like I had slowly lost my mind, my purpose, my principles, my beauty salon and my friends due to this relationship. I had heard of the term narcissism but didn’t truly know what it meant, that is until one of my clients realised the cycle of abuse I was in and recommended I contact you! Talk about life changing! Thank you for putting me in contact with Margaret Parkes, her counselling sessions have built me up and although it’s only been a few short months, I know this time I will never go back to this relationship. I feel used and abused and still can’t get my head around everything. We have a young son together, when will the feelings of love, pity and compassion for my abusive ex subside? Last but not least thank you for these articles, they always come when I’m going through a low point and they hit home the harsh reality of what it all was….. A game 💔
It is quite difficult to know where to begin to respond to the many profound truths Christine shares here. On some level, all I can say is “OY VEY!”
No matter how much our lives suffer, it is an absolute miracle we have the ability, the perspicacity, to see how truly diseased the narcissist is. The way Christine nails the three levels of the differing sources of the narcissists supply is astonishing.
Christine writes, “Co-narcissistic patterns are learned in childhood, where a child is exposed to a narcissist caretaker, especially a narcissist parent. In such an environment, the co-narcissist child grows up believing that the only way they can feel validated, accepted, or feel safe, is to give in and to validate the narcissist instead. As a result, they are conditioned to serve, please, and to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, while their own inner world takes a backseat. Later in adulthood, the narcissist and the co-narcissist are often attracted to each other, because unconsciously, that dynamic feels familiar to them both.”
What Christine describes here is the proverbial “kiss of death” by the narcissist perpetrator, how they sink their poisonous fangs into their victims, alive or dead.
Taking this on another level, it is important to educate ourselves about demonic possession and how we become “hostage to the devil” and what it takes on many levels, psychological and spiritual, to free ourselves from this horrible stranglehold. This is far more volatile and has a much more powerful impact on our ability to function on a daily basis than we might realize. Volumes have been written about this with many prayers for deliverance from the oppression of the narcissistic evil one, the vampire constantly seeking to drain us of our life force; spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical, financial, moral, and so on. The narcissist is a parasite; ultimately MONEY is their supply. Oh yes, Christine nails it again when she mentions “flash cars,” a favorite tool, along with the clothes. Clothes, and sometimes, stinky cologne! There’s an old saying, “desperation is a stinky cologne.”
It seems the devil keeps these people here, walking the face of our planet. In recent research on the subject of exorcism and demonic oppression, a man who sold himself to Satanism said that he gets such a rush from it he will never give it up. And so it is with the narcissist.
But those who have witnessed the last hours of the lives of those afflicted by narcissism are painfully aware of how hideous, in the final hours of life, their death becomes. By the final hours, it is too late for them to repent. Perhaps we can largely blame our hedonistic culture that no longer believes in morality or sin. The narcissist thinks of himself as incapable of sin. He lives his life for “self realization.” But in his final hour, only then does he realize, when it is too late, that the purpose of life is to overcome sin. It’s all about gratitude.
Christine, this one is a real gem. I look forward to reading this all over again over the next few days. It’s like a good cup of tea with a wonderful friend. A great gift. Thank you so much!
Excellent! This explains my ex-husband perfectly. This is exactly how he operates. As soon as I left him, he got his cop mother (secondary supply) to smear me to the court and try to get me in trouble with the law. It was scary, but it didn’t work. I met a woman who’s husband was diagnosed with NPD and when she shared her experiences with me I was shocked at the similarities. My ex was definitely aware something was off about himself because he deliberately avoided counseling when a counselor was ever on to him. One counselor called him manipulative and he was done.
Also, this explains my mother’s behaviors too. As I’ve been awakened to my ex for what he is, I’ve also realized my mother is not well either as her raging and triangulation has always been so cruel. It’s no wonder I married someone like her. I’ve finally walked away from it all.
I really appreciate people like you educating the world about this sickness, because it truly wreaks havoc on good people. Hopefully one day there will be a cure or we can grow into a more wise society as to more easily identify the characteristics associated with NPD and stop enabling them.
Can a spouse become secondary with primary being their profession?
Wow! Amazing article! Describes a narcissist well!
What do we do if the Narcissist is a major public figure that has power over much of the nation? How can we deal with such a person?
Christine, thank you so much for the work you are doing. I can’t thank you enough. I just ended my 7th narcissistic abuse relationship, and it is the last thanks to people like you who are educating the world on this terribly destructive and disturbing relationship dynamic. You especially helped me today with the concept of “co-narcissistic victim.” I had not heard that before. I assumed I was just co-dependent, but your clarifying term makes more sense to me and helps me focus my recovery work. I have also listened to some of your lectures. You speak on the subject with such affirmation and authority, a rare thing. I wanted to say thank you and let you know how much I appreciate your work. If you have any thoughts on how I can help get the word out then I would welcome them. <3 <3 <3
Hi Phillip, I agree with this, and it is good advice to avoid those they admire. I became aware that the pathological person in my life had surrounded himself with others who resonated at his level. He valued others who were hard and cruel in their treatment of others, because they were the people who were most like himself. They were a bunch of very damaged people, but it was his comfort zone.
