The Pathological Narcissist & Their Victim Connect In Very Different Ways
Although the abuse that these two individuals (the narcissist and their victim) have experienced in childhood is quite similar, the personality of the pathological narcissistic (perpetrator) and the pathological co-narcissist (caretaking victim) becomes forged in very different ways, yet both are left feeling the ravages of agonising shame.
It is important to remember that a child’s behaviour never occurs in isolation, always it has meaning, whether it shows itself as being a narcissistic “bullying” personality, or as a co-narcissist “pleaser” personality.
How each individual child manages their shame is likely to be the underlying cause and a contributing factor of whether they become a narcissist (perpetrator) or a co-narcissist (caretaker/victim) in adulthood.
The pathological narcissist’s behaviour, as per The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association, can be recognised by the following 9 criteria:
(1) Grandiosity, (2) Power & Control, (3) Being special, (4) Needing attention, (5) Sense of Entitlement, (6) Exploitative, (7) Lack of empathy, (8) Envious, and (9) Haughty and arrogant.
The pathological narcissist’s shameless personality develops a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Although they appear highly confident and superior individuals, underneath their ego is extremely fragile.
Their delicate ego leaves them easily offended, and prone to spiralling rages.
Because the pathological narcissist does not adequately complete their separation and individuation process due to their early childhood abuse, they seem to be unable to distinguish between their own self and others.
Clearly, they have no boundaries, this accounts for why they treat their co-narcissist victims as an extension of their self, and why they exert excessive control over them, to the point where both become overly enmeshed in each other.
This often causes a lot of frustration and resentment in the co-narcissist (victim) as the dysfunctional relationship is forged.
However, the more they resist, the more the pathological narcissist increases the dominating control.
Their need to control is driven by their sense of grandiosity, entitlement, and exploitation. So, when they give an order, they expect their co-narcissist caretaker (victim) to drop everything immediately.
They have absolutely no empathy for what the other may be doing or feeling at any given moment.
Everything is about forging a connection with them, and any hesitation or resistance to jump to attention will be taken personally as an act of mutiny by the narcissist, and that is a punishable offence.
Furthermore, any independent action by the co-narcissist (victim) can become the justification for the narcissistic anger, retaliation, and revenge.
The narcissist acts with superiority and contempt, and this can play a big part in their feelings of envy. When envy is directed at a victim it can be very dangerous.
The pathological narcissist cannot see anybody having anything that they do not have, this touches into their inferiority shame complex and triggers their shame anxiety, which is likely to release their rage.
What they really want is for others to envy them (i.e. their status, their possessions, their looks, their intelligence, etc.) only then are they truly happy.
In their grandiosity, you will often hear a narcissist saying that they had to end a relationship because the other person was envious of them, and they believe that fully.
Of course, the opposite is the truth, they envied their victim for one reason or another, and then they could not handle the shame of their own inadequacy they had to get the victim out of their life.
Unfortunately, they are selfish, arrogant, demanding individuals, and everybody is nothing more than a pawn in their game.
If their victim refuses to play the game, then they will be treated as an enemy, and they are likely to experience the narcissist’s rage to intimidate and control them into playing the game.
The co-narcissist’s (victim) over-identified personality characteristics, on the other hand, is in stark contrast to the pathological narcissist’s.
Very often the co-narcissist, unlike the grandiose narcissistic, is a modest, gentle, and humble self that does not need to be the centre of attention or admiration.
Far from feeling “special”, their humbleness keeps them grounded, allowing them to respond to the needs and wishes of others; this is an unconscious defence they used to stay safe when under the control of their pathological narcissist.
Because of working so hard to please others, unfortunately, they become out of touch with their own needs and feelings.
They prefer, for safety reasons, to fade into the background in their relationships, allowing others to have the limelight.
They tend to become over responsible, therefore likely to take the blame for any interpersonal problems in their relationships. They don’t look for attention or help for themselves but instead become serious problem solvers and rescuers at every opportunity for others.
The co-narcissist caretaker (victim) has no need to compete for the limelight.
They learn early how to avoid trouble and further shaming by fading into the background and making themselves invisible, that way they are no threat to the narcissist they share their environment with.
They become little helpers to everybody, not just Mummy’s little helper (i.e. they do the shopping, put on the dinner, clean the house, be pleasing, etc.).
They also help outside the home (i.e. running errands for neighbours, helping the teacher, looking after the younger or more vulnerable children in school, etc.).
Caught in a dangerous environment with a pathological narcissist (especially if it is their own home), these behaviours help the distressed child to regulate their self-esteem in a safe way.
However, all this responsibility takes their innocence away, and they tend to become like 20-year olds trapped in a 14-year-old’s body. With all the responsibility that they take on so young, they develop a high moral compass and an innate sense for distinguishing right from wrong.
Often, they become the voice of conscience when they see injustice towards others. They will fight for other people’s rights, and yet they don’t speak up for themselves most of the time.
They don’t tend to handle conflict well; any confrontation makes them feel very unsafe and shameful.
Also, because they are highly empathic they are very sensitive to other’s pain, so when there is any disagreement, they are likely to back down rather than hurt another’s feelings or shame them.
People see them as harmonisers who bring peace to all situations, and although they do manage to do that very well, this is likely to cost them to lose their identity in any narcissistic relationships they form.
This is probably why they are like a magnetic force for pathological narcissists, who all want to be taken care of, and minded. It is easy to see why the co-narcissist, as caretaker, is so valued by the narcissist, at least for as long as they satisfy their needs.
The Gaslighting Syndrome
When Shame Begets Shame
The 3 Faces Of Evil
Her books, “The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse” and “When Shame Begets Shame: How Narcissists hurt and shame their victims” set out to to help those who have been affected by a narcissist and also to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education, so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse.Much of her knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of “The Dark Triad”, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy).
These three faces of evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse and the dire effects on the victims.It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health clinicians.
Dear Christine,
I am in the co-narissist role. I know narcissists won’t even read this. That is the way they are. They actually won’t own any mistakes or take any advice.
I had hoped I could make this relationship work but he became what narcissists do when he ran out of co-workers to feed his endless need, retired, I could not fill that void. It has just gotten worse over the last 12 years that he has been retired.
Sometimes I wish I’d never had therapy. There is no cure for him and I am stuck here. Ignorance was bliss. I really hate therapy when it turns out this way. Look in the mirror, see a giant defect and know that there is not way to do anything about it. So you manage. But when you read about it like this it makes you really angry and the atmosphere in the home really gets toxic. I regret finding out about this narcisssim business, it has not made me happier and it has turned as you most aptly described into hate.
So here we are.
What happens when both people are pathological narcissists, or does the weaker of the two submit to the domination of the other? This is a very dangerous scenario.
My father has purged himself of his reputation and integrity to jump through hoops for a married woman (her husband finally, much to her satisfaction, died not long ago) who mops the floor with him. Though he is a pathological narcissist, she has made an idiot out of him and he complies because he finds himself in a social situation that he would be too shamed to get out of though that would be the best thing he could possibly do.
There is absolutely nothing that can reach him; he has literally turned to Satanism through the “church” that he joined where this woman was (until recently) the church secretary. Suddenly, with the help of a lawyer also affiliated with this church, the hundreds of thousands of dollars my mother left behind disappeared as I slowly discovered that my father embezzled my inheritance.
There is no limit to the horrors of narcissism. I believe that we are forever traumatized by the narcissist who can not distinguish himself from others, as Christine so succinctly puts it. There is no beginning to be able to explain how hideously invasive my father is and how difficult it has been to untangle myself from his filthy web of lies and deception.
It is a fight to the end to shut them out of our lives forever, but they leave us no choice. They will never, ever change. How it hurts to see everything my mother worked so hard for go down the drain. It is only through the grace of the teachings of Jesus Christ that the real comfort comes in knowing that without a doubt my mother is in heaven while, without a doubt, my father will never get there. Let him keep the jewels and the money. He who laughs first laughs last.
Hi Patricia Miller … a process it is for sure but I keep noticing I get better & better – we all do if we are willing to stay the course. I notice how much quicker I move through the cycles of being victimized, admit I survived as in “still here” & then jump into healing & recovering only to bounce into thriving again. Also the time spent in each stage changes & you will notice the progress – important to be patient with ourselves. Realize it must be tougher if children have not reached adulthood yet. I found Kris Godinez’s work helpful too since she is quite colorful in expressing the often repressed feelings of the victim. She is not for everyone though as she admits – curses like a sailor yet fully expresses the victim’s emotions. She like Christine has helped me greatly. Link below if interested.
We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez
Best to You … Carol K.
Thank you once again for an excellent article to help us all to understand, see more clearly & take whatever necessary actions. This sentence – “How each individual child manages their shame is likely to be the underlying cause and a contributing factor of whether they become a narcissist (perpetrator) or a co-narcissist (caretaker/victim) in adulthood.” – was my experience in a nutshell.
So there is sort of a fork in the road early on that we take in trying to manage shame as children. I do believe there is some conscious choice as to which fork to choose. Refusing to own our pain whether as a consequence of our choices or it being thrust upon us (projected) as children I think is key. If it is in our life, it is ours & an unwillingness to suffer our own pain will morph the “normal resentment” from the projection of others into a mindset of revenge. This revenge simply needs a target & a co-narcissist (caretaker/victim) is just perfect with high tolerance plus the other traits that so pleases the narcissist (perpetrator) insatiable appetite – they will feast forever unless the supply runs low or out.
It took me 27 years to get out & an additional 14 years to untangle. He abandoned all joint responsibilities so I had to take care of ending business, selling house, etc. as he recruited “flying monkeys” to reinforce his “victim” identity. Our grown daughters were not off limits as “flying monkeys” & quite painful at first as they alienated me, except when I was useful, but I’m okay now as I have learned to let go & live out my life putting my best forward for me. I do believe there is such a thing as “pathological altruism” & I had to learn that this self-sacrifice is a betrayal of ourselves. So today I am healthy selfish (putting my needs first) & consciously choose when to be “generous” so not to get caught up in the FOG again of (fear, obligation or guilt) & succumb to “pathological altruism” whereby I sacrifice myself for these perpetrators.
It sounds as if understanding your “shame” responses may be useful to you. This is an area that needs working on with most victims of narcissistic abuse. That is why I wrote my second eBook, “When Shame Begets Shame”.
Hi Christine, 4 yrs ago you helped me identify my now ex-husband as a narcissist. You sent me a few replies to emails and I can’t thank you enough. I’m still healing and working at stopping my need to people please and I’m in a healthy (at least why are trying to keep it healthy) relationship with another people-pleaser but we are both aware now. I was wondering if you have any resources to help keep the shame and fear from overtaking decisions. For example, if I advocate for myself I end up needing my boyfriend to help me feel secure (safe) in the relationship instead of just advocating and moving on. Also if I’m around my narcissistic family members for more than a few days I spend several weeks in a ptsd state of high anxiety. This also happens if I speak to my ex regarding anything at all. Although I have a personal no contact rule, I still have to interact with him on occasion because we have children. Is there a resource or website that could help reduce this victim syndrome from acting out? I’m getting better but it’s still there. If I’m triggered, some days are completely lost in anxiety mode. I know it’s a process but I’m eager to find better coping strategies.
JUST BRILLIANT!!
AND VERY HELPFUL