Well written Christine. I have found your writing very helpful. I will look out your books.
Good article. I am confused though because I would have thought that spouse etc would be primary source of supply and not secondary as the Narcissist returns there to provide the illusion of normality and respectability? I absolutely agree with the rage etc and attempts at destruction and abuse by proxy etc when anyone defies the N or gets away. The very skewed thinking around turning up sometimes years later, despite bridges being well and truly burned, acting as if the past doesn’t matter and seeing whats possible again. My advice run and keep running…close the door and dont open it again, which of course goes against the grain when people are empathetic and like to see the good in others, believe it or want to believe change is possible….. its your well being and sanity versus what this is to the them, a game with other peoples lives. If you have children, keep the boundaries very very tight and dont break them or allow them to be broken….this behaviour thrives on chaos, drama and if they cant get positive attention, they will settle for negative, using children as ammunition and leverage.
Dear Christine,
You have opened up my eyes to the patterns of behavior of my Parents, siblings, work colleagues, a “so-called” spiritual teacher, some friends and partners throughout my long lifetime. These behaviors from primary caregivers and all of the above included both physical and psychological abuse for years. I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom and sharing your clarity of Narcissistic Abuse with the world, which clearly helps to educate victims of Narcissistic abuse. In some ways it has made me aware of others’ behaviors to the point so will avoid anyone who displays any of the symptoms of Malignant Narcissism. It seems there is an epidemic of Malignant Narcissism in tiday’s World. Thank you for being the light in understanding this “disease” in our societies. Best wishes to you Christine. Chris.
That is a great question Kathy. The term “co-narcissist” neither refers to co-dependency, nor does it imply that the victim is some kind of narcissist too, quite the contrary. It upsets me that many therapists label victims of narcissistic abuse as “co-dependents”. So what is the difference between a co-dependent and a co-narcissist? The co-dependent individual acts out of their submissive behaviours to keep those they love happy, because they are afraid of being alone in the world. Whereas the co-narcissist acts out their submissive behaviours to accommodate and endure the pathological narcissist’s interpersonally rigid and abusive behaviours in order to survive their ordeal. So there is a vast difference between both.
I speak about this in my book “WHEN SHAME BEGETS SHAME”. But I shall explain it for you briefly here (taking excerpts from my book): –
The relationship between the Pathological Narcissist and Co-narcissist is a Convoluted Dance: In every narcissistic relationship, one will find both the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) and their co-narcissist (victim) partners in a convoluted dance. It is the job of the co-narcissistic victim to “cooperate” with their pathological narcissist, and to serve them (to caretake and validate them) in many ways. This is an unspoken contract that every narcissist expects their co-narcissist victim to honour. In effect, the victim is, according to Dr. Rappoport, 2005 (in his paper where he formalised the concept of the co-narcissist) “the reciprocal of the relationship”. He says, “The essence of narcissism is a lack of ability to empathise. The person’s entire reference is themselves.” In other words, everything a narcissist does is centred around how it makes them look, feel, and whether or not it advances their goals. He explains, “If a narcissist is performing, the co-narcissist’s job is to serve as the audience”.
Co-narcissistic patterns are learned in childhood, where a child is exposed to a narcissist caretaker, especially a narcissist parent. In such an environment, the co-narcissist child grows up believing that the only way they can feel validated, accepted, or feel safe, is to give in and to validate the narcissist instead. As a result, they are conditioned to serve, please, and to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, while their own inner world takes a backseat. Later in adulthood, the narcissist and the co-narcissist are often attracted to each other, because unconsciously, that dynamic feels familiar to them both.
Hope that answers you question. I give a more extensive answer in my eBook “When Shame Begets Shame”, which is available on my website
https://narcissisticbehavior.net/when-shame-begets-shame/
Warmest regards. Christine
Dear Ms. Christine:
Thank for your informative and easy-to-read article. Unfortunately for me, I grew up with a raging narcissistic mother (enabling father, what else is new) – what I don’t understand is the term “co-narcissistic victim” – does that term refer to co-dependency or does it imply that I am some kind of narcissist too? Thanks for your help.
Kathy
They may consider Empaths to be the cream of the crop as far as supply goes, but you won’t hear them talking to other people about how great they are. They will heap praise on the people who are just like them. My intuition alarm goes off when they start talking good about another person. I know then…avoid the one they are praising.
Really whatever they tell me, I let it go in my ears, and I file it in discard because almost all of it lacks and kind of veracity.